BY FAR the Best Commentary on the Foley Scandal
Most of the commentary on the Mark Foley scandal has fallen along predictable partisan lines. The left-wing douchebags at Sadly, No! have been “bwah-ha-ha”-ing it up over the many sordid e-mails and instant messages Foley sent to underage boys, while the right blogosphere has been blowing the whole thing off as a Democratic plot to make the Republicans look bad. In hyperpartisan times like these, it is more important than ever to recognize and acknowledge those original voices who refuse to conform to the conventional wisdom of the Left or the Right, either because they’re fiercely independent, or because they’re unintelligible and illiterate.
So with that, I give you the Very Best Commentary on the Foley Scandal EVER… by Pastor Joseph Grant Swank, Jr.:
FOLEY & PRIEST MOLESTATION: SIMILARITIES
J. Grant Swank, Jr.
What is similar between Mark Foley’s titillating dreamfield about teen Congressional male pages and Catholic priests’ titillating dreamfields about teen male parishioners?
See, now this is what I’m talking about. I’m only one sentence into Swank’s piece, and I’m already seeing the scandal in a whole new light. Sure, it’s a light that’s cracked in half and covered in dog poo, but at least it’s something new.
The baseline is lust from an adult male for an adult youth.
Next: why was this tolerated when known about? Specifically, some Congresspersons knew about Foley’s dreamfield. Why didn’t they scream WRONG? Specifically, some Catholic officials knew about priests’ dreamfields. Why didn’t they scream WRONG?
Yep, that’s what Denny Hastert shoulda done- he shoulda gone up to Foley and said, “Hey, I’m onto your dreamfield, asshole… WRONG!!!” And the whole scandal woulda stopped.
First, some Congresspersons and Catholic officials who know of these sinful antics are themselves in their own lustful dreamfields; therefore, they are not going to say or do anything about others’ lustful desires.
Second, some Congresspersons and Catholic officials have no inclination to take to themselves these perverted dreamfields BUT they are caught up in the politics of the system.
This second aspect is the most significant and powerful drive that keeps the evil doings under cover. In secular politics and church politics there is a tremendous desire to safeguard one’s own turf, even at the expense of truth. Self-centered lives are paramount.
That’s what makes troubleshooters stand out. They don’t play politics; therefore, they tell the truth for truth is a valuable virtue to them.
I know. I was in religion — that is, in denominational ministry for forty-plus years. During that entire time, I never played politics. It was absolutely abhorrent to me. I saw it as carnal and on an equal footing with fleshly sins.
I think Pastor Swank just equated playing politics with fucking a goat. Now, I hold our current government in pretty low esteem, but even I wouldn’t go that f… wait, yes I would. The GOP Congress are a bunch of goat-fuckers. There, I said it. And it felt great.
Now to Foley and others in Congress:
Why did not those who knew about Foley’s antics do and say more to protect the pages? A lot of it would have to do with not wanting to make waves, not wanting to rock the boat, not wanting to be that troubleshooter who would defend conviction, truth and integrity rather than opportunistic self-preservation.
In any group — large and small — there are more politicians at work to shield their own skin than there are those married to truth. In that, many innocent lives such as youthful pages are mistreated.
Politics can be a heavy, nasty weight to carry. Married to truth allows one to run life’s race with untold satisfactions that are real.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Well, I could’ve if I knew what the hell he was talking about.
I think the parents should be ashamed of themselves for not donig anything.
I think the parents should be ashamed of themselves for sending children to Washington where they’d meet our leaders.
Our leaders shouldn’t have to check themselves. That’s why they’re our leaders.
[troll off]
…titillating dreamfield about teen Congressional male pages…
So, is the deeply homoerotic character of that image intentional or not?
I think annieangel should be ashamed of herself for implying that the parents did nothing.
Nikki,
aa’s a troll. She is thus constitutionally incapable of feeling shame for anything.
She’s one of our regular trolls, though, so folks for the most part just ignore her.
Wasn’t dreamfields that movie where the ghost of Shoeless Joe Jackson shows up in some guy’s backyard?
The dreamfield works like this: if you build it, they will come.
I think we need a telethon.
No, no, he just means that Foley was in a state of… passive object love!
“Boy, I don’t know what young man doesn’t want an old dude to talk about how hot their cast is!”
But that’s what you sow when you spill your seed on the earth.
A field of creams.
He’s convicted me! I’ve been dancing in my dreamfield and not married to the truth. I’ll shout it in front of my boss tomorrow! My dreamfield is not my wife!
They didn’t do anything, really. So they told one guy, and then what? NOTHING.
They only cared about themselves and left a predator to continue to do as he wished, just because of who he is. That is weak, and it’s an insult to their son and can you imagine if it was your kid who was harassed AFTER these parents did oh so much to make sure people knew what a slimeball this guy was????
I had some great dreamfields this morning. In one, I was a southern belle hiding from cowboy bandits in an enormous treetop bird’s nest. The big dress made climbing tough, but it was all still pretty exciting.
In my titilating dreamfield I am a troubleshooter married to the truth. As such, I confront carnal and fleshy sins by screaming WRONG at their dreamfields. I try to safeguard the truth at the expense of the turf.
Ah hell, I give up. Swank’s the master here…
mikey
No, no, no. Pastor Swank, have you forgotten so soon?! Marriage = 1 man + 1 woman. The truth doesn’t enter into it at all!
Dreamfields? The carnality less fattening?
The baseline is lust from an adult male for an adult youth.
“Adult youth”? So, youths are adults, but they aren’t male?
Or is this, “adult youth” sort of like “jumbo shrimp” and “pygmy mammoth”?
Married to truth allows one to run life’s race with untold satisfactions that are real.
I think he’s talking about that part in Chariots of Fire where Ben Cross is racing and Bilbo is listening to the radio, only in this case Pastor Swank is Bilbo, ’cause it’s a dreamfield you know, and, well Ben Cross is still Ben Cross, but Bilbo gets all excited and…it’s sort of like Mark Foley before the appropriations vote…eww…I just grossed myself out.
The baseline for what? All human interactions? Don’t forget to measure!
And which of us doesn’t want one of those 2,000 suppressed books? In which we would encounter the younger Swank, his writing unensconced by the limitations wrought by ageing, with its youthful fieriness of expressing what in his truth-married mode he felt even then stronger about!
No, “Dreamfields” was a B horror movie I saw on HBO back in the late 80s. I forget who was in it. Shannon Tweed, maybe. I don’t remember.
I like when he says, “I was in religion.” “Yeah, I was in the religion game once. I know what goes on there.”
My dreamfield is, unfortunately, full of dreamcows.
“My dreamfield is, unfortunately, full of dreamcows.”
I’d like to plow your dreamfield, baby.
How about poppy fields? Playing in poppy fields all day long then along came a bomb. I lost my field, my wife, my civility. I have nothing left but my will of revenge. My dirt is still dirt just moved from left to right. How you American’s think you can fight it’s not quite right. Smart bombs kill people while our suffering simmers. How will our paths cross, hopefully not in September?
What are we creating, but more hatred for us. How can we slacken off in November when there is so much to be lost.
> The dreamfield works like this: if you build it, they will come.
So close… I’m not gonna say, cause that would be vulgar, but you’re so damn close…
(with apologies to Henry Mancini)
Dream fielder, wider than a mile,
I’m crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream fielder, you heart breaker,
wherever you’re going I’m going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There’s such a lot of world to see.
We’re after the same rainbow’s end–
waiting ’round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Dream Fielder and me.
How much time has passed in the dreamfield? How many pages have been turned?
> Wasn’t dreamfields that movie where the ghost of Shoeless Joe Jackson shows up in some guy’s backyard?
And J. Grant “Moonlight” Swank, Jr., though once in religion, found he could better serve humanity by speaking crazy to power (in conviction). He shed that weight and ran life’s race with untold satisfactions that are real.
Is Swank a real pastor? The Sunday sermonizing kind, I mean.
I’m imagining his congregation after one of his Electric Kool-Aid speechathons. Rows and rows of them, all sitting there with their brows wrinkled and their eyes squinted, maybe repeating a few choice phrases, and asking each other sotto voce, “What the H.E. Double-hockey-sticks did he just say?”
Every Sunday. They must attend for the sheer entertainment value.
Unspoken but implied is Mr. Swanky’s larger point: It is once again demonstrated that Teh Gay is the biggest threat to to marriage… with the truth!
I am just a bit disappointed that the best word the good ex-pastor could muster to describe Foley asking boys to measure themselves for him is “antics”. No “high jinks”? None of those involved were “rapscallions”?
Sigh.
Anyone know the real story behind Swank’s claim to “graduate work at Harvard Divinity School”? Because, I mean, really…
The rest of the article makes even more sense. Because, clearly, the Mark Foley scandal is related to the time Pastor Swank got fired for not being sympathetic to the flows from the carnal, political dreamfields of the jealous district superindendents, forcing him to face the kind of economic reality most americans live their whole lives in.
It’s not just bizarre metaphysics, it’s classic narcissism. When people get hurt, it’s about the time Pastor Swank was making less, because he was persecuted for being batshit crazy and behind a pulpit. Persecuted here meaning properly removed from said pulpit.
Dan- he probably just paid a couple grand for a weekend seminar hosted there, or took a mini-course through some affiliated program. Hell, I had SAT prep classes on Princeton’s campus a couple times in high school, which in a very technical sense means I could say I studied at Princeton. Or I could say I studied at Oxford, because I took a summer study program hosted in one of its schools. I don’t make either of those claims, but I’m not a batshit crazy interweb pastor trying to cover the stink of all that flying mammal excrement.
> I don’t make either of those claims, but I’m not a batshit crazy interweb pastor trying to cover the stink of all that flying mammal excrement.
To be fair, I’m not so sure Swank’s actually all that concerned to cover up the stank. He’s married to stink in conviction.
You can’t spell Swank without wank. You just can’t.
How about poppy fields? Playing in poppy fields all day long then along came a bomb. I lost my field, my wife, my civility. I have nothing left but my will of revenge.
That’s a totally like the video for that Metallica song, One, but without the soldier in the coma without the face and the legs and the arms. That was a cool video.
Married to truth allows one to run life’s race with untold satisfactions that are real.
Awesome in its idiosyncracy. I don’t think even Babelfish could produce something so purely… dismissive of English sentence structure. It’s like outsider art, but with words. Are we sure English is Pastor Swank’s native language? As opposed to, I don’t know… Zarcathan, maybe?
“The GOP Congress are a bunch of goat-fuckers. There, I said it. And it felt great.”
For you, maybe!
Did.. did he just equate politics with sex crimes?
I’m so confused. THis makes no sense. There is no point to his collum, there is no thesis, no anything. He’s just bitching about how much he sucks at life.
I’d like to know more about his very obscure mentions of how he was destroyed by political hitmen, and how his family was rescued by god and sent to Canada. There’s drugs and a dead hooker there, I bet.
oh yeah baby! now u r in my dreamfield
here’s the thing: maybe he did do “graduate work” at Harvard Divinity School. but still, no matter how fucking good a divinity school is, even if it is the “harvard” of divinity schools, it is still a place where people study how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. they just do it eruditely (is that a word?).
for some reason there is nothing more depressing to me than the thought that smart people in the 21st century can go to a school where they learn about some stupid made-up bullshit. but that’s me in a nutshell.
NB: to all women named Anne or a varient thereof on this comment thread–thank you for making me laugh so hard, albeit for various different reasons.
“First, some Congresspersons and Catholic officials who know of these sinful antics are themselves in their own lustful dreamfields; ”
Oh, I am totally with this. I envision Denny Hastert, being warned about Foley, going ” Hey! don’t harsh my buzz with this shit!! Mmmmmm……sausages……!”
for some reason there is nothing more depressing to me than the thought that smart people in the 21st century can go to a school where they learn about some stupid made-up bullshit. but that’s me in a nutshell.
Well, unlike going to school to learn political science (made up bullshit), philosophy (made up bullshit), high-level mathematics (made up bullshit) or any of those other intellectually stimulating but entirely manufactured educational tracks.
And don’t even get me started one linguistics majors.
Annieangel :
“I think the parents should be ashamed of themselves for not donig anything.”
I think you’re full of shit. For one thing, you aren’t a parent so you have no fucking idea of the tight-rope one walks regarding teenagers. You should just shut the fuck up until you have the experience to open your yap.
For another thing, the parents DID try to do something. They went to the fucking Congress of the United States of America. What the fuck else do you think they should have done? Called their local Block Watch Association? The Better Business Bureau?
OT, (but sort of on topic) has anyone else come across a person posting under the name “anniegary” frequenting other blogs on the SN! blogroll? Spewing utter crap? Reminds me of someone, but I can’t quite put my finger on it….
I’m going to unsheild my own skin here – in my dreamfield turf the other day, I was tittilated when I troubleshot my fleshly footing…
I think when he says “dreamfield” he means mine field.
I know I am taking this entirely out of context (and blatantly disregarding ‘authorial intent’ –pace Goldstein) but I liked this:
“God in time becomes useless.”
[Don’t bother reading through the whole quote below. You probably already have. I just wanted to highlight it because it is so brilliantly weird, and to suggest that it is “Food for thought and grounds for further research.” (Someone with mad Google skills?)]
“two Maine district superintendents who played the political game to the hilt finally did me in. Truthfully, they despised my truth base for it was in direct contrast to their crass political maneuvering. They so despised me as a truth carrier that they saw to it that in one evening by their false accusations I lost my pastorate, parsonage, health coverage, salary and denominational connection.
The reverberations were so extensive that political players at our Kansas City denominational headquarters brought their own meanness to press upon me. I had had a fifth paperback book published by the church. It was popular. Noting that there were 2000 copies still on the church publishing house shelves, those into political meanness tossed those 2000 copies into the dumpster. When my friends called for copies to be mailed to them that Christmastide, they were told that the book was no longer available.
The betrayal by “holy colleaguesâ€? yielded my wife and me living in a second-hand trailer, both of us substitute teaching, and trying to figure out where God had disappeared. We had a daughter in college, she depending on our monthly payment for her schooling. We had an adopted son serving time in a federal prison. Life was bleak.”
look, its all very simple, lemme splain this to you-
IF you rock the boat IN the titillating dreamfields, screaming WRONG, married
to TRUTH, you SHALL run life’s race WITH untold satisfactions THAT are real.
-words to live by, peoples- especially many innocent lives such as innocent pages.
can you imagine being one of this gibbering cretin’s parishioners? and going to him for counselling? imagine bringing some desperate problem to this bug-fuck crazy, incoherent, verbally spastic big bag of walking DADA, because he is the neutral authority figure in your life, the person appointed by Jeeezussa
to dispense God’s wisdom unto you poor ravening noodles.
it would work sort of like Confuse-A-Cat, i guess- you would probably be distracted from your problems while you tried to figure out What The Fuck was he trying to say?!?!?!?!?
of course, trying to parse his ravings could also lead to mental collapse global.
GOATFUCKERS, GOATFUCKERS, GOATFUCKERS, GOATFUCKERS, GOATFUCKERS, GOATFUCKERS, GOATFUCKERS, GOATFUCKERS, GOATFUCKERS, GOATFUCKERS, GOATFUCKERS, GOATFUCKERS,
Damn, you’re right. that felt GREAT!
BTW, speaking of whcih, where is Gary this thread?
“Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. “Oh yeah, I used to be in religion, it’s a tough racket.”
“ABC. A always B be C Converting. Always be converting. ALWAYS BE CONVERTING!”
Also, doing a quick google on “dreamfields” brings up a pasta company…
Dreamfields = Spaghetti pushers!
My dreamfield needs mowing, so if someone knows of some illegal immigrants willing to mow dreamfields global it would be appreciated.
This harassment is all starting to make me uncomfortable.
I feel your pain, GoatBoy. Well, no, not really. I mean, uh, maybe you should try closing your eyes and going to your dreamfield?
Dreamfields? WTF?
What am I doing wrong? I dreamt of Chicago last night.
GlenGarry Glen Dreamfields: “First prize is you go to heaven. You know what the second prize is? Set of steak knives. Third prize is eternal damnation.”
Even though I am married (to truth) my wife allows me to run life’s race through my dreamfields and play with my hooded weasel which brings untold satisfactions that are real.
At this point, the only thing I really like about Swank is that he inspires some *excellent* freeform poetry from the commenters here.
The thing about dreamcows is going up on my fridge, btw.
I know I am late to the game, with 60+ comments already, but I just have to say. The whole “dreamfield” thing is so uber-awesome, I can’t even explain. The guy makes up his own language. I love it.
Aren’t dreamfields where the womb babies play?
As one of the Muzlamic Murderers Global, I am so happy to see a Swank column at Sadly, No! today. His version of English is so great. It’s its own little language. This one is full of great gems. My favorite sentence of today’s article was:
“Married to truth allows one to run life’s race with untold satisfactions that are real.”
Well, actually it was tied with:
“[W]hy was this tolerated when known about?”
Maybe Rumsfeld reads Swank columns? Or maybe Swank listens to Rumsfeld speeches? Because I see some definite cross-pollenation here.
“Titillating dreamfields”???
Did he find Hunter S. Thompson’s stash? He should leave that stuff to the pros.
annieangel : “I think the parents should be ashamed of themselves for not donig anything.�
g said, You’re full of shit. For one thing, you aren’t a parent so you have no fucking idea of the tight-rope one walks regarding teenagers. You should just shut the fuck up until you have the experience to open your yap. For another thing, the parents DID try to do something. They went to the fucking Congress of the United States of America. What the fuck else do you think they should have done? Called their local Block Watch Association? The Better Business Bureau?
G, I think one of the homeschoolers’ parents must have mentioned enrolling her in the Congressional Page program as a resume-booster. You’d be mad at your parents too, if you were twelve and they were trying to separate you from your BFF for like *months* and besides you thought it was safe to mess around with the grownups’ heads because the two of you had been trolling on Sadly,No and never had anything worse happen than being called dumb names! Because the homeschooolers believe everything they’ve been told about Evil Demon Baby-Murdering Pervert Liberals, the poor kids didn’t have the experience to understand that in reality us moonbats are committed to non-violence and consensual sex, while the icons of the Holy Right Reich are… not so much.
As for what the parents were supposed to do about it, the NRA just told us: They were supposed to grab their extensive gun collection, buy some rope and nails, and go kill them a Congersscritter! Or at least a handful of little Amish schoolgirls… *sigh*
Y’know, patkin, your cogent and well argued dismissal of roughly half of academia might go down better if you proofread it, first. I know it’s petty to pick at a typo, but I couldn’t help but giggle, considering the word whut followed.
Btw, if you’re going to say that only certain sciences aren’t “made up bullshit”, you might want to reconsider on philosophy. Descartes kinda started the modern model of science with….. wait for it….. his philosophical writings.
Or, if you’re a Jebushumper, well, shit. Half your cosmology comes from neo-Platonism via St. Augustine.
I know it’s fun being a reactionary nihilist, but if you keep it up past the age of about 15-16, yer an idiot.
Oops. That may have been snark, ifso, my bad. If not, the comment stands.
Assuming patkin’s post was snark-free, I think the essential difference between the discipline of divinity and the other “made-up bullshit” disciplines mentioned is that political science, mathematics, and even the hated study of linguistics are theoretical approaches to observable artifacts, whereas divinity, as an academic discipline, begins with the premise that literature is literal and then theorizes from there about that which is inherently unobservable.
Marq No, no, no. Pastor Swank, have you forgotten so soon?! Marriage = 1 man + 1 woman. The truth doesn’t enter into it at all!
Truth is a woman. You want her, you need her, and yet you don’t believe her. Or as Francicso de Quevedo put it:
“What an awful life! Nobody has a worse time than madmen who earn their living from other madmen.”
I can’t resist jumping on Patkin’s post, which does not appear to contain even .01mg of snark.
Well, unlike going to school to learn political science (made up bullshit), philosophy (made up bullshit), high-level mathematics (made up bullshit) or any of those other intellectually stimulating but entirely manufactured educational tracks.
And don’t even get me started one linguistics majors.
The big difference here is not in the conclusions. Yes, their value and accuracy can be debated. It’s in the method. All of YOUR “made up bullshit” at least have data based on observable events and facts. You can look at those events and facts and disagree with the conclusions. But there is NO data in “divinity”. I can’t look at your data, because it is…
…wait for it…
…made up bullshit….
mikey
He don’t know me vewwy well, do he?
[yeah, yeah, it’s schtick, but I do it so well!]
Don’t get me started on QDFT (Quantum dreamfield theory). SU(3)xSU(2)xU(1), and all that.
Huh, AA hasn’t posted again here. Maybe she got lost in her dreamfield.
Let me take you down, ’cause I’m going to Swank Dreamfields.
Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about.
Swank Dreamfields forever.
Always know sometimes think it’s me, but you know I know when it’s a dream
-field. I think a “No” will mean a “Yes,” but it’s all WRONG.
That is I think I disagree.
wrt/divinity – yeah, the God’n’Jeebus part is retarded, but there’s a part of divinity study that has to do with how we mortals might lead more “Christlike” lives with other human beings. How to be a good person. Morality. Stuff like that. Pity that religiosity tangles it all up and renders it useless or unpalatable.