Apr
29
Posted at 18:00 by Brad
It wasn’t easy, but WorldNetDaily has finally discovered a book that’s even stupider than The Nephilim and the Pyramid of the Apocalypse (in case you don’t remember, The Nephilim was a classic tome of archeological research whose conclusion was that Satan built the pyramids with the help of gigantic demon-human hybrids).
“What could be stupider than The Nephilim?” you ask. Well, you’re about to find out, like it or not. Hold onto your hats, partners, and get ready to read the astonishing tale of… MEGA SHIFT!!!!
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Apr
29
Posted at 1:15 by Brad
Debbie, this is just not healthy…
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Apr
28
Posted at 21:14 by Brad
S.Z. hasn’t posted for the last three days, which wouldn’t be weird for most blogs, but S.Z. hasn’t skipped three straight days since… well, ever. So the staff here at Sadly, No! hope she’s OK. (Note to Yosef: don’t let what I said in WO’C’s comments get you down- with a little more training, I’m sure you’ll make a fine smell-hound.)
In tribute to S.Z., here’s a small Townhall Review (note: “Townhall Review” is trademark and copyright World O’ Crap Productions).
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Apr
27
Posted at 19:54 by Brad
Carey “Oops! I Crapped My Pants” Roberts has a new column up. Those of you familiar with Mr. Roberts’ past work know that he’s kind of insane (and he doesn’t really like women).
The question is- can Carey write a column without sounding paranoid, ignorant and crazy? Let’s read his latest to find out!
New Catholic patriarch may derail Hillary’s White House plans
Carey Roberts
April 26, 2005
After a brief flirtation with compassionate conservatism, Hillary Rodham Clinton has returned to her neo-Marxist ways.
Hm. Looks like the answer is Sadly, No!
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Apr
27
Posted at 13:31 by Sadly, No!
What Steve Martin is to SNL, Kerry L. Marsala is to Sadly, No! You understand why when you take a look at the headline of her latest, work: It’s the Gas Prices Stupid. Kerry isn’t just the same great writer we have come to love — she’s also a comedian:
When it comes to deciding whether we want to drive a gas-guzzler or buy a carton of milk- the milk will win every time. Gas just doesn’t soak up the flavor of our Coco Krispies the way milk does.
But when you need to drive to the grocery store, who wins? Osama?
Those big semi-trucks that deliver our groceries to our local supermarket are feeling the gasoline pinch too[.]
(8) Can you feel the pinch tonight? (8)
The Democrats by majority aren’t big proponents of the ANWR development. However, the only offerings coming from the Democrats so far has been just looking for alternative fuels to be our answer, but implementing such takes time?something many pocketbooks don’t have.
Whereas drilling in the ANWR will produce unleaded fuel (regular, super and extra super) immediately!
While most economist leave out the mathematical equations of how America?s economy is doing in their addition and subtraction game (while playing with our inflation numbers)
Yes, economists (like the ones who work for the President) spend all day doing mathematical equations that don’t look at how the economy is doing. They don’t look at unemployment figures, economic growth or any of those things that have any real world impact. And then, late at night while enjoying a glass of Courvoisier, they play with Kerry’s inflation numbers. (Hey Krugman, see if you can get your inflation numbers to do this.)
…it still feels very real to The Jones’, The Gomez’s, The Slotsky’s and The O’Doul’s family’s down any neighborhood street, USA [...] but frankly sitting here at the bottom of the economic numbers it is iniquitous.
Oh iniquitous — Festivus’ little known cousin.
Sending our kids to college is becoming the number one reason dads who are heads of their households are going bald… it?s called financial stress.
We call it “being married to Kerry L. Marsala.”
Just do your jobs and take care of the fuel pricing…
Kerry wants the government to provide lower prices on a commodity traded internationally and whose supply is controlled by a cartel… now that’s capitalism.
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Apr
26
Posted at 20:23 by Brad
You guys remember that Simpsons episode where the teachers went on strike and the school hired Jasper as a scab? And remember how funny it was because Jasper made a list of offenses that warranted “a paddlin’?” And remember how we all laughed because it seemed like such an arcane and backward punishment?
Well, laugh no more, ’cause one Ohio school district has hired an army of Jaspers:
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Apr
25
Posted at 23:49 by Brad
I wasn’t gonna blog again today, but I discovered this stunning column by Linda Kimball that simply had to be shared. For your reading enjoyment, I give you… “Who is ‘Queering’ America and Why?”
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Apr
25
Posted at 19:15 by Brad
That’s the title of James Atticus Bowden’s latest masterwork at Renew America (and since our very own Seb is a Euro-sissy himself, I’m sure he’ll be taking notes on this):
Why Europe deserves to die
The new Pope understands why Europe will die
James Atticus Bowden
April 24, 2005
When Pope Benedict XVI was Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger he told Europe to recover its Christian roots “if it truly wants to survive.” Amen from an arch-Protestant whose ancestors included refugees who fled Catholic persecution for freedom in Virginia.
Hell yeah! Europe should go back to the good old days, when the Catholic Church persecuted James’ ancestors.
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Apr
23
Posted at 16:27 by Brad
Magic City News, which publishes Pastor Swank’s work, seems to have a knack for finding kooky, inarticulate pundits (and sadly, some of them are Democrats). Let’s check out the highlights:
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Apr
22
Posted at 21:15 by Brad
Kaye’s been working overtime to match Pastor Swank’s prolific output, cuz she’s got three columns up this week. None of them are any good, but let’s take a look at the latest:
Back peddling on immigration issues ho-hum . . . what else is new?
Kaye Grogan
April 22, 2005
It’s hard to believe that someone as astute and able to memorize movie dialogue like California’s Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, could possibly get “closed” mixed up with “secured” when referring to what he meant about the porous Mexican borders and California.
Well, movie actors don’t have to memorize dialogue all at once, especially if they appear in the movies Arnold makes. Remember the first Conan movie, where Arnold had about ten lines (and most of them were “NOOOOOOOO!!!”)?
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Apr
21
Posted at 22:52 by Sadly, No!
Well, it’s time once again to offend whatever remaining readers we might have. Merely a day after discussing Dennis Prager’s “ridig heterosexuality,” it’s time to talk cock:
Do you have a Massive Cock?
As long as it doesn’t experience shrinkage.
Reward yourself with a Personalized kit or compliment a friend or husband!
Sounds just like the thing for our good friend Frederick. Or Ann Coulter.
Impress your friends!! Entice the women !! Show them that you’re one of the big men in town.
Spend $20 on this amazing product now!!
A Personalized* Laminated Cock I.D. Card
* Your first name or Nickname of your Cock
What would be a good nickname for a cock?
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Apr
20
Posted at 21:18 by Sadly, No!
While our distinguished colleagues are taking a closer look (the horror!) at Dennis Prager, there is a short passage worth a closer, closer look:
Since we both agree that largely whom we have sex with and sexual behavior generally are culturally determined, the only question is:
The only question is: how come we haven’t slept with Ana Beatriz Baroz yet if that’s true?
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Apr
20
Posted at 20:07 by Brad
Although S.Z. excerpted it in today’s Townhall Review, I really think Dennis Prager’s latest column deserves a closer look:
College taught her not to be a heterosexual
Dennis Prager
Perhaps the most important argument against same-sex marriage is that once society honors same-sex sex as it does man-woman sex, there will inevitably be a major increase in same-sex sex.
So the most important reason to ban gay marriage is so Dennis doesn’t have to think about other people having icky gay sex. I think he should title his next column “Cooties and the Subversion of Judeo-Christian Values.”
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Apr
19
Posted at 20:32 by Brad
While over at The Rant (a.k.a., Sadly, No!’s source for material when we’re out of ideas) a couple of days ago, I stumbled upon a column by Alan Burkhart called “God, Government and Guarantees.” And as I read the column, I realized that it was, far and away, the stupidest thing ever written.
Seriously, this sucker has everything. We’re talkin’ botched economics. We’re talkin’ inept, Groganesque metaphors. We’re even talkin’ bizarre conspiracy theories that accuse the Republican Party of advancing Communism.
Were I to review such a monstrosity by myself, I’d be driven to complete madness, just like pianist David Helfgott when he tried to play Rachmoninoff’s 3rd concerto.
I decided to recruit a panel of bloggers to help with this Herculian task, including my totally heterosexual blog partners Gavin and Seb, and, for balance, Adam Yoshida (yes, that Adam Yoshida). Now, if you dare, click below the fold to read the terrifying wingnutty horror of Alan Burkhart’s “God, Government and Guarantees.”
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Apr
18
Posted at 23:00 by Sadly, No!
Kaye Grogan unleashes a zoo of metaphors:
You roar like “lions” at the first sign of trouble, and then you run like kittens up a tree cowering ? until the heat in the kitchen has cooled. Instead of sticking up for your colleagues you throw them into the lion’s den and haul freight! In other words ? you look like a bunch of shaking rattles!
Woof.
If I were a politician ? I would sock it to em’ punch for punch. Turning the other cheek in politics is like throwing a chicken in the direction of a fox.
Are you ready for Kaye’s Rock em’ Sock em’ politics?
Let’s face it, politics has always been “down and dirty” ? but now the feuding is getting downright “unbearable.” The snarling can be heard for miles.
They’re not booing, they’re snarling.
The can of worms is now opened and on the move.
Hello Kaye? Is your refrigerator running? (Or: That can of worms is going places!)
Frying pans and euthanasia . . . strange association
And that’s just my medication!
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Apr
16
Posted at 15:56 by Brad
It’s been a while since Pastor Swank wrote one of his biographical essays, so “Pastor Swank’s Story Hour” is on hiatus until further notice.
*sniff*
However, the good pastor has provided us with this rousing account of George W. Bush’s “freedom spread” extending all the way to Nepal:
This morning’s headlines read: “Nepal king pledges civic elections in 2006.”
Thank you, United States President George W. Bush.
There’s hardly any other conclusion that one can reach these days when nation after nation is promising democracy to the people. What’s going on here? Obviously, Operation Iraqi Freedom’s three-week-win war, toppling blood-letting despot Saddam Hussein, has ignited freedom fires here and there.
Yes, the people of Nepal, who are mostly agrarian and have an unemployment rate of 47%, were inspired by Bush launching a war for faulty reasons to rise up and overthrow their tyrannical king.
Of course, that ain’t what’s happening.
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Apr
14
Posted at 21:57 by Brad
Following up on S.Z.’s report about Ann Coulter’s latest “I got pied because I’m an oppressed minority” column, I got an exciting e-mail from David Horowitz today with the subject heading “Radicals Pied Me in Indiana.” He also sent me this swell picture of himself smeared with chocolate:
Wah, wah, waaaaaaah!
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Apr
14
Posted at 19:21 by Brad
Via the American Family Association, we learn that Vicki Courtney, author of such classics as Your Girl: Raising a Godly Daughter in an Ungodly World, is publishing her own “magazine-style book” for teen girls, called TeenVirtue!
While I doubt TeenVirtue will surpass Focus on the Family’s Brio Magazine as the premier mag for fundamentalist teenage girls, I think it’s definitely got potential.
Let’s check out a sample article posted on Vicki’s website:
A common question we get at our events from Christian girls is this:
Q: All my friends are getting their belly button pierced but my parents won’t let me. I don’t understand what the big deal is- I mean, they let me get my ears pierced. What’s the big difference?
A: There is not a Bible verse that says, “Thou shalt not pierce thy belly button…”
Really? I thought the belly button commandment was right after the part where God smites a bunch of Israelites for getting rub-on tattoos…
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Apr
13
Posted at 19:19 by Brad
…I think Mr. Smith’s gonna be right behind Doug in the brain injection line:
The Minuteman Project has been the subject of all sorts of hyperventilating hysteria but it seems that border crossings have dropped incredibly. The leftist media has been trying to sell the image that American civilians are a bunch of standard “gun nut” lunatics who will shoot first and let the buzzards stick around to answer the questions and care for the corpses…
Just like our own jailed convicts, the illegals care nothing about government functionaries and have a much greater fear of armed homeowners and private property protectors.
So apparently, jailed convicts have nothing to fear from government functionaries, especially the government functionaries who arrested them and threw them in jail.
No, the only way to stop jailed convicts (and illegal immigrants, who are just as bad) is to have a bunch of armed homeowners blow them away and let the buzzards answer the questions asked by government functionaries whom nobody cares about.
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Apr
13
Posted at 18:58 by Brad
…Doug Patton will be first in line to receive his shot:
We have taxes on our earned income, capitol gains taxes on our investments, and taxes on virtually everything we use for work or play…
Meanwhile, an underground cash economy of drugs, prostitution, pornography and other vices thrives in America, with its purveyors contributing little or nothing to the overall operation of the country. Foreign tourists travel to the United State every year, leaving behind nothing for the federal coffers, which are left to us — we, the people — to fill with the first fruits of our labor.
Yeah, screw those foreign tourists who come to America, spend money on our goods and services, and raise our GDP. They may say they’re just here to “see the sights,” but don’t be fooled- their diabolical plot to drape a burqa over the Statue of Liberty is well under way.
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