The Empire Strikes Hilarity
Because I know y’all can’t get enough of Empire, a.k.a. Orson Scott Card’s opus retardum, I thought I’d share my favorite excerpt.
In this scene, our intrepid red-state heroes are trying to stop terrorists who are planning to assassinate the president by (are you ready for this?) launching rockets at the White House from the Memorial Bridge. No, really:
“So what’s the plan?” asked Coleman. “They get out of the water, take off their scuba gear, and run across the Mall and attack the White House from the Ellipse? That area is so blocked off and guarded that they’ll be dead before they get close.”
“They get out of the water, they set up their rocket launchers just above the retaining wall at the inside of the Tidal Basin, past the Independence Avenue bridge.”
“Rocket launchers,” said Coleman, nodding.
“You can’t see the White House from there — the Washington Monument is up on a hill, and the White House is invisible. So for the past couple of weeks, they’ve been practicing how many degrees to aim to the left of the monument in order to hit the White House. And they’ve got the range set to the micron. They probably know how to put one through any window in the White House that they want.”
“They’ve been training for this mission using a super-sophisticated terrorist computer program called ‘al-Dome Wars,'” said Reuben.
Above: al-Dome Wars. And you thought it was just a game.
The good news was that they were up-to-date weapons that seemed clean and had plenty of ammo. Reuben and Coleman grabbed them and ran for the car. There was a ticket on the windshield. Coleman turned on the windshield wiper and after a few swipes it blew away as they drove back along Buckeye Drive and then under the 395 overpass. “Who had time to write us a ticket?” said Reuben.
“It was probably an envelope filled with anthrax,” said Coleman. “That’s why I didn’t take it off by hand.”
“Good thinking,” said Reuben. “Just last week, my electric bill gave me smallpox and the clap.”
“No, don’t turn there — we’re not going to try to shoot from the Jefferson Memorial. The Independence Av bridge and the cars on it will block any kind of clean shot.” Reuben directed him up to West Basin Drive as he checked to make sure both weapons had full clips.
“You realize this is Friday the thirteenth,” said Cole.
“Screw you,” said Malich.
And with that, you have just read the funniest joke in the entire book. It’s all downhill from here, munchachos.
They drove among the tourist cars until they came to Independence Avenue itself, which was completely blocked going toward the bridge, and had no traffic coming the other way.
They stopped the car and ran for it. Not that far along the bridge — but too far, if the terrorists had already made it out of the water long enough to have traffic blocked.
When Reuben and Coleman got onto the bridge, they saw two rocket launchers being set up simultaneously, while a guy with a protractor — a simple junior-high protractor! — was standing at a particular fence post and now was indicating where the launchers should be aiming.
So they’re using geometry to kill the president, eh? That’s another subject we’ll have to ban from public schools, right after we deal with evolution…
Another guy — there were only the four in wet suits, as far as Reuben could see — was standing in the westbound lanes, which passed behind the retaining wall and did not go over the bridge. He was holding a sign.
“There’s more guys than that,” said Coleman. “Somebody cut those phone lines.”
“I wonder what that sign says,” said Reuben.
“Will commit terror for food?”
Whatever it said, it was enough to keep the drivers in place without much honking.
Hmm. Maybe it says, “Honk if you love terror” then.
And because of the blockage going that direction, traffic was stopped cold the other way, too. It would delay any military vehicles that might attempt to stop them. And delay was all they needed. With these guys, there’d be no escape plan. Though if they did happen to live long enough to get away from the Tidal Basin, they’d no doubt run to the Holocaust Museum and start killing Jews and Jewish sympathizers — which is what they would assume the Holocaust Museum would contain. Oh, yes — and schoolchildren.
Jewish schoolchildren… who sympathized with Jews!!!!
By now the guys with the launchers were lying flat, still preparing their launch. There was no clear shot at them. The guy who had held the sign was firing at them. And Reuben and Coleman couldn’t get to a different position, because now the shots hitting around them were pretty steady. The close ones were not coming from the guy with the sign.
“They’re not trying,” said Reuben. “Wherever their sniper is, he could kill us anytime.”
“Just trying to pin us down,” agreed Coleman.
“Shoot for the launchers themselves,” said Reuben.
“I’m left,” said Coleman.
But by the time he said that, Reuben was already firing at the lefthand launcher. Which their bullets knocked over.
Which isn’t a proper sentence.
And by the time they corrected to aim for the other, the rocket had launched.
Reuben guessed that their sniper would be unable to resist watching for the explosion when the rocket hit. So he got up and ran to a different position and Coleman followed him, and there would be no last stand in the Holocaust Museum because they got all three of the remaining wet-suit guys … as they watched the column of flame and the plume of smoke rise above the grassy hill of the Washington Monument.
“Either they hit the White House or they didn’t,” said Reuben.
How astute.
“We’ve got that sniper to catch.”
“He was shooting from over to the left of the World War II Memorial,” said Coleman.
“And you can bet he’s got a car.”
Their pursuit of him ended quickly. Now the choppers were coming in and military vehicles were jouncing over the lawns and here was Reuben in civilian clothes carrying a rifle and so he had to stop for a conversation. It wasn’t long — Coleman’s uniform helped — and soon there were soldiers and choppers in pursuit of the sniper. But what kind of pursuit was it when nobody knew what he looked like, what he was driving, or where he might be going next?
“Just shoot any turban that moves,” said Cole. “If you don’t get the assassin, you’ll at least drill a sympathizer or two.”
There was nothing useful to do now except get to the top of the hill and see where the rocket had landed.
It had taken out half the south façade of the West Wing.
“Where was the President?” asked Reuben. He was talking to himself, but by now the lieutenant, who had climbed the hill with them, was talking over a military wavelength.
“At least twenty,” the lieutenant repeated. “Including the President, SecDef, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs.”
Rummy must feel glad he got sacked when he did, eh?
Not that Reuben didn’t feel anything. He felt so much that he was almost gasping. But it wasn’t grief. It was resolve. Gnawing at him. He would do something. There must be something he could do.
Welp, you’ve already let the president die, asshole. But hey, you can still stop that last stand at the Holocaust museum… with school children.
OK, I think I’ve just about tortured you guys enough with Empire passages for one day. I’d buy the whole book, except that I’d probably never read it because it really sucks. But hey, the free excerpts were fun. Excelsior, bitches!
UPDATE: Some quick responses and clarifications.
One:
Uh, does Card explain why the Heroes couldn’t make, like, a phone call to someone to tell them about the rocket launchers and protractors aimed at the White House, so they could, you know, evacuate?
Card explained earlier that the terrorists jammed every cell tower and phone line in the city. So nyah, nyah, nyah.
Two:
Oh, and Gavin needs to ’shop a little White House into that Dome Wars screenshot.
He sure does. El. Oh. El.
Thanks Gavin! Morning chuckles are always best.
You’re welcome. I’m not Gavin.
Four:
The problem I had with OSC’s geography is that there is no hill for them to run to around the Tidal Basin where they can see the White House.
No, the problem is that he based his geography on a StarCraft map he created a few years back. That helps explain why Reuben and Cole get bombarded by Zerg and Protoss hordes later in the chapter.
Missile Command rawked.
There’s the Key Bridge, the Roosevelt bridge, the Memorial bridge and the 395 bridge. There is no Independence Ave bridge in DC.
maddie- I know. I called it the Memorial Bridge. Card is an idiot.
Uh, does Card explain why the Heroes couldn’t make, like, a phone call to someone to tell them about the rocket launchers and protractors aimed at the White House, so they could, you know, evacuate? I’m thinking maybe I missed the part where the terrorists stole the entire world supply of cell phones, or something.
OK, I have a couple of questions, Mr. Card:
Was the whole thing with the parking ticket being an anthrax attack supposed to be humor from your protagonist, or did he really think it was an attack? (In which case, kudos to him for letting the wind take it off to infect some innocent bystander.) I suspect we were supposed to think he was being funny, but, uh… sadly, no!
Bigger question: If these guys knew the President was in danger from rocket launchers on the “Independence Avenue bridge,” why the hell wasn’t the President whisked off to a place of safety — I’m pretty sure the White House has a decent fruit cellar he could have hid in — until the danger was past? It’s not like nobody would believe something was happening — there were all those helicopters and military vehicles on call as soon as it happened. Don’t these guys have a cell phone?
Oh wait. I’m looking for rationality in a piece of trashy, hack propaganda fiction. What the hell was I thinking?
This is the most tired and classic 11 year old boy fantasy — having to defend your town against an “enemy” attack (in my youth, it was the Russians, of course). But this actually reads like a 11 year old would write it in study hall or to kill time during detention.
There’s also woody aroma (as in wooden writing) of the uber-geek “fan novel” with the author riding shot-gun with his heroes from the tv show, movie, video game, comic book etc.
“Golly, it’s just me and Superman now. I can’t let him down. The whole country depends on us. I have to make it to the Fortress of Solitude before it’s too late !!!!”
This MUST be made into a very long movie with crappy special effects. I demand it.
Oh, and Gavin needs to ‘shop a little White House into that Dome Wars screenshot.
Thanks Gavin! Morning chuckles are always best.
So the hero lets anthrax scatter to the wind to infect every Joe Blow on the street rather than make some attempt to protect the great citizens of DC?
Card’s just phoning it in. Or is this standard fare from him?
“We’ve got that sniper to catch.�
“He was shooting from over to the left of the World War II Memorial,� said Coleman.
“And you can bet he’s got a car.�
Their pursuit of him ended quickly. Now the choppers were coming in and military vehicles were jouncing over the lawns and here was Reuben in civilian clothes carrying a rifle and so he had to stop for a conversation. It wasn’t long — Coleman’s uniform helped — and soon there were soldiers and choppers in pursuit of the sniper. But what kind of pursuit was it when nobody knew what he looked like, what he was driving, or where he might be going next?
——
God, this is truly bad.
“Their pursuit of him ended quickly”
Why? Did they go pay the parking ticket that he threw on the ground? Oh, they had to have a ‘conversation’ first. The White House has just been blown up with a rocket launcher but it’s more important to have a conversation first. 101st keyboarders in action?
“But what kind of pursuit was it when nobody knew what he looked like, what he was driving, or where he might be going next?”
Hmmm … pointless, mindless, confused, unsuccessful all come immediately to mind. It’s just not fair that the terrorists don’t provide all this information beforehand, preferably in writing, with maps and pictures. Yet another reason why they are so evil. And so hard to pursue !!!
Did Scooter Libby ghost-write this ???
The “Independence Avenue Bridge” is probably a reference to the part of Independence that goes over the Tidal Basin. But no one calls it that. At least none of us who live in DC call it that.
The problem I had with OSC’s geography is that there is no hill for them to run to around the Tidal Basin where they can see the White House. Perhaps he means the hill that the Washington Monument is built on but that’s kind of a hike.
“And they’ve got the range set to the micron.”
With that little plastic protractor, of course. My geometry teacher did say those little things were accurate to a millionth of a meter. Never mind that a protractor measures degrees, not “microns.” Never mind that being off a few microns really doesn’t matter if you are shooting at an enormous, gigantic white building just a short distance away. Heck, you could be off by a MILLION microns and be off by just 3 feet.
With that little plastic protractor, of course. My geometry teacher did say those little things were accurate to a millionth of a meter. Never mind that a protractor measures degrees, not “microns.� Never mind that being off a few microns really doesn’t matter if you are shooting at an enormous, gigantic white building just a short distance away. Heck, you could be off by a MILLION microns and be off by just 3 feet.
Breathe, Doug, breathe! Don’t get too angry about shitty, awful goddamn fucking terrible CRAP-ASS WRITING FROM A PATHETIC BED-WETTING WANNABE JACK BAUER WINGNUT ASSH…
(pant, pant)
OK, that felt better. Carry on with your rage.
Micron = Metric system – Systeme Internationale = Invented by the French.
Ahh … THE FRENCHIES … YET AGAIN !!!
Killing the U.S. President with … THE METRIC SYSTEM !!!
Aha !!!!
Brad R — no rage at all. this stuff is an absolute riot. i love it. It’s Plan 9 from the Potomac.
I love a thrilling action sequence that’s all about…traffic. It feels like the car racing seen in Meet the Parents.
How about that McGuffin of a sign? Why give it a few sentences if OSC never explains what it says?
I agree. What did the sign say?
“Please Stop and Be Quiet: We are Trying to Kill the President”?
The sign needs to be photoshopped into Dome Wars as well.
The key to defending against a Zerg AND Protoss attack is to take a crystal into the Protoss base, thus drawing the Zerg to its energy. They fight each other while you get the hell out of there.
“By now the guys with the launchers were lying flat, still preparing their launch. There was no clear shot at them.”
As opposed to lying un-flat.
It being physically impossible to shoot a person who is lying down.
They also might have been preparing another sign for the “tourist cars.”
My favorite part – the constant use of the word “guys.” Truly the stuff of dueling eight-year-olds with their plastic Army men.
“And then my guys get a death-ray an’…”
“Nuh-uh! ‘Cuz my guys got the anti-death-ray shield!”
When I was a kid we watched Red Dawn in my buddy’s basement, saw it for the kitsch that it was (though I still love it –“Wolverines!”). Since X’s being stupid never stopped us from emulating X, we got our BB guns, stole goggles from chem lab and went out in the woods every weekend (in the winter) for a few months to play insurgency. I nearly put a BB in one of my friend’s ear. In the summer we switched to golf club tubes turned into rocket launchers for bottle rockets.
My point is that “Empire” is the novel we would have written in a spirit of irony inspired by “Wolverines!” at the age of 16. We could have taken out the terrorists with BB guns, bottle rockets, and flinging crabapples spiked on the end of long sticks.
Card needs to stop now, his fiction is a nonironic version of my youth.
(Sorry I’m drunk)
Let me see if I have this straight: every cell tower and phone line in the city was taken out long enough ago that Clown 1 and Clown 2 have traveled to the Tidal Basin (where’s Fannie Foxe when we need her?), but the President, Secretary of Defence, and about twenty others have NOT been whisked to a secure location–or even some place in the lower reaches of the White House that is impervious to a rocket launcher.
“If I had a rocket launcher/Some Sonuvabitch would Die,” to be sure, but it wouldn’t be the President of the United States unless someone within the Administration wanted it to be so.
Hmmm; the Vice President is conspicuously absent from that list of casualties….
JKD — Yes !!!!!! It is just like plastic army men.
Even the remotest hint of an atmosphere of danger or evil is destroyed by the “guys” references. The “guy” using the junior high school protractor is just one of many peak suspense moments. Of course, any survivors of the rocket launch would be stabbed to death with the little metal compass and stubby pencil that comes with the protractor in 6th grade. And they probably stored the rockets in a Scooby Doo lunch box.
I’m working on a novel. I know, me and everyone else. But while working on said novel, I’ve gone through what everyone else who ever has goes through–the self-doubt, the sense that things aren’t right, that the dialogue is too stilted, that the action scenes lack panache.
No longer. Now that I’ve read this horrible train-wreck of a scene, I can state, with absolute metaphysical certitude, that there’s no scene in my (only half-edited) book less credible than this.
I agree. What did the sign say?
“Please Stop and Be Quiet: We are Trying to Kill the President�?
Given that only 9% of Washington, D.C. voted for America in the 2004 Presidential election, a sign like that would probably do the trick.
You Democrats just can’t handle the truth!
Unintentional idiocy:
Only Jewish people and their “sympathizers” visit the Holocaust museum.
“Honey, there’s nothing on TV and I’m feeling sympathetic toward the Jews. Let’s go to the Holocaust museum to kill some time before American Idol.”
Enders Game is the only good Orson Scott Card book. meh.
Hey, if nothing else I learned a new word…”jouncing” A new word!
And I’m 56!
Bush isn’t America, Gary. He’s an egregious example of some of America’s worst traits, though. And so are you.
“Reuben directed him up to West Basin Drive as he checked to make sure both weapons had full clips.”
Mag(azine)s – not fucking clips… gah! That’s what a girl puts in her hair! anyone with “extensive special ops” training knows that.. shheesh.
I just love how a guy with a protractor pointing to people constitutes precision down to the micron.
The sign of course pointed out that the terrorists were in the White House killing the American People’s doods.
I think the sign reads:
Attention Tourist Cars
Protractor in Use to Destroy White House
By Four Guys
So, at the end, the hero is “gasping…with resolve?” What does he do next, yodel with ambivalence?
But… but… but… What about the ‘tourist cars’, Gary?! Would they stop for such a sign?! Would it be just the ‘Democrat’ tourist cars?!
You Republicans just can’t handle satire!
Hmmm; the Vice President is conspicuously absent from that list of casualties….
In the chapter, he’s killed when a dump truck crushes his limo, and then the driver blows himself up. No, seriously.
What can I say? I actually read the whole thing.
Of course, I have a soft spot for the trainwrecks of pop culture. I wouldn’t recommend reading it all to anyone who has not been able to sit through “The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh” and/or A Very Special Episode of “Blossom.”
“Let me see if I have this straight: every cell tower and phone line in the city was taken out …..but the President, Secretary of Defence, and about twenty others have NOT been whisked to a secure location– ”
Yes, that’s right. Massive national communication upheaval, and everyone’s going about their business as usual, comuting to work and going to the Holocaust Museum — hey! There’s a guy in scuba gear holding up a cardboard sign in the middle of the road! And no one can call the TrafficReport hotline!
If the bad guys had to scuba to the site, how’d they manage to bring a cardboard sign to hold in the middle of the road — and keep it dry?
And are they walking around in scuba gear AND FLIPPERS? How do they run away? Are we to believe our 2 heros can’t catch running bad guys in FLIPPERS? or at least bare feet?
And as long as our heroes are able to imagine the bad guys shooting a rocket through the White House windows and then gratuitously wandering off to create adjunct mayhem at the Holocaust Museum, I can imagine it too……4 guys in scuba gear and flippers wander into the lobby of the Holocaust Museum, shouting “Nobody move!”
Oh, someone HAS to make a movie.
maybe Empire could be package-dealed with Hothouse Flowers as a “Learn your Kid into Stupidity” starter set for home-schoolers…..
Douglas,
I like your sign better than mine. What’s a gal to do?
Does it say the sign was cardboard? It may have been a special high-tech water-proof polymer!
A masterpiece of complex, Faulknerian descriptive majesty:
“The good news was that they were up-to-date weapons that seemed clean and had plenty of ammo. Reuben and Coleman grabbed them and ran for the car.”
Was there invisible dirt so that the weapons “seemed clean” but were actually quite filthy?
Did they really have plenty of ammo, or did they just “seem to”?
They were “up to date” weapons. As a reader immersed in an edgy, suspense-filled page turner, it’s much more important to know the weapons are “up to date” rather than being told like … hmm … what they are. And it’s very important to know they “seemed clean.”
“It may have been a special high-tech water-proof polymer! ”
Oh course it was, silly me!! Printed in quick-dry reflective enamel “No $$$ for Food – No car – Homeless – God Bless”
I still want to know whether they were running away in flippers.
“They were “up to dateâ€? weapons. ”
“Damn! Reuben!! The only guns here are a pair of old flintlocks!!”
“Shit, Cole. Ok, you take the blunderbuss. I’ll take the matched pair of dueling pistols! Let’s go!”
Even without some helicopter traffic reporter noticing them (not even counting the various Gov’t helicopters), you’d think that in a city that’s under the jurisdiction of something like seven or eight uniformed police services, at least one patrol car would have noticed four guys in wetsuits climbing on to a bridge with rocket launchers and stopping traffic…
“you’d think that ….at least one patrol car would have noticed four guys in wetsuits climbing on to a bridge with rocket launchers and stopping traffic…”
In D.C., yeah. In Miami? L.A.? Not so much.
Given that only 9% of Washington, D.C. voted for America in the 2004 Presidential election, a sign like that would probably do the trick. — gary.
Can you vote for America for President?
What if you vote for Finland and it wins ???
Given that only 9% of Washington, D.C. voted for America in the 2004 Presidential election, a sign like that would probably do the trick.
America was on the ballot? Jeez, we really need to start winnowing down the number of candidates. Maybe if we had a primary system or something like that.
The image of 4 scuba divers emerging onto a bridge, heavily laden with traffic, and setting up a freakin’ rocket launcher is hilarious, though.
I mean, they HAD TO WORK AROUND THE TRAFFIC! Doesn’t this sort of suggest that they could have, you know, just driven to the bridge like everyone else?
And then picturing them trying to run away with swim fins on…
Coffee was spewed.
Yes. Those wily terrorists can do anything they want since those damned lieberals have gutted our security forces!!
4 guys in scuba gear and flippers wander into the lobby of the Holocaust Museum, shouting “Nobody move!�
Actually, Donald Westlake could write a scene like that and make it funny.
No, it sounds like a Carl Hiassen novel. Complete with rubber alligators and pit bulls.
“It was resolve. Gnawing at him.”
God, I hate it when resolve gnaws at me.
My favorite bit is from page 682:
Book of the Year!” gasped plucky law professor Glennington “Glenn” Reynolds as he sat at his up-to-date computer and manfully typed his review, pausing only to shout “indeedy!” several times and curse the French.
“I agree!” agreed his wife with womanly resolve.
I love this. It’s the real-life Tek Jansen!
Except that Orson Scott Card, unlike “Stephen Colbert,” is an actual author who has written, if not great literature, then at least LITERATE works in the past. How do you regress to this kind of dreck without some kind of massive head injury to explain it?
America, being born in a British colony, is ineligible to run for President. That’s why only 9 percent of the D.C. voters pulled the lever.
In D.C., yeah. In Miami? L.A.? Not so much.
Yeah… “Oh, look – neoprene-clad psychos with missles. Yawn. Looks like we’re in for another shootout.” “Hey, look on the bright side: they aren’t wearing body armor.”
In DC, OTOH, can’t you just see some Park Police or Capitol Police officer (or worse yet, a uniformed Postal Inspector) getting a woody at the thought of being able to finally draw their service weapon? In public, that is. So they can see if all that practicing in front of their bedroom mirror has paid off.
I demand more Bradrocket literary analysis!
“So for the past couple of weeks, they’ve been practicing how many degrees to aim to the left of the monument in order to hit the White House.”
I want to know how they’ve been doing this without being noticed. And I want to know how you can “practice” shooting rockets at the White House discreetly enough NOT to be noticed, yet with enough – er – reality for it to be a useful exercise.
I mean, I could practice for weeks how shoot an arrow into an apple. Only without the arrow, the bow, or the apple, it wouldn’t be very worthwhile.
Oh, all right. Time to go to work. Fun’s over.
No “Sadly, No!” at work. Bye.
My favorite part – the constant use of the word “guys.â€? Truly the stuff of dueling eight-year-olds with their plastic Army men.
We r on ur imaginary bridge a$$a$$inating ur d00ds.
“They drove among the tourist cars until they came to Independence Avenue itself …”
As opposed to not-Independence Avenue? Some other Avenue? An Avenue disguised as Independence Avenue? Nope. Independence Avenue itself.
And you cannot get any better than “tourist cars.”
Though if they did happen to live long enough to get away from the Tidal Basin, they’d no doubt run to the Holocaust Museum and start killing Jews and Jewish sympathizers — which is what they would assume the Holocaust Museum would contain. Oh, yes — and schoolchildren.
If I ever meet Orson Card, I’m going to ask him why he thinks leftists like me would ever want to massacre Jews and schoolchildren, then knock him flat on his ass.
Obviously, the terra-ists had high-tech liberal swim fins with retractable flippers. What with the liberal elites controlling all the places of learning, they kept these top-secret flippers out of the hands of good, god-fearing, conservative, America-lovin’ red-staters like “Cole” and Reuben.
THANKS BRAD — THIS IS A RIOT. GOTTA GO TO WORK. BYE ALL.
First, Card’s prose is so bad that it’s impossible to even ascertain character positions from his descriptions–it’s like the written equivalent of a Michael Bay film.
Second, the “micron” reference was to range, not angle, so the protractor had nothing to do with microns. Sigh, I’ve given this more thought than it deserves.
Third, Ender’s Game was a good novel and I enjoyed the first five volumes of The Tales of Alvin Maker, but then I’m interested in religion and folklore anyway.
Fourth, the real danger of this craptastic mess is that even reading this short excerpt will probably diminish my enjoyment of the new season of 24.
The movie will be called ” Last Stand at the Holocaust Museum: Operation Stop the Flipper”.
If this is set in modern times, why did they add those lasers coming out of the helicopters on the book jacket? OSC probably got the proof from the publisher, and then, screeching in rage, cried out, “Damn leftists, this is science fiction! Where are the LASERS and the WET SUIT GUYS?”
I read a book by OSC in my youth and I don’t remember he being such a terrible writer (in the technical sense). Blech.
I can’t begin to address all of this dreck, but a couple of things just beg to be mentioned. First, I’ve never seen a crew served weapon, be it a rocket launcher or a mortar or even a heavy machine gun that didn’t have an azimuth dial built into the mount. You don’t need a high school protractor, and there would be no way to use one anyway. You need a boy scout compass. Align the azimuth, set altitude, splash, adjust, splash, fire for effect. Maybe OSC shoulda asked an old eleven bulletstop for a little guidance.
Second. You’re under fire from a sniper. Are you really going to bet your life and your men on the mere ASSUMPTION that the sniper isn’t disciplined enough to stay on target while his team execute an op they must have practiced, right? If my sergeant says “this guy’s gonna quit paying attention, let’s move now” I’m gonna be all “tell ya what sarge, you start without me and I’ll catch up”….
mikey
I lurved the throwaway line: “Oh, yes — and schoolchildren.”
This thing reads like it was taken verbatim from a stream-of-conciousness monologue during a week-long SOCOM Navy Seals 3 and crystal meth bender.
“Lessee…the terrorist, they hate the Jews. And Jewish…people…likers? No, wait, I got it: Jewish *sympathizers*. And…uh. What else what else what else do the terrorists hate and want to kill…freedom…babies, yeah babies, no…children. Oh, yes — and schoolchildren.”
I’d just like to state that since I work about two blocks from the WH, I’m totally against blowing it up, as that would be, like, massively inconvenient.
I think all the inaccuracies of DC geography have been covered (thanks, S,N! crew!) so there’s nothing else to say, except those inaccuracies are especially ironic considering the novel reads like someone who’s trying to impress you with his knowledge of DC geography, name-checking various mounuments and such.
Wow. What the hell happened to OSC? I quit reading him a while ago, after he started injecting Mormonism into all of his books. But as far as I recall, he could still write non-ridiculous prose. This is just fricking awful. On the plus side, it’s spawned a hilarious thread here, so I guess it was all worth it.
Oh, and can someone spare me the pain of reading the book to assuage my curiousity and explain something? I thought that the terrorists were supposed to be Radical Progressives or something. Why the hell would they want to kill Jews for an encore? Damn those anti-semitic leftists with their implacable Jew-hatred! Am I missing something here?
If I’m reading some techno-thriller – and I’m on enough airplanes that that is a distinct possibility – I need to know all about those regicidal rocket launchers: what model are they, where are they manufactured, what war and which arsenal are they surplus from, how exactly do they glisten along their terrible length in the gentle sun as the cool water of freedom’s river evaporates . . .
Well (fanning himself), at the very middling least I need to know what the guns of our courageous and wisecracking Heroes are – and what ammunition they use, its penetrating power, how satisfying the click is as the magazine is rammed home and all the interlocking parts move together . . .
Is it hot in here? Right. So, my suspension of disbelief has been carefully honed by over thirty years of carefully indiscriminate skiffy reading, but I confess to a dark curiosity about the details of lifting those rocket launchers up from the depths of the Potomac, especially after a no doubt strenuous and very carefully synchronized swim. Did our scuba clad villains use pullies? Or did they lift the weapons using their own brute power, muscles bunching and bulging in those skin tight rubber outfits, straining to erect the tools of their violent desires . . .
If I’m reading some techno-thriller, then I need a little eros to go with my thanatos. Is that too much to ask?
Martial, I got what you need right here…
mikey
If I’m reading some techno-thriller, then I need a little eros to go with my thanatos. Is that too much to ask?
When said techno-thriller is written by a repressed Mormon, yes.
No eros for you! Today, only thanatos!
If this is set in modern times, why did they add those lasers coming out of the helicopters on the book jacket?
Maybe they’re tracers, drawn as if photographed with a long exposure? This was a pretty common comic book style, if I recall Sgt. Rock correctly.
Maybe OSC shoulda asked an old eleven bulletstop for a little guidance.
Mikey, he couldn’t even think of a name of an actual “up-to-date” weapon. Somehow, he managed to have all these pre-adoloscent combat fantasies without even remembering such terms as M16A1 or HK MP5 or even Uzi.
Hell, I’m a damned liberal weenie pacifist, and even I can recognize, not to mention name, these “up-to-date” weapons.
What’s with the “up-to-date” thing, anyway? I wonder if the hero guys would have picked up a Thompson 1921 and said, “Damn it! This is a .45 caliber, 100 round, fully automatic submachinegun, but it’s… an old design! It’s too heavy!” before tossing it in the gutter along with the anthrax parking ticket.
“Reuben directed him up to West Basin Drive as he checked to make sure both weapons had full clips.�
It’s a good thing they were full. Have you ever tried to load clips, er, magazines, while driving through heavy traffic of tourist cars? I grew up in Miami during the ’80s. Trust me, it ain’t easy.
I still can’t let go of the image of a squad of heavily-armed scuba divers bursting into the Holocaust museum. I really need to learn photoshop… This image is screaming for expression.
Nice one, mikey. I was thinking Tom Clancy, but you really can’t go wrong with Marcinco for war-porn.
What’s with the “up-to-date� thing, anyway? I wonder if the hero guys would have picked up a Thompson 1921 and said, “Damn it! This is a .45 caliber, 100 round, fully automatic submachinegun, but it’s… an old design! It’s too heavy!� before tossing it in the gutter along with the anthrax parking ticket.
Oh gawd yeah, you wouldn’t wanna go to war without an up-to-date weapon like Ma Deuce (the M-2 Fifty BMG, originally designed by John Browning in 1920) or maybe the M-14 (originally adopted in 1957, now being re-issued AGAIN as the DMR). That old crap wouldn’t hurt a flea…
mikey
Whatever it said, it was enough to keep the drivers in place without much honking.
Duh. It said, “Keep in your place. Do not honk.” If I got stopped in traffic by a squad of scuba divers with rocket artillery, I don’t think I’d be touching the horn button, either.
No, it sounds like a Carl Hiassen novel. Complete with rubber alligators and pit bulls.
This really does need a coke-crazed congressman, a wacky homeless ex-governor, a stripper with a heart of gold, and a jaded-but-idealistic newspaperman on the outs with his editor… All of whom would be Democrats, naturally.
I’m not going to get any work done today at all.
This IS work. Well, this and hunting down and downloading mp3s of the entire soundtrack from “A Charlie Brown Christmas”. I mean, I’ve got my tasks laid out in front of me and I’m getting them done…
mikey
“They’re not trying,� said Reuben. “Wherever their sniper is, he could kill us anytime.�
This is the most humane sniper on the planet.
But then, this is a librul sniper. Why would he or she shoot to kill? They’re only trying to destroy America, after all. They’re launching rockets at the White House and further planning to slaughter Jews and Jewish sympathizers (and oh yes- the schoolchildren) but they’re not going to actually try to kill the 2 guys shooting up-to-date weapons at the scuba-rocket-squad.
That would be just so un-pc.
Y’know, Rob, now that you mention it, they do seem to be willing to make many, many assumptions about the capabilities, mindset and skills of the Sniper team that has taken them under fire. My approach was always more along the lines of “rounds being fired in my direction? Find something or someone substatial and get behind it and put out many, many rounds”. But these guys? Nah, they are completely comfortable psychoanalyzing the snipers, discerning their true intentions and attention span. Talk about grace under fire!
mikey
Clancy is, I am afraid, not very sexy anymore. He’s too in love with the spears and not enough with the spearcarriers. Sure, he used to fuck all night, but he never wants to these days. He always gets off before I do and then rolls over and goes to sleep. When I’m deep into the thrill, I want to really see the spear and touch the spear. Not just the specs, but the precise crackle to the gunfire, the smell of the grease, the jerk of the tigger finger prefiguring the jerk of the arm – and the final jerk of the target before he crumples, limp and boneless.
Ya’ll did notice that the terrorists had to aim to the left of the Washington Monument in order to hit the White House. That there is called symbolism or some such literary term. Or maybe dreck. I forget which.
Frankly, I’m surprised Card’s editor could read the galleys, seeing as they were stuck together with patriot essence.
I half expect the next paragraph to start, “And then dinosaurs came along the road…” My 7th graders have turned in less turgid and more logical prose.
Mikey, there’s also this bit from the first chapter, where Capt. Malich has an extensive dialogue with himself on the geopolitical consequences of isolationism … in the middle of a freakin’ ambush:
But now Captain Malich saw a scene playing out in the center of the village that he could not bear. For the old man had been brought out into the middle of the sunbaked dirt of the square, and a man with a sword was preparing to behead him.
Captain Malich did the calculations in his head. Protect your own force — that was a prime concern. But if it were the only priority, or the highest priority, nations would keep their armies at home and never commit them to battle at all.
The higher priority here was the mission. If the village sustained any casualties, they would not care that the Americans saved them from even more. They would only grieve that the Americans had ever come at all, bringing such tragedy with them. They would beg the Americans to leave, and hate them if they did not go.
Here were the terrorists, proving that they were, as suspected, operating in the area. This village had been a good choice. Which meant that it would be a terrible waste to lose the trust that had been built up.
I’ve been wondering about that sniper too. If the plan is to, first, blow up the White House, second, hold a massacre at the Holocaust Museum, third, go out for a microbrew, then wouldn’t letting your team of rocketlaunchers/jewchildrenkillers get iced before phase two make it really hard to get to phase three? These guys are sharp enough to (a) knock down the phone system (or, as Card would anachronistically have it, “cut those phone lines“) and (b) actually blow up the White House. But the sniper is a doofus?
I agree. What did the sign say?
three words
Oh, sweet jeezus. Glad you read that so I didn’t have to. I can picture it now. Taking fire from a ville and a treeline. Recon by fire indicates at least company strength opposition dug into a strong perimeter. I go running up to the LT and say “LT, we’ve engaged a pretty heavy force. We need some arty support and maybe you could bring 2nd platoon up to flank the treeline. I’ll get the FAC and see if there’s any fast movers in the AO”. And the LT looks off into space. Thinks for a while. “Y’know, mikey” he says, “war is a funny thing. Think about all the historical geopolitical mistakes in judgement that have led us to this place. You from California, me from Missouri, the enemy from Hanoi…And now it’s come to this. I wonder if, maybe, back in Enlightenment Europe, a few different decisions might have led us down different paths. When you think about it…” Thats when I drop a frag down the front of his pants and go find the sergeant…
mikey
Great news guys. According to Entertainment Weekly’s (mostly favorable) review, Empire is indeed in preproduction as a movie.
BTW the sign said:
“All your protractors are belong to us.”
Coming to this one awfully late — not my fault, though: I couldn’t even see the words what with all the flying fur and spittle. OSC should be sitting on an inflatable donut after the justified reaming y’all gave him.
Anyway, my point: thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for so thoroughly explicating and dismissing this novel for those of us who would like to authoritatively trash it without having actually, y’know, read it.
I’m not sure this qualifies as “Greatest Thread” EVAH”, but I’m LMAO. You guys are teh bestest!
When I’m deep into the thrill, I want to really see the spear and touch the spear. Not just the specs, but the precise crackle to the gunfire, the smell of the grease, the jerk of the tigger finger prefiguring the jerk of the arm – and the final jerk of the target before he crumples, limp and boneless.
Dude, you are going to luuuuurve you some Dick Marcinco.
Great news guys. According to Entertainment Weekly’s (mostly favorable) review, Empire is indeed in preproduction as a movie.
If it doesn’t star Chuck Norris, I’m not going.
And DAMN YOU, Sanitas!! Damn you and anything that resembles you!!
Chuck Norris, Kirk Cameron and Partricia Heaton are onboard (not really) with Ron Silver in the small but pivotal roll as “Guy #3” Music by the “Right Brothers”. Costumes by Edith Head.
And an MTV tie-in to Ted Nugent and Brittany Spears. Doing a duet.
Oh, that’s just great. Now I’m gonna have the GI Joe theme song in my head all day.
Whenever there’s trouble,
GI JOE IS THERE!!!
A Real American Herooooooo….
Don’t you see, you’re doing all the proof-reading and editing for OSC, this is plan, the lazy chum sucker.
Horrible prose aside, I’m still trying to picture a man-packable rocket and launcher that can be carried by a diver (already loaded with a SCUBA tank) that has the following properties:
1. Can be erected and aimed by only two “guys”
2. Has sufficient range to go from anywhere near the tidal basin to the whitehouse, a distance of over a kilometer, with enough of a warhead to
demolish half of the SW facade.
3. Is sufficiently braced to allow for “micrometric” precision aiming in an indirect fire mode
4. Yet is light enough to be “knocked over” by rifle rounds.
If they can pull something like that out of their bags, then those helicopters with frikkin’ laser beams are but child’s play.
That’s why it’s so important to get those sharks with frikkin laser beams on their heads stocked into the Potomac as soon as possible!!!
What gems! I really liked this parts where “Rube” is deep within enemy lines and almost gets brainwashed himself:
And now he knew that this was much of what the Army had sent him here to learn. Yes, a doctorate in history would be useful. But he was really getting a doctorate in self-doubt and skepticism, a Ph.D. in the rhetoric and beliefs of the insane Left. He would be able to sit in a room with a far-left Senator and hear it all with a straight face, without having to argue any points, and with complete comprehension of everything he was saying and everything he meant by it.
In other words, he was being embedded with the enemy as surely as when he was on a deep Special Ops assignment inside a foreign country that did not (officially at least) know that he was there.
….
The real danger was not losing his temper, however. For in the second year of his studies, he realized that he was beginning to treat some of the most absurd ideas as if they had some basis in truth. It was Goebbels in practice: If you tell the same lies long enough and loudly enough, even people who know better will despair and concede the point.
mikey and RobW, I’ll be in an airport tomorrow, twirling the spinners for Dick Markinko [sp] (we’re sure he isn’t a just a war-porn star?). That website is sick! I mean, for god’s sake, an “Enlist” button? Let’s send the 101st FK over there. I think some of them might be able to handle that boot camp: Marcinko’s Xbox/Playstation game is due soon.
I read Rogue Warrior back in the sexy 90s and thought the autobio suffered from trying to include just enough actual events that he could claim “non-fic”. Hadn’t quite realized that he’d slipped the surly bonds of fact for the adrenaline rush of taking out every last bit of trash a dozen novels offers.
But, dudes, it has to have subtext, serious subtext, or I’m coming back here and going all Ender on you buggers. And not any of that OSC “sex is icky, but my sister…” subtext. That stuff is just plain weird.
If you guys like Empire, then I highly suggest you check out Under Siege by Stephen Coonts. I just had to buy it when I saw this blurb on the back:
“President George Bush is severly wounded by a hired assassin. Vice President Dan Quayle must direct the fight against a ciminal army that now rules the streets.”
I’ve never had the stomach to actually read the book, but the blurb has kept it on my book-shelf for nearly a decade.
Make that “criminal army”
You forgot the first line:
Fight for freedom
Wherever there’s trouble
I loved Michael Ian Black’s take on this. “Translation: ‘We’re goin’ to Nicaragua and we’re gonna kick the Sandanistas’ ass!'”
This is the same author who wrote:
“If only we could have talked to you, the hive queen said in Ender’s words. But since it could not be, we ask only this: that you remember us, not as enemies but as tragic sisters, changed into a foul shape by fate or God or evolution. If we had kissed, it would have been a miracle to make us human in each other’s eyes. Instead we killed each other. But still we welcome you now as questfriends. Come into our home daughters of Earth; dwell in our tunnels, havest our fields,: what we can not do, you are now our hands to do for us. Blossom, trees: ripen, fields; be warm for them, suns; be fertile for them, planets; they are our adopted daughters, and they have come home.”(Ender’s Game, p322)
He has become one of the pitiful characters in his early novels, glorified and empowered by war and destruction and demonization of the enemy.
Another great quote:
“Remember, the enemy’s gate is DOWN!”
“Wow. What the hell happened to OSC?”
http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/cjd/detail_cjd.htm
That’s why it’s so important to get those sharks with frikkin laser beams on their heads stocked into the Potomac as soon as possible!!!
Now really, that’s not so much to ask, is it?
I read Rogue Warrior back in the sexy 90s
Ditto. That’s all I’ve read of him. It was enough, I think, to get the gist. And a 2 week testosterone headache.
God, I’ve gotten another headache from reading that story Sanitas linked. This guy makes OSC look like LeGuin. I mean, truly awful.
Ok, one more jab at Orson and I’m going…
The main character of an action novel should never be named Reuben. Ever.
Unless it is really true that A Hero Ain’t Nothin’ But A Sandwich.
(rimshot)
Thanks, folks, you’ve been great. I’m here all week. Tip your bartenders!
Sheesh. At least when Washington DC got assaulted in Metal Gear Solid 2, it was by a giant robot/base thing that floated up the Potomac, and there was all the subterfuge going on to explain why nobody was doig much about it.
Mr. Card! Congratulations! You have joined the exclusive ranks of authors who dare to be less credible than a video game with a magical knife-throwing vampire in it.
“What the hell happened to OSC?”
You know, without digressing too far, I wonder if what happened to him was that he either lost his ghost-writer, or got a new one.
I have been reading and delighting in, for over ten years, a series of police/legal procedurals set in Manhattan that were well-written, thrilling, had interesting and complex characters, and were actually funny, and seemed to be quite accurate about the cop and lawyer mileu, and had plots that were complex and nuanced. Suddenly, after 13 books, the plots are all about Islamofascist terrorists, supernaturally led Mole People living in underground tunnels, Evil Feminists, and Our Hero the cynical-yet-by-the-book lawyer has suddenly become a scenery-chewing crusader for Truth, Justice, and the American Way, legal process be damned.
At first I wondered if the author had been driven over the edge by 9/11. Then I discovered that, in fact, the previous books that I had LOVED had, in fact been written by a ghost-writer, who just recently quit working for the Author Of Name.
No word on whether the new books are written by a new ghost, or by the actually guy. But they stink!
Maybe this is what happened to ole What’s-His-Name.
Why not set up the rockets on the steps of the Jefferson memorial? Straight shot at the South Lawn of the White House.
Whoooba, WHAT!?
“No, don’t turn there — we’re not going to try to shoot from the Jefferson Memorial. The Independence Av bridge and the cars on it will block any kind of clean shot.�
Are you retarded? Have you BEEN to D fucking C? I met you in Arlington a few years back, Orson, did you not have a free afternoon?
Straight. Shot. You can SEE the White House.
http://www.nationalgeographic.org/walkingtours/Washington_DC_Walking_Tour/dctmap.html
Notice tha lack of blocking of your shot from the Jefferson memorial to the WH.
Side note; Tourists: Do. Not. Drive. Use the Metro. It takes you everywhere, and you will njot have to drive. Don’t do it. Park in Vienna or someplace, take the Metro. You’ll thank me later.
Left of the WWII? So the sniper is standing in the Reflection Pool? Where’s there’s no driving? Or roads?
http://www.visitingdc.com/map/washington-dc-mall-map.htm
This is just full of all sorts of bullshit. The Mall is full, FULL, of cops; on foot or horseback. You think there’s never been a traffic jam? They know how to get around. I’ve seen motorcades driving around during rush hour in freaking Cherry Blossom season. These l33t terra-ests wouldn’t make it two minutes.
Personaly my favorite part is when the hero is reflecting upon his love for his wife, and thinks that although she is a liberal she is a true liberal of the type that “started with Truman and ended with Moynihan”. So he may be tough as nails on the outside, inside he’s a romantic.
Is jounce even a word? I’ve read video game fan fiction that was better written that this.
I thought that the terrorists were supposed to be Radical Progressives or something. Why the hell would they want to kill Jews for an encore? Damn those anti-semitic leftists with their implacable Jew-hatred! Am I missing something here?
Larv, I think he uses this construction because some on the far right have such a limited view of actual Jews that they believe that Jews=Israel and nothing else. These rightist admire their imaginary Jews when they act as proxy fighters in their War Against Whateverthefuckitis, but whenever real Jews step out of this role the rightists are happy to place them back into their default role as Radical Progressives.
Actually, that doesn’t answer your question at all, does it?
OK, let me try again. These rightists believe that The Left is anti-Semitic because The Left isn’t always in complete lockstep with Israel and is therefore objectively pro-Whateverthefuckitis. And to these rightists, Jews=Israel.
Or something.
OK, which one of you broke my italics?
It must be facetious… that’s the only thing I can think of. That comment “Oh yes . . . and schoolchildren,” maybe it’s supposed to show the ridiculous ideas some on the right have about the left. Maybe the book is supposed to misrepresent each side according to the other side’s strawmen. But, that still doesn’t explain the terrible writing.
Or maybe it was written by one of his children? He was several adult children, maybe he’s trying to give one of them the opportunity to break into writing by letting them ghostwrite a book? I don’t know, I’m baffled. But he’s been like this for a while. Check out his “World Watch” column at http://www.hatrack.com
It’s taken me this long to realize the crucial nature of the sign. It must be made of Kevlar which explains not only its waterproof qualities, but why the terrorist continues to hold it while he is shooting at our heroes!
It’s a bullet-proof shield as well as a sign! Diabolical!!!
What if you vote for Finland and it wins ???
Then we’ll have to get the Republicans to start impeachment proceedings before it infects us with its dreaded socialized medicine.
“I wonder what that sign says,� said Reuben. Whatever it said, it was enough to keep the drivers in place without much honking.
“Be vewwy, vewwy qwiet. We’re hunting pwesidents.”
“They drove among the tourist cars until they came to Independence Avenue itself, which was completely blocked going toward the bridge, and had no traffic coming the other way.”
He must have been writing this on the laptop, stuck in a cab in traffic. Seriously. “Driver, slow down here. I need to write about the ordinance for a second, okay, onward to the bridge, jeeves”
But i will grant that the ‘Friday the thirteenth’ laughline is pretty good.
I’m getting here rather late, I know, but this needs to be said:
Orson Scott Card is no Vince Flynn 😉
It seems to me that none of you have any knowledge whatsoever on Military Science concerning a “protractor” and your continuous focus on the first 4 chapters.