Just To Say…

…Since I’ve pissed off so many people below, I wanna point out a couple of things:

• Look, I went too far in saying Obama is doooooooooomed. But he will be if his only rebuttal to McCain is to whine about his taking “the low road.” Well, no shit McCain is taking the low road — after years of failed Republican governments, the low road is all he and his pals have left.

• My personal preference is for the Democrats to just smack these bastards silly and never be nice. Obama has obviously painted himself into a corner with his “politics of change” theme, but that doesn’t mean his surrogates can’t start whacking St. BBQ around on a daily basis. This is, of course, why I was so annoyed with the Obama crew for not having Wes Clark’s back when he made the very obvious point that getting shot down in a plane does not a president make.

• Finally, I want there to be more out-and-out ridicule against the Republicans. There is a definite mockery gap between the two parties, as the Republicans have figured out how to “BWAH-HA-HAAA!!!” Democrats and really make it stick. If you don’t believe me, consider: “I never inhaled,” “I invented the Internet,” tank helmets, and windsurfing. Yes, all this stuff is childish, but it fucking works. Ridiculing and demeaning your opponents in a childish manner is something that the average voter respects. Personally speaking, I’d like to start rumors about how McCain has an unseemly and un-American lobster fetish. Maybe we could even launch a 527 called Swift Crustaceans for the Truth to expose how McCain has for years been molesting innocent sea creatures at his elitist island home on the Cayman Islands.

The point is, somebody needs to start doing dirty tricks. Somebody needs to take the low road. Because if Obama lets the spite gap get out of control, we’re all going to be holding our heads the day after Election Day mumbling bitterly about how our candidate was smarter, had better ideas, was more positive, etc., but still lost. As another like-minded blogger has pointed out, “These rats ain’t gonna fuck themselves.”

[Pic via Jazz From Hell]

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Spite Works

One of American liberalism’s saddest myths is that the American people are inherently good, optimistic folks who have been duped into voting against their interests by crafty Republicans who play on their spites and resentments. If only the Democrats could nominate someone who embodies a new kind of politics where people are offered hope instead of anger, this reasoning goes, they will see the truth and sweep the Democrats into power.

In the real world, of course, this isn’t true. People love voting out of spite in this country, and the Republicans know it. That’s how so many Republicans, from Nixon to Reagan to Bush, all won two presidential terms despite having economic policies that hurt the average American to benefit the super-rich. And now, McCain is following in this proud tradition by making his entire campaign exclusively negative.

Just take a look at the campaigns’ two online press rooms to see this dynamic at work. On the Obama side, you’ve got stuff like this:

• Obama links economy to foreign policy

• NASA’s 50th anniversary: a statement from Sen. Obama

• Obama urges Iran to accept EU nuke proposal

Above: “Vote McCain, or…”

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Indeed, if you look at the campaign’s compilation of official press releases, you’ll see that the Obama crew haven’t even mentioned McCain since June 22. The McCain press room, on the other hand, is filled with things like this:

• “Obama’s Missed Visit”

• “Obamanomics Is A Recipe For Recession”

• “Obama the Unknown”

And that’s how it’s going to play out. St. BBQ will run an exclusively negative campaign calling Obama a Hollywood hip-hop lovin’, troop hatin’ fag, while Obama will get out on the stump and talk about the politics of hope. If you can’t see where this is headed, you just haven’t been paying attention for the last 40 years.

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The Incredible Hulkin

Malkin’s latest, translated from the edited version:

Presidential Idol
The Brangelina-fication of the Obamas.

You couldn’t pass a grocery store line this weekend without seeing the picture-perfect smiles of the Obama family. There were Barack Obama’s young daughters (whose privacy their parents so sanctimoniously claim to want to protect) flashing their pearly whites on the cover of People. Malia and Sasha competed for attention right next to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s toddler daughter, Shiloh, whose cherubic face was splashed on the cover of another celebrity tabloid. Next to them beamed basket-case starlet Lindsay Lohan and her new lesbian lover — oh, and that formerly pregnant “man” who just gave birth to a baby girl.

The Obamas blended seamlessly into this Hollyweird pop-culture galaxy.

Blast! Losing … control. Got to keep … rage … from taking over …

The spread in People, which earlier this year fawned over a photo of the bare-chested Obama in his swimsuit, was supposed to be an ‘exclusive’ first and last look at life at home with the Obamas. Knowing what we know about the Obama we know now, it probably won’t be the last.

Arghhh! Anger … building! Feel change coming! Warned them … they wouldn’t like me … when I’m angry! Gaahhhh! No! It’s … too … late … unhhh! Got … to … aarrrrggggGHHHHHNNNNRRRAAAAWWWRRRRR!!!!!

They’ve hawked the kids to TV gossip show Access Hollywood, blabbed about their romance to Us Weekly, and plopped Michelle O — the purported “civilian” whom the Obamessiah declares immune from public criticism — in front of the cameras to schmooze effortlessly for The Colbert Report and The View demographics. They believe their two-faced tabloid strategy (show their true elitist colors behind closed doors, but play the Every Family for the Obamedia sycophants) is working.

RAWRRR! BWAHAHA! MALKIN TRY TO KEEP HULKIN DOWN! TRY TO HIDE HULKIN FROM EDITORS OF MALKIN! BUT HULKIN IS MOST OUTRAGED ONE THERE IS! AND NOW HULKIN WILL SHOW EDITORS OF MALKIN HOW HULKIN WILL SMASH EDITORS OF MALKIN!!!!

Given our dumbed-down, celebrity-obsessed culture, they are probably right.

HULKIN WILL SMASH CELEBRITY-OBSESSED CULTURE!!!

Who cares about Barack’s perilous lack of foreign-policy experience, his longtime associations with left-wing radicals and domestic terrorists, and his business dealings with Chicago corruptocrats? People brings you the scoop on what really matters in this critical presidential campaign: Michelle hula-hoops with her daughters. They’re just like you and me! The kids have slumber parties. They’re just like you and me! Barack does laundry, but he doesn’t fold it. They’re just like you and me! The kids get small allowances. They’re just like you and me! The Obamas wear normal clothes while doing normal things.

PUNY OBAMAS! TRY TO HURT HULKIN! TRY TO MAKE HULKIN THINK HULKIN’S INCREASINGLY OUT-OF-STEP POLITICAL VIEWS NOT POLITICAL VIEWS OF AMERICA!

THEY’RE JUST LIKE YOU AND ME!

HULKIN SMASH YOU AND ME!

There’s a popular feature in most gossip magazines that rates celebrities as “normal” vs. “not normal” or “diva” vs. “down to earth.” This is supposed to humanize the stars and make celebrity followers feel better about their empty idol worship. Paparazzi catch “normal” famous people in candid moments — taking out the trash, scarfing down hot dogs, goofing around with their kids at the playground — and magazine editors compare them to photos of “not normal” celebs in elitist repose — walking with their umbrella carriers, surrounded by seven bodyguards and three nannies, boarding their Gulfstreams, etc.

PUNY MAGAZINE EDITORS TRY TO CONFUSE HULKIN! TRY TO PLAY TRICKS ON HULKIN!

The fatal flaw in the tabloids’ Obamas-as-next-door-neighbors propaganda, of course, is that unlike the candid shots of normal, down-to-earth celebrities without makeup or entourages, the photos of the Obamas in “normal” mode are all carefully choreographed fauxtographs.

THINK HULKIN TOO STUPID TO SEE TRICKS OF PUNY MAGAZINE EDITORS!

While Snobama complains about “bitter” rural voters who “cling” to their guns and religion and moans about the price of arugula in his candid unscripted moments, JustLikeYou&Me Michelle cunningly brags about buying her sundresses at discount retailer H&M and, with studied casualness, tells reporters that she doesn’t mind if the kids’ beds aren’t perfectly made. Uh-huh.

BUT HULKIN NOT STUPID! CAN SEE TRICKS OF PUNY MAGAZINE EDITORS!

The Obamas do everything but pick their noses for the cameras to mimic Real People bona fides. The Obamedia stenographers in the celebrity press — and the mainstream press, for that matter — eat it up. And so do the American people. Former Star magazine editor Bonnie Fuller, citing a poll showing that more adults would like to invite Obama to a summer barbecue than McCain, hailed the Obamas in Advertising Age as the “Brangelina of the political world.”

AND NOW HULKIN WILL SMASH PUNY MAGAZINE EDITORS!

Obama and his political paparazzi are banking on people’s stupidity and his cult of personality to carry him to the White House. Unfortunately, the odds are in his favor.

GRRRRRRAWW! HULKIN SMASH POLITICAL ZEITGEIST WHEN POLITICAL ZEITGEIST NOT FAVORABLE TO PREFERRED PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE OF HULKIN!

Just try talking to one of the millions of people with their noses buried in People or Us about Obama’s relationship with Jeremiah Wright or Bill Ayers, his flip-flops on the Iraq war surge and his reckless naivete regarding Iran, and you’ll see what I mean.

ARGGGGHHHH!!! THE MORE MAGINALIZED POLITICAL INSANITY OF HULKIN GETS, THE MADDER HULKIN GETS!

The exclamation of a journalist at the UNITY minority news media gathering this weekend sums up the star-struck reverence that fuels the Obama phenomenon: “He touched me!” And yet, he’s sooo “down to earth.”

Hurtling toward a government of the stupid, by the stupid, for the stupid we go.

PUNY MAINSTREAM AMERICAN OPINION! HULKIN … SMASH … PUNY … MAINSTREAM … MAJORITY … OPINION … SUR … VEYS … HMPHH … GAK … EYES … HEAVY … RAGE … SUBSIDINGZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz …

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Love, Ex-cit-ing And New…

Shorter Michael Gaynor:

20ish Marie Jon’: NOT Hypnotized By Obama

Above: Not a recent picture

• That young Marie Jon’ sure is purty. [spit-combs hair, slicks down eyebrows] Smart as a whip, too. D’you think she’d go out with me?

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Hey, Where’s The Cake? Oh Right, Dan Riehl Has Just Taken It

Shorter Dan Riehl:

I Demand An Apology!

• As the possible descendant of an alleged German indentured servant, I am entitled to ask: Do I deserve somehow less of an apology for slavery than the descendants of millions of black Africans held in centuries of generational bondage thanks to their own backwards tribal culture and its shameful failure at protecting its people against our superior system of laws and government?

Today’s runner-up in cake-taking is Confederate Yankee:

Lynching, Lynching Everywhere…

Because no, it doesn’t take place in the Old West, and woo! nice try, bub.

In Mr. Yankee’s defense, his own essai in favor of lynching appeared in late June, indeed lending credence to his claim that Max Blumenthal’s July 29 broadside against lynching-related imagery is “delusional” as well as a species of “unintentionally funny, lethally-refined insanity.” Because here’s the thing: June is before, while July is after. In other words, one thing was then, while the other is now.

Allow us more fully to explain the difference: It is different good ha-ha not same bad boo-hoo.

Coming soon: Confederate Yankee hucks and snortles about shooting people again, accuses liberals of moral weakness in opposing acts of heroic and necessary violence, reaches with left hand for used tissue or stray tube sock.

Today’s runner-up in cake-taking is also Confederate Yankee:

Selective Outrage

Because when a right-wing lunatic carries out a murderous shotgun rampage during a children’s musical performance at a liberal church, that pales in comparison to this.

The second auxiliary booby-prize runner-up is Ace of Spades HQ, for its ongoing ‘millions of idiots think that Obama is some kind of savior’ gag, which suddenly, and as though no one had ever said such a thing, Eschered into its opposite:

Obama Arrogant?

Bonus points are awarded for the original story being wrong, and Slublog, the post’s author, reacting to the correction with a claim that it only underscores his point. That trick always works, and never makes people look petty and insecure.

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The Bodies Are Piling Up

The McCain-Obama Death List

The following is a partial list of deaths of persons connected to both John NMA McCain and Barack HUSSEIN Obama during their time as presidential hopefuls in the United States. This list does not include numerous suspicious deaths of persons connected to McCain and Obama separately. Read the list and judge for yourself…

SOJOURNER ‘FATIMAH’ SHABAZZ – Bangladeshi mother of Arab baby “adopted” by Cyndi McCain from 1984-2003. Grew to regret Muslim indoctrination, converting to Christianity and attempted to reclaim illegitimate black baby from McCains in years approx. 1972 timeframe. Executed 1999 in Darfur under orders of Hova tribesmen related by blood and marriage to Obama, head transported to Bohemian Grove in Northern California as trophy. It was rumored he was going to bring evidence of Wright’s complicity in his father’s death.

ANTONIN BLAIR – Former Chicago city comptroller killed in 1997 cocaine bludgeoning overdose choking stab plunge gunshot from tall building beheaded shotgun blast. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house. Just weeks earlier had served multiple subpoenas on illegitimate nephews of Obama, including John McCain.

DESHAUN ‘BLACK JUJU’ HAYNESWORTH – Small-time Washington D.C. drug dealer found murdered in 2008 with sharpened crack cocaine outside Arlington, Va. home of McCain and Obama.

ST. JOHN REINHOLD - Austro-Cornish adventurer and mountaineer known for scaling 17 of world’s 19 40,000+-foot peaks without breathing oxygen. Buried in 2002 avalanche of mousepads at computer distribution warehouse owned by Obama high school associate Dennis O’Halloran. Had been investigating Sherpa MySpace suicide pact allegedly engineered by former McCain technology advisor Phil McCracken, who himself disappeared in 2006 only to reappear hours later. Strongly implied that the ‘baby daddy’ was Barack ‘John McCain’ Obama.

PANCHO CORDOZA - Died from a gunshot wound. Mexican telemundo actor who portrayed stunt double for popular Sr. Bee character on Channel 12. Still living and employed as former Chicago city comptroller.

OLDSMOBILE JOHNSON – Transvestite homosexual prepared to testify about Obama connection to Hormel meat processing scandal. Confided to friends before 1893 death that McCain did it. Found shot and stabbed in fall from tall building, death ruled ‘murder’. It was rumored he was going to bring evidence of Wright’s complicity in his father’s death.

JOHN-JOHN ‘THE TOTAL FAG’ DIETZ – Author of tell-all book on McCain, ‘One Of These Days, Cyndi, One Of These Days’, also one of Michelle Obama’s many white, female conquests while at Harvard. Filed murder complaint against Michelle Obama with federal Patent and Trademark Office in 2003. Died from a gunshot wound. Because ‘trademarks’ were not considered a crime like it is today, she ended up dropping the charges. Fifteen years later, found murdered to death by Obama, Michelle Obama and John McCain of an apparent murder.

HARACK OUSSEIN BOBAMA – Still-born white Christian heterosexual twin brother of Obama. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house. Injured 1961 while still in womb when McCain punched white mother of Obama in stomach. Obama finished job on potential presidential rival by sawing off twin’s head with makeshift ritual Muslim scimitar constructed from placenta, partially digested former Chicago city comptroller.

PETER NOONE – Popular lead singer of Herman’s Hermits. Found dead of apparent suicide in 1979 following ‘row’ with Obama, McCain in latter’s bathtub. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house.

QUINTLOCK P. MUNROE – After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house. Former Chicago city comptroller with licensing contract to McCain, Obama, killed by way of death in recent years.

MILES BANDERCOOT & JAKE LARUE – Clones of Obama and McCain respectively. Developed self-awareness in 1987 chemical vat incident before being gunned down by onlookers.

SPORT GOODMAN – Beloved Utica, N.Y.-based newscaster and former Chicago city comptroller rolled up into little ball and made to go ‘POOF’ in a cloud of smoke as if he had never existed.

DABNEY ‘GAB’ SADDLEMAN – Former Chicago city comptroller stomped to death in riot of former city comptrollers instigated by McCain crony Obama at behest of Obama crony McCain. Died from a gunshot wound.

PAUL ROTHCHILD - Democrat National Committee Political Director found dead in a hotel room in Washington DC in 2003. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house. It was rumored he was going to bring evidence of Wright’s complicity in his father’s death. A ‘friend and trusted advisor’ to senatorial candidate Barack Obama. Dead of an apparent suicide. Was found dead of an apparent heroin overdose May 18, 1997. Former Chicago city comptroller died from a gunshot wound. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house. It was rumored he was going to bring evidence of Wright’s complicity in his father’s death. Died from a gunshot wound. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house.

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20,000,000 Idiots Mocked To Smear GOP

Shorter Real Clear Politics:

Lone Madman Used to Smear GOP

Above: Donald Douglas is only thinking of the families

• Saddeningly, deranged liberals have ignored my reasoned call to both sides to stop politicizing the so-called conservative gunman who went on a shooting rampage against, uh, people.

Bonus Donald Douglas: We find concern-trollery at its most basic in Douglas’s plea to “partisans of both sides” to “end the politicization of personal tragedies.” (Contrariwise, we would call on partisans of both sides to condemn murderous attacks on liberal churches.) But he reaches an expert cadence in the plaint that, through identifying the alleged assailant as a conservative, “the suffering of the church victims and their families is largely forgotten.” Truly, let’s not bicker and argue about who killed who.

We are also schooled in integrity when Douglas slants things this way and that way in order to make dirty old reality line up better with clean, elegant conservatism.¹ It begins like this:

[The alleged assailant Jim David] Adkisson reportedly declared not only his hatred of the “liberal movement,” but also “anyone different from him.”

As you can see, the quote is not in fact attributed to Adkisson, and is significantly chopped even from the second-remove Star-Tribune version at the link. It reads in full: “He disliked blacks, gays, anyone who was a different color or just different from him.” In other words, unlike all of American conservatism until just this moment, Adkisson’s xenophobia was apparently coextensive with a hatred of modernity, roughly identified as ”liberalism,” in a way that was seemingly compatible with the views expressed by reactionary figures such as are heard on talk radio. Who indeed had ever heard of such a thing.

This ends with the incident (pace Douglas) proving the depravity of liberals and their ‘politics of hatred.’ Emphasis his:

In other words, the Adkisson case provides a case study in the secular demonology of the left. We’re seeing the politics of hatred in action. It’s marked by demands for vengeance and modes of discourse seeking to protect the perceived purity of the liberal sensibility. It is irreligious and opportunistic. It is the repudiation of decency. It is the absence of divine soul. With it, we see the Bush adminstration, John McCain, Bill O’Reilly, and Fox News attacked as the manifestation of the Fourth Reich.

There has (and I don’t say this lightly, or in anger, or vainly as though to get a reaction) seldom in my experience been a conservative opinion column that has so closely paralleled the editorial reasoning on view in the Völkischer Beobachter.

Mr. Douglas is a Poli Sci professor. We commend to him the study of politics, specifically in the manner of science; and also repudiate decency and request that as a cobag, he eat it.

¹ Cf.

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Someone Please Consider The Children

ABOVE: Betsy Newmark (left)

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Betsy Newmark, charter high school quiz coach and government teacher, as well as a blogger and 24/7 Republican talking-point regurgitator, has put on her sleuth cap and tried to plumb the mystery as to why most newspapers are staying away from the National Enquirer story alleging that the scandal sheet caught John Edwards in a secret rendezvous with his “mistress” and “love child.” Of course, you don’t have to be much of a sleuth yourself to figure out why she thinks that’s the case. (Hint: liberals at work). The real mystery is why someone this dim-witted is allowed to teach impressionable children.

So let’s watch some of Betsy’s sleuthing in action:

I think there are several reasons playing into the MSM disinclination to report this story. I think part of it is just a disinclination to report what Edwards terms as “tabloid trash.” Even though The National Enquirer has a decent background on scandal stories, most MSM journalists consider themselves above re-reporting what [sic] a story that The National Enquirer owns.

Now you know why Betsy isn’t teaching English at her school. You can also find out why she’s not teaching journalism there either if you’ll mosey over with me to the National Enquirer’s website to see that “decent background” and impeccable journalistic integrity at work

There we have, cheek to jowl, as it were, little green men on the moon and John Edwards’s love child.

If there were a police report or some other documentary evidence then they might start reporting what has been going on.

Ya think? Is anyone (other than Betsy) really surprised that the word of several reporters for a paper that specializes in reporting government cover-ups of little green space men might not, in and of itself, be enough to run a story accusing someone of adultery, particularly without any objective documentation?

This, of course, does bring us to the photo question. Supposedly a swarm of National Enquirer reporters and photographers staked out Edwards at a hotel and they couldn’t manage to come up with a single frigging photo of Edwards. That seems a little fishy since every time I do something embarrassing several of my friends, none of whom is a professional photojournalist, have snapped a picture of the deed and emailed it to me (and everyone else I know) before my hangover has even worn off.

This is such a hole — no, such a crater — in the story that even Betsy seems perplexed about it. But never one to let such a tiny obstacle interfere with her efforts to spread calumny about a Democrat, she’s got an answer:

We’ll see what happens when The National Enquirer releases the pictures that their Editor-in-Chief claims that they have.

Oh, Betsy, you’ve been naughty girl haven’t you? You were hoping we wouldn’t click that link, weren’t you? The Editor-in-Chief does not say that he has photos. The blogger interviewing the Editor-in-Chief says that there was a photographer there. Quite a difference. Indeed, if the National Enquirer, which has been humping this story harder than a terrier on a bitch in heat, had such photos, do you think they would keep them locked in their vaults? If you believe that, then I have pictures of Lindsey Graham, dressed in diapers and wearing a dog collar, giving me a blow job.

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Embarrassing

Woof:

I could cite four or five actions — not speeches — that John McCain has taken that elicit my admiration, even my awe. [...] To paraphrase what Kipling said about Gunga Din, John McCain is a better man than most. [...] His was a lonely position — virtually suicidal for an all-but-certain presidential candidate and no help when his campaign nearly expired last summer. In all these cases, McCain stuck to his guns.

I’m not sure what drugs McCain puts in his barbecue sauce, but its main purpose seems to be making Washington Post columnists go gay for him. Color me disturbed.

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You can fool K-Lo all of the time

Oh Jesus, she’s at it again:

Deja Vu [Kathryn Jean Lopez]

This makes me primary mad all over again:

Prominent evangelical leaders are warning Sen. John McCain against picking former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney as his running mate, saying their troops will abandon the Republican ticket on Election Day if that happens.

They say Mr. Romney lacks trust on issues such as outlawing abortion and opposing same-sex marriage and because he is a Mormon. Opposition is particularly powerful among those who supported former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee in the Republican presidential primaries earlier this year.

“McCain and Romney would be like oil and water,” said evangelical novelist Tim LaHaye, who supported Mr. Huckabee. “We aren’t against Mormonism, but Romney is not a thoroughgoing evangelical and his flip-flopping on issues is understandable in a liberal state like Massachusetts, but our people won’t understand that.”

I started to get intense anti-Romney e-mail again a few weeks ago, when I wrote this anti-Huckabee column. When it comes to Romney, there is almost a religious fervor opposing him, despite a record of helping social conservatism in recent years.

“Almost” a religious fervor? Uh, no, K-Lo. It is literally a religious fervor.

See, right-wing Evangelicals maybe cuckoo for Coco Puffs, but they aren’t nearly as stupid as you are. They know that Bush and the GOP have used them for money and votes while not lifting a damn finger to seriously help their causes. Consider the GOP’s track record on law-breaking: they’ve been perfectly willing to break laws against torture and warrantless wiretapping, but they didn’t lift a damn finger to send in the National Guard to replace Terri Schiavo’s feeding tube. Priorities, people!

So yes: for all their craziness, the Christian Right will only eat so many platefuls of shit. And in Mitt Romney, they correctly see a dung heap the size of a large walrus.

Continuing:

I honestly don’t know why someone so successful would feel the need to continue play-acting, faking his way through conservatism just to be John McCain’s vice president (I find it hard to believe conservatives will ever get enthused in 2012 by someone who was a part of the McCain administration) or, worse, John McCain’s running mate on a losing ticket.

I mean, right? Why indeed would Romney want to deceive people about his true nature just to up his chances of getting a piddling, dead-end job like the vice president of the United States? After all, look at how unhappy Dick Cheney seems to be — when he’s not spending all his time cooped up in his undisclosed location, the poor guy is reduced to getting wasted and shooting his friends in the face with birdshot. Not to mention the poor guy’s pet project of invading Iran seems to be going nowhere. Who on Earth would want such a tedious and thankless job?

Mitt Romney — is an example of someone who came to the wisdom of conservatism through practical experience. He saw its reasonableness in the face of liberal overreach. We should want to embrace such conversions. We should want to encourage people to get Right.

Or we can fervently close the door to them and their contributions and fresh blood. What a good move for a movement that needs re-energization and recruits.

Mitt Romney is an example of someone who is stunningly and embarrassingly full of shit, even by the standards of modern politicians. The fact that he has failed to pass the smell test of notoriously gullible crackpots such as Tim Lahaye shows that his hangers-on are the very dimmest of bulbs. K-Lo, congratulations.

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Wingnut Queen Feels Our Pain

Shorter Michelle Malkin:

The Tennessee Church Shootings

• Horrible. Confederate Yankee zeroes in on what’s important — i.e., absolving conservatives of responsibility for this passing anti-Christian incident in which only two people were killed (both of whom were old).

Bonus Confederate Yankee:

Update: Apparently there are some people who want to go on a shrieking political bender about this tragedy (both right and left), but that isn’t going to happen here.

[deletes all comments]

Comments off.

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Shorter Dafydd Ab Hugh Ap Saymmerch Ab Dyckwydd

Fauxtonement: “Prayergate” Takes a Weird, New Turn

• Even though an Israeli confessed to stealing Obama’s prayer from the wailing wall and giving it to the press, there is still not an iota of proof that Obama didn’t leak the prayer to the press himself in order to “thuggishly politicize the holiest and most sacred site of world Jewry.” Therefore, I demand a full investigation.

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Just close your eyes and pump

Tom “FU” Friedman’s last column starts poorly enough:

What would happen if you cross-bred J.R. Ewing of “Dallas” and Carl Pope, the head of the Sierra Club? You’d get T. Boone Pickens.

What would happen if you cross-bred Henry Ford and Yitzhak Rabin? You’d get Shai Agassi. And what would happen if you put together T. Boone Pickens, the green billionaire Texas oilman now obsessed with wind power, and Shai Agassi, the Jewish Henry Ford now obsessed with making Israel the world’s leader in electric cars?

But it really gets going (i.e. hits the crapper) when he quotes Shai Agassi:

Agassi is a passionate salesman for his vision. He could sell camels to Saudi Arabia. “Today in Europe, you pay $600 a month for gasoline,” he explained to me.

$600 (€400) a month?!? The average car in Germany does just over 14K km per year (To check our figures: learn German, open PDF, do the math). To spend €5,000 per year on gasoline (at €1.50 per liter*, assuming just about the highest price yet), you’d need to acquire 3,333 liters of regular or super. Which would imply that the average car gets 4 km per liter.

Assuming your car needs 10 liters per 100 km (23.5 MPG), you’d need to be driving 33,330 km per year to spend that much. And unless the average car consumes 23 liters per 100 km (10.2 MPG — we doubt that), Agassi isn’t anywhere in the ballpark or in the right (flat) world. Or is everyone driving a Hummer in Europe these days?

* A pretty generous assumption, might we add.

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Fun times

Oh goody. The Justice Department has issued its final report on Monica Goodling’s illegal hiring practices for career DOJ positions. There’s plenty of fun stuff in here, such as this:

We interviewed Angela Williamson, who was the Department’s Deputy White House Liaison and reported to Goodling during most of Goodling’s tenure as White House Liaison. Williamson attended numerous interviews conducted by Goodling and told us that Goodling asked the same questions “all the time” and tried to ask the same questions of all candidates. [...] After Goodling resigned, Williamson typed from memory the list of questions Goodling asked as a guide for future interviews. Among other questions, the list included the following:

• Tell us about your political philosophy. There are different groups of conservatives, by way of example: Social Conservative, Fiscal Conservative, Law & Order Republican.

• [W]hat is it about George W. Bush that makes you want to serve him?

• Aside from the President, give us an example of someone currently or recently in public service who you admire.

We found that this last question often took the form of asking the candidate to identify his or her most admired President, Supreme Court Justice, or legislator. Some candidates were asked to identify a person for all three categories. Williamson told us that sometimes Goodling asked candidates: “Why are you a Republican?”

Several candidates interviewed by Goodling told us they believed that her question about identifying their favorite Supreme Court Justice, President, or legislator was an attempt to determine the candidates’ political beliefs. For example, one candidate reported that after he stated he admired Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Goodling “frowned” and commented, “but she’s pro-choice.”

It goes on like this.

Upon becoming president, Hussein Obama X’s very first act — after freeing Mumia, signing a reparations bill and implementing Sharia law, of course — should be to oust every single unqualified hack that Bush hired right out of Regent University and banish them from ever working again in any job. God knows how many more of them are out there.

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Does This Burqa Make Me Look Fat?

ABOVE: K-Lo at the beach

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Over at America’s Shittiest Website™, K-Lo is incensed about the latest fad that is turning young girls into shameless, godless hussies: bikinis.

[F]or heaven’s sake. This Washington Post piece on three 16-year-old girls shopping for bikinis in Tyson’s Corner is begging for a dad to be on the scene. Mom’s no help — one of them provides financial assistance because a teenage girl just has to have a bikini, you know. “Bikinis are more popular because they’re sexier. They draw a guy’s attention.” Where’s dad to just say no?

Next thing you know these young girls will want to be dancing the “twist” and going out in public without male relatives as chaperones.

Note: I’m at the beach this weekend, so “New Wingnut of the Week” is on temporary hiatus and will return next Sunday.

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Shorter David Frum

Above: “And then Comedy Central took on
a new form — that of a giant Slor!”

‘Jest-O-Matic’

• Sure, my conservative pundit friends and I may make the occasional honest mistake, but that’s nothing compared to these lying comedians with their dishonest “jokes” and so-called “humor.”

Seb adds: If you’re going to complain, as Frum does, about the practice of making up quotes:

But even on “fake news,” I think it is improper to represent faked clips as if they were real.

Then you might want to consider not running the ad below right on the same page:

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Throughline

I’m working on the unfinished Obama/Goldberg post below, but in the meantime, please enjoy this emerging classic of the mass-forwarded email genre.

This isn’t one of those snarky jokes we’re so often accused of making. It’s real, and it’s likely coming soon to an inbox near you (replete with nine-hundred AOL and Hotmail addresses in the ‘cc’ column).

You’ve heard of the Clinton Body Count, and now it’s time for…

The Obama Death List

The following is a partial list of deaths of persons connected to Barack HUSSEIN Obama during his time inside the United States. Read the list and judge for yourself…

SARAH BERKLEY - Author of “The Jihad at the Ballot Box” - a book examining Obama’s relationship with radical Islam. Died in a mysterious car crash in 2003.

RUSSELL MCDOUGAL - Former FBI operative, January 23rd, 2007. McDougal was known to hold sensitive information about meetings Barack Obama had with arms smugglers. His wife was murdered March 2006 after he went public with his initial reports. His father died July 8, 2006 four hours after McDougal presented his findings on the Savage Nation. Suffered administrative retaliation after reporting discussions by jihadist groups concerning Obama to his superiors.

RODRIGO VILLALOPEZ, a television news camera man who shot the footage of Obama describing small town voters as “bitter” and “clinging to their guns during the primary season.

BRIAN GORING - A defense attorney for Obama patron Antoin Rezko during his trial for extortion and bribery. Died of apparent “natural causes.”

MERCEDES HUGLEY, one of Obama’s many white, female conquests while at Harvard. Filed sexual assault charges against Obama for date rape in 1990. Because “date rape” was not considered a crime like it is today, she ended up dropping the charges. Two years later, she was found dead of an apparent cocaine overdose.

Fun game: Try to determine how many of these people even exist. We’re coming up cold blank on several so far, including the ‘Sarah Berkley’ who wrote the apparently nonexistent book, The Jihad at the Ballot Box — which is, you know, supposed to have tied Obama to radical Islam at some point during his career as an Illinois state senator. The best might be Darsano Rahardjo (below). Egad, who can say it isn’t true?!

Read the rest of this entry »

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Dueling Shorters

Shorter Douglas MacKinnon:

GOP Unfairly Branded Racist

• As a Republican and a conservative with a strong familiarity with the Black community, I am disappointed and offended by Barack Obama’s recent remark that Republicans will, as he claims, “try to make you afraid of him” saying that he has “a funny name,” and that we would say such a scurrilous and irresponsible thing as, “Did I mention he’s black?”

Shorter Pam Atlas:¹

America’s New First Family

• Blacky blacky blackity-black-black African ooga-booga blacky-blacky boogie-boogie me-name-Abongo funny-name woggity-blackity blacky woo-woo! Check out Mr. Blacky B. McBlackington and his black, black, dusky-hued Blackamoor blacky-blacks.

Bonus Pam Atlas from one day ago:

What Are You Doing Tuesday the 5th? GO WEST!

[...]

In response to Obama’s claim that Republicans will use race to stoke fear, Lt. Col Allen West,² candidate for Congress in Florida’s 22 District issued this release:

My advice to Senator Obama is to run as a Man and Leader, and the American people will evaluate you as such, not as a victim. This is a Presidential race, based solely on a capacity to lead the United States of America. It is not about skin tone…however, perhaps we should come to expect these immature statements.

It also seems rather humorous that the Presidential candidate who was supposed to be such a “uniter” and transcend race is the one talking about it the most. If Senator Obama was confident in his abilities and character, he would not need to create a crutch for failure. Senator Obama has just tipped his hand, any criticism of him and his policies will be directly attributed to racism. I congratulate Senator Obama for taking race relations in America back some 30 years

¹ Since this is a week for such things, the meaning of Pam Atlas’s civilian maiden name, ‘Pamela Geller,’ is ‘honey yell’ (from the Greek and the German, respectively).
² J— adds: “That’s Allen West the former military officer who resigned from the Army so as to avert a court martial for assaulting an Iraqi detainee.”

Indeed it is!

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We Join This Investigative Series Already In Progress¹

Shorter Confederate Yankee:

When Denied A Chance to Turn Wounded Troops Into A Photo Op, Obama Declined to Meet with Them at All

Above: We are too lazy to Photoshop him in front
of a new Wacky Packages card today.

• Ho ho. Riddle me this, liberals: When Barack Obama, according to an anti-Obama email allegedly sent by an anonymous soldier that I stand behind even though the Army now biasedly and dubiously claims that it is a so-called “fake,” insulted the troops by canceling a cynical photo-op that attempted to use the troops — who according to another email which is not proven to be fake all hate him and do not want to meet with him — as a campaign prop; then whether or not the Pentagon itself suggested canceling the visit and insulting the troops because Obama was brazenly campaigning on foreign soil with his campaign staff and not his Senate staff, was he also at the same time misappropriating taxpayer funds by bringing his Senate staff on the trip? Because if so, then the blame for the Pentagon’s wholly proper decision must doubly rest on Obama’s arrogant and dishonest attempt fxjgddt auyio5lrig;o111… jljlkj lljkljk32

¹ See here and here.
² Since this is a week for such things, Mr. Yankee’s civilian name, ‘Bob Owens,’ means ‘bright fame of the nobility’ in the original English.

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German-Language/Meaning-Of-Names Week Continues With…

Shorter Debbie “Bee Key” Schlussel:¹

Above: Foxy Lady!

“Winning” In Iraq?: As U.S. Doubles Visas for Iraqi Refugees, One Arrested in Teen Sex Sting

• While I support the surge, an increase in visas for interpreters, contractors, and military personnel who can’t remain in Iraq because they helped America means that the surge is not working, because why are we letting more of these criminal America-hating Iraqi Muslim scum into our country!? [head explodes]

¹ Lit. from the Hebrew and the German

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