The holidays are a time to be gay and festive — and what better way to do this than by combining two of our favorite gimmicks: the shorter concept, and gratuitous jokes at the expense of Amber Pawlik. Hence we bring you: Shorter Amber Pawlik:
If only parents told their kids not to use drugs, no one would ever use drugs in America.
At long last, we did it: all the petty people behind Sadly, No! are back home.
But we’re leaving again tomorrow for two days, having decided to answer the question “what are you doing for new year’s?” with: “we’re going to Pisa.” Hey, we had to come up with something. If we don’t post later today, see you on Friday, and happy new year or whatnot.
Just a few days ago, it seemed we promised a limited number of posts coming at unpredictable times over the holiday season.
As we look back over the past week or so, we notice no posts whatsoever coming, regardless of the time. Hence we are proud to say: mission accomplished!
We shall return this week, unless stuff comes up. But even then we’ll likely crawl our way back here anyway. For Amber, we can offer no less.
Earlier this week, we wrote about Tom Friedman’s column of doom. Our friend Tom argued that the new US requirement for visa applicants to submit fingerprints would cause all would be visitors, especially young Europeans, from ever going to the US again. We mentioned the development to one young European yesterday. Her response?
“Yeah, I had to give my fingerprints for my Japan visa a few years back.”
As soon as we find one young European who vows never to go to the US over this, we’ll let you know.
Essie Mae Williams (n?e Thurmond)
Did you know that Strom Thurmond was one of the first southern senators to put blacks on his staff and that he backed the holiday for Martin Luther King day? Would a racist, hypocritical, lying
rapistpanderer do that, Mr. Liberal Smarty Pants?!? Huh?
Dear friends of Sadly, No! and Amber Pawlik:
Later today our editors will be making the long Odyssey up the A8, A5, A45, A44 and A43 for their annual Festivus visit to their family. While they will continue posting while away, they have asked to let you know that said posts will come in limited numbers and at unpredictable times (as opposed to the usual schedule.) It’s not that updating Sadly, No! isn’t important. But the traditions of Festivus do keep them busy.
So enjoy the holidays while they engage in the traditional airing of grievances and feats of strength.
Random quote of the day:
“Oh, had enough eh?”
“Look you stupid bastards you’ve got no arms left!”
Football season is almost over. The holiday season is here. This means two things: That ABC Monday Night Football song is stuck in our heads and we have been drinking a lot of the Gl?hwein. The result? A Sadly, No! song in honor of Amber Pawlik, the internet’s favorite Ayn Rand and Ann Coulter enthusiast, to the tune of Hank Williams Jr.’s Are you ready for some football. Hide the children. We’ll be at the bottom of the barrel if you need us.
Well it’s Monday Night and we’re ready to strike
Rational man is in full flight
We’re coming with reason and self-interest
Objectivism’s taking over the town
We gotta get ready, we gotta get right
It’s gonna be a battle at Penn State tonightSo get ready!
I mean get ready!
Are you ready for some Amber?
A Randian invasion
This is rockin’ Amber
With a special alert for the Atlas
Here come the end, the facts, the pursuit, the ethics
’cause all my Randian friends drop in on Monday nights!
Phi-lo-so-phize!They’re ready for reason across the land
The women in the soup kitchens they understand
The immorality of community service
It ain’t nothing but cowardice
Egoism’s rocking on down the line
Servitude cowers, it’s pressure time
Time to bring out the individualists
She has no need for tribalistsAre you ready for some Amber?
A Randian party
Yes sir, this is Sadly and our mission
Is to get this whole thing started
You’ve got atlases shrugging
This blog is psyched
’cause all our Randian friends drop in on Monday NightYes sir this party is fun
This is the biggest party
You’ve got Amber and her friend Ann
They’re gonna get the liberals started
The crew’s all set
The timing is right
All our Randian friends are here on Monday Night
That’s right!
Neil Cavuto, November 29, 2003:
Now that we’ve eaten turkey, I want to talk turkey. I want to talk holiday spending. I want to talk big holiday spending. Because, mark my words and save this column, holiday sales are going to be huge. Huge.
Why?
Because contrary to media reports, most of us are still bummed out. I think we’re ready to bust out, and we’re going to be busting out in malls and stores across this country these next four weeks or so. […]
We’re already seeing anecdotal evidence of this from a variety of retailers. Wal-Mart is reporting increased volume in its toy department. Best Buy is seeing it among all its electronic items. And Macy’s is seeing it in women’s perfume. Even I’m smelling the scent. It’s that of a consumer not only willing to dip his or her foot in the water, but do a cannonball splash as well!
I hear some economists have conservatively predicted holiday sales gains about 3 percent ahead of last year. I think they’re being positively Scroogian. I think they’ll be at least triple that. You heard me right. I’m predicting holiday sales this season will be 8 to 9 percent better. That’s right . . . up to 9 percent better than last year! [Emphasis added]
Meanwhile, on planet Earth:
Wal-Mart December sales weak
No. 1 retailer says weekend showed progress but still sees month’s sales at low end of forecasts.CHICAGO (Reuters) - Wal-Mart Stores Inc. Monday said sales improved last weekend, which is typically the biggest shopping period of the year, but it was not enough to make up for a sluggish start to December.
The world’s biggest retailer said it still expects December sales at its U.S. stores open at least a year to reach the lower end of its forecast for a 3 percent to 5 percent gain.
[Emphasis added]
If you can’t rely on Neil, what is the world coming to???……………..
Bob Dole’s former babysitter, Robert Novak, opens up a can of whoop ass on Howard Dean, courtesy of an anonymous Democratic insider:
The Democratic savants I have contacted can only shake their heads over his stubborn insistence that Saddam Hussein’s capture has not made the country safer.
Did Bob mean the idiot savants he contacted? In other news:
NEWSWEEK POLL: A majority (51 percent) of Americans say Hussein’s capture hasn’t made them safer or more secure (41 percent say it has), and 52 percent say it probably won’t have much effect in reducing the number of attacks on U.S. military personnel (41 percent say it’s likely to reduce the number of attacks).
Expressing an opinion shared by a majority of the American public — could one be any more out of the mainstream? It’s shocking really. As shocking as this:
AFTER SADDAM’S CAPTURE, THE TERROR THREAT IS??
Increased: 17%; Still the same: 61%; Decreased: 18%.
Thanks Bob.
Fellow Amber groupie and Sadly, No! reader Anniee sends us captions which, while they involve neither stick figures nor pornography, help spreading holiday cheer by answering the all important question: just what is Jesus up to these days?
The full story, right here for your pleasure and convenience.
Jim at the Rittenhouse Review writes about our favorite Ayn Randian princess Amber Pawlik:
Did you hear that?
I swear I heard laughing.
No, no. I know I heard laughter.
The sound of millions of women laughing. […]No, it?s the blogosphere and its countless readers worldwide, their attention to Amber drawn by such leading lights as TBogg, Roger Ailes, and World O?Crap, that has ignited the unceasing wave of abuse that is being heaped upon this public-trough-feeding student
Sadly, No!: Not one of the leading lights of the blogosphere. Talk about a case of Jim putting the F and the U in our FestivUs. Whaaaaaaaaa!
DOMAIN NAME SEARCH RESULTS
amberpawlik.com is available.
SIMILAR NAMES:
amber-pawl-ik.com
amberclickik.com
amberclicksik.com
amberdogik.com
amberdogsik.com
When we grow up, we want to go to Amber Pawlik University.
Amber on civilization and literacy:
A child’s development is largely dependent on his environment when he grows up. This is why tribal people in 3rd world countries are still uncivilized, meanwhile near everybody in western culture is at least halfway literate.
Not everybody is literate here, only near everybody. A clear sad state of affairs if you ask us.
Amber on mating (yes, we know!:)
Given it is likely that the mother is of a certain intelligence and she will mate with other men of likely the same intelligence…
Here is a picture of Amber engaging in oral sex with her favorite partner. [Rated PG-13]
Communists also believed that the proletarians were weak. They also subscribed this not to any fault of their own, but to the bourgeusis, i.e. the property owning class.
We had a case of bourgeusis once. The doctor gave us some ointment and then it went away.
Amber on feminists:
Feminists fail to see the metaphysical link between a woman’s effort and her subsequent success.
(8) I believe I can fly (8)
(8) I believe I can touch the sky (8)
Amber on Ann “not a man, not yet a woman?” Coulter:
In order to rule people, the mystics of both muscle and brain, have been levying on people the illusion of an incomprehensible, higher authority that they can never possibly understand, but are to obey.
Amber on her fans fan:
I am not going to insult my reader’s intelligence
Amber on World War II:
Next in history is our memorial to World War II: the Holocaust Museum. It wasn’t the heroes, our American soldiers, who were given a memorial - but the victims, the German Jews. [Emphasis ours]
Those Jews — always getting the really cool memorials. It’s an outrage!
Amber on war:
There is a reason why evil is largely contained in America, and why America has never initiated any war.
Well, thank God for that!
Thomas L. Friedman, who never tires of straddling the fence between total pointlessness and total irrelevance is back at “work” today offering a new plate of tenuously related half-baked arguments. Read and enjoy the kind of insight that can only come from a Pulitzer-winning columnist, featuring:
The U.S. Consulate used to be in the heart of the city, where it was easy for Turks to pop in for a visa or to use the library. For security reasons, though, it was recently moved 45 minutes away to the outskirts of Istanbul, on a bluff overlooking the Bosporus ? surrounded by a tall wall. The new consulate looks like a maximum-security prison. […] But here’s the stone cold truth: A lot of U.S. diplomats are probably alive today because they moved into this fortress.
Translation: Although a secure consulate in a Muslim country was the right thing to do, I decided to spend my two opening paragraphs making fun of the whole thing anyway in a rather unsuccessful attempt to score comedy points. Just call me the Dave Barry of the op-ed page!
This is where we’ve come to after two decades of anti-U.S. terrorism and 9/11: The cops are now in charge ? not the diplomats.
Well, once he’s done with that whole Iraqi debt thing, maybe Jim Baker can go to the mountains of Afghanistan and get the terrorists to stop doing what they do. (Bonus points if he does it while drinking sweet mint tea.)
As one U.S. diplomat in Europe put it to me, “The upside is that we are more secure, the downside is you lose the human contact and it makes it way harder to have interactions with people who are not part of the elite.
How US diplomats must miss the good old days where the proletariat was free to roam the hallways of US embassies and consulates in Europe, offering its opinion on the latest development in international affairs.
Some of our embassies have such a Crusader castle look, they’re actually becoming tourist sites.
Is that a) good, b) bad, or c) just a way to fill up space?
Beginning next year, in order to get a visa to the U.S., you will have to come to the nearest U.S. Embassy or Consulate and be fingerprinted first. Some European diplomats have already started warning their American counterparts not to expect them in the U.S. anytime soon ? if they have to submit to fingerprinting.
Tom’s most amusing paragraph. Whatever one thinks about fingerprinting for visa applicants, Tom and the people who write his columns for him his friends should know that Europeans visiting the US and diplomats in general need not worry:
All visa applicants will be fingerprinted except: (1) children under 14 years of age; (2) applicants over 79 years of age; (3) employees of foreign governments and international organizations traveling on official business.
Citizens of 27 countries, including most of Europe, visiting the US can take advantage of the visa waiver program. The fingerprinting does not introduce the requirement to visit a US Embassy or Consulate to apply for the visa, though Tom gives the impression it might.
U.S. diplomats understand the security reasons for this. But, they note, it is really awkward to call up a Turkish writer or a Chinese dissident, extend an invitation to come to America on a State Department exchange program, and then say: “But first you have to come into the embassy and get fingerprinted.”
How many diplomats were “interviewed” in the making of this column? Were they previously able to issue visas without the applicant being required to come to the embassy? We’d guess no:
Serhat Guvenc, a lecturer at Bilgi University in Istanbul, was actually flying to the U.S. on Sept. 11, 2001, and was diverted to Canada. He’s been avoiding the U.S. since because of all the already intrusive visa requirements.
What were the already intrusive requirements? Tom won’t tell you, and so we won’t either. But it would be nice to know.
But hold on to your hats, Tom has lots of friends:
A Turkish columnist friend, Cengiz Candar, told me: “I was traveling to Iraq recently and my very old mother was very, very worried. I told her, ‘Don’t worry, Momma, I’ve been there before. It is very safe, as long as you know what to do.’ She said to me, ‘Stay away from the Americans.’ ”
Is that what mothers will tell their kids from now on?
Well, if people are going into combat zones where insurgents/terrorists/Baath party loyalists stage daily attacks against Americans, one would imagine that the answer is: sadly, yes! Otherwise, what the fuck kind of point is Friedman trying to make?!?
I don’t know. Many people would still line up for America if we charged $1,000 per visa and demanded their dental X-rays. But others, especially young Europeans, are thinking twice because they don’t want the hassle.
Young Europeans who want to visit the US need not worry about visa applications. Then again, if Friedman had any sources other than anonymous friends and US diplomats his argument might be marginally convincing. As things stand, it doesn’t even reach that level.
Better to go to France or Germany.
France, for those with short memories, is the country that Friedman identified as “the enemy” earlier this year.
The only Americans foreigners will meet will be those wearing U.S. Army uniforms and body armor.
Is Tom saying that less Americans will travel abroad? He asserted earlier that “especially young Europeans” won’t come to the US anymore, but now it’s all “foreigners” who will never “meet” Americans besides soldiers. (America has troops in how many countries Tom?)
We need to figure out a better system. Because where birds don’t fly, ideas don’t fly, friendships don’t fly and mutual understanding never takes off.
We don’t know if it’s flying related, but we’re ready for our air sickness bags over here.
While reading Fables of the reconstruction earlier we came across this post:
The Gender Genie is a program which analyzes text and determines whether it was written by a man or a woman, based on the occurence of certain key words. … It has been improved since then, and it seems like it works two-thirds of the time.
Always eager to see just how good a genie is, we decided to enter the text of ten articles written by our role model, Amber Pawlik. (Starting on the left side, the first 10 down to the comedy classic “The Gold Standard.”)
Genie says:
The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!
The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!
The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!
The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!
The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!
The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!
The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!
The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!
The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!
The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!
A perfect 10, congratulations!
