ABOVE: Why there are no little Surbers running around Poca, W. Va.
Don Jim Bob Surber, Don Jim Bob Surber’s Blog
Global Cooling To Continue
ABOVE: John J. Miller and Herman Munster at family reunion
Slightly Shorter John J. Miller, F.W.S.™, America’s Shittiest Website™
The Queer Quota
Bear with me, all you teatard mockers. I’m on a roll (of vodka tonics). Consider the Tea Party movement — a collection of mouth-breathing social misfits who increasingly gather in public places. That’s the nail in the horseshoe that touches off the movement’s own downfall. That’s why this whole teabagging clusterfuck is going to collapse upon itself and wind up shooting rainbows and unicorns out of its violently expiring asshole.
Y’see, it’s long been conventional wisdom that tolerance is best achieved by the slow and steady infiltration of diversity amongst the bigoted. If only enough people figured out that they actually knew a gay person or a Muslim person or watched ‘Will and Grace’ or whatever, eventually they’d become more tolerant and less prone to jumping at wingnut dog whistles.
But the truth is, an enormous number of people were never going to figure this out organically, due to the fact that they are naturally misanthropic shut-ins with no capacity for visiting the public square and getting to know their fellow citizens.
It has often been said, for example, that people would become more tolerant of homosexuality when they discovered that their son or daughter was gay.
Nice in theory. But how does that work when a significant portion of your population will never ever never have a son or daughter, not by making that choice, but because their extreme sexual retardation undermines any shot they have at procreation?
Here’s where the Tea Party movement comes in. For the first time in living memory, the social retards are actually emerging from their secret lairs to kibbitz amongst other people in the light of day. True, those other people are people like Glenn Beck, but at least they’re other living, breathing human beings and not distant, pixelated voices reverberating from the Intertubes echo chamber.
My prediction is that the more these Tea Partiers gather and protest, the more they will actually have to confront other meatbags with different views, appearances and agendas. They may all be mostly misanthropic but they’re not completely sociopathic, or at least I hope they’re not.
And if I’m right, we may see something truly ironic and almost beautiful — a conservative movement that finally decided to take to the streets after decades of grumbling obscenities in the privacy of its walled-off enclaves … and by dint of that long-avoided mingling with fellow citizens discovered that it had more in common with the diverse members of its various cohorts than it had ever imagined.
Or we’ll have a Civil War. Make the next one a double.
The entire reason for constructing a straw man argument is to refute it but, sadly, there are some people that can’t even beat their own straw men. To wit, we have Glenn Harlan “Instahick” Reynolds, the Cracker Barrel Chair Professor of Handgun Law at the University of Tennessee School of Law and Wingnut Blogging, being soundly thrashed his own strawman: the alleged hordes of liberal environmental eliminationists, who are secretly planning mass murder and suicide to save the planet, and who must be stopped at all costs. Even from a guy who is planning on implanting his brain in a robot and shooting himself off into outer space to live (and blog) forever, this is pretty stupid stuff.
Reynold’s article starts off promisingly enough with Reynolds saying, presumably by accident, something that is mostly true:
Lee was a nut, an eco-freak who said he was inspired by Al Gore’s environmental scare-documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth.” His badly written “manifesto” underscores his craziness. He hated “filthy human babies.”
Alas, this fit of partial veracity is short-lived and leads straight into an enormous whopper.
But, of course, Lee’s not alone. Looking at the environmental literature, we find terms like those used above — the currently stylish description is “eliminationist rhetoric” — used widely, and plans for mass sterilization are fairly common.
Why just the other day I was on Amazon looking for a nice book on mass sterilization only to find that there were so many I couldn’t make up my mind, so I opted instead for The Girl with the ShihTzu Up Her Butt, or whatever it is that the latest Swedish thriller is called.
Of course, Glenn doesn’t want to lose the endowment that funds the Cracker Barrel Chair that he holds, so he realizes he must provide at least some stab at documenting this wildly preposterous claim of common plans for mass sterilization. Hello, Dr. Gazoogle, can you help Glenn out here?
How common are these views? I typed “Humanity is a” into Google and the top three suggestions were “Humanity is a virus,” “Humanity is a disease,” and “Humanity is a cancer.”
Fuck me, as my grandmother used to say. Look, if you type in “why can’t I” the first thing Google suggests is “own a Canadian.” That doesn’t mean that there is a mass movement to invade Canuckistan and enslave all of its residents. I mean, it might be fun to own a Canadian for a few days but after a few days of the Canadian trashing your kitchen while whipping up plate after plate of poutine, it would get old.
[UPDATE: Part of this joke appears to have been unconsciously purloined from the estimable TBogg. Since I read all of TBogg's posts, I must have read this post of his before using the "own a Canadian" business. Naturally, anything I steal from TBogg would wind up being the funniest thing in my entire post.]
Realizing that this argument is perhaps — dare I say it? — retarded, Glenn latches onto another one, which of course gives us our obligatory Sadly, No! Moment™
And, as Mark Hemingway pointed out in these pages a few days ago, one need only look to the writings of President Obama’s “science czar,” John Holdren to find something similar. Seeing humanity as destructive, Holdren wrote in favor of forced abortion and putting sterilizing agents in the drinking water, and in particular of sterilizing people who cause “social deterioration.”
Sadly, No! The passages the Perfesser alludes to were selectively mined from a survey of population control methods that had been used in the past, with Holdren and his two co-authors concluding that they supported only “non-coercive” methods. So much for forced abortions. Although if anyone is interested in a gay abortion, we have a special Sadly, No deal that we can offer to our readers.
This doesn’t mean that I haven’t contemplated forced sterilization of some elements of the wingnut-o-sphere. While writing this post,for example, I had intrusive thoughts of an accidental encounter between the Perfesser’s testicles and a weed-whacker. But I also have thoughts of having sex with Ryan Kwanten and that’s not going to happen either.
ABOVE: Sher Zieve relaxes at home
You’ll be delighted to know that even though it’s Labor Day, the folks over at Renew America are laboring away and that Sher Zieve, a lovely lady near and dear to what passes for our hearts, is laboring away at having a nervous breakdown. No, seriously.
On having one’s name deleted from the internet by Obama & co
I suppose that’s better than being murdered in a park by Hitlery KKKlinton & Co, unless you were, like, a character in a William Gibson novel or something and you actually existed only as an arrangement of electrons coursing through cyberspace. In Sher’s defense, she may actually believe she is such a thing, although I think it more likely that she believes that she is the reincarnation of a the Second Duchess of York’s favorite Pomeranian.
These days, it isn’t difficult to ascertain when you are on the Obama Enemies List. Leftist bloggers will increase and become even more inarticulate (if that’s even possible) in their attacks on you when you begin disseminating too much truth, when your columns hit too close to home for a general comfort.
You know that last sentence is why we love Sher so much — she accuses Leftist bloggers of being inarticulate in sentence that, I think, would only make sense if translated back into the original Croatian.
Okay, now let me get back to the email I got from the White House this morning telling me what I’m supposed to write about Sher in this post. Oh, yes, here we are:
Yikes! One way to deal with the [sic] is to “eliminate” the voices of those who oppose the tyrant. Sadly, such is my case.
Sadly, no! (Sorry, but I had to say that.)
And such strongly seems to be the case of the techniques now utilized by the two major Internet search engines — Google and Yahoo. It appears that when they are told by The Obama to delete an opposer’s name from their files, … my name has now almost been completely deleted from Google and Yahoo is following close behind the leftist leader. Are plans to eradicate other truth-tellers on the way?
Does anyone else think that Pastor Swank is ghost-writing Sher’s columns?
For regular readers, this additional sabotage will come as no surprise. This has been occurring steadily over the past 2-3 years. I have gone from over 1.5 Million entries on each search site to — now — under 8,000 entries on Google and about 22K on Yahoo.
You’d think that the Obamatyrant would just completely excise her from the Internet unless, I suppose, this is the Internet equivalent of “death by a thousand cuts” wherein each day, as Sher googles herself, she suffers the indignity of seeing her search engine entries drop until finally. . .
The reason why Megan McArdle gets paid to blog at The Atlantic and I do not is that I am intellectually incapable of devising brilliant arguments like this:
For example, like a lot of evolutionary biology critiques, this one leans heavily on bonobos (at least so far). Here’s the thing: humans aren’t like bonobos. And do you know how I know that we are not like bonobos? Because we’re not like bonobos.
I was, at least until now, totally unaware that an accepted argument to prove a thesis is to repeat the thesis word-for-word in italics.
Megan is blogging about bonobos themselves, rather than her usual bonobo version of economic libertarianism, because she is reviewing a book — which she admits she hasn’t even finished — on sexual anthropology. The book, Sex at Dawn, has completely scandalized her, both because of all the wild monkey sex it describes and for its suggestion that humans might not be naturally monogamous.
The authors of the book, in a post deliciously titled “Megan McArdle Really Hates Sex at Dawn,” completely and hilariously destroy the last few desiccated scraps of McArdle’s credibility
[h/t M. Bouffant]
Our widdle wingnut is all growed up! It is with some pride that we have observed the recent rise of Pamela Geller to respectable, mainstream status — after all, Sadly, No! has been covering the erstwhile Pam Atlas since at least early 2006 (and our commenters were clued in to her even earlier).
Why, it seems like just yesterday that Pam was palling around with Neo-Nazis at seedy gatherings on the ass-end of the European political fringe1, fighting an eliminationist civil war over the dwindling crumbs of post-Katrina stupid, and revealing to a skeptical world that Barack Obama just may be — just might be — Malcolm X’s love child.
Now, thanks to newly resurgent anti-Muslim rage amongst the teatards — and its usefulness to GOP electoral chances in November — Geller finds herself the talk of the town, a sought-after commentator on the national stage as desperate media outlets seek to uncover the mystery as to why bigoted bigots are acting really bigoted out of bigotry.
Until recently, only a handful of bloggers and their readers were privy to Pam’s daily deluge of cap-locked misinformation and shrieking xenophobia. But today, like a shooting star flashing across the night sky (if said comet took several years2 of flirtini-addled, spit-flecked stumbling to careen tits-first through our field of vision), she speaks to a much wider audience. Indeed, an entire nation can now read stuff like this:
‘The purpose of these talks is clear. These will be direct negotiations between Israelis and Palestinians. These negotiations are intended to resolve all final status issues. The goal is a settlement, negotiated between the parties, that ends the occupation which began in 1967 and results in the emergence of an independent, democratic and viable Palestinian state, living side by side in peace and security with a Jewish state of Israel and its other neighbors. That’s the vision we are pursuing.’ Presdeint Obama, September 1, 2010
Spoken like a true antisemite. ‘Illegal’ occupation?
Well, no, ‘illegal’ was not a term used by Presdeint Obama in the supplied quote, though in fairness we don’t know what his doppelganger, President Obama may have said. It’s also worth noting that the ‘true anti-semites’ on the Israeli Supreme Court have ruled that the West Bank is ‘occupied’, but perhaps that’s a detail best puzzled over another day.
Or maybe you’d be interested to learn that Anti-Defamation League director Abe Foxman is actually a jihad-loving toady of Islamic supremacists? ‘Mighty classy, dhimmi,’ as Pam so politely punctuates the point.
In a victory for our national dialogue, more and more people can learn these things, thanks to Pam’s ascent to superstar status. And these days, she’s even got her own pet nebbish3!
Here’s to you, Pammy. You’ve come a Long Island way, baby!
Pam on George Soros a couple of months earlier: ‘Soros has sinister ties to anti-semites and Nazis.’
2Decades even — holy shit!
3Fixed, thanks N_B!
(Extremely) Shorter Dafydd ab Hugh, BigLizards.net
Through a Lens Darkly
ABOVE: Caleb Howe (right), Caleb’s Best Friend (left)
Caleb “The Drunk Tweeter”1 Howe, Irky Irksome’s Halfway House for Lonely White Guys with Drinking Problems
The Rhetoric of Violence
1 For those of you who miss the “Drunk Tweeter” reference, Caleb Howe made fun of Roger Ebert’s terminal thyroid cancer and then blamed his having done so on drinking too much vodka when he was tweeting.
2 For the record, I think both ThinkProgress and Caleb Howe are wrong. The gunman singled out the Discovery Network program Jon & Kate Plus 8 as the main source of his anger. Although, of course, I vigorously and unequivocally condemn the gunman’s method of expressing his disapproval, it is still, nevertheless, hard to disagree with his critical assessment of that show. The immediate fallout from the incident has been that security has been stepped up at the Culver City set where Cougar Town is taped. Bravo is also reportedly on lockdown in anticipation of similar critical outbursts against Project Runway and Real Housewives of [insert city].
Poor Debbie Schlussel. In classic ‘Two Stars, One Slot’ fashion, Pamela Geller has won the ‘Battle of the Shrieking Anti-Muslim Grating-Voiced Paranoid Jewisher-Than-Thou Prowling Cougar Drama Queens’ — leaving Debs in the dust and hurting for audience share amongst the in-with-a-chance mouth-breathing career hatist demographic.
So what’s an aging peroxide blonde Dhimmi basher to do? Why, take out her rage on proxy Pams, of course! Pointing to a video of tween Jonas Brothers fans, Debbie sneers:
When I was a teen, none of the girls I knew (including myself) were this crazy and unhinged, especially over something sooooo stupid.
Clearly, such weepy adolescent reactions to pop stars has never occurred before. Oh, wait:
Not to mention:
Pam Geller issues a stern warning to attendees of her next big she-man-Muslim-hating club gathering:
We will be confiscating signs. It is a solemn day. No signs. FLAGS. Tens of thousands of flags.
ABOVE: Anita the Crane and Anita the Ostrich
Anita Crane, Wingnut Daily
Glenn Beck crowd: Not so white as advertised
Tim Graham, who is Brent Bozell’s butt boy and assistant searcher of “fuck” at Dirtywordburster.org, did not like my post on “Fuck You” one bit, so he took a few moments from stuffing his cheeks to send me this tweet defending the honor of his wingnut welfare sugar daddy Brent Bozell:
I mean, what’s up with that, other than being a lame attempt at a homophobic swipe? For the record, Tintin doesn’t wear capri pants. He wears plus fours. But if Tintin did wear capri pants he’d still be butcher in them than Tim Graham in his butchest outfit, which probably consists of — (horrifying image alert) — size forty-six jeans and a pizza-stained wife-beater. And if Tim Graham were a real man and if he had any balls, he’d simply call me a “cocksucking faggot” and dispense with the little school-girl jibe about capri pants.
The real howler in Timmy’s little whiny-ass, titty-baby Tweet is that Bozell was just “asking for a little decency.” Ha! The fucknozzles at Fuckbusters wouldn’t know decency if it walked up to them and whacked them upside the head with a two-by-four. Decency isn’t about who says “fuck” and who doesn’t say “fuck.” No, it’s about unemployment benefits, health care, adequate nutrition for poor kids, equal rigts for all (including the right for us cocksucking faggots to get married), and all the other things that twist up Brent’s and Tim’s titties each time they see a newspaper article that treats any of these things favorably.
So, to paraphrase what I said in my last post: “Fuck You, Tim, and the sugar daddy douchebag you rode in on.”
Naughty word count: fuck(8), butt(2), cocksucking(3), titty(3), ass(2), douchebag(2).
Gay-bashing born-again glam rock Broadway poofters are a dime a dozen, but Bradlee Dean may just be something special. After all, how many GBBAGRBP’s can say they’re the guiding force behind such a rolls-off-the-tongue Christian ‘hard rock ministry’ as YCRBYCHI?
And how many have been forced to walk back their public praise of African nations that execute homosexuals? Your garden variety GBBAGRBP probably doesn’t even have the stones to side with any African on anything in the first place.
Fortunately for us, Bradlee has a blog that he sporadically updates. There’s nothing terribly exciting about his most recent updates beyond the de rigueur quoting of scripture to punctuate a point, but this post from several months ago deserves another look:
Atheist vs. Godly
Bradlee Dean’s Blog : May 29 2010
Max Jukes, an atheist, lived a godless life. He married an ungodly girl, and from their union there were 310 who died as paupers, 150 criminals, 7 murderers, 100 drunkards, and more than half of the women were prostitutes! His 567 descendants cost the state one and a quarter million dollars (please keep in mind that this was a LOT of money in the 1700’s).
But, praise God, it works both ways! There was also a great American man of God named Jonathan Edwards. He lived at the same times as Max Jukes, but he married a godly girl. An investigation was made of 1,394 known descendants of Jonathan Edwards of which 13 became college presidents, 65 college professors, 3 United States senators, 30 judges, 100 lawyers, 60 physicians, 75 army and navy officers, 100 preachers and missionaries, 60 authors of prominence, one vice president of the United States, 80 became public officials in various capacities, and 295 college graduates, among whom were governors of states and ministers to foreign countries. Jonathan Edwards’ descendants did not cost the state a single penny.
Told you Bradlee was special — it takes a rare mind to conclude that several hundred government salaries and pensions ‘did not cost the state a single penny’. (And that’s assuming that none of the dozens of college presidents and professors toiled at any public institutions.)
Of course, Bradlee isn’t so much concluding here as cutting-and-pasting a thoroughly debunked bit of 19th-century eugenicist claptrap.
So maybe he’s not so special after all.
Glenn Beck’s ‘Restoring Honor’ schtick is reminiscent of the last time wingnuts danced to this particular beat — when another Democrat was in the White House supposedly staining the majesty of the office by getting his schlong waxed by the world’s most famous intern.
Interesting, because back then, the movement to ‘restore honor’ to the presidency and the country itself wasn’t nearly so cryptic. Clinton was actually getting blowjobs in the Oval Office after all — you may feel the outrage over that was ginned up and ultimately a massive distraction, but it was in fact happening.
In contrast, what has Barack Obama done that requires America’s honor to be restored? No one has thus far shown that he’s broken his vows with Michelle or otherwise been up to anything we might loosely find inappropriate during his presidency.
It’s a good question, because one might be forced to conclude that for rightwingers, an idle black cock kept faithfully in its owner’s pants is equivalent (or even worse) in its perfidy to a throbbing white one physically poking its way into all manner of extra-marital receptacles.
It’s all about the nature of the threat, you see. A white guy literally shoving his package down people’s throats is bad enough — what’s really scary is a black guy doing it metaphorically.
I caught Glenn Beck on the tube today — not the Million Moron March thing, but a Fox show in front of a studio audience in which Beck and some other crackpot tried to wrestle out how George Washington could have possibly been a Freemason (long story short, they concluded that Washington was a Mason before Masons became the embodiment of evil, so he was still pure of heart, and then Beck joked about how the Illuminati was going to kill them for saying that, only he wasn’t really joking).
In other words, a real history lesson.
Then Beck took questions from the audience, and one young woman pointed out that America’s founders risked their lives for liberty and she wondered if Beck knew any modern-day politicians who had done or would do the same.
Beck’s answer: Michelle Bachmann. I shit you not. He could have said Max Cleland or John Kerry — hell, he could have just mentioned John McCain if he wanted to stick to one side of the aisle. And you could tell even he knew his answer was really, really bad even as he was explaining his reasoning (Bachmann’s super brave because she says her stupid shit even though there’s a slim chance that some lefty out there is plotting to to teepee her house or something).
It’s like Roy’s commenter Kia Penso wisely said: ‘It’s not even that what he peddles is shit to sane people, it’s shit to his people too. But Beck’s audience can’t even recognize that, they think shit is what they are supposed to get…’
Here at Sadly, No! we’ve long documented1 Brent Bozell’s crusade against “jungle” music over at the whiter-than-white Newsblusterer’s website. (Try to find a black blogger there, okay?). Equally, Bozell (and his fellow Newsblusterers) are obsessed with appearances of naughty words like shit, bullshit, douche, and fuck2, and even some words like “$#*!” that aren’t even naughty but which might make some people think of an actual naughty word. (One wonders whether fudge can ever be on the menu over at the Bozell household. And does the euphemism “white meat” solve the “breast” problem? I mean who can hear “white meat” without thinking “breast” or “nipples” or, best of all, “titties”? And let’s not even get started on “coq au vin.”)
So you can just imagine how a perpetual scold like Bozell got his own titties in a twist when he learned that a Negro “soul singer” had written a song titled “Fuck You.”
The soul singer Cee-Lo Green has a new album coming out. How’s this for art: His first desperate single is titled “F—- You.”
I don’t think a song with 3 million hits on YouTube is “desperate.” I’ll tell you what’s desperate, Brent. Desperate is a desiccated old prude whose only job apparently is to sniff out naughty words and blog about how awful they are. Here’s a new project for you, Brent: Canterbury Tales. We can talk about how desperate Chaucer was. And you can add “fart” to your repertoire of words to blog about.
The entire song is obscene. It’s stuffed with 16 uses of the F-bomb in under four minutes, erupting on average once every 14 seconds. It also has 10 uses of the S-word, and even two uses of “nigga.”
You really have to admire Bozell imperiling his immortal soul by poring over the lyrics of the song to count how often “fuck” and “shit” appear. (The concern-trolling by Bozell over “nigga” is also a nice touch). To save Brent the trouble, here is the naughty word count for this post: fuck (8), shit (5), titties (2), bullshit (2), $#*! (2), a@@ (2), douche (2), fudge (2), breast (2), nipples (2), tender muffins (2), fart (2), Astroglide (2).
The fact that the song is catchy and bright only heightens the offense.
Apparently the catchy “fuck you” chorus drilled itself into Bozell’s brain and for the rest of the day he kept hearing it over and over. Teehee. Probably even humming “fuck you” every now and then. Then taking more of the meds that had been prescribed for him to deal with intrusive thoughts. That’s reason enough to download the song.
But, as usual, the Wanna Be Hip critics love it, even with that manure attached. The Wall Street Journal cooed it “may be the best rock and pop single of the year.”
You just imagine how the praise from Rupert Murdoch’s right-wing paper must have toasted Bozell’s tender muffins.
Team Cee-Lo claims they’re going to prepare a radio edit called “Forget You” to avoid alienating too many station managers. How thoughtful. But that only raises the obvious question: Why not call it “Forget You” from the very beginning?
Uh, Brent, maybe because “fuck you” is funnier? Speaking of which, fuck you, Brent. Really. Without Astroglide. Or a reach around.
Shorter Peter Wehner, Neo-contentious
On Ken Mehlman
Shorter Assrocket, Power Line
Who’s Stupid?
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