Football! Soccer! Let’s Call the Whole Thing- Absolutely Fucking Amazing!

The secret commie mind-control device that is turning every single one of your children gay right now.

Bernie Goldberg, National Old Men Yelling At Clouds:
The Anti-American Pastime*

Bwahahahahaha!

*Snort* Bwahahaha! And then, with the Bwahahaha! Oh man, my poor sides. One second. Just roll the PFFT-

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • Hurgle burgle, right-wing tribalism demands I rant about how boring and faggy football is and all the other standard boring cliches, which becomes hilarious after noting just how amazing this world cup has been in general, full of massive scoring displays against great teams and amazing close games, but becomes extra hilarious coming out the day of the historic 7-1 drubbing Germany gave Brazil.

Yeah, let’s talk timing, shall we?

Cause this hasn’t been the first time some dimwitted right-winger has trotted out their standard pre-packaged, paid by the bosses, stock piece and had it rendered obscenely out-of-touch when compared to current events. And it’s never not side-splittingly hilarious.

Every time they try and argue that “everyone” is totally obsessed with the latest right-wing nontroversy or talking point when actual legitimate news is going on or has been going on the last couple of days or try and pimp some right-wing shill as a moral authority at the precise moment he is being dragged into a cop car for stealing money from charities to fuel underage prostitution rings, it’s like they are giving a free gift to every snarkmastress on the planet.

And so it is again here.

But first, the context for the joke:

The Brazil-Germany semifinal match.

If you have not yet watch this match, you really ought to. Even if you don’t much care for soccer. It’s not because there are a lot of goals. It’s not because it’s literally historic in that it is the biggest win in a World Cup semifinal or final ever or the worst defeat Brazil have ever suffered. Ever.

No, it’s because the game was pretty well over at 30 minutes in and yet there was still 60 minutes to play and that gave the ESPN commentators the chance to make some of the darkest funniest jokes at Brazil’s expense I have ever heard in a World Cup Game. Whether it be asking the players to leave the pitch if they weren’t even going to run around the pitch or talking about magical tunnels that teleported players to Topeka so the players wouldn’t be murdered by fans, the commentators put on an hour comedy special at the expense of the once favored nation to win the World Cup. It was quite honestly the best birthday present I’ve had in a great number of years.

And it’s just one more moment in a World Cup that is shaping up to be one of those all-time classics people will be remembering in 20 years time.

And shortly after, ol’ Grumpy Pants McGee decides to hit publish on his me-too attempt to hitch his falling star to Ann Coulter’s equally falling star.

And it’s just as retroactively amazing as you would expect.

I’ve always been a big sports fan, which explains why I have absolutely no interest in soccer.

The standard argument people who have tribally decided they hate the soccer with the balls trot out is that it is “boring”, which is hilarious. Because being the standard herd-like followers they are, those same people tend to only really support the same two sports that are the most popular and not liked by a majority black audience (sorry NBA, less racists for you).

Which would be baseball and rugby with pads. Well, that and golf, but luckily even the most links-licking right-wing asshole on the planet is going to openly try and argue that that Nyquil-replacement is in any way shape or form more exciting than the beautiful game.

And it’s kind of baffling that those two sports are being contrasted with football for “excitement”. I mean, no disrespect to baseball**, but it’s not exactly a sport based around a consistent high-tempo pace of thrills. It’s a cerebral slow game, battles between pitchers and batters with tiny punctuated moments that often are quickly snuffed out. And the NFL is largely the same way. A lot of waiting and commercials and waiting and commercials for a few brief… oh, hey, yet another short run or incomplete pass, yeah, I honestly don’t know why anyone claims this sport is exciting for reasons other than toxic masculinity and inertia.

And it’s that commercials problem that is the rub. Baseball and padded rugby both have frequent breaks justifying the cramming in of more and more advertisements, whereas soccer really doesn’t. Each half is constant action for 45 straight minutes and there’s no place to put in 300 sexist ads about how berating women and buying beer will get your dick sucked by supermodels. Hence why the corporations and the sports networks hate it. Hence why the hacks are paid to hate. Hence why the rubes on the ground repeat the hate to prove their tribal membership. And it definitely piles it on that the sport is international and often dominated by filthy foreign teams, including countries that don’t nearly have as large of a GDP as us and that is all sorts of emasculating for the types who keep checking their penises every five seconds to make sure they haven’t fallen off.

The fact is, I’d rather watch my accountant get his toenails clipped than take in a soccer game —

Hey man, whatever consensual fetish you want to explore with another man, you don’t need to justify it to us. Go get your freak on!

and that includes the World Cup final, which I’m sure will be as scintillating as any other soccer game.

Heh.

When Ann Coulter did her “hey guys, remember me” a week or so ago, I noted that I didn’t really have anything better to offer than the amazing Amanda Marcotte takedown on the subject.

And the main reason for it was that she hit the nail on the head that this right-wing response to soccer popularity is a performance piece by people trying to prove their tribal bonafides by having what amounts to a passion play on the subject, eagerly trying to top each other in bizarre lies about a fictional idea of the game in order to brag about having the greatest ignorance about the great evil and thus the purest of hearts.

And that’s something that is really central in the Fundie culture that almost all modern right-wing “culture” stems from these days. Often a Megachurch or a Church group will invite some “ex-sinner” who will come in and spin painfully obvious lies about their time as a “demon-worshipper” or a “sodomite” and everyone will applaud and spin their own ghost stories about the great devil, because no one wanted to point out the reality and thus reveal themselves as the “greatest sinner of all” for actually knowing something about the real world and thus closer to all that sin and grime. And that would be the worst, because don’t you remember the one guy talking about all the baby sacrifices and forced gay abortions and you’re one of them, because you know better!

And the whole thing breeds this weird experience for those of us who watch the silly patched ball, because it’s like looking into this bizarre IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION world where this strange horrible golf-like game called “soccer” is played.

In soccer, they spend hours frantically trying to score.

A standard soccer match is 90 minutes long, split into two halves. In special tournaments, this can extend into extra time which means a 120 minute game, plus maybe a very quick spat of penalties. Add to that a 30 minute halftime and we’re talking a usual game length of 2 hours and occasionally a 2 and a half hour game.

So, unless you are using the bare minimum for the concept of “hours”, I think we can safely say you are full of some grade-A methane right there.

Oh, some hilarious more hilarious context? An average NFL game takes over 3 hours. An average baseball game also takes about 3 hours. And that’s for the average.

So the America freedom manly alternatives to this sissy boring game are actually literally longer to sit through than even the longest soccer matches on the planet.

That’s not sport.

Wait… trying to score more arbitrary numbers than the other team isn’t sport? Um… I hate to break it to you, but you just reduced the entire definition of sport to be golf and… oh, you crafty fuck.

That’s a young guy trying to convince his date that he likes her for her personality. If you could bottle soccer, you’d have a cure for insomnia.

Says the guy who “accidentally” ended up arguing that golf is the only real sport.

But it’s not just because it’s so dull that I don’t like soccer.

Mmm hmm, the extra irony here is that Bernie tries to play it a lot more careful after Ann Coulter ended up becoming a laughingstock because her hit piece on that evil sport that happened to eclipse the World Series and NBA Final in viewership tried to be to specific.

But instead he just ends up sounding like the sad old man at the top of the street ranting about how all the people at the party aren’t really having a good time. I don’t care what you’re saying, I know it’s boring, dag nabbit!

Another reason I don’t like it is because of the Americans who do like it.

By another did you happen to mean “the”.

Yeah, one hilarious thing that’s happened this World Cup is just how obvious it’s become that the whole “soccer is boring” thing is entirely about right-wing vagina-fearers deciding that soccer is “faggy and liberal” and thus something to be hated above all things.

And the best part of that is how it’s turned a silly pastime I watch because of my stated fondness for balls-I mean, the game into a giant amazing microcosm of how conservatives have found themselves in general.

I mean, just like with the inferiority of women, the inherent sinfulness of queers, or the perfidy of the mongrel races, they’ve screamed their “truth” out as loud and intimidatingly as they possibly can, hoping that will silence all those filthy others like it used to. But then, suddenly that’s just not working. That evil vile thing everyone was supposed to stay away from is suddenly popular and all the angry bitter ranting doesn’t seem to affect it in any way and they’re just looking more and more out-of-touch for still trying to argue something that no one is willing to politely nod along to.

And so they are left confused and scared and with no other ideas other than to yell louder.

And the best part of that is that there was no damn reason to try and pick that fight or label this thing as liberal and yet they went and built a whole metaphor out of it. Sports hatred fail.

Most of these sports fans — a term I use with no regard for either word, “sports” or “fans”

I dunno, I don’t think there’s an American fanbase that burns down their rival’s stadiums with the regularity of the Serbian League. But hey, if you want to be dumb enough to pick a fight with the ultras, I’m not going to stop you.

— wouldn’t know a fumble from a first down, a hit-and-run from a double play. But every four years they show up at bars and go wild when the American team ties the Tunisians zero-zero, or nil-nil, as they call it.

A) Have the U.S. and Tunisia even played a game against each other? One sec, I need to google this… Okay, so apparently, the U-23 sides played each other in the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, which gives a strong hint to how old Bernie’s talking points are.

B) Well, maybe, maybe not. Because people who are fans of one thing may or may not know the intricate details of something they are not fans of. That doesn’t exactly make them bad fans, it makes them fans. I.e. people who build up a nerdy obsession with all the information about a thing they love because they love it and want to spend more and more time thinking about it or have grown up with it and thus have lived experience with the history.

C) And honestly, I’m not exactly sure you want to be starting a war of “only the people who know everything about the sports I care about” deserve to be called real geek girls sports fans, when you are also trying to pose hard about how you think an offside trap is a thing used in duck hunting.

D) Also, Weal Twue Americans seem to really be in denial about the fact that the only reason “their sports” are high scoring are because they inflate each point by 7 or pump the athletes full of steroids and the only reason there are no ties is because we force interminable deadlocked games to go on forever rather than just go “yup, you’re evenly matched, let’s all go home” like any sensible person.***

I’m not much of a fan of Ann Coulter either

Yeah, you just envy the way she was able to revitalize a wingnut welfare career that had stalled by shit-talking the World Cup and hoped that lightning would strike twice for you.

(though she’s infinitely more interesting than soccer), but she’s right when she says that soccer is “excruciatingly boring” and that “the reason there are so many fights among spectators at soccer games is to compensate for the tedium.”

You know what the only thing more boring than the soccer that is played in wingnut imgainations**** has to be the tired repetitions of the word boring when trying to avoid any comment that might secretly reveal a passing familiarity with the sport to the loyal tribal enforcers. No, please Bernie, repeat how “boring” it is. I certainly didn’t get it the first 5000 times you tried to kill time there.

Which brings us to how, for many Americans — almost always liberal elite Americans — soccer isn’t really about soccer so much as it’s about proving the superiority of the young over the old, of liberals over conservatives.

And there’s the blaring sirens of the IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION alarm. Ugh, stupid Projection Drills cutting into my teaching time.

But yesiree, them soccer fans really are all about using the game for some political point instead of just letting their tastes fall naturally where they are and enjoying a game they love. Just proves how evil they are. Damn commie football lovers.

Take Peter Beinart, a liberal journalist and professor of journalism and political science at the City University of New York. Mr. Beinart was with Fareed Zakaria on CNN the other day and had a lot to say about how soccer just might save America — from its narrow-minded, insular self.

Soccer fans in America, he said, show us that “we have a less nativist sports culture and we’re more open — at least some groups in the United States — young people, immigrants, political liberals — are more open to liking the same kinds of things that people in other countries do. Things don’t have to be ours and ours alone.”

You see, young people don’t seem to have the same dumbass nativist hangups as the Klan-wannabes who seem to have our country in a death-lock, so thus are less likely to abandon a totally awesome sport the whole world plays simply because it isn’t an American exclusive that feeds into our notions of American Exceptionalism. And that’s bad, because that means they’ll be less likely to support bombing random brown people and self-defeating nonsense justified only by a strange idea that America is “different” and thus not bound by the laws of time and space. And whoops, I’m just now being told I wasn’t supposed to read that last line. My bad.

Part of the attraction of soccer, Mr. Zakaria says, is that we’re sharing the sport with the rest of the world;

Yes, it is so generous of us to share our sport with the world…

we’re following something the rest of the world is following. Yes, Professor Beinart says, but it’s much more than that. Younger Americans, who like soccer more than older Americans, “are far less likely than older Americans to say that American culture is superior or to say that America is the greatest country in the world.”

Largely because meaningless empty shit like that is completely worthless and a little hard to believe when you’re on the receiving end of an economy built on 3 straight decades of Reaganism as economic policy.

Fuck is it annoying all the ways the previous generations come up with to try and blame the “lack of patriotism” on the young on everything but the fact that they’ve received a right drubbing at the hands of a broken system and have access to a world wide internet that allows their friends in Scandanavia to mock them in real time.*****

In case you were wondering, this is a good thing to Mr. Beinart, and I suspect many other liberals.

Mindless patriotism! Mindless patriotism! Goooooooo team!

And that in a nutshell is why we’ll never be the greatest country in the world.

Because we still treat global politics like a fucking game and we’re trying to make sure our “team” wins instead of doing what’s best for ourselves and the world.

Because “it reflects a more cosmopolitan temperament, more of a recognition that America has things to learn from the rest of the world, and that in fact maybe we have to learn from the rest of the world if we’re going to remain a successful country.”

I mean, we could actually do the hard work of ensuring that supposed greatness or we could slip ever further into mediocrity because we’re unwilling to evolve or change with the times and get ahead on growth industries. Hmm, the former choice seems like a-

Oh, wait, I forgot about denial. Yeah, fuck that first choice, it sounds like a bunch of hard work that could be better spent watching grown men hump each other to the ground.

After taking that in, Mr. Zakaria observes that soccer fans in the United States look a lot like the Obama coalition. To which Beinart replied: “That’s exactly right, and if you look at the states where soccer is most popular, they’re overwhelmingly blue states and the states where soccer is least popular are red states.”

You see: Soccer is much more than a game that puts people like me to sleep. It’s a bunch of guys running up and down a “pitch” in short pants teaching us an important lesson — a lesson about how the tide is turning, about how the same people who embrace soccer embrace the idea that despite all the talk from those old right-wingers, America isn’t so special after all.

Or it’s just a fucking football game. If Germany win this World Cup this Sunday, it won’t undo the end of World War II or mark the beginning of a dominant age for German politics. It’ll mean Germany’s 11 best sports players were better than Argentina’s 11 best sports players.

Or as Peter Beinart explains it: “Younger people are far more likely than older people to say they like the United Nations.

Because they realize that clinging to an Apocalypse cult of Rapturists and their hatreds seems rather stupid after the first 9000 fake “ends of the worlds” and they aren’t old enough and suicidal enough to think that it’s a great idea to hope that they’ll die before the world gives up the ghost and leaves us to rot in our stupidity.

There’s a willingness to accept the idea that America is one of many nations. Yes, we have a special affinity for it. But it doesn’t mean in some objective sense [that] us, and everything we do are necessarily better.”

So there you have it. He grants us that as Americans we might have “a special affinity” for our homeland, but thanks to soccer we can learn a lot from the rest of the world. We can learn that we’re not as great as we think we are — or, more precisely, that we’re not as great as old, conservative, red-state Americans think we are.

It’s rather amazing that conservatives have somehow cornered the market on being the “patriotic” ones who “love this country” simply because they are the most likely to purchase tacky shirts with flags on them despite constantly threatening succession whenever they don’t get their way.

I guess soccer is going to be blamed when that bullshit comes to an end soon because of younger eyes realizing it’s fucking stupid.

Turns out that soccer is teaching me a lot more about elite, liberal intellectuals than it’ll ever teach me about the rest of the world.

They really do look like the strawmen in my head! At least they do as long as I keep closing my eyes and clasping my hands over my ears like a good tribesman.

In fact, soccer has already taught me that smug, liberal elites are the single biggest reason I have no use for soccer,

Bet you a 1000-1 that he’s the same type of person who thinks that someone deciding they don’t like rugby with pads because of the toxic masculinity and weird politics that surrounds it is complete bullshit and an unfair dismissal of the game by dumb bitches who don’t get it.

and that Ann Coulter isn’t crazy when she says, “Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.”

If moral decay means more performances like that semifinal or Costa Rica’s epic run…?

Then, let’s throw out the moral toothpaste and do this thing!


‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Welcome to Sadly, Football. The best in soccer soccer soccer WORLD CUP! WOOOO! We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

*I knew there was a reason I love this sport, comrades. Death to America!

**”Didn’t you mean to mention two sports there?” No. No I didn’t.

***That being said, I dread having to explain the away goal rule or the logistics of qualifying for the EURO Cup in most big European leagues.

****Each half lasts a full 24 hours and is played by particularly lethargic snails who may or may not have been dead by the time of the opening whistle.

*****I’ve had a fun resurgence this month of that crap with my family deciding my breakup was a great excuse to pull out the big gaslighting guns and try and freak me out with economic desperation so that I’ll be desperate and “grateful” for whatever they will offer and thus gladly accept renouncing my filthy trans* delusions and becoming a proper straight man again. I’m slightly less than pleased by their decision and somewhat baffled that they think their strategy of constantly calling me a failure and posing to each other about how awesome and not at all bigoted they are while I’m recovering from what might as well be a divorce would be one that would make me more inclined to put up with their shit instead of less. Fun, fun, fun.

 

Comments: 278

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If I found myself limiting my life and turning away from a potential source of entertainment for no better reason than because some of the people already enjoying it had different electoral preferences, I like to think that I would have more sense than to parade my stupidity as if it were a badge of honour. “I hate those liberals so much, I allow them to dictate what I’m allowed to enjoy.” OK, dude.

 
 

Most of these sports fans… wouldn’t know a fumble from a first down

Ah. So he refuses to learn anything about soccer* because its fans are narrow-minded tribalist h8rs, as shown by their refusal to learn about his preferred games.

* Properly known as foopball, as any fule kno.

 
 

Wow. I don’t even like soccer sports and this guy sounds like an idiot.

 
 

The fact is, i am glad the Mr. Goldburg has exposedthe liberal and anti american bias in the media so that we can take our country back

 
 

they think their strategy of constantly calling me a failure and posing to each other about how awesome and not at all bigoted they are while I’m recovering from what might as well be a divorce would be one that would make me more inclined to put up with their shit instead of less.

I’m reminded of the moment in Ty Templeton’s retelling of the Legion of Substitute Heroes’ origin when Ral Benem’s parents say point-blank, “Maybe if we belittle and ridicule you enough, you’ll be inspired to make something of yourself, young man!”

 
 

American Exceptionalism is a crock. America is exceptional only insofar as it’s current power and prosperity insulate it from the consequences of its actions. You might as well speak of British exceptionalism in 1900 or Roman exceptionalism in 20 BCE. Empires are expensive propositions and unless we really are exceptional, when our empire collapses under its own weight or from external pressures, we will be lucky to escape with our democracy more or less intact. When the rivers of cash that flow to America because of Wall Street, start flowing to a different country, maybe China, maybe Brazil, all of the pillars that support our economy will sag and crumble. In a century or two, tourists from wherever the new center of the civilized world is will travel to the charmingly flooded streets of New York to admire its faded grandeur and laugh at the backward customs of the picturesque locals. For them it will be like visiting Venice, but without needing SCUBA gear.

 
 

Wow. I don’t even like soccer sports and this guy sounds like an idiot.

I don’t like soccer either. But I hate people who have such a fucking problem with it.

Let’s define sport: Head to head athletic competition.

Not sports: Golf, bowling, car racing
Sports: Soccer, basketball, football, tennis, etc.

The fact that something isn’t a sport doesn’t mean it’s not entertaining, and soccer has not a gotdam thing to do with communism or socialism or any other governmental ideology. It’s another organized crime ring that provides entertainment.

 
 

Another foot-bullet, thanks to some of our puffy friends on the right(and they’re Gods’ children too, amirite)?:

The millions of dollars being spent in televisions ads that criticize Obamacare might have actually backfired and led to increased enrollment under the health care reform law, according to a study published Wednesday by the Brookings Institution.

Brookings fellow Niam Yaraghi observed “a positive association between the anti-ACA spending and ACA enrollment.” Spending on negative Obamacare ads has outpaced spending on positive ads 15 to 1, according to media research. In Senate races where Democrats are running for re-election, which have been the major targets for anti-Obamacare ads, Yaraghi detected a spike in enrollment.

“This implies that anti-ACA ads may unintentionally increase the public awareness about the existence of a governmentally subsidized service and its benefits for the uninsured,” Yaraghi wrote of his findings.

The results weren’t perfectly clear-cut. In states where it’s a Republican defending their Senate seat, negative ads did seem to lead to a reduction in enrollment, according to Yaraghi. But anti-Obamacare ad spending has been heavier in general in states with a Democratic incumbent.

The Brookings analysis accounted only for the 8 million people who enrolled in private coverage under Obamacare, although Yaraghi said he also controlled for other state factors like low-income population and average insurance premiums.

Aside from general increased awareness, Yaraghi had an interesting alternative or secondary theory for the phenomenon he observed:

On the other hand, an individual’s prediction about the chances of repealing the ACA may be associated with the volume of advertisements against it. In the states where more anti-ACA ads are aired, residents were on average more likely to believe that Congress will repeal the ACA in the near future. People who believe that subsidized health insurance may soon disappear could have a greater willingness to take advantage of this one time opportunity.

 
 

I just find this Soccer hate so puzzling – the people he is trying to bash as unamerican were watching the games dressed as american flags yelling USA USA over and over again – you’d think they would be all over this – usually they like mindless displays like that. While I like soccer I do sometimes find the tribalism it can engender somewhat off putting.

 
 

Because “it reflects a more cosmopolitan temperament, more of a recognition that America has things to learn from the rest of the world, and that in fact maybe we have to learn from the rest of the world if we’re going to remain a successful country.”

by all means, sirrah! why would one want to learn?!

 
 

America is exceptional only insofar as it’s current power and prosperity insulate it from the consequences of its actions.

And a belief in American exceptionalism cannot flourish without the insulation provided by that power and prosperity.

It’s akin to our idea of “defense.” A non-ally/client state that engaged in anything like American “defensive” military or intelligence activity would be defined as a rogue, an aggressor. Only American citizens have the luxury of not understanding. Anyone else would have been disabused by consequences.

The mindset is alien to me. I can’t believe Goldberg buys what he’s peddling, but sincerity doesn’t matter. We’re all supposed to affirm a bunch of nonsense as a condition of good standing. The kabuki actually retards our understanding of what’s good about American culture and institutions. We can’t get to that discussion, because there is never a point where it’s OK to proceed to it — there’s no end to the empty pieties.

 
 

I’ve really enjoyed the World Cup. It’s fun to watch the other countries and races going head to head.

And American Exceptionalism is pretty much limited to diabetes and stupidity.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

He doesn’t remember all of the verbiage spewed about the political importance of soccer moms a few years back? They just chucked it all down the memory hole.

The symbol of the GOP should be a mayfly, not an elephant.

 
 

The fact is, you all hate USA and want our downfall. We are the freeest country ever in history and we are powerful, only when commies and haters try to sap our freedom strength do you joy in destruction of our freedoms, which you love because you are gay.

 
Gun-lickers, Oldfarts & Plutocrats
 

In fact, soccer has already taught me that smug, liberal elites are the single biggest reason I have no use for soccer,

In fact, history has already taught me that bigoted, Bible-thumpin’, gun-lickin’, war-cheerin’, fetus-fetishin’, science-denyin’ shitheads are the single biggest reason I have no use for the GOP and its millions of rubes.

And if these dickwads hate The Beautiful Game,well, that just proves once again confirms my bias against them.

Go Argentina!

 
 

Alan Partridge:
“Eat my goal!”
“That was liquid football!”
“Shit! Did you see that?!?”

 
 

I’ve always been a big modern history fan, which explains why I have no interest in World War One.

 
 

‘freedom strength’…heh…

 
 

And then there is that all-American sport ice hockey, which can’t even be played outdoors in about 40 states.

 
 

And American Exceptionalism is pretty much limited to diabetes and stupidity.

Diabetes, yes. But America does not have a monopoly on stupid. Not even close.

It’s not uncommon for soccer fans in Europe to throw bananas and hurl racist insults at non-white players. Their sports riots make ours look like a mosh pit at a One Direction concert.

 
 

Cerberus, my wife and I both had the same thought upon reading “my family deciding my breakup was a great excuse to pull out the big gaslighting guns”, which was that you might benefit from hanging out at Making Light, specifically at their series of Dysfunctional Families discussions:
http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/015853.html
Come by and see if the Neilsen Haydens and their Fluorospherians can’t help you feel better.

 
 

And what do I get? A one-way ticket to Palookaville?

 
 

Stupid only matters if the stupid people meddle, and we Americans do.

I don’t really care of some guy who minds his own business is dumb as a post and believes a bunch of superstitious nonsense. There’s only so much he does off in the jungle or the tundra that could affect me.

 
 

One key reason why the conservative chuckleheads hate soccer is that the U.S. is neither so bad that the chuckleheads can discount the sport or so good that the U.S. usually win. Despite their worship of fair competition, they actually hate it.
And the young/old divide is simple enough to explain. Since Pele’s missionary trip with the New York Cosmos in the 1970s, people in the United States have been playing soccer as kids. So they develop into fans even if they have less opportunity to watch the sport professionally in the U.S. And with more foreign programs (yikes!) from BBC America to the Spanish language channels to ESPN n, there’s just more opportunity to watch the high-skilled games.

 
 

Let’s define sport: Head to head athletic competition.

Not sports: Golf, bowling, car racing

Hey now! I have the heart-rate monitor chart somewhere of me doing a 15 minute stint on track. Bottom line: it’s really fucking athletic. I dare anybody to try it and say otherwise. Mythbusters even did an episode about how much weight you lose due to exertion/sweating while racing. Spoiler: a lot.

But otherwise, I’m with ya. Golf is a great way to ruin a nice walk. Bowling is a way to make your arm look like you masturbate constantly.

 
 

The thing about soccer is that it’s a sport that poor kids can play. Unlike, say, polo or tennis or golf, all you really need is a ball. Hence all the brown nations at the World Cup.
Here in SA, our national team, – which is terrible BTW – they didn’t even get past the Africa qualifiers – is entirely black. Soccer was their sport when the country was us and them; ours was rugby and cricket – and these splits remain obvious.

 
 

Bowling is a way to make your arm look like you masturbate constantly.

And vice versa, it follows.

Last time I drove to an alley I was turned away on account of a tournament.

 
 

The thing about soccer is that it’s a sport that poor kids can play. Unlike, say, polo or tennis or golf, all you really need is a ball. Hence all the brown nations at the World Cup.

well, you pretty much nailed it right there, suez…THAT is what drives the h8ters…

 
 

“So much for that,” I said to myself. “Might as well go bowling.”

 
 

I’ll remember all these rantings about the importance and primacy of Ahmurica and Ahmurican things when Bernie Goldberg and his Fox crew are explaining that it’s really a great thing for American CEOs to fatten themselves by sending jobs overseas and depressing wages here at home because really it’s a global economy now.

‘Cause they sure as hell won’t remember.

 
 

“So much for that,” I said to myself. “Might as well go bowling.”

“What are you doing in the bathroom that’s taking so long?”

“Oh, nothing, just getting ready to go bowling.”

Also, too: there should be a “polishing the ball” joke in here somewhere, but I can’t find it. Somebody probably left it in the sock drawer.

 
 

I have the heart-rate monitor chart somewhere of me doing a 15 minute stint on track.

Update: I found it, and I lied — it was only 13 minutes. Average heart rate: 157. Max HR 169. And keep in mind that I’m in distance runner shape.

 
 

Something something seven-ten split.

OK I got nothin’

 
 

Hey now! I have the heart-rate monitor chart somewhere of me doing a 15 minute stint on track. Bottom line: it’s really fucking athletic. I dare anybody to try it and say otherwise. Mythbusters even did an episode about how much weight you lose due to exertion/sweating while racing. Spoiler: a lot.

Ok. Fair enough.

 
 

Golf is a great way to ruin a nice walk

In defense of golf, HAHA I GOT NOTHING LOL.

No, actually, playing golf with a few friends and having some drinks or a little smoke makes for a pretty awesome day. That’s what golf is. A game you can play with your friends. Like Monopoly, only outside and you need some skill.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Bowling is a way to make your arm look like you masturbate constantly.

Is it because you need to lube your fingers to fit them in the holes in the ball?

 
 

Bowling is a way to make your arm look like you masturbate constantly.

Um, yeah, that’s it.

I bowl……..a lot.

 
 

That’s what golf is. A game you can play with your friends. Like Monopoly, only outside and you need some skill.

golf is a deadly game! well, maybe not deadly, but highly injurious…the last time i golfed, i was in traction for 10 days and then had back surgery…

 
 

but i agree on the drinking and smoking part of it…

 
 

That’s what golf is. A game you can play with your friends. Like Monopoly, only outside and you need some skill.

Yeah, I definitely think of golf, bowling, billiards, etc., as games, not sports.

And I’ve had very enjoyable sunny days on the occasional Par 3 course in my time. Beer definitely helps.

 
 

I’m not a huge soccer fan, but I am a sports fan. So whenever I get a chance to see the best in the world perform I try to catch as many games as I can. I have taken the time to try to understand many sports that are not part of my native culture. I enjoy watching rugby on occasion, hurling, Australian football and I’m not sure I’ll ever get a grasp on cricket, but I’ve watched a few matches. Besides, it’s good to expand your horizons. If I’d never watched soccer I would have completely missed out on the humor behind this little clip.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3H2I3CuZxnE

 
 

The thing about soccer is that it’s a sport that poor kids can play. Unlike, say, polo or tennis or golf, all you really need is a ball. Hence all the brown nations at the World Cup.

It used to be pretty much the same for basketball, but I’m given to understand that nowadays you also need a pair of $500+ shoes to play properly.

 
 

I’m not a sports fan, but there’s only one thing that bothers me. I dislike when people (mostly other men) assume that I watch sports, or worse yet, when they imply that not liking sports is strange or unmanly or whatever.

It’s perfectly OK if some random dude says “how about that game?” but the macho conformist types can bite me. I don’t look down on their pastime.

 
 

I don’t look down on their pastime.

It’s almost like you’re implying that being a snob is bad…?

But srsly, my standard answer to “how ’bout that game?” is “Yeah. The team sure did the thing with the points.” Pretty much covers every situation.

 
 

golf is a deadly game! well, maybe not deadly, but highly injurious…the last time i golfed, i was in traction for 10 days and then had back surgery…

Were you trying to golf on a freeway? What happened?

 
 

And I’ve had very enjoyable sunny days on the occasional Par 3 course in my time. Beer definitely helps.

Try to think of golf like playing pool with your buddies. As long as you don’t have one of those hyper-competitive pricks or somebody that’s all bent on the fucking stupid traditional etiquette, it’s a blast.

Also remember that it’s a difficult game to learn, so don’t expect to play well ever–unless you can afford to go play a couple of times a week for a few years. Very comparable to learning guitar.

 
 

And I’ve had very enjoyable sunny days on the occasional Par 3 course in my time. Beer definitely helps.

I got a hole-in-one on a par three course once. Now I’ve accomplished that so I don’t need to play golf anymore. Of course my score card on the day read something like… 5, 7, 6, 8, 1, 6, 7, 5, 6. Usually I just tell people that I already have enough frustration in my life so I don’t need to play golf.

 
 

I’ve played golf a few times and realized that I could never put enough time into the game to become proficient at it.

 
 

Unless you bowl telekinetically, it is a physical & competitive activity.

 
 

It’s amazing that someone with the hand-eye coordination that I have sucks as much at bowling as I do.

 
 

the only reason there are no ties is because we force interminable deadlocked games to go on forever rather than just go “yup, you’re evenly matched, let’s all go home” like any sensible person.***

As I mentioned earlier, I follow Australian football. In 2010 the Grand Final ended in a tie. The horn sounded and the game was over. No overtime. The two teams had to come back one week later and play a complete new game to decide the champion. Actually, that should appeal to the capitalists, because the 100,000 fans also had to come back the next week.

 
 

I like the referees in Australian football.

 
 

I like the referees in Australian football.

Umpires actually, and you have to say it with that funny accent. Also, they don’t wear those stylish white coats and hats anymore.

 
 

Just got back from a special 30th (!!) anniversary screening of Stop Making Sense.

What a palate cleanser.

 
 

And there’s the blaring sirens of the IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION alarm. Ugh, stupid Projection Drills cutting into my teaching time.

The inside of a conservative’s head when deciding what to think about soccer:

1) “Soccer is a game for spics and Eurotrash. Real Americans watch football.”
2) “Wait, there are a few AMERICANS who like soccer? Not, you know, These People in the inner cities parading around with their probably fake voter IDs and probably fake citizenship papers, but actual white middle and upper class suburban Americans? Better than they like baseball and football?”
3) “How can that be?”
4) “Well, it can’t be because they like that sport better than the other ones. Because, that’s not possible, objectively.”
5) “You know what it is? I bet they’re doing it just to spite us. They’re just too GOOD to hang out with the rest of us watching Real Sports. They’d rather watch Spic/Eurotrash entertainment and feel better than us.”
6) “Yes, that’s EXACTLY what it is!”
7) “God, I bet they’re over there right now with their Spic and Eurotrash friends feeling all smug and superior, and I bet the entire conversation is just all of them pointing and laughing at Americans in flyover country and making fun of our sports, and our red meat, and our wholesome family values, and our badass guns and pickup trucks.”
8) “GOD, I hate those elitist bastards. Why do they always do this? Why do they always have to try and prove they’re better than us?”
9) “I’ll SHOW them. I’m gonna go online and post a long screed about how much I love this country and how those total fucking elitist rat bastards can go fuck themselves for treating us like this.”

Lather, rinse and repeat with… hooo boy, a HELL of a lot more issues than soccer.

 
 

Golf and bowling might very well be physical activities, but they fail the “head to head” part. When you bowl, it is you vs the pins. When you golf it is you vs the course. When you football, it is you vs the other team. When you wrestle, it is you vs the other wrestler.

 
 

Golf, whether a game or a sport, is a hobby I don’t like. I get that it is a good excuse to get outside with a group of like minded individuals and socialize. I get that it is a game of skill and strategy patience and calm reflection, which are virtues that could stand to be encouraged. I get that it is a lifetime sport, in that it can be learned before the age of five and played until well into one’s seventies or eighties.

To me, that doesn’t make up for the colossal waste of prime real estate, water and fertilizer that goes into keeping up a course. It doesn’t make up for the fact that country clubs are bastions of elitist privilege, that still get away with excluding women and minorities in the 21st century. It doesn’t make up for the fact that it’s boring as hell, worse than watching reruns of the 1975 regional paint drying quarterfinals. It doesn’t make up for the fact that it’s far too safe, none of the participants are at risk of anything worse than sunburn. The occasional fatalities to lightning strikes can be attributed to being too stupid to come in out of the rain.

None of these are unsolveable defects. By borrowing liberally from the sport of orienteering, golf can be fixed.

#1) Equipment costs are far too high, so from now on there is one standard club, available in left or right handed and in a variety of lengths, to accommodate golfers of different sizes. But there is only one design so spending thousands on some unobtanium set of clubs is no longer a way to save strokes. A strict limit of six golf balls will be used per golfer per 9 holes. If a golfer loses his sixth ball, that golfer forfeits the round. Each golfer will carry their own club and balls, caddies may only be used to accommodate differently abled golfers.

#2) Golf courses are a waste of real estate, water and fertilizer. So regular golf courses are now a thing of the past. A season of golf will involve setting up a new course every week, on a course that includes at least three of the following elements: industrial, urban, suburban, agricultural and wilderness. The course will be kept reasonably clear of bystanders by course marshals and at the end of the week, it will be returned to normal. No course may be active more than one week every two years. Individual holes may be used no more than twice a year. Golfers will be financially responsible to any damage they cause to the course and nearby people, livestock, plants, buildings and wild animals; damage and penalties will be assessed by the referee which accompanies each foursome. Likewise, littering is strictly forbidden. Each course will be laid out sequentially in a cross country arrangement of approximately one mile from tee to hole. Each course must be navigated by map and compass; GPS and other navigational aids are strictly forbidden. In the event of a player getting lost or injured, the referee may summon assistance by phone, but any player availing him or her self of that help will forfeit the round. Greens will be no larger than 20′ x 20′ and need not be grass, however the hole will have a flag as normal.

 
 

Perhaps the Augusta National could be converted into a public park, instead of a venue for the wealthy and well-connected to play their precious golf game instead. That would make a lot more sense than a Wal-Mart or a Piggly-Wiggly.

 
 

To me, that doesn’t make up for the colossal waste of prime real estate, water and fertilizer that goes into keeping up a course.

Which is why the best form of the game is minigolf.

 
 

Few people think like that

Obviously, man. The point that there are fewer people like you as the generations go on was made in the NRO article, and it’s not a point we’re disputing.

 
 

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

 
 

Were you trying to golf on a freeway? What happened?

had a herniated disc that i wasn’t aware of…and a very awkward swing…popped that sucker wide open…

 
 

Pointless automatic contradictory troll weighs in with pointless automatic contradictions.

 
 

I got a hole-in-one on a par three course once.

STOP PLAYING NOW. You already peaked.

 
 

had a herniated disc that i wasn’t aware of…and a very awkward swing…popped that sucker wide open…

That’s not golf’s fault. You should have asked your back if it was herniated.

 
 

#2) Golf courses are a waste of real estate, water and fertilizer

True, but in areas where water is more scarce, they actually use grey water. There’s a metaphor about golf and poop in there but I’m not going to put it together because I’m about to go get fucking wasted play a golf tournament.

 
 

A person might ask ‘but what about all the economic activity golf courses create and sustain’? What about the beautifully manicured course at Augusta? and a person with their head not firmly embedded in their ass would answer “Who cares?”. Or in a more verbose format, economic activity based on reinforcing class privilege of the wealthy by excluding women and minorities doesn’t need any special protection. All of that economic activity comes at a cost, and all of the lush greenery of Augusta comes at a cost. And in my humble opinion that cost is excessive.

Golf courses aren’t wildlife habitat, groundskeepers think wildlife are pests to be exterminated. Golf courses are a waste of water, that could be used to grow food, refresh thirsty people or simply be available for future use. Right now Augusta is at a status of “abnormally dry” last year they were in the middle of a record setting multi-year drought. I don’t give a fuck about how lush the greens are when crops are withering in the field. This article written by a golf enthusiast states that there are 16,000 gold courses in the US and that collectively they cover as much ground as the state of Delaware. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=91363837 This article states that in Las Vegas, one golfer per day per hole of golf, requires 139 gallons of water. http://www.fastcompany.com/1749643/big-thirst-nothing%E2%80%99s-quite-so-thirsty-las-vegas-golf-course And that’s in the middle of the desert. The article states that they are taking measures to reduce water, use but they are ignoring the obvious solution of not operating a golf course at all which would realize 100% water savings.

Even the USGA recognizes fertilizer and pesticide runoff as an issue and funds studies to monitor it http://www.usga.org/course_care/articles/environment/pesticides/Does-Fertilizer-or-Pesticide-Use-on-a-Golf-Course-Put-Water-Resources-in-Peril-/

According to the EPA:

Approximately 55% of the nation’s rivers and streams are in poor condition for aquatic life, an Environmental Protection Agency survey released Tuesday found, citing pressure from nitrogen or phosphorus runoff, rising bacteria levels or diminishing surrounding vegetation.

http://farmfutures.com/story-streams-rivers-suffering-fertilizer-runoff-epa-says-0-96533

And it doesn’t take a genius ecologist and statistician to notice that while golf courses aren’t the only ones dumping pesticides and fertilizer into the nation’s waterways, they are the ones doing it for the least benefit. They aren’t growing food, they aren’t open to all of the public, they aren’t wildlife habitat, they are a monument to bourgeois dick measuring contests, which realistically could take place in a truck stop restroom.

 
 

play a golf tournament.

well, have fun with that…we are in the midst of planning ours…

 
Dr. Leonard H. McCoy
 

Me: Please stop checking you watch all the time, hubbkf. It’s distracting!

hubbkf: This isn’t a watch, beebs, its a compass!

Dammit, Jim…

 
 

they are a monument to bourgeois dick measuring contests

That’s not true any more outside of country clubs. Public courses are inclusive, and welcoming to women and people of color. For a LONG time, it was that way, but Tiger Woods put a fast end to all that bullshit.

Story: There is a place in Northern Idaho called Black Rock. Houses–one of which is owned by John Elway, who is also an investor in the whole project. The residents and golfers there are very well to do.

I was forced, one summer day, to take a trip there to show an electrician how to connect some magnetic locks on their comfort stations along the course (because oddly enough, electricians really struggle with electrical theory. They have no idea why a magnet or solenoid won’t work on AC current). Anyway, I arrive there, they outfit me with a cart to go do my business, and along the way I encountered a bunch of the patrons. To a person (male and female and not all white), they were all extremely nice to me. They went out of their way to say hello and gave me a genuine smile.

I was dumbfounded. I had to re-think my entire position on rich people. Then it hit me: These are self-made guys, not old money blue bloods (not many of those here in the Inland Northwest). So they were still people.

Lesson: In general, the rich, aristocratic, arrogant, racist, elitist, classist sociopaths are largely built from upper crust breeding stock and brainwashed into thinking they are actually entitled to nobility. Guys who started out working for a company and worked to the top and retired as millionaires have a good chance of being pretty decent people.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Shorter Dumbass: “Why aren’t you liberals marching in lockstep like I always accuse you of doing?”

Seriously, folks, by disagreeing on something, you’re making Rush, Sean, and Glenn look foolish. Now Dumbass will have to consult the conservative hive-ass to ingest the new talking point pooped out by AEI and RNC.

 
 

Now Dumbass will have to consult the conservative hive-ass

Your Internets are being FedExed as we speak.

 
 

tsam’s comment about how welcoming and inclusive public courses are reminded me to wonder about Augusta National. A quick check informs me they dropped their “whites only” policy in 20021990, and admitted their first two female members (Condoleeza Rice and Darla Moore) in 2012. From the way things are worded, I suspect they still have only 2 female members. Also, the “Royal and Ancient” course at St. Andrews still declines to admit women.

 
 

In the mid-1960s, Dad’s company informed him they were sending him to England. One of his friends, looking at Dad’s golf bag – a collection of clubs of various styles and ages, picked up here and there – remarked that the Brits took their golf seriously, and shouldn’t he get a nice set? So Dad went out and bought a set of matching clubs, as nice as he thought he could afford, and went to England. The English, seeing his bag of matching clubs, thought he must be hot shit (not the term he used when telling me the story), since all their sets looked like Dad’s former set. Of course, as soon as he played golf, they learned he was not, in fact, very good. I think Dad was most upset about the unnecessary expenditure.

Dad kept that set for at least 30 years (he’d paid for it, after all), then got rid of it when he decided he was never going to be very good at it, and went bowling, instead.

 
 

I actually live on a golf course, even though I don’t play golf.

My fear is that the course may be one day be sold to developers.

 
 

I didn’t realize I was required to hold other people to standards and beliefs I have for myself. I follow the platinum rule “Do unto others as they would prefer to be done unto. Tastes differ.” We live in a democracy. I don’t like golf much, partly due to a bit of knee jerk class envy, party due to environmental reasons, and partly due to historic social reasons. I’ve made my case, but tastes differ. I’m not going to try to kick someone out of some imagined real true honest to god progressive movement as certified by 100% compliance with everything Helmut Monotreme knows, believes or suspects (population 1 electoral influence 0). I have such strong opinions against golf that I don’t golf, that I occasionally mock golfers and argue against the game in web comments, and last election I voted in favor of a referendum to turn a local public course into a park. Such is my fanatical commitment to the anti-golf cause.

I’d have to be some sort of monomaniacal weirdo to devote my life towards hatred of golf. Think of the people that you know of that devote their lives to hate, the late Reverend Phelps and his anti gay crusade, Frank Wertham in his “Seduction of the Innocent” anti comic book war, McCarthy and his anti-communist witch hunts, and many more. They are terrible people whose prejudices and desire for control led them to destroy careers and alienate millions in their purity purges. What will kill golf in it’s current form in the US is not going to be anti golf activists, it will be clean water regulations and water rationing and climate change. I don’t have to do anything besides wait.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Helmut, your failure to be obsessed with the bullshit objections raised by Dumbass and every single right-winger is evidence that you are marching in lockstep with the liberal monolith.

You really have to think for yourself by regurgitating Boss Rush’s talking points!!!

 
 

My fear is that the course may be one day be sold to developers.

if that developer is donald trump, he’ll likely just build a golf course on the golf course…

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

if that developer is donald trump, he’ll likely just build a golf course on the golf course…

Every blade of grass will be spray-painted “gold”.

 
 

tsam, their individual psychologies may well be based on your theory of old-vs-new money but, once again, it is not the people in the system that matter, it is the system itself. So, while some rich people may be sweethearts, the inequality of wealth is still a problem. Likewise, while individual and many straight people may not be bigots, homophobia is still a huge problem. The fact that we all here are not racists does not mean that racism, as an ideology is dying out. See also #Not All Men.
Catch my drift ? Should I cease snowing?

 
 

What will kill golf in it’s current form in the US is not going to be anti golf activists, it will be clean water regulations and water rationing and climate change. I don’t have to do anything besides wait.

Those things and the fact that the “golfer” demographic is literally dying off. Golf will still exist, but it’ll continue to get less and less popular, and probably hang on largely only in retirement communities, I’d imagine. They’ve been trying to attract a younger demographic, country clubs doing new member drives, etc., but not doing well at it. At least here in the hideous liberal utopia where horrible coastal elites like me live.

Shit when my friends say “let’s go golfing!” we mean disc golf, which is actually pretty damn fun. Also has the benefit of being done damn near anywhere if you’re creative with what a “hole” is, or on one of many courses that have easily been added to existing parks and having no impact whatsoever on the surroundings, other than some additional risk of beaning somebody with a disc.

 
 

The Doctor : “You know the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don’t alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit the views. Which can be uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.”

 
 

What will kill golf in it’s current form in the US is not going to be anti golf activists, it will be clean water regulations and water rationing and climate change. I don’t have to do anything besides wait.

I saw a report that less people are playing golf these days. Mainly because they either don’t have the time or they don’t have the money.

 
 

Major, it is only my extreme respect and affection for you that prevents me from calling you out for using “less” instead of “fewer” above.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

You may have a point when professional liberal writers are writing long opinion pieces for actual pay, claiming golf is a sinister plot to undermine America, Dumbass. Until then, you’re just being a dumbass, Dumbass.

 
 

Although if anyone knows a major publication or website looking for someone to write an article blaming golf for all of our woes, I could use the money.

 
 

Suez, I have been reduced to whimpering over subject-verb agreement – there are now too many, coming from people I think should know better, to spend the energy on howls. I know, I know, living languages change all the time, as they should, and I think the French are silly. But it’s still not all right with me.

 
 

Yep, V, I know all about not saying anything about all the oopsies. This just happens to be my personal most unfavourite. (neologism – see what I did there?). With you on this, sis.

 
 

I know all about not saying anything about all the oopsies.

I wasn’t calling you out (tomes at twenty?). I was indulging in a chance to gripe.

 
 

A golf club is a useful tool to make my beloved father take a fucking walk outside. To hell with his health, but by god he’ll show those other bastards of middling skill what he’s made of!

Helmut, had not heard of the platinum rule before. Appropriating imminently.

 
 

Major, it is only my extreme respect and affection for you that prevents me from calling you out for using “less” instead of “fewer” above.

I have an engineering degree. Literacy is not our strong point. It’s amazing that I can spell my own name.

 
 

Izzit jes me or is S,N! yoyoing for everyone else? It’s up. It’s down. Rinse and repeat.

 
 

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/standingonmyhead/2014/07/the-new-misogyny-double-dads.html

A Catholic priest rails against women acting as surrogates married gay men because it’s misogyny. Astoundingly, it’s not satire. WARNING: DO NOT READ THE COMMENTS

 
 

Izzit jes me

I think it’s jes you, been fine here.

 
 

Shit when my friends say “let’s go golfing!” we mean disc golf, which is actually pretty damn fun. Also has the benefit of being done damn near anywhere if you’re creative with what a “hole” is, or on one of many courses that have easily been added to existing parks and having no impact whatsoever on the surroundings,…

amen to that. I’ve got an amazing 18 hole course just a few blocks from the house.

 
 

comment mango:

The Catholic Church is clear on this. Any form of “surrogacy” is against natural law and is immoral.

wouldn’t mary have been a surrogate?

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

Someone is projecting. Again.

I never had a a problem with the priests except for their insistence that their bullshit was true. Yeah, I went through the whole C.C.D. right through confirmation but never took it seriously. Never bought into a word of it either. It’s kind of funny – I can remember a time when I thought Santa was real. The tooth fairy too. ‘Course, I had good reason to believe that; they left evidence of their presence. Curiously, I never thought the Öestre bunny was real, figuring that was just silly. Until I was five, even though mom dragged us all out to mass every Sunday, I never gave the idea of god a moment’s thought. I remember quite clearly my first day of catechism when I was all of five years old. Within mere moments my bullshit detector was all RED ALERT!!! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! Spent the next ten years silently laughing every Sunday morning and, for the most part, just letting it wash over me. There were a few occasions when I just couldn’t resist asking difficult questions. Over the years my mother got more than a few letters instructing her to instruct me to not ask such questions in fact it’s best if PeeJ says nothing at all.

Also, WTF Firefox on Linux? “neighbor” and mold and others are not in the dictionary but their pretentious English (Canadianite also too) variants are. Also missing is “mom.” Seriously, WTFFF?

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

See, that’s the sort of thing that’s just fucking funny. Shorter gawd: I love you so much! Now worship me or I’ll torture you for eternity.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

Oh give me a fucking break. “Thusly” isn’t in the standard dictionary? Holy fuck.

 
 

I have an engineering degree. Literacy is not our strong point.

That’s something that made me doubt the intelligence of one of my physics profs in college. I’m pretty sure it was within one week that he was telling us that grammar and spelling didn’t matter on papers because we were budding scientists!!! and didn’t need to know any of that silly humanities stuff (I’m paraphrasing, here), and bitching about how poorly written the physics texts were, and getting worse.

Also, that piece about taking his cat to the park is very funny. Sez I with a 15 year old cat I’ve never considered taking to the park, though I did (briefly) think about taking her with me to cons.

 
 

From the Comet and the Turk, good Lord, deliver us.

 
 

WARNING: DO NOT READ THE COMMENTS

…Pup is not kidding. Not even a little bit. Imperious Dakar and FireDragons42 are the only commenters who are neither zombo-Catholics nor MRAholes. I’m torn on whether to admire Dakar for having the intestinal fortitude to continue debating these “political CHUDs” (™ driftglass) or FireDragons42 for having the good sense to cut his losses. Literally everything else palpably dislodged brain cells, which I’m sure will later express in my urine.

 
 

High zare, everyone! I’m de-lurking to say I’ve enjoyed this thread immensely. In particular, discussions of what constitutes a ‘sport’, e.g., golf, bowling, auto racing, billiards. What about competitive activities that involve horses; racing, polo, steeplchase, etc?. Anyone care to discuss sailing, rowing, swimming, skiing, track & field? (Faint echoes of a Question Barrage….)

I am utterly absorbed by baseball. I didn’t follow anything about the World Cup, didn’t care. During the baseball season, I’m obsessive, locked-in like a laser, nothing else is on my sports radar.

The best news from the Duchy of Grand Fenwick is that the Orioles are leading the AL-East.

Have fun, you wonderful screwballs and good people.

 
 

DANGER WILL ROBINSON!

I got “Website not available” once in the wee hrs. (PDT) today but it reloaded immediately.

And, I too had a cat named Pookie. (No aliases.) She liked to play fetch.

 
 

In my younger days I was very much into competitive sailing. Both small boat closed course racing and large boat offshore racing. I consider it a sport. Of course, I may be biased. I do not, however, consider it a spectator sport. A large fleet of boats is an impressive sight especially if the colorful spinnakers are flying, but from a spectators point of view its more like watching a nice sunset than watching a sporting competition.

 
 

Thread Bear, you’re taking me back to my youthful follies on the shores of Stoney Lake in Michigan.

And follies they were. I remember getting smacked in my face by the boom quite well. I was not a star sailor, though of course I wanted to be.

 
 

Am I the only one here who followed this year’s Quidditch World Cup profic stuff at all?

 
 

Am I the only one here who followed this year’s Quidditch World Cup profic stuff at all?

Sorry, I was busy…
http://ispa.segpolo.org/

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

Several times over the last week or so I had what appeared to be DNS problems – “server couldn’t be found.” Happened on my desktop Linux box and also my iPhone while away from home. My Nexus tablet too but that’s also AT&T 4G, same as iPhone .

Whatever. I was eagerly anticipating M. Bouffant’s contribution to the chicken recipes thread at lgm. Would have given it a vote for simplest.

 
 

The fact is, all you liberal eleitists are faggots and dykes, not real amerifcans like me. You worship the gay and the afeminate and say this is they way we should be, well here in the Heartland we are real men and we are white. We do not like Obama because he is a socialest. You thnk that is rasisist but you have no logic or inteligence, unlike us here in flyover country as you contemptually put it, we are he real americans working hard you are the leaches

 
 

We do not like Obama because he is a socialest

Sigh. If only.

 
 

The fact is, here in the Heartland we have no use for you coastal eleites. We are all about freedom, guns, the consitution, freedom, tort reform, healthy forests, freedom, voters having to prove that they are american after all we do, freedom, meida that is not biased, 2nd amendment soulutions, no spcial rights for fags or minorites, freedom and fighting for freedom around the world. You are for lazy shiftless entitlement, media bias, hate and the destruction of USA and the White Race.

 
 

I am indeed an uncomplicated sort. If not downright simple.

 
 

We do not like Obama because he is a socialest

He’s the socialest socialist?

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

Descent is the highest form of patriotic.

 
 

I am indeed an uncomplicated sort. If not downright simple.

That doesn’t sound like how a simpleton would put it, though

 
 

unlike us here in flyover country as you contemptually put it, we are he real americans working hard you are the leaches

i know! nothing warms my heart as much as the sight of a farmer, in a late model ford f150 or dodge ram, admiring his crops on the way to his lake cabin, as he smiles at the thought of $7/bushel corn…brings a tear to my eye, every time…

 
 

The only people I have ever heard use the term “flyover country” are people that live there because they imagine that’s what people on the coast(s) call it.

 
 

yeah, that’s about the only way i’ve heard it used…i would imagine everywhere is flyover country at some time…

 
 

Whatever. I was eagerly anticipating M. Bouffant’s contribution to the chicken recipes thread at lgm. Would have given it a vote for simplest.

hmmm…i’m guessing the recipe included some sort of package and a microwave?

 
 

d’oh…premature submission…one of my favorite chicken recipes is:

go to store…pick out the plumpest,crispiest looking chicken on rotisserie rack…drive home…tell hubbkf supper is ready…

 
 

Properly roasting a chicken is one of those “so simple that it’s hard” recipes.

One of the top chefs, I think it’s Thomas Keller, said that he judged a chef by how well he could prepare a roast chicken.

 
 

Gordon Ramsay judges if someone is a chef or a mere amateur by having them make him an omelette. Just sayin’.

 
 

I can easily see both the roast chicken and the omelette as being litmus tests for cookery.

My personal pick is risotto. A good risotto is divine, and worst case scenario you get gravy and rice with some interesting topping.

 
 

All I wanna say here is, re the ‘golf is not a sport’ thing, is that I hate golf so much because I know its true nature; the reason it’s so loved by right-wing corporates.

Golf is the modern equivalent of dueling.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Gordon Ramsay judges if someone is a chef or a mere amateur by having them make him an omelette. Just sayin’.

Relevant

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Golf is the modern equivalent of dueling.

As a judo player, I have to scoff at the notion that golf even approaches a duel.

The only similarity between golfers and swashbucklers is the garish clothes.

 
 

Well, judo has, with other martial arts, it’s formalisms, but they don’t have seconds/caddies to carry their kit around.

 
 

“Golf is a deadly game…”

I recall one time, during a seniors game, when one player collapsed and died of a heart attack. His opponent insisted it was a stroke.

 
 

Tha fact that america can’t get football right pales in significance beside the fact that they can’t get bowling right.

 
 

Caine is an amateur.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Well, judo has, with other martial arts, it’s formalisms, but they don’t have seconds/caddies to carry their kit around.

The seconds are incidental to the duel- the real key to a duel, the root of the word, is that it is a contest between two individuals. In a golf match, the real opponents are the ball and the landscape. The match is really two parallel struggles, with a comparison of the players’ respective performances.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Caine is an amateur.

Ooh la la!

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

The Republic is 18 lbs. closer to fuckable!

Ooh la la!

 
 

The Republic
Dude, get rid of that wing-nut facial hair if you really want to be, you know.

 
 

Proper dueling, with pistol, is a contest between a man and his weapon. The fact that they point their weapon at another is incidental.

Sorry BBBB, I couldn’y resist :-)

 
 

Dude, get rid of that wing-nut facial hair if you really want to be, you know.

I’m 51, and live in Tennessee. Don’t mess with the goat! Not even if you have its GPS coordinates!
.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Proper dueling, with pistol, is a contest between a man and his weapon. The fact that they point their weapon at another is incidental.

That’s true, to a large extent, a blaster is clumsy, random weapon- you need a more elegant weapon for a more civilized age. I’m not up on my pistol dueling etiquette, but I’m sure misfires were considered another risk.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Low tech, high technique is your safest bet in a prearranged fight.

 
 

Conservatives hate soccer for a simple reason:

It’s international nature discourages rather than encourages xenophobia. Xenophobia is part of the life-support that keeps the Republican Party from shriveling to the size of the Lyndon LaRouche party.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

http://www.portlandmercury.com/portland/my-little-brony/Content?oid=12946736

Movie reviewer for Portland alt paper slags brownies. Shitstorm ensues in comments. THIS one you WANT to read the comments.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

FYautocorrect. Bronies. Slagging Brownies would be low indeed.

 
 

Even slagging lower-case brownies would be low.

It’s international nature discourages rather than encourages xenophobia.
Or not. Granted that’s not really international footy, but as I like to say, “Everything’s political.”

 
 

Good Grief, Pups. Those bronies (whom I admit I do not understand) are really devoted to their little kink/weirdness.

 
 

There was a young man fron Dijion
Who took a dislike to religion.
He said, “Oh, my God,
These three are so odd:
The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon.”

 
 

Note that we have at least one an possibly two nymjackers posting as Pup.

 
 

Certainly a fuck-up in my browser cache, but I’ve been getting the TPM favicon every visit here for weeks!
.

 
 

It’s not uncommon for soccer fans in Europe to throw bananas and hurl racist insults at non-white players

The coolest response to that was recently by Dani Alves (sp?) of a Spanish club (Villareal?). Some asshole threw a banana at his feet as he was lining up a corner kick, and he calmly picked up the banana, peeled it and bit off a big mouthful before flinging it away and completing the corner. I like to think the extra potassium helped him play better.

 
Gunlickers, Oldfarts & Plutocrats
 

Go Argentina!

 
 

Good Grief, Pups. Those bronies (whom I admit I do not understand) are really devoted to their little kink/weirdness.

It’s a good show with very high cult appeal. Imagine if it were twenty years ago and an article came out slagging late night participatory Rocky screenings in rep theatres. And there were an intertrons to anonymously yell back.

Anyways, yeah – it’s a good show.

 
Gunlickers, Oldfarts & Plutocrats
 

Uh oh, Germany scored…

 
Gunlickers, Oldfarts & Plutocrats
 

Wake up, Messi!

 
 

Germans are Nazis.

Sieg Heil, baby!

 
 

Whoa ! Well done, Germany. Congrats etc etc.

 
 

well I’m not against teh bronies>!>!>:::{“”??

 
 

I’m not against them either, kg. It’s just another subculture which I do not, from my narrow worldview, understand. Much like golfers. But, ya know, consenting adults – it’s all cool – shrug.
I’ve never seen the programme, DKW, so I’ll accept your imprimatur.

 
 

I’ve never watched it either and I like cartoons. It just never appealed to me.

 
 

I’ve never watched it either and I like cartoons. It just never appealed to me.

I’d know little of it if not for Wonkette, which I keep threatening to boycott over the misuse of Blingee and other dancing bologna.
.

 
 

It’s a good show.

Is it a kid’s show? Yes, in the same sense as the Simpsons is. No one is going to say motherfucker on either of ‘em and that’s about how much they’re kid’s shows.

Is it a show for little girls? Yes. Is that a problem? Since it’s for what teevees makers think girls want, there’s emphasis on the interaction and relationships between characters. Since it’s for young people it is not overly talky.

It can be a bit hokey, and a lot of episodes are musicals – so that should give you an idea of the kind of sentiment involved. OTOH, the music is way better than you’d expect from a 22 minute cartoon episode and practically verging on decent in its own right.

It’s not perfect – for example, it’s entirely too comforting to bourgeois middle class sensibilities IMO. But it’s very entertaining and definitely worth checking out.

 
 

I recall mocking the bronies before seeing MLP:FiM or knowing enough. I was wrong to do that. It’s a good, clever show. Not worth basing your life around, but at that point it’s about the scene, one hopes.

Let’s say some parents are worried about their brony son. I’d tell them to consider themselves lucky. Their kid could fall in with a really bad crowd.

 
 

My single beef with bronies is summed up in this comment, with these two relevant sections coming to the fore:

There are a ton of adult men (hardly a “new” or “next” generation) out there clamoring that the show and it’s products be more tailored to their interests.

and, more importantly:

There’s something wrong with the situation when the intended audience for a children’s cartoon can’t Google their favorite pony without finding unlabled porn of that pony on the front page, or can’t brush a toy pony’s hair because an adult fan (i.e. the fans with the most spending money) decided it didn’t match his vision of how those ponies would look on his shelf.

I remember reading a piece in which a brony stated that “better merch” was needed, and all I could think was, “Dude, the toys are aimed at little kids, not single I.T. professionals who want ‘collectibles’, lay off.”

 
 

Thanks for that article. I think I understand the show a bit better, and feel better about my 4 yo niece watching it. All I saw was the pink and purple sparklies (which is what she loves about it, I think), but if it has these messages attached, I can deal.

But yeah, those guys should learn a bit more about how to enjoy no-longer-your-age group stuff. A little adult subtext (no, not that kind) is fine, and keeps the show out of Barney territory, but they do need to learn boundaries.

 
 

Considering the cartoons are infomercials to move ponies off shelves, I’m surprised whoever (Hasbro?) hasn’t catered to the bros w/ higher quality rip-offs.

 
 

Re: merch
There are entitled assholes in most groups. Seems harsh to judge a group of persons based on a small sample. That said, I would not be surprised if bronies have a higher than average percentage of entitled dickwads.

Re: Little girls who are unable to Google their favourite pony.
Why not? Because of the cloppers? Have you tried Googling any of the Mane Six? First hit is always the exceptionally well maintained wikia. Image searches are less inappropriate than GIS for Marge or Lisa Simpson.

Seriously, bronies get a lot of hate. The majority of it from folks who have never watched the show. Sure, some of them deserve it. Sure, they are generally privileged enough that it’s very #FirstWorldProblems. That said, it’s still either pre-judging a fairly large group of people based on ignorance or judging them by the subsection that comprises their worst members.

 
Gunlickers, Oldfarts & Plutocrats
 

I remember when I had my elementary school students google their own names… we were studying the medieval era, when last names were first used.

It turned out about half the kids had last names that were shared by porn stars…

Ooopsie…!

OK, turn off those computers, kids! we’ve got to get back to the classroom right away!

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

It turned out about half the kids had last names that were shared by porn stars…

I performed under the name “John Wesley Hardon”.

 
 

The “A” stands for Alfcock.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

Teh Ho sent me an idea for a little project. I do believe it’s worth sharing with you cat owners.

 
 

Nymjack

 
 

I do believe it’s worth sharing with you cat owners.

I’m not going to attempt that. I can’t afford to lose work due to needing skin grafts.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

Oh fuck! Just heard about Tommy Ramone dying this weekend. I haz a major sad.

 
 

Big Bad Bald Bastard said, “RELEVANT”

Um. I. Um.

Gracious.

 
 

Certainly a fuck-up in my browser cache, but I’ve been getting the TPM favicon every visit here for weeks!

Lucky you, I’ve been getting reddit.

I don’t even have a reddit bookmark. Go figger.

 
 

ARCHIE IS DEAD BECAUSE GHEYS!!!

What is his heter-bro life partner Jughead going to do?

 
 

I signed a lease in my new city, made it back home, and somehow made par for Camp Nanowrimo.

Now I’m going to drink cheap white wine from a box.

By the way, guys? You know how young I am? t < 30. Well, this is how old people are when they start to get fucking nightmare "haha what if we just drank a bottle of tequila at 2 pm tho" hangovers from three glasses of wine.

Does anyone have any lifestyle advice for me? Do I have to drink less wine? Do I have to maintain a job where I can afford more expensive wine? Please help me address these challenges.

 
 

ARCHIE DIES ???? NO !!!!!
I am distraught. Now I’ll never know if Betty gets her man.
Or maybe that got settled in the last 40+ years since I read a comic.

 
 

What is his heter-bro life partner Jughead going to do?

Archie’s dead body, of course.

 
 

Wholesome!

 
 

Does anyone have any lifestyle advice for me? Do I have to drink less wine? Do I have to maintain a job where I can afford more expensive wine? Please help me address these challenges.

Relevant

 
 

Please help me address these challenges.

Bourbon.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

Pic of the day: http://i.imgur.com/qkGHsB2.jpg

 
 

Now I’m going to drink cheap white wine from a box.

Wine’s first duty is to be red.

 
 

Does anyone have any lifestyle advice for me? Do I have to drink less wine?

If you remove a few surplus organs there is plenty of room in the abdomen to fit in a second liver.

 
 

If you remove a few surplus organs there is plenty of room in the abdomen to fit in a second liver.

That’s what I keep telling my doctor, but he says the damn Obamacare death panels won’t allow it.

 
 

Does anyone have any lifestyle advice for me? Do I have to drink less wine? Do I have to maintain a job where I can afford more expensive wine? Please help me address these challenges.

Here’s my advice

1–quit being under 30. You guys are ruining everything with your saggy pants and Justin Beibers and such.

2–Ignore # 1. I didn’t really mean it. (As far as you know)

C–Alcohol works this way. You can have one or two drinks with a meal, or you need to go all in and commit to the hangover.

d–Do yourself a huge favor and accept aging with all the grace and dignity you can muster. Your body will tell you what’s acceptable and what is not, and you’d be well served to pay attention to that. I say this as someone who is utterly incapable of following my own advice on this matter. Stay active, take it easy on your knees and back and shoulders, and try to avoid treating your body like a dumpster with Taco Bell and other disgusting things like coconut and Jack Daniels.

 
Gunlickers, Oldfarts & Plutocrats
 

C–Alcohol works this way. You can have one or two drinks with a meal, or you need to go all in and commit to the hangover.

Or instead of going “all in” you can have a teeny-weeny little toke and give your one or two drinks the “multiplier effect”… no hangover!

 
 

I find that at 52 I can still do most of the things I did when I was younger, just that the recovery time is longer.

I biked 50 miles the other day, but if I tried to do it two days in a row I’d feel it.

For health reasons I normally keep the drinking down to one or two glasses of wine a day.

I’d say it averages out to one a day because I can’t drink when I’m out on a trip. Well I could, but I’d have to start drinking early in the morning to be legal (8 hours bottle to throttle).

Some of the old Flying Tigers guys used to do that but I can’t.

 
Gunlickers, Oldfarts & Plutocrats
 

Does anyone have any lifestyle advice for me?

A union job is a good job! Something with a pension because trust me, you’re really going to enjoy being retired.

Seek out music that really thrills you and listen to it as much as you can.

Learn a foreign language, and try to practise it.

Find some form of exercise you can tolerate— hiking? tennis? bowling? swimming? windsurfing? Roller skating? Swing dancing?— Whatever it is, it’s gotta be fun enough to do that you don’t really think about the exercise part.

Moderation in all things! And above all, moderation in moderation.

Marijuana is better for you than alcohol. I’ve met a lot of people who have fucked up their lives with alcohol, but nobody I’ve met yet has managed to do it with grass.

These days, laughing at rightwing lunatics is an important component of maintaining your mental health, so keep making “Sadly, No” a part of your daily routine.

Negative, miserable people will suck the life out of you, so avoid them. But if you are forced to spend time with them, just shut up and avoid conflict situations, because that is what they thrive on.

“Some guy” (non-troll version)

PS Did I mention having sex with sixty-year old Canadian guys?

 
 

Magic underwear porn

Now viewers can worry whether they’re watching real MormonDudes, or random “gentiles” paid $50 and loaned the underwear.

 
 

Bourbon.

This sounds like a technically possible solution, insofar as it doesn’t actually defy physics. Next time I see a whole $20 in the same wallet I’m willing to try it.

Wine’s first duty is to be red.

This was a catch-22 Major. Red wine is superior to white wine in every way, except that it cannot be chilled, and my apartment has no air conditioning.

Magic underwear porn… that is all.

Rule 34 is for internetz what quantum theory is to physics. You can’t derive a unified theory of the internet from it, but by god is it predictive within its purview.

If you remove a few surplus organs there is plenty of room in the abdomen to fit in a second liver.

Now I know what to say when people ask what I’m going to specialize in…

Alcohol works this way. You can have one or two drinks with a meal, or you need to go all in and commit to the hangover.

I was afraid this was the case. It is good to straight-up hear it from someone who isn’t a square.

Do yourself a huge favor and accept aging with all the grace and dignity you can muster. Your body will tell you what’s acceptable and what is not, and you’d be well served to pay attention to that.

Grace and dignity are high virtues to aspire to, but I’m trying. What’s becoming more and more obvious to me is that recklessness and heedlessness are really just privileges that come with having a heart, brain and knees that are fresh out of the box.

I’d like to personally apologize about Justin Bieber.

 
 

As much as I hated hangovers, I’ll note they were a feature of my life before I became addicted to the stuff. No binges, high tolerance, moderate-to-high daily intake, fattest ever = zero hangovers; but I can’t recommend it.

 
 

What’s becoming more and more obvious to me is that recklessness and heedlessness are really just privileges that come with having a heart, brain and knees that are fresh out of the box.

Oh, ya got that right! But then recklessness and heedlessness are a byproduct of youth. You can either stay ahead of the decay with exercise and not doing dumb shit like jumping off the backs of trucks or trying to run 10Ks without training properly, or you can just fight it all your life. Your body will fight you right back, so work out a truce.

True story: I still have some of my youthful recklessness left in me, which is why I was one last surge away from drowning in the Spokane River last weekend. I fell out of the raft, (no life jacket), and was immediately dragged to the bottom of the river, hitting rocks on the way down. Three attempts to swim up failed due to the current or hitting one of the rafts at the surface. I knew my last try was all I had left in me, and that if I didn’t make it, I was going to die. Luckily I got a hand out and caught a raft on that last attempt.

Moral of the story: I’m 44 years old. I should have learned at your age that rivers are killers and worn a life preserver. What’s worse is that my 15 year old stepson was with us, no life preserver. It could have been HIM. Wear sunscreen. Wear life preservers. Don’t race cars on the street. Don’t text and drive. Don’t drink/smoke/snort and drive. Don’t get into barfights unless you have no choice in the matter. Don’t force yourself to face your own mortality in an instant that you know if you can’t swim 20 feet upward and grab a raft, you’re going to die, leaving your friends and family grieving forever because you’re too fucking STUPID TO USE A SIMPLE SAFETY DEVICE.

Wow. I need a nap after processing all of that again.

Don’t worry about Beiber. Every generation has a Beiber. He’s far from the first and certainly won’t be the last.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

I find that at 52 I can still do most of the things I did when I was younger, just that the recovery time is longer.

Oh hell yeah! I can fight like hell for three hours on Saturday morning, feel like a million bucks on Satuday afternoon, and need a ten minute hot shower to even move on Sunday.

 
 

Negative, miserable people will suck the life out of you, so avoid them. But if you are forced to spend time with them, just shut up and avoid conflict situations, because that is what they thrive on.

I can’t stress enough how important this is. DO NOT ENGAGE. They always win. You’re kicking at goalposts that are moving at light speed. This is the best advice you’ve been given today.

 
 

Negative, miserable people will suck the life out of you, so avoid them. But if you are forced to spend time with them, just shut up and avoid conflict situations, because that is what they thrive on.

This is the one lesson I’ve learned. I indulge in grievances on the internet for laughs, behind a nym, and then I walk away when something starts to sap my energy. I love to argue, but I hate to fight.

If someone asked me what I’m proud of, easy, sort-of-true answers would include the accomplishments I put on my resume. What I’ve really done to make my life better is to heal and strengthen relationships with the people around me. Then, when some of those relationships wouldn’t heal, or made me weaker when they got stronger, I took a hard look at who I was dancing with. In some places they had to go to arm’s length. The folks who wouldn’t settle for arm’s length I cut loose.

It’s hard letting go of long-standing relationships in any situation, even when you realize someone’s been poisoning you. But once you create a standard for how you want to be treated by the people you care about, it’s much easier to keep new trouble-makers at a safe and sane distance, and feel certain about welcoming in new friends.

 
 

tsam, that is a very sad link. Thank you for not being drowned. You’d leave a lot of bereft folks behind.

I will take your advice regarding use of simple safety devices to heart.

 
 

but I can’t recommend it.

CRA, forgive the question as I’m sure it’s already known, but do you keep sober from etoh or keep to moderation? I’ve had my own rough times with substances so I’m always curious about the paths of others.

 
 

When my nephew left for college, I gave him the following advice :
Stick to the natural, organic stuff – weed, beer and wine. Eschew anything made in a lab. Oh, and safe sex saves lives.
My brother threatened to disown me – again.

 
 

My brother threatened to disown me – again.

For WHAT?

 
 

My near drowning

Yikes! Be careful out there!

 
 

You know what, Seize? You have things pretty damn well in hand for a dude your age. Sounds like you don’t need a whole lot of help–not that we don’t enjoy sharing stories about how we all learned things the hard way in the hope that you can bypass some of the more torturous paths we took.

If you have just a few friends in your life that you can be confident are true friends (like help you get rid of the bodies and shut up friends), then you’ve won. Everything else is pretty much bullshit. Income, status, power–those things matter, but not like having something in the world that you know with 99% certainty that you can count on. That’s friends and family.

 
 

tsam, I love my brother but he is a very straight arrow. A good scientist/atheist but he felt I was encouraging his 18 year old lil angel to drug, drink and sex his way through college. Bad sister !
News to me that college kids require encouragement from their aunts before doing any of those things.

 
 

Yikes! Be careful out there!

Already laid down the law with friends and family. No life jackets, no Mark. No life jackets, I kick your ass, with our without the presence of Mark. That was too fucking close. I’ve had scrapes with death before–a rollover, being shot at, and spending some time in a detention facility….nothing affected me like this did because we had three teenagers with us. The guilt from endangering them like that is eating my guts.

 
 

(8 hours bottle to throttle)
The hell happened to no boozing 24 hrs. before the flight? Am I that old, or they just don’t care ’cause you don’t have passengers?

 
 

News to me that college kids require encouragement from their aunts before doing any of those things.
The conservative attitude seems to be that if there’s no sex education the kids will never find out about sex. I guess drinking & doping are part of that peculiar attitude.

Seize, keep hydrated. Plenty of water between alcoholic drinks. Stop drinking a couple hrs. before you go to sleep, & take an aspirin before you hit the sack. And reefer is nature’s hangover cure.

 
 

CRA, forgive the question as I’m sure it’s already known, but do you keep sober from etoh or keep to moderation? I’ve had my own rough times with substances so I’m always curious about the paths of others.

I can stay out of trouble — dunno if you’d call that moderation — but it’s starting to affect my health. In the last nine months I have tried on and off, and managed: 35 days; a week; eleven days; and a few single days sober.

I don’t mind the question at all, but I’m gonna restrain my reply.

 
 

The hell happened to no boozing 24 hrs. before the flight?

I’d never heard that before. The Air Force was actually more strict, with a 12 hour limit.

You also can’t show up for a flight with blood alcohol greater than .02 and we do get randomly tested on occasion.

http://www.boaf.org/alpaarticle.htm

 
Gunlickers, Oldfarts & Plutocrats
 

You know what, Seize? You have things pretty damn well in hand for a dude your age.

Seize is a dude?

In that case, um, I’m going to have to politely withdraw my suggestion about having sex with 60ish Canadians…

 
Gunlickers, Oldfarts & Plutocrats
 

And tsam, I had a little accident with my sailboat a couple of years ago which resulted in me and my buddy spending a chilly hour in Lake Ontario.

Luckily for us, we both had our life jackets on…

 
 

In that case, um, I’m going to have to politely withdraw my suggestion about having sex with 60ish Canadians…

She’s a woman, IIRC, but I couldn’t help noticing that her line-by-line response to you earlier curiously omitted that part.

Let me suggest my favorite endorsement for anything: “There’s nothing like it!”

 
Gunlickers, Oldfarts & Plutocrats
 

Gun owner Second Amendments herself in the face…

http://crooksandliars.com/2014/07/responsible-gun-owner-day-shoots-herself

 
 

try to avoid treating your body like a dumpster with Taco Bell and other disgusting things

I treat my body like a temple. My mouth, however, is an atheist.

 
 

The memory may be going, but I’m pretty sure that some airlines (apparently not the FAA) had a no boozing 24 hrs. before a flight regulation for cockpit & cabin crew. I may have read that in the ’60s or ’70s though.

 
 

You also can’t show up for a flight with blood alcohol greater than .02 and we do get randomly tested on occasion.

Eight hours is evidently not always enough time.

 
 

And tsam, I had a little accident with my sailboat a couple of years ago which resulted in me and my buddy spending a chilly hour in Lake Ontario.

Luckily for us, we both had our life jackets on…

I’ve spent my adult life being a total DUMBSHIT about life jackets. That time is now over. Thankfully you had jackets on.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

Captain Shelley conceded he had drunk four pints between 5pm and 10pm the previous day.
I call bullshit. No way he blows a 0.07 eight hours after four pints. I don’t care if he weighs 7/8 of nothing, he was hitting the sauce well after 10 pm.

 
 

I wonder whether poor liver function can radically delay the decline of one’s BAC, but I don’t wonder enough to Google.

 
 

Seize is a dude?

In that case, um, I’m going to have to politely withdraw my suggestion about having sex with 60ish

Hush Fenwick, don’t ruin your mystique. I accept “dude” as a gender neutral pronoun.

 
 

Seize, keep hydrated. Plenty of water between alcoholic drinks. Stop drinking a couple hrs. before you go to sleep, & take an aspirin before you hit the sack. And reefer is nature’s hangover cure.

M Boof this made me titter. It was so square-approved up until that very last clause.

Dear Diary, you’ll never believe what Sadly, No! told me would solve my problems today. It was nearly a damned consensus….

 
 

I can stay out of trouble — dunno if you’d call that moderation — but it’s starting to affect my health. In the last nine months I have tried on and off, and managed: 35 days; a week; eleven days; and a few single days sober.

I don’t mind the question at all, but I’m gonna restrain my reply.

I hear you. Thanks for your candid response.

In my limited experience, moderation is crystal clear in concept, and about as simple as wrestling 100 kg octopus in practice.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

And if you do get yourself blitzed, stick a finger down your throat before you go to bed. Do this in the bathroom.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

Trust me on this – I’m a trained professional.

 
 

tsam said, July 15, 2014 at 22:47

Thanks for the kind words. And you KNOW I love the stories you guys tell..

 
 

Funny thing about “staying out of trouble” re: booze. I grew up with an alcoholic father and grandfather. Binge-drinkers who got into the typical types of trouble. So I learned and learned well that if you wanted to drink you had to stay out of trouble. What I didn’t grasp was that the body doesn’t know about all that — a drug habit is just that whether you yell at the wife and drain your bank account, or not. So here I am, and there’s no guarantee I won’t start getting into trouble, eh?

I didn’t type more earlier because it’s a depressing topic. I hope my sense of humor comes back, since I’m gonna need it in the short term. Shit’s hitting the fan, I guess it’ll be interesting at least.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

So S,N! went away for me AGAIN.

pj@Erewhon:~$ nslookup sadlyno.com
Server: 127.0.1.1
Address: 127.0.1.1#53

Non-authoritative answer:
Name: sadlyno.com
Address: 5.9.88.245

pj@Erewhon:~$ nslookup www.sadlyno.com
Server: 127.0.1.1
Address: 127.0.1.1#53

** server can't find www.sadlyno.com: NXDOMAIN

Further digging:

Port 80 - HTTP Server: Apache

HTTP/1.1 403 Forbidden
Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2014 20:17:41 GMT
Server: Apache
Connection: close

Port 443 - HTTPS Server: Apache

HTTP/1.1 403 Forbidden
Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2014 20:17:41 GMT
Server: Apache
Connection: close

After it came back up
pj@Erewhon:~/.opera$ nslookup sadlyno.com
Server: 127.0.1.1
Address: 127.0.1.1#53

Non-authoritative answer:
Name: sadlyno.com
Address: 5.9.88.245

pj@Erewhon:~/.opera$ nslookup www.sadlyno.com
Server: 127.0.1.1
Address: 127.0.1.1#53

Non-authoritative answer:
Name: www.sadlyno.com
Address: 5.9.88.245

How about that. Port 80 is also now open. Didn’t check port 443.

Using the Qwest DNS server.

 
 

Goodnight for now y’all, gotta early start tomorrow. Will respond to others then.

 
 

I accept “dude” as a gender neutral pronoun.

Aw crap. I thought you were a guy. I’m sorry!!

 
 

I call bullshit. No way he blows a 0.07 eight hours after four pints. I don’t care if he weighs 7/8 of nothing, he was hitting the sauce well after 10 pm.

Bourbon Irish.

 
 

Next time I see a whole $20 in the same wallet I’m willing to try it.

Evan Williams. Apparently there’s an Old Crow Reserve but I am greatly afeared of anything even remotely related in any way to Old Crow. Plus you can’t get it up here in Soviet Canuckistan since it’s illegal to transport biohazards across the border.

But I’ve had the Evan Williams and it is much more drinkable than the price tag implies.

If you go with “Manhattans”[1] then you can avoid scurvy because of the “cherries”[2].

[1] No vermouth. Drink whiskey, snack on maraschino cherries, ???, Profit!
[2] They are so filled with preservatives that you’re bones will plasticize.

 
 

I grew up with an alcoholic father and grandfather.

My father isn’t a heavy drinker but my grandfather was the archetypical “Drunken Irishman”. I won’t say it killed him, but he’d have probably lived a lot longer without it.

Knowing that, I’ve always kept my drinking in check. I almost didn’t drink at all during the war because I knew how easy it would be to go down that path.

 
 

Evan Williams.

huuuuge fan, here…besides the things that everybody else said, my guidelines are:

1) always have a base: drinking w/out eating is total madness, and can only end badly…
b) hyrdration is important
iii) safety first!*
also, too) everything in moderation*

*these are are ho-bitch rules…not that we are necessarily successful at following them…but the first two are sacrosanct…

 
 

Good on you. You’ve avoided the trap I mentioned, wherein you prove you aren’t like grandpa, until you are.

 
 

also, you can’t go wrong with vodka, soda and lemon and lime wedges…booze, hydration and plenty of vitamin c!

 
 

alcoholism is rampant on both sides of my family…it’s about a 50/50 with who is sucked in and who isn’t…i’m lucky and i hope the son dodges that bullet too, cuz it’s down-right horrific at times…

 
 

Aside on Manhattans: the Grange in Sacramento uses dried cherries in theirs instead of those revolting maraschinos. It’s very nice (though I was content with my blueberry-lemon shrub).

On the drinking tip, my dad’s family has had a lot of trouble handling alcohol well, though my dad was much more careful (and back in the 80s when it was thought that even moderate drinking contributed to heart disease, he gave it all up and has been content). For me, it turns out I don’t much like wine or beer except as ingredients (beer batter/beer cheddar soup? Sure! Wine sauce? Oh mais oui!), and cocktails are not a casual investment, so I tend to treat them as a special occasion goodie.

 
 

and cocktails are not a casual investment, so I tend to treat them as a special occasion goodie.

i am lucky in that free booze after work…

 
 

Whatever you do, don’t combine booze and Tylenol™ (aka Paracetamol, also known as acetaminophen). The line between “helpful” and “kill your liver” is very sharp. Adding booze makes it much worse.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

I make my own maraschino cherries. Rainier cherries macerated in maraschino likker. No preservatives (discounting the booze). Not sweet but tasty.

 
 

I’ve often wondered if I might like a simple maraschino that hasn’t been dyed and suchlike. I know the usual kind make me gag (and the violence of the reaction made me wonder if was something besides the sweetness that nauseated me).

 
 

Whatever you do, don’t combine booze and Tylenol™ (aka Paracetamol, also known as acetaminophen). The line between “helpful” and “kill your liver” is very sharp. Adding booze makes it much worse.

This kinda stuff should be on the labels. It’s a real problem and a good doctor who knew what you were ingesting would say so, but the acetaminophen is over the counter, so?

 
 

I’ve often wondered if I might like a simple maraschino that hasn’t been dyed and suchlike. I know the usual kind make me gag (and the violence of the reaction made me wonder if was something besides the sweetness that nauseated me).

Relevant

 
A Journal of the Plague Year
 

Hmmm…But what about the Tour de France? No crazed wingnut hate for a bunch of furriners in spandex riding Green Party-approved vehicles across Socialist France With an Extra Helping of Hitler?

I’m not sure if I should be relieved with the lack of attention or somewhat slighted…

P.S. OMG LE TOUR IS JUST EVERYTHING AND ALLEZ THOMAS VOECKLER!!!!!!

 
 

Whatever you do, don’t combine booze and Tylenol™

The same goes for alcohol and sleeping pills. Alcohol is actually a poison, it’s just that your liver does a pretty good job of filtering it out.

Anything like Tylenol™ or sedatives that do a number on your liver lets the alcohol poison your system.

 
 

Umm…
Don’t read out loud from books with covers bound in human skin. In fact, don’t touch them. Try not to obsess over past mistakes. There’s an ocean of new ones out there that aren’t going to make themselves. When partying, set yourself up for success. Don’t get drunk in a place that you will have to drive yourself home from. Drunk driving is a classic blunder that doesn’t take much planning to avoid, and often has fatal consequences. Don’t mix any amount of alcohol with driving a motorcycle. Long before it will affect your reflexes and balance, it will affect your judgement, and good judgement is critical to being a live motorcyclist with a full coat of skin. Find a drink that you like, that is bartender proof. I like a sloe gin and orange juice. Any way the bartender mixes this drink will still be drinkable even if they use the cheapest booze and juice from concentrate. Don’t make life decisions in an impaired state. An impaired state includes when you are drunk, depressed, or overtired or even ecstatic with joy. Most life problems will seem easier to cope with, after good exercise, a good meal and a good night’s sleep, if you aren’t getting those, fix that lack first. Be careful what you sign your name to on the internet. Most people won’t care if you made an intemperate comment on a usenet thread ten years ago, but three letter agencies will. A history of posting poorly thought out, emotional comments, can be the sauce that makes everything worse, if you have to endure public scrutiny or a private background check.

 
 

For our favorite blogger Cerb, the comic geek who is also transgendered (even if she’s a DC nerd). Thor and Iron Man discuss the recent gender change.
http://textsfromsuperheroes.com/post/91917486206

 
 

Repetitive Canned Response Hall of Fame

Fucking pathetic. I grudgingly admit that politicians need a degree of message discipline, a sensitivity to PR principles, etc. However, one mark of a true politician is an ability to subtly achieve those goals. A good speaker doesn’t have to memorize a talking point and repeat it verbatim: he or she can rephrase, elaborate, redirect, etc. Ah, but then you’re in “Slick Willy” territory.

The Hall-of-Famers in the video don’t succeed on any level. Their doggedness doesn’t drive their points home: it draws attention away from what little substance there is to hear, and focuses it on the crude strategy. It suggests that the pol cannot do better, or is afraid to try … But in some cases a smugness is apparent (unlike a couple guys, who are really fucking nervous). The attitude — also apparent in supporters looking on, smiling — is that the media’s being beaten at its cynical game; and for this purpose, rote repetition and creepy robotic smiles are just the thing. You don’t talk with liberal media! They’re partisan and they distort stuff.

The sort of twisted freak who likes this behavior in a pol is far, far gone and can’t be reasoned with. Or gets paid to like it. Ugh.

 
 

Don’t mix any amount of alcohol with driving a motorcycle. Long before it will affect your reflexes and balance, it will affect your judgement, and good judgement is critical to being a live motorcyclist with a full coat of skin.

i’m always amazed at the amount of motorcyclists who do drink while they are out tooling around…sometimes they stop in to sit out some weather event, or it’s a club sort of thing where they cruise around and make pit stops along the way, or they just come out for a few drinks and dinner…makes me very, very nervous…but motorcycles do anyway…they are even more dangerous than golf* imo…

*kidding, people…this is a joke…the golf thing, i mean…motorcycles do scare me…

 
 

i’m always amazed at the amount of motorcyclists who do drink while they are out tooling around

Thinning the herd….

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

I tell new riders that the !most important piece of safety gear is between their ears. Motorcycling is liker scuba diving in this respect. Its only slightly inherently dangerous its just that mistakes tend to fatal.

 
 

a bunch of furriners in spandex riding Green Party-approved vehicles across Socialist France With an Extra Helping of Hitler?

They were all in with it when Armstrong was dominating because he was an outspoken right wing douchenozzle faced pukasaurus.

When he was found out to be a backstabbing, lying, cheating piece of shit, the bloggos fell mysteriously silent. I’m sure that somewhere out there, there is a post by someone like Jim Hoft that places the blame for corrupting their golden white boy on Hitler France Obama black NBA players and Sokker.

 
 

He was outed by an Alinskyite reporter:

That conviction – call it a hunch or an intuition – occurred in 1999 and was based on Walsh’s inside knowledge of professional cycling. A young French rider, Christophe Bassons, had written a column for the newspaper Le Parisien in which he suggested that Tour de France riders were taking drugs.

Walsh, who had already had doubts about Armstrong’s astonishing post-cancer performances, noted how Armstrong treated Bassons. He pulled him up during one of the Tour stages and told him he had no right to be a professional cyclist and what he was writing was bad for cycling.

“If Armstrong was anti-doping, Christophe Bassons would have been his friend not his enemy,” said Walsh. “Why bully him?” It confirmed his suspicion that Armstrong, who went on to win that 1999 Tour, was a drug-taker.

It was the beginning of a 13-year journalistic odyssey. In 2001, he confirmed a connection between Armstrong and an Italian doctor, Michele Ferrari, who was under investigation for supplying performance-enhancing drugs to cyclists. Walsh discovered that Armstrong’s name was in hotel registers in the town where Ferrari lived.

He wrote about it. Nothing happened to Armstrong, but in the following years whistle-blowers came forward to provide him with more evidence, notably Armstrong’s masseuse, Emma O’Reilly.

 
 

My big problem with Armstrong wasn’t even that he was doping. I figure just about everyone was probably doing it.

It was how viciously he went after anyone who raised the issue.

 
 

There was a mythology built up around him early on:

In 2005, right after publishing his soon-to-be bestseller, Lance Armstrong’s War, journalist Daniel Coyle was asked, “What’s our biggest misconception about Lance Armstrong?”

Coyle, who had spent more than a year shadowing Armstrong, gave a curious reply: “That he’s a nice guy,” he answered. At the time, this was shocking: Armstrong was regarded as nothing less than a secular saint, a champion and philanthropist who had inspired cancer survivors around the world. He was one of the most beloved athletes in America. Of course he was a nice guy.

In last night’s much-hyped interview with Oprah, the world finally got to see what Coyle was talking about. Sure, he admitted using performance-enhancing drugs to win the Tour de France. But we already knew that. The admission was only a small part of the story, and Oprah dispatched it with her first few questions. (The answers to all of which were “Yes.”) Then things got raw.

“Were you a bully?” Oprah asked. Yes, he was, Armstrong admitted. He was starting to squirm, for the first time in the history of Lance Armstrong interviews. Oprah asked a series of questions that led to: Did he feel in any way as if he were cheating? No, he didn’t. “Scary,” he remarked. Worse than that, it was dumb: He showed no remorse, just chagrin that he’d been caught. He was, as he admitted, a “jerk.”

 
 

Dennis has issues with exclamation marks! They’re super-significant and he’s gifted at divining their secret meanings! You might think people throw them around carelessly (like commas — don’t get me started), but no, they’re a Rorschach test for divining liberals’ flaws!

 
 

Dennis has issues with exclamation marks!

fixxxxed…

 
 

P.S. OMG LE TOUR IS JUST EVERYTHING AND ALLEZ THOMAS VOECKLER!!!!!!

Today’s stage finish was great! I hope Talansky made the finish cut off.

Also, I’m so fucking happy that Contador is out.

 
Pupienus Maximus
 

Also, I’m so fucking happy that Contador is out.

Is he the first pro cyclist to come out? I usually hear about such things at my other internetz haunts.

 
 

Is he the first pro cyclist to come out?

Oh, you!

 
 

Getting back to the discussion about alcohol and other drugs, it was a younger friend who gave up drinking which led me to reconsider my own attitude about alcohol(I rarely drink these days, as it would lead to bleeding ulcers the size of the cockroach that ate Cincinnati before the liver got a chance to get as hard as a cinder block), and as a society, we are still too tolerant of the abuse of alcohol and the problem of alcoholism IMHO.

I came across this William Burroughs quote, it summarizes the issue in a pithy way:

Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use (of-ed) any other drug with special horror.

 
 

Be careful what you sign your name to on the internet. Most people won’t care if you made an intemperate comment on a usenet thread ten years ago, but three letter agencies will. A history of posting poorly thought out, emotional comments, can be the sauce that makes everything worse, if you have to endure public scrutiny or a private background check.

Uh-oh.

 
A Journal of the Plague Year
 

My big problem with Armstrong wasn’t even that he was doping. I figure just about everyone was probably doing it.

Yeah, I used to sigh and say, “Well, it *is* a level playing field…” right up until I read Tyler Hamilton’s book. Yowsa. Nope, using drugs doesn’t level the playing field at all–it just creates a different playing field.

From what I remember, EPO is a fascinating drug. It can’t replace talent and doesn’t automatically augment performance that much (i.e,. I can take all the EPO I want–I can ride up fucking Mont Ventoux with hypodermic needles sticking out of my arm–and more talented cyclists are still going to blow past me.) I will, however, recover better and I will be able to ride through the pain much, much better than anyone not on “glow.”

I don’t recall the medical details, but when blood work is done there is a certain parameter that you don’t want to see higher than 50–that is, if you test at, say, 55, every red flag in the world goes up. Most people will be somewhere in the 40s. EPO can get you right up to 50 and all the improvements that this brings–but if you are naturally a 48, the benefit is going to be much less than for someone who is a 42. So, “glow” helps, but not it doesn’t help everyone to the same degree. So, the playing field is still uneven.

Also, I am reading Cycle of Lies. Lance Armstrong was–quelle surprise!–giving Master Classes in Flaming Assholery from the moment he shot out of the womb. I mean, he is such an awful person that I can’t even muster up any sympathy for the cancer. Just…*shudder.*

 
 

Hustlers of the world, there is one mark you cannot beat: the mark inside.

William S Burroughs

 
Gunlickers, Oldfarts & Plutocrats
 

Dennis has issues with exclamation marks!

fixxxxed…

He doesn’t just have “issues”, he has a “subscription”…

 
 

And just in time to prove your point, G.O.P. …………………..

 
 

teamwork makes the dream work…

 
 

Oh hey, new post.

 
 

How bout a good CurbStomp from furdarul burcati

 
 

“We can learn …that we’re not as great as old, conservative, red-state Americans think we are.”

You could learn that just by learning to read a damn graph. Don’t blame that on football.

 
 
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