Apr
28
Posted at 22:40 by Gavin M.
ABOVE: La bruja loca no quiere el Snotcho.
Honk, snort, moo! It’s Malkin, and guess what? She’s upset about something today.
Michelle Malkin:
Heckuva job, Louie and Barry!
[...]
Using military resources for a cheap photo-op. Scaring the pants off the public. Exploiting 9/11 imagery for self-aggrandizement. Keeping secrets and causing mass panic.
Um, can you imagine if a GOP administration did this?
Trying, ungh…
Can you imagine?!
I know! We’ll use our imagi-na-tion.
Permalink
Apr
28
Posted at 20:26 by Brad
I’m getting tempted to register as a Republican simply because I feel sorry for them.
Also, we do need two functioning parties in this country in order for our democracy to remain somewhat successful, and I’d like to help move the GOP at least marginally more toward the center so the next time they’re elected they don’t start performing resurrection rituals on Terri Schiavo.
Basically, what I’m saying is this country would be vastly better off if both major political parties ignored the GOP base. Who’s with me?
Permalink
Apr
28
Posted at 18:54 by Gavin M.
Ding-dong. Hello? There’s nobody here, but what’s this thumbtacked to the tree?
John Hinderaker, Powerline:
Decade of Greed
The Congressional Republicans have produced some good charts that show what has happened to the country’s fiscal health since the Democrats took control of Congress and, worse yet, what they themselves project over the coming years. This one charges the Democrats with irresponsibility:
Fair enough. But why is it that the public sector is never charged with greed? What we see in this chart is, in fact, the insatiable hunger for money and power that characterizes Washington Democrats.1 Now that they are in control of both the legislative and executive branches, the Democrats’ greed is unchecked. You can see the result.
Well, they say a picture is worth a thousand words. How is it that we never before realized the rapacity of these liberal plundocrats? See if we trust them again, because there is one word for this, and that is ‘tax and spend.’ Good day.
Ding-dong. Hello? What’s this thumbtacked to the tree?
We, you know, await with ongoing good cheer the correction that Hinderaker will never make. For if done in good faith, one such correction would force another, thus forcing another, causing in short order a mea-culpalanche, a rending of garments and a growing and subsequent tearing of beards that could only end with Powerline erased in its totality from the Internet and its server dropped into one of those lakes they have ten thousand of, apparently, out there in Minnesota.
It could be replaced, as we often imagine, with a large, primary-colored message in MS Comic Sans saying ME GO BAFWOOM, over a stick-figure drawing of Hindy with his hair standing up in penciled spicules, making the sine-mouthed expression of the physically confounded. Or else the following:
WELCOME TO OWERLINE
Notice there is no “P” in it!
Please keep it that way!
-The M’g'm’t't
Or we’ll think of something else; you know how it OMG ARLEN SPECTER TEH WHAT, NOW?
[picks up remote and turns on the Internet]
Tintin adds: There’s some additional tomfoolery with this graph. The data points have been moved to fit on the line, rather than the line being drawn to fit the data points. If you graph the line with equal units for each axis, well, surprise, surprise, the slope when the nice Republicans were in charge gets steeper. And the slope for when the evil Democrats will be wrecking the economy decreases rather than increases over time.
Permalink
Apr
28
Posted at 14:51 by Tintin
Just when you thought Big Hollywood couldn’t be any more preposterous, along comes Chris Muir with one of his comics which, as always, needed to be fixed:
Permalink
Apr
28
Posted at 9:16 by Gavin M.
Moe Lane, RedState:
Schumer video bragging about cutting pandemic fund surfaces.
- Not only did Chuck Schumer cut flu finding by saying approvingly that flu finding was cut, but it was cut in a pathetic attempt to appease us — which failed because we tricked him! Eat blame, loser. Malkin has more.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Michelle Malkin:
Schumer opposed flu pandemic funding in stimulus, too, you morons
- The unhinged liberals are attacking Republicans for cutting flu funding! Schumer! Him! Him! Blame! He! Schumer! Him! Simultaneously, he loves pork. Loves pork! Snarl! Aroo! I drag feces through his flesh with my teeth! Shriek! Squeal!
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Allahpundit, HotAir:
Left: Republicans love swine flu or something
- Boss Malkin is like whatever, and I’m like, fine, slow news day, but I thought Republicans were supposed to take threats too seriously, because now we’re supposedly in trouble for what, cutting spending? I guess that’s where bipartisanship gets us, huh? SUCK IT, COLLINS! BLAR HAR HAR!
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Michelle Malkin:
Of course: Swine flu is all the evil GOP’s fault!
- Howl! Gurgle! Partisan Democrats are unhingedly attacking us, when all we did was beat [clang] to death with a fireplace [clang] poker, like YOU with the [clang] to CRACK YOUR [clang] HEAD AND STOMP [clang] EYEBALLS [clang, stomp-stomp crash] KILL DOG [yipe! yipe! clang!] BURN WITH GASOLINE [foosh! yipe! yipe!] EVERYTHING BURNING, BURNING, YODEL-AY-HEE-HOO!1
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Don Surber, Charlotte (WV) Daily Mail:
Why they blame Republicans for the swine flu
- Looks like Obama’s got egg on his face! He’s desperate to blame us for cutting flu funding while we’ve been fooling him by tanking his health nominees. Guess he should’ve done something besides let us thwart him, huh? Welcome MichelleMalkin.com readers!
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
1 This is not a faithful Shorter, but we’re curious as to how funny it would be if every Malkin appearance had her screaming nonsense, breaking things, and attacking people. It seems like the kind of thing that would be funny once or twice, then not funny the next three or four times, but then funny again for infinity times.
Also, while Collins and Schumer have been shuttlecocked back and forth as symbols of Republican and Democratic perfidy, neither seems to have done anything especially blameworthy, or to be very important to the swine-flu story as it’s developing. That said, it seems likely that the fault for whatever happens will somehow rest with conservatives, and will reflect shame upon conservatism as an ideology. Because why would things stop doing that all of a sudden?
Permalink
Apr
28
Posted at 5:49 by Gavin M.
Victor Davis Hanson, NRO:
Damnation of Memory: Persecuting his predecessors, Obama would establish a poisonous precedent.
- When a party enters power and attempts to investigate…excuse me, let me put these goalposts over here, thank you.
- Um, when a party won’t even play fair by conducting its baseless investigations while its adversaries are in power, then how can they expect…excuse me, one moment, let me slide them over this way, sorry, thanks.
- So. Did these people try to prosecute their rivals after their rivals did not break laws? No? Well in that case, how would you like it if we prosecuted Obama for killing two Somali pirates without reading them their Miranda rights? Because it…oh, hang on.
- It was, ooh, bad enough with the infamous political lynching of Scooter Libby in the absence of any crime, but America does not erase purged officials from its photographs like Stalin did, because that’s how the U.N. will get you! Yes! They will smell blood like sharks, and…
- Alas! Alas, society will be weakened by our endless cycle of revenge against you. Heh-heh. Because we have no principles — I mean because you don’t, so why should we have any? Because you made us not have any, like how all of you supported the war in Iraq until the insurgency began, and then you made up some crazy lie about “ooh, it was all Bush’s idea,” and how there were no quote-unquote “WMDs,” because…aw crap, wait.
- Because in 2003, Bush had saved America from terror. Yes. And then you partisan streetfighters were feeling pretty good, huh? Because I guess then you felt pretty big, huh? Because then you started to attack your deliverer for quote-unquote “wiretaps” and so-called “torture” ooh, ooh, rrr! That’s what you thought you’d do. Snorgle-horgle-haggle-hoob…ah, excuse me, I’ll be back in one second, thanks.
- Hi, thanks, and that’s…and that’s why you’ll be all “ho-hum” when the terrorists come back and attack and kill, unless, no wait.
- You’ll hate Obama then, when the terrorists come back. Oh boy will you hate Obama. And you’ll want to prosecute him then, ha ha! That’s what you’ll want to do. Prosecute Obama! Opposite!
- Not so sure of yourselves now, huh? It’s like I’ve been saying all along, isn’t it? Huh? Isn’t it? Oh, I feel the frost of winter. [smiles thinly, sweeps cloak about himself in a grandiose flourish, exits as though on treads to a single note on a kettle drum]
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Apr
27
Posted at 18:06 by Gavin M.
Above: “Thith liberal here ith up to thomething.”
Action Alert from the Sarah Palin List:
“Rahm Emanuel & Co. seizing an opportunity with the supposed swine flu crisis?”
- I have been inundated with emails: Are Obama and Rahm Emanuel engineering a swine-flu “crisis” to save the Sebelius nomination? I have to wonder. Call your Senators NOW.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Apr
27
Posted at 9:53 by Gavin M.
ABOVE: The baseball cap is not the only thing
bass-ackwards about Rob Port
…And so we return to the other side of the right’s ingenious and growingly hysterical arguments in favor of governmental torture. For as conservatives defend the President’s authority to violate the Constitution at will, they spend much of the rest of the time in a euphoria of persecution, growingly hysterical over the other President and his ability to do things without even asking anybody, through the expedient of winning a single election. It doesn’t help matters that he is creating a fascist police state of communist Hitler outrage, and plotting to put them all in prison camps.
How do they resolve this seeming contradiction? Oh, you know.
Rob Port, Say Anything:
Obama Wants To Remove Your Right To A Lawyer During Police Interrogations
In 1986, with the Michigan vs. Jackson decision, the Supreme Court ruled that the police cannot interrogate you without your lawyer present unless you give them your consent. Obama wants to change that.
Hey, it’s the Torygraph, heh-heh, I mean Telegraph. Also on tap there this week: why Britain must return to Thatcherism, a report on the disastrous Obama presidency, something on the global-warming hoax, a defense of free markets, a demand for lower taxes on the wealthy… They seem to have a certain thing going. Their man Conrad Black left under a bit of a cloud.
The Michigan vs Jackson ruling in 1986 established that, if a defendants have a lawyer or have asked for one to be present, police may not interview them until the lawyer is present.
Any such questioning cannot be used in court even if the suspect agrees to waive his right to a lawyer because he would have made that decision without legal counsel, said the Supreme Court.
However, in a current case that seeks to change the law, the US Justice Department argues that the existing rule is unnecessary and outdated.
Can you sense something great coming? I’m totally sensing something amazing on the way.
The sixth amendment of the US constitution protects the right of criminal suspects to be “represented by counsel”, but the Obama regime argues that this merely means to “protect the adversary process” in a criminal trial.
Ooh, ‘regime.’ Here it comes.
The Justice Department, in a brief signed by Elena Kagan, the solicitor general, said the 1986 decision “serves no real purpose” and offers only “meagre benefits”.
Here comes the payoff…
First, imagine if a Republican administration were doing this. Then imagine what the media’s reaction would be.
:o
Don’t expect that same reaction for Obama. Because he’s a liberal, he’s held to a different standard.
As though to vouch for the fact that we haven’t just drunk too much root beer and gotten all fizzy, here comes Cap’n Ed:
Obama to end representation in interrogations?
[...]
Can you imagine what the outcry over this would have been had President John McCain, or for that matter President George W. Bush, had tried this? Newspapers around the nation would have decried his assault on civil liberties. PFAW and the ACLU would have staged rallies in every American city, and they would have called Bush, McCain, or any other Republican a fascist for denying legal counsel to people under police questioning. We’d have an endless line of appearances on television news programs from people who got coerced into false confessions after having been denied counsel.
:@
O wau. Zom-guh. Witf!?
You know, it’s not enough for a conservative merely to be stupid and angry, because if that alone were satisfying to them, they could stand in the bathroom yelling “DER!” all day barely bothering anybody. No, we suspect that Ed must also be trying to misrepresent this story in order to help others be stupid and angry — to cause a stupelanche, a failcano.
Read the rest of this entry »
Permalink
Apr
26
Posted at 19:32 by Tintin
Shorter John Hinderaker, Powerlieblog1
What’s Next? Beavis and Butthead?
- Even though I have never seen one single episode of The Simpsons, the Post Office’s issuance of stamps depicting the characters on that show is final and conclusive proof that Barack Obama is flushing this country down the toilet. We should have more George Washington and Ronald Reagan stamps. Not Simpson stamps, even if that show is on Fox. Only socialists and Europeans would issue stamps that commemorate a cartoon show. What next? Beavis and Butthead? South Park?? The Fucking Flintstones??? Mickey Fucking Mouse????!! DONALD MOTHERFUCKING DUCK??????!!!! … And maybe, just once, someone will call me “Sir” without adding “You’re making a scene.”
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
1As Gavin is tampering with the sacrosanct format of the Sadly, No! shorter, there is now no reason that a shorter can’t be longer than the post that it is shortening.
Permalink
Apr
26
Posted at 11:15 by Gavin M.
Marc Thiessen, The Corner:1
The West Coast Plot: An “Inconvenient Truth”
- Ridiculous are my critics and proven are my claims, for the CIA officially says2 that a plot to fly an airliner into L.A.’s Library Tower3 was foiled through the waterboarding of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.4 Boo-yah!5
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Notes:
1 Thiessen, formerly chief speechwriter for George W. Bush, is temporarily notorious for this Washington Post op-ed, and is lately engaged in a battle of wits with Slate’s Timothy Noah. Andrew Sullivan stands with Noah, while Crazy Andy McCarthy is ook-ooking on Thiessen’s side, explaining how Saddam Hussein was in league with Al Qaeda, and occasioning relief by not dragging Obama’s birth certificate into it.
2 A 2005 memo from the Justice Department’s Office of Legal Counsel to the chief CIA counsel says that the CIA had told them this. (The .PDF is the second from the top.)
3 According to the Bush administration, this alleged plot was foiled in 2002.
4 Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was captured in Rawalpindi, Pakistan on March 1, 2003.
5 Thiessen explains how this is possible:
- George Bush said so in speeches, specifically “the most carefully vetted speech in presidential history,” i.e. the most carefully parsed speech probably in the Bush presidency, which Thiessen was presumably in on. Appointees signed off on this speech with CYA memos, specifically Honest John Negroponte, whose legal exposure in the matter of interrogations is palpable. Therefore, no matter what the intelligence community says now, their real opinion is faithfully reproduced in this world-historical Bush speech, no backs, infinity.
- A timeline of incidents from the same speech, mostly dubious, agrees with what Bush said in that speech.
- An interested party and possible subject of investigation, former CIA director Michael Hayden, cites the same speech on an April 19 FOX News interview, and adds some sourceless claims that can’t be checked.
- Thiessen makes a few more unverifiable claims (i.e. “according to the intelligence community”), adding, “These are just a few of the plots that were broken up because of information gained from CIA interrogations.” That means Thiessen knows about others but isn’t telling!
Our recommendation, of course, is waterboarding. Also, we could ask Thiessen if that practice yields reliable information, and keep doing it until he says no.
We await Mr. Noah’s rebuttal with mustard and relish.
Permalink
Apr
25
Posted at 19:54 by Tintin
Enlarged Colon (front) and Alicia Colon (rear)
Shorter Alicia Colon, The American “Thinker”
Manufacturing Consent for the Gay Agenda
- Now that even Harvey “Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay” Milk has a school named after him and everywhere you look on the teevee you see gays and more gays and even more gays, it’s time that we stop focusing on the bad things that straight people do to the gays and start focusing on all the bad things that the gays do to ordinary straight people such as myself. Like those three gays in D.C. who killed a straight guy.1 My nephew is gay, and he agrees with me completely.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
1 Displaying her typical journalistic incompetence, Alicia gets the name of the website on the DC murder completely wrong. Sometimes incompetence is a gift in disguise.
Permalink
Apr
25
Posted at 9:34 by Gavin M.
Chicago Ray, why can’t we quit you!
ABOVE: Lives in furnished parking lot
Flight 93 4/24/09
Welcome to the Flight 93 Memorial Blogroll and Burst, which is designed to bring more well deserved attention to the ridiculous Muslim Honoring Memorial being now being planned and soon to be constructed in Shanksville PA. A memorial that is supposed to honor the innocent victims that were mercilessly murdered that day in the name of Islam, not the murderers themselves.
What I really want to do is just mirror his entire site here. With the sole comment being a picture of a guy going like this:
:o
That is what the PC, cuddle the Muslims crowd is trying to sell us down in Shanksville, and guess what, we’re not buying it, not today, not ever..
Funny me, but I thought the victims that day were 3000 plus loved and terribly missed Americans, not 19 filthy radical terrorists who are all thankfully rotting in hell today along with their Messiah Allah and everyone else that ever killed and maimed in his despicable name.
The theology is more interesting than I’d like to admit. Could God take the Islamic version of himself and throw him into Hell? And if so, what if the Catholic version tried to pitch the Baptist one in there? This seems like a kind of thing that could get messy really easily.
Also, I was worried that I’d oversold Chicago Ray, but no, he really does seem to be a Swank-grade discovery. You know where he’s going with this, right?
Read the rest of this entry »
Permalink
Apr
25
Posted at 5:40 by Gavin M.
Crazy Andy McCarthy, The Corner:
Re: Sidestepping the Issue
- Oh, but Ramesh, lawbreaking isn’t necessarily against the law at all, because what if there’s a crime and the law keeps you from finding out whether there is one or not?
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Notes:
1- Cf. Ramesh Ponnuru.
2- This might be the stupidest argument in the entire history of stoops, id, aargh!, you, and mint.
Permalink
Apr
25
Posted at 3:57 by Gavin M.
“Special” Ed Morrissey, HotAir:
Video: Frank in 2005 — Bubble? What bubble?
- Outrage: Barney Frank used to say what we were saying. Irony: Now he’s saying what we say!
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Note:
Maybe this is like a black fly in Ed’s Chardonnay, but while a realistic assessment of Frank’s role in the financial crisis (i.e., one of the kind that the perpetual-wrongness machines on the right keep trying to chatter away with new wrongnesses) must include the fact that Frank was an enabler of the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac collapse as well as a minor one of the larger housing bubble, it must also put that fact in context with the Republican effort to regulate the Democratic strongholds of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac while deregulating everything else.
This goes against the wingnut consensus, which seems to be shaking out into a vague but firm conviction that the Bush years were actually a time of increased regulation, as measured by the 1,000 pages per year that were added to the Federal Register, never mind what’s on them or where they’re from. This hobbling of small business and also big business was exacerbated by Democratic malefactors and their affirmative-action housing loans to black people via Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac — if not outright treasonous sabotage. And there you go! The notion that Obama created a fake crisis in order to impose socialist rule on the US is a minority one, but stands ready in case the current story somehow unravels.
Which is what happened to the last one — right, Ed?
Permalink
Apr
24
Posted at 23:07 by Gavin M.
Ramesh Ponnuru, The Corner:
Sidestepping the Issue
- We are arguing against prosecutions without considering that torture is against the law, and the legal presumption is therefore strongly in favor of investigations. So okay, what if we’re like, “It is outlandish to say that torture is against the law”?
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Apr
24
Posted at 20:48 by Gavin M.
John Hinderacker, Butt Propulsion Laboratories:
Voters Unimpressed By Dems’ “Torture” Theme
- Notably accurate are Rasmussen surveys, for they correct for the liberal bias among polling respondents.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Notes:
1- After witnessing Hinderaker and others wave away the great consensus of polls before the election, choosing Rasmussen for results they liked better and riding that outlying firm straight down to bitter, eleventh-hour mortification — with us being all we told you so, and laughing in their faces, and so forth — we had hoped that they would learn.
And then we hoped that this would embarrass them more.
But the problem of embarrassment has been a statistical one. ‘More’ of the quantity -∞, or negative infinity, is not necessarily > 0.
2- Title cf. George Chapman, The Gentleman Usher (1605), a ‘gentleman usher’ being a servant such as cough-cough ahem.
Permalink
Apr
24
Posted at 18:53 by Tintin
ABOVE: Mark Hemingway
You knew that after the torture memos came out approving waterboarding, sooner or later some right-wing apologist would explain that Japanese waterboarding of U.S. troops is completely different from our own benign, indeed compassionate, waterboarding. The only question is who would be first and who would be worst.
Ding ding ding ding ding, we have a big winner!!!
Give it up, boys and girls, for Mark Hemingway whose expertise on waterboarding has been garnered from, apparently, years and years of pouring chocolate shakes down his own nose while splayed out on a couch.
Mark got all hopped up and sweaty while watching an exchange between Paul Begala and Ari Fleischer on CNN. Begala had asked Fleischer, who was arguing that waterboarding wasn’t torture, to explain then the U.S. war crimes prosecutions of Japanese soldiers for waterboarding their POWs. Fleischer sat staring at the camera, unable to say a word, for a long period that was as uncomfortable for him as it was delicious for many others.
Never fear, little Ari, here comes Mighty Mark to save the day:
There’s just one problem. What Begala said isn’t true. Begala appears to be referencing Yukio Asano, a Japanese soldier convicted of war crimes.
And Chinsaku Yuki, Seitaro Hata, Takeo Kita, Hideji Nakamura, Genji Mineno, Shigeru Sawada, Yagoheiji Iwata and others, all of whom were convicted by U.S. war crimes tribunals for waterboarding prisoners during World War II. But, hey, what are a few extra Japanese war criminals among friends? And it’s not like it takes some super braniac months to root this information out from dusty archives in the basement of some military base. No, the great Gazoogle will happily provide this information to anyone who can use a computer, which must mean that Mark came down with an advanced case of leprosy and his fingers fell off.
[Asano's] 15-year sentence was for a host of crimes besides waterboarding. Asano beat people with clubs and burned them with cigarettes — and I think there’s no real debate about whether that consitutes [sic] torture.
Apparently burning someone with a cigarette is way worse than making them think that they’re going to drown and die. It’s a shame that the choice between waterboarding and burning with cigarettes has never been offered to Mark because I would guess that, given the choice, he’d be pressing his jiggly parts on the lighted butt lickety-split.
But wait, there’s more. Asano practiced a much more severe form of waterboarding according to the Post:
Twenty-one years earlier, in 1947, the United States charged a Japanese officer, Yukio Asano, with war crimes for carrying out another form of waterboarding on a U.S. civilian. The subject was strapped on a stretcher that was tilted so that his feet were in the air and head near the floor, and small amounts of water were poured over his face, leaving him gasping for air until he agreed to talk.
In waterboarding as it is practiced by the U.S., cellophane or cloth is placed over the subject’s mouth to keep water out of nose and mouth. Asano was pouring water directly into the mouths and noses of subjects which is considerably more harsh and dangerous.
You see the cloth makes it kinder, gentler, more compassionate torture. Of course, this idea that the cloth keeps water out of the mouth and nose of the victim is a bit of nonsense that Hemingway ripped out of his capacious derrière and, if he had two functioning neurons to rub together, Hemingway would know it.
The purpose of the cloth is, in fact, to make it more difficult to breathe while still allowing water into the mouth and the nasal cavity. Here’s a snippet from the Stephen J. Bradbury memo explaining that.
The wet cloth creates a barrier through which it is difficult – or in some cases not possible – to breathe. … Either in the normal application, or where countermeasures are used, we understand that water may enter — and may accumulate in — the detainee’s mouth and nasal cavity, preventing him from breathing. In addition, you have indicated that the detainee as a countermeasure may swallow water, possibly in significant quantities.
Oh, and for what it’s worth, Chinsaku and Iwata used cloths on their victims. Not that this fleshloaf actually cares about the truth.
Permalink
Apr
24
Posted at 4:34 by Gavin M.
‘Chicago Ray’ sounds like a bad idea for a pizza place,1 but he’s a good idea for a guy who yells at liberals on the Internet. Because where, you know, can you find an exceptional blargh of halitotic anger these days? Where can you experience that extra, supraordinary tweet-bird in orbit around the head — one, even, with a tiny tweet-bird of crazy buzzing around its own head?
I mean rhetorically, and not in the absolute sense, but graded on the curve; because all the right-bloggers have stampeded to the extreme, Bircher-ridden edge of Gumdrop Gulch, and have dug in there beclouded, as it were, with orbital finches, yelling at the sun, wearing Big Bird suits and dancing pow-wow style in circles around one another. Blowing the curve flat, in other words.
But like such greats as Adam Yoshida and Pastor Swank, Chicago Ray has what you’d call a natural potential for greatness. By this I mean that he’s not only out of his mind with misdirected anger, but also dumber than a basket of wet socks.
This line has to contain the name ‘Cleveland Sanchez,’ because it said that here before, and there’s already a footnote for it. Welp, let’s see what’s cooking with ol’ Rusty Tromblurpy:2
Chicago Ray:
Napolitano gets "stupider" and "stupider" Each Passing Moment, Time For Her To Go
How this woman got to be a governor much less in charge of the security of the entire United States is anyone’s guess but certainly this has to be the most incredibly stupid cabinet appointments of all times as she is getting roundly bitch slapped from the right wing extremists like myself for comparing the Canadian Border to the Mexican border falsely claiming and insisting 911 hijackers came through Canada…..
Welp, let’s try to take these points one by one.
How this woman got to be a governor much less in charge of the security of the entire United States is anyone’s guess
Oh God, how are we going to guess? If it’s anyone’s guess, that means no one’s guess is better than anybody else’s, and the…
[zeerp] Hello, dum-dums.
Um, greetings, Great Gazoogle. We were wondering how…
Well, dum-dums, after Concrete Blonde broke up, Napolitano tried to do a Natalie Merchant sort of thing, but to no great avail, and long story short, she frumped out into a sensible-shoe lesbian. They say politics is like show business for women with realistic physiques, and true to form, she decided to stay in the biz.
Well that’s great, uh, Great Gazoogle, but we’d really like to know how she became…
Tsk, it must be hard to be you, here in 2012 with a metastasizing hepatocarcinom-oops. Heh, I so did not just say that. Hee.
The…
Oh, several, yes, things happened to Napolitano over the next several years, until she would up facing laughing-boy Matt Salmon, a two-term congressman of Holy Underwear persuasion, in the 2002 Arizona gubernatorial. It was an uphill swim for salmon, in which he blew his whole wad before perishing. A lobbyist before, after, and during the election, the cat got his tongue, and he was in quite a pickle and had to go through some red tape. He now works as a beach comber.
So I “guess” it isn’t “anyone guess” after all, is it?
As you frequently force us to conclude, Great Gazoogle, a wide world of knowledge is ours through the magic of reading. Say, would the…? Rats, he’s gone.
but certainly this has to be the most incredibly stupid cabinet appointments of all times as she is getting roundly bitch slapped from the right wing extremists like myself
Oh right, that.
Enh… Enh… Ennn[POP]. WTF im doin it wrongn
Read the rest of this entry »
Permalink
Apr
23
Posted at 8:53 by Gavin M.
BREAKING BORKED!
BREAKING BONKING!
MUST [DIS]CREDIT PAM!
Knock-knock, ding-dong. Hi, may I help you? Oh, it’s Pam of Atlas Shrugs, relatively fresh from our making fun of her about the Nazi thing.
Key Witness in Presidential Passport Tampering Case Murdered in 2008, No Arrests
OMG, they are killing people.
Oh no! Not people! That’s what many of our friends are!
Do you remember this curious story during the Presidential election? A couple of months before rumblings began about Obama’s birth circumstances and the discovery that BHO’s COLB (certification of live birth) was a forgery, a story broke in late March 2008 that State Department employees had tampered with the passport files of Barack Obama
This is true for a definition of “[to] tamper” that means “to look at a picture of,” and for a definition of “discovery” like if the Discovery Channel were full of people yelling hysterically about the Skeleton People chasing them on pogo sticks.
And note the phrase, “Obama’s birth circumstances.” It’s like the new, respectable way to mention his birth certificate — for a definition of ‘mention’ that means to step on a glue trap and run flapping around the house arguing with it.
As to us, we are becoming interested in Obama’s birth circumference.
We would like information on his birth circus dances, on the cirque and scision. We would like to see his stiffy kit.
At the time “State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said the violations of McCain and Clinton’s passport files were not discovered until Friday, after officials were made aware of the unauthorized access of…
Let’s skip the next twenty-five or so lines where she blows the lid off what now appears to be an integrated Pakistan Ayers Sex Tour Passport Birth Certificate Conspiracy — if that’s the lid that was flipping when we scanned ahead — to see what she’s talking about with the killing and the people and the thing.
UPDATE: This article is from April 2008 (thanks Slimguy) but I was unaware of the murder. I am just seeing the story. Needless to say – there have been no arrests a year later in this case.
Key witness in passport fraud case fatally shot Washington Times
So he fatally shot the Washington Times. No, okay, so the story was published a year ago, and Pam didn’t notice the date when she launched into…a post whose title says ‘2008′? Because in 2008, Condoleezza Rice was Secretary of State? As in, the one who heads up the State Department? With the passports and the visas and the you-know?
Apparently, it’s still Schmuckuary in Ronkonkamonkama. That’s the thirteenth month of varying length in which people ease into the new year by dating their checks in the safe and tested manner of the previous one. For instance, today is April 22nd, 2008, or the 112th day of Schmuckuary. Ronkonkamonkama is a Long Island town in which people go to the maul.
The bat-mitzvahed Ronka-konkans weah shawt-shawts and carry a pockabook,1 and of a weekend or a Thursday will gowau ta nikelubs with their swains, young Italian gentlemen in the aspirational Billy Joel sense, having embraced the local version of the funk by trading their gold Star of David bling for those lucky-horn necklaces that the genuine local Italians, with the smaller houses and cooler cars, now regard as some kind of ancient Jewish symbol. A shoal of cutthroat Yuppies roils around them, supporting Thai and recently Vietnamese restaurants (Cambodian/Laotian was gunna be nex if the economy hadden ganunda2), but allowing all the good pizza places to close. Rootfully underneath lies a slightly too warm or cold layer of current and future retirees with aching feet who can’t stand that guy on the TV, what’s his name. Ronkonkamonkama is real, yet never all in one place at once.3 Some say it is inside us, ‘us’ in this case meaning not ourselves specifically, but more like Pam and a lot of other Pams, with their terrier dwogs and their joolery.
Also, it should pique suspicion that it’s a Washington Times story. Also, it has already rattled around the block several times on an old skateboard with rusty metal wheels. Also, it is a recent addition to the notoriously laffy-daffy Obama Body Count. Also, the passport files of John McCain and Hillary Clinton were improperly accessed. Also:
- The dead guy, whose name was actually Leiutenant Quarles Harris, Jr. (spelled as shown), was supposed to be testifying against some people allegedly involved in a different incident.
- Welp, I guess that’s that.
Yes, mistakes happen to us all. O hai, Debbie Schlussel:
So much for Obama’s faux “openness.” Why was Lt. Quarles Harris gunned down? What did he know about possible Obama friends in the State Department illegally accessing passport information of opponents?
Wow, that post didn’t stay up long. O hai, Free Republic. To the Freepers, the fact that the story is a year old is highly suspicious, and they hypothesize as to whether it was intentionally misdated or suppressed for a year then retroactively planted back in the record. They notice that there is a a wine called Quarles Harris, and find this highly suspicious:
Either the vintner is non-existent and the listing is a means to pass coded data, or the Lt. is an alias. Perhaps Harris is now relocated to a convenient address and new name so Obamaicde cannot be done on him in exchange for further data forthcoming. One thing is sure, we the people will never know the full truth.
Since it is agreed to fit the profile of an Obamurder, reason suggests that while Obama’s spooks were altering or concealing the incriminating passport data, they would have engineered the credit card scam to help finance Obama’s campaign. The Freepers dig up a photo, discover that Harris was black, and quite reasonably wonder if he was an ACORN agent. A memorial with teddy bears is found suspicious. Court documents are produced and found suspicious. And so on:
Barry’s supposed gay lover in Chicago was also shot near a church, wasn’t he?
Um, maybe.
But that’s odd, through the trees over there, with that wig rising vertically and then descending after a full rotation on the X axis, accompanied by the sound of a slide whistle and then a kettle drum. Yes, that, over there. Look, it just did it again.
OMG, Pam hasn’t even slowed down:
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Apr
23
Posted at 1:39 by Gavin M.
ABOVE: “Sink’s fixed, Mr. Corgan.”
Shorter Some Previously Unnoticed Cob-Nobbler:2
CFO of Freddie Mac commits suicide… Can Anyone Say Vince Foster?
- The CFO of Freddie Mac blew his brains out with a rope in his basement or whatever. Oh boy! Oh boy! Obamurder coverup of Democrat financial sabotage [reaches for Jergens bottle] Whitewater, Whitewater, death rape cocaine Clinton terror Gestap-oooh! [reaches for wankerjack3]
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Notes:
1 Cf. Brian Eno, and if there’s a list someplace of overlooked Clinton double-entendres of the ’90s, it must be a short one, and that ‘Whitewater’ thing can now be crossed off it, thank God. A better title would have been FAP Ref. 41°N 93°W, but ‘better’ is one of those subjective things.
2 Cf. “Harsh Realm, Mr. Sulzberger”.
3 A small flag kept handy for personal hygiene. The term is a portmanteau of ‘wankerchief’ and ‘Union Jack’ that also suggests Cracker Jack and its guarantee to contain ‘a secret toy surprise.’ The song Take Me Out to the Ball Game gains great potential from it, with its well-known richness in terms such as ‘ball’ and ‘root,’ and the unresolved problem created by the homonymy between ‘peanuts’ and the formal term for the male apparatus. “Buy me some penis and crack, oh Jack” has never been more than a temporary patch, and its age has been apparent ever since tweakers replaced crackheads as the crazed drug fiends of first metaphorical resort.
Our phone keeps ringing, but we are simply overextended, wink-nudge, and can’t guarantee a consultation right away.
Please keep trying, and be prepared with your question.
Bungalow Bill asks:
Great minds think alike, and we are finding out more and more each day we can’t trust our government. Why shouldn’t we make these connections? They have a lot to hide, and it scares me sometimes thinking that I might be probing into something I shouldn’t be getting involved in as I write.
The Liberal Police State advises:
Sweetie, trim your nails and you’ll be fine.
Chicago Ray asks:
[T]his shit is already out of control as we go Back to the Future with all the Clinton players back in play again. They are following the script already written since Obama is nothing but a puppet and they’re pulling the strings.
The Liberal Police State advises:
Script or no script, strings or Wonder Woman’s magic lasso, those in the dominant role are responsible for honoring your limits — but YOU are responsible for setting those limits and expressing them clearly. Some stretching is normal and harmless, but “out of control” is your body’s way of telling you it’s time to take a Ferris Bueller’s Day Off from all the “play.”
ptg asks:
Can you picture Rahm Emanuel and Barney Frank pulling on Kellerman’s dangling legs?
The Liberal Police State advises:
Next time press 2, honey. This is advice, not spanky-in-the-hankie. But I’ll just say that Barney Frank pulling on a dangling thing is not something you’re likely to have trouble with, chez Frank — and take that as you may (as the whore said to the bishop). Emanuel? Well, pull the other one. That’s a triple-entendre, by the way, and I don’t recommend those for beginners or the unwary.
Let’s take our next…heh. Well, that’s all we have time for, loll, kuh-thixbay.
[Hanx! The Velvet Blog]
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