10 Hilarious Rules For Dating Doug Giles’s Daughters
Doug Giles has a problem:
God, in His providence, has seen fit to bestow upon my wife and me two beautiful girls that we must steward into greatness.
They wanted boys but, as the saying goes, the Good Lord won’t give you any burden you can’t bear.
It has been a blast watching my daughters develop into righteous and rowdy, gorgeous girls.
Rowdy = They yell “woo” whenever happy, excited, their youth minister exhorts them to, etc.
Even though I’m slowly coming to grips with my kids growing up, I’m not throwing out my brain and becoming a hip and groovy dad who curls up in the corner in the fetal position without an opinion regarding their dating life.
This is what cool dads do, is curl up into the fetal position? That sounds more like a clinically depressed dad. “Man, your dad’s the coolest. Lookit ‘im over there, all curled up on the floor like a large infant while we drink his beer and watch pornography. He’s so laid back!”
Yes, seeing that I’m still the Alpha dog of the Giles castle, that I still pay the bills, buy the SUVs, pay for College and secure their condos, then by God, I’m still makin’ the rules. I am Doug Almighty, got that Rico Suave?
Rico Suave? Hip? Groovy? Seriously, dude, how old are the magazines at your doctor’s office? Are you sure he’s still licensed to practice in your state?
[Gavin adds: Alles klar, Herr Kommissar!]
What I’m about to reveal unto you is an attitude-laden afflatus, so … be afraid. Herewith are my 10 commandments for my daughter’s potential boyfriends. Read them and weep.
Oh, I’m weeping all right. Weeping with laughter. My co-workers are looking at me and everything.
1. Thou shall understand that your presence doesn’t make me happy. Young squire, don’t expect me to be giggly when I meet you. As a matter of fact, you’re ruining my life right now. Therefore, don’t try to be cute with me. That stuff may work on my daughter or my wife, but it does not work with me.
I’d probably feel mildly uncomfortable if my girlfriend’s dad was giggly when I met him. Unless he was offering me a smoldering doob, in which case I’d feel awkward in a different, yet easily overcome, sort of way.
3. Thou had better have a life. My wife and I have worked our tails off providing a good life for our girls; therefore, you better have one, Spanky. Let me spell it out for you just in case you don’t get it. You must have something positive going on in that thing you call a life.
Additionally, you must be pursuing said noble goal at Mach2 with your hair on fire. If you’re a slacking, blame-shifting, visionless slug with genital warts who’s waiting for someone to carry them into greatness and who lives by the dictates of his ding dong, then you need to find a girl who doesn’t have a father like me.
You probably ought to save yourself the trouble and find a girl who doesn’t have a father like Doug Giles. I mean, in Commandment No. 3 alone, he made one reference to your penis, one to your masturbating and another to your having a venereal disease. He seems like one of those guys who’d try to rub your shoulders a lot.
3. Thou shall not touch my daughter, or I’ll tear your hands off and you’ll have to “whip the bishop” with a stub. Not only am I not cool with your being around me, I’m sure as heck not down with your touching my daughter. Therefore, when you’re in my space (and in my absence) you’d better treat my daughters with the utmost respect.
He just referred to you masturbating after he’s physically assaulted you.
4. I want eye contact. I want you to see my soul, son. I want to look you in the eye when I communicate things regarding my girls and their lives. So, take the shades off, Hollywood. In addition, if and when I extend my hand, grab it like you mean it. Where I come from, a limp hand shake = limp life, Twinkle Toes. Also, when you’re at my casa, your phone goes on vibrate. I’m sure you’ll like that.
Translation: He wants to call you Pooty-Poot. Also, there’s another reference to your sexual gratification, and he seems intensely interested in the possibility that you might be gay.
5. Thou shall understand that you are a boy talking to a man. Here’s some 411 to meditate upon before you address me. I am at least twice your age. I used to be a drug user/dealer until God zapped me. I’ve been in many fights. I’ve shot at felons. I faced down too-many-to-count charging wild boar. I’ve spent years in Tae Kwon Do. I’ve traveled the planet, planted churches and started businesses.
If I had unlimited access to a time machine, I would travel back in time to 1985 so I could buy some drugs from Doug Giles. I’ve never bought “grass” by the “lid” before, and it would be a lot of fun to tell that story while smoking grass by the lid. But, then again, my friends would probably punch me in the shoulder and make fun of me for buying weed from a narc, so let’s just forget about the whole time-travel thing.
Also, don’t gush around me nor attempt to read me an entry from your journal. I’m not Oprah or one of your metrosexual buddies that you can share all of your inner fears and deepest needs with. I am a Neanderthal.
Again with the gaydar.
6. Thou shall know that our family is old school. Do not even think about approaching me with liberal, hippy, agnostic, atheistic, anti-American or tree humping bull crap. I was raised by country-loving, God-fearing, hard-working, meat-eating, good ole’ Texan parents, and I have zero tolerance for what your long-toothed, rather mannish lesbian sociology teacher at Columbia U programmed you with—you dig?
I always assumed he was raised by one of those awful, husband-and-wife drive-time radio DJs who use outdated slang and make jokes about men trying to fix things or being lazy and women liking to shop. Also, I’m going to count the tree-humping comment as another reference to your sexual gratification.
7. Thou shall know that I like cool and expensive gifts and you shall provide unto me this bounty, if you’re smart … For example; I like high quality cigars (nothing below a 90), Johnnie Walker Blue Label, Chimay Grand Reserve, books on hunting Africa and old British double rifles. I also like original art work, R&B and classic rock compilations, collecting skulls, hunting and big game fishing trips, antique Christian and Classic books, custom choppers and early twentieth century African safari memorabilia.
Who are these wealthy adult men who want to court and spark his teenage daughters? Derbyshire?
8. Thou shall understand that if you’re dumb enough to tell me a dirty joke, I’m comfortable enough with kicking your butt. I’m not one of your thug buddies you can go down the gutter with. I want maturity when you are around my family.
…said the guy who barely makes it through one paragraph without snapping you in the ass with a towel.
9. Thou shall keep your word. If you say you’re going to do something, then I expect you to do it. You see, I’m looking for stability/reliability for my ladies, and keeping your word in the smallest matters tells me that you’re ahead of the pack and at least a consideration, in my mind, for our support.
This is actually pretty reasonable advice, although his specific word choices reveal a sexualized need to control everything around him. He reminds me of one of those “hands-on” youth league coaches who’s always trying to show guys how to position their hips.
10. Thou shall do these three things: 1) Look good. Do not come into my house with earrings, a grill, or over sized pants with your butt cleavage hanging out. 2) Read. If I have to talk to you, you had better know as much about as many things as possible. 3) Serve. I’m looking for a sacrificial dude who doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty in helping around the house, in our community, in our nation and with our wonderful world. If you, young man, obey all the words written here, then and only then will you have a chance with my babies. Now, go get me a beer.
Why, I think he plans to date these boys himself!
I’m assuming the beer in question is Olympia.
Is his daughter Lindsey Lohan?
Bean-O would help with that attitude-laden afflatus.
What’s so sad is that each daughter Giles is probably going to go down like Arbusto on her Michael Sweet lookalike, maybe even lend a little pinky in the ass in exchange for his spending good money on Johnnie Walker Blue Label and turning down Columbia U for Liberty Clown College.
What with the rifles, African hunting books, “Look good,” “grab it like you mean it,” etc., I’m also sensing a NAMBLA version of “The Most Dangerous Game.”
So……if you want to date Doug Giles’ daughters, you have to pay him for the privilege? Not in cash, obviously, as that would be crass – but in expensive gifts?
Does Giles think his daughters are paid escort girls? ‘Cause that’s just creepy.
son, do my daughter wrong and I’ll snap into you like a slim jim-
doug “macho-man” giles
Ah, Doug Giles and his anxious masculinity. Could his secret yearnings be any less secret?
Shorter Doug Giles:
I am my daughters’ pimp. Keep me happy.
Also: Johnnie Walker Blue? Dude, it’s still blended, no matter how much extra they charge pretentious weenies like you for it. Try a single malt, if you’re so keen to prove what a sophisticated and classy drinker you are.
My Asshole-o-meter (the good kind–Krups, in the titanium) broke reading this. I’m sending S,N! the repair bill.
There was once an episode of The Defenders, unusually comic in tone, in which a man was murdered, it turned out, not by one of his ex-wives, but by all of them, Orient Express-style.
I foresee this fate befalling this Giles fellow. His daughters, their boyfriends, his wife: all culpable, and all excused on grounds of justifiable assholecide.
why do I get the feeling that Doug likes to look at his daughter’s boy band CD covers when nobody’s looking?
Shorter Doug Giles:
I spent my youth getting the shit beat out of me, therefore I sincerely hope I get the chance to beat up a teenager to get back at those bullies.
I was raised by country-loving, God-fearing, hard-working, meat-eating, good ole’ Texan parents
…and promptly became a weed-selling ninja dopefiend.
What’s so sad is that each daughter Giles is probably going to go down like Arbusto on her Michael Sweet lookalike
I don’t know why you would say that. Everybody knows that teenage girls are solely the victims of their male counterparts’ depraved sexual advances and never have an sexual urges of their own. That’s why abstinence-only education works so well.
His hero George Bush would make an entirely unsuitable date. Lazy, shiftless, paws men’s heads, pads his crotch, can’t read, and gives pardons to convicted criminals.
Man, I can’t wait to see the screening tests his daughter’s therapists are going to have to go through.
First, I don’t think I ever went around buying “gifts” for the father of any woman I ever dated. Does he think he’s too good for chocolates and flowers?
Second, if the kid can’t tell him a dirty joke, what the hell are they supposed to talk about while sitting around, smoking cigars, drinking hooch and listening to the Grand Funk Railroad box set?
Third: “I still secure their condos” – What?
Fourth, this – “I like books on hunting Africa and old British double rifles and early twentieth century African safari memorabilia” – makes me think of this
Uh, Doug. Not that I can speak on behalf of your daughters but in my experience teenage girls tend to not like it if their father puts conditions on their relationships. That and they tend to do the opposite of what their parents order them to do. And teenage boys tend to think that they can get away with anything. Add together that no parent can monitor his child 24/7 leads me to the conclusion that you know jack all about parenting adolescents. Oh and seriously, the boyfriend who after reading your list, buys you gifts and gets you a beer? That would be the guy I would watch.
Doug Giles: he may not know Karate, but he does know Ka-razy.
He obviously intends for his daughters to remain lifelong virgins. But don’t all fundie whack jobs?
What an ass.
Doug also has ’10 Commandment’ lists for various other items that are his personal property, like his SUVs, his guns and his wife.
“I am Doug Almighty.”
Dude, shut the fuck up. Seriously. I bet you anything his children are mortified that this asshole is pimping out their cooters in print. “You see, I’m looking for stability/reliability for my ladies”…hey, wait, asshole, you don’t get to decide who your daughters date anymore. Bless their hearts, the only guys they’ll be “allowed” to date are yay-hoos psychotic enough to suck up to their looney dad. How black does your heart have to be to see Doug Giles as someone you want to impress?
My rule is never to date anyone whose father can’t count to ten without making a mistake.
Did Doug write these rules from experience? What kind of boys have his rowdy little raggamuffins been bringing home? Are they dating america hating, god denying,dirty joke telling,lazy, no goal having, limp wristed, Columbia U nancy boys because they want to torment their dad or because they are trying to follow in mom’s footsteps?
11. Don’t be stingy with the head, junior. If you’re going to take up space in this house, you’re going to leave with the tile pattern from my bathroom floor imprinted on your hairless little kneecaps, hot shot. That’s right, this prospective pops-in-law expects BJs while on the can. All the Johnny Walker Blue loosens up the bowels, too, so be ready to follow me down the hall every time I stand up and grab one of my dog-eared Left Behind paperbacks. And I don’t mean faggoty, gentle-lipped head like you gave your bunkmate at your kiked-up sleepaway camp. My old life as a dope-dealing felon left me with a taste for prison-style head–lots of teeth and hate. If you can treat three inches of God’s finest properly, and if you swallow my fetid load without gagging, I might let you use more than one square of toilet-paper to clean off my asshole.
“I was raised by country-loving, God-fearing, hard-working, meat-eating, good ole’ Texan parents
…and promptly became a weed-selling ninja dopefiend.”
Principal Blackman, I was hoping someone else would catch that. (Actually, that’s a lie, I was hoping I’d be the first. Nice catch anyway.) I also love how he portrays himself as a hard-fightin’, boar-wrestlin’ good ol’ boy…but don’t you dare give him an inadequate cigar! How gauche!
This is what will really happen:
His daughters will hide EVERYTHING from him and his wife and end up getting in more trouble then if he was a reasonable man who accepted that teens aren’t the smartest buggers in the world, but can be gently guided into what good, respectable behavior towards his daughters (and women in general). Sad that he is perpetuating some poor boy bribing him with tobacco and booze.
how sad. I feel sorry for his daughters.
Wow, this really is an unintentionally funny glimpse into the authoritarian soul. Gaze there, kiddies! There’s no way in hell this guy’s daughters are having much of a social life until they leave home.
“For example; I like high quality cigars (nothing below a 90), Johnnie Walker Blue Label, Chimay Grand Reserve, books on hunting Africa and old British double rifles.”
And he’s calling me metrosexual???
“If you’re a slacking, blame-shifting, visionless slug with genital warts who’s waiting for someone to carry them into greatness and who lives by the dictates of his ding dong, then you need to find a girl who doesn’t have a father like me.”
Holy Freud, Batman! My “Projecting-dar” just lit up like Times Square on New Years Eve! “slug with genital warts”? Notwithstanding that he seems to believe that he has this ability to control who his daughters date (maybe if they’re 13, sure) but I think I can sum up the rest of the seven “Commandments” (Whooop! Whooop! Inadaquicy issues at 3 o’clock low, captain!) : “Don’t let on that you’re banging my daughter, and we’ll get along just fine.”
“Also, don’t gush around me nor attempt to read me an entry from your journal. I’m not Oprah or one of your metrosexual buddies that you can share all of your inner fears and deepest needs with. I am a Neanderthal.”
The enemy is forming a defensive posture. He is clearly scared, and un-learned in the ways of modern life, and is regressing to primal, aggressive instinct to compensate.
“6. Thou shall know that our family is old school. Do not even think about approaching me with liberal, hippy, agnostic, atheistic, anti-American or tree humping bull crap. I was raised by country-loving, God-fearing, hard-working, meat-eating, good ole’ Texan parents, and I have zero tolerance for what your long-toothed, rather mannish lesbian sociology teacher at Columbia U programmed you with—you dig?”
Uhhhh… didn’t he just admit to being a drugged up, bar-fighting loser* just a few short paragraphs ago? Why is HE allowed to be one, but young Galahad is not?
“7. Thou shall know that I like cool and expensive gifts and you shall provide unto me this bounty, if you’re smart … For example; I like high quality cigars (nothing below a 90), Johnnie Walker Blue Label, Chimay Grand Reserve, books on hunting Africa and old British double rifles…”
Oookay, I think this is what conservatives believe qualifies as a “funny article”. Rome demands tribute of cigars, booze, and guns? So we can extract from this that he believes that Squire is at least 25 years old, and presume his daughters are of the same age. Which brings us back to the whole, “I control my daughters lives, regardless of age”, thing.
“3) Serve. I’m looking for a sacrificial dude who doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty. Young man, obey, then go get me a beer.”
Fixed.
It’s like he watched “Meet the Parents”, and decided to base his life around it.
*Like the anti-thesis of Mikey, who is actually really cool and not insane. Much.
I just went to the netherworld and got a look at Almighty Doug.
That skinny loser couldn’t beat an egg, let alone a Columbia student (played them in rugby, they’re not bad).
That’s the great thing about martial arts runts–their overconfidence.
Once they tag you with that first punch or roundhouse kick and you’re still standing there grinning at them, well, let’s just say it’s a funny moment.
Then, after you’ve gotten them on the ground where their “arts” are useless and begun systematically punching the shit out of them, they get all weepy and “Why, god?” on you.
I’m not normally an aggressive type (except on the pitch), but when I read something so patently insane it gets my back up.
Doug Giles, beware. A thick skull and a good tackle will render your “commandments” moot.
I just wish I was 15 years younger so I could fuck his world…and his daughters.
I’m assuming the beer in question is Olympia
Now, don’t be hatin’ on the Vitamin O. Where I come from (eastern Washington), at age 16 or 17 you proved your manhood by pounding down more Oly stubbies than your buddies. It was cheap beer, but the best tasting of the bottom-barrel Northwest brews.
Pre-1981, that is, before Olympia changed its brewing formula in a misguided attempt to give it a European flavor. All they managed to do was make it taste worse than either Heidelberg or Lucky Lager, which had to have taken some doing.
I’ve spent years in Tae Kwon Do
That’s that South Korean island right nex to Cheju-do, right?
I’ve spent years in Tae Kwon Do
That’s that South Korean island right next to Cheju-do, right?
Karla Marx —
Actually, having babies is the only thing that makes a fundie wife’s life worth living (well, that and serving their husbands) so he can’t want them to stay virgins. They might make that choice on their own after reading what he’s written here, though. I was thinking that if I ever want to try to turn my daughter into a lesbian I might cut and paste his screed into a blog of my own.
Also, #6 and number 10.2 contradict each other – he wants the kid to read and learn a lot and be able to discuss things, but not anything that he, Doug, would find strange or threatening.
I bet a dollar Doug is a homeschooler.
“I just wish I was 15 years younger so I could fuck his world…and his daughters.”
Actually, I don’t think I saw an age prohibition in there…and as someone pointed out above, it’s probably better that you’re older so you can buy him creepy, creepy presents.
Come on, we’re all counting on you here! Don’t make me start up a petition on draftcomsympinko.com!
Wait, thuggishness is listening to dirty jokes, but beating someone bloody for his fashion sense is proper behavior?
Yet Another Shorter:
Ya know – I am a minister: Kinda like a cross between Reverend Shaw Moore and Lord John Whorfin; catch my drift Peach?
ohmifukingahd
Actual comment on this column over at townhall;
“I am the Father described here. You would look funny trying. My 2 almost adult girls warn all potential “suitors” of the danger involved. I am mean, cruel and very violent. I also love my family beyond anything you have ever known. Proceed at your own risk.”
Wow.
Proudly physically abusive, and…. maybe sexually?
At the very least, you know he took them to those creepy Father-Daughter Chastity Balls.
Ok. If I understand this, what he really wants for his daughters is to enjoy the brief happiness of their youth by spending it with a mindless, thoughtless YR drone who doesn’t have an idea, can’t have an opinion and is terrified of blowhards with daughters. My advice to any boy who wants to date the girls? Get the nuclear exchange outta the way right away. When you meet him, tell him he looks hot, ask him if he’s read the latest Chomsky, tell a tranny joke, refer to Condi as a nappy headed ho, give him a bottle of Safeway Brand “Scotch”, the one with the yellow label, and rip a great big fart. Now the fun can begin.
Oh, and Doug. Little note for you. Things do not make you cool or tough. Not SUVs, not houses, not guns. Any asshole can have things, right? Cool is a matter of who you are, what you do and how you interact with all the good and bad things in the world. Tough is matter of accepting and owning your fear and wading in anyway. Threatening imaginary teenage boys is just embarrassing. You’re pretty much hopeless, by the look of things, but think about it ‘sparky’. Ok?
mikey
Y’know, I just got back on Sunday from a ten day safari in Northern S.A, Zambia and Botswana. I thought I’d mosey on over to clashradio to see what Dougy got up to over there. Sure enough, there are a bunch of pictures of him kneeling behind a Kudu he shot, with a bunch of Zebra pelts behind him.
So, this. Firstly, South Africans are generally *appalled* at people who want to shoot big game, and are even *more* appalled if they want to mount the heads as trophies. Secondly, both the Kudu and the Zebra (especially on the private game reserves, which is where you have to go to shoot these things) are nothing like North American deer who run at the slightest sound. You can drive your land rovers up to within 10 feet of them before they’ll amble slowly away because your Paco Rabanne scent only then begins to offend them.
The only thing “sporting” about shooting big game in Africa is the woody that Doug no doubt was sporting as he drank a cup of blood while fantasizing about wearing the skin on his nude body.
Seriously, *big game hunting*?!?!? In this day and age? Jesus.
Jake H–
Brilliant. I take off my hat to you and I eat it, sir.
I bet his daughters are already crack whores. Do I know them?
“Also: Johnnie Walker Blue? Dude, it’s still blended, no matter how much extra they charge pretentious weenies like you for it. Try a single malt, if you’re so keen to prove what a sophisticated and classy drinker you are.”
Everyone knows that you can use a single malt scotch if you plan to mix it with gatorade – only a blended will do.
I especially like how uberChristian Doug Giles takes God’s name in vain in the second paragraph. Hey Doug, moat, beam, got it?
Holy Shit.
He sounds like a jealous lover,not a father. What’s scary is I’m not sure who he’s more jealous of,his daughters or their potential boyfriends.
That’s more than creepy,it’s really pretty fucking sick. I knew a girl in high school with a dad like this nitwit,turns out she spent alot of time fending off daddy’s sexual advances and didn’t always succeed.
How common ARE total idiots like Doug at Townhall.com ? I mean, if he is anywhere close to being serious, he’s pathetic, a tool, and sadistic all at the same time.
Do not come into my house with earrings, a grill, or over sized pants with your butt cleavage hanging out.
Gee, Doug, could you throw in a couple more racial codewords there?
At the very least, you know he took them to those creepy Father-Daughter Chastity Balls.
I first read about those things about a year ago, and I’m still scarred by the experience. How utterly fucking creepy those things are.
Doug Giles:
Rex:
Yeah, I’ve seen these idiotic “Ten Commandments About My [insert piece of property here; doesn’t matter, it’s all about my penis anyway]”.
Thing is, this derivative tripe isn’t even ABOUT his daughters, much less how much he “loves” them. It’s all about him—more specifically, all about his big swingin’ macho dick. The girls? Like probably everything else in his existence, they’re paraphernalia to prop up his sad, sad pervo ego. How totally not unusual.
“Gosh, sir, I’m glad you clarified all these things for me. I especially appreciate the fact that you have two Commandments Number 3. I have to say, sir, that I greatly admire the blustering asshole persona that you have assumed in writing this masterpiece of wit. I especially like the part in the Second Commandment 3 about the ‘slacking, blame-shifting, visionless slug with genital warts who’s waiting for someone to carry them into greatness.’ Don’t worry, sir. I promise I’ll never wait for you to carry my genital warts into greatness. Now if you’ll excuse me, sir, I’ll just go out to the car and get those expensive cigars and the skulls I brought for you.” (Sound effects: footsteps, door opens and closes, rapid footsteps, car door slams, engine starts, screech of tires, rapidly fading down-doppler engine sound)
I suspect one of these dialogues in his future:
Pastor Doug Giles: Where did you get that?
Mindy Giles: From my job.
Pastor Doug Giles: Don’t lie to me. Now, I saw you with him.
Mindy Giles: You were watching me?
Pastor Doug Giles: What did he make you do?
Mindy Giles: Oh, Dad, you don’t really think that me and Mr. Burnham were…
Pastor Doug Giles: Don’t you laugh at me. Now, I will not sit back and watch my only daughter become a cock-sucker.
Mindy Giles: Jesus, what is it with you?
Pastor Doug Giles: I swear to God, I will throw you out of the house and never look at you again.
Mindy Giles: You mean that?
Pastor Doug Giles: You’re damn straight I do. I’d rather you were dead than be a fuckin’ whore.
Mindy Giles: You’re right. I suck dick for money.
Pastor Doug Giles: Girl, don’t start.
Mindy Giles: Two thousand dollars – I’m that good.
Pastor Doug Giles: Get out.
Mindy Giles: And you should see me fuck. I’m the best piece of ass in three States.
Pastor Doug Giles: Get out. I don’t ever want to see you again.
Mindy Giles: What a sad old man you are.
I am a Neanderthal.
You know, poopsie, they’re the extinct ones.
And it’s “thou shalt,” not “shall.” It’s in the Bible, crack it open sometime.
Yeah, Porrofatto, but I had some sympathy for ol’ Frank Fitts.
collecting skulls,
Ummmm, this gives me pause. Somebody wanna check the basement for fresh digging?
Commandment #11: And I swear to you, if you come into my house and I see that you have a piereced cock, we’ll have some words, mincey Lancey Pretty-Boy.
Commandment #12: We have sauna time at 1 every Saturday. If you stop by the house and my daughters aren’t home and you manage to find the key under the Jesus Will Kick Your Ass mat on the side porch and find the sauna room on the second floor just past the upstairs bathroom, you better not bother me by knocking twice, then once, then twice more.
This reminds me of trumpeter Randy Brecker’s standard contract rider, somehow.
11. Any of you homos call me “Francis” i’ll fucking kill you.
Lighten up, Francis.
Sounds like sensible policies for a happy household. It’s wonderful when a father has an active and healthy interest in his children.
I guess by “takes a healthy interest in his children” you mean “can’t stop talking about their boyfriends’ cocks”.
I can’t be the only one who’s thinking of Burt Johnson (Jill Eikenberry’s father) in Arthur.
“You must have really hated that moose, Mr. Giles!”
“Forget about the moose!”
Jay B. said,
July 6, 2007 at 0:39
Commandment 12a – Bring some meth.
Sorry… I should have said…
“Forget about the moose, Hollywood!”
He shot at felons? And didn’t hit them? Not too good. Those annoyed felons are liable to shoot back, and then Pastor Giles would have to change his underalls. Or maybe when he says ‘shot at’ he doesn’t mean with a gun.
You absolutely, positively know that his daughters are going to be the ones in college that do the dumbest shit out of everyone in the dorm. You know, like try to chug a fifth of Admiral Nelson’s fine rum? Or wear the skankiest crap to parties?
And why is he so uppity about himself? Because he has a blog? Or is it because he’s gotten into trouble, just like the rest of us?
Being an overbearing, christian alpha-male is a great way to keep your daughter virtuous. Just ask Bill McCartney.
I don’t see what you people are so worked up about. The guy is quite open about how he sees himself and his daughters; the rest is just negotiating price.
Sounds like sensible policies for a happy household. It’s wonderful when a father has an active and healthy
incestinterest in his children.Uh, Doug. Not that I can speak on behalf of your daughters but in my experience teenage girls tend to not like it if their father puts conditions on their relationships. That and they tend to do the opposite of what their parents order them to do
No joke. I’d put down money that those girls will be doing lines of coke off of the starting Quarterback’s cock 2 weeks into high school.
“For example; I like high quality cigars (nothing below a 90), Johnnie Walker Blue Label, Chimay Grand Reserve, books on hunting Africans and old British double rifles.”
Fixed his typo.
And finally…
Yes, Pastor Giles, well, we’re very sorry you feel that way. But we simply
wanted a block of flats. Thank youuuu….
PDG: And I catch any scent of my daughters’ pussy juice on your fingers, Tonto, it’ll be–
Thank youuuu….
This thread is useless without pics.
high quality cigars (nothing below a 90)
He could at least have NAMED one or two. Methinks I could slip him a Garcia y Vega and tell him it’s a 92. Wait, that didn’t sound right.
Chimay Grand Reserve
Isn’t that Frenchy Belgian shit? The beer in a wine bottle, next to the one with the devils rowing canoes through the sky? What the fuck is wrong with AMERICAN BEER, asswipe? You know, High Life, the FUCKEN CHAMPAGNE of beers? Christ.
I like…and old British double rifles.
Ahh, jeezus, pretentious dumbfuck hillbilly cracker. In ..700 Nitro, no doubt. I’ve got a 14″ T/C Contender in .35 Remington. Equally impractical, but I spent about 12 thousand dollars less on my indulgence and I can buy ammunition for less than eight bucks a round.
Is it even likely that this clown can afford to collect/acquire Purdeys and H&Hs? Somehow, unless the wife comes from money, I kind of doubt it…
mikey
“[T]wo beautiful girls that we must steward into greatness.”
Oh, I can’t wait to see that. Does he have their pictures up on Adult Friend Finder yet?
Greatness, my ass. I’m guessing he’s got some “chrch planting” scam going on where his “hunting” trips to Africa are paid for by suckers back home, who think they’re bringing Jeezis to pagan savages.
More greatness: “[W]aiting for someone to carry them into greatness and who lives by the dictates of his ding dong[.]” Is this the neo-con greatness wherein we build a lot of statues and monuments to how great we are? Maybe Pastor Doug would like “Spanky” to sculpt him a monument to right-thinking Christianity, along with the Scotch & cigars.
dudes! click on the link and check out the awesome picture he drew to accompany this article! i am not joking!
I should ask Doug if his daughters are into older men…
10 easy rules for dating my hypothetical children:
1. Do not be a Republican.
2. Do not be a libertarian.
3. Do not be a racist or sexist.
4. Do not be a fundamentalist.
5. Do not be an objectivist.
6. Do not consider Neanderthal Man the pinnacle of manhood.
7. Do not be proud of how ignorant you are.
8. I don’t want to hear anything about whatever you do to my children.
9. I don’t want to hear anything about whatever my children do to you.
10. Do not be a whammy.
Of course, this will result in a rebellious child dating all of these one day, but hey, that’s life.
Anyone else notice that Doug looks eerily like the Onion’s “my brother died that way” guy?
How old are his daughters, anyway? High school kids?
Wouldn’t they be dating other high school kids? Does he really expect a high school junior or senior to bring him some liquor and tobacco?
Or does he think his girls are out trolling for some 20-30 year old guys?
Fun fact: Doug is a charter member of the Super Adventure Club.
Psst. I think that was a typo on Travis’ part…
Big money big money no whammies…STOP!
D’oh! A Whammy!
This is the most intimidating, emasculating thing I have ever read in my life.
…is exactly what I would be saying if it were nailed to my front door instead of posted on the internet by a person who seems to have spent his daughters’ childhoods glued to the TV, watching and gleaning dialogue from cheesy action films.
Every time I read Doug Giles “Macho Man” starts playing in my head.
One final thought; this really is an expression of impotence. I think his daughters are probably in college. The condos line suggests they live entirely out of his control.
This is basically a poodle yapping.
Man this guy has a serious case of assholism. He needs to go to the nest Assaholics Anonymous meeting.
I have always found that the more … overbearing … the father, the more his teen girls love to party and get laid. I suppose he does a hymen check after every date? Gilles makes one thing very clear, women are property and have no right to a life of their own. His girls are NEVER horny…
And the poor mom, sneaking her girls onto the pill behind his back so they won’t get knocked up, because she knows what they’re up to. Mom remembers the close calls she had herself, screwing all the big black studs when she was 16 and later fervently praying that she gets her period.
I was the horny teenage boy sniffing ’round after that sweet teenage girl juice. Now I, too, have two young girls and someday I’ll be dealing with the teen boys at the door trying so hard to NOT look like they want to scerw the crap out of the girls…
Does this guy even exist? I thought maybe it was all a horrible stereotype, and nobody was THAT fucking nuts. I mean, not to your face.
Also: Johnnie Walker Blue? Dude, it’s still blended, no matter how much extra they charge pretentious weenies like you for it. Try a single malt, if you’re so keen to prove what a sophisticated and classy drinker you are.
Hey now, as a confirmed single malt drinker, I can say that the making of fine blends is an entirely admirable pastime, and a good blend can be a work of art as enjoyable and worthy as a single malt. I wouldn’t pay $3,000 of Doug Giles’ money for a Baccarat decanter of JW Blue, mind you, but I have respect for the masters of the blend.
My dad might have wingnuttish tendancies from time to time, but thank fucking God he was never, ever, ever a fucking creepy douchebag to any of my boyfriends. As far as he was concerned (and still is, I suppose, although I’m married now so it doesn’t, you know, come up), if I liked them enough to date them, then that was fine, they’re probably perfectly decent boys.
Crazy, I know!
One final thought; this really is an expression of impotence. I think his daughters are probably in college. The condos line suggests they live entirely out of his control.
Yeah, I would love to be a fly on the wall when one of his daughters sends him a postcard from Morocco explaining that she and Demba are very happy and will be settling in with his family in Senegal after their honeymoon.
Pre-1981, that is, before Olympia changed its brewing formula in a misguided attempt to give it a European flavor. All they managed to do was make it taste worse than either Heidelberg or Lucky Lager, which had to have taken some doing.
Man, I’ve puked up all three of those beers and it is a hard choice which is worse. At least Lucky Lager had the puzzles in the caps.
Also: Johnnie Walker Blue? Dude, it’s still blended, no matter how much extra they charge pretentious weenies like you for it. Try a single malt, if you’re so keen to prove what a sophisticated and classy drinker you are.
Giles doesn’t drink single malts because he trips over his tongue trying to pronounce proper nouns like Laphroaig.
Does this guy even exist? I thought maybe it was all a horrible stereotype, and nobody was THAT fucking nuts…
For the last dozen or so years I’ve been wondering the same thing about a large fraction of the population of this country.
I thought Jenna and Not Jenna already proved what an authoritarian father will do for young, womanly virtue. Why do we need to learn it again? Oh, yeah, right, Giles probably still has codpiece fantasies.
Chimay Grand Reserve
you are kidding me, the beer Belgians make for non Belgians to get pissed up on. If he drinks this rgularly, its no wonder he can’t tell his daughters from whores.
[…] Health Centre! • Let’s play Guess the Criminal’s Race! • Meet Curtis Allgier • 10 Hilarious Rules For Dating Doug Giles’ Daughters • Ten ways to be a good “friend” • 5 Things Girls Need To Know About Guys And Tits […]
Oh god, it’s trackback spam!
That guy is such a pussy. I fucked his daughters both. In the ass.
His wife gave me head, not great head, but head.
But Tiger Woods’ wife is hot. hubba hubba.
Thank god for teenage rebellion.
I find it discouraging that he also likes Chimay.
Well, let’s see,
I am at least twice your age. I used to be a drug user/dealer until God zapped me.
but,
I was raised by country-loving, God-fearing, hard-working, meat-eating, good ole’ Texan parents
who evidently raised you so upright and good that, soon as you could, you became a dope fiend and a dealer. Great jorb, Grandpa and Grandma Giles! Your silly, sorry sonny-boy’s a self-confessed junkie and a big-time felon! Gosh, aren’t you proud?
Thou had better have a life. My wife and I have worked our tails off providing a good life for our girls; therefore, you better have one, Spanky.
I suggest selling drugs, lads. Sell them like your hair’s on fire. That way, when you desire to take one of those hot Giles girls out for a spin, you’ll have plenty of cash with which to bribe Daddy, their brand-name-dropping, luxury-loving, Scotch-sipping pimp.
You know that feeling, when you see somebody else caught up in something really cringe-worthy, how you too end up cringing in sympathy? I do feel sorry for the little Giles-ettes. Surely this simpleton’s innocent offspring didn’t deserve this kind of embarrassment. And while I’ve always found it a bit weird how when women get married they usually change their last name to their husband’s name. in this case it’ll surely be a relief and a blessing.
No one in Scotland drinks Johnnie Walker.
It’s what you use to bribe people in third world countries.
Oh, wait…
I have zero tolerance for what your long-toothed, rather mannish lesbian sociology teacher at Columbia U programmed you with—you dig?
Heh. My previous boss got his master’s in sociology from Columbia, and I have a feeling that he’d drop Doug Giles in a bar fight.
I don’t even want to mention the department head, with his sociology Ph.D. from UC Berkley and his collection of black belts and medieval weaponry…
“Hip and groovy?” This dipshit makes Ayatollah Sistani look “hip and groovy.”
Oh my dog, I knew girls with fathers like this. They were pure entertainment, because they needed so badly for a man to be around to tell them what to do that they would take orders from just about any man. Even if the order was “let me and my friend double-team you.” These daughters will have to be surgically extracted from stripper poles before they’re old enough to drink.
Meanwhile, the girls are waiting for the first thing with a cock and a car to get them as far the FUCK from Mr. Self-Consciously “Alpha Dog” as is humanly possible.
I read some of the comments before I got bored and clicked back out of it.
My favorite was the response by one guy to another commenters’ speculation what Doug would do if one of his daughters’ suitors politely and reasonably called him on the bullshit.
Second guy said that the correct response would be to threaten to shoot the young man. (I’m paraphrasing)
These guys are truly a case of overcompensation. They’re looking in the bathroom mirror the morning after, daydreaming about what they SHOULDA told that guy at the bar last night.
dude – odds are your precious little ladies aren’t well who you think they are given your outstanding jerkness- here’s an idea listen to Mommy’s little monster by Social Distortion about 150 times you’ll get the idea.
Second – anybody who boasts about their martial arts training has a) missed the damn point of martial arts training and b) looking to get his ass whiped by the first street fighter he runs into. I took Tae Qwan Do under a real master – (former Korean commando even) and he’s tear you down in a second the moment you started gettting cocky about your abilities – normally by showing you just how much you didn’t know.
I do feel sorry for the girls – what a jackass.
It is awesome how Doug Giles is so completely insecure in his masculinity that he’s created this absurd cartoon persona for himself. Actually going on safaris isn’t manly enough, so he collects safari memorabilia? Who does that? And skulls, WTF?
I can’t believe no one has commented on his “Lord of the Flies”-esque self portraits over at his art (I use that term loosely) site. What a warrior…
Wait, I’ve seen this guy in the movies. Four Friends. Elope, kiddos, elope.
“Read them and weep?”
Doug, if you knew your writing was that bad, why on earth would you publish it?
This makes me long to go to his hometown, stalk, and then seduce his daughters. Preferably I would get a nice little incestuous threesome going, talk them into videotaping a hawt bondage session (maybe some daughter/daddy play, if I could manage to keep a straight face) and then mailing him the dvd.
I think I’d package the dvd up as some sort of ‘inspirational documentary’ sent to him for review.
What a bozo.
OK.it’s bad enough to like hunting Africa and old British double rifles,but this guy likes books on hunting Africa and old British double rifles.Who the fuck does this guy think he is the fundie Ernest Hemingway?And what a turn with the rectacular aphorisms.A true TWAT!
Ted said,
July 5, 2007 at 22:13
Karla Marx –
Actually, having babies is the only thing that makes a fundie wife’s life worth living (well, that and serving their husbands) so he can’t want them to stay virgins. They might make that choice on their own after reading what he’s written here, though. I was thinking that if I ever want to try to turn my daughter into a lesbian I might cut and paste his screed into a blog of my own.
Also, #6 and number 10.2 contradict each other – he wants the kid to read and learn a lot and be able to discuss things, but not anything that he, Doug, would find strange or threatening.
I bet a dollar Doug is a homeschooler.
You should have made that bet for a million dollars, Ted. I’m positive that either on this blog or World O’ Crap I once read a quote from one of Doug’s columns talking about how “his ladies”, as he always creepily refers to his daughters, were home schooled.
Giles-bonkura* says:
I like high quality cigars (nothing below a 90), Johnnie Walker Blue Label, Chimay Grand Reserve…
If he was really so proud of his Texas roots, he’d demand that the unhappy swains looking to procure his daughters pay tribute with Shiner Bock, Lone Star, or Jax (three cases minimum, shipped overnight).
Johnnie Walker? Chimay? Fine and dandy, I suppose. But not befitting a rough-and-tumble, Neanderthal, carnivore pastor born and bred in Texas. (I have seen his piccies—ha bloody ha!)
*Bonkura means “jalopy” in Japanese, and it refers to anyone who is not terribly bright.
Biggest dating portal in the world, come meet women tonight!…
…
“I’ve traveled the planet, planted churches and started businesses.”
“PLANTED CHURCHES ALL OVER THE WORLD”….you always have to consider the DOUG GILES EXAGGERATION FACTOR…as a former member of Doug’s church, I can tell you, he started one church in Lubbock, Tx (Covenant Christian Fellowship) that doesn’t exist anymore AND none of his former elders, worship team, pastors, etc want anything to do with him anymore (because he’s a lying, two faced, egomaniac, sociopathic wiesel)……and he still (after 13 years) has not gotten his Miami church off of the ground…
When it comes to producing good articles you absolutely are
the jedi, well done. ! . !