Following William F. Buckley’s concession that the Iraq War is a fucked deal, Jeff ‘Protein Wisdom’ Goldstein takes up the genius argument that it’s critics of the war who are to blame for the failures unrealized successes of the Bush Administration’s Iraq policy.

Presumably, it’s also critics of Jeff Goldstein who are responsible for his being flamingly wrong at every turn.

Right. Anyway, we’ve heard this one before. It’s the “you jinxed it” argument.

Goes like this. George W. Bush announces that he’s going to drink a pint of whiskey and do a triple somersault off the roof onto a trampoline.

All of Us: “Urgh. Please say he’s not going to do that. Oh God.”
Jeff Goldstein: “Yay! Woohoo! Go, George!”

Bush drinks two pints of whiskey, lights some torches, pounds nine beers, and says, “I’m going ta do thish trick withoutta tram-poline!”

Us: “Oh no, someone make him stop this. This not going to end well. Oh, jeez.”
Jeff Goldstein: “Trampolines are unnecessary. Woohoo! Yay!”

Then Bush is like, “An’ I’munna do it onna unicycle. [hic] This izza bess-trick ever; watch thish…”

Us: “Holy crap, this is getting worse and worse. This is really dangerous; what an idiot; somebody do something!”
Jeff Goldstein: “This is the best trick ever! I am so totally in favor of the brilliant unicycle idea.”

So Bush throws up and slides crashing off the roof, flames everywhere, flattening a bunch of people while the house catches fire.

As the sirens approach, we’re like, “Damn it! We said over and over what a stupid trick that was. We knew this was going to happen, and nobody listened. Oh Hell, what a fricking stupid mess.” William F. Buckley, watching from his own, separate coterie close to where Goldstein is waving his balloons, shakes his head and clacks his dentures, intoning, “No, in fact you could say that the trick didn’t go terribly well. The situation really is pretty well unrecoverable now.”

So Goldstein puts on his projection-beanie and squints into his nitpicking loupe, and is all like:

[T]heir constant naysaying, though it is well within their right to voice, has objectively hurt the war effort, particularly when the criticism incorporates carefully-crafted falsehoods many of the war’s critics know for a fact to be objectively untrue.

Right. ‘Carefully-crafted falsehoods.’ Oh, mercy. Oh, that’s a good one. Follow those links if you wish to be merry.

Shorter Jeff Goldstein:
If a single tree-like thing is possibly a telephone pole, all claims about ‘a forest’ are discredited.

[Update: Missed this in the Goldstein essay the first three times through (he has a way of blowing clouds of words that expand to fit the maximum dimensions of an argument, without actually making that argument. It’s actually quite impressive):

Critics of my essay are free, of course, to misinterpret or refigure my argument any way they’d like (I envision action figure stories or kitty pictures).

“Hsftph. Indeet, ve vill zertainly take zat zuggestion oonter advize-ment.”

Bradrocket adds: Hey Jeffster, be sure to check out this A.P. video of George “Warrior King” Bush’s briefing with Homeland Security officials right before Katrina hit. It’s a perfect illustration of how utterly incurious he is about real policy matters- Christ, he makes Brownie look cognizant by comparison. If you really, really want to know why Iraq has become such a mess, look no further.

G-Love adds: It seems a good bet that he really, really doesn’t. You know, I have a short memory, but I can’t think of the last time there was a spontaneous astronomical convergence among us, The Poorman, Busy Busy Busy, and TBogg. It certainly seems as though Jeff has struck gold — if by ‘gold’ you mean being laughed at by a lot of people at once.


Comments: 42


Ooooh. I wanna try.

Shorter Jeff Goldtein:

Despite controlling all three branches of the Federal Government, President Bush’s Brilliant War failed, no sorry, was damaged because the opposition dared to criticize it in ways unacceptable to him.

Nombrilisme Vide

[T]heir constant naysaying, though it is well within their right to voice, has objectively hurt the war effort

No, see, he’s absolutely right about this part. The key word is effort. Whether or not protesting the war has had the slightest effect on the actual outcome of it, it is counterproductive to the “war effort”, so long as we consider said effort to include a propaganda campaign to muster uniform, unwavering support for the war. And I defy you to find typical pro-war activi- erm, uh… passivists who don’t claim that such a campaign is at least as (if not more) important to the war than the actual physical waging thereof…


you cannot take Jeff Buckley’s name in vain like that. that is just wrong.


This is the same fucking idiot who parrotted the “New Saddam Tapes” non-story.
Too bad all the evidence” trainwreck spook Bill Tierney and the “Intelligence Summit” could procure from it all was at best “intent” and at worst, that somehow the WMD’s were smuggled to Syria..

My favorite line from had to be from early on:
“Either way, circle February 17 on your calendars, and have some snacks at the ready. Should be quite a show.”

-The show is over, Jeff. You may exit to the rear.

melior (in Austin)

What I don’t understand is how this asstard can swallow so much Koolaid with Dick Cheney’s cock in his mouth.


The “stab in the back”. Like we didn’t see that one coming.

Though, considering it’s Goldstein, bitching about a stab in the back is a huge improvement over his tantrums which end by his threatening to put his cock in your face.

I predict it’s only a matter of time (because sooner or later, with Goldstein, it always comes down to cock) before he claims that someone’s cock stabbed the chickenhawks in the back, though I doubt it’ll be Jeff Gannon’s cock (which Goldstein, curiously, saw fit to “interview” over and over), even though, lord knows, it’s stabbed plenty of republicans in the posterior. Goldstein claims that libruls have no cocks, or if they do, considerably diminished ones. So it must be some manly but traitorous Repug that does the stabbing. Maybe it’s John McCain, whom Goldstein criticised for trying to stop the torture that wasn’t torture because charles krauthammer said so in the weekly standard so there huff huff.

And speaking of chickenhawks and other assorted barcalounger-bound warriors whose only sexual thrills come from hazy fantasies of getting two thumbs up with lyndie england, Goldstein gets as livid as i’ve ever seen anyone, when he’s called one. bawk bawk. It’d sure be distressing if, like, several hundred people all called him that at once.

melior (in Austin)

Oh and the Juicy Balloon guy is a cobag Bush-licking sycophant too. There, I said it out loud, even though everyone else was thinking it for a while.


aww, melior! way to get pre-emptive on him!

melior (in Austin)

Seriously, I tried the first time I visited Cole’s site to engage him in a reasoned factual exchange. Ha, won’t try that again. He immediately replied in his comments with screeching, poo-flinging and vacuous parroting of Fox talking points that seemed completely out of context for the “reasoned” air of his post. What a douche.


Brilliant fucktardary…

Did I spell that correctly?


Methinks it would likely be “fucktardery”, with the “e”, as in “haberdashery”.

Brits might prefer “fucktardry” as in “poultry” (one who sells them is a “poulterer” yet it’s not “poultery”).

Alternatively, one could call it “fucktardana”, as in “Americana”, or “fucktardism”. Those espousing fucktardesquities would be “facktardists,” “fucktardites,” “fucktardians”, or “fucktarderers.” This is handy because one can get all fucktardistic while not normally being known as an actual fucktard.



Looks like the National Review itself is the latest to throw the noose around Bill Buckley's useless, weathered neck:[…] If Iraq ever descends into a real civil war, we won't have to debate whether it has happened. It will be clear for a…


Oops. Make that “fucktardists”. Please pardon my momentary fucktarditude.


doctoring the fucktardis

Shorter Jeff Goldstein

Liberals say the sky is blue. This carefully crafted falsehood is objectively untrue.


“As I say, break out the your best snark to convince yourselves you’ve played no role in any of the problems we’ve encountered from the insurgency.”


” That this breakdown in will dovetails with one of our enemies’ avowed strategies, I leave it to those who disagree with the war to decide for themselves what they should say and how they should say it.

I take responsibility for my actions. If you believe the war isn’t worth fighting—and believe that strongly enough that you either intentionally or otherwise try to divide the electorate on the issue, that is your choice. My point is, objectively-speaking, those actions have consequences.”

This *is* the stab in the back/collaborating with the enemy argument and it does sound better in the original german.


I wondered how long it would take before it went from “You goddam liberals aren’t talking about how gee golly great everything is in Iraq, and how swell our school painting is going” to “You goddam liberals just wouldn’t shut up about how bad everything was and now look what you’ve done!”


w00t! Per Protein Wisdom’s trackback, S,N! is unserious!

So to suggest that I’ve somehow handed off “blame� for a “failure� that I don’t admit to—and more, that this silly line of argument has taken hold en masse—is simply a testament to how unserious many in the anti-war crowd have become.


w00t! Per Protein Wisdom’s trackback, S,N! is unserious!

Right, like we needed Jeff’s wisdom to know that.


Right, like we needed Jeff’s wisdom to know that.

But Brad, it’s PROTEIN Wisdom!
It’s the type you get after wanking to maximum climax!


what is it about protein that cancels out wisdom?

nothing like being accused of unseriousness by a failed academic who likes to talk about slapping people with his cock.


In all fairness, he probably is quite well hung. I might even blow him, but only because I lack self-esteem.

Jeff G.: Long on protein, short on wisdom…


Man, you have got to stop being so unserious. I recommending dressing up your prose in a shit-load of Heideggerian or Kantian bluster. A couple of Ayn-Randisms would be helpful too.


Oh and the Juicy Balloon guy is a cobag Bush-licking sycophant too.

This might take some arguing. I missed your exchange with him, but to me he seems about as anti-Bush as a Republican can be without spontaneously combusting. Is there a link for the poo-flinging?


I dunno, teh, I always envisioned a procedure involving a stepladder.

Dr. BLT The Song Blogger

The thing about history is that there is never a period at any point in its development. Everything is followed by a comma (perhaps, in this case, it looks more like a coma). History is never fixed, it is always in flux. This is, without a doubt, a disturbingly dark hour in Iraq. But to refuse to offer any hope or to refuse to shine any light in the midst of the darkness is to seal the doom of Iraqi citizens forever.

There has been far too much bloodshed, and any person, dem or republican, that says he/she is as confident about the decision to go into Iraq as he/she may have been ab initio is not being intellectually honest. Still, we must get beyond talking about what a huge mistake this was and ask ourselves this: Beyond, “Let’s get the hell out of Iraq!” what can we do to add something positive to an otherwise abysmally bleak situation? I suggest that right and left-wingers begin working together to offer real solutions to this troubled region.


Sorry, but I prefer to just shout I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!!!!!

Famous Soviet Athlete

Beyond, “Let’s get the hell out of Iraq!” what can we do to add something positive to an otherwise abysmally bleak situation?

We can start with getting the hell out of Iraq.

Dr. BLT, The Song Blogger

This may come as a shock to some of you, but there are rumors going around that I’m preparing to release an Iraq war protest song. I’m not going to confirm them or deny them at this point.


What brilliance, BLT. We oppose going into Iraq. We oppose the way we went into Iraq, without sufficient (or, really, any realistic) planning for the post-war situation. In response, we get marginalized, belittled, labeled traitors, and scapegoated for the failures of policies we opposed. And now, you say, we’ve got to work together to put a positive spin on this monumental fuck up?

That’s the most fuckwitted attempt at bridge-building I’ve seen since McCulloch put the London Bridge in Lake Havasu.


Hitler Kitty! Yay! (whoa, seriously – that cat is CREEPY looking…)

Soylent Green: I would have gone with ‘fucktarditry’.

Oh, and Goldstein? What.A.Fucking.Prat.


BLT, we already HAD the “whatever shall we do in Iraq” talk just a week-or-two ago, and I’m not going over all that ground again. It’s still on the main page, well, until somebody posts one more post, anyway.

Dr. BLT, The Song Blogger

Well, I’m about as popular around here as the war in Iraq itself, so this is a pretty safe place to release my cover of
Blowin’ in the Wind. Nobody will listen to it, and nobody will go spreading rumors around that I’ve switched sides on the war on terror.

Dr. BLT’s extremely experimental rock cover of the song Bob Dylan made famous:

In the unlikely event that somebody actually listens to this, please don’t read too much into it. I hate to draw anything from GoatBoy, but remember his statement that when a songwriter writes a song, the lyrics do not necessarily represent his point of view. He could be “in character.”

Dr. BLT, The Song Blogger

PS: The same could be said of someone who didn’t write the song, but covers it.


too bad the chickenhawk doesn’t allow comments.


That glimpse, like all dread glimpses of truth, flashed out from an accidental piecing together of separated things — in this case an old newspaper item and the notes of a dead professor: “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh BLT R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.”


Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn! Shub-Niggurath, the Goat with a Thousand Young!


“William F. Buckley, watching from his own, separate coterie close to where Goldstein is waving his balloons, shakes his head and clacks his dentures, intoning, ‘No, in fact you could say that the trick didn’t go terribly well. The situation really is pretty well unrecoverable now.'”

I think what Buckley wouild have said was “Hindsight makes manifest that it ill behooves those of a discerning temperament to aver the wisdom of enlisting pyrotechny in the antic mode, most especially under the beclouding influence of strong drink; havoc ensues, of necessity.”

There might also be a “mutatis mutandis” thrown in there somewhere.


No, Steve, even Buckley doesn’t write like that anymore. You have to go Tacitus to read that sort of middlebrow-masquerading-as-highbrow, stilted, gasbaggery nowadays.


Golstein’s writing is so turgid and pretentious! What a fucking wanker. He thinks he’s Bill Buckley Jr. It’s a good reminder that big words do not a writer make. Whatever I think of Buckley’s politics, he can at least write with a little wit and grace.


I could never figure out why this rude, wordy idiot was taken at all seriously: And part of the flagship, PJM, of conservative blogging?


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