Put The Terror In Your Pants
This is just insane.
I know that I keep saying this. I probably say it a few times a week at this point. And each time I say it, I’m always convinced that I’ve hit the insanity apex – that it just doesn’t get any more freakishly out there and insane than the latest thing I’ve seen.
And each time, I’m wrong.
You can now pay to subscribe to a service that will broadcast an endless stream of DHS terrorism alerts and security threats to your cellphone.
People are actually paying money to have a constant stream of “AAAAAH! MUSLAMONAZIS!!!! BOOGA BOOGA!!!” pumped into their ears and scrolled across their phones.
Just read their ad copy:
The threat of additional terror attacks on the U.S. homeland, as well as on American citizens and interests abroad, is very real.
So you should wet your pants RIGHT NOW!!!! BOOGA BOOGA!!!!
Government agencies, intelligence officials and terrorism experts repeatedly warn that more attacks are forthcoming.
In fact, it could be ANY SECOND NOW!!!! ARE YOU SCARED YET??? HEY, IS THAT GUY OVER THERE BROWN?!?!!!?
Each repeatedly warn you to increase your threat awareness and stay informed.
And then WET YOUR PANTS!!!
AlertsUSA gives you an information edge, regardless of your location, with timely notification of substantial terrorist threats, warnings, advisories and other events and incidents of national significance – sent direct to your mobile device.
An information edge? Over what? The excruciating effort it takes to turn on your TV and put the news on?
When did we turn into a nation of inveterate bedwetting hatebags?
For some reason, this reminds me of the Kids in the Hall sketch about a horror writer who strikes it rich with a book whose entire contents are the word BOO.
The sequel was “hey, there’s a spider on your back!”
And in the real world, I rode the subway three times today, and never thought about terrorism.
Sept. 11, 2001
Too bad there was nothing but greedy, soulless opportunists grasping for the reins of power.
An information edge? Over what?
Over your neighbours, who have not been sufficiently farsighted to subscribe to the service. When the hoarding and the looting begin, that little edge could make all the difference. They won’t be laughing at you then!
We’ve always been a nation of “inveterate bedwetting hatebags,” at least in part. These folks are just the witch hunters and Indian exterminators of today.
http://www.instantforgivness.biz/
Subscribers will receive an hourly (fully configurable) message forgiving them of ALL their sins over the previous hour (fully configurable).
Because there isn’t this thing called “the news” that dutifully reports each terror alert the government issues.
The terror is already in my pants.
http://www.damnright.com
Yep. Sure is. You are, a whole lot better than that, y’know?
Damn Right!
That fucking BASTARD!
Once we receive your subscription fee, we will always agree with you, and do all we can to argue to support and reinforce your point.
Never be wrong again…
mikey
Flying Rodent reported on the equivalent UK service, back in January:
http://flyingrodent.blogspot.com/2007/01/duck-and-cover.html
that will broadcast an endless stream of DHS terrorism alerts and security threats to your cellphone.
Oh, great. That’s a helluva lot of left-behind packages, lost briefcases, and dropped jackets to disrupt my day.
When did we turn into a nation of inveterate bedwetting hatebags?
Good question?
I might posit that sometime betwixt 1820-1890 for the country in the main.
But if we are to be looking south of the Mason Dixon line………………..1607.
The hate started with the Indians, then came the Negro’s, the Irish, the Negro’s,the Chinamen, the Negro’s, the Mexicans, the Negro’s, the Italians, the Negro’s, the Slavs, the Negro’s, Scandinavians, not so much, the Germans (Great War), the Negro’s, the Communist’s, the Negro’s, Negro’s, the Germans (other Great War), the Negro’s, the Communist’s, the Negro’s, Negro’s, Negro’s, the remainder of the Native American population, the Females, the Negro’s, Negro’s, the Mexicans, the Negro’s, the Females, Negro’s, Females, Negro’s, Islamofascist’s, liberals, Islamofascist’s, liberals, Islamofascist’s, liberals, AnyThingThatIsn’tWhiteMaleAndRepublican, AnyThingThatIsn’tWhiteMaleAndRepublican, AnyThingThatIsn’tWhiteMaleAndRepublican, AnyThingThatIsn’tWhiteMaleAndRepublican, AnyThingThatIsn’tWhiteMaleAndRepublican, AnyThingThatIsn’tWhiteMaleAndRepublican,
Anyhoo, food for thought.
I can put it on the same shelf with my $150. radiation detector for dirty bombs. And my plastic sheeting (for my windows, not my bed, I ain’t a repub) and duct tape. And my spare prescription of Cipro for anthrx attacks. And my iodine pills for nukular power plant discharges. And my spare ammo and distilled water for Y2K computer dis-booting. Now in my zombie-closet, I keep…
It would be fun to hack into this:
“Brown guy seen climbing over fence in Tuscon”
“White powder found on floor of bakery”
“Pakistani restaurant toilets, closed”
That’s a helluva lot of left-behind packages, lost briefcases, and dropped jackets to disrupt my day.
For only $1,999.99/mo. (basic plan) we offer Platinum Premium OMG Deluxe™. This essential service allows you to place up to three terror alerts monthly to our national database. You will be promptly connected to one of our sympathetic, equally-alarmed agents ($16.99/min)for assessment and a range of tips and directives previously available only to national security professionals . Included in the plan is a personalized text-message from DNI Mike McConnell each time there’s a change in the National Threat Advisory ($24.99/line).
Only a wingnut would sign for this scam. If someone can rip off a wingtard after all they’ve done to this world, that’s fine with me. I’d like to see them offer a package deal that includes Depends.
Now you know why a free Osama is not a mistake. As long as he’s OUT THERE, they can roll in the dough while their enablers roll in fresh Depends.
Oh My FUCKING God! This is brilliant! Please tell me there is an affilliate program for this! Can you imagine the amount of money to be made off of rock stupid GOP losers that will flock to a service like this?
I guess if you’re ashamed of having no actual friends, family, or other loved ones to set off your patriotic ringtone* during business meetings or while you’re speaking to the NRA, paying a commercial service to keep your adrenal glands on ‘vibrate’ is the next best thing…
*Either ‘God Bless the USA’ or that Toby Keith abortion
Ahem….there’s an affiliate program.
God bless capitalism. There is not a single idea out there so disgustingly venal that someone won’t try to profit off it.
I think I’m going to invent a Muslim detector. I’ll come up with some horeshit line about how Muslims have to use a special soap for their pre-prayer ablutions, and there’s a chemical in that soap which my special Muslim Detector keychain can detect in the air. When you are within fifty feet of a Muslim, it’ll start screeching like an air-raid siren.
I’m going to go patent this quick and then retire. Later!
Ahem. I’m here to announce the Executive Terror Islamofruitycommienutcakes Warning WMD Early Warning Terror JumpOutaBedAndRunDownTheStreetInYourJammies Early Terror Service.
Our service is directed at those busy (and extremely wealthy) executives who have far too many responsibilities to be able to listen to their own terrorist warning service.
Simply put, our service is this: we provide someone to listen to your Terrorist Warning Early IslamoWarning Terrorist BrickShaped Early Terrorist Hotline. In the event of a warning, they will:
1) Activate your phone (note that your phone must be in their possession at all times, for our premium service);
2) Listen to the warning;
3) Shriek loudly “Oh, the terror! The terror!”;
4) Spray urine over the floor, desk, and passers-by;
5) Jump out of the window (see our Executive, Premium, Super-Duper Executive, and God Tarrifs for details of cost per storey).
Executive Terror Services: we do everything for the busy executive (except shag your secretary).
I really wish I had a screengrab of the uncle in “One Crazy Summer,” chain-smoking by the radio and waiting for the signal to call in to the station.
Does it vibrate? Because if it goes in my pants, I want it to vibrate.
Put your phone on vibrate, clip the phone to the inside of your belt, pressed up against your bladder, and YOU can be the first among your friends to wet yourself through the terrah alert network.
I dunno. I commute to Manhattan, so this might help me avoid delays. Even bogus, paranoia-fueled terrorism alerts can play hell with the train schedules. Think of it as fear-based traffic reports.
Good idea.
“Suspcious package on the GW Bridge. Ah fuck. Guess I better take the PATH from Journal Square.”
1865. When I was a kid, my city was proud to have a Commissioner of Public Safety who was willing to “keep the niggers in their place”. Because if, like, he didn’t lead regular horseback patrols into “nigger town” to beat down any of them darkies who looked uppity, why, they might sneak into our tighty whitey bedrooms at night and KILL US ALL!
Hatin’ on Teh Negro isn’t politically correct anymore (though everybody does it anyhow — just look at who’s in prison), so folks like the commish needed a new nigger to scare the tighty whities with. What better than suspiciously dusky-skinned “terrorists”?
– Badtux the Bigotry-spottin’ Penguin
I don’t need one of these devices. When the Islamofascists arrive on our shores, I don’t even need to outrun them. I just need to be able to outrun the wingnuts. Which, considering the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Jonah Goldberg, I should be able to do quite easily.
“When did we turn into a nation of inveterate bedwetting hatebags?”
Alien and Sedition Act – June 18, 1798
It’s an Amurikan tradition…
I want this service configured to Wingnuts. Every time Pastor Swank eviscerates the English Language, it beeps. When Instaputz froths at the mouth about ‘Winning’, it jiggles. And when Malkin starts another pointless Jihad, it turns on the sprinkler system and the flood lights. As a bonus, if any Canadian says anything about how well they know America, it starts playing ‘Blame Canada’ from South Park.
(My apologies to any sensible Canadian readers. I heart you guys.)
Living in DC, I subscribed to DC’s email alert service. It’s actually really useful – let’s you know when inclement weather is expected, let’s you know if a metro station has been shut down from heat/water/fire/suspicious package/crack in the rail/etc, so you can plan accordingly, that sort of thing. No terror alerts so far.
The best, however, dates from July 9th and probably should have been a line from Total Recall. This is all it said:
Heat Emergency Plan has been activated. The cooling centers have been opened.
“Brown guy seen climbing over fence in Tuscon”
“White powder found on floor of bakery”
“Pakistani restaurant toilets, closed”
The sad thing is, that’s what these alerts already look like.
Worried about when the next terrorist threat might come? As well you should, as government officials have warned repeatedly that the next attack could come at any time. Don’t waste your time with responsive alert systems that only notify you after the threat has been identified. Instead, for only $99.95 per month, you can receive notifications directly from Al Qaeda itself – well before the threat materializes. Our premiere service guarantees that you’ll receive at least one hour notification prior to any of the massive, civilization-crushing attacks that we have planned against the enemies of Islam. Be the first on your block to know when to get out.
It’s well known that the first to act are the first to survive, before escape routes are clogged or that last gas mask is purchased and time brings certain doom to an inevitability. Now, for a low monthly fee, you can be assured to be the first to know – and to know early enough to act. If you truly love your family, you can’t go without this service.
If you act now, you can sign up for our platinum service for only $149.95 per month – $50 off our regular rate. With this service, not only will you receive email and text message notifications at least one hour before a planned terrorist strike, we will send you via same day mail one piece of lifesaving equipment (delivered prior to attack or your money back). Imagine the security of not just knowing an hour ahead that an attack is coming, but having delivered to you a piece of critical equipment without the need for planning or worry of panic!
Sleep easy America. Al Qaeda has over 20 years experience delivering terrorist acts and is your most experienced source for terror alerts. Why suffer through numerous false alerts when you can get your information from the leader in terror.
Al Qaeda – Because Your Life is the ? of Our Business.
Worried about when the next terrorist threat might come? As well you should, as government officials have warned repeatedly that the next attack could come at any time. Don’t waste your time with responsive alert systems that only notify you after the threat has been identified. Instead, for only $99.95 per month, you can receive notifications directly from Al Qaeda itself – well before the threat materializes. Our premiere service guarantees that you’ll receive at least one hour notification prior to any of the massive, civilization-crushing attacks that we have planned against the enemies of Islam. Be the first on your block to know when to get out.
It’s well known that the first to act are the first to survive, before escape routes are clogged or that last gas mask is purchased and time brings certain doom to an inevitability. Now, for a low monthly fee, you can be assured to be the first to know – and to know early enough to act. If you truly love your family, you can’t go without this service.
If you act now, you can sign up for our platinum service for only $149.95 per month – $50 off our regular rate. With this service, not only will you receive email and text message notifications at least one hour before a planned terrorist strike, we will send you via same day mail one piece of lifesaving equipment (delivered prior to attack or your money back). Imagine the security of not just knowing an hour ahead that an attack is coming, but having delivered to you a piece of critical equipment without the need for planning or worry of panic!
Sleep easy America. Al Qaeda has over 20 years experience delivering terrorist acts and is your most experienced source for terror alerts. Why suffer through numerous false alerts when you can get your information from the leader in terror.
Al Qaeda – Because Your Life is the Heart of Our Business.
Or we could follow Jesse Malkin’s example and marry a shrieking harpy.
Face it, Michelle is only afraid that if she’s forced to wear a burka she won’t be able to dress up like a cheerleader and bounce her pom-poms..
“And there’s meat all over the highway in Mystic, Connecticut.”
Honestly, I wouldn’t mind a phone call if there were an alert in the geographical area I was in. Like tsunami alerts – often I’m on remote beaches or mountains (though they have terrible coverage, the thought counts, right?) and I’d like to know if there was an incident.
But this is the pay-go system, where we ‘pay’ for some private company to tell us what is legally, federally, freely available from the government. Somehow, this is better, that a private company reaps the profit for the government’s work.
The limited reports from the USGS and NOAA are like that. It’s weird.
We R in UR pantz, soilings Ur underWherez!