Shorter Wes Vernon
Posted on July 14th, 2008 by Gavin M.
Above: Wink, wink!
- Greetings from Whitezorr, the whitest all-white planet of the Mayonnaise Cluster, at the pale, pellucid heart of the Honky Nebula. Um, we are unacquainted with these ‘black people’ of whom you speak.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Whitezorr. Isn’t that just up the road from Straightzorr?
Um, we are unacquainted with these ‘black people’ of whom you speak.
Ya know, I truly think that’s the problem with most of the nuttiest objections to an Obama presidency. To wit, a large number of Our Fellow Real Americans (i.e., white people and especially suburban white people) have never had the opportunity to form any sort of relationship with an actual African-American-type person. Oh, sure, they see black people all the time and maybe even interact with them. But as friends? Business partners? Working on a board or committee towards some sort of positive goal? Never in a million years.
Shit like that’s why Limbaugh can claim that black folks will riot if Obama loses and no one turns a carwash sprayer on his dimpled, cottage-cheese ass. Lots of white folks out there in the suburban wasteland really do think all black folks think with one mind and that mind is Louis Farrakhan. You can’t convince them otherwise, either.
Also, I’m gonna try to talk my band into changing our name to “Honky Nebula”. We’re a country band and I think it’s better than “The Coveralls”.
Ivory … and i-vo-ree
Live together in perfect har-mo-nee
Side by side on my whiteboard, oh Lord…
The all-time best part of the article was where this guy compared the United Nations to “a Tower of Babel.” Insane comparison to biblical imagery? Check!
The next-best part was where they lionized Helms for his dislike for the United Nations. Seriously! If NGOs were high school cliques, the UN would be the A.V. Club or the Mathletes. Only a whitehaired evil clown Jesus freak like the ghoulish Cocoon man above could possibly interpret Helms’s Quixote-like tilting at windmills as a lasting legacy instead of as a national embarassment, a moment when a conspiracy theory webmaster was temporarily appointed to one of our highest offices.
The next best part after that was where they called Woodrow Wilson a “selfish, misguided fool” and how the Senate, in its infinite wisdom, rejected his fourteen points. Which, y’know, had nothing at all to do with the start of World War II…
I like the beginning, where Vernon contemplates writing a whole book lionizing Helms, and the end, where he calls it “ironic” Helms died the same day as Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and James Monroe.
Dude looks like a Batman villain. Are there any righty gasbags who look, like, normal?
Scary looking mug
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Insane “Shorter”
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Some form of racism
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RenewAmerica. Every time.
This confused me for a minute. I was sure you meant the Rev. Al Sharpton.
Then I realized YOU were talking about the perceptions of suburbanites and I was thinking about the traditional media.
I’ve never seen albino roadkill used as a toupee before.
The striped pants boys at the State Department…
Well, twenty-three skidoo, what a boss putdown! That just made my bobby sox roll up and down. I like Ike!
I am, however, certain that it isn’t near the planet Transsexual in the Transylvania galaxy.
I’d like to thank Wes Vernon. When Jesse died, all I could remember about him was that he was a racist fucker – oh and the Pinochet thing. But thank you Wes for reminding me that he had a big role in building up the America Alone – and fuck the rest of the world – movement. How’s that working out again?
Hoosier X,
I probably should’ve included Sharpton and/or Jackson because the whole “blacks do nothing but complain even though they can get everything by screaming ‘racism’ and they get special treatment and they hate work and will steal your fillings if you don’t watch them and make our kids listen to their scary music” meme is pretty strong in the Vanilla Suburbian mindset. Probably stronger, because it exists where white folk do have experience with black folk (i.e., my Mississippi home), but all the nuttiness over Michelle Obama and the terrorist fist jab has keyed me more to the “kill whitey” meme.
You don’t hear much from Farrakhan these days, do you? I wonder why that is, or am I just missing it as I don’t pay much attention to the mainstream media merry-go-round as I used to.
Fear the melanin!
“Honky Nebula”?
I love you.
Lawzy! Where de pre-sanitized biography be at?
Holy crap, & there I thought TASS went out of business – change the names & language & Wes’s little op-ed would be right at home in Pravda, circa 1940.
Yet without him, I’d’ve never recalled the Helms-Burton Act, whaich has done so much pointless damage to the economies & societies of both Cuba & America … OR that he was an olden-days fangirl for the WACL, one of the ugliest gangs of unrepentant Nazi thugs ever to turn their rabid hatred of Bolshevism into big bucks & unearned prestige. Thanks, Wes – you rawk, dude!
I’m constantly amazed at what those people consider to be freedom. The freedom to fear and hate Commies? Check.
On the other hand, we run into scions of presidents and admirals every day.
19 replies? Poor Wes, praising Jesse Helms on the same day as the New Yorker cover that outdoes itself on the sophisticated satire–which is total trash.
Uncompromising anti-Communist
His proof, Owen Lattimore. One of the many symbols of the perverse use of power that made McCartyism such a beloved word. Yeah, I’ll give Wes that one, Jesse was an uncompromising anti-communist, if by anti-communist you mean totalitarian autocrat fluffer.
Loved by anti-Communists worldwide
This time he backs-up his claims that the whole world loved Jesse Helms by citing Congresswoman Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-FL). Here’s the Ros-Lehtinen quote “Senator Helms understood the terrifying nature of dictatorships and was helpful in the cause of freedom for oppressed people everywhere
other than Chile“.No fan of Hollywood politics
Since Wes is defining Hollywood politics as things Jesse Helms was against, it’s hard to argue with this, but I do seem to recall that Ronald Reagan had something to do with Hollywood when he and Jesse were pals.
And then we’re halfway through and Wes gets all teary-eyed for the man who just wanted to shit on the world.
ICC – Fuck that
Comprehensive Test Ban – for lo0zrrrz
Teh UN? – DO NOT WANT! If in times of
darknessone-party Republican rule, the USwantsneeds to behave like a rogue nation, then that’sHalliburton’sour perogative.And finally, the ending:
I’m sorry but post + comments made me laugh way too hard. I need to go to Liberal Attitude Normalization Camp so I can learn not to mock my brethern who are shy about flashing their melanin.
I’m afraid the Honky Nebula is approaching nova.
Even now the ships from the Planet HipHop are circling, their broadcasts corrupting the young, their athletic prowess taking over such bastions as basketball and golf.
And they are remarkably resistant to the Polka Waves.
Ole’ Wes, he smiles like that when his diaper is full…Somebody please change him, can you? Somebody?