What a pervert.

Oh yeah? Well what about gay gay gay spooge? Either baby Jesus doesn’t care or it makes him puke. Which is it, huh?

I am only a Catholic laywoman who has thought long and hard about all of this – as many of us Catholic laywomen have!

If masturbation is so evil why oh why does she tempt me so?

PeeJ, the only reason people put ejaculate anywhere but inside the vagina is to avoid pregnancy. Swallowing cum is a direct affront to God’s personal plan for you, and every drop of spurt carelessly splattered all over the place goes back in time and goes right in Jesus’ crown of thorns holes. You know this is true because a bunch of wizened old boy-diddlers in robes said it.

I am only a Catholic laywoman who has thought long and hard about all of this – as many of us Catholic laywomen have!

“Sorry, honey, you know I’d love to go down on you but you might accidentally sin against God while I’m doing it, and we can’t have that. Now go be a good boy and put on your cilice.”

So she responds to one of the most hilariously merciless reductio ad absurdum skewerings of Catholic anti-contraception doctrine ever by pouting and saying, “wwwwwelll, it’s truuuuue!” Good luck convincing the population that you’re not a hopeless meddling loon with that argument, dear.

what does she do with the leftovers? freeze ’em?

So you’re saying that I have drowned Baby Jesus in a deep, deep pool of his own lacrimation?

Awesome, brb.

I am only a Catholic laywoman who has thought long and hard about all of this

Spotlighted penis envy reference.

Also, maybe someone here knows the anwer, the Great Gazoogle has let me down. I was trying to determine how long sperm lives within the male body after being produced. All Gazoogle seems to want me to know is how long it can live in the female body. I just want to know if a male human were to go through life without ever once ejaculating would he then die with his original sperm and go straight to heaven? Or, as I suspect might be the case, does his his supply of sperm die and get replaced periodically in which case it would seem we are all going to hell regardless.

when you’re talking sperm and ova you are talking about essences –

essential bodily fluids, I imagine.

So if every sperm and ova are so sacred that – according to her argument – you have to be willing to accept the possibility of conception every time you produce one of the little buggers, what does she think of menstruation?

Sirius, that there’s an example of the Lie-beral bias of the Great Gazoogle. It’s all Al Gore’s fault.

Sirius, that there’s an example of the Lie-beral bias of the Great Gazoogle. It’s all Al Gore’s fault.

So glad I could kill two threads with one stoning.

I just want to know if a male human were to go through life without ever once ejaculating would he then die of deadly sperm build up?

Probably.

And please remember, folks, what I am trying to communicate here is what I have come to understand through my reading and talking with priests, etc. I’m no expert.

Well, who knows more about sex than Catholic priests?

I just want to know if a male human were to go through life without ever once ejaculating would he then die of deadly sperm build up?

Probably.

Would also be susceptible to fatal frustration.
Abstinence=death squads.

Damn, I meant death panels…

I haz a death squad in my pantz?

Sirius-

Serious answer, sperm has a short span of existence. It dies, gets cannibalized for amino acids and is remade in the testicles.

There is a way to inert this process and make your balls barren so that no sperm is destroyed and for catholic doctrine it is critical that we make this process mandatory for all catholics.

Welcome to transsexuality catholic men, you’re now on estrogen.

If every sperm is really a person, then what is the problem with blowjobs? Cannibalism is biblically sanctioned isnt it? So all you have to do is be sure to swallow it all. Add a couple of bottles of communion wine, and that sounds like a pretty good way to spend the evening!

I meant death panels…

No love for death wallpaper?

You meant “the Great Gorezoogle”, g?
~

Even if you do only have sex to conceive, Only one out of 10,000 sperm are going to make it so even then it’s still .0016 holocausts.

Srs, spermatazoa are indeed constantly being built and stored. Yes, they have a shelf life. I don’t recall (it was several decades ago that I learned this stuff) what their shelf life is, something on the order of weeks sounds familiar. They break down and are reabsorbed, or something like that.

So in conclusion, it’s use them or lose them anyway. I need not explictly state my position.

Get to the Death Panel!
~

it’s use them or lose them

I was thinking of using the little men in a table soccer game to flick them across the room, enabling long-distance impregnation.

This, of course, adds an option, making it “use them, lose them, or foos them.”

Oh, silly me! I just realized where I’m going wrong. Of course it is a great and wonderful thing when God kills the sperm and ova, all part of His great and ineffeble plan. It is only a sin when dirty, nasty teenagers kill them. It is just like how it is all good when God kills millions of unborn but is the vilest evil if an abortion doctor kills one. I think I see where the IOIYAR theory originates.

PeeJ-

Weeks, try about a week, I believe the lifespan is around 5-7 days. New sperm is actually created pretty quickly and is pretty much continuously renewed at a fast enough pace that every day your balls are filled with all new sperm.

So assuming the cockpower universe where sperm is most important. You need to ejaculate to full empty balls every single day if not more into a non-pregnant autonomous sperm carrier and even then, as others have pointed out, you’ve only saved one spermatozoan-american from the tubesock holocaust as the good general would put it.

The only way to stop the slaughter is Estrogen, so catholics, get on the juice.

laywoman lay, across my big brass bed

Sockpuppet #47 said
If every sperm is really a person, then what is the problem with blowjobs? Cannibalism is biblically sanctioned isnt it? So all you have to do is be sure to swallow it all. Add a couple of bottles of communion wine, and that sounds like a pretty good way to spend the evening!

For added sacriliciousness, remember to cry out “Hoc est corpus meum!” at the moment of ejaculation.

Folks, you’re misunderstanding this important doctrinal issue. The issue isn’t that sperm are being wasted, it’s that people are having orgasms which might not lead to pregnancy.

It is the act of jizzing, not the jism itself, which produces the sin.

Our creation is no accident, but the Love of God made manifest, and the “tools” or “materials” that He uses for that creation – committed love and the mysterious and miraculous products of that love – do, simply by their designation as “tools of God” demand a certain respect and recognition, because they are a great deal more than the equivalent of nasal mucous or earwax.

Jism is more respectable than snot.

Jism is more respectable than snot.

Try walking down the street with jizz dripping from your nose and then say that again.

god is the biggest abortionist in the universe, too. Does this woman know how many women miscarry roughly around the same time most abortions are performed?

It is just like how it is all good when God kills millions of unborn but is the vilest evil if an abortion doctor kills one

Dammit. Should have read the whole thread before commenting. Anyway…amen.

Tubesock holocaust is right up there with Bono’s conscience as a band name.

IOKIYAD

(it’s ok if you’re a deity)

…“tools of God” demand a certain respect…

The tool of our Lord is a mighty tool.

IOKIYAD

IOKIYASM

I just want to know if a male human were to go through life without ever once ejaculating would he then die of deadly sperm build up?

That’s what I kept telling my girlfriends when I was younger. Oh well..

Dear Hubby and I are still off looking at pumpkin farms and seeking out some quiet.

She’s married?

How can she justify her infrequent non-reproductive sex with that “husband” of hers?

IOKIYASM

Ahh, I’d been wondering what all those noodly appendeges were for.

How can she justify her infrequent non-reproductive sex with that “husband” of hers?
If there weren’t punishment, he’d never help with the housework.

If the couple is NOT open to that possibility (of procreation), if they take steps to suppress that possibility, then they have – essentially – excluded God from the act.

God demands threesomes.

You know if all sperm is sacred, then all sperm go to heaven and or limbo. Which is actually gross enough that I might prefer hell.

God demands threesomes.

omg. god’s a perv.

I mean, omsm.

All God’s jism have a place in the choir
Some shoot low, some shoot higher
Some shoot on down from the telephone wire
And some just shoot in hands, or paws, or anything you got now

because they are a great deal more than the equivalent of nasal mucous or earwax.

As a committed non-breeding male, I can honestly say that my nasal mucus and earwax have done me much more good, even if they are less fun to produce.

You know if all sperm is sacred, then all sperm go to heaven and or limbo.

I wonder how they store ’em up there. I mean, is there a big vat, or what?

You know if all sperm is sacred, then all sperm go to heaven and or limbo.

I wonder how they store ‘em up there. I mean, is there a big vat, or what?

Each sperm is outfitted with a little pair of wings and spends it’s time chatting up billiard balls.

it is the act of jizzing, not the jism itself, which produces the sin.

Does she know that men can ‘train’ themselves to have orgasms without ejaculating?

its! its! its!

You know if all sperm is sacred, then all sperm go to heaven and or limbo.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
I wonder how they store ‘em up there. I mean, is there a big vat, or what?

There is a vast Blessed Lake of Spooge.

“All You Ever Wanted to Know about Jizz and More”

Does anyone know whether Heaven is a democracy?
Do sperms get to vote?

There is a vast Blessed Lake of Spooge.

Oh, I thought they went to The Great Cumbucket in the Sky. Don’t I have egg on my face!

Speaking of eggs, does this mean that the ladies can masturbate as much as they want? Or does the Catholic Church think that the female orgasm outside of coitus brings as much death and destruction as the male orgasm?

So, you see – the church has no choice but to teach this truth, even in a season of sneering disregard and mockery.

God compels His followers to espouse utterly weird and ludicrous shit which inevitably exposes them to general derision.

That proves it – Reverend Moon really is God!

Does she know that men can ‘train’ themselves to have orgasms without ejaculating?

I would say you put details of this in some sort of “newsletter” and forward to me.

He is one sick mofo

Jism is more respectable than snot.

Try walking down the street with jizz dripping from your nose and then say that again.

Try cumming into a handkerchief in a business meeting and say that again.

There is a vast Blessed Lake of Spooge.
Not many people know that Serrano made a second version of “Piss Christ”, more suited for monochrome printing.

Y’know, another thing Buddhists, and especially Taoists, go out of their way not to do is “confuse anthropomorphic constructs, like, fer instance, oh, God, with the experience of reality”.

when you’re talking sperm and ova you are talking about essences

“I do not avoid women, Mandrake. But I do deny them my essence.”

Speaking of eggs, does this mean that the ladies can masturbate as much as they want?

And it’s not like we can just stop ovulating.

“tools of God”? That bitch a tool, all right.

She sez, “How many people do you know who used the pill, used a condom, were diligent in their birth control and STILL got pregnant? It happens all the time.”

Holy crap, it does?! I’d better stick to jerking off.

And it’s not like we can just stop ovulating.
Or ululating.
Actually I don’t mind the ululating.

Does she know that men can `train’ themselves to have orgasms without ejaculating?

Also evil. If anyone experiences voluntary sexual pleasure without pregnancy being a likely outcome of the act, it is evil bad hedonistic sex. It is basically like jizzing on the baby Jesus, with sin.

And the same goes to you, tig. If you take a love boat ride all by your lonesome, that pleasure might as well be coming from Satan Hisself’s knobbly cock. Penis goes in vagina, stuff shoots out of penis, baby shoots out of vagina. IT IS THE ONLY WAY APPROVED BY POPE.

(Actually, I think Catholics might be able to suck each other off these days, but you still have to fire the 14-gun salute uterusward, if you get my drift.)

Try cumming into a handkerchief in a business meeting and say that again.

A middle manager whipping it out and fapping away would sure liven up those boring early morning meetings. It would also cause a cutback in the consumption of the creme filled donuts, leaving more for me.

Actually I don’t mind the ululating.

Sorry the ovulating still bothers you. We thought you’d be used to it by now.

My pro-ululation statement was not intended as a complaint about ovulation. Both are fine. At the same time, if you feel thus inclined.

So if i blow a load in the pope’s mouth, is it bad or good? I mean, aside from the obvious horror? I need a rule declaration here. It is Saturday night after all.

laywoman lay, across my big brass bed

Preferably in the wet spot.

Hey, it’s more respectable than snot!

I should not have been reading this thread while eating breakfast.

I am struck by the fact that it is a sin to thwart God’s will by putting a bit of latex between Essence of Man and Essence of Woman; but it is not a sin to thwart God’s will by not having sex in the first place. If God wants to create a life and I refuse to let him by refusing to have sex, isn’t that thwarting his will?

Obvs, thwarting God’s will is only a sin if you’re having fun doing it.

And if men don’t masturbate, they have wet dreams instead. So God The FSM wants wasted sperm, anyway.

If the couple is NOT open to that possibility (of procreation), if they take steps to suppress that possibility, then they have – essentially – excluded God from the act.

Then why does the Church permit the rhythm method – even advise it? Or NFP (natural family plannning) as it’s now called? If you’re deliberately having sex only at times when you’re infertile, you’re obviously not open to the possibility of procreation.

Reminder that this woman once joked about how huge and arousing her breasts were.

Some advocates of Onanism
Sought out holy wise men to quiz ’em.
(For was it not neater
To pull their St. Peter?)
Thus started the Great Jism Schism

Alternate shorter Anchoress:

Every time you masturbate . . . God kills a kitten.

If this is true, then my underwear is full of Baby Jesus tears.

MENSTRUATION IS MURDER.

I am struck by the fact that it is a sin to thwart God’s will by putting a bit of latex between Essence of Man and Essence of Woman; but it is not a sin to thwart God’s will by not having sex in the first place. If God wants to create a life and I refuse to let him by refusing to have sex, isn’t that thwarting his will?

Yes, indeedy. These are the same cognitive dissonance specialists who think that if a woman gets pregnant when she doesn’t want to, that’s God’s will, and any medical intervention will result in a one-way ticket to hell; but if this same woman wants to get pregnant but can’t due to infertility, this is def not God’s will and can be treated with massive medical intervention, surgery to drugs. Wingnuts and thinking: They’re not doing it right.

Holiness cannot be compartmentalized? I wonder if the Anchoress knows anything about the faith to which her “friend” Jesus belonged. We actually thank God for compartmentalizing holiness (it’s what the Hebrew term kadosh basically means): “hamavdil ben kodesh l’chol”?

Actually, Candy, we’re talking about Catholics here. Surgical fertility treatments are forbidden too. Say what you will about the Vatican, but they’re actually consistent (anti-abortion and anti-death penalty; anti-contraception and anti-IVF; etc.)

But, DAS, that’s because you’re not perfected yet.

If every sperm is really a person, then what is the problem with blowjobs? Cannibalism is biblically sanctioned isnt it? So all you have to do is be sure to swallow it all. Add a couple of bottles of communion wine, and that sounds like a pretty good way to spend the evening! – sockpuppet#47

Is it really true that Jesus’ last instruction to his disciples was “eat me!”
?

Say what you will about the Vatican, but they’re actually consistent

Hang about. Surgical or pharmaceutical intervention to overcome infertility = INTERFERENCE WITH GOD’S WILL = bad thing;
Surgical or pharmaceutical intervention to treat cancer, blood pressure, obesity whatever = GOD DOES NOT CARE???

Sounds like god’s ineffable will concerns itself only as far as the lady-parts.

I used to be a Catholic and I don’t remember that fertility treatments were a no no. Of course, this was during the 70s and the Catholics I knew were all huge fans of the late, great Pope John, and none of the ones I knew were much against birth control, either. The Catholics I knew were more the Father Greeley/Kennedy types, not the Bill Donohue types. I was blissfully unaware of their existense during my youth. My experiences of the church were pretty much all positive, although I never believed in the actual religious aspects or anything. Nickel draws at the KC hall, bingo, foosball at the yoot center, guitar mass. NO lashings or hell threats or any of that. Guess I was lucky. I haven’t been near a church in 30+ years, so I can’t speak to teachings today. Poor old Fadder Hart at St. Pat’s didn’t like to talk about such things as sex. He mostly liked to drink whisky and go fishing, far away from us kids, and leave the youth coaching to the liberal, socially conscious young priest whose name I forget. He probably didn’t even believe in poor old god, either.

So if it’s sinful to have sex that can’t lead to a baby, it must be sinful to have sex while pregnant. Or maybe that’s the only time oral is ok, since it’s equal in possibility to the old P-V sex.

So if it’s sinful to have sex that can’t lead to a baby, it must be sinful to have sex while pregnant. Or maybe that’s the only time oral is ok, since it’s equal in possibility to the old P-V sex.

As I understand it, it’s not sinful to have sex that can’t lead to a baby if you’re infertile or post-menopausal because that means God doesn’t want you to have a baby, so I guess this covers being pregnant too. But if you could have a baby, you have to go for it. Except for the rhythm method where you’re allowed to cheat, because God made you infertile at certain times of the month so apparently it’s OK to only have sex at that time. Or something like that. It’s complicated.

Holy crap. I saw the exact same thing in an article by The Chaser, an Australian political satire group, a few years ago. THE EXACT SAME THING. The exact words, I believe, were “Life begins at sperm”. Actually, it might have been The Onion. Poe’s Law in action.

It is high time to restore Biblical norms to public morality.

Yes, I wan’t to launch defense of nose picking.

You see, the Bible, the inerrant guide to all things moral, says absolutely nothing against nose picking. Yet nose pickers are shunned, ridiculed and worse.

I should have trusted the shorter. I should have trusted the shorter.

But control is often an illusion. How many people do you know who used the pill, used a condom, were diligent in their birth control and STILL got pregnant? It happens all the time.

Holy fuck! All the time? Really?

Because the products of our human sexuality contain enormous power – power too many of us simply do not appreciate.

Mighty Morphin’ Power Testicles.

And God will do what He will, sometimes, whether you’re open to it or not, in hopes that you WILL become open, and more open, to his loving gifts.

God can get ooterly fooked, because I have no wish to become any more open than I already am. What the buggering hell do they want, that we should all whistle in a high wind?

Should have trusted the shorter.

And I like Candy’s idea for meetings: watching a bunch of corpulent managers tugging their todgers would be considerably less tedious than the normal run of tabling reports, listening to interminable whining, etc etc.

Not sure I’d be able to stomach the cream donuts though.

Djur said,

Penis goes in vagina, stuff shoots out of penis, baby shoots out of vagina. IT IS THE ONLY WAY APPROVED BY POPE.

Pope tested? – POPE APPROVED!

(Sweet FSM how I hate those commercials.)

MaryRC said,

Then why does the Church permit the rhythm method

That’s the Al Gore rhythm method to you and me.

Way late to the party, but…

Don’t I have egg on my face!

Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Egg.

Also, as far as I’m concerned, God, in His infinite wisdom, has provided us with the wonders of latex penis sheaths, hormone regulation regimens, and other such devices and procedures so that we might procreate better rather than simply more. Teh Wankeress (Cankeress?) can please fuck off back to her swamp if she can’t understand this. Actually, even if she can.

In Genesis God said, “by the sweat of your brow you will eat your food,” but I never see these folks insist that air conditioning is contrary to God’s will.

…“tools of God” demand a certain respect…

The tool of our Lord is a mighty tool.

Why must everybody laugh at my mighty sword?

You know, the Dalai Lama thinks this, too. I guess most people just ignore that matter when they’re hanging with him, because he has enough sense not to bring it up.

The church’s two teachings on this, that thou shalt put no rubber between the sperm and the egg, and every ejaculation has to “hit the target,” pretty much guarantee a bumper crop of new Catholics to work the tithe fields. The Holy See’s statues are not going to guild themselves, you know.

Three cheers for the pleasant Pagan life.