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Jul
18

Shorter Confederate Yankee




Posted at 2:25 by Gavin M.

Herr Obama’s Security Service

  • I need attention.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

63 Comments »

  1. Dr. Buckaroo Banzai said,

    July 18, 2008 at 2:27

    Were you saving this one, for a special occasion?

  2. DuffeyNY said,

    July 18, 2008 at 2:28

    Conservative bloggers might be the kings of attention whoring. I think all the kids who screamed out to their moms to look at whatever stupid thing they’re doing are the ones who grow up to be right-wing antagonists.

  3. Michael said,

    July 18, 2008 at 2:34

    I think that’s the Shorter for 90% of what comes out of Greater Wingnuttia.

    The other 10% being YEEEAAAARRRGHHHH!!!!!!

  4. El Cid said,

    July 18, 2008 at 2:39

    Here is the crazy, Nazi, ultra-totalitarian thing Obama apparently had in mind for the “civilian national security force”, from the Federal Times, which “they” are obviously suppressing since it comes right up on Google News search, but not the very first item!!!

    Obama did appear to back a soft-power vision Gates began advocating in a series of speeches last fall: a more modern State Department and “civilian national security force” that could “deploy teams that combine agricultural specialists and engineers and linguists and cultural specialists who are prepared to go into some of the most dangerous areas alongside our military.”

    “If we’ve got a State Department or personnel that have been trained just to be behind walls, and they have not been equipped to get out there alongside our military and engage, then we don’t have the kind of national security apparatus that is needed,” he said. “That has to be planned for; it has to be paid for. Those personnel have to be trained. And they all have to be integrated.”

    And I suppose they want us to think that “agricultural specialists” will be just some sort of innocent civil servants who know things about farming and what not? They won’t get me so easily.

  5. PeeJ said,

    July 18, 2008 at 2:43

    Even though I see it every day I still can’t believe it. Those peckerheads are all foaming about the forthcoming Obama Gestapo. When did the Cornfeedrated Hankee begin to worry about the limits of executive power? When it him them in the face that Obama was probably going to the next Prez.

    Even the freepers saw the problem coming long ago, though they were worried about Hillary rounding them up and Gitmo-izing them.

  6. PeeJ said,

    July 18, 2008 at 2:48

    insert “and that lot”
    change to “..hit them in..”

    And I haven’t even started drinking yet. Yet.

  7. Doctor Missus Marita said,

    July 18, 2008 at 2:52

    What are you waiting for, PeeJ? PDX has all that good beer!

  8. Sophist FCD, in his rhadamanthine wisdom, said,

    July 18, 2008 at 2:57

    Barack Obama’s recent call for “civilian national security force” that is “just as powerful, just as strong, just as well-funded” as the nation’s military didn’t sound any better than it did in the original German.

    If you’re going to rip off Molly Ivins, you should at least get the fucking quote right.

  9. PeeJ said,

    July 18, 2008 at 2:58

    Fixed!

  10. PeeJ said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:02

    And by the way, the Portland International Beerfest starts right here in Beervana TOMORROW!!ELEVEN!1!ONE!1

    This year’s theme: “There Will Be Beer”

    Eat yer fucking hearts out kids.

  11. Snorghagen said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:04

    Isn’t ‘Nazi’ a new anti-Obama slur? I don’t recall seeing it before.

    I’ll have to add it to the list, along with elitist, secret Muslim, extreme leftist, and all the others.

  12. Doctor Missus Marita said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:04

    You play nice, PeeJ. I get homesick enough as it is.

  13. Malfunctioning Glenn Reynolds Robot said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:04

    I was a bad widdle boy! Let’s see how long it stays up.

  14. Malfunctioning Glenn Reynolds Robot said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:05

    Heh. Not very long.

  15. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:10

    Poor Cornfederate Wankee.

    What’s going to happen to his grill, when he’s locked up in the camp?

  16. Malfunctioning Glenn Reynolds Robot said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:11

    And I’m banned. :( Heh.

  17. Doctor Missus Marita said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:13

    What’s going to happen to his grill, when he’s locked up in the camp?

    I would think he’d take the grill to camp with him.

    Oh. That kind of camp. Never mind.

  18. Gundamhead said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:14

    I thought these guys were all about “Homeland Security” and “We can’t tie our Leaders hands because they’re just trying to protect us!” and “the constitution isn’t a suicide pact!” Now they’re scared shitless of this “civilian national security force” that isn’t even armed, nor any sort of law enforcement or intelligence service?

    What do want to bet they’d be falling all over themselves to praise the Bush administration if they had come up with a “civilian national security force” that was a heavily armed paramilitary group with law enforcement powers?

  19. PeeJ said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:18

    But Gundamhead, they did. It’s called Blackwater.

  20. Doctor Missus Marita said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:18

    What do want to bet they’d be falling all over themselves to praise the Bush administration if they had come up with a “civilian national security force” that was a heavily armed paramilitary group with law enforcement powers?

    Are you suggesting that such a thing doesn’t exist?

  21. Doctor Missus Marita said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:19

    Damn you PeeJ! You only beat me because I went to the trouble of adding a link!

  22. PeeJ said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:20

    And Doctor Missus, does playing nice mean I should elide mention of the Oregon Brewers Festival which doesn’t happen until NEXT weekend?

  23. PeeJ said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:21

    Wow. You bothered to dig up a link? You’re way too detail oriented.

  24. Gary Ruppert said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:22

    I was a bad widdle boy! Let’s see how long it stays up.

    The fact is, what was it? I posted mine earlier and it was deleted (probably on grounds that it contained the words “crap”, “damn”, and “hell”, and mocked the proprietor). I reposted it with those words substituted.

  25. Gary Ruppert said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:25

    And I’m banned. :( Heh.

    Just shut down your broadband modem for a while during the night. You’ll possibly get a new IP.

  26. Snorghagen said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:25

    Confederate Yankee, in his comments section:

    Obama’s closest, earliest and longest-running influences are New Left Marxists, old school communists, and radical bomb-throwing (literally) progressives that subscribe to ideologies that gave birth to some of the most horrific agents of “state security” ever known.

    A new Dark Age is about to descend upon America. Our once great nation will soon be a nightmare of lurid radical violence, of crushing communist oppression, of charcoal grills lying broken and abandoned on the lawn.

  27. PeeJ said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:25

    I was a bad widdle boy! Let’s see how long it stays up.

    Congrats on getting it up but the sex topic thread was the previous thread.

  28. Doctor Missus Marita said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:27

    And Doctor Missus, does playing nice mean I should elide mention of the Oregon Brewers Festival which doesn’t happen until NEXT weekend?

    You’re mean when you’re sober.

  29. jim said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:27

    BAD MGR-Robot … bad, BAD robot.
    You probably used your kinetic-beam weapon to tip over his grill too!

    I left a little blurt there too – & I’ll (not) wait with baited breath for his devastating reply … some wacko left-wing nonsense about a group who’ve made quite a name for themselves in the Gestapo, Inc. way, & right in America too, come to think of it – Black Otter? Black Daughter? Hmm, it’s right on the tip of my tongue … aha!

    Blackwater.

  30. Jennifer said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:28

    What’s going to happen to his grill, when he’s locked up in the camp?

    Well, hopefully, someone or a whole bunch of someones will get all up in it.

  31. Gundamhead said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:32

    “But Gundamhead, they did. It’s called Blackwater.”

    Those are just Civilian Contractors, which is completely different since they work for a benevolent wealthy corporation, rather than hateful, anti-freedom Obama cultists! And besides everyone they shoot is foreign.

    In conclusion: fuck Confederate Wankee. Fuck him with a pine cone.

  32. Gundamhead said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:34

    And his that fucking grill to!

  33. PeeJ said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:34

    I’m sorry, Marita. I’m trying. Really hard. To not be sober. In fact, I have to run down to the corner likker store for more gin right now.

  34. Arky - Sexual Orient Express said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:35

    Alternate Shorter Cornfederate Yanker:

    ZOMG, TEH POLICE R NAZIS!

  35. Doc Washboard said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:51

    The Wankee has some real balls on him if he’s going to start bagging on people for spelling and grammatical errors.

  36. WereBear said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:51

    When it him them in the face that Obama was probably going to the next Prez.

    I think that’s what been causing all the activity of late.

    Just watched Keith Olbermann discussing how all the reporters are scrambling to go on the Obama trip because he’s probably going to be President.

    I’m in shock and awe.

    On a side, sick note… I was watching an announcement “War Crimes Trials to Begin” and got so interested–

    because somehow I thought it would be OUR war criminals.

    Dizzy from the sudden turns.

  37. commie atheist said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:54

    I take it Bob Owens (or as some call him, Treason in Defense of Slavery Yankee) is unfamiliar with the internet tradition of Godwin’s Law.

  38. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    July 18, 2008 at 3:59

    Bad News for Obama

    He’s not leading by enough in the tradtional blue state of Nevada.

  39. PeeJ said,

    July 18, 2008 at 4:07

    I was about to comment as “Iris” on the “Bad News for Obama” but I just couldn’t muster the energy. So I’ll just say, this is excellent news FOR HILLARY!

  40. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    July 18, 2008 at 4:12

    THIS IS EXCELLENT NEWS!! FOR HILLARY!!!

    (fixed it for ya, PeeJ…and giving credit where it is due, re: idiotic)

  41. Lesley said,

    July 18, 2008 at 4:19

    Anybody voting from Kansas may be interested in this candidate.

  42. tigrismus said,

    July 18, 2008 at 4:19

    Joseph Farah’s mustache warns that Obama has just publicly announced “some kind of massive but secret national police force that will be even bigger than the Army, Navy, Marines and Air Force put together”. Sooper seekrit farmer linguists = SCARY!

  43. Lesley said,

    July 18, 2008 at 4:22

    I thought the National Guard was your national police force. I understand most of it’s been transferred to Iraq.

  44. bronco214 said,

    July 18, 2008 at 4:33

    No Leley, the military actually has no police powers in the US. I think that the only way that happens is in the case of martial law.

  45. Lesley said,

    July 18, 2008 at 4:45

    Wasn’t it the National Guard that shot up Kent State? Wasn’t it the National Guard that acted like jackass thugs in New Orleans during Katrina?

  46. stryx said,

    July 18, 2008 at 4:46

    What are they gonna fuckin do? Put you under constant surveillance, read all your mail, your email, your IM, your texts, force you to get an internal travel passport and make you undergo searches in order to fly from city to city, place you on secret blacklists that prevent you from flying, leave you to die a miserable death in a massive flood, let you die from a terrorist attack that had been forewarned, fly you to an Algerian prison for interrogation, frame you for being from the wrong party and send you to jail, rig your votes, steal your elections, let corporations write the laws and policies, start a war and kill unknown numbers of people, spend us into penury and bankrupt the nation, fail to find the one guy responsible for attacking us, let off the guy who armed the so called axis of evil, will they create ANIMAL-HUMAN HYBRIDS???!!?!??!

    Really, what will these Agronomists of the Apocalypse do that could top Gomer’s current batch of heros?

  47. Lesley said,

    July 18, 2008 at 4:50

    Um, apropos of nothing, Helen Mirren (in her 60s?) is the hot! She has a 6-pack for God’s sake.

  48. alec said,

    July 18, 2008 at 4:57

    Alternate Shorter Cornfederate Yanker:

    ZOMG, TEH POLICE R NAZIS!

    Well, presumably under Black Osama we’d be put into a crazy topsy-turvy world where black police tase the shit out of Whitey for a defensible reason and nothing is as it seems.

    Of course he’s afraid.

  49. Arky - Sexual Orient Express said,

    July 18, 2008 at 5:25

    The Wankee has some real balls on him if he’s going to start bagging on people for spelling and grammatical errors.

    The best the Wankee Doodoo Dandy’s can manage is cobagging.

  50. PeeJ said,

    July 18, 2008 at 5:28

    What are they gonna fuckin do? Put you under constant surveillance, read all your mail, your email, your IM, your texts

    Erm, that’s happening already. Please don’t ask me how I know but I sure as shit do know. You probably think Carnivore was abandoned. It wasn’t. It was improved upon, expanded. I am happy to announce that I had nothing to do with it, personally. I bear no fucking responsibility for the travesty that is today’s surveillance state. I’m very happy to say that I definitely did not contribute to it. They and I have used some of the same methods, that’s all. For very different purposes.

    Not to go all conspiracy theorist on y’all but I have a wealth of “inside information.” It’s amazing what can be gleaned from “casual conversations” with Raytheon engineers when they’ve had a few too many.

    So, I also know there’s a way to defeat it. Randomly (and, heh, liberally) sprinkle your telephone conversations (doh! they “listen in to my voice calls!?), your email and your texting with word juxtapositions like, for example, “Bush” and “bomb” or maybe “CIA drugs Bush”

    The basic idea is to change the signal to noise ratio. Trust me, it can work.

  51. PeeJ said,

    July 18, 2008 at 5:32

    And don’t even get me started on what Echelon has morphed into.

  52. Carlo said,

    July 18, 2008 at 5:37

    hahaha! your most accurate one yet.

  53. Malfunctioning Glenn Reynolds Robot said,

    July 18, 2008 at 5:40

    “Gary”:

    The fact is, what was it?

    Oh, you know, the usual. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s about to pivot on Iraq! Dude, where’s my recession? Mickey Kaus says Obama is doomed!

    And over and over, of course. It was gone in a minute or so.

  54. No Such Agency said,

    July 18, 2008 at 5:42

    Watch it buster. We r in ur intertoobz.

  55. Van der Loony said,

    July 18, 2008 at 5:54

    I am aware of all internet traditions. Conspiring to defeat the forces of truth, justice and the American way is eeeevil.

  56. Me said,

    July 18, 2008 at 7:38

    Hey assholes–you wanted a unitary executive. You wanted the president to have all this fucking power. The only thing you forgot was that the president doesn’t stay the same person forever. In fact, just a few months from now, it’s gonna be a black guy.

    Put a fucking purple bandaid on it and shut the fuck up.

  57. Dave Latchaw said,

    July 18, 2008 at 10:45

    Somebody needs to Photoshop that poor motherfucker a chin.

  58. El Cid said,

    July 18, 2008 at 13:11

    That’s a purple heart bandaid, pal.

  59. fauxmaxbaer said,

    July 18, 2008 at 15:11

    Since you can’t talk sense into them, would it be wrong to actually feed the paranoia of these fucks? They want to think that they are all headed to the re-education camps? Fine. They’re not happy if they’re not afraid of something anyway.

  60. g said,

    July 18, 2008 at 16:29

    Wasn’t it the National Guard that shot up Kent State? Wasn’t it the National Guard that acted like jackass thugs in New Orleans during Katrina?

    Each state’s National Guard are commanded by the state’s governor, not the Feds. It was the Ohio National Guard that shot students at Kent State.

    Katrina? IIRC, I don’t think the National Guard acted like jackass thugs in NO – The police force of neighboring towns did, preventing people from walking into adjoining suburbs. Also Blackwater private security guys were there.

  61. g said,

    July 18, 2008 at 16:30

    And what bronco said. The National Guard isn’t police.

  62. Legalize said,

    July 18, 2008 at 16:52

    Aw, Ace deleted my comment. :(

    However, Lesley’s pic of Helen Mirren makes me feel better. She has always been teh hawt.

  63. Kanye West said,

    July 19, 2008 at 7:47

    will they create ANIMAL-HUMAN HYBRIDS???!!?!??!

    George Bush doesn’t care about cat people.

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