Sadly, No!

Not one to let the pressing issues of last century pass him by, Pastor Swank has turned his sights on China’s infamous One Child policy. Set aphasia-ers to stun! China’s Abortion Dilemma By J. Grant Swank, Jr. Jan 19, 2011 – 12:05:25 AM It’s the health of an entire nation. China may run out of […]

Good news, flock! Pastor J. Grant Swank, Jr. has recovered from his semi-annual stroke and is churning out aphasia-soaked columns again! We’ll midrash two of ’em shortly, but first a word from our sponsor: ABOVE: Delicious when served with White Deviled Eggs Now then, first up is a bodice-ripping yarn from the good pastor: I’m […]

Take it away, J-Swizzle: TIGER WOODS SLUGS WOMEN YEARS BACK J. Grant Swank, Jr. Tiger Woods’ wife: Elin Nordegren Woods. Tiger Woods offers his wife millions to stay married to him—so much dough per year. Is this not one of the most outrageous inhumane offers imaginable? Can a husband who has been caught having sex […]

Teh Internets owes teh Sadlies $19717.3. This is true. Meanwhile, did you also know that God speaks through earthquakes? And not just any old earthquakes, but ‘multitudinous earthquakes’? And not just any multitudinous earthquakes but ‘present-tense quakes’ that move mountains out of their sockets? ‘Included in the End Times signs are earthquakes,’ reports J. Grant […]

Above: The time now is always Pastor Swank sets the scene: He, dapper, was dressed in expensive casual duds. I figured him to be in his mid-20s. Sure enough, I was right. We shook hands. I asked him if he had a degree, for I assumed he did in that he appeared suave, educated and […]

Each year, a time comes to give thanks for the blessings we have received, and to roast a big turkey. We’ll do the thanks and blessings later, because here comes Pastor Swank. Above: Goodman Swank thanks God for some corn hefound sitting around unguarded OBAMA, WILL YOU EVER END A SPEECH WITH ‘AND GOD BLESS […]

Because I’ve mostly been working on mainstream wingnuts such as Bill Kristol and K-Lo lately, I began wondering today how some of the less literate wingnuts that comprise the conservative base are reporting on this year’s election. After all, if the folks at the National Review are going this delightfully bonkers over the prospect of […]

SAME-GENDER ‘MARRIAGES’ = MAJOR SIN Above: Swankius laxicranius Among other things, George W. Bush’s presidency is under a divine curse because of the time he placed the Koran in the White House library. ‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Above: Swankius simplex Spitzer, Spitzer, Spitzer. Let’s see what’s up with Pastor Swank: Us Girls Are Filled With Sex Diseases Uh, sorry; transcription error. US girls filled with sex diseases Grant Swank March 11, 2008 One in four have sexually transmitted diseases. That’s what I would call a plague. That’s what we would call not […]

ABOVE: Pastor Swank puttingthe ‘Y’ in ‘YMCA’ Yeah, I know that Gavin has already posted on this, but you can never have too much Swank on a Sunday. I’m sure Pastor Swank would probably even agree himself. Well, actually, I had a draft on Pastor Swank’s fulminations on the drag “mass” in San Diego, but […]