Lunatic is the word you apply to sane people
Fresh from our latest visit to The Rant in our quest to find a new Brian Cherry, we are happy to introduce you to Justin “Dapper” Darr, whose column is titled To Thy Own Self Be True. Justin is mad that another American has been killed in Iraq:
Savage is too kind a word to describe the perpetrators of this act. Savage is a word you apply to human beings.
Yes, savage is a word best used for humans — and these people were obviously not humans. Justin, fortunately, knows why the terrorists psychopaths hate us:
Over 80 years ago, before there was an Israel, and America had no real interests in the Middle East, radical Islamists first wrote out the evils of our society based on the fact that we allowed unmarried men and women to dance together. That is correct. America was targeted as a decadent threat to Islam because we have high school proms.
Gee, radical Islamists sound a lot like these guys:
Now for the Christian young person you have more issues to deal with. First and foremost, does God want you to attend this prom? It would be really easy to just sweep this question under the rug and try to ignore it, but Christians should never ignore the things of this world that confront them and the things that tempt them to do evil. So let’s get some answers from the Bible […]
But did you also know that the sinful people got involved in fleshly dancing and that led to all kinds of immorality?
Justin has more:
John Kerry is not trouncing Bush in the polls because we understand that a Kerry victory would be tantamount to announcing open hunting season on Americans overseas.
So far, “we” know that Kerry isn’t trouncing Bush because “we” realize that if Kerry is elected terrorists will start killing Americans all over the place. (Why they don’t do so now remains unexplained.) But why are some people supporting Kerry instead of Bush:
Polls show support for Bush declining not because Americans feel bad about how we are treating the Iraqis, but because he is not being forceful enough.
Bush is being too nice, so voters say they will vote for Kerry even though they realize that voting for Kerry will mean “open season on Americans overseas.” You really can’t argue with that logic.
So what should we do now?
The time has come for decisive action no matter what the cost in international popularity.
Because if there’s anything that smacks of indecisiveness, it is spending $200 billion and sending over 100,000 troops to occupy a country headed by a dictator whose arsenal of weapons of mass destruction consists of a single pre-1991 chemical warhead.
Justin: we’ll see you at the Armed Forces Recruitment Office!
As for you, poor readers, you’ll be seeing a lot more of Justin in the weeks to come. He is, after all:
a fountain of relatively useless knowledge do to years of University study.
as well as:
the hottest new conservative writer on the web so book mark this page and you can say you knew him before he was famous!
All aboard the Justin Darr Celebrity Train, now leaving Delusion City. If you need Justin, you can find him at a Wal-Mart in the Philadelphia area:
Justin Darr is a veteran retail manager from the Philadelphia area.
Dude looks like William Hung. I wonder if his blogging is as good as Hung’s singing. My nipples are hardening in anticipation.
Justin,
In those years of education, you didn’t learn the difference between the words “due” and do”?
Man, everybody’s the “hottest new conservative writer on the Web” these days, aren’t they?
The Rant is such a treasure trove. It’s almost like shooting fish in a barrel. Thanks for alerting readers to it.
Ryan Thompson is also good, especially when he rants about how “the latest craze for girls who are graduating high school” is “to receive breast implants.”
What about “To THINE self be true,” moron?
I guess you don’t have to study Shakespeare to accomplish the high rank of “retail manager.”
Well, we now know that Vladimir Putin was visiting hookers in Philadelphia in the early 70s.
Whew, I’ve been getting night sweats worrying that the 101st Keyboard Brigade? wasn’t going to meet its recruitment goals.
Just once I want to see one of these bugwits explain where the troops (and the money) needed to conquer the world are supposed to come from. We couldn’t come up with two divisions this spring, and had to extend the tours of 20,000 troops. On to Damascus, baby!
And I’d explain to Justin what SOCAL was doing in the 20s, or what the Brits were doing before the Great War, but that would only give comfort to the psychopaths.
Heh. Fleshly dancing.
I went a-trolling to the editor over there, who seems to think that the question of getting the “Thy/Thine” quote right is irrelevant, since I “assume” he wants to quote somebody. A halfway quote, I point out, is ridiculous, and in addition, “thy=you” while “thine+your.” He brushed me off by saying he doesn’t “have time for this crap.” He seems to be easily stirred, so may I suggest to everyone who reads this that you go over and troll him today and make his life miserable.
Damn, no comments section. Bunch of pussies.
Hey, he left an email contact. Yay! I did him a favor and corrected his Shakespeare quote also.
The editor informs me that they don’t really edit anything over there. Fine. It only makes the hottest young conservative writers look that much more stupid.
So what does the editor do?
That’s a really good question. He claims to “manage” the website. When I politely suggested that makes him a “webmaster” rather than an “editor,” and that he was merely making his hot young conservative writers look even more stupid by not correcting basic grammar and spelling errors, he got indignant, said (this is a quote) “bite me” and put me on his spam filter list. So I went on my hotmail account and called him an asshole. It all ended with the behavior that you might expect from adults or vice presidents.
in re editor vs webmaster title – as we’ve noticed, all these guys got swelled heads. They’re all the greatest new voice in neocon thought, or The Amazing Zonko, or whatever. (goes with liking to talk about selves in the third person I notice.)
Also – slight nitpick – re thy/thine etc you’re both slighlty wrong. Thou (nom), then [to] Thee, thy/thine both are possessive, difference is whether goes before vowel.
But the quote is “to thine own self be true,” from Hamlet. So thine in this case is perfectly correct. [/language nerd]
in re history – these guys are really the epitome of “don’t confuse me with the fax!”
Also, did yall see that find of the General’s, Hillbilly Housewife? Now there’s someone who’s marriage might be threatened by same-sex weddings, seeing as how working with coworkers of the other sex is likely to make her automatically commit adultery!
Darr uses “thy own self.” Is that correct or incorrect? If he wanted to use “thy,” why wouldn’t he simply say “thyself”?
I just wanted to let everybody know that Justin has lost his title. It’s a tough one to keep, but now I’M the hottest young conservative writer on the internet. So Cheney all of y’all!
“thy own self” is definitely wrong. Thyself (all one word) or “thine own self” with spaces, because you don’t have two vowels together. (Same as “a egg” is wrong.)
Yosef – oh yeah? ya wanna fight, punk? You and whose army, bub?
(Young Conservative Deathmatch 2004, how about it?)
(tho’ scarily I think Seb would win it, even against real Young Conservatives, ’cause of those imitation Doug Giles quotes the other day. Being able to write them better than themselves is – wow.)
Bellatrys-
[bad overdub]
Wanna try my Wu-Darr style?
Yosef –
And they say liberals have no sense of humour!
I don’t know about you, but when I want cutting-edge political commentary, I go seek out a retail manager.
Just like I go seek out a 20 year old college student when I want to know all there is to know about the Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy?, that mAnn Coulter hasn’t told me already.
(I was speaking of Ben Shapiro for the latter)
Whoa. Ease up on Justin.
He’s not just a retail manager, he’s a veteran retail manager. He’s on the frontlines of retail–shoehorn in teeth–protecting our freedom from high prices or something like that.
I’m thinking Al Bundy here.
Apparently those years of university study didn’t include any classes in english composition of logic. Pity.
Why is it that all these republican dudes look like perverts? Anyone know?
Actually, you guys that want to troll him should send him photos of calico cats. Ashcroft has that dancing phobia too (thinks it’s the devil’s activity) so maybe young Justin has the cat phobia as well.
they all look like pervs for a reason. They are PERVERTS, hope that helps
Thanks merl! tremendously!
This guy gives all of us ‘veteran retail managers from the Philadelphia area’ a bad name.
I do know I’ll be watching closely whenever I go into a 7-11 or Wawa because my slurpee or tastycakes might be rung up by the hottest new conservative writer on the web.
What a dink.
oh boy… is someone trying to steal young master Kyle Williams’s thunder???
‘I don’t know about you, but when I want cutting-edge political commentary, I go seek out a retail manager.’
That hurt a bit, by the way. I think the real issue is this dipsh*t thinking that being a ‘veteran retail manager’ has anything to do with anything.
I mean, we all have to eat. I quite commonly offer political commentary, I don’t believe, however, that my dumbass day job offers any credibility to the things I say.
He considers himself the hottest new conservative writer on the web so book mark this page
Damn. And I spent all this time trying to get recognized by others as the coldest liberal writer. From now on I consider myself a genius.
JUSTIN IS RIGHT.NONE OF YOU ARE SHIT.YOU WONT TELL WHAT YOU THINK.YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF COWARDLY BITCHES.