HappyStPat’s and ImmaTheRealAsshole™

Hello Gals and Guys and Happy St. Patrick’s day, the gift of the Irish to all of us. The Celebration of her Patron Saint, which has been turned into a mid to late lenten expression of drunken tomfoolery. The perfect Holiday on so many vectors.

Anyhoo I had entirely forgotten about the day until I placed my order for coffee at the ‘bucks across the way. Employees with green “flair” tipped me off. I happen to, most of the time, wear something green, this time a baseball cap, so I am usually covered when I stumble upon the 17th of March.

Pivoting……..

One of our gentle readers sent in a comment which I would call the perfect example of a “shorter” of my last post. Values for “shorter” requiring poor reading comprehension skills and lack of empathy, with a bit of “whitesplaining” thrown in.

If you haven’t read it (the last post, that is) do so now, or not, as might be your want.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • As far as I can tell from this tale, the “Racist” did absolutely nothing overt toward the Large Black Man. Thanks for accosting someone you perceived to have committed a thought crime. You sound like a raging asshole. Congrats.

[Sound of fingers tapping on wooden desk]

Where to begin….

Our commenter has many a valid point and is correct insofar as the “Racist” (I like the capitalization and scare quotes surrounding that word btw) “…did absolutely nothing overt toward the LargeBlackMan.”

This might be technically the case if I had taken no notice of the beam of hatred. As an observer and victim of the particular behavior in question, and thus something of an expert on the subject, I have to disagree with the opening assessment.

The accusation of “…accosting…” might have a bit more salience in this case if I actually accosted the poor bastard (which now that you think about it I have done twice online at this point.)

If passing a person who is in distress and suggesting that they relax is “accosting” then I think we should have a new category for the dainty souls that run from such an encounter, say…Holocausting?

I mean what with all of the veritable lynchings that racists claim when called on their racism they should own that term.

He (almost certainly white) might also have a point on my perception of a “thought crime.” I might grant this point, were I not extraordinarily familiar with the stink eye, tensed body language, and energetic vibe that someone with their inchoate hate on projects. But then again, I might have been the real racist in the case in question. The subtleties of the subject are not lost on me.

On the last point, sir, you have caught me out. I can be an asshole,
though “raging” in this case, might step a bit past the line.

However regarding the case in question I really think that even if I had said “Quit being a racist asshole, your skirt is showing” (no offence intended to the ladies), that I would only have been an asshole in a version of the dictionary that added “speaking your mind without the privilege conferred by pale skin with penis” to its list of definitions.

Speaking of which, there has to be a conservative dictionary around so I can consult their perception of the meaning of words.

I have to admit that the “Thanks” and “Congrats” were delivered, perfectly dripping with passive aggressive passion.


‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

 

ScottishClowning™

I was gonna start up with something else. It was buried, yet churning, a-bubbling just beneath the surface, and I can’t remember exactly what the kernal was, because, well ScottishClowning™.

I think Imma gonna have a smoke and collect some brains/thoughts…brb.

OK, This may end up a multi smoke-break tale, and one in which there are two stories that will be told, and most certainly in one, I will be painted as an oppressor. The tales to be told will take likely more than the five minutes in question, to read.

Wake up a bit starvy, and while I have provisions in the pantry, the discovery of a comment requiring moderations with the almost simultaneous recognition that the monthly phone plan needed food yesterday (thought I was good until today) meant a trip to the ‘bucks was in order. As it is next door to the scottish clown, and the promise of a quicker breakfast, and the fact that I love the bacon egg cheese biscuits and the orange juice….There I ended, to start the day.

The wait after ordering was long enough to get me thinking…

Fast forward to large Black dude waltzing in, in flipflops, six foot six at least and 280-300 pounds. Big assed ‘Fro…Chilling. I noticed the anomaly immediately. I was profiling myself.

In my profile loomed a large brother who likes the sweetleaf, and whose manner and bearing indicates that he, while dressed in rather casual morning attire, was a person of some means. I checked the dude because he seemed anomalous. In a better world we would be working over a spliff and becoming fast friends and I would be writing this later. It is not even 08:30, as I type.

There was another profile. It was made by a person showing up right behind the LargeBlackMan.

I was into my first biscuit and enjoying the sweet-tangy palate cleansing aspects of the delicious orange juice. As I said I was starvy…

What struck me about the other party, almost immediately, was noticing how quickly he stopped in his tracks and actually created more distance between him and the LargeBlackMan. I did not assume there was any other reason for the move, beyond, “whoa, large dude, give him space.” A personally fine reason for a member of the averaged sized dude in question. I mean shit, there is a possibility that he could fall, one that I would not wish to break.

While continuing the work on my sammiches, mmmmmmmmmmm. These were done right by the way, I noticed that the gentleman in question was keeping very close tabs on the LargeBlackMan. Even though he had his back to me it was obvious that his primary concern was no longer his breakfast order, but what the LargeBlackMan might do and how he might be a threat.

I continued to observe the behavior (because it was obvious) while taking care of the prioritized need to put food on myself. After that, on the way to deal with my garbage, and tray, I did a thing….

I am not sure I have ever seen a truly terrified old white dude, in terrified flight back to his Fox-Hole, in the wild.

I chased the dude, who had just become aware of my presence, out of the store. This might have been me crossing the line to become an Oppressor.

What did I do, you ask?

Well short story….On my way to the waist bin, I stopped and said quietly “He’s not gonna bite” to the older dude in question.

His response should not have surprised me “Mind your own business, I know how to look after myself!” This had a spit of vitriol in it. I continued on my way, dumped my trash and upon returning to my seat he added “I worked in a difficult place” and as I took in the eyes of a man for whom the world seems an extremely dangerous place if there are non whites within view, I put my pack on while watching him make a beeline to the door. Then I shared what happened with the LargeBlackMan.

Anyone who has spent anytime here can figure out what the other profile consists of. How many weeks will the oppression that a couple dudes simply looking for breakfast unwittingly visited upon an older white guy story be told, the terror sweats and terror dreams, that will follow…We read about these assholes all the time. I gag about racing striped underoos way too often.

What did I do to oppress this poor bespectacled white man? “He’s not gonna bite.” Four words. Granted I might have used “…going to…” instead of gonna, so the grammatical crime is limited, but the real problem for him was that….I caught him and called out his being a racist without using the word. I did this while, well, being a Black person.

His departure from the premises was not expected, but he ran away, had to vacate the kitchen. It pains me that I took the smallest bit of solace, that inside I smiled a little…

 

R4CIZM HOW DUZ IT W3RK

So I bust out of the house in an attempt to make it to the scottish clown across the way, aka Mcdonalds, in time for breakfast, because lazy, and hungry, and like every other Black critter on the planet, looking for some race bating thing to get my racism on. It is really all we do…In a system set up to make lives more difficult and privilege obvious, it really is our only go to move.

Did I say that outloud, and does any of that make even the slightest amount of sense. Why, yes sir, it does, in the fever-brained, terrified imaginings, of wingnut wonder-lust. The same brains (of course) that bought into Cadillacs and T-bones.

I get through the door at 10:21, by the time I check the watch/phone…breakfast is over by 10:30 at this location…There is still the possibilty that the manager is not gonna respect the wishes of the people that actualy crossed the line in time…Have I forgotten to mention that this might be the worst Scottish Clown in all of the world. I mean atrociously horrible, execrable, should have been out of business 30 years ago bad…not shitting you…numerous management changes notwithstanding, still shitty, as shitty as it was over thirty years ago when I would occasionally visit the place during lunch hour when I was in High-school.

Did I mention shitty?

Anyhoo, back to my constant search for anything to offend, I manage to be that last person across the line for breakfast, and realize that the manager is going by the clock and not by the time people showed up, which is just one of those asshole moves made by middle management types because they constantly get shit on anyway.

Really, I don’t want to dog on the manager who hated the fuck out of the day, as I myself hate the fuck out of most days…I get it. Having been round the block in this neck of the woods, I know that the one thing I can imagine being the slightest shade of glorious after opening a MickyDee’s breakfast shift is the shift to lunch…This I get.

Call me old fashioned, but I also get the in the door before 5 o’clock bank rule. In the door before close, still served. Worked too many service jobs, always the case no matter how much you want to kill the sorry bastard that slipped between the door before you could get it locked…

I was the last sun-bitch to get breakfast or so I thought…The lady behind me, having made the dash as I had and therefore had made the cut by eight minutes was not so lucky.

She also happened to be Black.

When I made my way back (triumphant in my victory only after offering one of my sandwiches to the party in question, who demurely refused the offer) to the counter I witnessed that a customer two places behind was successfully ordering breakfast.

She was white.

She was making the same argument that this Uppity Assed Bastard would have been making. She had made it in before 10:30, had every legitimate reason to expect breakfast service. She was making exactly the same argument that would have justified breakfast service to the person behind me.

She was served what she was ordered.

I started to think about the many times I have not bothered to make the argument. How many times I have just taken the situation in stride, attempting to comport myself as a “credit to my race”, to look the other way as I missed out on one of the little joys a particular day might hold.

I have made the argument many times, I have also walked away without statement. This is how racism works on a daily basis, a million of ways. It is easier to look away, easier not to complain…Women get this as well.

I didn’t say a god damned thing. Yes, I offered one of my sandwitches, but did not raise a hue and cry about the bullshit that was transpiring in front of me. I had secured my breakfast. After nine minutes in line, I would have secured it on this day, as I would have argued, for me, for what I wanted. No way I was leaving the “Clown” without my biscuits.

The person behind me left disappointed, and fortunately did not witness the victorious acquisition of breakfast by a person two back in line. I did.

It pissed me off and now you get to read about it.

 

If I Drop Trou, You’ll See my Lie-hole

If I had any sense whatsoever I could have been a House Negro with a tidy little WingnutWelfareSinecure™. I would simply have to shitcan my soul and adopt a completely ridiculous view of the world and embrace self-loathing and a hatred of pretty much everything on the planet that was not directly responsible for my paycheck. I would also have to lie so much that my ass would be aflame with a regularity that would make a western wildfire green with envy.

That siren song sometimes calls, but then I am reminded that I am not so disposed, and while my ass has occasionally caught flame (pro-tip: Do not put a handfull of strike-anywhere matches in your back pocket, just don’t do that), I think the biggest problem for me would be the willful ignorance and the need to embrace pseudo scientific bullshit at every turn. I like science and am pre-disposed to like people that don’t look like me, though I do make exceptions for assholes. So off to NRO to see what the inside of a privileged but prevaricating white male colon looks like:

page_2014_mccarthy_andrewc_square

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s systematic evasion of federal recordkeeping requirements involved both the use of private email addresses and a server system installed in her Chappaqua manse. The servers, according to the Washington Free Beacon, may have been set up by shady longtime Clinton lackey Eric Hothem – under a false name (Eric Hoteham) slightly varied from his true name. It may also have been designed to give users the ability to erase emails without a trace.

A couple of things about the first sentence: One, it is a statement of fact once you remove the bit starting with “systematic” and ending with “the”, i.e the first part emphasized. The second, is the use of manse, which is designed to imbue the piece with gravitas and simultaneously signify that Hitlery is a Hypocrite because anyone with a “manse” should be a republican.

As far as the second and third sentence are concerned there is nary a fact in sight. He gets me with the “Washington Free Beacon” which is the first I have heard of what has to be a 7th rate piece of lie-funneling fishwrap and keeps me with the “may have’s.” This opening paragraph is a first rate example of shit attempting to pass itself off as shinola…

 

A Whiter Shade of Fail Part Deux.

‘Cause if yer trying sooooooooo haaaaard, you are probably doing it wrong…………….

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Yeah, gonna keep running with the pic above during the glorious fail highway that is the Conservative Political Action Commitee ThingamaJig-OogaBoogalooo they currently have transpiring.

A Drooling Cosplay DerpFest in search of a Derpulese to save them from,…Me, because, well, Negroid, and the rest of you, dear readers, who are in possession of IQ’s north of the Marxist Boiling Point of Water.

Being among those who accept the existence of Molecules, Earth as an Oblate Spheroid, accept water as a wet thing with interesting state change characteristics,and as such constitute the gravest danger to the body republic. Any of you that fit this particular bill, should keep an eye on the Pots Pol, who want to save the Country. Pro tip: Lose the Glasses at your earliest convenience. (Trots off to old blog to dig up Gettysburg…)

Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all monies are created equal.

(Note to self, put Gettysburg in the sidebar)

I have not yet plumbed the depths of what amounts to a (drawing a blank on a word*thank god I don’t get paid)on the despicable primrose path President 3/5ths KenyanMarxistNiggerMan is leading us, so I must be leaving for a moment and forage for that sweet fruit that awaits.

Have a video, while I go a searching for Derp amongst the Mangroves…My first and only actual music Video, my appearances are of the blink and miss it variety, but I am the guy playing Bass…

Well that didn’t take long, though I fear that the Straw Poll means that this confabulation is over today but Mr Acorn of Libertardis (R-DerpTucky) the apparent winner of said StrawPollTaxTheNiggers™ was followed by the GoggleEyed (not really feeling it Charles Homuculous. Having not yet read the article, as that is one of the various fashions in which I Roll, and because I want this shit to be as fresh to you as it is to me we shall peek into the widening gyre that is the WashingtonTimes!!!

First WhiskyGolf gives me a twofer which I do not deserve as I was simply quoting Yeats, but hell I’ll take it. I havent read a word on the page but the picture accompanying the piece means that…..Sweet, Gimp, the Linux version of P-shop is in fact already open on another workspace…..BRB.
randpauleyes1

The title of the thing:
CPAC 2015 Straw Poll: Rand Paul wins again — but Scott Walker is surging

Can we get a fluffer in the room or a carton of Enzyte…Speaking of Enzyte, where did they and the smiling guy go…Those were BonerPill™ Commercials I could not bring myself to hate.

anyhooo
randpaulhair1
Hairpie? Or Hoodie?

Sen. Rand Paul won The Washington Times/CPAC presidential preference straw poll for the third time in a row while Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker surged to second place, as they trounced the rest of a strong but crowded field of potential candidates Saturday.

Of course we all know how this goes as the FatherCorn won the thing a bunch of times in the past, It is almost as if during the second or third week of lent, Republicans are trying to get laid, what with the surging hormones and LogCabinFever, and Spring right round the corner and all, and take this one chance to attempt to Cosplay Libertarian for a minute, and “I promise, I’ll put on a condom” to get into somethings pants…
randpaulslice1

Yeah, that. Did, I, it.

I swear to god I had not seen this before cracking about the Libertarian excuse to bed something:

The more than 3,000 activists who voted at this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference also showed commanding support for legalizing marijuana, with a strong plurality of 41 percent saying it should be legal for recreational use, and another 26 percent saying Americans should be able to at least use it for medicinal purposes with permission of a doctor.

Jeealzibub on a pogo stick….

Now given the ferocity with which your standard conservative value can turn on a dime, especially if a Negro anywhere is percieved to be having fun…..How did LBJ put it (also sidebar material) via Moyers:

We were in Tennessee. During a motorcade, the President spotted some ugly racial epithets scrawled on signs by a few plain, he called them homely, white women on the edge of the crowd. Late that night in the hotel, long past midnight, he was still going on about how poor whites and poor blacks had been kept apart so that they could separately be fleeced-. ”I’ll tell you what’s at the bottom of it,” he said. “If you can convince the lowest white man that he’s better than the best colored man, he won’t notice you’re picking his pocket. Hell, give him somebody to look down on, and he’ll even empty his pockets for you.”

Yeah, there is always that and unfortunately sea level rise will make Manhattan and Miami untenable, lomg before we are able to clean that particular skidmark from our National Underoos…

Anyway, McCarthy’s Doppleganger finished in third, those eyes….
Cruisingeyes

Are Cryin….

Cruisingeyes

Just came across the greatest question. Mommadillo in the comments at Roy’s asks:

I’m always amazed at the ability of conservatives to denounce all efforts against them as McCarthyism while simultaneously considering the real McCarthy a hero and public benefactor. How the fuck does that work?

How indeed?…

[Update] I really should read all of these articles sometime…..

Because If I had, I would have not discovered in my local fishwrap that TeamBlackness™, this time running as the Good Dr. Carson finished a scant .1 percentage point behind TailgunnerTed™ to slot into fourth place. Again proving that Conservatives love to get laid and take any opportunity that Does. Not. Matter. At. All. to pretend that they are not, in fact, a howling pack of Racists…

….

….

 

A Whiter Shade Of Fail™

Cpac is a hippening, a hoppining and a happining.

B-yR4ZsXIAI7RqN.jpg:large

The first time I saw this image (thanks Lime Rickey) my initial response was:

When you have to try that hard…….You are doing, whatever it is, wrong.

Talk about “A whiter shade of Fail™”…..

The guy on the right seems like a favorite of the photographers and seems very happy to oblige…The sweatband is simply precious, though I am not sure what winger gang sign is represented by the “feel my bicep” maneuver, but it does seem like his go to move.

cpac-conservative-political-action-conference-mark-peterson-republicans-2

And here he is just kickin’ it old school. I gotta say I am surprised he kept the business shoes rather than go for some flag ones, and the socks…I guess the message is a mullet like “Party up top, business downstairs”

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I seem to remember something from cub/boyscouts about treating the flag with proper respect:

The flag should not be used as “wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery”, or for covering a speaker’s desk, draping a platform, or for any decoration in general (exception for coffins). Bunting of blue, white and red stripes is available for these purposes. The blue stripe of the bunting should be on the top.[6]

Yeah that sounds about right.

popupatriot

It wouldn’t be a proper CPAC post without giving a shout out to the tri-corn contingent.

tricorny

Feel free to drop any ridiculous images of conservative bufoonery that you may encounter out in the wild.

 

CrazyassedPoltroonsAssembleClaptrap

paulcist

Those eyes, so seductive to a certain subset of young male freedumb loving libertarians, whose understanding of, well, anything is usually limited.

He has opened up his piehole again to call out members of the congressional Black Caucus for the Impurity of their anti war stance. I mean if you haven’t yet come across the story, I’m betting the averasge SadlyNaut™ could guess the reason Paul was nonplussed. I mean really the only shred of credibility the dude retains is his anti-war stance. Anyhoo:

“I was always annoyed with it in Congress because we had an anti-war unofficial group, a few libertarian Republicans and generally the Black Caucus and others did not — they are really against war because they want all of that money to go to food stamps for people here,” former Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX) told Lew Rockwell earlier this month.

Sorry son.
randpaul

But your old man is a racist shitheel, but then again the acorn did not fall far…

Ok it is the Opening day at CPAC and while I thought that the horribly unfunny day by day image was an invention of Muir’s I found this while running an CPAC image search on google (for the eyes)
cruzblacklisted

Now this Cruz cat is a dead ringer for TailgunnerJoe™McCarthey. If you ask me the whole “Blacklisted and Lovining it” is an indication that something else, once good and wholesome has died, has joined “Honor”,”Irony” and “Shame” to rot in a dumpster in an alley behind K-Street. I just can’t put my finger on what it is, though I suspect that Hyperbole, and Poe’s Law may soon become casualties…

[Update] Totes forgot about this example of RealMericanPatriots™

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How fucking fearful and insecure do you have to be to put shit like that on, wear it with pride, or at least what passes for a straight face. I mean if you were trying to infiltrate my cell, I might be vary wary to have someone around trying that hard…

 

WhatPassesForTheFunnyPlusRudy911

While trolling the ‘trons for something to goof on, I found myself at Pajamas for possibly the first time and followed a link to this:
DayByDay022215

Click to embigggen, click again to embigggen more, I myself and gonna have to take another gander or three, as this one seems to have so many subconscious and unstated pathologies that I can’t begin to sort them out and I pray that his Noodly Goodness shall see to it that I will never be able to do so.

This may have been a feature of previous cartoons by Chris Muir but I hadn’t noticed before, but then again, I only see the dudes work when some other rational blogger features his “talents.” This comic is sponsored by one Dan Wilterding. Who is that? I have no Idea, but let us find out, if we can, via the Gizoogle. The only hits that come up are directory listings for a company in Texas…

Again, I can only stare and blink at the thing, so lets move on to ClownHall™ where we start with the political cartoon of the day.
clownhalltopicaloscarfunny

Ha! It’s funny ’cause it is true, and it’s topical, because Oscars and because Sally Field…Ha! Obamacare tax penalty makes for the comedic version of the rhetorical tri-fecta.

I really think that the Conservative Humor deficit is related to an agressively anathematic relationship with the concept of consent.

Still on the front page we have Doug Giles who also has a sense of Humours demonstrated by the clickbaity title of his column: Christianity Is To Terrorism What Rosie O’Donnell Is To Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition.

Giles is nothing if not a paragon of class and chivalry, so I wonder if what follows will illuminate or make any sense at all, though I suspect the gag will be a riff on Obama’s recent comments in which he did not accuse every muslim on the planet a terrorist or something.

Man, dont you love how Obama and his soft-brain disciples have made Christians out to be fish-stickered, bug-eyed equals to incensed Islam? If you were to accept what the White House says about Christians youd think the Church is chomping at the bit to chop off some heads of unbelievers.

If you were to accept….you would think….heads of unbelievers. True, if one is a moron without reading or listening comprehension skills one very well might believe the version Giles is peddling…

I will give this to Clown Hall, they put up the first utterings of their idiot columnists on the front page, and as usual, and in especially this case, there is enough up front to save the bother of delving further.

At this point and the reason I stopped at the page in the first place, was what promises to be yet another, in a long line of Guliani justifications in defence of Rudy’s Racism.

Near the end of page one Derick Hunter attempts to make a point, in such a fashion that if one was not explicitly paying attention one might derive the wrong impression which is why, I figure, he draws a pay-check.

As Obama put it when he was secretly taped at an organizing meeting during his activist days, “More broadly, we progressive community organizers exploit the anger that festers when people feel that injustice and corruption leave them with no chance of improving their lives.”

Can you believe that?

It’s not true. Obama actually wrote that line in a Los Angeles Times column this week, only where I wrote “we progressive community organizers” the president wrote “groups like al Qaeda and ISIL.

First it doesn’t hew to the truth, except, instead of a secretly taped meeting [ed. Jesus H, that 47% crap and the missing Whitey tape, have left some republicans with asses a shade redder than an angry baboon] he wrote that in an El A times column, ‘cepting the parts where I put words in his mouth that have absolutely no relation to what was actually stated. But certain that his target audience has skipped on to the next paragraph, his work on this account, is done…

If you read the first statement and thought the president could have said that, you’re not that far from where Rudy was coming from. That either version is believable is telling.

The line I edited sounds like something Obama would have said. It’s not hateful to say it. It’s not racist. It’s just a fact. And it being a fact [ed. what being a fact?] is why so many on the left have accused Giuliani of being a hater or a racist – they don’t want people to think too hard about it.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle, unless we are livin la vida loca in Conrad’s Heart of Darkness):

  • The shit I just made up to support an unsupportable point, is shit I just made up, but because it sounds like something that he would say, it is a fact. And the fact is that Obama is a ni(Clang) who hates Amercia and whose white mother makes us not at all racist.

Read the rest of this entry »

 

A Few Good Mengeles And a Brastickle

Today is partly a good day, as all of the Pitchers and Catchers have reported to Spring Training. Baseball season begins, which always places a positive spin on my mood. But as usual, the Universe finds a way to temper my good will.

[Update: Apparently I have been taken down the primrose path] Yay me.

In the “We can’t discuss misogyny in skeptic circles until we rid the world of all other evils…” department. Yeah, Fuck You Dawkins, with Victor Davis Hanson’s Rusty stolen chainsaw which somehow got welded to Bob Owens’s hurricane damaged grill, sideways…

According to LifeSiteNews, a Catholic publication, the Kenya Catholic Doctors Association is charging UNICEF and WHO with sterilizing millions of girls and women under cover of an anti-tetanus vaccination program sponsored by the Kenyan government.

The Kenyan government denies there is anything wrong with the vaccine, and says it is perfectly safe.

The Kenya Catholic Doctors Association, however, saw evidence to the contrary, and had six different samples of the tetanus vaccine from various locations around Kenya sent to an independent laboratory in South Africa for testing.

The results confirmed their worst fears: all six samples tested positive for the HCG antigen. The HCG antigen is used in anti-fertility vaccines, but was found present in tetanus vaccines targeted to young girls and women of childbearing age. Dr. Ngare, spokesman for the Kenya Catholic Doctors Association, stated in a bulletin released November 4:

“This proved right our worst fears; that this WHO campaign is not about eradicating neonatal tetanus but a well-coordinated forceful population control mass sterilization exercise using a proven fertility regulating vaccine. This evidence was presented to the Ministry of Health before the third round of immunization but was ignored.”

Hey, at least it is not Tuskegee, right?

Dr. Ngare told LifeSiteNews that several things alerted doctors in the Church’s far-flung medical system of 54 hospitals, 83 health centres, and 17 medical and nursing schools to the possibility the anti-tetanus campaign was secretly an anti-fertility campaign.

Why, they ask does it involve an unprecedented five shots (or “jabs” as they are known, in Kenya) over more than two years and why is it applied only to women of childbearing years, and why is it being conducted without the usual fanfare of government publicity?

“Usually we give a series three shots over two to three years, we give it anyone who comes into the clinic with an open wound, men, women or children.” said Dr. Ngare.

But it is the five vaccination regime that is most alarming. “The only time tetanus vaccine has been given in five doses is when it is used as a carrier in fertility regulating vaccines laced with the pregnancy hormone, Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (HCG) developed by WHO in 1992.” (Source.)

Because the Great White Father always knows what is best.

Now we take a right turn in which to laugh or cry at something that is supposed to represent cleverness or Second Amendment chic:

Open-Carry-T0shirts-Facebook-800x430

A Colorado business owner is selling T-shirts that show a realistic-looking holstered gun strapped to the wearer’s side.

Paul Liebe, who owns Nitelife Billiards, describes his “open carry” T-shirts and polo shirts as conversation starters that are also intended to irritate liberals.

“Freedom of speech, it’s your right, and it just has a little kick on the side,” Liebe said.

Thinking about getting one of these to facilitate my eventual suicide by cop fantasies….The only thing missing is the stock image of windblown flag with crying bald eagle underneath the one of the shoulder holster.

Mr. Gun Totin, WhitePowerLovin’ almost certainly g-dropping SuperGenius, I am not at all irritated. Rather I am pointing and laughing at your Mastery of the Funnybones. You simply couldn’t help yourself, you just had to open your mouth and remove any bit of doubt as to whether you are a skull-fucking* idiot, or not. Nicely played.

I find it maddening, saddening, and hilarious that there is a cluster of RushFluffers, whose sole motivation is pissing on and pissing off strawmen, effigies that only exist in their fevered imaginations. Look at the genuine happiness reflected in their smiles. They are really putting it to those damn liberals.

Is it just me or does the dude on the left have a black eye? You’ll have to embiggen to catch it. Anyway with this bit of Ha! I Gotcha! Burn!(replete with index finger to tounge and ssssss noise) what could possibly go wrong?

A Facebook page set up to promote the shirts promises they are sure to “drive anti-gun nuts crazy.”

But they also come with a pretty serious warning.

“Don’t put your hand on the shirt on the gun,” Liebe cautioned. “(The warning) lets them know that if a police officer gives you a command it’s because he sees your shirt at a distance and thinks you’re carrying a gun.”

Damn, that was gonna be my go to move.

There does seem to be enough room for a pithy liberal phrase on the front of the shirt like “This Feminazi God Hating Treehugger loves Open Carry” or “Moron Labe” or “Rush Limbaugh has a Tiny Penis.” Feel free to add Ideas in the comments.

And on an entirely different front I am trying to recover some of the lost images that have graced these pages over the years and was wondering if anyone might like to join in the fun. This of course would include any backups the original Artists™ might have, otherwise the Wayback Machine seems our only hope.

The idea would be for one to claim a month and year and then copy all of the images from the pages that come up and then upload to a place yet to be determined…

Did I mention Pitchers and Catchers?

*A simple fucking idiot was imho just not quite enough idiot in this case

[UPDATE]

Too good to be stolen without attribution was found in the comments accompanying the article. mahaganapati says “The back should either have a bulls-eye on it or the phrase “I’m with stupid” and an arrow pointing up.”

I gotta say the “I’m with Stupid” is one I would really like to see

Also Some guy in comments reminds me of a rather unfortunate version of ‘YARDGO‘ (YetAnotherResponsiblyDeadGunOwner). We’ll hit up Susie this time to spread the love…

Earlier this year, St. Joseph Public Safety officers reported that 55-year-old Christina Bond had died on New Years Day from what appeared to be a self-inflicted gunshot wound to her eye.

Although the full autopsy had not been completed, officials released new details on Wednesday.

“She was having trouble adjusting her bra holster, couldn’t get it to fit the way she wanted it to. She was looking down at it and accidentally discharged the weapon,” St. Joseph Public Safety Director Mark Clapp said.

According to an obituary published by Florin Funeral Service, Bond joined the U.S. Navy out of high school, and served two terms as an active Military Police. She was an administrator for the Road to Life Church, and an “active member of the Christian Motorcycle Association.”

braholster

Really? Just stunning, the whole fucking thing. By all accounts she was a vivacious and well liked Michigander (I know People magazine, right?)

Christina Bond had carved out a comfortable, exciting life for herself.

After high school, she had served two tours as a military police officer in the United States Navy. At 55, she worked as an administrator of her church. She stayed in good shape, taking home the 2013 Miss Michigan Figure Overall Championship. In her spare time, she was an active member in the Christian Motorcycle Association.

Sweet white lady laden with the virtuous values of a WingNutForJesus™ which really is a floor wax and a dessert topping.

The obituary described Bond as being “on FIRE for the LORD.”Last summer, she was elected as a Republican Precinct Delegate for Saint Joseph Charter Precinct 1.Her Facebook page is filled with Bible verses, and information about organizing for the Republican Party. Several recent posts complained about Common Core education standards, and about President Barack Obama. Other posts depicted black protesters in Ferguson as dangerous rioters.

“Here’s the most critical evasive driving tactic to avoid getting swarmed and killed in a riot,” one post was titled.

And helpful, dont forget helpful.

Has to be a shoe in for the Darwins

 

Goldberg Variations Alert

And so it begins….I mean what self respecting LibTardMarxyBastard and GentlemanScientist™ could avoid wading into the warm waters presented here.

nro1

Where to begin…This is just the title and the tagline, and before we even get out of the boat or have a chance to stub our toe on a bit of coral on our way to the mangroves and beyond, we encounter fail. If I were a generous sort, I might be inclined to see this as trolling. I mean is Science Ceasar in the title. Are we to render Salad unto same?

The “memo” such as it is falls not only into the “no Shit Sherlock” category (at least the part past the comma), but purports that its author is in tune with the will of a “god” that he cynically employs when it suits his fancy.

jonah

Before we dig in there is an editors note:
“The following is Jonah Goldberg’s weekly “news”letter, the G-File. Subscribe here to get the G-File delivered to your inbox on Fridays.”

Sounds like a deal at twice the price. I don’t know if I have seen a G-file of such quality in the wild or at the mall. For me the best part is the “news”letter. It would seem that it is now cool to use punctuation within words themselves, though I am not sure what you would call that…AwkwardLooking? A nod to “truth”inadvertising? Let’s see what tendentious codswallop follows.

Dear Reader (Unless you’re at the screening of Al-Qaeda Sniper), All of us are equal in the eyes of God and the law — or at least that’s how it’s supposed to work.

OK, yeah, huh? What the fuck? OK. So maybe this G-Phile is a new venture and that convoluted mess is supposed to serve as introduction, or something. I learned a couple of things, there is apparently a group called African American Conservatives, and these guys are fucking hilarious, so much so that they caught Jonah’s attention and Jonah just had to get a gag in before the first bell. Click to embiggen, its a tour de force of conservative humor and will save you a click on the previous link.

AQSniper

What this has to do with Science unless experimentation with the combustable properties of strawmen is involved (Pro Tip bucket of linseed oil soaked rags…), I know not, but the opening sentence is packed with meaning if you have a wingnut decoder ring and a cast iron stomach. Plus African Americans promoted this, indicating that poor taste does not adhere to any boundaries, racial or otherwise, but it does seem like conservatives have warehouses filled with the stuff a veritable Hudson Bay Company circa 1835 of Comedy. Back to the meat and let’s see if anything resembling the promised point rears its head in the first graph.

(Though the fact that Jon Corzine has neither been hit by lightning nor carted off to jail sometimes causes me moments of doubt on both fronts.) I try pay lip-service to the same principle about readers of this “news”letter, but let’s face it. That’s not true. Nearly all G-File readers are cherished, but not all are cherished equally.

As a reader it would seem that I fall into the latter, cherished but not equally so.

So out of the gate we are up to two digs on the Libtardian Menace, and three failed attempts to gin up a laugh, the double edged coda for which the “Load” is famous ends a graph that says literally nothing. Mayhaps the second graph will bear some fruit.

(And, in a year or two when my next book comes out, the great schism in my heart will be between those of you who eagerly purchase my book, and you shameful free riders who, for years, were perfectly happy for me to throw you the gold Aztec idol week after week, but now refuse to throw me the whip as promised, saying “Adios, Señor.” This is the quid people, my next book will be the pro quo.

Run this gibberish through the Janus node and we might find something within that makes sense. The self regard on display is astonishing as is his attempt to coerce a couple of sales out of his pack of “readers” who may be so weighted down with golden Aztec Idols that they find it impossible to make it to the book store, before the Book in question is remanded to the remainder bin. Or maybe this is just him giving them (AztecIdolCollectors™) time to get their waddle on.

The use of latin in the service of an attempted gag, lends both the author and his readers a simulacrum of gravitas. (I just did it too. I bet you are feeling even more substantial than you were before…n’yuk, n’yuk…JKMK,P.)

If you assume each Goldberg File I’ve written is worth a quarter, you should probably convert it into zombie-apocalypse currency and assume it’s equal in value to a can of dog food, six dead D batteries, or a fully operational calk gun. But the price is what the market will bear, and even at that valuation, it would more than cover the price of my forthcoming magnum opus for any longtime reader. You have been put on notice.)

“But the price is what the market will bear,…” “…valuation…”
“…magnum opus…” “…put on notice…” I am reminded that the only reason the market floated this excrescence to prominence was due to a cum-stain on a dress. That is it. In a nutshell. Period.

jonah

Reminding myself that he actually gets paid enormous amounts to do his literary version of interpretive dancing has me wishing for a fully operational battle station targeting my current location.

Anyhoo, I was promised Science and so maybe, possibly, we’ll find something in the third graph, but this time I’m going scuba:

I bring this up because Charles Krauthammer is a reader of this “news”letter which, like seeing a spider monkey in your brand new kitchen making crème brûlée with a blowtorch, is both cool and scary.

Namedropping Krauthammer is not science, but is both scary and cool like a spidermonkey gourmand with a blowtorch in a new kitchen….I Wonder if McMe-again has one of those in a cage next to the himalayan salt. But really? Hello? Science? Nope, not yet, more about the super cool and menacing Krauthammer.

Why it’s cool should be obvious. He’s the Hammer. It’s scary because . . . he’s the Hammer. I try very hard not to put a face to my readers because, frankly, this thing is sometimes so stupid and self-indulgent if I imagined a real person reading it, I’d push the keyboard away.

Yeah, we get it Jonah, you can remove your lips from the lap of Charles now. Now the dime on which this chooses to turn, represents something so rarely seen in the wild among movement conservatives, a sense of self awareness, that I really have to see it again…

because, frankly, this thing is sometimes so stupid and self-indulgent if I imagined a real person reading it, I’d push the keyboard away.

Yet he won’t. Will he. Ever…It appears that he is gonna stun us with his acumen and bring science up in the next graph:

Fernal Linguistics

Anyway, Charles is a big fan of “unpaired words.” I don’t mean words with the Bluetooth turned off. I mean . . . hmmm . . . how do I explain?

Get your face the fuck out of the poor doods lap, his pants are soaked through by now.

Well, many times, during the commercial break on Special Report, we’ve gone back and forth — brandy snifters in hand — talking about how we need a president with more feck running an ept and gormful foreign policy. These conversations usually take place after the make-up lady comes into the studio to make sure that we look kempt and shevelled. Well, last Wednesday, the topic came up again, and we kept bandying them about. Which made me think, “This is pretty cool.” It also made me think, “This would be a good riff for the G-File.”

Ha, Ha, Ha, bringing the funny ala Goldberg has me wondering if he is getting paid to make Dennis Miller look good, I mean really, “feck” and “gorm”? Still no science, and Jonah continues to go at krauthammers lap like a starving dog attacking a pound of ground round.

Still, I’m hoping that he isn’t gruntled by this somewhat nocuous and entirely effable effort to rip off one of his favorite parlor games. Indeed, I could have dropped this choate schtick without name-dropping Charles, which might have made it seem less petuous, but why leave my motivation unbeknownst when it can be beknownst? Better to go communicado and cognito, I say. Particularly when I’m still throat clearing as I try to scrounge up a real topic to discuss. Still, I fear I seem quite chalant as I search for sipid things to say. If I don’t work harder, this “news”letter will never be combobulated. (“I don’t want to disrupt your flow here, so I’ll rupt it. But you should know this all comes across as soucient and below even your pareil writing style. I would have thrown this whole thing out the window, but you opted to fenestrate it.” — The Couch)

Thus ends the first page (two more to go for our intrepid mango hunters) in a flourish.

“It takes the dictionary and puts it in the blender. It empties the blender into a salad shooter and sprays the contents upon the wall.”

Which is what I imagine to be his instruction to the interns who clearly show a heavy hand on this, this, thing. That I have no idea whatsoever who the fuck the last parenthetical aside is addressing, I will state that I would willingly sharpen Cheney’s Hardon and pluck out my remaining eye with it, if even my F-Game could not best Jonah’s prose while phoning it in with both hands tied behind its back.

Where I recover the newly missing 20 IQ points is a mystery to me, as is LoadBellies™ Relevance. Maybe he’ll get to science and an actual point on one of the other pages that I won’t be bothered to read….JeebusFuckingX on a hand hewn wooden PogoStick.