As though The Editors don’t inflict enough suffering on innocent kittens as it is, we bring you Steve Hernan:

Once upon a time, practically every boy grew up in a real neighborhood.

And what was so great about that neighborhood?

…boys always enjoyed one key advantage. They could alienate every other kid in the neighborhood and still never have to play alone. Why was this? Because every household had at least one dog. And every dog was readily available to any boy who lived in the neighborhood.

Yet this was before gay marriage was “forced down our throats,” right?

In these long-forgotten days, the world was truly a boy?s world. There were no such things as “leash laws.”

You know Steve, your parents are lying to you if they’re telling you they have to keep you on a leash.

People would let their dogs out in the morning and not see them until supper time (if even then). During these ten or so hours of unstructured liberty, the dogs operated with one purpose in mind ? to have as many adventures as possible and to engineer as much mischief and havoc while doing so.

Steve’s purpose?

In other words, they [dogs] acted just like boys.

Well ladies and gentlemen, what would you do if Steve came into your house and started licking at your face and sniffing at your crotch?

In fact, they [the dogs, we think] reveled in the feeling of accomplishment that accompanied any especially arduous or grimy task. So, quite naturally, all of us boys gleefully sought out the companionship of these “kindred spirits.”

This is getting more and more disturbing by the minute.

To put it bluntly, if you forbid roughhousing (or forego spanking, for that matter) you will be left with a maladaptive dog. And the same can be said for boys as well.

All those in favor of spanking Steve, please raise your hand.

In the “pre-leash law” days, every so often two of the neighborhood dogs would get into a little scrap. But this was actually quite rare. They all generally got along quite well once they had established their “companionate hierarchy.”

Steve knows this because he kept copies of News for Dogs, along with the News for Parrots:

Good evening. Here is the News for parrots. No parrots were involved in an accident on the M1 today, when a lorry carrying high octane fuel was in collision with a bollard … that is a bollard and not a parrot. A spokesman for parrots said he was glad no parrots were involved.

As well as News for Wombats:

The Minister of Technology met the three Russian leaders today to discuss a ?4 million airliner deal. None of them were indigenous to Australia, carried their babies in pouches or ate any of those yummy eucalyptus leaves. Yum, yum.

Back to Steve’s dogs:

It’s the same with boys. You coddle them at your risk ? and at theirs.

So next time you see Steve, please resist the urge to cuoddle him.

Unless you’re prepared to deal with a very jealous dog.