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The Beast is Red, Chapter 13: Getaway

Getaway day, that’s what they call it, and I need to get away more than I need to keep breathing air. For once, Dan Riehl was right: “forget waterboarding, just strap a liberal in a chair and make them sit through it all.” Spoken like someone who’s never been waterboarded, but if this hasn’t been […]


The Beast is Red, Chapter 12: Show Us Your Twits

Saturday noon. Recollection of the last 24 hours is excruciatingly difficult; I have taken every remaining pill in my kit bag, and yet somehow, despite the presence of enough chemicals in my system to transform me into the Joker, I have developed a raging cold. My throat is nearly sealed shut, which may work to […]


The Beast is Red, Chapter 11: Pestilence Goes For The Big Laff

It’s become very fashionable lately to avoid any mention of Ann Coulter. Like the slow-wit down at the package liquor store who hoists it out of his trousers if you pitch him a quarter, attention only rewards her, this argument goes. Without our rage and affront to feed upon, it’s supposed that she will just […]


The Beast is Red, Chapter 10: The Sugar and the Shit

I’m sequestered in a tiny corner of the Exhibit Hall with my laptop cranking its coolants trying to patch into a live feed of Ann Coulter’s speech before the Yiffies for Freedom. The Anntichrist got bounced from the official schedule this year, but the YAF snuck her through in a laundry hamper so that no […]


The Beast is Red, Chapter 9: Brought Me To Darkness, But Not Into Light

Cameos: Wayne LaPierre’s speech about gun rights is remarkably well-received. The part the audience likes best is a short film in which people who have killed criminals talk about how guns saved their lives; in filmed re-creations of the crime scenes, all the bad guys are blacks. LaPierre’s narration: “Menacing figures coming towards you in […]


The Beast is Red, Chapter 8: Twice Presented Him a Kingly Crown

George W. Bush, when you get right down to it, is a fucker. That’s why I don’t like him. He’s a fucker who does fucked-up things. He’s a privileged little shit who doesn’t give a damp hell for the opinions of the people he was elected to govern. He buys into the toxic economic theories […]


The Beast is Red, Chapter 7 (Interlude): Holding A Shard of Mirror Up To Nature’s Throat

Above: No whey! I have learned so much at CPAC already, I feel as if I am a new person. Like my namesake in Full Metal Jacket, I am born again hard. I know now that there is no excuse, ever, for not cutting taxes. I know that the easiest way to depress a Republican […]


The Beast is Red, Chapter 6: She Don’t Like, She Don’t Like, She Don’t Like… McCain

The John McCain speech viewed from a TV monitor near Blogger’s Row. I fought like hell to get in here: no soldier in a war ever suffered more to gain less. (Hey, if conservatives can compare no-smoking laws to the Holocaust, then I own this.) His introduction (by an Oklahoma congressman whose name I didn’t […]


The Beast is Red, Chapter 5: Soy Un Perdidor

I think David Horowitz is ratting me out. The little zero stood reading my e-mails over my shoulder (quite a feat, given that I’ve got a foot and a half on him) for about ten minutes before I noticed him, and in the hour or so since, I’ve been getting bad looks from my fellow […]


The Beast is Red, Chapter 4: In a Mad Frenzy, Stinging Themselves to Eternal Death

Before Cheney comes on, a bunch of CPAC dignitaries are introduced. Who gets the biggest applause? Wayne LaPierre, the human bulldozer of the National Rifle Association. The only person of color on the panel, Niger Innis of the race-baiting Congress for Racial Equality, actually draws boos. This is officially the only time in my life […]