The first ever spectacular Sadly, No! Festivus caption contest

Yes, the time has come for the amazing Sadly, No! Festivus caption contest. Unlike many other similar contests that award nothing (yes, we’re talking to you Norbizness!) this one will see the lucky winner receive: (drum roll)

A 1:43 reproduction of the upcoming smart forfour. (Seen below in its 1:1 model.)


This amazing product is not yet available in stores (in either 1:43 or 1:1 size) and is guaranteed to become a collector’s item. Or not. In order to receive the prize, the winner will have to provide a mailing address, because we’re sure as hell not giving ours so you can pick it up. Winning entries will be chosen by a group of mean spirited people. You may enter as many times as you wish. You need not accept the prize even if you win. The smart forfour is no more dangerous than happy fun ball.

Enough already, what is the fucking contest?!?

Please provide a caption for one (or more) of the 11 pornographic stick figures pictured below, numbered for your convenience. Although they were featured in a safe sex ad quoted by John Derbyshyre at the Corner, the caption need not involve STDs or John Derbyshyre.

But frankly it wouldn’t hurt if it did.

Contest ends in one week, or when we get tired of it. Send all complaints to



Comments: 11


1. “Mmmm, Kool-Aid!”
2. “Howdy, I’m John Derbyshire and I just rode in on my stalking horse, Gay Marriage.”
3. “Look! I’m a cool young Republican recounting South Park humor!”
4. “I’m John Derbyshire and I got this tremendous woody from looking at Andrew Sullivan’s blog!”
5. “I’m so dejected I’m not recognized for the annoying person I really am.”
6. Queer Eyes seeing Straight Guy John Derbyshire.
7. “God, what must Kim duToit think of me?”
8. “How’d I get this Hairy Bear on my crotch?”
9. Cattle prods. They’re what John Derbyshire uses to quell unnatural thoughts.
10. “I’m John Derbyshire and I’m Corner-certified 100% sex-free.”
11. “Mmmm, Kool-Aid!”


Well, I don’t know about the rest but I believe #3 is the French signal of surrender!


#7: Now, where did that condom go?


John Derbyshire ponders the varried symbols he will use to direct the inmates of his new camp, where all gay men will be sent under his soon to be realized tyrany of the pompous ass.


Looks to us like the Dr. is in the lead at this point… (In spite of harsh penalties needed to be assessed on the basis of entries 1 and 11.)


#6–“Gosh darn it, all that gay sex turned my whiskers green!”

If it helps my standing, you may assume that the gay sex was with Derbs.


“If it helps my standing, you may assume that the gay sex was with Derbs.”

It does and we will.


The “Besides That” syndrome

The blog Sadly, No has a great post today about what is referred to as The “Besides That” syndrome in which “a writer, while pretending to offer criticism of a loved person or pointing out something negative, claims that besides…


” (In spite of harsh penalties needed to be assessed on the basis of entries 1 and 11.)”

Look, if you’re going to drink the Kool-Aid (and Derbyshire surely has), wouldn’t you want to know where it came from?


For #7:

“Damn, where did that gerbil go?”


For #7:

“Damn, where did that gerbil go?”


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