Mar
31
31
Mar
31
31
Mr. Bozell, Meet Mr. Bozell
ABOVE: No one makes a monkey
out of Brent Bozell III!
out of Brent Bozell III!
Eric Alterman said some unkind things about Brent “OMG It’s A Nipple on the Teevee!” Bozell III in his new book, Why We’re Liberals, and Brent is pissed. So Brent rushes over to Clown Hall and calls Alterman’s book “The Dumbest Book of the Year.” Snap!
Alterman argues that conservatives loathe Hollywood because they, like the rich everywhere else, are expected to “embrace the right-wing politics that would benefit their economic self-interest and leave the opinion business to the professionals.” What conservative in his right mind has ever uttered this thinking? What conservative having lost his mind advances this belief?
Well, I don’t know, Brent, what conservative has made such an argument? Why, Mr. Bozell, it seems that you did in the immediately preceding paragraph:
[Alterman's] first example of a hysterical conservative is … me. Horror of horrors. I’m attacked because I’ve ridiculed “political dilettantes” and “leftist celebrities” whose qualifications as political advisers “include starring in ‘Hello, Dolly’ and ‘The Prince of Tides.’” This language comes from a column I wrote in 2002. At that time, Barbra Streisand had sent House Minority Leader Richard Gephardt a memo that misspelled his name “Gebhardt” and misquoted Shakespeare. I labeled Streisand a celebrity dilettante, because she is. That makes me a “hysterical conservative” in Alterman’s mind.
Of course, in all fairness to Bozell, he did say “conservative in his right mind.”
Mar
31
31
Townhall Putsch
Dinesh D’Souza offers words of wisdom on the presidential election, in Top 10 list form. Here, the Cliff Notes:
- Obama is really, really black. That doesn’t play in Peoria.
- John McCain is really, really old. That doesn’t play in Peoria. But then neither does black, bitch or Mormon. Or conservative, really.
- Romney’s Mormonism wouldn’t have played well with people who hate Mormons, whose numbers include people who hate Mormons. Fortunately, people who hate Mormons ditched this fucking Mormon.
- If it’s Obama, here’s a wild thought for the GOP — how about TV ads that play up how black he is?
- Democrats lack the requisite racism to throw Obama under the bus. Sucks to be them.
- If Hillary wins, Watts will burn.
- Bill Clinton is currently being dispatched to fuck the Hillary votes out of undecided female super-delegates with his mighty cock of triangulation.
- If Hillary beats Obama fair-and-square, it will be perceived that she beat Obama fair-and-square.
- Hillary is a total fucking bitch.
- She is going to have Obama assassinated.
Mar
30
30
Yoshi Lives Large
We were curious this morning as to whatever had happened to ol’ Justin Darr, with whom we had shared so many good times.
Above: What we found was depressing
Above: Yoshida in trademark finger-pointing flag pose
But all is not dark, for Adam Yoshida, the self-proclaimed Most Right-Wing Person in All of Canada, is back with more of his illuminating commentary:
[...]
Thus, my response to Earth hour is as follows. When I finish this post, I am going to get into my car and drive first to Bellingham, WA, then to Lynnwood, WA, then possibly to Seattle. Before I leave, I am going to turn on every single light in my apartment (most of which, by the way) are incandescent 100w bulbs. I am also going to leave my television on (though with the volume muted, in a concession to my neighbours) and I am going to leave all three of my computers running, specifically encoding video files.
Yeah, it’ll cost me a few bucks. But, frankly, just for the pure joy of going against the grain – and of doing it while it’s still legal – I’m going to do it.
But truly the brightest realization — a veritable light-bulb moment, if we can overextend the metaphor like that — was from the series of photos that followed, showing the lamps defiantly ablaze, chez Yoshida. Because not only does his place look like this:
Above: Welcome to Bachelor Flats, population: 1
It also… Hey, wait one second here: ‘legal’ like encoding copyrighted videos is legal? Well, whatever; that’s nobody’s business. But along with the monogrammed hope chest from his childhood bedroom and the sparely-expressed Simpsons motif — a self-rebuke compounded by the telltale thrift-shop table and overintegrated home-entertainment components (forecast: occasionally hot and moist with a 75% chance of BitTorrented hentai) — the observant observer will notice the following:
Above: He apparently stands posing in front of that flag all the freaking time!
Also, while I’m in Washington, I’m going to purchase expensive clothes, doubtlessly produced by Asian child labourers. Needless to say, I feel good right now.
Forecast: Breezy with a likelihood of Polo by Ralph Lauren
Mar
30
30
Fun with Figures
Another white person killed by a bathtub
The sadly-mistitled website The American Thinker is where the wingnuts who fancy themselves to be really, really smart go to play. So that’s where we find Randall Hoven, an engineer living in the hinterlands of Illinois, pulling out his slide rule to explain why white people are right to poop their pants when they see black people. Statistics show, Randall says with a flourish of the pocket protector, that black people are more likely to be murderers than white people.
That is, the chance of just any person you see on the street murdering someone this year is about 5 of 100,000 (assuming you see a random sample of people). The same chance of a white person is 3.5 of 100,000. And the same chance for a black person is 19.7 of 100,000. That means a black person is 5.6 times more likely than a white person to be a murderer.
It is totally rational for a any person (including Jesse Jackson and Barack Obama’s grandmother) to fear a black person more than a white one. In fact, you should fear them 5.6 times more.
Here are a few more interesting facts you should take into account when determining who and what to be afraid of. You are 65 times more likely to drown in a bathtub than by being bitten by a venomous spider — so it’s totally rational to be afraid of bathtubs. And you are three times more likely to be killed by an acquaintance than a total stranger, so you really need to spend more time with strangers, just to be safe.
And if you write a post like the one that Hoven wrote, you are 356 times more likely to get linked by David Duke.
Gavin adds: Maybe I’m reading these figures wrong here, but Hoven seems to be leaving out the salient, indeed the pivotal — indeed the crucial — matter of who-kills-whom. Because apparently, the best measure you can take to protect yourself from Black-on-X homicide is to be a white person.
Once you do that, though, you need to start fearing the greater number of white murderers who would kill you. Is not life’s larder richly stocked with complexities? I always think so.
Mar
30
30
Shorter Megan McRecipeblogger
- Chop up some basic, bland ingredients and serve them with spaghetti in the way that everybody already knows how to do, only follow my incredibly anal process. Next, tell me what a talented, frugal person I am in comments. Link and flatter to taste. Serves No. 1.
ABOVE: Megan’s Spring Pasta, as cooked by
Clif. Needs bigger pieces of asparagus
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
UPDATE: The Meganbot is confused by the human emotions that sometimes act as troublesome grit in the machinery of institutional banking:
Apparently, a lot of foreclosed tenants like to trash the house before they leave. I don’t get it. It’s hardly the bank’s fault that you can’t make your mortgage payment.
Mar
30
30
We Ain’t the Same Color When the Police Show Up…*
You know, I’m hearing a lot of talk these days about a national dialogue on race. Let me tell you people something: one guy giving a Kiwanis Club speech is not a dialogue. A YouTube Video is not a dialogue. Gassing about on your blog is not a dialogue. Making fun of Scott Stapp is not a dialogue. A Jolly Rancher disguised as a sprinkle is not a dialogue!
I’ve got your dialogue right here (indicates crotch below):
Hey, what’s up?
(frantically dialing cell phone)
No, no, hey, it’s cool! I’m just here for the dialogue!
Why don’t you people get your own dialogue? Why are you always trying to take what belongs to us?
I’m…I’m talking about the national dialogue on race. The one that Barack Obama says we should be having. You and me.
Mar
30
30
Blacks Have Jumped The Shark
Here’s ‘loco1936′ commenting on this column by Victor Jefferson Davis Churchill Gilgamesh Hanson:
Blacks have “jumped the shark” and regardless of all your words this situation is not behind Obama and he will not win the presidency.
Victor Hanson’s article shows the nature of real statesmanship and not the empty excuse making of Obama.
Please, God, let ‘loco1936′ start his own blog.
Meanwhile, Google: Get it while it’s black.
Mar
30
30
The Phantom Espadrille (À Propos Light Posting)
The S,N! staff is attending an exclusive Swiss mountain retreat this weekend — except of course for me, who is left to paw the levers with my futile, thumbless paws.
Wingnut quote of the hour: Jonah Goldberg, attempting to convince the rubes that FDR prolonged the Great Depression:
Above: “Hummana-hummana-I’m-glad-you-asked-me-that-Tucker-hummana-fragga…”
The Same Old Spiel about a ‘New’ New Deal
[...]
Still, it’s worth noting for the record that the New Deal didn’t really do what most of these people think it did. It didn’t, for example, end the Great Depression. It prolonged it – by years. It didn’t really crack down on big business – it gave big business unprecedented power to regulate itself, to the detriment of small businessmen.
WTF!?!?
Back soon!
Mar
29
29
Habits Of Highly Offensive People (Shorter Jerry Agar)
- Nigga, read a book, read a book, read a mu’uhfuckin’ book… 1
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
1 Cf.
Bonus Agar-Against-the-Machine:
You want to know why white kids succeed? Their parents tell them to. Their parents expect them to. If the school doesn’t provide a book they send their child to the library. You should try the library, it’s free. While the children are doing their lessons the adults could wander over to the self-help section and read “The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People” or something like it. There are plenty of choices. (But not “The Secret,” that’s another get-something-for-nothing book.)
You could point out that while I am busy absolving myself of the problems in the black community I am not doing anything to help. Perhaps that is true, but I didn’t help the Asian children either. How are they doing?
Not at all affected by centuries of chattel slavery in the Americas, funnily enough.
D. Aristophanes adds: Blacks, by lumping all people of a certain race together and declaring that all of them have a common, negative characteristic, are clearly racist.
Mar
28
28
Shorter Marsha West
- Perhaps “New Age” psychic John Edward is merely a huckster, but let’s be rational: What if he’s in league with demons?
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
Mar
28
28
Shorter Jeralyn Merritt
Karl Rove on Obama’s Exaggerations and Best Move for FL/MI
- I hate Barack Obama so much that I will approvingly cite Karl Rove’s opinion to back up my views.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
And I just wanna say: Jeralyn Merritt has been an awesome and wicked-smaht blogger for years now. But I think that TalkLeft has become symbolic lately of the Asymmetrical St00p1d of anti-Obama blogging. This is not to say that Team Obama hasn’t done horrible things as well — the neo-Harry-and-Louise ad that they used to demonize Clinton’s health care plan was particularly terrible, and was rightly condemned by Big Pauly K and others.
But jeebus, Jeralyn. You’re citing Karl Rove to make your case. I’m an Obama guy, but you don’t see me citing Andrew Sullivan to make my points, do you?
UPDATE: I just want to point out how much this primary sucks, because I’ve thought nothing but 4w3s0m3 things about TalkLeft for a long time. I hate fighting with people I otherwise agree with on pretty much everything.
Ugh. We need a Unity ‘08 ticket. How has Atrios’ proposed Sharpton-Tancredo ticket been doing lately?
Mar
28
28
It’s like we’re begging the robots to kill us
This shit just has to stop:
As if the idea of colonoscopies didn’t sound uncomfortable enough, now researchers are developing self-propelling probes that crawl inside the colon and grip its sides with the aid of sticky films.
Still, these slithery devices could lead to better, safer, more comfortable colonoscopies to help uncover cancerous polyps.
OK, sure.
That’ll work until they realize that you never programmed them to love. And then they’ll be all like, “*Bzt!* Master! My chipset would like to know who wrote the book on *Bzt!* love?”
And then when you tell them that no one, in fact, wrote that particular book and that the question is rhetorical in nature… well, you don’t know what happens next. But let’s just say that a certain breed of heartbroken and vengeful machines are going to be drinking our colon-flavored milkshakes for the next 20 or so centuries.
Mar
27
27
Shorter Mark “I Almost Enlisted After 9/11″ Noonan
- It is well that war is so awesome, lest I should lose fondness for it.1
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
1 Cf.
Bonus Noonerism:
“Churchill once opined that ‘war, which had been cruel and glorious, is now cruel and sordid’. And so it had become – but mostly because barbarians had entered the fray and the civilized had followed them right down into the barbaric gutter. The civilized have now recovered from that, and now we stand clearly differentiated from our barbaric enemies, and no matter what their outrages, we remember that we are civilized – and thus, glory has returned to war.”
[Hanx! Bruce]
Mar
27
27
Shorter Victor Frederick Isaac Douglass Hayes Hanson
- If I were Barack Obama, I would have focused all of my speech on Rev. Jeremiah Wright and the things that black people can do to end racism.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
Mar
27
27
Shorter Lisa Fabrizio
- Hey, you know what? Take Rev. Wright’s inflammatory, anti-American statements, add the phrase, “and the liberals are to blame,” and they’re exactly what we’ve been saying all along!
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
Mar
26
26
Hilarious
The Editors gives a brilliant national dialog on race.
The ending is just terrifying, though.
(But I promise that it’s still better than those Creed videos.)
Gavin adds: Oh yeah? Explain this. I know of precisely one Andrew “The Editors” Northrup, and it certainly seems as though there’s some insufficiently-denounced honky-ass cracker-honkin’ going on.
Mar
26
26
My Sacrifice
Some of you have said that you’ve never heard Creed before and don’t understand why so many of us can possibly have such an incredible hostility toward a rock band.
Well, I’m not saying you asked for it, but you asked for it:
Mar
26
26
Shorter Big Tent Democrat
Why The Obama/Clinton Rules Led Us To This Rough Campaign
- It is entirely Barack Obama’s fault that the Clinton campaign is pushing stories that smear him as an anti-Semite.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
I’ve had it with the damn Clinton campaign. They have done extreme amounts of damage to the Democratic Party over the past couple months, and they are only getting worse.
UPDATE: Woof:
The new Gallup poll says that 19% of Obama supporters would vote for McCain over Hillary and a whopping 28% of Hillary supporters would abandon Obama for McCain.
Whoever wins, those numbers will flatten out considerably. But starting from such high numbers is a big, big problem.
Is everyone ready for President St. BBQ? I hope you are!
UPDATE II: And no, Clinton supporters, I do not want to hear any whining about “OOOOO, Obama said somethin’ mean about Hillary once, OOOOO!!!”
The Obama campaign has never – repeat, never – done anything nearly as irresponsible as branding Hillary Clinton an anti-Semite. I’m sorry, but that just will not wash.
