Football! Soccer! Let’s Call the Whole Thing- Absolutely Fucking Amazing!
The secret commie mind-control device that is turning every single one of your children gay right now.
Bernie Goldberg, National Old Men Yelling At Clouds:
The Anti-American Pastime*
*Snort* Bwahahaha! And then, with the Bwahahaha! Oh man, my poor sides. One second. Just roll the PFFT-
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
- Hurgle burgle, right-wing tribalism demands I rant about how boring and faggy football is and all the other standard boring cliches, which becomes hilarious after noting just how amazing this world cup has been in general, full of massive scoring displays against great teams and amazing close games, but becomes extra hilarious coming out the day of the historic 7-1 drubbing Germany gave Brazil.
Yeah, let’s talk timing, shall we?
Cause this hasn’t been the first time some dimwitted right-winger has trotted out their standard pre-packaged, paid by the bosses, stock piece and had it rendered obscenely out-of-touch when compared to current events. And it’s never not side-splittingly hilarious.
Every time they try and argue that “everyone” is totally obsessed with the latest right-wing nontroversy or talking point when actual legitimate news is going on or has been going on the last couple of days or try and pimp some right-wing shill as a moral authority at the precise moment he is being dragged into a cop car for stealing money from charities to fuel underage prostitution rings, it’s like they are giving a free gift to every snarkmastress on the planet.
And so it is again here.
But first, the context for the joke:
The Brazil-Germany semifinal match.
If you have not yet watch this match, you really ought to. Even if you don’t much care for soccer. It’s not because there are a lot of goals. It’s not because it’s literally historic in that it is the biggest win in a World Cup semifinal or final ever or the worst defeat Brazil have ever suffered. Ever.
No, it’s because the game was pretty well over at 30 minutes in and yet there was still 60 minutes to play and that gave the ESPN commentators the chance to make some of the darkest funniest jokes at Brazil’s expense I have ever heard in a World Cup Game. Whether it be asking the players to leave the pitch if they weren’t even going to run around the pitch or talking about magical tunnels that teleported players to Topeka so the players wouldn’t be murdered by fans, the commentators put on an hour comedy special at the expense of the once favored nation to win the World Cup. It was quite honestly the best birthday present I’ve had in a great number of years.
And it’s just one more moment in a World Cup that is shaping up to be one of those all-time classics people will be remembering in 20 years time.
And shortly after, ol’ Grumpy Pants McGee decides to hit publish on his me-too attempt to hitch his falling star to Ann Coulter’s equally falling star.
And it’s just as retroactively amazing as you would expect.
I’ve always been a big sports fan, which explains why I have absolutely no interest in soccer.
The standard argument people who have tribally decided they hate the soccer with the balls trot out is that it is “boring”, which is hilarious. Because being the standard herd-like followers they are, those same people tend to only really support the same two sports that are the most popular and not liked by a majority black audience (sorry NBA, less racists for you).
Which would be baseball and rugby with pads. Well, that and golf, but luckily even the most links-licking right-wing asshole on the planet is going to openly try and argue that that Nyquil-replacement is in any way shape or form more exciting than the beautiful game.
And it’s kind of baffling that those two sports are being contrasted with football for “excitement”. I mean, no disrespect to baseball**, but it’s not exactly a sport based around a consistent high-tempo pace of thrills. It’s a cerebral slow game, battles between pitchers and batters with tiny punctuated moments that often are quickly snuffed out. And the NFL is largely the same way. A lot of waiting and commercials and waiting and commercials for a few brief… oh, hey, yet another short run or incomplete pass, yeah, I honestly don’t know why anyone claims this sport is exciting for reasons other than toxic masculinity and inertia.
And it’s that commercials problem that is the rub. Baseball and padded rugby both have frequent breaks justifying the cramming in of more and more advertisements, whereas soccer really doesn’t. Each half is constant action for 45 straight minutes and there’s no place to put in 300 sexist ads about how berating women and buying beer will get your dick sucked by supermodels. Hence why the corporations and the sports networks hate it. Hence why the hacks are paid to hate. Hence why the rubes on the ground repeat the hate to prove their tribal membership. And it definitely piles it on that the sport is international and often dominated by filthy foreign teams, including countries that don’t nearly have as large of a GDP as us and that is all sorts of emasculating for the types who keep checking their penises every five seconds to make sure they haven’t fallen off.
The fact is, I’d rather watch my accountant get his toenails clipped than take in a soccer game —
Hey man, whatever consensual fetish you want to explore with another man, you don’t need to justify it to us. Go get your freak on!
and that includes the World Cup final, which I’m sure will be as scintillating as any other soccer game.
When Ann Coulter did her “hey guys, remember me” a week or so ago, I noted that I didn’t really have anything better to offer than the amazing Amanda Marcotte takedown on the subject.
And the main reason for it was that she hit the nail on the head that this right-wing response to soccer popularity is a performance piece by people trying to prove their tribal bonafides by having what amounts to a passion play on the subject, eagerly trying to top each other in bizarre lies about a fictional idea of the game in order to brag about having the greatest ignorance about the great evil and thus the purest of hearts.
And that’s something that is really central in the Fundie culture that almost all modern right-wing “culture” stems from these days. Often a Megachurch or a Church group will invite some “ex-sinner” who will come in and spin painfully obvious lies about their time as a “demon-worshipper” or a “sodomite” and everyone will applaud and spin their own ghost stories about the great devil, because no one wanted to point out the reality and thus reveal themselves as the “greatest sinner of all” for actually knowing something about the real world and thus closer to all that sin and grime. And that would be the worst, because don’t you remember the one guy talking about all the baby sacrifices and forced gay abortions and you’re one of them, because you know better!
And the whole thing breeds this weird experience for those of us who watch the silly patched ball, because it’s like looking into this bizarre IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION world where this strange horrible golf-like game called “soccer” is played.
In soccer, they spend hours frantically trying to score.
A standard soccer match is 90 minutes long, split into two halves. In special tournaments, this can extend into extra time which means a 120 minute game, plus maybe a very quick spat of penalties. Add to that a 30 minute halftime and we’re talking a usual game length of 2 hours and occasionally a 2 and a half hour game.
So, unless you are using the bare minimum for the concept of “hours”, I think we can safely say you are full of some grade-A methane right there.
So the America freedom manly alternatives to this sissy boring game are actually literally longer to sit through than even the longest soccer matches on the planet.
That’s not sport.
Wait… trying to score more arbitrary numbers than the other team isn’t sport? Um… I hate to break it to you, but you just reduced the entire definition of sport to be golf and… oh, you crafty fuck.
That’s a young guy trying to convince his date that he likes her for her personality. If you could bottle soccer, you’d have a cure for insomnia.
Says the guy who “accidentally” ended up arguing that golf is the only real sport.
But it’s not just because it’s so dull that I don’t like soccer.
Mmm hmm, the extra irony here is that Bernie tries to play it a lot more careful after Ann Coulter ended up becoming a laughingstock because her hit piece on that evil sport that happened to eclipse the World Series and NBA Final in viewership tried to be to specific.
But instead he just ends up sounding like the sad old man at the top of the street ranting about how all the people at the party aren’t really having a good time. I don’t care what you’re saying, I know it’s boring, dag nabbit!
Another reason I don’t like it is because of the Americans who do like it.
By another did you happen to mean “the”.
Yeah, one hilarious thing that’s happened this World Cup is just how obvious it’s become that the whole “soccer is boring” thing is entirely about right-wing vagina-fearers deciding that soccer is “faggy and liberal” and thus something to be hated above all things.
And the best part of that is how it’s turned a silly pastime I watch because of my stated fondness for balls-I mean, the game into a giant amazing microcosm of how conservatives have found themselves in general.
I mean, just like with the inferiority of women, the inherent sinfulness of queers, or the perfidy of the mongrel races, they’ve screamed their “truth” out as loud and intimidatingly as they possibly can, hoping that will silence all those filthy others like it used to. But then, suddenly that’s just not working. That evil vile thing everyone was supposed to stay away from is suddenly popular and all the angry bitter ranting doesn’t seem to affect it in any way and they’re just looking more and more out-of-touch for still trying to argue something that no one is willing to politely nod along to.
And so they are left confused and scared and with no other ideas other than to yell louder.
And the best part of that is that there was no damn reason to try and pick that fight or label this thing as liberal and yet they went and built a whole metaphor out of it. Sports hatred fail.
Most of these sports fans — a term I use with no regard for either word, “sports” or “fans”
I dunno, I don’t think there’s an American fanbase that burns down their rival’s stadiums with the regularity of the Serbian League. But hey, if you want to be dumb enough to pick a fight with the ultras, I’m not going to stop you.
— wouldn’t know a fumble from a first down, a hit-and-run from a double play. But every four years they show up at bars and go wild when the American team ties the Tunisians zero-zero, or nil-nil, as they call it.
A) Have the U.S. and Tunisia even played a game against each other? One sec, I need to google this… Okay, so apparently, the U-23 sides played each other in the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, which gives a strong hint to how old Bernie’s talking points are.
B) Well, maybe, maybe not. Because people who are fans of one thing may or may not know the intricate details of something they are not fans of. That doesn’t exactly make them bad fans, it makes them fans. I.e. people who build up a nerdy obsession with all the information about a thing they love because they love it and want to spend more and more time thinking about it or have grown up with it and thus have lived experience with the history.
C) And honestly, I’m not exactly sure you want to be starting a war of “only the people who know everything about the sports I care about” deserve to be called real
geek girls sports fans, when you are also trying to pose hard about how you think an offside trap is a thing used in duck hunting.
D) Also, Weal Twue Americans seem to really be in denial about the fact that the only reason “their sports” are high scoring are because they inflate each point by 7 or pump the athletes full of steroids and the only reason there are no ties is because we force interminable deadlocked games to go on forever rather than just go “yup, you’re evenly matched, let’s all go home” like any sensible person.***
I’m not much of a fan of Ann Coulter either
Yeah, you just envy the way she was able to revitalize a wingnut welfare career that had stalled by shit-talking the World Cup and hoped that lightning would strike twice for you.
(though she’s infinitely more interesting than soccer), but she’s right when she says that soccer is “excruciatingly boring” and that “the reason there are so many fights among spectators at soccer games is to compensate for the tedium.”
You know what the only thing more boring than the soccer that is played in wingnut imgainations**** has to be the tired repetitions of the word boring when trying to avoid any comment that might secretly reveal a passing familiarity with the sport to the loyal tribal enforcers. No, please Bernie, repeat how “boring” it is. I certainly didn’t get it the first 5000 times you tried to kill time there.
Which brings us to how, for many Americans — almost always liberal elite Americans — soccer isn’t really about soccer so much as it’s about proving the superiority of the young over the old, of liberals over conservatives.
And there’s the blaring sirens of the IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION alarm. Ugh, stupid Projection Drills cutting into my teaching time.
But yesiree, them soccer fans really are all about using the game for some political point instead of just letting their tastes fall naturally where they are and enjoying a game they love. Just proves how evil they are. Damn commie football lovers.
Take Peter Beinart, a liberal journalist and professor of journalism and political science at the City University of New York. Mr. Beinart was with Fareed Zakaria on CNN the other day and had a lot to say about how soccer just might save America — from its narrow-minded, insular self.
Soccer fans in America, he said, show us that “we have a less nativist sports culture and we’re more open — at least some groups in the United States — young people, immigrants, political liberals — are more open to liking the same kinds of things that people in other countries do. Things don’t have to be ours and ours alone.”
You see, young people don’t seem to have the same dumbass nativist hangups as the Klan-wannabes who seem to have our country in a death-lock, so thus are less likely to abandon a totally awesome sport the whole world plays simply because it isn’t an American exclusive that feeds into our notions of American Exceptionalism. And that’s bad, because that means they’ll be less likely to support bombing random brown people and self-defeating nonsense justified only by a strange idea that America is “different” and thus not bound by the laws of time and space. And whoops, I’m just now being told I wasn’t supposed to read that last line. My bad.
Part of the attraction of soccer, Mr. Zakaria says, is that we’re sharing the sport with the rest of the world;
Yes, it is so generous of us to share our sport with the world…
we’re following something the rest of the world is following. Yes, Professor Beinart says, but it’s much more than that. Younger Americans, who like soccer more than older Americans, “are far less likely than older Americans to say that American culture is superior or to say that America is the greatest country in the world.”
Largely because meaningless empty shit like that is completely worthless and a little hard to believe when you’re on the receiving end of an economy built on 3 straight decades of Reaganism as economic policy.
Fuck is it annoying all the ways the previous generations come up with to try and blame the “lack of patriotism” on the young on everything but the fact that they’ve received a right drubbing at the hands of a broken system and have access to a world wide internet that allows their friends in Scandanavia to mock them in real time.*****
In case you were wondering, this is a good thing to Mr. Beinart, and I suspect many other liberals.
Mindless patriotism! Mindless patriotism! Goooooooo team!
And that in a nutshell is why we’ll never be the greatest country in the world.
Because we still treat global politics like a fucking game and we’re trying to make sure our “team” wins instead of doing what’s best for ourselves and the world.
Because “it reflects a more cosmopolitan temperament, more of a recognition that America has things to learn from the rest of the world, and that in fact maybe we have to learn from the rest of the world if we’re going to remain a successful country.”
I mean, we could actually do the hard work of ensuring that supposed greatness or we could slip ever further into mediocrity because we’re unwilling to evolve or change with the times and get ahead on growth industries. Hmm, the former choice seems like a-
Oh, wait, I forgot about denial. Yeah, fuck that first choice, it sounds like a bunch of hard work that could be better spent watching grown men hump each other to the ground.
After taking that in, Mr. Zakaria observes that soccer fans in the United States look a lot like the Obama coalition. To which Beinart replied: “That’s exactly right, and if you look at the states where soccer is most popular, they’re overwhelmingly blue states and the states where soccer is least popular are red states.”
You see: Soccer is much more than a game that puts people like me to sleep. It’s a bunch of guys running up and down a “pitch” in short pants teaching us an important lesson — a lesson about how the tide is turning, about how the same people who embrace soccer embrace the idea that despite all the talk from those old right-wingers, America isn’t so special after all.
Or it’s just a fucking football game. If Germany win this World Cup this Sunday, it won’t undo the end of World War II or mark the beginning of a dominant age for German politics. It’ll mean Germany’s 11 best sports players were better than Argentina’s 11 best sports players.
Or as Peter Beinart explains it: “Younger people are far more likely than older people to say they like the United Nations.
Because they realize that clinging to an Apocalypse cult of Rapturists and their hatreds seems rather stupid after the first 9000 fake “ends of the worlds” and they aren’t old enough and suicidal enough to think that it’s a great idea to hope that they’ll die before the world gives up the ghost and leaves us to rot in our stupidity.
There’s a willingness to accept the idea that America is one of many nations. Yes, we have a special affinity for it. But it doesn’t mean in some objective sense [that] us, and everything we do are necessarily better.”
So there you have it. He grants us that as Americans we might have “a special affinity” for our homeland, but thanks to soccer we can learn a lot from the rest of the world. We can learn that we’re not as great as we think we are — or, more precisely, that we’re not as great as old, conservative, red-state Americans think we are.
It’s rather amazing that conservatives have somehow cornered the market on being the “patriotic” ones who “love this country” simply because they are the most likely to purchase tacky shirts with flags on them despite constantly threatening succession whenever they don’t get their way.
I guess soccer is going to be blamed when that bullshit comes to an end soon because of younger eyes realizing it’s fucking stupid.
Turns out that soccer is teaching me a lot more about elite, liberal intellectuals than it’ll ever teach me about the rest of the world.
They really do look like the strawmen in my head! At least they do as long as I keep closing my eyes and clasping my hands over my ears like a good tribesman.
In fact, soccer has already taught me that smug, liberal elites are the single biggest reason I have no use for soccer,
Bet you a 1000-1 that he’s the same type of person who thinks that someone deciding they don’t like rugby with pads because of the toxic masculinity and weird politics that surrounds it is complete bullshit and an unfair dismissal of the game by dumb bitches who don’t get it.
and that Ann Coulter isn’t crazy when she says, “Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.”
If moral decay means more performances like that semifinal or Costa Rica’s epic run…?
Then, let’s throw out the moral toothpaste and do this thing!
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Welcome to Sadly, Football. The best in soccer soccer soccer WORLD CUP! WOOOO! We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*I knew there was a reason I love this sport, comrades. Death to America!
**”Didn’t you mean to mention two sports there?” No. No I didn’t.
***That being said, I dread having to explain the away goal rule or the logistics of qualifying for the EURO Cup in most big European leagues.
****Each half lasts a full 24 hours and is played by particularly lethargic snails who may or may not have been dead by the time of the opening whistle.
*****I’ve had a fun resurgence this month of that crap with my family deciding my breakup was a great excuse to pull out the big gaslighting guns and try and freak me out with economic desperation so that I’ll be desperate and “grateful” for whatever they will offer and thus gladly accept renouncing my filthy trans* delusions and becoming a proper straight man again. I’m slightly less than pleased by their decision and somewhat baffled that they think their strategy of constantly calling me a failure and posing to each other about how awesome and not at all bigoted they are while I’m recovering from what might as well be a divorce would be one that would make me more inclined to put up with their shit instead of less. Fun, fun, fun.