Take that, Jesus!

It seems that we were a bit too distracted by the Gl?hwein this holiday season and actually missed Brian Cherry‘s latest column, titled Help, help, I’m being repressed:

It’s as regular as the swallows returning to Capistrano, or Ted Kennedy being carried, drunken, from a brothel.

So Brian, did your mom also tell you whether Senator Kennedy is a good tipper?

This year the ACLU has been on the receiving end of a jolly, holiday rogering.

Now would be a good time to return to Brian’s earlier column, titled Why do these homosexuals keep sucking my cock? (1)

generally making elected ass?s of themselves

You’ve made an ass’ out of us, Brian.

Liberal fear of Christians is obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes and common sense. The fear runs so deep that covering their ears and singing LA LA LA LA is no longer good enough when the name of Christ is mentioned.

Actually, we normally sing (8) We are family (8) when Jesus’ name is mentioned.

There are several sexual practices that Christians don’t believe is right in the eyes of God but the most viscous thing these inhuman, church-going monsters tend to do in the face of adultery or fornication is pray for those involved in the act.

You know, Brian, if you’re having viscousity problems a tube of this should do the trick.

As long as we are talking about Christianity and sex let us not forget that Jesus spent much of his time with a prostitute named Mary. With Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy running the Democratic Party, Jesus’s association with this lady of the evening should warrant him at least a cabinet position[.]

Can he be Secretary of kicking Brian in the nuts? We predict a swift confirmation by the Senate.

Most American’s, Christian and non-Christian, oppose bestowing upon those who proudly wear their triangles in their pants a much higher level of rights.

They wear their triangles where?

They [Liberals] behave this way because they believe in God as deeply as the most devout Baptist or Catholic, they just hate him. This is one of the ways they think they can hurt him.

Can you think of other ways to hurt Jesus, dear readers? Leave your suggestions in the comments, and we promise to send them to Brian.


Comments: 27


Well, you could always nail him to a cross. I hear that hurts like hell.


I suspect simply asking Jesus to read one of Brian’s pieces would make Him sob uncontrolably.


I think you can force Him to contemplate the possibility of microwaving a burrito so hot that even He could not eat it. That conundrum either hurts His feelings with frustration, or burns the roof of His mouth with the refried beans.


Failing the above, we could all just stand around and say ‘buttfuck’ a lot.

Those with more continental taste could say ‘buet-faek’. That’s sure to cause irreperable damage.

Or, how about posing a nasty tongue twister?
“I’m not a sheet slitter, I’m a sheet slitter’s son. But I’ll slit sheets ’til the sheet slitter comes.”

5 times fast.


It’s *lurid*.


You could be really mean to poor, sick or imprisoned people. You could deny health care to innocent children, for instance, or condone torture. Heck, you could just not feed a hungry beggar and you’d be hurting Him — whatsoever you do to the least of my bretheren, and all that jazz. I guess these cats have some special “sanctimonius asshole” edition of the bible that leaves all that stuff out about giving up all your material possessions and being humble in lieu of 500 pages of HOT GAY SEX, and the denouncing thereof. Let’s see, number of times my man Jeez said anything about the homos: zero. Number of times he denounced self righteous twits like this guy: fucking hundreds.

Oh, and Ueberscheisse, that’s some nice twistin’ you got there. I’m sure you get top dollar for a moustache ride like that.


Hate your neighbor as you hate yourself.


Ways to hurt Jesus. You mean more than we have by, say, killing thousands and thousands of innocent children just because they live someplace where we didn’t like the leader…or something? Other than that? I guess we could proclaim our faith and moral superiority on street corners (the internet, television, etc.) instead of speaking to God the Father quietly in our closets the way Jesus said we should. Or maybe we could send him the collected works of Kerry Marsala and Debbie Daniels, but I think that’s crossing the line, really. We could get him the entire collection of Christian Outfitters T-shirts, but I’m not sure of size and getting the bloodstains out over and over and over again will get sorta tiresome.

Oh, yeah. I’m going straight to someone’s hell.

Unstable Isotope

I heard that when you masturbate, God kills a kitten.

Voting Democratic makes Jesus cry. Questioning Jesus’s chosen messenger on Earth, George W. Bush, makes tsunamis.


Dare him to do the walking on water thing again. I’ll bet he can’t do it now, what with the holes in his feet.


Make Him laugh so hard he busts a rib. He never laughs, it must hurt some bad. Or maybe He kidded around but no-body got His jokes, or they later forgot how They went. That’s gotta Hurt already.


I feel sorry for this guy. His problem is that HIS heaven is equivalent to everyone else’s Hell; populated by the likes of Reagan, Bush, Ashcroft, Rummy, and others who made the trains run on time but made others’ lives miserable–and tragically short.

I hope he’s very happy there.


I like to hurt Jesus by making him drink rounds of Bloody Marys followed by rounds of Rusty Nails. He hates it when he mixes his alcohol like that, and is always trying to sneakily turn his drink into water. Never works, though. That’s a one-way trick, and once the water becomes wine, it’s like a farm boy seeing Gay Paree.

And I’ll tell you what, there’s no hangover like a Son of God hangover. Feels like thorns piercing your head all damn day.


their trains ran on time? i don’t think so.

and lets not get nasty. there’s their Him, and there’s Him Him.


His Him






Ha! Gl?hw??n! I know that’s misspelled, I just like making umlauts.


I know when I have viscousity problems, I switch to 10W40 – it fights viscousity breakdown at the high temperatures encountered during Republican anal sex.


Yeah, what tea fiend said.
Right after the bible condemns homosexuality in the old testemant it says shellfish are evil. I guess the cutoff point for the mosaic law was inbetween the two somewhere.


Hee! “Viscous.”


Foul! Misreading of the Bible! Five-yard penalty!

Nowhere in the Gospels does it say that the prostitute who cleaned Jesus’s feet with her tears was named Mary, nor does it state anywhere that Mary Magdeline was a prostitute at any time in her life. Why Origen’s Orthodox Ovines decided to conflate these two women remains a mystery. (Some Gnostics suspest that Mary Magdeline was one of the early church leaders who opposed the Orthodox folk and they needed to smear her; I suspect it was because it was more titillating, in a viscous sort of way).

Another fine example of why we need more critical reading skills classes in our schools.


I just bite down really hard on those communion wafers.


I’m sorry, but is he implying that Jesus frequented prostitutes?


You can pray in public as do the Pharisees and the Fundamentalists. You can do to the least of these what the Republicans have been doing to them for the last twenty years.


What the hell is the triangles business??


The triangle business: Some years ago Jerry Falwell denounced, yea, denounced that poor little Teletubby, Tinky Winky, for being gay.

Right. And Tinky Winky has a triangle on his head. He’s purple, carries a big red magic bag (a purse!) and Falwell has reached every soul on the planet with the actual Gospel of Jesus Christ, so he can afford to waste our time with this crap.



Actually, the noun form is “viscosity”.

If you’re going to make fun of someone else’s spelling errors, it’s best if you don’t make any of your own at the same time.



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