Shorter Chuckles Krauthammer
- Obama was insufficiently enthusiastic about escalating a war. Now brown people will laugh at the size of the American penis.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
This is, in a lot of ways, the quintessential neoconservative column. It isn’t enough that Obama send 30,000 troops over to fight the Taliban. No, Obama must provide the neocons with emotional gratification in the form of wanton blood lust. Look at this:
Nonetheless, most supporters of the Afghanistan war were satisfied. They got the policy; the liberals got the speech. The hawks got three-quarters of what Gen. Stanley McChrystal wanted — 30,000 additional U.S. troops — and the doves got a few soothing words. Big deal, say the hawks.
But it is a big deal. Words matter because will matters.
And this is why the neocons will never warm to Obama, no matter how many wars he eventually decides to start. It’s a personality thing, really — Obama likes to give off the air of someone who makes decisions only after careful deliberation and weighing the costs and benefits. The neocons, however, only respect fellow travelers who get funny feelings in their pants when they think about war, people who really get off on the idea of watching other people get blown up. For them, war isn’t merely an act of national defense but an emotional gratification and a validation of their personal strength.
To be fair, I can sympathize with them in some ways. When I used to play StarCraft back in the day, I’d really enjoy sending in a platoon of siege tanks to blow up Zerg encampments. But mercifully for the rest of the world, I learned to get out my primordial thirst for blood through computer games and not through becoming a member of the American foreign policy establishment. If only I’d applied to work at the American Enterprise Institute instead, I could have made quite a name for myself. What could have been and so forth.
Always. Trust. The. Shorter.™
And I don’t mean Krauthammer.
By the way, “Uncertain Trumpet”? Really? Could we be any LESS veiled there, Ironsides?
@actor212 — “Hesitant sausage” would have been better IMHO.
I heard the American penis bends leftward. Maybe that’s what has Charles so upset.
I posted an amended version of that comment at his column, Brad. But “Ironsides” remained. Let’s see if it gets me banned.
But it is a big deal. Words matter because will matters.
It’s amazing. No matter how many times I read this exact sort of “strength is will” crap from neo-cons, it never ceases to give me the shivers.
Sometimes, you just have to remember that these sorts of people were in charge for eight years. I’d say that we really came out lucky.
“Reluctant jackhammer.”
This is fun. Help come up with others, peeps!
I think “Idiocracy” has a great example of how the President’s supposed to enter and address Congress and deal with critics.
“Dysfunctional Probe”
Say, it IS fun!
Another alt-Krauthammer title:
“Indecisive purple-headed warrior.”
C’mon, folks, pile on! I can’t keep this level of genius up forever!
Sometimes, you just have to remember that these sorts of people were in charge for eight years. I’d say that we really came out lucky.
As long as you’re not an American soldier or a resident of Iraq.
Krauthammer has consistently shown he’s as good a judge of policy as he is of water depth.
I will, I will Always. Trust. The. Shorter. With Chuckles, anyway.
Meanwhile, deserving of its own post by the Sadlies, Shorter Jay Nordlinger:
If everyone gets to call teabaggers teabaggers, then why can’t we call niggers niggers?
A song for all the Krauthammers, Cheneys and Roves out there.
Words matter because will matters.
So we will only triumph if we have sufficient will?
Sort of a triumph of the will?
Alt-Krauthammer column title, spam edition:
“SUFF3R FR0M AMB1VALENT M0NST3R IN BED??? P1LLS WILL MAKE GROW!!!!!”
“Half-Hearted Thrust”
“Soft Direction”
Sort of a triumph of the will?
Ja! JA! Now vee are talking!
Alt-Krauthammer column title, spam edition:
“SH3 WIL L LOV3 U 4 IT!”
“Jello Sword”
“Flacid Spear”
“Ambivalent Assault”
“Crying Afterward”
Cautious Custard-cannon
The Modest Codpiece
Tentative Trousersnake
Timid Tonsil-tickler
Not Tiger’s Wood.
Dithering Flugelhorn?
Diffident Dong?
Wavering Pole?
Indifferent Impalement
Saurkrauthammer.
Tangentially related: thesaurus.com does not recognize PENIS.
thesaurus.com does not recognize PENIS.
Well, you know, the new haircut, the lighting’s different, he put on a few pounds…
he new haircut, the lighting’s different, he put on a few pounds…
I think he’s the same size–but the haircut just makes him look bigger.
Limp Piccolo.
Infirm Implement
Hesitant Oboe
Faltering Bassoon
Temporizing Licorice Stick (!)
Wiffling bat.
BTW, has Craphammer gone Iranian? Is he not wearing a tie in solidarity with President Ahmadinejad of Iran? The World must know!
Where’s the beef?
No, really… WHERE’S THE BEEF?
Is he not wearing a tie in solidarity with President Ahmadinejad of Iran?
He’s demonstrating his Flaccid Flute technique.
N__B wins the thread.
No, Obama must provide the neocons with emotional gratification in the form of wanton blood lust.
Yep. It’s a key neocon trait. Never mind policy, never mind ideas, never mind planning, never mind any of the sensible things you’d want a President to do–the neocons want someone who can put on a good show, where “good show” is defined as “acting like their stereotype of a cowboy.” Hence Reagan, Bush the Lesser, and now Palin. They basically want to believe that a Tom Clancy novel can play out in real life, and they want to sit back, watch, and enjoy.
But never participate, of course. Never that.
Empathetic Beheading
Recalcitrant rapier?
Ambiguous pinpoint
Bashful boner
Stifled Stiffy
Muted postal horn?
Rotten wood
More on the origin of Chucky’s trumpet…
Hardware vs Software
Obama hard and soft
Pusillanimous Prong
BTW, I got shit-canned yesterday.
It wasn’t unexpected, as I had figured out over the last 8 months that the company was deeply dishonest. And shitcanning me now allows them to line their pockets with a percentage of my sales that haven’t yet closed – and they were about to owe me $15,000 on stuff closing in the next 35 days. I guess I’m not angry about it because I figured on them to do exactly this and I’ll still get 2/3 of it anyway, and I was pretty desperately searching for the exits already – planning to make the leap as soon as that last sale closed. Plus, I’ll make up some of what they’re ripping off with unemployment.
Meh. You know, sometimes it might be worth $5,000 just not to have endure a bunch of sleazebags for another 35 days. This must be one of those times.
I’ve often felt Krauthammer’s politics, especially in regards to foriegn policy, are motivated by the fact that the same accident that put him that wheelchair probably rendered him impotent. What we are witnessing is the resullt of 30+ years of not being able to get it up.
What I would not give to be on a slow elevator ride to the 109th floor with Mr. Krauthammer.
I’d back his fucking jackass up into a corner and I’d let him have it. I’d tear his childish fantasies apart and reduce him to a gibbering man-boy begging for it to stop.
In fact, I’d like to have a slow elevator ride with several prominent conservatives. Just so I could give them an unfiltered piece of my mind.
BTW, I got shit-canned yesterday.
Gah. It sounds like you are handling it OK. It never feels good, though. Now you can join the Wonderful World of Job Seekers Traveling Minstrel Show and Grovelfest. Good times, good times.
(I’ll be the one shooting spitballs)
Jenn, I’m sorry to hear about the job, but it sounds like you’re handling it well.
Jennifer – take care, in these fucked-up times.
You know, sometimes it might be worth $5,000 just not to have endure a bunch of sleazebags for another 35 days. This must be one of those times.
Have you seen the deal Elin Woods got? $80,000,000 for a few more years married to a cheater…one whome she proved she cold chase out of the house with a golf club…
Whome is a perfectly cromulent word.
Whome is a perfectly cromulent word.
It’s very…woody. Not tinny at all.
Looch said,
December 4, 2009 at 18:27
Gah. It sounds like you are handling it OK.
OK! You! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
Mellifluous. Also.
Never happen, slippy. These guys always travel in packs. Just like how Chuckles will never appear in a forum where his views can be challenged. Always just Fox “All-Stars,” where he gets a sponge-bath from Fred, Mara, Juan and Brit.
BTW, I got shit-canned yesterday.
Ugh, sounds like a shitty situation all around. Good luck with your job search.
The sort of thing that would make Chuckles’ choad chubby (well, except for, you know, um) would be W interrupting people who were trying to discuss the rationale for going to war and saying, “Fuck it, we’re invading Iraq.” He misses those carefree, idyllic days of the earlier part of the decade; Krauthammer hasn’t had any hammertime (if you catch my drift) since then.
BTW, I got shit-canned yesterday.
I feel for you, it’s a crappy way to go regardless of whether you wanted to leave. I’ll be having a drink for you tonight, best of luck on finding a better place to earn your pay!
Disheartened Dong
Unenthusiastic Unit
Tremulous Tallywhacker
Also, sorry to hear about your situation, Jennifer. Here’s hoping those fuckers suffer the same fate as Circuit City did when they canned their more experienced salespeople to save a little on salary and bennies.
Jennifer, I’m so sorry.
FWIW (not much at this point, I know), I always thought you had tons of common sense—too much to be hanging out on this board.
I’m in a precarious situation myself, and if/when the ax falls, I hope I handle it with half the grace and class you seem to have.
Good luck. With your smarts, I’m sure you’ll find something soon.
Jennifer – I’ve been in very similar situations, and I know that sucks-but-yet-it’s-a-relief feeling. Kind of like barfing up that bad egg salad.
I hope things go well for you and you find a new gig with non-assholes.
Jennifer, good luck finding a gig. Remember to use all your contacts, you never know who will put you onto another opening.
And yeah, working for a bunch of sleazebags sux but the paychecks are nice.
Jennifer, your linking abilities hint at a bright future with Sadly Industries. The Nordlinger column is gold.
But it is a big deal. Words matter because will matters.
A world view built on Ayn Rand, (a bad reading of) Nietzsche, and Conan movies.
What could possibly go wrong?
Thanks guys. I had actually already started working with a partner on perhaps setting up a business, a school fundraising company. We had already scheduled a meeting for last night…I got canned at around 3, had a hair appointment at 5 and the meeting at 7…so I didn’t really process it until late last night. But I’m totally ok with it. And from our meeting with the accountant last night and getting some good hard numbers, we think it’s a go. I’ve started the business plan today and we think we can start setting up fundraisers by mid-January…but we’ve also got to find 6 people willing to invest $5,000. I’m thinking that’s do-able with a good plan and using even very conservative estimates of revenue.
Ok, enough. But thank you. I really did a number on my ex-boss when he was delivering the news – he wasn’t really able to give any reason other than, more or less, “you ask questions we don’t want to hear.” He tried to get me to sign something that said I had gotten a write up; I made him mark it out with his pen. Then he tried to say there was a verbal warning. There wasn’t, so I added that bit of info, signed off on it, and as I was getting up to leave, said, “I sympathize with you Ken. It’s a shitty job you’ve got and they have to find someone willing to do it.” And walked out.
Jennifer,
Moving on is good. Abusive anythings (employers, SO, family, pets, kids, undergarments) are not worth enduring.
My sympathies, Jennifer. I, too, am fixing to join the ranks of the unemployed. I will continue full-time until the end of the month, then continue as a “temp” through January (I asked for this arrangement so I could take advantage of the COBRA subsidy, which expires at the end of the year).
Like you, I am actually kind of glad to be cut loose. I don’t relish the idea of pounding the pavement, but the company I toil for is circling the drain. We went from almost 1000 employees when I started 10 years ago to less than 200 now (a large percentage of those positions having been outsourced to, you guessed it, India).
Of the remaining employees, management has already stated that another 50 will be phased out by the end of ’10. Those that remain will be salary-frozen, no bonuses, no profit-sharing contribution (no profit!), no bonuses, and 5 furlough days in th upcoming year. Morale could not possibly be lower.
Compadres! I grok your pain.
But I think all you folks are some hi-intelligence mofos, which translates into an easier time in finding A job, if not THE job. Think of the poor folks who have nowhere to move down the wage ladder when jobs get tight. It hurts, but we’ll all survive.
But if there’s any way I can avoid it, I will never, ever, ever, as god is my witness, be anyone’s employee again.
Jennifer, Steerpike you have my sympathies and hopes for short sojourns among the unemployed. But speaking from experience, when you aren’t the last one out the door, there’s a much better chance that final check will clear the bank.
“I sympathize with you Ken. It’s a shitty job you’ve got and they have to find someone willing to do it.”
Made my day. Jeez that’s awesome.
Flickering flashlight
Shy ferret
Rubber crowbar
Dud bottle rocket
Quavering battering ram
What’s really weird is, Obama could wage a literal war of world domination, and these guys still wouldn’t be happy, because he’d couch the war in such petty terms as “national interest,” instead of such lofty goals as “having the biggest dick.”
And am I the only one who liked Obama’s speech for the lack of soaring rhetoric? It wasn’t rousing and emotional. It was serious and businesslike. He wasn’t treating the West Point cadets and the American people as an audience to be entertained. He was treating them as stockholders in America’s future, as grown-ups who deserve to know the hard truth.
No, really… WHERE’S THE BEEF?
Shorter Robbins:
I really want to see the president’s genitalia and, frankly, it’s bad for national security that he doesn’t wave his dick around more.
@ Ted
Secondeded. Backhanded insults are teh awesome.
He was treating them as stockholders in America’s future, as grown-ups who deserve to know the hard truth.
I agree. Here’s the thing. NONE of our “leaders” are willing to treat the American people like grown-ups. The last person who did was Jimmy Carter, and look where that got him. Obama doesn’t really talk about the hard truth most of the time, but when he does, it’s refreshing. I was thrilled to hear him say that now is the time to put aside childish things in his inaugural address–I just wish he’d say it more often.
Tentative tent-pitcher.
Flaccid Klaxon
Flaccid Klaxon
Gesundheit.
Think of the poor folks who have nowhere to move down the wage ladder when jobs get tight.
That’s me. Or it has been. That’s why I shoot spitballs.
But. BUT. A casual “informational” interview may be morphing into something more substantial. More interviews forthcoming Monday! And it seems like a job that I would LIKE.
**Crosses fingers**
**Lights candle**
**
chokes chicken (for sacrifice)****Rubs rabbit’s foot (annoying rabbit)**
“I sympathize with you Ken. It’s a shitty job you’ve got and they have to find someone willing to do it.”
**Standing golf clap**
Looch – I hope it comes through and it’s as good or better than you hoped.
Tremulous Tuba
wafflin’ whanger
Thanks, Jen. Good luck with your venture.
Looch –
Don’t omit choking the chicken. It can be the most important part of a job interview.
At the interview for my first full-time, permanent job, I grabbed a fly out of the air (it was annoying the hell out of me and I was nervous enough without that) and threw it in the garbage. I figure the post-interview conversation went something like “I don’t know if the kid knows anything about engineering, but we should hire him. He’s got fast hands.)
Good luck with your venture.
Everyone here will I’m sure hear a lot more about it than they care to know. I’ll try for restraint.
Andrew, I think your explanation is too complicated. Obama is a Negro Muslim Fascist Socialist Communist Union Foreigner Upstart. That’s the only reason they don’t like him or anything he does. He could give tax cuts for the rich and they’d bitch that he was increasing the deficit. He could ban gay marriage and they’d complain that he was wasting time on petty issues.
No matter what he does, they want him to fail because he’s fundamentally an inferior specimen who does not know his place. That’s because the GOP are nothing more than a bunch of ignorant shithead racist assholes.
Lying Liberal?
As in “we are going to beat the Lying Liberals in the elections.”
or “we need to show those lying liberals who’s the boss.”
Come on, someone else too must of have noticed the rhetoric.
I’m still on the fence on raise of compassionate conservatism though. Sounds unlikely.
Shorter Slippy, contained within Slippy…and therefore Synecdoche Slippy: The GOP are nothing more than a bunch of ignorant shithead racist assholes.
Yes.
The comments by and about Jennifer are a good example of why the whole idea of a movie like “Up in the Air” pisses me off. This Jason Reitman (“Thank You for Smoking,” “Juno”) is turning out to be a real asshole.
The comments by and about Jennifer are a good example of why the whole idea of a movie like “Up in the Air” pisses me off.
Because he’s made a hero of a firing consultant or some other reason? I’m not being a smart-ass here – I’m sleep-deprived and feeling very slow.
Jennifer–just out of curio, what part of the country are you in?
Another nomination for S,N! treatment:
This guy works for the LA Times.
Because he’s made a hero of a firing consultant or some other reason?
The first one. From what I can tell from the trailers, the Clooney character and his company don’t even offer outplacement counseling, which is at least a semi-legitimate business. Clooney just flies in, drops the bomb, babysits the poor schmucks while they cry and rage, then flies on to the next job.
I believe such a job is as mythical as repo men for transplanted body organs. And like organ repo men, it’s a disgusting concept. Besides, “Up in the Air” doesn’t even have Paris Hilton.
I’ll try for restraint.
Fuck that. A little wild-eyed enthusiasm is always welcome.
Allegedly green Obama lights National Christmas Tree, leaves them on
*sigh* Boehlert’s update is 100% spot-on: “Imagine the idiotic things Malcolm would write if Obama announced that, in order to save energy, the national Christmas tree would not be lit this year?”
Besides, maybe it has those communofascist (and, quite frankly, ugly) LED lights that don’t take up much energy.
Bitter Scribe –
Yeah. Unfortunate choice of role for Clooney, who seems to generally be an okay person.
Besides, “Up in the Air” doesn’t even have Paris Hilton.
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Nearly a hundred comments and no one has yet to use hte word throbbing.
Slacking surge?
Casus debilitated?
LED lights are the green felt stars of liberal fascism
Re: Up in the Air, my understanding of the film was that it wasn’t particularly glorifying Clooney’s character, but that it was making a point about the corporate world and the nature of modern capitalism as a whole. He flies in, lays a bunch of people that he doesn’t even know off, and then flies out. In other words, he contributes absolutely nothing to society, but has massive amount of power over other people’s lives.
But I despised Juno and was not that impressed by Thank You for Not Smoking, so I’m not ruling out the idea that the movie is as douchey as you say it is.
To start: best of luck to Jennifer. My wife lost her job back in October, and the job market is a tough one — there just ain’t much out there worth it (she’d need to make $13/hour to earn more than unemployment at this point). Hang in there, though. It’ll be all good.
Also:
Flatlined Funstick
If Krauthammer ever read Blood Meridian he jerked off when the Judge was talking.
Next you’ll be telling me that Sauron wasn’t the tragic hero of LOTR.
Fife and Drum and a Smoke Break.
These klowns always have 2 columns typed up and ready to go. Depending which decision Obama makes, they hit “send” on the file that explains why the decision was the wrong one.
The whole Olympics bedacle was a perfect example. If Obama had NOT gone to Copenhagen to lobby the IOC for the Chicago games, the wingers would have written about how horrible it was that the Presidnet couldn’t take the time to push for this very important cause–why does he hate America. Since he did go, they printed the columns about how this was a horrible waste of time for a sitting president to go to Copenhagen, when there were so many more important crises he should be dealing with–why does he hate America?
Then, when the IOC was preparing to announce its decision, one column was a rant about how Obama had used “Chicago politics” to intimidate the committe, and that this would be the worst run, most corrup Olympiad of all time! They ended up submitting the other one, about how this decision was a repudiation of Obama’s supposed influence over the rest of the world, and proved what an inneffectual leader he was, after all.
Then again, the Judge advocated that personal stakes be risked. Krauthammer must’ve missed that part.
Since the stimulus passed, 2.8 MILLION jobs have been lost.
It only gets worse and worse.
Don’t get too excited that we lost “only” 11,000 jobs with this month, this is most likely a dead cat bounce before a “double dip” recession. It takes 100,000 new jobs just to make up for population growth, anyway.
Unemployment may have dropped too, but that’s only because people have given up Hope (pun intended) in finding work, so they stop looking.
With a double-dip recession on the horizon, mounting deficits, and tax hikes right around the corner, the economy is going to take a BIG hammering the likes of which has never been seen in 2010.
What I don’t get is the righty-tighty opposition to “time tables”. Don’t we want our enemies to sit tight and wait it out? After all, if they are sitting tight and waiting out our military involvement, they aren’t being violently disruptive — which will allow the government we are supposedly trying to build to get on its feet and be ready for our “enemies” when they come out of hiding? And anyway, while our enemies are sitting tight, they might gain some weight from a lack of exercise and loose their taste for fighting …
At the very least, sending a clear message that we will only be around for a limited time will prompt our allies to get off their duffs and start doing what we want them to do as well as reassure those who fear foreign occupation that we don’t intend to have a permanent imperial presence — which will sap support for our “enemies” as well as make it so those who do want us out will realize that their best choice is to cooperate with us (“if you want us out according to our timeline, we need to see goals X, Y and Z met”).
So why the opposition to “time lines”? It’s almost as if the neo-cons, etc., want to keep sending our kids into over-heated hell-holes in order to maintain a permanent imperial presence and fight a permanent war against a steady supply of “terrorist enemies” …
If Krauthammer ever read Blood Meridian he jerked off when the Judge was talking.
Ouch.
Not that he doesn’t deserve it, but still: ouch.
How wonderful an intertubes this is, that you can find such delights while Googling musical PENIS.
DKW – That’s the most beautiful story I’ve ever read.
He tried to get me to sign something that said I had gotten a write up; I made him mark it out with his pen. Then he tried to say there was a verbal warning. There wasn’t, so I added that bit of info, signed off on it
Wow. Seriously sounds like they were trying to deny you unemployment insurance. Scumbags.
I’m unemployed right now, so I sympathize. Good luck.
Also: timorous trombone.
I’d say shallow diver, but that would just be mean.
Photoshopped Obama movie posters by right wing cranks.
Yoiks. Didn’t see that last one however…
“Some Like It Alliterative!”
Obstreperous obelisk.
Tilted tallywhacker.
Languid lingam.
Wobbly weiner.
Desultory dingus.
Tempestuous trouser-snake.
Timid tentacle.
Torpid torpedo.
[ ad snarkeum ]
Next you’ll be telling me that Sauron wasn’t the tragic hero of LOTR.
NO WAY!
Re-reading, I realize that was a big ol’ derrrrr of a post. Apologies. I need some lunch.
Prevaricating pickle?
That’s the most beautiful story I’ve ever read.
Tell that Sumit Dam, and while you’re at it, convince him to let me make a film version starring Hugh Jackman – where the musical notes also have the destructive power of a sonic boom!!11!LOLone!
But really, I dunno how something like that comes up when you search for those random phrases that appeal to the thirteen year old inside your head.
Hey, folks, pardon me if this has been covered already, but WHAT THE HOLY PIDDLING FUCK is up with these people?
From the AP:
updated 5:37 a.m. ET, Fri., Dec . 4, 2009
CHARLESTON, West Virginia – The Gospel of Luke records that, as he was dying on the cross, Jesus showed his boundless mercy by praying for his killers this way: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.”
Not so fast, say contributors to the Conservative Bible Project.
The project, an online effort to create a Bible suitable for contemporary conservative sensibilities, claims Jesus’ quote is a disputed addition abetted by liberal biblical scholars, even if it appears in some form in almost every translation of the Bible.
The douchenozzle behind this is, of course, the guy who runs Conservopedia.
Okay, I NEVER EVER EVER want to hear word #1 out of the ignnint piehole of any wingnut about “political correctness” ever again. Not when they’ve decided to RE-WRITE THE FUCKING BIBLE to fit their ideological wankering.
Steerpike – sorry, I wandered off for a bit…doing some research for the biz.
I’m in Arkansas. Things haven’t been as bad here in terms of unemployment. But make no mistake – my job was not “lost” – these greedy motherfuckers will have hired someone into my position within a month – some someone who they can keep working on a pittance of a “draw” against the time 6 months from now that they have enough sales to actually make some money on commissions. Then they’ll cook up a reason to fire them, too, just before they have to write out that check.
Don’t we want our enemies to sit tight and wait it out? After all, if they are sitting tight and waiting out our military involvement, they aren’t being violently disruptive — which will allow the government we are supposedly trying to build to get on its feet and be ready for our “enemies” when they come out of hiding?
Not only that, it seems like if regular citizens gain some stability, get jobs, rebuild institutions, experience more security and prosperity, then the hard-core guys aren’t going to have much to exploit if they, theoretically, “lay low and wait it out.” Recruiting a fearful and insecure population is easy. Recruiting the same people 18 months later, maybe not so much.
Wow. Seriously sounds like they were trying to deny you unemployment insurance. Scumbags.
Yes, I’m sure that’s what they have in mind. If they weren’t a bunch of dumb motherfuckers, when they had me turn over the computer they would have invalidated my webmail access code.
Because they are a bunch of dumb motherfuckers, I was able to print off various and sundry documents, correspondences, etc that will not help them in an attempt to deny unemployment – including one from the boss who let me go, written less than a week ago, commending me for the “great job” I was doing.
Heh.
So sorry to hear, Jennifer. Hope you can find something soon.
No offense, Jennifer, but from the sound of it, you’re better off out of there.
Minus the paycheck, unfortunately of course.
Good luck with the job hunt.
Well, in Chuckles’ defense (can’t believe I’m saying that), a lot of bin Laden’s trash talk involves the idea that the U.S. is weak and can be pushed around. I’m sure he wants to fight that with some tough talk of his own.
Of course, in the real world you don’t win wars with talk, and you definitely don’t fight them because of talk. I don’t have a problem with 30K more troops, as long as they go in there with a plan and a goal for victory, which is something that we have not had anywhere in the world since 9/11. Killing a guy who is wearing/might wear/might know someone who wears/might support people who wear/might vote for someone who might support someone who wears suicide vests is not much of a plan.
34 Then Jesus said, “How can they be starving if they gots cellphones and X-boxes? Seriously. What. Up. With. That.”
Too “ethnic” for wingnuts. Too “urban”.
Unless of course the guy saying it is wearing a three-piece suit with his bling-blong and doing his lame interpretation of gang signs.
No, seriously…I’m over it. But I’m not going to let them off the hook for paying every penny they owe me under my contract, or by denying unemployment.
Hey, folks, pardon me if this has been covered already, but WHAT THE HOLY PIDDLING FUCK is up with these people?
Yeah, pretty batshit, right? Also, “laborers” is somehow a leftist word and must be replaced by “volunteers,” even though they don’t even mean close to the same thing.
Yes, I’m sure that’s what they have in mind. If they weren’t a bunch of dumb motherfuckers, when they had me turn over the computer they would have invalidated my webmail access code. – Jennifer
Sounds like my wife’s last job (she too is currently unemployed).
Good luck to all those seeking jobs — it’s a tough world out there. I just hope I can hold onto my current job (knock wood): I’m in a department that didn’t tenure its last two hires (there is currently a lawsuit … but I didn’t know any of this when I took the position).
Holy fuck. Talk about finding some delightful stuff in the places you’d least expect:
Um, don’t that kinda upset the whole immaculate conception thingy? And isn’t that kinda central to the whole risin’-up dealio?
Ah, perhaps not. We need a paternity test. Nuts.
Just out of curiosity, would a recently edited version of bible still be equally perfect and uncorrupted message from god as the older one?
Aren’t they opening a REALLY big can of worms?
How can you eat the worms if nobody opens the can?
I think we should just elect a professional wrestler President next time around.
Then these people can get all the tough talk, chest thumping and macho posturing that they so desperately crave without anyone actually getting killed.
How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your worms?
Good luck to all those seeking jobs — it’s a tough world out there.
Heh. I applied for one job at a prestigious local college. I was certainly qualified but didn’t make the interview cut. Four hundred applications, many from around the country. And this was for an mid-level writing/editing gig. Weirdly, I feel OK with it.
Um, don’t that kinda upset the whole immaculate conception thingy? And isn’t that kinda central to the whole risin’-up dealio?
I read that as being metaphorical–“He’s like a son to me,” that kind of thing.
BTW, the immaculate conception refers to the birth of Mary, not Jesus. The RCC decreed some time ago that Mary had been born without original sin, which is I guess like having an extended warranty. The phrase I think you’re looking for is “virgin birth.”
[/pedantry]
I think we should just elect a professional wrestler President next time around.
Didn’t work so well in Minnesota, IIRC.
There are certain fundamentalist sects who believe that the King James and only the King James is the one true inspired translation of the Bible.
It should be fun to watch what happens when they get wind of this.
There are certain fundamentalist sects who believe that the King James and only the King James is the one true inspired translation of the Bible.
It should be fun to watch what happens when they get wind of this.
Hell, what about when the Southern Baptist Conference finds out?
I expect head-asploedy big time ’round these here parts.
BTW, the immaculate conception refers to the birth of Mary, not Jesus. The RCC decreed some time ago that Mary had been born without original sin, which is I guess like having an extended warranty. The phrase I think you’re looking for is “virgin birth.”
Eh. I got thrown out of bible class.
Yep, you guessed it.
Spitballs.
John 3:16 v2.0: “For God so loved the world he knocked up Joseph’s fiance.”
It should be fun to watch what happens when they get wind of this.
A whole ‘nother round of dueling purity tests.
“Garcon, more popcorn!”
For God so loved the world he travelled through a vagina the no-fun way.
Meek melodica
Homely harmonica
Unsure ukelele
For God so loved the world long time. Happy ending.
Hey Jennifer, my daughter’s school is needing some organized fundraising (and since she’s a freshman in high school, this would be something needed over the next few years.) What services would you be offering? Can you work with a California school?
I think it would be a hoot if you got a client through a contact with Sadly, No!
(You can reach me through the link to my blog on my name here. Dammed if I’m posting my e-mail addy on a S,N! comment list!)
The floggings will continue until morale improves.
Wangchuck 3:16
Dammed if I’m posting my e-mail addy on a S,N! comment list!
Coward@chickenshit.com
Tergiversating Trebuchet.
The Great Orange Satan currently has a diary about Shatner(!) interviewing Limbaugh. In a question about health care, Limbaugh actually comes very close to saying “because I said so, shut up that’s why.”
ifuckedup
It’s that whole expectations thing. See, righties like having expectations of everybody else. Bush liked moralizing sternly from his fucking podium about sanctity of life, etcerea. But holding righties themselves accountable is completely insane. It is rude, and offensive, and makes their widdle eyes water up with tears.
Also this cuts into their real agenda which is to waste money and time in Afghanistan and funnel cash into Erik Prince’s pockets and generally dick-wave for no real good reason. Also the prospect of a mission actually being “accomplished” in that troops actually come home and the god-damned fucking altercation actually ends is probably daunting because without us being in a “time of war” conservatives don’t get to harp on the rest of us for not being sufficiently chest-beatingly patriotic (from the safety of our magnetic-stickered SUV’s).
Maybe that’s just a long way of saying that all Republicans are stupid fucking assholes. Which is a tautological and inescapable truth.
Actually, there is a bit of, well, fan-fiction of a sort, that depicts Sauron as exactly that, called The Morlindale
http://www.xeper.org/maquino/nm/Morlindale.pdf
It’s written by (makes perfect sense) Michael Aquino, former 2nd-in-command of the Church of Satan, now 1st-in-command of the Temple of Set.
Pretty good writing, actually. Think of Sauron as the ultimate neo-con, trying to bring ORDER to a chaotic world, calling out liberal pussies like Aragorn and Gandalf for their hypocritical treatment of the long suffering Orcs, and dissing the Valar and the Elves for letting things in Middle Earth get so fucked up without doing anything about it.
Pere Ubu said,
From the AP:
Not so fast, say contributors to the Conservative Bible Project.
The Conservabibble has also been the target of regular mockery at Balloon Juice, but some guardian of Proportion and Perspective invariably pops up each time to point out the unfairness of using the Conservabibble project to bash the broader Baptist Theocracy movement, since it’s really restricted to Schafly and a few home-schooled mates. Not worthy of the attention it receives. Also.
And now it’s featuring in AP? How fast they grow.
Still an army officer I believe, perhaps the only one to speak to Satan personally. Unless Cheney counts.
while Googling musical PENIS.
Honestly, darling, it’s just an ocarina.
Naw. You might misunderstand what the Catholics mean by “Immaculate Conception”. It’s not the same thing as the “Virgin Birth” of Jesus. It’s the idea that Mary (not Jesus) was the result of an “Immaculate Conception” – IOW, she was born without the “curse of Eve” on her soul, making her a suitable “vessel” to bear the Son of God. She is the “2nd Eve” in a manner of speaking. It’s what’s behind the passage, “born of a virgin without spot.” Mary was the one “born without spot.” So was Jesus, of course, but that goes without saying.
The passage in question merely refers to the idea that Jesus was making provision for his mother to be taken care of after he was gone. Since they didn’t have Social Security in those days, it was a real issue. And since she was the mother of a convicted criminal and blasphemer, she could expect to be driven away from town and die in a ditch somewhere, if someone didn’t take her in and care for her in her old age.
To the Gospel writers, it was anticipating a criticism of the Jesus story – “Hey, what about his mother? What kind of savior lets his mother die as an outcast?”
Bitter Scribe – While Ventura was not very good, TPaw makes him look like FDR. Pawlenty is doing his best to turn a once-proud progressive state into Alabama with snow.
Hell, even Arne Carlson was better than this worthless bastard.
Joe Max – sorry, my sister called. And she can talk forever.
I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to help out your daughter’s school – we’re going to be geographically centered here in Little Rock and plan to just cover the state. But I’m sure there would be probably several dozen school fundraising companies in California that could help. Much appreciated anyway!
We’re going to try to go a bit beyond what the other companies have been doing and offer an assortment of locally-produced non-perishable gourmet food items – like Petit Jean hams, fruit & pecans in season, rice mixes, sorghum syrup, honey, etc. We’re trying to establish a real strong local identity and message about linking schools to communities and communities to others throughout the state. Also looking at some great things like that french olive oil pump soap that smells like actual lavender, other types of body products. We’ll have to do the frozen, pre-packaged cookie dough and that type of stuff at least initially, until we build some working capital. But even there, we’re going to look for a local bakery or similar business that could make it custom for us – if people got a taste of Jennifer’s “Better Than Crack” Oatmeal Chocolate-Chip Cookies, they’d never buy any other kind. Though I’m not sure how the “Better Than Crack” brand will go down with schools and daycares.
The passage in question merely refers to the idea that Jesus was making provision for his mother to be taken care of after he was gone.
Expect the Conservabible version to spell out the underlying message that a tax-funded social-welfare net is a bad thing since it undercuts private charity and family networking.
Honestly, darling, it’s just an ocarina.
The things some people put on their lips.
Retired. Formerly of the Office of Military Intelligence. Which figures, right?
OH HAI! IMMA LET U FINNICH BUT CEILING CAT St1LL HAZ b357357 VERSHUN. OF ALL TIME.
Charles Krauthammer: Paralyzed Pecker.
<sad trombone>Wah wah wah wah</sad trombone>
Call them BTC biscuits, and if anyone asks, it is short for “better, tastier, crunchier”.
DKW: that lolcatbible is amazing, thanks. Leviticus is much improved:
Meek melodica. Also.
it’s really restricted to Schafly and a few home-schooled mates. Not worthy of the attention it receives. Also.
He isn’t related to Phyllis, is he?
LD, that’s genius. I’m a huge fan of the double entendre.
Reminds me of the time I had a big party and invited all my relatives and everyone I knew…because of the outdoor downtown location the venue required us to hire a security person, so to help him tell the invitees from the gate-crashers, I printed up a bunch of stickers with the abominable snowman on them, and the caption “Yeti Family Reunion ’98”.
So there were all these people running around with no idea that the stickers they were wearing identified them as Bigfoots (Bigfeet?).
What I don’t get is the righty-tighty opposition to “time tables”
It’s that whole expectations thing. See, righties like having expectations of everybody else. Bush liked moralizing sternly from his fucking podium about sanctity of life, etcerea. But holding righties themselves accountable is completely insane.
Well, your analysis of righties may be right, but I disagree that this is why they oppose time tables.
They oppose time tables for one simple reason:
A liberal proposed it.
That’s enough to make it anathema for them, no matter the fact that it was a different war and several years ago, and that conditions at that time are different than conditions at this time. The fact that liberals championed a timetable to get out of Iraq, the righties will always and forever oppose the idea.
In 2575, when debating the war on the Romulan asteroid belt, the right wing will firmly and unyeildingly oppose setting a timetable to get out because it has been a core element of their values ever since August 2005 when Russ Feingold proposed it.
Their opposition to doing something about global warming is exactly the same thing. You couldn’t get a wingnut to tell you WHY they oppose it, but the real reason, the true reason, is “shut up Al Gore that’s why.”
Only if you count “mother and son” as a kind of relation.
I’ll see your LOLcat Leviticus and raise you the Polari Bible.
Aquino’s homepage is here:
http://www.xeper.org/maquino/index.html
He wrote some interesting papers on the nature of military psyops, and regarding “Operation Stargate” (recently made famous by the “Men Who Stare At Goats” film.) Money quote: “What was really happening in the “men who stare at goats” experiments, and why you shouldn’t try this with a wolf, tiger, or grizzly bear.”
He used to write a lot on alt.satanism and he was a real no-fooling asshole.
SC: Nice, the Polari lexicon even has trolls in it.
A big FYWP. Long ago in my Usenet days I got a taste of Aquino’s astonishing assholery, so it’s awful hard to read anything he writes.
44 For I am the Duchess your Gloria: ye shall therefore bonafy yourselves, and ye shall be fabulosa; for I am fabulosa: nishta shall ye defile yourselves with any manner of creeping fakement that creepeth upon the earth.
45 For I am the Duchess that bringeth you up out of the land of Egypt, to be your Gloria: ye shall therefore be fabulosa, for I am fabulosa.
46 This is the law of the beasts, and of the fowl, and of every living creature that trolleth in the aquas, and of every creature that creepeth upon the earth:
47 To make a difference between the nanti sparkle and the clean, and between the beast that may be jarried and the beast that may not be jarried.
47 To make a difference between the nanti sparkle and the clean, and between the beast that may be jarried and the beast that may not be jarried.
Sounds like the Gospel According To Bon Ami.
I’ll see your LOLcat Leviticus and raise you the Polari Bible.
I fold. The Brick Testament doesn’t even have a Leviticus section, although there is some stuff under The Law
Flagging Flagpole
And here’s my own contribution to ersatz biblical lore, The Nonsequitorian Bible (aka “The Holy Babble” or “Liber vel Nonsequitoria”)
http://web.archive.org/web/20010803140259/inconnu.isu.edu/~bingo/wombat/wombat.html
Nonsequitoria, Chapter 12, verse 17-25
17 The baboon assistant did chortle and curse in Urdu as the perfumed seashells fell from the sky, yeah, from the sky.
18 And LO, the power of the WORD moved through the BOWELS, yeah, through the bowels, and LO, there was much rejoicing and devouring of kielbasa.
19 A voice spaketh out from the wilderness, but the voice did sayeth nothing.
20 The spines of their women did curl, and their orifices did becometh CLOGGED with Brillo pads.
21 Verily, verse 21 says nothing to any of the readers of this book.
22 And the end days are upon us, even then, even now, and ever after, for thine is the Lysol, and the Spam, and the Guava Juice forever. Ah, men.
23 Naked, naked, three times naked is the word of the wombat.
24 Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Elise was horrified to discover something additional about the properties of superglue, yeah, superglue, when used as a sexual lubricant.
25 And lo, the comments were made, the bodies were safely hidden from the eyes of the authorities, and the cookie cutters did rain down upon the heads of the faithful and the infidel alike: the green mucus of the LORD did descend unto the bereft widow and say: “BWAAAAAAAAAhahahahahahaaahahahahahahahahahha!”
Maybe we’ve been wrong this whole thread. “Uncertain trumpet” could be a reference to atonal flatulence.
To be fair, I can sympathize with them in some ways. When I used to play StarCraft back in the day, I’d really enjoy sending in a platoon of siege tanks to blow up Zerg encampments.
Don’t forget the soldiers to protect the tanks from the Zerglings. KEKEKEKEKEKE ^-^
Sharp flatulence?
While I’m not in the habit of quoting Hillary Clinton, it’s as she says: BHO could walk on water & Neocons would say he couldn’t swim.
I heard lots of right wingers jerking off about how BHO was stupid & didn’t know what to do as CiC when he took some time to “consider” the options. Neocons and their fellow-traveling teabaggers (and no, I don’t think because I use that term, that said teabaggers “get” to use teh “n” word; teabaggers are a bunch of entitled white jerks mostly sucking at the gov’t tit) only like it when someone who appears as dumb as them makes what seems like a knee-jerk – but, to them, “masterful” – reactive decision with no forethought whatsover.
But as one commenter said much earlier: Neocons will also hate on BHO no matter what just because. He doesn’t “know his place,” which is either in sports or picking up their garbage (no offense intended to trash collectors) or in jail. In their fantasies, the darkies would still be out picking cotton for free, along with the wimminz being free for the taking. The end.
SHARP!
FLATULENCE!
How sounds the wind with so many around me
I feel lost in the city
The sun shines on the docks of Brooklyn, and I am both erect and flatulent
My wind is the wind of a nation: tall, broad, full of beans
I sing of my wind to docks and the ships and the beans,
I sing of my wind to the dock-builders, and the ship-builders, and the bean-eaters
Subby, you been reading “Strange Interlude” again? I told you not to do that until after you’ve had a drink or five…
Josie and the Pussycats
Long tails and and ears for hats
Guitars and sharps and flatulence
Neat, sweet, a groovy song
You’re invited, come along.
The neocon approach to foreign policy can be summed up as “Ready! Fire! Aim!”
approach to foreign policy
Far too generous of a description. These creeps are just pissed that they missed out on the colonial estates, drinking gin while protected by armed guards.
“Uncertain trumpet” could be a reference to atonal flatulence.
Oh, so the headline was about Kraphammer then?
Makes as much sense as anything.
Tonal flatulence.
neocon approach to foreign policy
REEEEEEEEEEETREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These creeps are just pissed that they missed out on the colonial estates, drinking gin while protected by armed guards.
Disagree.
They have the armed guards and gated communities here, after all.
What they’re REALLY pissed about is the fact that they can’t send afremnentioned armed guards out into Apache Country to massacre a few of the natives.
Tonal flatulence.
Toot sweet!
I preferred playing the Zerg and swarming the human bases.
Does that make me a terrorist?
I sing of my wind to the dock-builders, and the ship-builders, and the bean-eaters
But suck just ONE LITTLE GOAT…
No, really… WHERE’S THE BEEF?
I am tremendously disappointed that this is not a Pantload screed!
Not only that, it seems like if regular citizens gain some stability, get jobs, rebuild institutions, experience more security and prosperity, then the hard-core guys aren’t going to have much to exploit if they, theoretically, “lay low and wait it out.” Recruiting a fearful and insecure population is easy. Recruiting the same people 18 months later, maybe not so much.
GOP or Taliban? That is the question.
Condolences to Jennifer and Steerpike. You folks are brilliant and talented, and I am sure you’ll land on your feet.
Uhh… that was me…
Words matter because will matters.
Dr Krauthammer could walk if his willpower were strong enough.
Tonal flatulence
That sink is tiny.
Submissive Meat Missle
Doubtful Donkey Dong.
Does that make me a terrorist?
My life for Aiur!
Zerglings are the Jews of Protoss fascism.
Unextended Metaphor. Dangling Participle. Not-So-Grand Wazoo.
So, have we beaten this joke to death yet or is it still twitching?
On Krauthammer: Chomsky’s been saying for over ten years that the USA’s foreign policy approximates the policies of a mafia Don. They believe they have to keep proving their cred by beating down anybody who even slightly challenges them, lest they lose their place of dominance.
The only difference between Chomsky’s position that of Krauthammer and the neocons is that Chomsky thinks this sort of policy is bad.
On Jennifer: I’m sorry to hear about your job situation. I hope your new venture takes off.
On the Conservabible: In the other Synoptic gospels, both the men crucified with Jesus are described as taunting him. Luke stands out by having one of them repent. Not all the accounts can be correct, so of course Schlafly would settle the discrepancy in favour of the one that doesn’t include the forgiveness of sins; that having nothing to do with Wingnut Christianity.
On Krauthammer
A big smelly pile of p00p.
Tonal flatulence
Given my skill at the bass, that should be my band’s name.
Uh, that was me.
They oppose time tables for one simple reason:
A liberal proposed it.
If Obama would just declare National Not Setting Yourself On Fire Week, he could solve a lot of his political problems via natural selection.