Some Closets Should Never Be Opened

Seb’s cryptic last words to me before leaving for his vacation had been: “No matter what happens, you must not look in my closet. Do you understand?” I’d nodded absently and then promptly forgotten all about his warning.

When I got to his house the next day, though, I found a hastily scrawled note from somebody named “Amber P” claiming she was locked in a closet. Being the valiant sort, I thought maybe I should have a look. But then S.Z. told me Amber was a fictional character Seb had made up to convince people he’s a heterosexual. I doubted his little scam would convince anybody but it did seem like the kind of stunt he’d pull and I again forgot all about her.

And then this happened.

When I woke up this morning, I heard some strange scraping sounds from the general direction of the closet and, curiosity getting the best of me, decided to have a look (May God have mercy on my soul).

Imagine my surprise when I opened the closet to find a not-unattractive girl locked in a cage. Not only that but she was wearing one of those Hannibal Lechter masks. Her eyes started to bug out as soon as she saw me and she began to make a series of unintelligible and muffled noises.

‘Just what kind of monster is Seb?’ I thought. ‘How could he do a thing like this?!’ I immediately reached over to remove her mask and, after wiping the foam from my hands, was treated to this:

Leftists at the Democratic Convention this week are saying that they were united with the country on September 12, 2001. (And then the big bad Republicans waged war and divided everybody). I was in a hot spot of leftism on September 11, 2001, on campus, and I can say: like hell they were.

Uh…You’re welcome? But then I guessed she’d probably had a lot of time to think about this and I decided to humor her.

On September 13, 2001, after Penn State did not call classes off, I walked into an English class, and the first question we were asked was, ?What did we do to deserve this?? What followed was a lecture on how only the irrational would want to retaliate to what happened.

I remembered how right after the attacks psychologists said that canceling work and school might actually be detrimental to people because they’d have no way to channel their energies and focus their thoughts. Even so, Amber made it sound like the people at Penn State were pretty cold bastards and I thought I’d better check her story out. Especially since one of my friends is a PSU grad and a noted Blame-America-Firster.

A quick trip over to the Penn State website, however, led me to this statement issued by the President of the University on September 11th:

Because of the emotional crisis that such events evoke in all of us, we are hoping that faculty, when comfortable doing so, will use their classrooms to help our students search for answers and cope with this tragedy.

For students who are unable to attend class, or who feel that they are not yet psychologically prepared to do so, we are asking faculty to show compassion and flexibility in addressing student concerns about attendance.

Well, you know, if you’re locked in a cage, you’re bound to be a little foggy.

After students started hanging up American flags in patriotic fever around campus and talked about joining the military, the left screeched at us that we were nothing but mindless patriotic dolts with blood lust. (So much for ?unity.?)

I found this a bit difficult to believe. Even in the Castro District here in San Francisco (a more liberal neighborhood I cannot imagine) there were American flags as far as the eye could see. Shop owners wanted to show their pride in America so badly that when they didn’t have actual flags, they filled their windows with glittery red, white, and blue rave t-shirts.

I went to a ?pro peace? rally hosted by leftists (to protest it) before any action was taken by the United States ? before the war in Iraq and Afghanistan.

You go, girl! There’s nothing quite so patriotic as protesting peace!

The only thing the left screamed at us in the days and weeks that followed September 11, 2001 was, ?WHY DO THEY HATE US?? They had nothing but sympathy for terrorists and disdain for America. They were so loud that we gave them a name: Blame America First-ers.

I was beginning to see why Seb kept her in the closet.

Planting seeds of moral guilt and promoting an anti-war agenda came from the left since September 11, 2001. For them to stomp their feet and announce they were united then, and the Republicans are evil for waging war against terrorist regimes in the Middle East is the height of absurdity.

Terrorist regimes?

Apparently what they wanted us to do was nothing, and be the suffering victim forever, gaining the sympathy of the rest of the world (in order to ?stay united?).

Which is why the left overwhelmingly supported action in Afghanistan and the real war against actual terrorists.

What is ?divisive? about taking out someone like Saddam Hussein? Let me explain the war in simple terms, understandable to the left: Saddam Hussein was a bad man, we are at war with an entire culture that wants us destroyed, and taking him out can do nothing but good. There is nothing about this that is too terrible.

I now realized there’d be nothing too terrible about closing that closet door again, too.

You have free speech in this country, even to cripple your own countrymen and soldiers during war time. But when you do it, don?t expect the rest of the country to forget it. Leftists, we remember your treason.

And with that, Amber punched me in the ribs, causing me to lose my balance momentarily. Unfortunately, she used the opportunity to escape from her cage. Once she was out, she began to run madly through the house.

“Loony loony loony!” she squawked as she hopped from chair to chair, wearing nothing but Seb’s Bananarama t-shirt and a crazed grin. I dove for her but narrowly missed and crashed into a potted fern.

“Woop woop woop!” she shrieked, bursting through the front door and out into the Stuttgart night. I gave chase briefly but lost her when she ran into traffic. Seb always told me she was fast…I’d just figured he meant something else.

Anyway, I must now warn you all that Amber Pawlik is on the loose. Should you see her, please notify Interpol or the local Polizei immediately.

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Vox Day Explains Education

With the sounds of “loony loony loony” echoing in my head, I decided to head over to Vox Day’s blog. If you don’t know Vox, he’s a widely-celebrated World Net Daily columnist, an avid gun collector, and the Hans Zeiger of his generation.

After reading his latest entry about forced cliterectomies and the NEA, I can only conclude that he’s angling for the job of Education Secretary in a future Bush administration.

I happened to scan a few pages of a chick book the other day. It’s called Princess, and it purports to be the true story of a Saudi Arabian princess. I have to say, I was largely left cold by the plight of the poor oppressed rich girls, as with a few exceptions, the most horrific events of the book were the predictable and easily avoidable consequences of the young women’s actions.

The ever-sensitive Vox goes on to describe clitorectomies the girls are forced to endure and then draws a somewhat unusual parallel.

A disgusting practice, to be sure, and defended with an argument similar to that made by public school-educated parents who are planning to subject their children to the same education they experienced. The fact that these parents are as intellectually dead as the Saudi women are sensually crippled means that they are making their decisions on the false grounds of incomplete experience. In both cases, I think those who condemn their children to like fates have much for which to answer, as one’s own abuse, physical or intellectual, should inspire one to act to prevent the same from happening to the next generation instead of allowing the vicious cycle to be repeated.

Yeah…Education. Don’t let it happen to your kids.

When one understands that the teachers of the NEA are every bit as ignorant and prejudiced as the mutawas of Saudi Arabia, and that they serve much the same societal purpose, one soon discovers in oneself as little inclination to hand one’s children over to the former as to the latter.

So instead of trusting teachers, perhaps you should consider handing your children over to this man:

Vox Day, undated file photo

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Essential Reading

I would like to take a moment to point you to two excellent pieces elsewhere in the blogosphere:

The lovely S.Z. (a woman whose legendary beauty is celebrated even in syndicated cartoons) has written a terrific piece over at World O’Crap that mentions many of the elements we talked about here today: McDonald’s, terrorism, housewives, attacks on commuter railway systems, and the Washington Times. Amazingly, it has nothing to do with either NewsMax or Subway.

And the equally lovely Liz from Blondesense shares the heartwarming story of a devoted man of God who decided to take our fearless President seriously. If only others were so brave in their service to the Bushman.

So please go check them out. I promise that they’re both far funnier and more informative than anything you’ll read here during the next few days.

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An Important Update: Subway Blames America First!

Well, the Subway tray liner controversy that we first discussed here yesterday seems to be gaining momentum. GOPUSA has a new piece entitled Subway Serves Up Anti-Americanism to German Customers.

In addition to reiterating Tom DeLay’s ridiculous assertions that the tray liner promotes “Michael Moore’s blame-America-first conspiracy in a foreign country,” our friends at the GOP provide us with some shocking new developments.

The National Legal and Policy Center has called on Subway to immediately stop the promotion it says is designed to exploit anti-American sentiment in countries like Germany.

You know, anti-American sentiments like good health and better eating.

Chairman Ken Boehm said, “Subway has defined a new low in corporate behavior with this campaign.”

Yeah, next to this, Ken Lay looks like a saint. After all, he never would have told people that eating fast food was unhealthy!

He added, “Inflaming cultural tensions to increase market share is immoral and dangerous. Americans deserve to know about Subway’s campaign to insult us abroad and to attack our national symbols.”

I guess that makes it official. In the eyes of the GOP, we are now The United States of McDonald’s.

And as if that wasn’t enough, Kerri Houston, Vice President of Policy for an organization called Frontiers of Freedom, had this to say in a letter to Subway:

“Your support of Morgan Spurlock and Subway’s promoting him as the “new” far left Michael Moore are very troubling. Both men’s misleading and factually dishonest ‘documentaries’ advance a ‘Blame America First’ message.”

I think maybe Kerri’s had one too many supersized sodas. Better lay off the caffeine, sweetie.

If you want to see just what it is that the Wing Nuts find so incredibly horrific, here’s a large format version of the Subway tray liner we discussed yesterday.

For those of you who don’t read German, the text basically tells the story of how Morgan Spurlock, the guy who made the film, ate nothing but McDonald’s food for 30 days and how this caused him to gain 25 pounds and alarmed his doctors by causing a rapid decline in his health.

It goes on to describe Spurlock’s exploration of the massive fast food industry (and its effects on health) and then says that Spurlock delivers an ironic blow to the stomach with his take on the shady “Mega-industry.”

In other words, it’s all pure anti-American propoganda designed to rip our country from its very foundations. I wouldn’t be surprised if John Kerry’s behind the whole thing.

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“All Too Believable”

The Wing Nuts have been dancing around furiously these past few days, shrieking about France’s overwhelming anti-Semitism (it must be true if Ariel Sharon says it!) and warning that the Euro-libs are welcoming waves of militant Islamists with open arms.

Arnaud de Borchgrave, international playboy and NewsMax columnist extraordinarie, decided the time was right to remind us all of a chilling incident that happened on the Paris RER earlier this month. His frightening new column is called Daily Terror Diet.

BERLIN ? The report of the 23-year-old French housewife who was riding a suburban commuter train with her 3-year-old child in a stroller when six North African youths (aged 15 to 20) advanced on her, knives drawn, is now being questioned as police discovered the woman’s troubled past.

He makes it sound an awful lot like the French police are still trying to gather evidence about the attackers of this unfortunate woman. Those North Africans must have been pretty sneaky to leave so few clues. Or maybe the French government doesn’t want them to be found…

The story she tells is that the youths shredded her T-shirt and pants, held her head down on the floor as she screamed “Help!” A score of other passengers looked on in silence, too frightened to intervene.

Well, obviously. The other passengers are French, after all.

Rifling through her pocketbook, one attacker found her ID and shouted, “She’s Jewish,” which she wasn’t.

Not only are the attackers anti-Semitic, they?re stupid, too. Looks like somebody could have benefited from the Bushman’s No Child Left Behind plan.

With a marker pen, they daubed her stomach with three Nazi swastikas, then fled for the exit at the next station, knocking over the stroller and spilling out the child. The conductor said his train on the “RER D” line was a mobile housing slum where the cops fear to tread.

Pretty scary story, huh? The magical Wing Nut elements are all there. The aggressive black guys who also happen to be Muslim. The cowardly French who won?t even protect a woman with a small child. The blatant anti-Semitism in the world?s most hate-filled country. The rising Islamic tide that will soon engulf Europe.

There?s just one small problem?

None of it?s true!

Being a true Blame-America-Firster (and also having family that lives along the D line), I watched both French and American coverage of this story pretty closely. As soon as the story broke on July 13th, it was all over the American conservative media. What most people in the US don?t realize is that only 24 hours later, there was a somewhat shocking follow-up. Needless to say, it never got much coverage amongst the Nuts.

Let?s go to T?l?France 1 for the part of the story you probably never heard at NewsMax. [Translations mine]

Questioned a second time by investigators Tuesday afternoon, the young woman who claimed she was attacked on the RER D has now confessed to inventing the whole thing.

Really?

After having first maintained to investigators that she had been assaulted outside the train, a police source said that she finally admitted that she made up the entire story of anti-Semtitc aggression. She confessed that she drew the swastikas on her own stomach with the aid of her boyfriend, who has also been placed under observation.

Arnie seems to know about this but he doesn’t mention it. Because if he did, well, that would kind of ruin his whole point, you know? And then he couldn’t finish his article about how the radical Islamofascists are taking over Europe, one housewife at a time. So instead, he simply says this:

True or not, the woman’s story was all too believable.

NewsMax in a nutshell, ladies and gentlemen! Who cares if the story’s true as long as it supports their goofball ideas!

Arnaud de Borchgrave

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Tom DeLay’s Six-Inch Fear

I just watched John Edwards? electrifying speech on Seb?s giant plasma TV (guest-blogging certainly has its privileges) and started wishing I could be as good-looking and charismatic as he is (Edwards, certainly not Seb). I figured the best way to start would be to wander down the street and try to find something healthy to eat for a change.

This being Germany, the only remotely healthy food I could find was at the Stuttgart Subway (the restaurant, not the U-Bahn). Just imagine my surprise when I leaned over to bite into my 6″ Turkey Club and saw this terrifying phrase written on the tray liner:

Warum sind die Amis so fett?

(Why are Americans so fat?)

My first reaction was to throw my sandwich back onto the tray in disgust. How dare these godless German socialists imply that Americans aren’t all svelte, terrorist-slaying Uebermenschen! Preparing to wash down my anger with a large gulp of good old American soda, I picked up my drink only to find a creepy face leering back at me.

It looked like this:

Upon closer inspection, it turned out that I was looking at a promotional tie-in for the film Super Size Me which is just now opening here in Deutschland (Jetzt im Kino!). I?d actually seen the movie back home and, realizing my error, sat back with a sigh of relief. In the film, Subway is quite positively portrayed as a healthy alternative to the horrific fare usually provided by the American fast food conglomerates and the tie-in actually seems like a good idea.

Unfortunately, somebody far more patriotic than I saw the tray and wasn?t at all amused.

A super-sized Statue of Liberty, holding aloft an order of french fries, is adorning food tray liners in Subway restaurants across Germany. And House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Sugar Land, is angry enough about it to lose his lunch.

It’s amazing how often I find both “Tom DeLay” and “losing one’s lunch” in the same sentence.

“This is every bad stereotype about corporate America come true,” DeLay said in a news release.

That’s an interesting comment. Is DeLay mad because he thinks it’s anti-American or because he thinks it’s anti-corporate? On second thought, the two are probably synonymous in his mind. We are talking, after all, about the man who once visited a notorious sweat shop (which he was trying to promote as a new model for American industry) and said with a laugh, “I saw some of those factories. They were air conditioned. I didn’t see anyone sweating.”

The same man who was recently profiled by the Washington Post in an article entitled DeLay?s Corporate Fundraising Investigated.

“I guess for some companies, corporate patriotism is as flexible as Jared’s waistline,” DeLay said.

Yeah, corporate patriotism. Sounds like a perfect subject for Tom:

On his desk he keeps a list of the 400 largest political action committees and the amounts and percentages they’ve contributed to Republicans and Democrats. Those committees that have given heavily to the GOP are labeled “friendly,” the others “unfriendly.” He also pressures corporations and trade groups to fire Democrats and hire Republicans as their lobbyists. Says DeLay, “We’re just following the adage of punish your enemies and reward your friends.

Nice guy, huh?

Does it surprise you to learn that this puritanical powerhouse won’t be getting a lot of public attention at next month’s Republican Convention? You know, the Republicans…the people currently screaming that John Kerry is hiding the true nature of his party.

DeLay objected to the ad’s parody of the Statue of Liberty, “one of the most recognizable American symbols.”

Do you think he knows the Statue of Liberty was a gift from the French?

And he complained about the flier including a quote from filmmaker and “pathological partisan” Michael Moore, whose anti-Bush diatribe Fahrenheit 9/11 has become the Democrats’ choice for best picture.

For the record, the liner made no mention of Fahrenheit 9/11. DeLay is basically saying that it?s now un-American to mention Michael Moore. Here?s what’s really on the liner:

Moore is quoted as saying, “The only time I have been scared for my life has been going through a McDonald’s drive-through.”

How does Tom interpret that?

DeLay said, “For Subway to thumb its nose at its American customers and promote Michael Moore’s blame-America-first conspiracy in a foreign country is very concerning.”

After reading that sentence, I can think of several other things that are “very concerning” too.

DeLay was unavailable for comment Tuesday. But spokesman Jonathan Grella said, “When folks criticize America, especially at this sensitive time, we’re obviously going to stand up and defend our country.”

Thank God for patriots like Tom who aren’t afraid to blast those who would question America’s physical health during this “sensitive time.” For Tom will be the very first to tell you that if fries have the word “freedom” in them, then they couldn’t possibly be unhealthy!

Well, either that or everybody’s second-favorite Texan is just hopping-mad about this:

It also is a touchy Houston issue. Men’s Fitness magazine ranked Houston as the nation’s fattest city three years running, until finally coney dog-chomping Detroit took the honors last year.

When it all boils down, I think Tom?s biggest problem with that Statue of Liberty cartoon is that it bears such a frightening resemblance to him.

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A Short Thank You Note

I would very much like to thank everybody (minus Glenstonecottage, of course) for the warm welcome offered in yesterday’s comments section.

For the record, I have no idea what kinds of “scams” S.Z. is talking about but I do know that I certainly haven’t received any $5,000 check. Although Seb did tell me that if I don’t break anything while he’s gone, he’ll let me look in his closet when he gets back. He also told me that if I look in it before, he’ll break every one of my fingers so that I’ll never be able to blog again.

So yeah, I’ll probably be having a look as soon as I finish this post.

As far as Arsenal goes, Brad, I don’t even want to think about the Patrick Viera thing. Who would have thought a Frenchman could be so treacherous?

And Ivan…I appreciate the quote but I’m no Ruby Keeler. In fact, I think Cagney’s famous last line in White Heat is probably more appropriate. I doubt I’m the only one who foresees this guest-blogging adventure ending in like fashion.

For those of you who enjoy these kinds of apocalyptic conflagrations, I invite you over to the Dark Window to find out why believing in hell will vastly improve our national economy.

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“Who the hell are you and what have you done with Seb?”

Okay, okay?Pipe down, everybody. My name?s Pete M. and I?m a friend of Seb?s (although I?m assuming that will change once he gets back and finds out what I did to his blog). You may already know me from my own site: The Dark Window. If you don?t, well…Hi, I?m Pete.

Seb called me up last week and told me he needed somebody to fill in for him while he went out of town. This hypothetical guest blogger, he said, would have to uphold the extremely high standards of professionalism, humor, and intellectual honesty to which he adheres.

After we finally finished laughing, I said I?d do it.

Seb was a little vague about where he?s going but I managed to catch a glimpse of his ticket. Okay, actually I just rummaged through his bag when he wasn?t looking. I don?t want to give away private personal information so I?ll just say that his destination started with a ?G,? ended with an ?O,? and had a ?uantanam? in the middle.

He told me he wasn?t leaving until Wednesday morning but judging by his mysterious disappearance (and the fact that he forgot to leave a key) I think those warm tropical breezes must have been too much to resist and he left on an earlier flight. Fortunately, I managed to let myself in.

I had to wander around Seb?s house for quite a while before I finally found the legendary Sadly, No! blogging computer. For one thing, it was down in the basement. For another, it was buried under massive piles of German porn, discarded Haribo wrappers, and old Seinfeld tapes.

Anyway, I?m here now and…wait…there seems to be a note. Maybe it?s from Seb.

Please help! I?m being held hostage here against my will and forced to perform sexual favors for Seb. I haven?t eaten in days and these chains are starting to tear into my flesh. I can?t understand why nobody?s noticed my absence. Won?t somebody PLEASE help me?! Won?t somebody PLEASE look in the closet?! ? Amber P.

Hm. I wonder what that?s all about. Well, anyway, I?ll be here for the next 10 days or so, trying my best to keep you entertained.

And just in case you?re wondering whether or not I have the anti-American credentials to substitute for Seb, I?ll just say this: I voted for Barbara Lee.

Twice.

Should you feel a need to contact somebody while Seb?s away, please send me an e-mail at darkwindowpete@yahoo.com. Seb conveniently ?forgot? to give me the password for his e-mail. On the bright side, though, his liquor cabinet was quite easily opened with little more than a large hammer.

So help yourself to a glass of Riesling and then sit back, relax, and prepare to be horrified…

Update: Imagine my surprise when Seb came home right as I was posting this entry. Well, he’s leaving in a minute anyway. Let’s just hope he doesn’t see the liquor cabinet before he goes…

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Multilateralism: Don’t Be Caught With Your Pants Down

Over at the Dark Window we’ve been ‘covering the coverage’ of the Democratic National Convention. Yesterday, we learned that the Christian Broadcasting Network has hired Zombie Pilgrims to provide a conservative Christian analysis of the proceedings. Today, we’re going to change gears slightly and look at a conservative counterpoint to one of the main arguments put forth by the Democrats yesterday: the idea that the world has become less safe since we’ve alienated our friends and decided to handle things the Bushman way.

Fortunately, Joseph Farah, editor and CEO of the highly-acclaimed conservative “news” source World Net Daily, has offered several fine arguments to counter evildoers like Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton.

So much for multinational coalitions

When the Philippine government agreed to terrorist demands to withdraw its troops from Iraq, it illustrated once more the problem with multinational coalitions.

Kind of like how when Joseph Farah agreed to start World Net Daily, it illustrated once more the problem with Wing Nuttery. Want an example? One needn?t look any further than Joe?s reason for disliking multinational coalitions.

This is what John Kerry wants.

This is what Kofi Annan wants.

This is what Ted Kennedy wants.

This is what Jacques Chirac wants.

Sometimes I think Joe wouldn?t wear pants if he could help it ? simply because Jacques Chirac does.

They don’t want the United States to take any unilateral military action to defend its national interests and the security of its people.

What sane person does want that? It?s hard for me to imagine a time when acting alone is preferable to acting in concert with dedicated allies. Since Joe likes to spout scripture so much, perhaps he should take a fresh look at Ecclesiastes 4:12:

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

One might even say that Mr. Farah?s espousing a decidedly anti-Biblical position!

And for the record…In spite of the fact that John Kerry doesn?t want us to fight all of our battles alone, he?s on the record saying he?d do it if necessary. The Wing Nuts seem to have trouble remembering this.

They want the United States to take all the risks, pay all the costs, bear all the burdens in protecting itself and the rest of the free world, but only if it can do so with the acquiescence and cooperation of many other nations who have little at risk.

Am I reading that correctly? Did he really just say that Kerry and company want multinational coalitions because it means we?ll have to pay all the costs and take all the risks?

Why don?t you put your pants back on, Joe, and give these matters a little more thought.

The United States built such a coalition in Iraq. Some 36 nations have been involved ? though, admittedly, only a few are making significant sacrifices in their commitments.

Kind of makes you wonder if our beloved Bushman’s coalition is really all he made it out to be.

But such coalitions, unfortunately, are only as strong as their weakest links ? as the world has witnessed with Spain’s capitulation to terrorism and now the Philippines’ unconditional surrender.

And since a coalition is only as strong as its weakest link, we should never enter into one again because nobody else is as strong as we. USA! USA! USA!

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Joe’s right. We’re probably better off not having any friends. Or maybe he?s just sore because his friends don?t want to hang around him any more since he?s stopped wearing pants.

Let’s be sure the next time we enter into one of these multinational coalitions that we are doing it for the right reasons.

It shouldn’t be a numbers game. It shouldn’t be a big show. It shouldn’t be about the numbers of flags we have waving in our force. It shouldn’t be about diversity and political correctness. It should be about one thing ? winning the war.

Hey, Joe might actually have something there!

We’d be better off with a troop of Girl Scouts in our coalition than a 51-member outfit that is going to cut and run at the first sign of danger to one of its citizens.

We?d be better off still if we had an actual coalition dedicated to a common vision of fighting terrorism.

Let this be a lesson to all those wedded to the idea of these misguided, phony, show-and-tell alliances.

Uh, yeah. That actually sounds like a pretty good lesson. Not sure it’s the point Joe wanted to make, though.

Joseph Farah (state of attire thankfully unknown)

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A Vacation… from Ourselves?

Granted, we don’t need a vacation because of our output from the last few days, which has consisted of us posting other people’s work. Nevertheless, we won’t let that stop us — and so it is that we say so long suckers beloved readers — see you in 8 days. Because we know that many of you (i.e. Frederick) depend on the witty commentary that sporadically finds its way onto Sadly, No!, we’ve arranged for a very special guest blogger to fill some of the void while we’re away.

Most of you know him as the future Mr. Sheri Valera, although to us he will always be the former Mr. Ann Coulter. We speak of course of Pete M. from The Dark Window.

So while Pete is keeping you entertained please be sure to treat him as you would treat us, and we’ll see you at the end of next week.

Love,

Sadly, No!

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We got mail

Last May, a “letter from dad” about the war started going around the internet. It was billed as “non political,” although in this particular case non political meant “only a loser wouldn’t vote for George Bush.” A regular correspondent of Sadly, No! and former blogger sent us his thoughts and we copy selected portions of the letter, and his comments, below. (Comments are in italics.)

THE WORLD SITUATION - A LETTER TO MY SONS
This was written by a retired attorney, to his sons, May 19, 2004.

Dear Tom, Kevin, Kirby and Ted,

As your father, I believe I owe it to you to share some thoughts on the present world situation. We have over the years discussed a lot of important things, like going to college, jobs and so forth. But this really takes precedence over any of those discussions. I hope this might give you a longer term perspective that fewer and fewer of my generation are left to speak to. To be sure you understand that this is not politically flavored, I will tell you that since Franklin D. Roosevelt, who led us through pre and WWII (1933 - 1945) up to and including our present President, I have without exception, supported our presidents on all matters of international conflict. […]

First, let’s examine a few basics:
1. When did the threat to us start?
Many will say September 11th, 2001. The answer as far as the United States is concerned is 1979, 22 years prior to September 2001, with the following attacks on us: Iran Embassy Hostages, 1979; Beirut, Lebanon Embassy 1983; Beirut, Lebanon Marine Barracks 1983; Lockerbie, Scotland Pan-Am flight to New York 1988; First New York World Trade Center attack 1993; Dhahran, Saudi Arabia Khobar Towers Military complex 1996; Nairobi, Kenya US Embassy 1998; Dar es Salaam, Tanzania US Embassy 1998; Aden, Yemen USS Cole 2000; New York World Trade Center 2001; Pentagon 2001. […]

. Yeah, it sure was fucked up that Iraq did all those things. Oh? wait?

. I don’t blame the peaceful Muslims. What would you do if the choice was shut up or die?

Odd, considering that, at the end of this letter he suggests there are not “peaceful Muslims.”

The plan was clearly to terrorist attack us until we were neutered and submissive to them.

When did “terrorist attack” become a verb?

They will pick off the other non-Muslim nations, one at a time. It will be increasingly easier for them. They already hold Spain hostage. It doesn’t matter whether it was right or wrong for Spain to withdraw its troops from Iraq. Spain did it because the Muslim terrorists bombed their train and told them to withdraw the troops. Anything else they want Spain to do, will be done. Spain is finished.

Funny, but it seems to me that Spain was about to undergo a “regime change” due to Iraq well before the attack. Spaniards didn’t want their people in Iraq.

Our one hope on France is that they might see the light and realize that if we don’t win, they are finished too, in that they can’t resist the Muslim terrorists without us. However, it may already be too late for France. France is already 20% Muslim and fading fast.

Weird. We’ve gone from talking about Muslim terrorists to just saying that Muslims themselves are the problem.

We gave up plenty of civil rights during WWII and immediately restored them after the victory and in fact added many more since then. Do I blame President Bush or President Clinton before him? No, I blame us for blithely assuming we can maintain all of our Political Correctness and all of our civil rights during this conflict and have a clean, lawful, honorable war. None of those words apply to war. Get them out of your head.

Put me on the side of Ben Franklin on this one, “They that can give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.” In the grand scheme of history, the “War on Terror” is but a battle in the greater war for what is right. If America becomes a different place - a more martial, less free place - because of the terrorists, then what would we win by winning?

Some have gone so far in their criticism of the war and/or the Administration that it almost seems they would literally like to see us lose. [Who would that be?] I hasten to add that this isn’t because they are disloyal. It is because they just don’t recognize what losing means. Nevertheless, that conduct gives the impression to the enemy that we are divided and weakening, it concerns our friends, and it does great damage to our cause.

Nice. So I want the United States to lose a war because I opposed it, but it’s not because I’m disloyal, only stupid. It couldn’t possibly be because I didn’t want a bunch of Americans to die needlessly or to be seen as attacking a Muslim country which hadn’t attacked us, making us look even worse in the eyes of other Muslim countries.

We have recently had an issue involving the treatment of a few Muslim prisoners of war by a small group of our military police. These are the type prisoners who just a few months ago were throwing their own people off buildings, cutting off their hands, cutting out their tongues and otherwise murdering their own people just for disagreeing with Saddam Hussein.

This is bullshit. “Most of the prisoners, however-by the fall there were several thousand, including women and teen-agers-were civilians, many of whom had been picked up in random military sweeps and at highway checkpoints.”

And still more recently the same type enemy that was and is providing videos to all news sources internationally, of the beheading of an American prisoner they held.

Notice that the key here is his repeated use of the word “type.” It’s not those guys, but guys like them. Not so, says reality. Iraqi men women and children - civilians mostly - were responsible for dragging those corpses through the streets. The people who beheaded the American didn’t have anything to do with Saddam Hussein. They were most likely trained in the Kurdish controlled area of Iraq, not Saddam’s area.

Compare this with some of our press and politicians who for several days have thought and talked about nothing else but the “humiliating” of some Muslim prisoners - not burning them, not dragging their charred corpses through the streets, not beheading them, but “humiliating” them.

Right. Shocking them, letting dogs bite them, raping them and, you know, maybe killing a few now and then, but it’s worth it since we got rid of Saddam’s torture chambers, right? Now we have “freedom chambers.”

The politicians and pundits have even talked of impeachment of the Secretary of Defense. If this doesn’t show the complete lack of comprehension and understanding of the seriousness of the enemy we are fighting, the life and death struggle we are in and the disastrous results of losing this war, nothing can.

Here’s why that’s bullshit.

Nashwan Ali - who said his nickname was Big Man - said: ‘A US MP asked me this morning what police division I was in. I said I was in criminal intelligence.
‘The American asked me why we had beaten the prisoners. I said we beat the prisoners because they are all bad people. But I told him we didn’t strip them naked, photograph them or fuck them like you did.’”

To bring our country to a virtual political standstill over this prisoner issue makes us look like Nero playing his fiddle as Rome burned - totally oblivious to what is going on in the real world. Neither we, nor any other country, can survive this internal strife.

OK, but it seems to me that when President Clinton attacked Iraq during Desert Fox, Republicans had no problem with the fact that the country was at a political standstill over impeachment. This is especially damning in light of David Kay’s feeling that “Iraq’s large-scale capability to develop, produce, and fill new CW munitions was reduced - if not entirely destroyed - during Operations Desert Storm and Desert Fox, 13 years of UN sanctions and UN inspections.”

And finally, name any Muslim countries throughout the world that allow freedom of speech, freedom of thought, freedom of religion, freedom of the Press, equal rights for anyone - let alone everyone, equal status or any status for women, or that have been productive in one single way that contributes to the good of the World.

Nice point, although Egypt’s not as bad as most. And we welcome Indonesia to the free world, thanks to President Clinton. And when are we going to kick out Musharraf and give Pakistan back its elected government? Wait. We can’t do that. He’s willing. I can name a country which seems to be losing its freedom of speech. Here’s part of how President Bush celebrated freedom a couple of days ago: “Two Bush opponents, taken out of the crowd in restraints by police, said they were told they couldn’t be there because they were wearing shirts that said they opposed the president.” Friggin’ evildoers. How about freedom of the press? Equal rights for everyone?

If we don’t win this war right now, keep a close eye on how the Muslims take over France in the next 5 years or less.

So when are we going to invade France in order to kill off all their Muslims?

Will we ever stop hearing from the politically correct, about the “peaceful Muslims”?

Yeah, like that politically correct George W. Bush. Don’t you think that part of the reason that Muslim countries are more violent is because they’re so fucking poor? Rwanda, remember, is only about 5% Muslim and 92% Christian. When are we going to stop hearing about those “peaceful Christians”? And let’s not forget that Bosnia was only a third Muslim and that the Christians there were responsible for both starting the war and performing the most heinous acts. See again “A Simple Plan?”

[And we saved the best for last! –S,N!]

[2] As you know, I am a strong President Bush supporter and will vote for him.

No shit?

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That’s our Wolfie!

9/11 Commission Report, page 259:

Tenet told us that in his world “the system was blinking red.” By late July (2001,) Tenet said, it could not “get any worse.” Not everyone was convinced. Some asked whether all these threats might just be deception. On June 30, the SEIB contained an article titled “Bin Ladin Threats Are Real.” Yet Hadley told Tenet in July that Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz questioned the reporting. Perhaps Bin Ladin was trying to study U.S. reactions. Tenet replied that he had already addressed the Defense Department’s questions on this point; the reporting was convincing. [Emphasis added]

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Never mind me, what about you?

From a job offer posted on the web site of Baumann Unternehmensberatung:

Do you speak English excellent [?]

We might even go so far as to say… very excellent.

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Isn’t that way more than what it would cost on eBay?

Alan emails us about reports that Spain’s former Prime Minister, Jose Maria Aznar, used government funds to lobby for a nice and shiny US Congressional Gold Medal for himself:

The Spanish Ser radio station revealed yesterday that while in power the former Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar engaged an American firm of lawyers who act as lobbyists to promote his image and collect signatures to enable him to get the Congressional Gold Medal. The contract was signed in secret and was paid for with Foreign Ministry funds. The news has sparked off widespread criticism.

In accordance with the terms of the contract signed with the Piper Rudnick firm of lawyers, the Spanish Ambassador to the United States Javier Ruperez paid 700,000 dollars at the beginning of the year and had undertaken to pay other sums during the following months until the figure of two million dollars had been reached. […]

The firm of lobbyists undertook “to assist the Spanish Government in its public diplomacy and communications strategy.” The contract refers to “the consolidation of relations with the White House” at a time when Aznar was continually saying that he had ?a privileged relationship? with George Bush.

In January the firm undertook to advertise the speech Aznar gave on Capitol Hill in February and to ask members of Congress to attend and to give their signatures in support of the Spanish president. Aznar has secured 306 signatures so far and has exceeded the minimum (290), but the Senate has not yet begun to process the proposal for awarding him the medal.

Meanwhile, The Guardian reports that:

Former Spanish prime minister Jos? Mar?a Aznar yesterday denied allegations that he was illegally holding on to secret intelligence reports and that his government paid a Washington lobbyist firm to help him secure a Congressional Gold Medal. […]

Mr Aznar, who is in Latin America promoting an autobiography, has so far failed to reply to a request from Spain’s Centre for National Intelligence (CNI) that he return any documents he may still have that refer to the March 11 bombings.

Mr Aznar suggested to a radio interviewer in Colombia earlier this week that he was still in possession of the CNI reports handed to him after the attacks that were followed three days later by his party being voted out of office.

“I have them because I was the prime minister,” he told the radio station.

So how do you say Go fuck yourself in Spanish?

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Hey poopyheads, why can’t you debate the issues?!?

Mona Charen is upset that those mean liberals are attacking her friend:

A recent inductee into the falsely accused Hall of Fame is my friend Daniel Troy, currently serving as general counsel at the Food and Drug Administration.

Troy has been attacked in U.S. News and World Report, the Denver Post and the Boston Globe. He is being described as “too close to those he regulates” because he played a minor role in a case involving Pfizer Pharmaceuticals when he was in private practice.

Minor player, major income:

…according to Troy’s financial disclosure form, Pfizer had paid Troy’s firm nearly $360,000 for services “provided directly by” Troy in less than six months.

And just what did US News & World Report?:

For a decade, a Washington lawyer named Daniel Troy tried to restrict the regulatory powers of the Food and Drug Administration. He won his share of legal battles, taking the side of the tobacco and pharmaceutical industries against the federal agency. But Troy is no longer on the outside throwing stones. […]

Since taking over as the FDA’s chief counsel in August 2001, Troy, 43, has held dozens of private meetings with drug manufacturers and others regulated by the FDA. He kept no notes or minutes of those meetings. A U.S. News inquiry shows he has also favored less rigorous enforcement of regulations for some products and has been lenient about scrutinizing advertising claims by companies. […]

Troy’s doorway has been crowded by an industry legendary for its lobbying clout. A report from the consumer watchdog group Public Citizen shows drug companies employed 625 lobbyists in 2000–more than one for every member of Congress. Between September 2001 and November 2002, Troy operated as the de facto head of the FDA, sources in the drug industry say; it was not until November 14 that Mark McClellan, a medical doctor and health care economist, was sworn in as FDA commissioner. During that period, documents show, Troy held at least 50 meetings with representatives from the industries FDA regulates. U.S. News sought records of those meetings with industry under the Freedom of Information Act but was informed by Troy’s office that there are “no minutes, no memos, no nothing.” Troy declined to say why he did not keep notes of those meetings. […]

The FDA’s central focus, however, remains the regulation of pharmaceuticals. During Troy’s tenure, the FDA has seen a falloff in enforcement actions against drug companies for questionable advertising claims. […]

He represented the Brown & Williamson Tobacco Corp. in its effort to fend off the FDA in the 1990s.

Sounds like Troy is just the guy one would want at the FDA. And where was he before? The American Enterprise Institute. It’s beautiful.

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