A Triptych of Shit

Kevin Williamson is hard at work on his Patrick Swayze cosplay for this year’s SeditionCon.

“Meritocracy at Work”, National Oh Y’all are Just Being Cute Now:

Some of you may be wondering where I’ve been for the last week. Well, some of it is still classified, but I can confirm as per the rumors that it did indeed involve a rocketship, the Attorney General of Vanuatu, and an entire barrel of Kinky Brand Liquor*.

But enough about me and my probable sex tape**, because the sad truth of life is that all this time off from reading the absolute worst of humanity has left me with an unhealthily healthy self esteem. Thus, the only thing to save you all from an impending horde of my Doombots is to inject myself with so much liquid crazy that I begin shitting my drawers and thinking Reagan was a decent president.
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And the Walls Came Tumbling Down in the Towers that We Hate

Being a queer conservative is a kink too far for the likes of me.

Andrew Sullivan, The Seriously, Sully, that Gay Male Stereotype?:
The hounding of Brendan Eich

You know, I never thought I’d ever do this, but I have to agree 100% with Andrew Sullivan.

As someone else who has suffered job discrimination because I am trans*, I am utterly sickened at the way that Eich has been hounded out of his job just because he identifies as a transman. Especially as he would have been the first trans* person to ever hold such a lofty position in a major company and-

What? That isn’t actually what it is about? Oh, I shouldn’t have given Sully that much credit, but still, it’s worth noting that anti-gay discrimination is still rampant, especially in the upper echelons of companies where bigoted attitudes can thrive and fester on the backs of rich white men who’ve never had to interact with the greater culture and-

Really? No? Okay, to be absolutely fair, I haven’t actually read his post yet, just the seventy-three million iterations of anti-gay conservatives claiming he has apparently been the only gay rights activist who has ever lived and a “champion” of gay marriage who spotted a nasty case of discrimination and if I can’t trust professional bigots who’d lie about the color of the sky if they thought it would give them an electoral advantage, who…

Maybe I should double check what this is all about…

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • Bu-bu-but the free market is only supposed to work against the under-privileged! That’s not how libertarian talking points are supposed to work.

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Invented By Trendy Young People in the 60s

Pocahontas, no! That’s how you catch the AIDS! Now you have pregnant herpes! #Howconservativesthinksexworks

Janice Shaw Grouch, American Cryogenics Resurectees:
Exposing the Myths of Recreational Sex

Okay, lay it to me straight readers*.

You all just made up this “sex” thing to confuse us asexuals, didn’t you? I mean, sure, you have all this so-called “porn” on the internet, you all talk about it amongst yourselves, and you’ve bribed the greedy bankrollers in Big Biology to make it seem like the primary form of reproduction and recreation amongst a huge swath of the Animalia Kingdom.

But tell it to me straight. When all us asexuals walk out of the room, you just devolve into giant peals of laughter about how gullible we are, right? Yeah?

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • Oh lawdy, lawd! Sex? For fun? Oh you kids are inventing new and more exciting ways to be heathen little sinners aren’t you?

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April Fools Week

“…have sex under a hive of Africanized Bee’s?”

That line kills me every time.

Consider this an April Fools Week, open thread.


Cool Schmool

Look upon ye Master, ye huddled slaves. Let its shiny can overwrite your mind and fill you with subliminal thoughts!

Kyle Smith & Wesson (but really failed comedian Greg Gutfield), New York’s The Post:
The hipster war on you: How liberals use cool as a weapons


Oh, we have gone far too long, my friends. Far too long since the last epic meltdown piece by desperate conservatives desperately trying to grasp onto some falling piece of youth culture or hip relevance.

And it’s a real shame, because these posts practically write themselves with their total failure to grasp even the outlines of the broader culture the wingnut finds themselves lost and confused within. I mean, with their insistent demand to dominate all culture and gain its reputation without work or effort, and of course their myopic failure to grasp just why they will never ever understand the culture they flail around, it’s pretty much a gold mine for us snark merchants.

Even more so when the whiny conservative in question decides to mix some good old fashioned dominant group with a persecution complex baggage into the mix in order to blame his personal failings on some Lovecraftian conspiracy of PBR beer cans and trucker hats.

In short, ladies, gentlemen, non-binary individuals, and fluberts, start up the popcorn, because we are in for a treat.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • The only possible reason my hacktacular rip-off show bought for me by wingnut welfare trying to ape the success of The Daily Show without a single understanding of its appeal failed is because of a vast conspiracy of PBR-drinking, truck hat-wearing, ironic racism-spewing hipsters working overtime to personally destroy me and other conservatives. It’s not my fault, it’s the coolocracy, I’m telling you! THE COOLOCRACCCCCCYYYYYYY!

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Insert Forced Crimea Pun Here

I mean, I would have gone with Crimea River, but apparently every media hack on the planet beat me to it.

Roger Cohen, The Motherfucking NY Times™:
Cold Man in the Kremlin

Bob in Himmel’s anus, am I tired of reading wingnut drivel about Russia in Ukraine.

Fresh off their brief love affair with the Russian tyrant in the wake of his anti-gay policies, we’ve got an unending spring of intense polemics.

I mean, yes, duh, Putin is an asshole who invades sovereign nations because they think being a UN security state with a nuclear arsenal and a large military gives one a free pass for whatever war of choice one wants to perform. Gosh, I wonder where he got that idea! Couldn’t possibly be our decade plus of dicking around the Islamic world for our personal game of Crusade Reenactment Porn. Nope, must be Endless Tyrant Obama quailing like a little mouse before Putin’s virile chest and “showing weakness” because apparently global politics is apparently supposed to operate on the self-delusions high school bullies tell themselves.

And yes, there’s a host of other bullshit in everything. Right down to the way that some people in Eastern European states pining for the days of the Soviet Union after seeing how crony capitalism and mass corruption led by Anti-Communists has left them. Putin’s own brand of corrupt corprotacracy. And the way that the EU has treated sections of the former Eastern Bloc in their efforts to join. Not to mention that Russia wants to rebuild its own empire by sucking up the “rebel nations” that escaped it and how a lot of his moves are about punishing countries for resisting his heavy-handed efforts to steal elections to serve his cadre of corrupt capitalists and his perverse nationalism.

And who knows, if we were having an earnest conversation about the failures in the Post-Soviet era and modern Russia, that’d be great.

But all through the media and especially on every right-wing blog on the planet, it’s not about that. It’s instead about one thing.

Shorter Every Fucking Idiot on the Right since Putin Coughed in Ukraine’s Direction:

  • Oh please say the Cold War is back. Oh please say the Cold War is back. We’ve been desperate for an enemy as perfect for our interests ever since they went away. The existential terror of annihilation, the supposed leftist point of view which let us posit right-wing capitalism and christian dominism the opposite, the spies and secrecy which let us blacklist and demonize whole swaths of activists and intellectuals and prop up our own talking heads as patriotic heroes, the way conformity could be posited as patriotism, and so on. Oh, we’ve tried our best with the “terrorists” but you just can’t dress up those right-wing religious nutjobs as the same existential threat that the commies represented. Fuck, we just want our apocalypse. C’mon Putin, we’ve been good. We need this release so fucking bad.

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Awarding Mediocrity

And she’s only one of the meaty offerings up for display this fine day.

A Whole Lotta Fail, The Usual Suspects:

So thanks to educating the young sprogs of America, I have managed to catch the Grand Daddy of Fuck You Colds. As such, I’ve been reduced enough in mental faculties to be able to shotgun far more than the usual amount of toxic chemicals… I mean, wingnut bullshit, I mean… wait, was I right the first time.

Point being, dwelling on the plague bearers that cursed me has reminded me of the favorite wingnut rant about kids these days (as in literally, rather than the usual all-encompassing rants about anyone under the age of 60).

That being that kids have been COMPLETELY RUINED by the “everyone wins” culture. A demonic consortium that rewards participation instead of only celebrating those whose jaws drip red with the limbs of those who came in 4th. Or at least that’s how they would categorize it.

Which has baffled me, because the types of assholes who whine about this are not at all the sorts who would be winning any competition that wasn’t bought and paid for with their daddy’s money (or perhaps an Upper-Class Twit of the Year style event). I mean, sure, they rubbed themselves until they spurt blood at the thoughts of the swaggering jock assholes, but that doesn’t mean they were anywhere close to the running.

And that’s when it hit me. The poor bastards are jealous and have misinterpreted rewarding the effort to at least try as a conspiratorial action against their clear and obvious genius in combing Obama’s birth certificate for kerning.

As such, I think it’s right time we rewarded these recognition starved incompetents and hand out some awards for what meager spoils the poor bastards do succeed at.
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When did giving a Fuck become a bad thing

submitted without comment*.

Reality Checker said,

March 18, 2014 at 5:53 · Edit

it’s an act of faith to be anything other than completely despairing.

That’s one act of faith I have had a hell of a time with lately.

I mean really. I grew up in a house where we knew personally a lot of the people involved in many struggles for social justice. But I have never felt worse about the prospects for having grandchildren at all.

We have a whole class of people that is hell bent on not only taking everything and re-instating slavery, but committing species suicide as well. I feel that at least the ancient Greeks understood how to live in a world like this: make sacrifices to the capricious, sociopathic gods and hope they didn’t decide to kill you this morning.

I don’t even know who to sacrifice to.

And then I see people like Goldberg. And I just wonder why I ever bothered to even try. I spent all those years trying to improve myself, to do my bit to make the world better. What the hell was I thinking? Moral courage? Shit, that was pretty stupid of me, evidently, and completely futile, since the conservatards are bent on making any future for humanity a moot point.

Sorry I am having a bad day.

*Never apologize when empathy takes the breath away.


A Morning in a life…

Not even a quarter past ten and I have the pleasure of choosing to make a noise at the local greasy spoon or to walk away and write the following.

It is unfortunate that one does not always possess the energy to launch into battle especially when one seeks only breakfast. Whilst having to endure the badinage of a couple of Whitemaninstanians™ about their perceived privations endured during the reign of BlackHitler I felt that discretion was warranted and kept my tongue.

For a bit,

When my suggestion that Obama was simultaneously the source of all malevolence in this world and a blithering idiot was met with un-ironic assent I bit down on my tongue.

In response to the graybeard who suggested that Obama was gonna put a white woman in every bed of a black man I was forced to say something and I told both the greybeard and the idiot he was speaking with that they were both fools as I made my way to the register.

And yet an hour later I feel like a coward.


I’m so Cynical, I Don’t even Believe this Post

In the words of Ani Difranco, I have earned my disillusionment.

Jonah Loadpants, National Grue:
The Most Cynical Generation

Right-wingers have a very complicated relationship with “the kids these days”.

On one hand, they hate them. I mean, that’s been true of every conservative movement of every age. Demonizing and despising the youth and blaming them for everything wrong in society largely because the march of social evolution means the youth by and large are less willing to support the dominant bigotry of the times, whether that be against black people, women, queers, the poor, or so on. The youth are a convenient scapegoat for the simple fact that one cannot stop time in place until one is fully interred with the rot of worms.

On the other hand, they fucking hate them. Whoever is the youth represents more than a more liberal generation or a group whose strange pop tastes in music and clothing baffle and confuse them. They are also often a symbol. Unfortunately in our society, there is often a presumption that once one has “grown up” and “become an adult”, they are done learning and growing.
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