Seriously, I’m expecting the sky to cleave open at any minute and for the four horsemen of the apocalypse to come galloping over the clouds. K-Lo, over at America’s Shittiest Website™ (aka America’s Most Excruciatingly Slow Website™) has cited a statement of the National Organization for Women. Approvingly. It’s like hearing Brent Bozell confess a fondness for Allen Ginsburg’s “Howl,” seeing Tony Perkins reading Edmund White’s A Boy’s Own Story or discovering an essay by Megan McArdle on the role of the Aristotelian unities in the tragedies of Racine. In French.
The statement in question is NOW’s denunciation of the evil people at Gawker for revealing to the world that Christine O’Donnell once dressed up like a ladybug, got liquored up, picked up a guy and tried to bed him. Of course, my eschatological fantasy dissolved immediately when K-Lo engaged in that awesome wingnut superpower of mindreading.
I wonder if they would have issued the statement if Chris Coons weren’t so ahead in the polls.
Okay, two can play this game. I wonder whether K-Lo would have said this if Christine O’Donnell were ahead in the polls. Or if the Gawker piece detailed a 24-hour meth-fueled orgy with Barney Frank in a French maid’s outfit and GLAAD issued a statement about the harassment of gay politicians.
Here’s another thing I wonder with respect to all the howls of outrage at the Gawker piece. This is a situation where Christine O’Donnell publicly preached that sex outside of marriage is so bad that even to touch your own thingy down there is a sinful act of infidelity that makes the angels weep, the devils high-five each other in Hell, and more hair sprout on your palm than you’ll find on an unwaxed hooha or John Podhoretz’s back. And then she goes all Snooki when no one’s looking.
The Gawker story is not about harassment of a female politician. It’s about hypocrisy. No one dropped a stitch — nor should they have — when tales of Larry Craig’s escapades in his Capitol Hill townhouse were revealed, including sordid details about the mechanics of the encounter which make the reference in Gawker to Christine’s, er, you-know-what seem tame. If you run around preaching sexual morality, your own dalliances are fair game whether you’re male, female, gay, straight, or, like me, Belgian.
MoveOn.org people dressed up in Rand Paul outfits and stomped on their own member’s head to embarrass Rand Paul. UPDATE: Okay, so it was a Rand Paul guy. But he didn’t stomp that hard, he stomped on her shoulder not her head, and she deserved it.
ABOVE: Confederate Yankee Bob Owens on patrol for Black Bart*
One of the favorite memes of the right-wing nutjob-o-sphere is that liberals and blacks are the real racists and that, in reality, the true champions of diversity and racial harmony are conservative white guys who, believe it or not, spend almost every waking hour mulling over what, in the end, is most beneficial for blacks. Of course, the holy grail in this quest for evidence of liberal and black racism is President Obama, the socialist blackmander-in-chief running amok in the White House ramming “stuff” down everyone’s throat.
Now the conservatives are aware that Obama, like most uppity, well-educated Negroes, is way too smart to just run around calling white people crackers and honkies or publicly admitting his plans to relocate all white people to “work” camps in the Okefenokee Swamp. So, the task of uncovering his undeniable racism requires the application of close hermeneutic analysis by highly-educated right-wing bloggers uniquely skilled in coaxing from each Presidential utterance the incipient racism hiding behind what appear to the untrained eye to be ordinary words.
Speaking of highly-educated right-wing bloggers with unique analytic abilities, is that you Confederate Yankee? I thought so. Who better to sniff out the evils of racism than someone who choses to call himself a Confederate and who decorates his website with the Confederate flag? Oh wait, you’re some guy named MikeM who posts for Mr. ConWankee when he’s too liquored up to drive from his trailer park to the library in town with an internet terminal. Well, what have you to say, MikeM?
Mr. Obama is at it again. … But Mr. Obama redeemed himself on Monday by inviting Republicans along on the Obama Magic Bus, with one proviso: We have to ride in the back.
Hope, change, progress, lunatic racial slurs…it’s a brave new world.
Oh, dear, but I think Mr. Con Wankee’s fill-in is cheating just a teensy bit here, judging from what Obama actually said.
As he does frequently, Obama compared the economy to taking over a car that veered into a ditch. As Democrats have tried to push the car out of the ditch, Republicans, he said, were “fanning themselves, sippin’ on a Slurpee” and kicking dirt in their faces.
“Now we get the Republicans tapping us on the shoulder, saying ‘We want the keys back,’” Obama said to cheers. “You can’t have the key back — you don’t know how to drive,” Obama said to hoots, hollers and hurrahs. “You can ride with us if you want, but you’ve got to sit in the backseat. We’re going to put middle-class America in the front seat.”
Hmm. It seems the “backseat” of a car got all transmogrified by Mikey’s fetid imagination into the back of a bus, an alleged allusion to a practice that we can be certain that Mikey vigorously opposed at the time and now rightly finds morally reprehensible and, on top of that, a racial slur.
And God forbid that Obama should ever utter the phrase “hang on” because if he does Mr. Wankee and his little elf assistants will be telling us that Obama has just called for every white person in the United States to be lynched.
*Yeah, I know that the post was written by one of Mr. Yankee’s elves and not by Mr. Yankee himself, but I noticed that only after I finished this P-shop, and I thought it was too good to waste. If anyone wants to complain about this, I’ll gladly refund the price of their subscription to this blog.
Well, yesterday I sent a tweet to Mullah Omar al-Bozell and his butt-boy Timmy Graham suggesting that al-Bozell might want to use my portrait of him in Taliban mullah garb for his picture at Newsbusters Artbusters:
And, you know, however much I may be offended by Thomas Kinkeade’s dreck or paintings of puppies playing poker, I don’t charge into other people’s houses and take an axe to the stuff they hang on their walls. Just another example of debased liberal values, I suppose.
More cutting-edge investigative journalism from the Pepys of Poca, the Muse of the Moonpie, the perennial Pulitzer wannabe-nominee Don “Jim Bob” Surber, this time to demonstrate that gays are a bunch of whiney-assed sissies and that the bloggers at Gawker aren’t as clever as Jim Bob:
5. From the Gawker: “Facebook allows users to list which gender of partner they’re interested in. But do you want Facebook’s advertisers to know if you’re gay? A Microsoft researcher has found a loophole which could secretly reveal a gay user’s sexuality to advertisers.”
Let’s see, you tell the world that you are a dude looking for a dude and somehow Facebook outed you?
Under the Even Gawker Should Display Some Logic rule…
“Ha!” Surber sputters. “Stupid faggots announce to the world on their Facebook page that they play for the other team and then get all huffy when their Facebook page has ads for mascara, high heels, lube and Key West sodomy spas. Further proof that teh buttsecks makes people stupid.”
Or, maybe further proof that Jim Bob never reads what he links beyond the first sentence or so, probably because moving his lips while reading tires him out so quickly, not to mention that all the big words past the lede are real confusing.
Also from “the Gawker:”
[L]et’s say you click on that ad for the nursing school that targeted its advertising only to gay men. You fill out an application and mention that you saw their ad on Facebook. The school now knows you’re a man who is interested in men, even if you’ve hidden your sexual preference using Facebook’s privacy settings. See why this might be a problem? [Ed. -- "Don, we're looking at you here."]
Of course, if you’re comfortable enough to put it on your Facebook profile, you’re probably OK with some people knowing you’re gay. But whereas Facebook’s privacy settings allow you to choose who can see your sexual preference, you have no control over what information Facebook uses to target advertising. Facebook’s privacy policy states that it can even use “information you may have decided not to show other users (such as your birth year or other sensitive personal information or preferences) to select the appropriate audience for… advertisements.” Anything you put on your profile is fair game.
So, no, Jim Bob, you ignorant twit, this is not about Facebook outing people who have “told the world” that they’re gay. Instead, what it’s really about is your outing yourself as someone incapable of understanding simple English, something you might want to chew on the next time you decide to start complaining about dem furriners not speaking English.
Another day, another plug at America’s Shittiest Website™ by Jo-Dough Loadberg for his new minimus dopus, the straight-to-paperback blockbuster Proud To Be Right.
Oh my! A book review over at The American Thinker! That should be fun. And — are you sitting down? — it is, shockingly, a rave review.
Like Reagan did, and like the new crop of Constitution-faithful candidates must do, Proud to Be Right brings conservatism into classrooms, workplaces, and living rooms — into the real world. Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher used to say, “The facts of life are conservative.” For the Tea Party movement to reach its potential, it must show America that she is right. A step in the right direction comes from a somewhat surprising source: America’s youth.
With reviews like this, can a National Book Award or Pulitzer Prize be far behind? The reviewers are Joseph Ashby and Drew Foy. I’ve never heard of them. Let’s see what the blurb at the bottom of the review says about them.
Joseph Ashby and Andrew Foy, M.D. are contributors to Jonah Goldberg’s new book Proud to be Right: Voices of the Next Conservative Generation.
That probably explains why the review singles out for particular praise the contributions to the book by — wait, wait! — Joseph Ashby and Andrew Foy. Now lest you jump to any mean liberal assumptions, I am pretty sure that the two reviewers agreed that the parts about Ashby would be written by Foy and vice versa.
And lest you jump to any even meaner conclusions about why Jo-Dough would praise a review of his book written by the very contributors to the book, I have been assured that Jo-Dough did not know that the review authors Ashby and Foy were actually contributors to his new book.
To sum up, Jonah gets other people to write his latest book for him, which has his name on it even though he likely hasn’t even read it, and then those very same people get to write reviews of the book. It is, as they say, a win-win situation.
.
Proud to Be Right represents the latest stage in Jonah Goldberg’s accelerating decline towards indolence, sloth, dodgy personal hygiene and late night pizza and Pringles binges. Rather than writing this latest minimus dopus bearing his name, Jonah has prevailed upon other people to write it for him, rather like he tries to convince his readers and, now, commenters at America’s Shittiest Website™ to do his research so that he doesn’t have to stop wallowing around among the crumbs on his couch long enough to fire up a search engine. The twenty-two essays include such soon-to-be classics as “Liberals Are Dumb” and “Reading Rand: Discovering the Right to Fail.” These are actual titles.
One of his contributors is Todd Seavey, best known for the most embarrassing personal ad ever posted on the Internet (cached version), and whom we’ve met before here at Sadly, No! Another is Helen Rittelmeyer, a dour and bizarre scold with an odd fascination for cigarettes who is now, allegedly, an associate editor for America’s Shittiest Website™ (It’s not clear what that has entailed other than writing five brief articles.) Both were invited to be panelists with Jonah Goldberg on C-SPAN 2 to discuss Jonah’s “book,” once again proving the suffocating hegemony of the liberal media over our national discussion of politics.
Well, as living proof that there is always, at least temporarily, someone for everyone, it appears that Seavey and Rittelmeyer had spent some period of time making the two-backed beast together. (After you see them in the clip below, I dare you to try to dislodge that image from your mind.) Their beast-making days having ended, apparently acrimoniously, Seavey was still nursing his wounds and decided to unload on Rittelmeyer as the C-SPAN cameras rolled. The result is an oddly compelling piece of film noir documenting a lover’s quarrel between two dorks. If Douglas Sirk and Diane Arbus ever made a film together, it would look like this:
I discovered this gem while trolling Ace’s House of Play-Doh and Bacon looking for blogging material. I heartily recommend the comments at AHOP-DAB on this video because a surprisingly large number of them come from Ace O’Spades regulars and involve some hilariously pointed jabs at Jonah. These include one from a commenter who has apparently noticed, as have I, the decline of personal hygiene chez Goldberg and who wondered whether Jonah had “wrestled a bear” right before going on camera. I also suspect that the C-SPAN makeup artists, if they exist at all, are liberals because they failed to cover up a torrid acne breakout that one of the panelists was suffering.
After the C-SPAN appearance, Seavey asked someone to throw a shovel into his hole and he just kept on digging.
My one foot is forward like this, with the other foot trailing behind, like that. I just took the ball out of my glove and said, “Woo-oo-ooaah,” like slow people do.
My arm goes around like, Woo-oop,
Woo-oop,
Woo-oop.
We might see the MFM embargo this type of photo now so it never even makes it out into the world.
An article last Sunday about Pamela Geller, a blogger who attacks Islam, misidentified the location of a beach from which she video-blogged about her visit to Israel during the Israel-Hezbollah war in 2006. She was in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., at the time of her reports, not at a beach in Israel.
An article last Sunday about Palm Beach, Fla. native Robert Van Winkle, a.k.a. rapper Vanilla Ice, misidentified a mark on his right cheek as a “dueling scar.” The wound was accidentally self-inflicted while cutting a bagel.
The article also overstated the number of monthly unique visitors to Ms. Geller’s Web site, Atlas Shrugs. The site attracts 194,000 such visitors, according to Quantcast statistics — not one million. (The Nielsen Company estimated 184,000 in September.)
The article overstated the number of unique purchasers of Mr. Ice’s 1989 debut album, Hooked, later reissued under the title, To The Extreme, which peaked at Number One on the Billboard 200, a weekly ranking of popular albums tabulated by Billboard magazine. The album sold 11 million copies, not “100 ker-shmillion, godzillion-plus-infinity times ninety-nine with a hundred-billion zeroes after it” copies, as the article claimed, while few if any of its purchasers were unique.
And because of an editing error, the article misspelled the surname of the lead singer of the Who whom Ms. Geller was likened to for being the “front man” in the attack on Islam. He is Roger Daltrey, not Daltry.
Because of an editing error, the palindrome, “A man, a map, Lacan — Pamela,” was misspelled as, “MILF Pam in a fap film.”
Mike Adams has made a career, more or less, over at Clown Hall chronicling efforts by women and gays to harass him, allegedly by writing sharply-worded letters to him as well as by mentally broadcasting hateful taunts in his direction which are then picked up by his fillings and intrude into his thoughts. The latest assault on Adams’s delicate sensibilities was a series of co-ordinated suicides by gay teenagers who killed themselves expressly to embarrass Adams and to affect his standing at the cow college where he teaches.
Never one to take such personal attacks lightly, Adams fights back and reports a shameful truth about Christian suicides which are being covered up by the mainstream media
Officials on college campuses across the nation are alarmed at a wave of recent suicides involving Christians who have been harassed by homosexual activists. The main stream media isn’t covering the story so, as usual, I have taken it upon myself to do their jobs for them. None of the following eight cases have been covered by any of the three major news networks.
That may well be because, unlike the recently publicized suicides by gay teens, the suicides Adams is talking about are completely imaginary, as in fabricated out of whole cloth by Adams to try to make a rhetorical point about the equivalence between adults who have been criticized for expressing anti-gay views and teenagers who have been driven to suicide after having been bullied, beaten up and shamed by classmates. Adams is also working on a column pointing out that the Holocaust is pretty much the same thing as public criticism of a Republican candidate for dressing up in Nazi uniforms and pretending to be a member of a Panzer division.
This wouldn’t by Sadly, No!, of course, if I failed to point out what really happened to each of the “bullied” adult Christians.
Jonathan was a community college student in California. He was giving a speech on the impact Jesus Christ has had in his life and in the lives of others he knows. During the speech, he quoted a verse from the Bible, which referred to the traditional definition of marriage. His professor jumped up in the middle of the speech and shouted “You fascist bastard.” He then refused to give Jonathan a grade for the speech – sarcastically telling Jonathan he should “ask God what (his) grade is.” Jonathan subsequently committed suicide.
Jonathan didn’t kill himself but, instead, filed a four-count lawsuit against the professor and won three of the four counts.
Scott was a librarian at a university in Ohio. He was a member of a committee charged with picking books for a freshman reading program. He recommended a book called The Marketing of Evil, which was critical of, among other things, homosexuality. A homosexual faculty member publicly accused Scott of sexual harassment – merely for recommending the book. Shortly thereafter, Scott took his own life.
The university quickly dismissed the faculty member’s harassment charges against Scott who, of course, is now suing the school and the faculty member.
Jennifer was a graduate student in Georgia. She was studying counseling at the graduate level when word got out about her religious objections to homosexuality. Some professors also found out that she considered homosexuality to be a chosen lifestyle. Neal Boortz found out and called her ugly names on his radio show. The university forced Jennifer to go through a government-mandated thought control program, which Neal Boortz had endorsed on air. She soon found herself facing the prospect of expulsion from the university. She later killed herself in the face of the Boortz-led witch hunt.
Jennifer, rather than hanging herself, is now being represented free of charge in a lawsuit against the university.
Crystal was an administrator at a university in Ohio. She wrote an article for the local paper, which let homosexuals know that there are ways to escape the lifestyle that ends their lives prematurely. She told them they could find hope in God. But they were enraged. They demanded that she be fired from her job – even though her opinions were written and disseminated on her own time. They managed to get her fired. Later, she took her own life.
Crystal, after her firing, went on to write a book and to create two businesses which she manages. She is also suing the university and says she would gladly return to her old job.
Julia [sic] was a student at a university in Michigan. She was asked to help a homosexual client by using “gay affirmation” therapy. But she refused to do so because of her beliefs about homosexuality. (Note: It is OK to refuse to provide gay correction therapy even if that is what the client desires. But one must not refuse to provide gay affirmation therapy). Julia was expelled from Eastern Michigan because of her views. So she ended it all.
Julea Ward is now happily employed as a high school teacher and is, of course, suing Eastern Michigan University
Ruth was a student in Georgia. She was battling her campus speech code in federal court when homosexual activists began spreading rumors about her on the internet. They even called her a “bitch” for fighting against the campus speech code. After they circulated pictures of her Jewish co-plaintiff (doctored with swastikas) all over the internet she decided she had had enough. So she took her own life.
Georgia Tech settled Ruth Malhotra’s suit and revised its policies. Ruth was invited this March back to Georgia Tech to host a First Amendment forum. She is now happily collecting wingnut welfare from Campus Watch.
Mike was a professor in North Carolina. The director of the local LGBSTQQCCISA (Lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgendered, queer, questioning, completely confused, indecisively-sexed, and allied) Center kept sending him emails promoting LGBSTQQCCISA issues. The director of the LGBSTQQCCISA Center admitted that she did it to provoke him. He felt bullied. So he killed himself.
It looks like we’ll throw out almost all the bitches in Congress this November, which means we might finally be free from having to listen to all this shit about breast cancer. During football games, no less.
When Bryan Fischer isn’t running around claiming that there is a gay conspiracy to kidnap your children, sodomize them and then force them to become gay abortionists, he is — quelle surprise — warning of the imminent takeover of the United States by the Mooslim hordes who will not rest until your children are forced to memorize the Koran, your wife to don a burqa, and you to bow down facing Mecca five times a day. Oh, and they’re coming for your dog Fluffy too.
Now we learn from Bryan that the Islapocalypse is closer than previously thought. Campbell’s Soup, America’s iconic purveyor of artificially flavored salted water, hypertension and heart disease, has defected to the jihadists
Creeping Sharia has come to a grocery aisle near you. Campbell’s soups have come out with a line of 15 halal-certified soups which comply with the dietary regulations of the two percent of the American population that follows Islam. …The next time you pop open a can of Campbell’s vegetarian soup, you’ll have the comfort of knowing that you are consuming jihadi-sanctified food. … What more people will find offensive is that the person carrying out the killing must recite a Koranic verse while the lifeblood of the animal drains away, thus dedicating the animal and the meat that comes from it to Allah. … The prayer? “Bismillah Allah-hu-Akbar”, which means “In the name of Allah, who is the greatest.”
And just as its a small step from a simple nosh on a kosher hot dog to waking up one morning wearing a yarmulke and sporting newly-grown payots, just tasting one tiny spoonful of halal Campbell’s Soup will have you shouting Allahu Akbar during Monday Night Football and surfing the web for the latest in suicide vest fashions.
Sharia law is no longer creeping up on us. It’s bearing down on us at full gallop. It’s time for Christian civilization to grab the reins of this runaway horse and stop it dead in its tracks. No Sharia law in America, period.
Oh, and before any of you become fearful of visiting your neighborhood grocery store lest you become the involuntary victim of the Islamic conversion-by-canned-soup plot, the halal Campbell’s sharia law soup cans are only available in Canuckistan, which you will find out if you click Fischer’s link. For the life of me I really can’t figure out why he failed to mention that these jihadist soups were only available in Canada, although I suppose it rather fucks up his argument about Sharia law bearing down on the U.S. “at full gallop.” Or maybe Fischer doesn’t understand that Canada is another country.
[h/t Sadly, No! special agent code named "I Want Reason To Prevail."]
ABOVE: Separated at Birth? Pigpen and Dough-Bob Loadpants (aka J-Load Doughberg)
J-Load Doughberg doesn’t like the idea of Arianna’s free buses to take people from NYC to the John Stewart rally in DC. No, sir-ee, he doesn’t like that idea one bit, so he’s been thinking about what to do about it. He puzzled and puzzled until his puzzler was sore. Then he came up with an idea he hadn’t thought of before and posted it today.
Har har har, Jonah snorts. Arianna can’t force the bus riders to go to the rally, so we should encourage right-wingers to crowd her buses and once they arrive in DC they can do whatever they want! And we can make her spend a beeellion dollars to charter a million buses, which will make her go bankrupt and finally shut her up.
I think conservatives who’d just like a lovely trip to the nation’s capital should take her up on the offer as well. Spend as much — or as little — time as you like at the rally. Huffington says she’ll supply as many buses as it takes.
Of course, Jonah doesn’t stop for a moment to ponder the fundamental dishonesty of this scheme, but that’s not surprising because they had to get rid of the honor system for doughnuts at NRO after Jonah kept taking donuts and whatever change had left behind by others for the donuts they took.
There is, however, a major flaw in Jonah’s scheme to bankrupt Arianna and get a free trip to the Air & Space Museum at the same time. Jonah could have discovered this flaw himself but that would have required actual work on his part. He would have had to endure the excruciating effort of opening his browser and typing g-o-o-g-l-e-dot-c-o-m into the URL bar. It seems that registration for the free bus rides closed on October 8, four days before Jonah’s post with his bright idea.
Of course, now that America’s Shittiest Website™ has a comments section, one could — in theory — go over there and point this out to Jonah so that thousands of loyal Corner readers don’t show up at Huffington Post HQ in NY on October 30th hoping to get a free bus ride to DC. Or we could all keep this little secret to ourselves.
*In case you didn’t know it, Jimmy Dean does purvey a breakfast delicacy called Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick, available wherever fine foods are sold. I just learned this recently from Brad’s excellent article at Alternet titled “6 Revolting Breakfasts That Just Might Kill You Before Lunch.” I might have titled the article “Jonah Goldberg’s 6 Breakfasts of Champions,” but I imagine that the lawyers at Alternet are a little pickier than they are here at Sadly, No!
