It’s not Crazy Jesus Lady*, it’s Batshit Crazy Jesus Lady

Why do people bother writing if I were a [insert something they’re not,] here’s what I would do column? Besides meeting a deadline on short notice, what purpose do they serve? You don’t see us writing If we wrote a popular blog, here’s what we’d do. So why does Peggy Noonan whip up today’s serving of If I Were a Democrat, which reads like a poor man’s (no, not that one) version of If I had a brain?

If I were a Democrat right now I would think big and get serious.

And yet all the Democrats wanna do is dance… dance… dance!

Every morning I’d put my game face on knowing my party will stand a good chance of making a big presidential comeback in four years. Look confident; this will encourage victory. Or at least leave people saying you look confident, which for you will be a victory.

If we were World O’Crap, now’s the time we would post a quote by Jack Handy and ask you if you could tell the difference. And the answer would be Sadly, No!

You need someone who makes the Democratic Party look nonsleazy, nonmanipulative and nonweak on TV.

We’ll agree to the non weak part — but for the rest girlfriend, do you think you might be projecting just a little bit?

The Groups–all the left-wing outfits from the abortion people to the enviros–didn’t deliver in the last election, and not because they didn’t try. They worked their hearts out. But they had no one to deliver.

Wrong, wrong, wrong! Or as we like to say, Sadly, No!

Democratic turnout increased by nearly three times in battleground states (up 3.6 percentage points) as compared to 1.5 percentage points in the other states, pointing to the concentration of resources the party devoted to the battlegrounds. (PDF)

No matter how you feel about abortion, no one likes pro-abortion fanatics; no one likes mad scientists who cook environmental data. Or rather only rich and creepy people like them. Stand up to the Groups–make your policies more moderate, more nuanced, less knee-jerk.

Well that is fucking rich! You want to see scientists cook up the books, Peggy? Why not stop by TechCentralStation, which regularly puts on a cooking display that would Emeril to shame. (Start here, and don’t stop ’til you get enough. Then get back to us.)

Don’t reflexively oppose President Bush on Social Security reform. […] Don’t do “sound bites for blue heads in Dade County,” be serious. People can tell when you’re not. They just punished you at the polls again because you weren’t.

So that old woman, she’s just a liar, right?

Hold a big public party meeting on taxes and spending. I am serious. Everyone knows where the Republican Party stands on both: they’re against the former, and–in theory if not practice–against the latter.

Peggy, you forgot to say that the Republican Party is also against large deficits. Remember, be serious, and don’t do talking points for empty heads in Texas.

Go at a group. How about junk scientists? With Michael Crichton’s manifesto doing well and getting praise, and with the natural disaster of the tsunami having left everyone brushing up on their wave trains and tectonic-plate knowledge, the time is right.

We’d vote for a go at Michael Crichton, how’s that?

That’s what the Swift Boat ads did to him; they didn’t make him look like a coward but a liar.

Ads by a bunch of liars made Kerry look like one. Well, we agree with Peggy that there’s a problem there, though we disagree about its nature.

The Bush administration has stood for cutting taxes, allowing high spending, and being tough in the world.

Allowing? No — it has stood for advocating and engaging in high spending. By that logic Bill Clinton stood for allowing Monica Lewinsky to put his penis in her mouth. And there’s more to being tough than going around the world and blowing shit up.

On all of these points they can be truly competitive. If they choose to get serious.

If they choose to get serious? How’s this for serious?

Fuck you. That’s my name. […] You stupid fucking cunt. Hey, Williamson, I’m talking to you, shithead. You just cost me $6,000. Six thousand dollars, and one Cadillac. That’s right. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it, asshole? You’re fucking shit. Where did you learn your trade, you stupid fucking cunt, you idiot? Who ever told you that you could work with men?

* Crazy Jesus Lady is a registered trademark of Alicublog?. Used without permission.


Comments: 21


If I Were Peggy Noonan

Ty: You take drugs, Peggy?
Peggy Noonan: Every day.
Ty: Good. Then what’s your problem?
Peggy Noonan: I don’t know.


Peggy Noonan is an example of a brain on no sex and too much prozac.


Sometime we Democrats also like to make romance; when we feel the heat coming off the street.
And I’m sure Peggaloon meant Bush had beeen tough on the world.


Here’s a part of Peggy’s column that you missed:

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he’d spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he’d yell out, “Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!” We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

And that’s what I would do if I were a Democrat.


If I were Peggy Noonan, I’d take a shit load of drugs and make crap up. Like she does.


Oh, you guise…your so meen to Peggy Newnan. I think she’s grate!

Seriously, this cunt on the mainstream American media….God, I hate that country.


Sorry, that was angrier than I intended it to be. I’m entertaining my sister’s lesbian-life-partner from New Hampshire tomorrow; she voted for Bush and has never heard of Boxing Day.



And this is the product of our public school system? No wonder we’re in trouble.


Well, she’s sort of right about one thing – that many of the progressive dems who turned out to really support Kerry were disappointed with Kerry’s run to the right on various issues and failure to show any spine for a truly groundbreaking popular liberal agenda.


failure to show any spine for a truly groundbreaking popular liberal agenda.

Hum, yeah. So groundbreaking that it was practically indiguishable from the Nazionalsozialistishe Partei Amerikas that almost half of Americans decided they’d go for Hitler-lite.



er…Indistinguishable. *sigh*…Oh, Waiter another mimosa, please.


“no one likes mad scientists who cook environmental data.”

Actually, Peggy does. She has apparently forgotten Bush’s mad scientists told the EPA to tell New Yorkers that air full of twin tower debris was safe to breathe.

Liberal AND Proud

And her first boss believed that most pollution was caused by trees.

And don’t forget the cattle gas nonsense with regard to global warming.


I think Peggy is breaking new ground in science herself with every column. Amusingly, she doesn’t seem to realize the fodder for psychiatry she provides.


I’m pretty sure that if democrats had won the election, we all would have more important things to do than all writing condescending bullshit open letters wanting to ‘help’ the republicans win next time.

What a bunch of sore winner assholes


Peggy is right about one thing when she speaks of Dems maybe “going after a group.” Democrats reaaly ought to pick a visible Republican and just destroy him or her. Just to show the other side they can do it.


[after cracking Batshit Crazy Jesus Lady’s secret code with the Chomsky secret decoder ring]

Miss Authoritiva: [Reading it] Be-sure-to-drink-your-Ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!


Michael Crichton – Time Scientist of the Year??


REALLY OFF SUBJECT: Any German language individuals interested in paranormal, paraphysical, occult, etc check

Sorry Sadly No to try to advertise here! But some of your readers might be happy about it!!


Here’s another one for you gullible “German language individuals”.

Don’t thank me now, you can buy me a beer when you collect the million bucks, ok?


“It’s not Crazy Jesus Lady*, it’s Batshit Crazy Jesus Lady”
*Crazy Jesus Lady is a registered trademark of Alicublog.
Per Alicublog, that makes her “New Polyesther Jesus Lady”.


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