Why do people bother writing if I were a [insert something they’re not,] here’s what I would do column? Besides meeting a deadline on short notice, what purpose do they serve? You don’t see us writing If we wrote a popular blog, here’s what we’d do. So why does Peggy Noonan whip up today’s serving of If I Were a Democrat, which reads like a poor man’s (no, not that one) version of If I had a brain?

If I were a Democrat right now I would think big and get serious.

And yet all the Democrats wanna do is dance… dance… dance!

Every morning I’d put my game face on knowing my party will stand a good chance of making a big presidential comeback in four years. Look confident; this will encourage victory. Or at least leave people saying you look confident, which for you will be a victory.

If we were World O’Crap, now’s the time we would post a quote by Jack Handy and ask you if you could tell the difference. And the answer would be Sadly, No!

You need someone who makes the Democratic Party look nonsleazy, nonmanipulative and nonweak on TV.

We’ll agree to the non weak part — but for the rest girlfriend, do you think you might be projecting just a little bit?

The Groups–all the left-wing outfits from the abortion people to the enviros–didn’t deliver in the last election, and not because they didn’t try. They worked their hearts out. But they had no one to deliver.

Wrong, wrong, wrong! Or as we like to say, Sadly, No!

Democratic turnout increased by nearly three times in battleground states (up 3.6 percentage points) as compared to 1.5 percentage points in the other states, pointing to the concentration of resources the party devoted to the battlegrounds. (PDF)

No matter how you feel about abortion, no one likes pro-abortion fanatics; no one likes mad scientists who cook environmental data. Or rather only rich and creepy people like them. Stand up to the Groups–make your policies more moderate, more nuanced, less knee-jerk.

Well that is fucking rich! You want to see scientists cook up the books, Peggy? Why not stop by TechCentralStation, which regularly puts on a cooking display that would Emeril to shame. (Start here, and don’t stop ’til you get enough. Then get back to us.)

Don’t reflexively oppose President Bush on Social Security reform. […] Don’t do “sound bites for blue heads in Dade County,” be serious. People can tell when you’re not. They just punished you at the polls again because you weren’t.

So that old woman, she’s just a liar, right?

Hold a big public party meeting on taxes and spending. I am serious. Everyone knows where the Republican Party stands on both: they’re against the former, and–in theory if not practice–against the latter.

Peggy, you forgot to say that the Republican Party is also against large deficits. Remember, be serious, and don’t do talking points for empty heads in Texas.

Go at a group. How about junk scientists? With Michael Crichton’s manifesto doing well and getting praise, and with the natural disaster of the tsunami having left everyone brushing up on their wave trains and tectonic-plate knowledge, the time is right.

We’d vote for a go at Michael Crichton, how’s that?

That’s what the Swift Boat ads did to him; they didn’t make him look like a coward but a liar.

Ads by a bunch of liars made Kerry look like one. Well, we agree with Peggy that there’s a problem there, though we disagree about its nature.

The Bush administration has stood for cutting taxes, allowing high spending, and being tough in the world.

Allowing? No — it has stood for advocating and engaging in high spending. By that logic Bill Clinton stood for allowing Monica Lewinsky to put his penis in her mouth. And there’s more to being tough than going around the world and blowing shit up.

On all of these points they can be truly competitive. If they choose to get serious.

If they choose to get serious? How’s this for serious?

Fuck you. That’s my name. […] You stupid fucking cunt. Hey, Williamson, I’m talking to you, shithead. You just cost me $6,000. Six thousand dollars, and one Cadillac. That’s right. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it, asshole? You’re fucking shit. Where did you learn your trade, you stupid fucking cunt, you idiot? Who ever told you that you could work with men?

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