No wait, bad analogy, in Two-Face’s character, one of the choices is actually good.

Ross Douchehat, The Motherfucking Scumsucking Bottomfeeding New York Times:
Obama’s Impeachment Game

Man, fuck the borked site, some things need to be waded after as if they were piranha-proof bikini bottoms. And in this particular carcass of our once proud vessel, it is the simple fact that the Republicans have completely lost the goddamn plot.

I know, hardly news, but the Republicans have managed to outdo themselves in their fervor to repeat Brazil’s performance against Germany in incompetence by flipping out over the fact that it’s been 5 and a half years and the blackity black man is still in high office and no one seems to be scared of them even though they’ve done their damnedest to legalize murder of the untermenschen in their little fiefdoms. As such, they’ve soiled their little nappies over calls for impeachment, figuring it worked well enough delegitimizing the last Democratic president, but apparently forgetting that one is supposed to have like, a cause, before banging the table about how being black and in power is against the law.

As such, the Republican House has managed to bring shame to that benighted and plagued palace of ineptitude and intentional ignorance by raising the call and saying that they will get that darn wasscally pwesident if it’s the last thing they do, you know, as soon as they find some lame excuse to semi-justify it. The current course led by John Semi-Erect Penis is to mumble something about how Obama isn’t doing enough to enforce the Health Care Law that Republicans have been blocking the enforcement on, because apparently conservatives never graduated from the school of playground arguments and think “stop hitting yourself” is legally binding.

Granted, it’s not like they’ve bothered to even pretend they care about the rule of law these days what with the Supreme Court giving a big middle finger to the Establishment Clause and well… pretty much every Republican action since Nixon first started his band of thieving scoundrels, but it’s one of those things that is so blatant that even Joe Nosepicker is forced to cock their head in genuine query.

Which has led to a fascinating round of kabuki as our Bought-and-Sold Media once again flash the dollar-signs printed on their solid diamond go-go shorts to try and deflect the damage of this hilarious own-goal and argue that Democrats are the real embarrassment for daring to notice and comment on this tragedy of errors. Because Democrats being alive is apparently too much to keep pretending that it’s at all an even choice between the Shit Party and the Cabal of Cannibals who Plan to Eat us in Our Sleep.

And for those “Intelligent” conservatives and “moderates” employed by likes of the motherfucking New York Times, the cover up is more hilarious than the fail itself. Roll our first clip.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• What this broken window I’m standing next to with a baseball bat? Um, I didn’t do it. It was the black guy who lives here. Yeah, he caused this broken window, which doesn’t even exist. And we should be very ashamed that he’s taking valuable time from fixing this not at all broken window to ask questions like “who broke this window” and “what the fuck are you racist fucks doing?” Very, very ashamed. Bad Obama. We should impeac- I mean, ha ha what broken window?

Yes, indeedy, it should come as no surprise to those of us versed in conservative’s mastery of IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION, but the “reasonable conservatives” have all been given the talking points that it’s very bad form of Obama to recognize the hilariously bullshit Impeachment rumblings as the Renew America racist fantasies they are and use them to highlight the way that the House has blocked pretty much everything in Year Nineteen Hundred of Republican’s stonewalling plan for breaking their toys if they are being forced to share.

And it equally comes as no surprise that our favorite vagina-fearing Catholic water carrier is going all out in front with his shiny Chunky Reese Witherspoon cheeks hoping to turn the bacteria infested waters of his drinking hole into premier exotic supreme bottled water.

SOMETHING rather dangerous is happening in American politics right now, all the more so for being taken for granted by many of the people watching it unfold.

That the system is broken and any attempt to fix the shorting wires and rotted cables that keep our diseased and tired country lurching somewhat forwardish in the direction of not turning into a perfect shooting location for the next Mad Max movie? That a small core of political nihilists are trying everything in their power to smash the gears and loot the corpses because their cheerleading for the rich and moral-less has made them so unpopular that they are worried they’ll lose their ability to cheat and steal their way into absolute power anymore?

The way that wholesale murder of black people in the defense of meaningless stuff has been wholly legalized up to and including to the point of hunting them in the streets for sport? The way that a crazed religious order has done everything in their power to try and force women back into their “natural” role as broodmare and owned object? The way that we’ve wallowed in a Second Great Depression where children have to go further and further into debt and get more and more levels of schooling they can’t afford just to achieve the lofty place of actually being able to afford rent?

The way we’re all just waiting patiently for the truly mad cabal of psychotic bitter and frustrated white men, spitting mad at their loss of unequivocal power, to die off so we can begin fixing the first layer of everything that is wrong and we’re all hoping that that far-off moment won’t be too late to stop the single greatest environmental disaster to ever befall the human species?

I do not mean the confusion of House Republicans, or the general gridlock in Congress, which are impeding legislative action on the child migrant crisis (among other matters).

Oh yeah, didn’t even get into the way that the lizardmen of the Republican Party have tried to literally demonize and dehumanize literal* children because playing hide and seek with human lives in the hope of being a few more years of viability out of the Southern Strategy is apparently supposed to be perfectly reasonable and unobjectionable. Add that to the list.

Incompetence and gridlock are significant problems, indeed severe ones, but they’re happening within the context of a constitutional system that allows for — and can survive — congressional inaction.

Indeed. All of these grave and dire situations pale in the comparison to… DUH DUH DUHHHHHHH!

What is different — more cynical and more destructive — is the course President Obama is pursuing in response.

Yes, pales in comparison to that blackity black black bastard who keeps thinking he’s the leader of the Free World in all defense of “natural lawwwww” politely clearing his throat and asking what the fuck at the latest kabuki theatre of made-up indignities and conspiracies he is apparently responsible for.

Damnitt, liberals, when will you learn that it’s unfair when you think you get to participate in how this country runs? Just lie back and accept the autocracy’s flaccid one-inch dick. Please. We’ve worked so hard to create it and with our current outreach efforts to anyone who isn’t fucking insane and literally praying for the Rapture being what they are, we’ve really stopped believing we’ll ever have the run we had in the 00’s.

But I kid, surely Douchehat’s reasons are far more rea-

Over the last month, the Obama political apparatus — a close aide to the president, the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee and the “independent” voices at MSNBC — has been talking nonstop about an alleged Republican plan to impeach the president.

Ha ha, as if.

Also, got to love the dogwhistle here. Sure, every “news” rag on the payrolls of our Reptilian Overlords masquerading as the rich has been trumpeting this non-story trying to make the Republicans falling in lockstep behind the likes of Alan Keyes and Sarah Palin seem like a real and reasoned response to Obama’s skin color… I mean crimes, but now that this shit is completely embarrassing and just makes Democrats look good, it was all invented by the dastardly likes of Rachel Maddow who controls all the other Jews… I mean liberals of the media to dance around Obama’s pied piper routine.

John Boehner’s symbolic lawsuit against the White House has been dubbed “impeachment lite,” Sarah Palin’s pleas for attention have been creatively reinterpreted as G.O.P. marching orders, and an entire apocalyptic fund-raising campaign has been built around the specter of a House impeachment vote.

See. It’s all Obama’s fault. He’s profiting off our dumbassery, so ipso facto, he’s responsible for it. He tricked us into digging a bear pit and then stumbling drunkenly into it! So there!

Oi, I never cease to be amused by this logic that liberals are somehow responsible for “tricking” conservatives into acting like complete shitemonglers in order to “profit” from the martyrdom of having been treated shittily.

I mean, beyond the whole “blaming the victim” absurdity at work in the basic premise, there is the simple fact that the supposed “victims” of this “deception” have a really fucking easy way to stop this indignity of “being profited off of” from happening.

Just stop being assholes.

Take a break, change the subject, and stop being monstrous in public and then those dastardly others won’t be able to use your ignorant and hateful bullshit to “trick the public” into sympathizing with the abused instead of the abusers. It’s just that fucking simple. I mean, you could make this go away in an instant by just giving up this childish fantasy that you can make the black man go away and actually work to be a real political party.

But no, instead we get this nonsense in the hopes that if you just pull this stunt enough times, people will collectively get a concussion and forget it’s fucking stupid.

Anyone paying attention knows that no such impeachment plan is currently afoot. So taken on its own, the impeachment chatter would simply be an unseemly, un-presidential attempt to raise money and get out the 2014 vote.

Our ill-thought out plan is wholly unfeasible, therefore, it was totally the invention of the liberals. Because that’s how you um logic good.

But it isn’t happening in a vacuum, because even as his team plays the impeachment card with gusto

Race card, Impeachment card, War on Women card. Maybe the biggest problem in American politics seems to be that one party thinks that politics is supposed to be a fucking gambling sport rigged in their favor instead of the main apparatus by which Americans run and support their country.

Hey, dipshits, our lives and survival are not a fucking game of cards, you casino-addicted fuckweasels!

the president is contemplating — indeed, all but promising — an extraordinary abuse of office: the granting of temporary legal status, by executive fiat, to up to half the country’s population of illegal immigrants.

DUH DUH DUHHHHHH! See, liberals, we’re totally not pushing for made-up bullshit we can spin into justifying impeachment, except, oh my lord, using historical precedent to handle an immigration crisis our country created and refuses to address is totes the worst abuse of power EVAH and justifies impeachment!

… Okay, just going to gloss over the first thousand obvious points that come up and just note that I don’t even think our amnesic public is going to be ga-ga over supporting Obama being impeached for nonsense and bullshit after we let the last gang of war criminals and real life supervillains go into the night scot free. I think people might be a bit perturbed and that might have something to do with people being a bit sour on the whole game of “Invent a Scandal” that the conservatives have been playing for the last couple of years.

Such an action would come equipped with legal justifications, of course. Past presidents have suspended immigration enforcement for select groups, and Obama himself did the same for certain younger immigrants in 2012.

So… you’re saying you have no case outside of “bu-bu-but we’ve totally tanked outreach to latin@s and they won’t allow us to steal the next batch of elections”. Fantastic. Glad to see you offering your valuable opinion on the wide-reaching stage of the Ol’ Grey Lady. Shows… things. Definitely things.

A creative White House lawyer — a John Yoo of the left —

Ha ha ha ha! Fuck you.

could rely on those precedents to build a case for the legality of a more sweeping move.

But the precedents would not actually justify the policy, because the scope would be radically different. Beyond a certain point, as the president himself has conceded in the past, selective enforcement of our laws amounts to a de facto repeal of their provisions. And in this case the de facto repeal would aim to effectively settle — not shift, but settle — a major domestic policy controversy on the terms favored by the White House.

Oh man, if Obama did something really big, that sure would be something to rattle our sabres about. Let’s all pre-emptively impeach him before he… doesn’t actually do that but argues for something much smaller even though he’d be fully in his rights to do our nightmare hallucination seeing as how we’ve completely bowed out of any and all dialogue on this issue as the crisis grows worse and more desperate.

Also, what the fuck on the selective enforcement shit equals repeal equals illegal bullshit. Hey, dipshit, every country does selective enforcement of its laws, because you only have so many police officers and government inspectors to ensure law is upheld. And in our country, that selection has only been to the protection of rich white assholes. Powder cocaine gets a free pass, stealing millions from the poor gets a yawn, grand theft continent gets an eye-roll, and poisoning whole towns for short-term profit gets a sad soft fart at best. But hey, suddenly wonder about using that same blindness to handle dumb laws that criminalize people for no better reason than bad laws on the books haven’t been fixed yet (minor drug offenses, immigration, etc…)? And oh noes, Obama is suspending the rule of law with his shocktroopers. Even if he isn’t even pushing in that direction.

And the sheer self-serving dishonesty of that just sticks in my fucking craw, just like whenever some bribe-taking, lobbyist-employed weasel tries to run on a “law and order” campaign while begging indulgence for stealing from the Leave a Penny tray.

This simply does not happen in our politics. Presidents are granted broad powers over foreign policy, and they tend to push the envelope substantially in wartime. But domestic power grabs are usually modest in scope, and executive orders usually work around the margins of hotly contested issues.

Yeah Fictional Version of Obama! Don’t you know that ignoring the rule of law is only okay when you are sending people to kill and become horrifically traumatized in some random desert somewhere because a bunch of brown people live there? It’s not for actually fixing problems that the nihilist party refuses to address because they are hoping a broken system will somehow benefit the wanna-be fascists they’re counting on for political relevance. Duh!

In defense of going much, much further,

Fuck the fucking Republicans and the War For White Supremacy disguised as our current laws on immigrations and let’s start treating the people who are already here as people and streamline the ability of those wracked by violence we fueled and created to migrate safely here?

the White House would doubtless cite the need to address the current migrant surge, the House Republicans’ resistance to comprehensive immigration reform and public opinion’s inclination in its favor.

… Those were all true things, which means you’re about to start spinning some babbling double-talk off the logic cliff straight into Dumbfuck Gorge.

But all three points are spurious. A further amnesty would, if anything, probably incentivize further migration, just as Obama’s previous grant of legal status may well have done. The public’s views on immigration are vaguely pro-legalization — but they’re also malleable, complicated and, amid the border crisis, trending rightward. And in any case we are a republic of laws, in which a House majority that defies public opinion is supposed to be turned out of office, not simply overruled by the executive.

Well, that strawman is well and truly ablaze. Well done. Fictional Obama will now know twice than to do the thing he won’t do.

Also, sure, believe that the American people will support Team Kill Everyone Not White because eek, latin@s. Whatever helps you sleep at night on your tear and piss soaked pillow full of money.

What’s more, given that the Democrats controlled Congress just four years ago and conspicuously failed to pass immigration reform, it’s especially hard to see how Republican intransigence now somehow justifies domestic Caesarism.

We’re not deliberately stonewalling. I mean, look at conservative Democrats. They also deliberately stonewalled. So there!

But in political terms, there is a sordid sort of genius to the Obama strategy.

Fictional Obama’s non-strategy?

Yeah, it would be fucking brilliant. It would be brilliant if our politicians and media stopped pretending that the band of nihilists and their made-up distractions were worthy of thought and more ink was spilled on the issue of actually looking at how we treat immigrants and aiding them in legally integrating into our society than on trying to justify impeaching Obama on trumped-up nothing. If we actually could fix the myriad of problems we are besieged by rather than entertain the feels of people whose convictions stretch no further than: “grr, more non-white people in country decreases relative percentage of white people. Downvote. Unsubscribe.”

That would be fucking swell. But sadly we’re here on Earth and so the closest we’ll get is Obama using the bullshit non-drama of the latest conservafail to try and draw attention to actual fucking issues!

The threat of a unilateral amnesty contributes to internal G.O.P. chaos on immigration strategy, chaos which can then be invoked (as the president did in a Friday news conference) to justify unilateral action. The impeachment predictions, meanwhile, help box Republicans in: If they howl — justifiably! — at executive overreach, the White House gets to say “look at the crazies — we told you they were out for blood.”

Wahhhh! It’s liberals fault that our actions make us look bad! Wahhh!

It’s only genius, however, if the nonconservative media — honorable liberals and evenhanded moderates alike — continue to accept the claim that immigration reform by fiat would just be politics as usual, and to analyze the idea strictly in terms of its political effects (on Latino turnout, Democratic fund-raising, G.O.P. internal strife).

Yeah, liberals, pfft, it’d be totally *snicker* “genius”, heh, if you were to totally give up actually arguing on moral, ethical, humanitarian, or practical grounds and just let us unilaterally frame the issue as Democrats inventing evil mole people to gain an unfair political advantage. That’s smaaaaart. Pfft. C’mon, would I lie to you?

This is the tone of the media coverage right now: The president may get the occasional rebuke for impeachment-baiting, but what the White House wants to do on immigration is assumed to be reasonable, legitimate, within normal political bounds.

It is not: It would be lawless, reckless, a leap into the antidemocratic dark.

So… Obama arguing for a law passed by Congress is antidemocratic, but the idiots trying to bring down the country because they don’t get to steal it with impunity anymore are… the true expression of the will of the Founding Fathers?

Fuck, is there a drug we can start prescribing that would get conservatives to stop making out with their strawmen and actually fucking deal with the world that is for a change?

And an American political class that lets this Rubicon be crossed without demurral will deserve to live with the consequences for the republic, in what remains of this presidency and in presidencies yet to come.

Yes, a non-existant event that won’t happen and wouldn’t actually be outside of precedent if it did is the Rubicon we can not come back from. Not… you know arguing that war crimes are a-okay if you have the nuclear arsenal to back them up. Or normalizing indefinite detention and torture. Or punishing whistle blowing far more than war crimes.

Mm hmm, sure. Fuck, man, if you’re going to produce such weak shit, at least have the decency to flush afterwards…

But hey, silly and pathetic as Douchehat’s article is. It’s not the most embarrassing cumstain to leave its mark on the NY Times drapes.

Nope, while Douchehat was trying to pull his trademark, oh no, no one is actually calling for impeachment, that’s all an invention of Obama to sneak dirty filthy bean-eaters into your wife’s bedchambers, gambit, an even dumber, more pathetic creature was taking a triumphant piss all over Douchehat’s attempted deception. Ah yes, let us dive into…

MoDo(r), Why Do People Still Take This Shitrag Seriously?:
A Modest Proposal

Oh, lordy lordy Lorde, it’s been too long since I’ve waded in this particular over-flowing septic pit. Mainly because reading the works of Maureen Dowd is like volunteering to go to the most hate-spitting Church in the country wearing my best dress and a sign that says “Please Commit a Hate Crime Against Me”. Maureen Dowd has only ever remained employed so that the sexist bastards who own the New York He-Man Woman-Hater’s Newsletter can point to her and go “gosh, aren’t women and feminists dumb and selfish and evil she-beasts who try and steal your alimony, you hear that Cheryl, I’ll get my kids back, you’ll see!”

And despite how mind-numbingly awful she is when trying to handle anything related to gender politics, Dowd always manages to find exciting new lows whenever she turns her syphilis-riddled mind to politics. Endless parades of poorly sublimated daddy issues, deep grudges based on imaginary slights, and just pure concentrated stupid on the level to make one weep for one’s gender.

So when she tries to hide her panting erotic excitement of someone getting rid of the black daddy and giving her a proper white silver fox to masturbate to behind an excuse of supposed satire, you know you’re in for a “treat”.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Hey, maybe we should impeach Obama. Just kidding, that would be terrible for Republicans… Well, I mean, shouldn’t we do it anyways. It would make all my political fanfic canon and… c’mon, I need this. Hee hee, totally just joking, I swear. Biden, please call me!

Jonathan Swift, she is not.

Enough with all the phony impeachment talk.

Onward to a real impeachment!

In the absurdist capital we live in, it would be good for all sides — in ways you may not have considered.

Indeed, it would fit the Wonderland-esque surrealism of our modern political landscape and further codify its departure from the people it supposedly is responsible to.

Let’s see you somehow forget this is supposed to be a bad thing.

President Obama’s threat to bypass obstinate Republican lawmakers and pass legislation with executive actions — “I’ve got a pen and I’ve got a phone” — may have seemed a bit of a wimpy cop-out in January. But now he has a chance to turn it into a historic battle cry.

He gives a passionate address to the nation, channeling 2004 Obama, and asks, as the son of a foreigner who came to America to go to school, how our mosaic of immigrants soured into such a cruel place toward displaced children.

He defies the Republicans and shoots the moon on an executive order, giving backdoor amnesty to millions of undocumented Hispanic immigrants as well as all those suffering kids on the border who are afraid to live in their own violent countries.

Okay, it really doesn’t fit the notion of “satire” if you’re still trafficking in the same wild eyed conspiracy theories and trying the same sad distraction game as all the other talking heads and trying to argue that Obama getting reasonably short with a House of Representatives that is less and less connected to basic reality and less and less interested with even putting up the pretense that they are not just a giant monkey wrench in the works.

It just becomes the sort of “satire” MRA-types try and hide behind when they want plausible deniability for their panting argument for why the age of consent should be lowered to 12.

The Republicans go absolutely nuts and realize that their lawsuit, the mini-me of impeachment, will not suffice. They hesitate to go as far as a Swiftian solution, selling the children to rich people as food.

Ha ha HA! Fuck you.

Fuck, what’s the rule about film? Never reference a better movie during your shitty one? There should be a similar rule in place for the written word… (glance up at most of my titles) er… um… I mean, that’s a totally stupid idea, heh heh.

So they race back into session and try the president for the high crime and misdemeanor of abusing his power.

Yeah, see, here’s the thing, it doesn’t count as satire if you think this random conspiracy of a non-event would actually be a fucking high crime and misdemeanor that would justify proportional response. I mean, for fuck’s sake, you so completely shoot the pretense of satire that you actually preface this self-serving bullshit with a line about rejecting a Swiftian response. It’s… grahhhh, Literature Nerd Rage!!!!!!!

It gives the party, which is ripping itself apart trying to figure out what it stands for, a clear identity: You can count on Republicans to always impeach Democratic presidents in their second terms. G.O.P. will become short for Gratuitously Ousting Presidents.

They won’t be able to win the White House ever again after alienating every Hispanic in the country, but they can bask in presidentus interruptus.

Republicans could finally take on Obama to a degree that would make their crazed base happy — or as happy as this begrudging, seething crowd and their mindless, malcontent queen, Sarah Palin, are capable of being.

Yeahhhh… I don’t think they need to go to all the effort of actually impeaching Obama to have that reputation. I think the last 5 and a half years have spoken well enough for themselves.

Presidential candidates who support impeachment would thrive in the primaries because the rabid anti-Obama base would reward them. A recent CNN poll reported that 57 percent of Republicans support impeaching Obama — and that is before any bold executive action on immigration or preventing corporations from fleeing America to dodge taxes.

Yeah, which is sort of the biggest reason that Republicans are fucked in any match that isn’t rigged in their favor through gerrymandering. The inmates of the asylum who can at least pour themselves into a suit and feign dignity are being replaced by the type who use their own feces for toothpaste and it’s leading to an ever-growing cascade of doubling-down and showing off who is more disconnected from reality than who for the dwindling members who have tribal loyalty.

Fuck, it’s why we’re seeing this Renew America fantasy that has only been lurking here and there in the wingnutosphere suddenly getting mainstream attention as the Serious Journamalists try and invent fantasy stories of how this lunacy could possibly be justified and not be the racist claptrap it is.

And it’s why Republicans have straight up given up ever trying to appeal to latin@s and women and people who make less than 4 million a year.

Democratic candidates, struggling in this election season, wouldn’t have to think of silly excuses not to appear on the trail with the president while Republican candidates jockey to get a blessing from Mitt Romney.

Yesssss, Obama is totally a net negative for candidates, uh huh. Sure. Keep telling yourself that, sweetie. And oh, by the way, you might want to get to a mirror, your pointy hood has gone all crooked.

And if Democrats are having so much success raising millions by hyping a fake impeachment threat, think of what they could do with a real one.

Seriously, it is amazing how the right-wing noise machine has tried and tried to make the notion of Democrats actually going through the steps of elections into some sort of unfair, abominable, cheating action. Oh no, how dare Democrats fundraise? It’s scandalous. And calling attention to just how fucking unchained from reality Republicans have become? What dirty pool. But trying to impeach the President because you don’t like how the health care law that has already been passed gives people reasons to be grateful to liberal politicians is par for the course. And making it legal for rich people to outright buy campaigns and our Supreme Court?

It’d all be so laughable if it wasn’t a sign that the entrenched authoritarians in our society are growing increasingly frustrated and unsupportive of democracy now that they’ve completely jumped the shark.

The biggest beneficiary, of course, would be President Obama.

Oh, I guess, we’re back to the “Modest Proposal”, where Modest Proposal apparently means the usual dishonest conservative claptrap where they try and sell some self-serving horseshit as “secretly good for liberals” in the hope that there is a Lieberman type out there legitimately dumb enough to fall for it.

If Congress makes him the first-ever president removed by impeachment, his popularity will soar from its current nadir, maybe even approaching Bill Clinton heights. It would validate the president’s whinging that he could never work with the Republicans and cement their reputation as world-class thwarters.

It would endear him to Democrats for years to come because he lost the highest office in the land going to bat for them. They would finally forgive Obama for running for president — twice — when he scorned politics.

Fed-up Americans would decide to actually go vote this year for Democrats and save them from the losses they seem headed for.

Oh, don’t concern yourself with that strange sound in the air. It’s only the answer to a zen koan. What is the sound of one hand fapping?

I mean, MoDo is fucking going to town on herself here with a delusional fantasy level where it is Obama who is the least liked person in politics right now and Democrats are the ones who look bad and out of touch and are destined for future losses.

Best of all, President Obama could take an extra-early slide out of the job he doesn’t seem to enjoy.

He and an ecstatic Michelle could move back to Chicago or up to New York, leaving the despised Washington in the dust. He could indulge in the speechifying, edifying and modulating that he loves so much.

As a master of narrative, the president knows that he lost control of his own. An impeachment would allow him to recast his story in a vivid new light.

Right now, his story is the boring — and bored — president who can’t get Congress to do anything and is just coasting into irrelevance. After taking big risks early in his presidency, with health care and the bin Laden raid, he seemed to sink into disgust at the gnarled system, slacking off and playing golf.

But if he got thrown out of office for taking an audacious risk, showing he was willing to fight for something and stand up to the nihilists, racists and Tea Party loonies, his narrative would leap into “High Noon” drama.

And this sexual fantasy of such horrifying nature as to make me one of those sex-repulsed asexuals nonetheless serves as a great demonstration of what this is all about.

All the fantasy of what random assortment of events would somehow justify this nonevent of removing him, of Obama being a weak-minded and weak-willed fool who can’t wait to abandon ship, and most of all, the central motif of Obama being over early.

It all comes down to the same pathetic white conservative tantrum that has occurred since Obama was first elected. From the Birth Certificate bullshit through the spun tales of how 2012 would sweep the “uncleanliness” out of our Whitest of Houses. The inability to handle what it means that we are in a country where the most powerful man in the country is a black man.

And not only a black man, but a black man with a funny name, birthed of a single mother and immigrant blood, succeeding on his own merits, climbing through the rigged game and being liked by the majority of Americans.

That one of “them”, the “help”, the permanent underclass to be regarded as subhuman criminals and na’er-do-wells, the escaped slaves who will be returned to their rightful place when the “heritage” of the South Rises Again is, in all possible interpretations of the term, better than them.

For petty authoritarians and especially the likes of Maureen Dowd who needs to worship a President as a dominating Christian Grey type figure, the notion that the “Top Dog” is a black man and will be a black man for the next 2 and a half years breaks them. And the notion that this could only be the beginning and we may have other black or brown men in high office, or even black or brown women, maybe even queer black and brown men and women fills them with existential terror, because to them it marks the end of an era of White Supremacy. Where the Southern Strategy is a viable means of waltzing into political power and a cry of “Nigger, Nigger, Nigger” will elicit wild ecstatic cries of support.

Where the sad unworthy beneficiaries of an unfair system weighted in their favor will no longer be looked at as wise sages, but rather in the same way one regards Uncle Clem when he starts ranting about impure pollution of the species when your brother starts talking about his wife. That people will cease to be held in locked fear of this mad dog and the locked gears against progress and actually start examining the racist, sexist bullshit that holds us down.

Why was Trayvon Martin shot? Why are the prisons filled with black men on non-violent drug charges? Why is it somehow a “morality” issue to deny a woman birth control, but not to deny a man a boner pill? Why are we all so scared of a small smattering of gibbering lunatics who think extending some small iota of humanity would be the greatest political treason in an era where drone assassinations and permanent torture camps are to be regarded as nothing?

Why, in short order, should we give a shit about the likes of Maureen Dowd instead of the words of someone like Laverne Cox?

These are the things that birth this panic and self-destructive bullshit like this wave of dimbulb support for impeaching a sitting president for literally nothing but fantasy and bullshit.

I’ve wasted enough words on this waste of space, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t take time for one last kick in the stomach on my way out.

Oh, and there’s a final person it would be really good for — and he’s owed one.

Joe Biden would get to be president — the shot that Obama and his strategists have been reluctant to give the loyal vice president, preferring to boost former rival Hillary Clinton.

Unlike Obama, Biden enjoys schmoozing, jawboning, logrolling, arm-twisting and deal-making with lawmakers ’til the cows come home.

And, as we learned in the new Ronald Kessler book on the Secret Service, Biden likes to swim in the nude. So he’d certainly be a president who believes in transparency.

Someone needs to be older male prostitutes for the entire diseased MSM to finally end their panting unconsummated lust for silver haired white men with slightly above average physiques.

Maybe it will spare us all from this endless parade of morons thinking their unpublished politics fanfic deserves ink space on what is laughably called a “news”paper.

Print media really has no one to blame but themselves for their hole. Same as Republicans. And to all, I say, good riddance to bad rubbish.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Back in black! I hear the sound! We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

*Though given the new definition of literal in the dictionary, I’m wondering if I should start using figurative when I mean literally literal.