Sadly, No! condemns the recent assassination attempt on the President of the United States on the grounds that, for starters, assassination is reprehensible and wrong, and quite out of fashion in America, since years ago when JFK, MLK, and RFK were murdered one after the next by alleged lone, deranged gunmen. …And that was an accident with Wellstone, we think.
But wait, we’re not starting off well here. Throwing grenades at people — it’s always wrong. We condemn it with zero-tolerance.
Not Funny
It’s good to have backup in matters like these. Take it, Jennifer McBride, of the noted ’10 Reasons Not To Kill Bush’ essay!
Michelle Malkin is pimping a new website called “The Cotillion,”, a collection of wingnutty female bloggers (or as Michelle calls them, “hot conservative gals of the blogosphere”).
As if Michelle’s endorsement weren’t enough proof of the ladies’ wingnuttery, take a look at what Beth, the founder of The Cotillion, wrote:
Thanks to Michelle Malkin for your blessing; you are, of course, our inspiration!
*shudders*
Because we here at Sadly, No! love making new friends (and picking up hot babes), I figured I’d scope out some of the ladies in the Cotillion and set the best ones up with Gavin (I dunno if he has a girlfriend or not, but what the heck. Besides, Seb’s already spoken for, and his wife wasn’t too happy when she found out about his steamy threesome with Neal Horsley and Oskar the anti-American goat).
Surprisingly, nobody seems to have picked up on this yet, and indeed it puts quite a damper on our own musical revue, ‘The Year of Living Sadly,’ which debuts practically right across the street the same evening, and features guest appearances by Adam Yoshida on banjo, and Pastor Swank with that hula-hoop trick he does… And a rousing, all-cast dance number at the end that…
Well, crap. Because anyone in New York City, or within range of an airport that flies to New York City, must attend the Fringe Festival in August, and see Lee Papa, the Rude Pundit, in:
The Year of Living Rudely
Writer:Lee Papa
Director: Mark H. Creter
Based on the cult blog with thousands of fans worldwide, the Rude Pundit attacks assholes and pisses on the powerful. In this (very rude) one-man comedy, he gives a scatological skewering and a pornographic wedgie to preachers, politicians, and presidents.
Memorial Day always makes me feel patriotic, as Americans everywhere honor the brave men and women who have sacrificed their lives defending our freedoms, including my all-time favorite freedom: the freedom of speech.
The beauty of free speech is that everyone has it, whether they deserve it or not. Indeed, the best thing about America is that you can get up on a podium and say whatever retarded thing you want and not get jailed for it. See Exhibit A:
Above: Senator Man-on-Dog Sex.
While many Americans take this for granted, we should remember that even free countries like Canada have foolishly passed “hate speech laws” to curb racist, sexist and homophobic rhetoric.
We (well OK, I) here at Sadly, No! think this is a travesty- if we outlawed hate speech, what would we have to make fun of? And do we really want to live in a world without Pastor Swank?
There’s an old saying that goes: “I don’t agree with what you say, but I defend to the death your right to say it.”
This is a pretty good rule to live by, but I have my own variation of it: “I think you’re a moron, but I defend to the death your right to be an asshole so I can have a laugh at your expense.”
For in America, there are two ways we deal with someone who spouts hateful rhetoric:
1.) Call ‘em a fucktard (my preferred method)
2.) Elect ‘em Senator (Mississippi’s preferred method)
Not that one gets surprised enough, anymore, to spill one’s herbal tea or startle the fifteen cats in the sandalwood-candle scented nook in which one surfs the Internet barefoot with a Holly Near record playing quietly, etc.
But check out the catalog text for these dorkass T-shirts:
“What Would Reagan Do” T-Shirts
The next time terrorists attack the United States, the next time the UN tries to impose its will on the US government, the next time our allies chicken out on removing a brutal dicator from power, ask yourself, “What would Reagan do?”
The next time terrorists attack the United States? Well there’s this and this and this.
Not to mention Bush, who’s been sort of quiet on these issues lately. You could say that he’s not taking any great pains to mount the chautauqua stump and make a resounding statement of principle.
Because actually, you probably didn’t know this, but when white American extremists blow people up with explosives, everyone who gets blown up just turns sooty and frazzled like in cartoons, and shakes their fists going, “Curses! You got me!”
There is no substitute for face-to-face reporting and research. But it is now much easier to do all the things that go with it. I basically did all the library research for this book on Google, and it not only saved me enormous amounts of time but actually gave me a much richer offering of research in a shorter time.
This would be with his celebrity-signature-model Thomas L. Friedman Blackberry (with the custom inlays and chrome-plated hardware) — and you know, those Blackberries have a small interface that really makes you prize concision and simplicity. (hey abdullah its tom wassup? u drivin the cab 2day? gotta bounce times needds a colmn asap) (Google search = ‘I’m feeling lucky.’)
Riverbend reams him a new one in the latest lap of the ’05 Friednapolis 500, sponsored by his new book, I Embody the Peter Principle.
The Poor Man has been doing a Tom Friedman poetry thing (along with some other sites — it’s Friedmania lately), and I totally got busted by Brad R. a couple days ago while sneakily hanging out in the comments there when I should have been, you know, dragging down the discourse here and chasing away the readership. The problem is that I’m obsessed with Tom Friedman.
Here’s my Friedman poem. You’ll recognize an echo of Gerard Manley Hopkins.
The world is charged with the grandeur of Tom.
It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;
Now it gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil!
Crap. Why do men not wreck his rod?
I’m ashamed to admit this obsession. It’s unseemly.
But among the million, billion bits of Friedmanism that have exploded into the air like pollen lately (with his new book, etc), the one that’s really stands out is the Grist Magazine interview.
Not content with running around saying the world is flat (in his new book, The World is Flat), he’s got this damn-fool thing going called ‘geo-green.’ I’ve been trying to collect terms to describe this thing of his, and it pretty much beggars the thesaurus. You could say it’s ‘horseshit,’ and that’s true, but it would do less violence to sensibility and the beautiful English language to just call it “Muuuuh!” with your face all contorted and hands crabbed into I’m-a-retard claws. I’m doing that now. (Muuuuh!) It’s like four-dimensional horseshit, string-theory horseshit. It’s like slices of baloney folded into a hypercube. Read the rest of this entry »
Good Vibrations Celebrates 10th Annual National Masturbation Month in May 2005
Don’t call yet, there’s more:
Masturbation Month also means the launch of the internationally loved and renowned “Come for a Cause” Masturbate-a-thon. Back by popular demand, this is Good Vibrations 7th annual marathon of self-lovin’. Participants are encouraged to recruit their friends and co-workers to sponsor them for every minute they spend masturbating.
In this morning’s coverage of Koran abuse allegations at Gitmo, the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Boston Globe, Reuters, and Associated Press all mention in their lead paragraph that the Pentagon found no credible evidence that a guard flushed the Koran down a toilet. The Washington Post, on the other hand, does not bother to mention the Koran-flushing incident until its fourth paragraph and does not note until the thirteenth paragraph that the detainee who made that allegation has retracted it.
In Washington on Thursday, investigators confirmed five cases in which military personnel mishandled the Qurans of Muslim prisoners at Guantanamo Bay since 2002. But they said they found no “credible evidence” that a holy book was flushed in a toilet.
Brig. Gen. Jay W. Hood, the Guantanamo Bay prison commander who led the investigation, said five of 15 alleged incidents were substantiated. Four were by guards and one was by an interrogator.
Hood said the five cases “could be broadly defined as mishandling” of the holy book. He refused to discuss details but said two of the cases apparently were accidental.
And I’m sure by “mishandling” it, they mean it wasn’t kept in a special plastic Qu’ran baggy.
“But oh, oh, oh!” I can hear Michelle saying now. “They only said it was ‘mishandled,’ not flushed down the toilet! Newsweek lied! Internment rocks!”
Again, I don’t really give a shit about what interrogators did to the Qu’ran, but would it kill Michelle to admit that the military has confirmed that an interrogator desecrated it to break detainees? Seriously, after all the pictures from Abu Ghraib, is Qu’ran desecration really that unimaginable?
(I’m gonna put this below the fold because, trust me, it’s not for the faint of heart, and not in an “oy this is stupid” sort of way. It’s seriously extremely offensive. You have been warned.) Read the rest of this entry »
Matt Furey’s latest scam might just be his most bizarre yet (and yes, that includes his seminar on Kung-Fu Love-Making).
Exploiting the hype surrounding the last Star Wars movie, Matt offers to show Newsmax readers how to become Jedi Knights… by breathing (yes, you read that correctly).
“Your BREATH is Your POWER … and The Force is With You!”
NOW is the Time for YOU to Make a Deeper, Stronger, More Powerful Connection to “The Force” that Penetrates Everything in the Universe
Michael Jackson’s lawyers rested their defence yesterday after comedy actor Chris Tucker described the mother at the centre of the child molestation case as “possessed”
Comedy actor Chris Tucker. Stick a fork in Michael because he is done.
While I’m normally loathe to give creationists any money, I’ve decided to organize a field trip to visit the Creation Museum when it opens. Here’s why:
If dinosaurs could talk…
by Michael Matthews, Creation Museum scriptwriter
If only dinosaurs could speak.
Yes, if only- then they could cast off the chains of specio-centric oppression!
We all know how mammal-supremacist movies like Jurassic Park perpetuate the stereotype of dinosaurs as lumbering, unthinking monsters who spend their time attacking children and/or Jeff Goldblum. But did you know that the very name “dinosaur” is Ancient Greek for “terrible lizard?” No wonder dinosaurs feel they can’t get a fair shake in this day and age- we’ve been calling them “terrible” for years! Just because they have brains the size of walnuts doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings, you insensitive mammal assholes!
Rutz thinks God has gone on a virtual resurrection spree because very poor people living in very poor countries claim God brought them back from the dead. Seriously, that’s it. That’s all the evidence he needs: Read the rest of this entry »
I’m going to bed now, but I can sleep soundly with the knowledge that today’s filibuster deal will give me ample wingnuttery to mock all week.
ARingMD2B has a round-up of Freeper reactions over at Kos. Just trust me, they’re really funny.
And to tide you over ’til tomorrow, here’s Pastor Swank:
This is an evening of weakness to a Republican presence that should have been exceptionally strong. That is so particularly when dealing with such a nonsense issue as the filibuster. If it had even been a more crucial measure; but the filibuster? Yes, the filibuster waste still has an edge in the esteemed United States Senate.
I’m wasn’t feeling too inspired today, so I decided to comb Pastor Swank’s archives for one of his “I Believe in Miracles” columns.
If you’re unfamiliar with the Pastor’s “Miracles” series, I’ll recap the highlights for you:
-“The Jacket”: Pastor Swank steals a coat from his church’s goodwill store. He gets into trouble when he makes a missionary visit to a local jail and the guards find a dimebag in the jacket pocket. Pastor Swank gets banned from the jail, but he considers it “a miracle” that he wasn’t arrested for drug possession.
-”The Suitcase” (this one is mysteriously absent from the archives, but I swear I’m not making it up): Pastor Swank adopts of a member of the Crips, and becomes convinced that the young man is out to “do him in.” The kid winds up in jail, but it’s a “miracle” that he never tried to kill Pastor Swank.
-“Faith Survived”: Demons infest Pastor Swank’s church and convince his parishioners that he is “of the devil.” Pastor Swank eventually gets kicked out of his parish, but the story has a happy ending, since the people who conspired against him wind up dead.
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