Changing of the Loons

Picking up the leftovers from World O’Crap, we take a look at Hugh Hewitt’s column to identify the five “best” conservative writers to replace William Safire at the New York Times. While we’re happy to look at Hugh’s 5 candidates, we’ve prepared a slightly different version of the case for (or against) each.

  • Jonah Goldberg.
    Claim to fame: Said to have popularized a joke first made on The Simpsons, a Top 10 television program.
    Pro: Ability to mention popular television programs gives conservatives illusion they are the cool and hip kids.
    Con: Ability to mention popular television programs leads to cognitive dissonance whenever one features nudity, profanity, or homosexuals leading ordinary lives.
    Other noteworthy observations: Last person to have had contact with Lucianne Goldberg’s vagina.

  • Stephen Hayes
    Claim to fame: Discovered connections between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden that had escaped even Laurie Mylroie‘s attention.
    Pro: Only conservative writer who can out-hunch William Safire with patented firebrand lunacy.?
    Con: Exciting Tales From The Conservative Alternate Universe slot already taken up by David Brooks.

  • James Lileks
    Claim to fame: Willingness to write long pieces without having anything that might resemble point makes ideal space filler for days when Thomas Friedman runs out of metaphors.
    Pro: Leading international expert on Target.
    Con: Leading international expert on Target.

  • Peter Robinson
    Claim to fame: Wrote a book on his days working as a speech-writer for Ronald Reagan, which he has plugged 9,845 times on National Review’s The Corner.
    Pro: Is not Kathryn Jean Lopez.
    Con: Expected to lobby to have the New York Times’ name changed to The Reagan Times.

  • Mark Steyn
    Claim to fame: Only Canadian to be a bigger (and more irritating) hack than David Frum.
    Pro: Has mastered the use of the grain of galt debate technique.
    Con: If followed, his advice would mean the US would run out of places to bomb to smithereens long before the end of Bush’s term.

  • Comments: 9


    Let’s see – can Lileks really fill Safire’s size 14 EEE shoes?

    – Ability to employ surgical scalpel of steely logic to the difficult task of vivisecting straw men – Check!

    – Self-righteousness laid on so thick it actually can replace ink, saving the NYT printing costs -Check!

    – Gets tingly feelings between legs when Cheney snarls – Check!

    – Utter indifference to “facts” – Check!

    – Ability to trace every issue, foreign or domestic, back to need for greater support for Israel – Check!

    – Total asshat – Check!

    Well, Lileks does seem to pass the test.


    Please let it be Goldberg. I want the opportunity to break out the 1950s sci-fi line: “Underneath that badly tailored suit, he’s more matzo ball than man!”

    You forgot another “pro” for Jimmy Lileks: “his continued success in getting the gig will, in time, convince tens of millions of readers that there is definitely no God.”


    Fabulous. The words “Lucianne Goldberg’s vagina” are now burned onto my retinae. I would go outside and stare directly into the sun for an hour to make them go away, but it’s cloudy out today.

    Thanks a bunch, S,N! You’ll be hearing from my attorneys.


    I did not know that David Frum was Canadian.

    I still think Adam Yoshida is a more irritating Canadian.


    Perhaps, but at least Yoshida stays in his bedroom…


    Connected Republican hack speech writer who needed a job after Nixon got run out of office is how Safliar got the job originally. My guess is they will use the same criteria but with Republicans stealing and/or winning so many elections there aren’t many out of work wingnuts anymore. Peter Robinson has the requisite White House cachet but does he need work? I will take the 10,000 to 1 long shot, Ari Fleischer.


    The post-Roth decline, Pt. II

    Hayes, I suppose, would be the most appropriate; I’m sure he’d be happy to add crackpot conspiracy theories about Hillary and Vince Foster to his already extensive record of ridiculous claims about Iraq and Al Qaeda.

    Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel

    David Frum is a native Canadian, but went to college and law school in the United States, and became a U.S. citizen in the past couple of years.


    Steyn can also lay claim to the lamest post-facto rationale for the Iraq war when the week before the election on NPR’s “The Connection” he remarked:

    “Saddam was unfinished business from the September 10th world.”

    I diaried this at Daily Kos at that time.


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