Oh Hai Fish, How’s Your Barrel?

A dumbass teenager, you say? Unpossible!

Tal Fortgang, The Princeton Privilege:
Checking My Privilege: Character as the Basis of Privilege

Ok, let’s be frankly honest. Today’s post isn’t shooting fish in a barrel, it’s shooting fish in a barrel with a fucking rocket launcher that is loaded with fish-seeking rockets and the entire barrel is loaded with land-mines and the fish are genetically engineered to jump towards weapon fire. This is such easy mode, I might as well be going through life as… well, the exact type of person who wrote today’s post. Not to suggest that this job is difficult on average. I mean, I’m mocking wingnuts. If I wanted a challenge, I’d just survive my day-to-day life instead.

But even so, today’s post involves a student conservative paper (already we’ve dropped the difficulty to Liverpool versus a drunken pub team). Not only that, but it’s an opinion piece written by a freshman (easier than some peoples’ mothers), staggering blinking into the daylight of a slightly more general culture and education (I mean, let’s be honest, it’s still Princeton) from their cocoon of immense wealth and privilege (and what does it say when going to fucking PRINCETON is a change that makes one more aware of the experiences of a general community, I mean, holy fuck, is this kid Richie Rich). And on top of that, it’s a staggeringly lucky malcontempt who will likely fail upwards into a vice presidency at his daddy’s company after graduation whining about how mean it is that people notice he has privilege (fuck working, time to kick off my shoes and take the rest of this post off. It officially writes itself).

Well, hell, seeing as how I recently took off whole minutes this week in derelict laziness, let’s set the post-writing software to automatic and take the rest of the day off.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • My life is so scrubbed clean of even the barest glimpse of hardship that the slightest commentary on my immense wealth and privilege feels like a combination of Hitler’s extermination of the Jews and the Trail of Tears. Somehow, I’m convinced that this reaction will make it less not more likely that I’ll be considered an overprivileged fuckstain on the couch of reality.

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Apparently Literally Nothing is More Natural to Republicans Than Denying Atrocity

Oh hey, exploiting the dead, finally an actually American tradition.

Chad Felix Greene, American Sociopath:
The True Legacy of Matthew Shepard

Denialism fascinates me quite a bit.

And it’s not because it’s alien in any way. In fact, anyone who has spent any time at all with young kids recognizes the impulse immediately. The way a young kid will try and desperately argue away reality even though they see clear as day that you saw them hit that other student getting themselves in more trouble.

It’s a common impulse in the sociopathy of youth to try and run from the success of one’s bad actions, because now everyone’s looking at you like you disappointed them. So it’s understandable that those who want their movements they’ve dedicated so much “love” and time to would want to reflexively protect them by erasing the most obvious examples of wrong-doing. How tempting it must be as a dedicated white nationalist to erase the history of lynching or make the horrors of slavery some ephemeral memory, especially if one longs to re-establish that state of affairs.

And just like with kids, the greater the crime, the less they want to admit to it. See the elaborate lengths those who spent decades encouraging the rapacious exploitation of the Earth go to to deny the existence of Anthropic Climate Change. See the twists and turns and knots that dedicated anti-semites and neo-nazis go to deny the Holocaust. Or the elaborate fantasy constructed to make things like the Inquisition or Hitler’s Third Reich into somehow secular atheist crimes.

It’s perfectly understandable (though hardly moral by any understanding of the term) that those who want to continue with those paths want to be seen as morally justified for doing so and erasing the legacy of violence or the most obvious examples of failure are an “easy” way to do that.

Owning up to failure, to atrocity takes a great deal of moral authority. Requires someone willing to examine their flaws and be brutally honest with themselves. And that can be really really hard. Especially when admitting and acknowledging that reality can mean a giant blow to one’s self esteem and self regard. On a smaller level, it can be easier to deny one has a drinking problem than have to accept all the pain that problem has caused someone you love.

However, it being common doesn’t at all make it acceptable. I mean, the shit happened. The damage is done and now either the car is sitting in the living room or a couple of million people were systematically exterminated. That shit doesn’t just go away because you want to frantically wave your arms and wish it away.
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Holy Shit, I Exist Outside Cyberspace

Totally accurate picture of me…sure, why not?

So, that news I was hinting at a couple of posts ago? I heard back from the convention organizers that it was okay to promote it, so woot.

The convention is the Preventing Violence Convention at the University of California, Santa Cruz on May 10th, 2014 and I’ll be doing a panel about “Asexuality and Sexual Violence” in the 2nd session from 2:30 pm – 3:45pm at the Cantu Queer Center at the University. The full convention schedule is available: Here.

One of the featured guests is going to be Dr. Jill McDevitt, a nationally acclaimed sexologist, and it is a great opportunity to talk about an issue I have a great deal of passion for and educate a general audience about something they wouldn’t often think about and may be the beginning of what may hopefully be more convention panels and other opportunities in the future.

So yeah, if you happen to be in the area or know someone who will that has a free day, definitely feel free to drop by or pass the word.

And yes, I am fully aware that this potentially outs me to the type of psychotic stalkers who love to circle around this blog like minnows that think they are sharks.

And to that I say: What of it?

Now on to the eviscerating of right-wing morons.
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Under Pressure

Insert Immature Constipation Joke Here

The Twitching Sweating Horde, Pressing Up Against the Walls of the Shit Dam:

Any drunken chimpanzee who has been aware of the right-wing for the last couple of years could see the buildup of pressure among the right-wing as they notice that their old euphemisms and dog whistles weren’t enough to literally stop the clock and keep it 1850 forever and so have been itching to be honest as possible if they are going to be sliding into irrelevancy forever.

And being as good as at least a heavily doped up bonobo on a good day, I’ve been watching this train wreck for a while with the correct mixture of horror and wry bemusement.

Because it has birthed some awful things (the relegalization of lynching in Stand Your Ground Laws, the weeding of conservative candidates to only those who openly support a second Civil War and raping all the womenfolk, the massive increase in state-sponsored and individual terrorism against minority groups, and the outright sabotage of democracy), but it has also revealed the dark underbelly on each and every one of the right-wing’s scams.

“We just care so much about teh babiez” has been openly revealed as the sexphobic babies as punishment for being women bullshit feminists have always known it to be. “Supporting gun rights” about shooting unarmed black kids and women who think they have a right to get away from you and getting away with it. And of course “we support America” to be we only support America when it is a whites-only utopia where we’re allowed to control everything, otherwise, this country and everyone in it can burn.

I almost have to admire the honesty even though it seems to be waking up that mushy muddle-headed middle who actually believes the voter-pleasing malarky of “both sides do it and the right course is in the middle” that maybe, just maybe, conservatives are assholes.

They’re finally being true to themselves. It’s only a shame that that self is a 150 year-old anachronism whose antiquated bigotries are no longer supported by the vast majority of people alive today.
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The Queen of the White Welfare Cowboys Sharts a Larf.


Via Roy, TPM and Slate and featuring the biggest “Welfare Queen” in the land and in the news, whose name does not end with what might sound like a synonym for penis, and as well, also, too, a last name that reminisces the last name of an early ’90′s analog of Archie Bunker.

Not sure how many Rich assed White Persons I will be pissing off, and frankly not giving a damn, Scarlet, let us introduce those who may have been living under a rock, to the embodiment of an “Entitled Racist Shitbag” by the name of Cliven Bundy.

Now that he’s won a confrontation with the Bureau of Land Management over grazing his cattle on federal land,


The Shitbag in question has been stealing from all of us for more than 20 years, at least. And yet, he seems to think that the most powerful force on the planet, the Negro is to blame, which brings me to a suggestion, that any of you are welcome to thank me for the lack of nice things in the world. By the sheer measure of my existence, of the sight of me and others like, we seem to have done more to support the continuance of the patriarchy and plutocracy than any other subset of humanity. Apologies to those for whom my existence actually buttresses the the boots on your necks.

The marriage of half dead Hyperbole to the long and dearly departed Irony can be a terrifying thing to behold.

Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy has time to hold court on everything from abortion to the current state of “the Negro.”

Bundy made some racially charged comments about government assistance in his daily news conference Saturday, according to a New York Times story published Wednesday.

“I want to tell you one more thing I know about the Negro,” the rancher began as he described a “government house” in Las Vegas where he recalled that all the people who sat outside seemed to “have nothing to do. They didn’t have nothing for their kids to do. They didn’t have nothing for their young girls to do. “

Blink, blink, blink…Blink, blink, blink…

If I did not know better, I might be inclined to think I stumbled out of the mangrove glen into a forest of chestnuts, a chestnut farm as it were…Forget the fucking blood of tyrants, the tree of Tory Liberty on these shores, in this “home of the Brave” has been watered with the blood of the “Negro.”

“And because they were basically on government subsidy, so now what do they do?” he asked. “They abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton. And I’ve often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.”

I see from browsing the comments from the last post that tsam has had a similar reaction to the ridiculousness in question, I’ll farm out the work, already done, to him. Such are my crafty yet nefariously shiftless ways:

He hit every single white conservative trope in ONE SENTENCE. This guy is a fucking genius.

“I’ve often wondered…”
No, you haven’t. You’ve often made up your own version of history and reality and then believed it was all true. This is the poor-man’s version of the normal right wing fallacy “it begs the question”, when it clearly does not.

“are they better off as slaves”
I’m sure there are millions of black people sitting at home, wishing they were owned by a confederate fascist. Seems legit.

“picking cotton and having a family life
Backbreaking work and deliberate system that was meant to keep families from being united–not exactly a family life, bro.

“or are they better off under government subsidy?”
Well, are YOU better off under government subsidy, Cliven? WTF kind of name is Cliven? Sounds like his name was something that he couldn’t pronounce until his early 20s so the impediment name stuck.

“They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom”
Cliven doesn’t know the definitions of the words more and less. Cool.

So we have yet another example of the marriage of innumeracy, bald faced pig-ignorance (apologies in advance to the pigs) outright naked racism and Projection that would make every IMAX theater in existence blush…In other words, standard wingnut fare.

Only in the hivemind that is what passes for intellectual acumen in the realm of Whitemanistan™ would this ersatz welfare queen be granted the following acolades:

In the aftermath of Bundy’s standoff with federal authorities, conservatives were quick to champion the rancher’s cause, going as far as to compare him to civil rights icons. Richard Mack, a right-wing former sheriff who helped organize the militia that gathered at Bundy’s ranch, said the rancher and his supporters were like “Rosa Parks refusing to go to the back of the bus.” National Review correspondent Kevin D. Williamson wrote that the Bundy’s struggles with the law paralleled those of Mahatma Gandhi.

Meanwhile, Rats and sinking Ships, is a phrase that comes to mind:

The Times reached out to spokespeople for Sens. Rand Paul (R-KY) and Dean Heller (R-NV), who have spoken in support of Bundy, and for Texas Attorney Gen. Greg Abbott (R). Those who responded distanced themselves from Bundy and his remarks.

No doubting that nudges and winks will follow…For as much as these assholes hate having to answer for the honest ramblings of one of their own, there is little question in my mind* that they hate even more being boxed in by their lunatic fringe and forced to admit behind closed doors that they “…really are racist shitheels, just like you, double serious, just can’t say so in public, but we still really, really hate the niggers, and will do whatever we can to continue blaming them for everything that is wrong with the country…”

*Ha to the fucking ha…These asshats not only embrace the bigotry of their fellow travelers, but enjoy the warm embrace they receive due to the mantle of martyrdom upon which they must climb every time they must apostacize themselves before the mighty and “Lieberal MSM.”


Nightmare Fuel and Hypocrisy

Where’s a drunk Kurt Russell when you need him?

The Balrog Phyllis Schlafly, Christianist Host:
Facts and Fallacies About Paycheck Fairness

Readers… I… have a horrible secret to confess. Something so unthinkable and shocking that you may very well want to make sure your small children are out of the room house planet before you dare scroll onward, for it is raw poison to that most holy of objects, the family.

I’m… fuck, it’s so hard to say… I identify as a feminist. And I’ve done so for a long time… I know this is a shock and may very well ruin your marriages through the much researched transitive power of cooties, but I needed to get this off my chest, much like a bra that I am burning.

I hope together we can move past this horrible revelation… but I understand if you need time and shorters.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • The reason for the pay gap between men and women isn’t because of endemic sexism, but rather because women are naturally geared towards unfair slave labor due to the fact that their delicate lady brains just can’t handle the working world. Also, they are secretly making more than men and thus should be discriminated against more for daring to defy me by getting jobs in the first place!

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A Triptych of Shit

Kevin Williamson is hard at work on his Patrick Swayze cosplay for this year’s SeditionCon.

“Meritocracy at Work”, National Oh Y’all are Just Being Cute Now:

Some of you may be wondering where I’ve been for the last week. Well, some of it is still classified, but I can confirm as per the rumors that it did indeed involve a rocketship, the Attorney General of Vanuatu, and an entire barrel of Kinky Brand Liquor*.

But enough about me and my probable sex tape**, because the sad truth of life is that all this time off from reading the absolute worst of humanity has left me with an unhealthily healthy self esteem. Thus, the only thing to save you all from an impending horde of my Doombots is to inject myself with so much liquid crazy that I begin shitting my drawers and thinking Reagan was a decent president.
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And the Walls Came Tumbling Down in the Towers that We Hate

Being a queer conservative is a kink too far for the likes of me.

Andrew Sullivan, The Seriously, Sully, that Gay Male Stereotype?:
The hounding of Brendan Eich

You know, I never thought I’d ever do this, but I have to agree 100% with Andrew Sullivan.

As someone else who has suffered job discrimination because I am trans*, I am utterly sickened at the way that Eich has been hounded out of his job just because he identifies as a transman. Especially as he would have been the first trans* person to ever hold such a lofty position in a major company and-

What? That isn’t actually what it is about? Oh, I shouldn’t have given Sully that much credit, but still, it’s worth noting that anti-gay discrimination is still rampant, especially in the upper echelons of companies where bigoted attitudes can thrive and fester on the backs of rich white men who’ve never had to interact with the greater culture and-

Really? No? Okay, to be absolutely fair, I haven’t actually read his post yet, just the seventy-three million iterations of anti-gay conservatives claiming he has apparently been the only gay rights activist who has ever lived and a “champion” of gay marriage who spotted a nasty case of discrimination and if I can’t trust professional bigots who’d lie about the color of the sky if they thought it would give them an electoral advantage, who…

Maybe I should double check what this is all about…

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • Bu-bu-but the free market is only supposed to work against the under-privileged! That’s not how libertarian talking points are supposed to work.

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Invented By Trendy Young People in the 60s

Pocahontas, no! That’s how you catch the AIDS! Now you have pregnant herpes! #Howconservativesthinksexworks

Janice Shaw Grouch, American Cryogenics Resurectees:
Exposing the Myths of Recreational Sex

Okay, lay it to me straight readers*.

You all just made up this “sex” thing to confuse us asexuals, didn’t you? I mean, sure, you have all this so-called “porn” on the internet, you all talk about it amongst yourselves, and you’ve bribed the greedy bankrollers in Big Biology to make it seem like the primary form of reproduction and recreation amongst a huge swath of the Animalia Kingdom.

But tell it to me straight. When all us asexuals walk out of the room, you just devolve into giant peals of laughter about how gullible we are, right? Yeah?

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • Oh lawdy, lawd! Sex? For fun? Oh you kids are inventing new and more exciting ways to be heathen little sinners aren’t you?

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April Fools Week

“…have sex under a hive of Africanized Bee’s?”

That line kills me every time.

Consider this an April Fools Week, open thread.