Blogging Election Blogging

We were pretty busy over the weekend (hating America is a full-time job,) and as a result only had so much time to devote to watching coverage of the Iraqi elections. You can imagine our delight, then, when we found out that Roger L. Simon was doing live blogging of the Iraqi elections. We knew we had picked the right place to stop when we read the opening post:

Rivera gets a lot of bad press, but the man has guts and he has a heart. In the old days he was considered a liberal… and he still is in my book. It’s his critics who have gone the other way.

What followed were brief comments on what CNN and FOX were showing, along the lines of this:

7:12 - Back on Fox… showing people voting in Baghdad and somewhere else… so far no violence… fingers crossed.

7:15 - Sunni officials voting early to show the Sunnis that they should vote. Good idea.

Should you care to read the original, you know where to go. What we can offer you are the edited out comments Simon wanted to post, but that were removed by his editors. So we offer: Election Blogging ? la Roger Simon: The Non-Expurgated Version:

7:03 - Did you ever get the feeling like you’ve had a haircut but you didn’t have one?

7:12 - Oh damn, I forgot to buy plant food again… I’ll bet I got a coupon for it.

7:26 - It’s so great that all our hard work is paying off. And I didn’t even get injured!

7:36 - Am I the only one who finds Geraldo’s mustache to be a huge turn on?

8:14 - Oh damn. They changed the cable stations again… just when I finally memorized them.

8:23 - I wonder if Geraldo will call me that I emailed him my phone number through the Talk to Us section of his web site.

8:45 - Once this is over, I’m going to celebrate by buying a new hat.

8:57 - Do you guys think I might be Geraldo’s type?

9:04 - I bet Michael Moore is eating a lot of donuts right now.

9:12 - I don’t like the people who are on CNN talking, so I’m going to turn off my TV.

9:33 - I’m back. Some people got killed when I was away, but not enough for me to care.

9:41 - I bet Geraldo doesn’t have to use AbsorbShun to feel big.

9:49 - I can’t stand these guys. You give your number to them and then they don’t call. Why do they do that?

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Hack in two acts

Wednesday, January 26, 2005:

Bush Urges Iraqis to Vote, Lowers Expectations

Sunday, January 30, 2005:

Rice: Iraqi Election Tops Expectations

Thanks to Blair for the links.

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We are speechless. We have no speech!

Until we solve that little problem, we invite you to check out the following:

Hairy Fish Nuts’ Pissing in the Corner post. Enough said.

busy, busy, busy and The SideShow take a look at Charles Krauthammer’s latest work.

Adam Yoshida 2.0 (now with comments!) is still going strong. Try to imagine, if you can, that Adam wrote the following:

But, to put it bluntly: sitting on your ass and whining about it isn’t going to do anything. I recently read a list of complaints field by something called the “Parents’ Television Council” which, so far as I can tell, is a group of eighty-something women in tennis shoes watching television shows in a desperate, grasping effort to determine how many times the word “dick” is uttered. It’s a complete waste of time.

More from us later today…

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Looks like we might be getting ourselves into a sticky solution

Scott Captain Micro-Penis Koss and Cynthia Her Lady of the Moisture Koss apparently lack a sense of humo(u)r. In the comments to this post, Audra writes:

Just so you know, I started the whole shit storm with this entry and now the AbsorbShun people are threatening to sue me.

Wait until they find out what Annie Jacobsen has been writing about them!

Being the shameless publicity whores that we are, we figure there’s no better way to drum up a little business than being sued by a man with a small penis. (Hey, look what that threat of a suit by Donald Luskin did for Atrios!) With that in mind, we sent a link to this post to Scott “I was in the pool” Kass and Cynthia “Why does it shrink” Kass. This should be fun.

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He’s all yours, Mark, all yours

Mark H. Creech writes:

Since the President made those remarks, the left has had what D. James Kennedy on a broadcast of Scarborough Country referred to as a “collective conniption.” […]

Andrew Sullivan, editor of The New Republic, accused the president of changing the Republican Party “into a semi-religious organization.”

The editor? The left? Happily, No!

Extra bonus points: Mark missed a perfect opportunity to use our line:

But were the president’s remarks terribly removed from the statements of previous presidents? Were they far removed from our nation’s heritage? Sadly, No! Hardly.

Pity that.

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What you do not smell is called AbsorbShun Powder

It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in water, and is one of the deadliest poisons known to man:

If I use AbsorbShun natural powder, is it safe to have oral sex?
Yes, your partner may notice a powder taste, however it is not harmful since AbsorbShun is 100% natural. AbsorbShun is NOT dangerous or harmful if consumed.

World O’Crap has all the juicy details. (Note to the COE: Please send the Ribbon of Shame to the usual address.)

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He makes Yosef look like, well, Yosef

Good news everybody: Justin Darr is coming out of the closet!

The facts in America today are that homosexuals have been elevated to be America’s Super Citizens, above the law to the point where their psychological need for acceptance trounces even the most basic Constitutional rights of others.

Super citizens?

I’m super
No, nothing bugs me
Everything is super when you’re
Don’t you think I look cute in this hat
These little pants, this matching tie
That I got at Vogue

ok, maybe they’re not that super.

What people chose to do in their bedrooms should be a private matter unless they are homosexual, then their sexual choices should be taught in the public schools, celebrated in the media, and warrant preferential treatment in the workplace.

This sounds familiar:

Now, old woman — you are accused of heresy on three counts — heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action — *four* counts. Do you confess?

Let us go back to the bedrooms:

What people chose to do in their bedrooms should be a private matter unless they are homosexual, then their sexual choices should be taught in the public schools, celebrated in the media, and warrant preferential treatment in the workplace.

We’re not the first to ask, and we’d guess we’ve even asked that question before, but what schools are wingnuts attending where homosexuality is “taught?”

The duplicity and elitism of the homosexual activists is undeniable. They see the law as something applying to others, but never themselves.

Which explains why homosexuals are always going around pillaging while singing Everybody Dance Now. This was another case busted wide open by Justin — thank you, Justin. Hey, we wish we had a pencil-thin mustache, then we could solve some mysteries too.

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An email we never sent…

For those interested in such things, our new undisclosed occupation requires us to interact with our employer’s customers, which means that we sometimes get emails like this:

I just want to say that your company suck.

Sadly, being required to be somewhat polite prevents us from replying with gems such as:

So do your English.

Luckily, there is Sadly, No!

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What if their genitals are on fire?

When we launched the Festivus Caption Contest in 2003, we had no idea what kind of trouble we might be getting into:

OCALA, Florida (AP) — Two boys were arrested for making pencil-and-crayon stick figure drawings depicting a 10-year-old classmate being stabbed and hung, police said. The children, charged with a felony, were taken from school in handcuffs.

The 9- and 10-year-old boys were arrested Monday and charged with making a written threat to kill or harm another person. They were also suspended from school.

Arrested. Yes, arrested.

Thanks to Blair for the link.

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This is the blog and we’re not going to change it

Well, after many humiliating defeats, we smell a real opportunity for redemption. The kind people of A Fistful Euros have launched the first ever Satin Pajama Awards. Sadly, No! (”by Seb”) has been nominated. (Scroll down to Best Humorous [yes, humoroUs!] Blog, have a shot, forget about Chase me ladies, I’m in the cavalry being nominated, and vote for us.) Then, delete your cookies, access the nearest anonymous proxy, and vote again.

Together, we can live the dream. Because the idea of winning popularity contests has not, multiple defeats notwithstanding, been debunked. It is totally bunk. Go!

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Shorter Mark Helprin

Our Blindness

Never mind terrorists — we need to prepare ourselves for the next wave of the bubonic plague. Also, the Chinese invasion.

Idea stolen from busy, busy, busy, who stole it from Daniel Davies.

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Who’s afraid of Montana?

Looks like Brad Reed, of BradBlog 3000, is:

Montana rocks. There, I said it, OK? I love Montana.

Then again, he has his reasons:

Why? Because it’s like some grand social experiment where you take every paranoid, anti-social freakbag who can’t function in normal society and stick ‘em together in one place just to see what happens.

And, if Wing Nut Daily is to be believed, this is what happens:

To be continued here…

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These are a few of our favorite comments

Did you miss them the first time around?

The first time we mocked Justin Darr, someone posted:

JUSTIN IS RIGHT.NONE OF YOU ARE SHIT.YOU WONT TELL WHAT YOU THINK.YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF COWARDLY BITCHES.

Responding to one of our first Amber Pawlik posts, Bernard Chapin chimed in with:

AMBER HAS FAKE TITTIES!

Meanwhile, writing about Prussian Blue led to the following comment:

You liberals have had your day. Ours is coming, and you’d better get out of our way. Lynx and Lamb are only the beginning. Your kids will listen to ours, just as you listened to rap and hiphop.

The day when the Jewish fable of the Holocaust is regarded as inerrant scripture is nearly over. Your doctrines have been exposed as lies by evidence that will gain credibility every day, try as you will to deride it.

Back at The Dickification of the Western Female essay (brings back memories, doesn’t it?) someone is channeling Newt Gingrich’s spirit:

Christina, look between your legs and you will find a baby factory. This area of your body has a natural purpose, to reproduce, sex is made pleasurable to ensure that we do reproduce. With our advanced civilization we seem to forget the simple fact that we are animals. […] The man is now exhausted having been hunting all morning. The woman, however, is not, so it would make sense for the woman to prepare and serve the food. The man exhausts himself to produce the food and in return the woman prepares it for him and wishes to have children with him as he provides for her well. Both man and woman recieve mutual benefit.

We’ll just be hoping the last two commenters were kidding. What kidders.

Last and least, some love for everyone and a special message for Dr. BDH:

You people are fuckin losers & lets see this lame libby head up your asses pantywaist of a message board get spammed with tons of profanity laced nonsensical garbage postings and we’ll se how long it remains open to the general public!

Oh BTW Hey Dr. BDH WHY DONT YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF AND I’LL GLADELY ASSIST WITH MICHELLE’S BOINKING HERSELF PERSONALLY!!

So there you have it. A new post made from old trash.

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We’re Sadly, No! and we approve this memo

Wunderdog offers an idea whose time has come:

It has come to the attention of management that this winter season has produced a notable number of forecasts for freezing rain and drizzle. Not a Midwestern day seems to go by when freezing rain and drizzle are not called for. Because of this, we would like to keep with the forward looking nature of our profession and institute an efficient change in the name of the atmospherical phenomenon formerly known as freezing rain and drizzle.

Hence forth, freezing rain and drizzle will be referred to as frizzle. It becomes obvious when listening to weather reports that the cumbersome phrase ‘freezing rain and drizzle’ is a hazardous stumbling block for many normally well-spoken weathermen, and so management has unanimously decided that it be amended to frizzle.

We can’t help but wonder how Ms. Frizzle feels about the whole thing though.

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He wants to write Bush’s name on his t-shirt right about now

David Brooks loves the President Bush:

Two years from now, no one will remember the spending or the ostrich-skin cowboy boots. But Bush’s speech, which is being derided for its vagueness and its supposed detachment from the concrete realities, will still be practical and present in the world, yielding consequences every day.

With that speech, President Bush’s foreign policy doctrine transcended the war on terror. He laid down a standard against which everything he and his successors do will be judged.

We read that passage a few times, and the stupidity of it only gets better with every reading. By Brooks’ standards, the mere fact that Bush read some fancy words written for him will allow him (well, really, them) to attribute any and all good news to Bush. [It’s an especially great contrast to our friend Kevin’s blaming Clinton for abortion rates or teen pregnancy.] Anything and everything bad that happened during the period 1992-2000 (and beyond, see 11, September) can be blamed on Clinton. Anything and everything good that happened after that is thanks to Bush.

Nice day out today? Bush did that. Your DVD player is broken? Clinton!

When he goes to China, he will not be able to ignore the political prisoners there, because he called them the future leaders of their free nation. When he meets with dictators around the world, as in this flawed world he must, he will not be able to have warm relations with them, because he said no relations with tyrants can be successful.

So what is he going to do about the prisoners in China, Captain Democracy? As for dictators, you might want to take a look at the coalition of the willing one more time. Brooks manages to state the obvious about past US policy (”the U.S. government […] support[ed] strongmen to rule over them because they happened to be our strongmen) but upon hearing Bush being the latest president to say the US loves all things freedom and democracy, Brooks just can’t help breaking into a rendition of This Time I Know It’s For Real.

It may be comforting to Brooks to think that the US was “forced” to do many unpleasant things by the Cold War, but the plain to anyone with an IQ above room temperature reason we (the West) put up with/support/cajole/sell weapons to or admire the soul of tyrants/despots/brutal dictators/chemical weapons users is that we need their oil/cheap imports/support in some random struggle with someone even worse/access to their pipeline. Everyday low prices, anyone?

Bush’s speech isn’t going to change any of that. It’s obviously managed to make Brooks feel a lot better about himself (and his country,) which, granted, is something. As for the rest? Sadly, No!

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