Jul
17

Shorter Amanda Carpenter




Posted at 19:11 by Gavin M.

Obama: Right Wing to Blame for Wife’s Negs

  • In an interview in Glamour, Barack Obama claims that the conservative press has systematically ‘gone after’ his crazy wife who is scary. In this, my fourth anti-Obama Townhall column in two days, I call this a conspiracy theory. [Full disclosure: I also blog for Glamour.]

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

See also: Amanda Carpenter and the Case of the $600 Earrings.

Ms. Carpenter, a former anti-Hillary specialist, is the National Political Reporter for Townhall.com, an enterprise spun off from the Heritage Foundation in order to skirt laws against partisan political campaigning by nonprofit organizations. Townhall is headed by the Nixon attaché and right-wing radio howler Hugh Hewitt, the author of the book, If It’s Not Close, They Can’t Cheat: Crushing the Democrats in Every Election and Why Your Life Depends on It.

61 Comments »

  1. Righteous Bubba said,

    July 17, 2008 at 19:15

    Amanda Carpenter can write about anything she likes as long as she maintains her objectivity.

  2. El Cid said,

    July 17, 2008 at 19:20

    Next she’ll be telling how a few crazy liberals still think that somehow Republicans and ‘right wingers’ are the ones who spent all that time in the 90′s talking about Clinton’s penis.

  3. Mr. Wonderful said,

    July 17, 2008 at 19:24

    Okay, but seriously: When they write this sort of dreck, do they really believe it,
    or are they wittingly lying?

    Never mind. I’ll go quietly now.

  4. Percy ‘Mad Dog’ Plumflute said,

    July 17, 2008 at 19:28

    Negs??!!?
    How thinly veiled can you get?

  5. A Whining American said,

    July 17, 2008 at 19:32

    This is just part of the larger theme that the crazed wingnuts will be parroting over and over and over and over for the next 4/8 years:

    The liberals are the ones to blame for the economy, the deficit, the war, oil prices, and all the negative attacks on liberals.

    The less insane among the crazed wingnuts will use the standard excuse of “they are all crooks”, ignoring the documented history of repigs’ crookedness making Dems’ crookedness look like grade school pranks.

  6. gbear said,

    July 17, 2008 at 19:45

    Life is simple when it’s all Obama’s fault. It IS a no-brainer.

  7. Cangrejero said,

    July 17, 2008 at 19:46

    Mr. Wonderful said,

    July 17, 2008 at 19:24

    Okay, but seriously: When they write this sort of dreck, do they really believe it,
    or are they wittingly lying?

    That, Mr. Wonderful, is truly what’s at the center of the tootsie pop we call wingnuttia. Sadly, I don’t think the world will ever know.

  8. gbear said,

    July 17, 2008 at 19:53

    Amanda Carpenter = carp and tar enema.

  9. tigrismus said,

    July 17, 2008 at 20:27

    The blame will go straight from the Clenis to the Bacock, with nary a peep about the past 8 years(except to remind us the Democrats were in charge of Congress during a tiny portion of them). As Marie’ would say, kayseh rah, sara.

  10. sagra said,

    July 17, 2008 at 20:27

    Amanda Carpenter = enter a damn crap?

  11. jim said,

    July 17, 2008 at 20:32

    Yep, given the source, “Negs” looks like a typo. Nice job finding one of the rare pics where MO doesn’t look totally blazing hot, too. It’s merely a freak coincidence that she’s ragged on Obama 4 times in 2 days – I’m sure she’ll prove her journalistic integrity by lowering her sights on McCain every bit as much, any day now … any old day … just you wait now … yessiree, it’s coming … it might even be soon, maybe.
    Or not.

    They also never get tired of the “vast right-wing conspiracy” schtick, either. Comes with barely-suppressed sniggering, no extra cost. Yeah, obviously the only rational viewpoint is that there aren’t ever any conspiracies – & anyone finding “evidence” of them must be a paranoid nutjob … because as we all know so well, folks just blindly go about their daily biz, somehow never realizing that by planning together & working in concert, they can do all kinds of incredibly nasty things with total impunity that they’d never have a hope in hell of getting away with working solo – & that is why corporations don’t really exist. Or Chambers Of Commerce. Or think-tanks. Or governments.
    CREEP? Iran-Contra? COINTELPRO? Team B?

    Oooh, look, Lindsay Lohan’s going to a nightclub – & she’s wearing a see-through blouse!

  12. Five of Diamonds said,

    July 17, 2008 at 20:33

    carp and tar enema.

    Ouch.

  13. MzNicky said,

    July 17, 2008 at 20:34

    I kinda like this one:
    Amanda Carpenter = emanated crap ran

  14. pedestrian said,

    July 17, 2008 at 20:38

    carp and tar enema.

    You would think that the painful part would be the boiling tar, but you would be wrong; it’s the carp.

  15. MzNicky said,

    July 17, 2008 at 20:39

    Her name anagrams seem to have a recurring scatological theme. Must be indicative of something that has to do with her and totally not with the selection process.

  16. gbear said,

    July 17, 2008 at 20:52

    You would think that the painful part would be the boiling tar, but you would be wrong; it’s the carp.

    Pedestrian, mind if I just take your word on that one? Thanks in advance.

  17. Hoosier X said,

    July 17, 2008 at 20:56

    Oh! Oh! Can I play the anagram game?

    A man, a crap, rented

  18. commie atheist said,

    July 17, 2008 at 21:03

    Are you nuts? Can’t you see that woman is a Neg?

  19. The Truth said,

    July 17, 2008 at 21:23

    How dare the right-wing media make up anti-American statements and place them in Michelle Obama’s mouth? Did they think they could get away with fabricating Michelle’s university thesis? How can they…

    What’s that you say? Michelle actually said those things?

    Um, cna I haz teh snark now?

  20. commie atheist said,

    July 17, 2008 at 21:30

    How dare the right-wing media make up anti-American statements and place them in Michelle Obama’s mouth? Did they think they could get away with fabricating Michelle’s university thesis?

    I hear they burn American flags in the fireplace, too.

  21. Matt T. said,

    July 17, 2008 at 21:35

    I used to date a girl named Amanda Carpenter. Not this woman, though.

    What’s that you say? Michelle actually said those things?

    What things? What specifically, in your opinion, did Michelle Obama say that was unequivically “anti-American”? Is it anything besides the “first time I’m proud of my country” thing? Do you really think an adult African-American woman, who’s lived through the latter part of the 20th century, is really that far out of line if she’s proud that her country has finally gotten around to taking serious a black presidential candidate? Anything else?

  22. The Truth said,

    July 17, 2008 at 21:41

    Matt, I love hearing Michelle Obama speak. I hope she has a megaphone for the rest of the campaign season. “For the first time in my adult life I’m proud of America” is a great line, but I know she can do better.

    CA brings up the New Yorker magazine cover, which was brilliant. Of course it’s satire, and of course most people will recognize it as such. The reason that conservatives like the cover, and liberals don’t, is because it works on two levels: sure, it is meant to satirize conservative fears, but it has a grain of truth in it. That’s what causes you liberals such angst.

    I love it.

  23. Hoosier X said,

    July 17, 2008 at 21:42

    Anything else?

    Sadly, no.

    The talking points do keep repeating themselves.

    And, then, just to be even more tedious, conservatives get all politically correct – when it suits them – and call us rude and uncivil when we ridicule them.

    If you don’t want to be ridiculed, don’t be ridiculous.

  24. Hoosier X said,

    July 17, 2008 at 21:44

    Yup.

    That’s all he’s got.

  25. N.C. said,

    July 17, 2008 at 21:46

    Michelle Obama: wrote/said some things that look bad out of context

    Cindy McCain: stole painkillers from a charity to feed her drug addiction

    THERE’S YOUR SNARK

  26. Righteous Bubba said,

    July 17, 2008 at 21:46

    Matt, I love hearing Michelle Obama speak.

    I believe she was on a gabby morning talk show gabbing away with other gabbers recently. How’d that go?

  27. Matt T. said,

    July 17, 2008 at 21:46

    Hoosier X,
    I be damn. Just shameless, isn’t he?

  28. Realist said,

    July 17, 2008 at 21:48

    [Full disclosure: I also blog for Glamour.]

    I guess they needed someone for the “before” pictures.

  29. Matt T. said,

    July 17, 2008 at 21:50

    Matt, I love hearing Michelle Obama speak.

    So do I. Intelligent, erudite women are a turn on. Say, that’s another question: do you yay-hoos think Teh Left cringes in fear whenever the Future First Lady opens her mouth? Seriously?

  30. CJR said,

    July 17, 2008 at 21:50

    We’re going to see stuff during the Obama years that’s going to make the wingnuts’ treatment of Clinton seem like adoration.

  31. gbear said,

    July 17, 2008 at 21:59

    How’d that go?

    It was gabulous!

  32. fardels bear said,

    July 17, 2008 at 22:01

    I love how The Truth, and other rightwingers respond to the New Yorker cover: “It is satire, which means we don’t really believe it, but we really believe it because it is true!” They can’t figure out that it is impossible to both reject and embrace it.

    Of course, if they had any self-awareness at all, they wouldn’t be rightwingers in the first place.

  33. D.N. Nation said,

    July 17, 2008 at 22:12

    Yeah, good luck with that one, Trooth. Voters are really really really interested in completely harmless Michelle Obama quotes.

  34. WereBear said,

    July 17, 2008 at 22:12

    Of course, if they had any self-awareness at all, they wouldn’t be rightwingers in the first place.

    That, and the throbbing rage vein, is how they can be identified and logged most quickly.

    I think what becomes a winger most is their bone deep conviction that whatever it is, it is not their fault.

    Even if it is.

  35. The Troof said,

    July 17, 2008 at 22:18

    You youngsters just can not respond to my devastating logic – and my ever-expanding storehouse of examples for all my assertions – without your typically juvenile “witticisms.”

    Can you?

    I have lots of updated examples of how Michelle Obama hates America. And they are all indicative that Michelle Obama hates America. They are all very convincing. And up-to-date. And not at all trivial or irrelevant. And not at all pointless repititions taken out of context.

    But you childish liberals refuse to acknowledge that.

    You will be stunned when McCain wins in a landslide because real Americans weren’t fooled by Obama’s Nuremburg rally/rock concert allure. Real Americans realize that McCain’s inconsistencies and foolish statments prove that he has more experience and is a regular guy, not like the secret Muslim/black Christian separatist/gherkin-eating elitist Barack Obama.

    It’s not like in the old days, when young whippersnapper liberals knew better that to talk back to their political superiors. If you think you could have talked that way about a great man like Calvin Coolidge, think again! You’d have been tied up out in the desert and left to be picked clean by buzzards, Mescaleros and Pancho Villa.

    Now, go on back to your wax lips and your tin whistles before I destroy your Potemkin Village a second time.

  36. test » Blog Archive » Comment on Shorter Amanda Carpenter by The Truth said,

    July 17, 2008 at 22:21

    [...] on Shorter Amanda Carpenter by The Truth Austin Farley wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptHow dare the right-wing media make up [...]

  37. Straw Man Alert said,

    July 17, 2008 at 22:30

    So who’s making the claim that:

    the right-wing media make up anti-American statements and place them in Michelle Obama’s mouth? Did they think they could get away with fabricating Michelle’s university thesis?

    Just wondering …

  38. The Troof said,

    July 17, 2008 at 22:32

    So who’s making the claim that:

    the right-wing media make up anti-American statements and place them in Michelle Obama’s mouth? Did they think they could get away with fabricating Michelle’s university thesis?

    Are you kidding? There are so many that I don’t have to give any examples.

    I don’t why you children are so contemptuous of my superior rhetorical skills.

  39. g said,

    July 17, 2008 at 22:39

    I have lots of updated examples of how Michelle Obama hates America

    Uh huh. Yeah. You’re going to cite them right now, with sources…..They’re right h….oh, wait, you thought you had ‘em right here, but….um…must’ve misplaced them…left them in your car….

    You got nothing, Troof.

  40. g said,

    July 17, 2008 at 22:40

    gherkin-eating elitist

    Love it!

  41. Hoosier X said,

    July 17, 2008 at 22:45

    One can only hope that the REAL Truth – if there is such a person – knows when to go and hide and lick his or her wounds for a while.

    Totally PWNED!

  42. test » Blog Archive » Comment on Shorter Amanda Carpenter by The Troof said,

    July 17, 2008 at 22:47

    [...] The Truth wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptSo who’s making the claim that:. the right-wing media make up anti-American statements and place them in Michelle Obama’s mouth? Did they think they could get away with fabricating Michelle’s university thesis? Are you kidding? … Read the rest of this great post here [...]

  43. The Truth said,

    July 17, 2008 at 22:49

    Hoosier -

    Just from the last few threads:

    I pointed out that Obama was referring to Latino immigration when he said that Americans should learn Spanish.

    I pointed out that Oklahoma was well within its rights to enforce existing laws against illegal immigration.

    I explained that Michelle brings attention on herself with her visible disdain for America and specifically white Americans.

    Hell, I even explained why liberals don’t like the New Yorker title, namely that the grain of truth in it hits way too close to home.

    Who’s owing who, Hoosier? November will be an early Christmas but until then you sad collection of groupthinkers will have to try a little harder.

  44. Geeno said,

    July 17, 2008 at 22:49

    Ummm – “Troof” is a parody of “Truth”. He’s on our side. The irony thing and all.

  45. Hoosier X said,

    July 17, 2008 at 22:52

    Ulp.

    I guess I was wrong about Truth knowing when to hide and lick his wounds.

    Sorry I gave you so much credit, buddy.

    Come back when you got some NEW conservative gibberish.

  46. g said,

    July 17, 2008 at 23:00

    Who’s owing who, Hoosier?

    I dunno, how about you owe us citations for all the un-substantiated assertions? We could start there, and then talk about the rest of what you owe.

  47. The Troof said,

    July 17, 2008 at 23:01

    Nuh uh, liberals.

    YOU are the ones who got PWNED!

    I proved that Michelle Obama hates America.

    I proved that Barack Obama is a secret Muslim/black Christian separatist/grey-poupon eating liberal.

    I showed that he has Nuremburg rally-like meeting that show that he is like a Nazi (even though I am not saying he is like a Nazi.)

    I proved that Barack Obama was going to force all Americans to learn Spanish.

    I proved that the New Yorker cover was wrong in trying to make fun of conservatives for their “alleged” views of Obama being a secret Muslim/radical terrorist, but that it was right in showing that Obama really is a secret Muslim/radical terrorist.

    You got PWNED!

    You GOT PWNED!

    YOU GOT PWNED!

    I said it three times and that makes things come true.

    Bow down before my superior mad rhetorical skilz, children!

  48. test » Blog Archive » Comment on Shorter Amanda Carpenter by The Troof said,

    July 17, 2008 at 23:11

    [...] on Shorter Amanda Carpenter by The Troof The Truth wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptSo who’s making the claim that:. [...]

  49. Lawnguylander said,

    July 17, 2008 at 23:15

    Wasn’t the truth revealed to be a Canadian (whatever that is) a while back? I think he’s Adam Yoshida.

    So, Adam, how high was your electric bill in April? And did you ever clean all those bugs out of your light fixture? That shit was disgusting, man.

  50. pedestrian said,

    July 17, 2008 at 23:18

    I pointed out that Obama was referring to Latino immigration when he said that Americans should learn Spanish.

    He said our children should learn other languages. The example he gave was French.

  51. Hoosier X said,

    July 17, 2008 at 23:31

    He said our children should learn other languages. The example he gave was French Freedom Language.

    Fixed.

  52. Matt T. said,

    July 17, 2008 at 23:37

    Good gravy, Hoosier. He’s pitiful.

  53. Hoosier X said,

    July 17, 2008 at 23:42

    I know, Matt T., I feel kinda bad.

    Maybe I should apologize and tell them he really is very convincing, and that we really are just liberal robots and are too stubborn or programmed or something, and we just can’t see that McCain is a much, much better choice, and that George W. Bush was a really, really good president, and that the master plan to change the Middle East into a democratic paradise was a brilliant plan until the liberals and the media and the protesters messed it up.

    So that way he can walk away and declare himself the winner and won’t hurt anybody.

  54. The Truth said,

    July 17, 2008 at 23:52

    Don’t you liberals ever get tired of being wrong? Obama was addressing bilingualism in the context of Latino immigrants being required to learn English.

    Yeah, I chose the same author as the topic of this thread; it is that easy to refute you.

  55. Matt T. said,

    July 17, 2008 at 23:56

    Oh, my god, he’s quoting TownHall as his proof. And still getting it fucking wrong. Dude, how in the hell you reckon he manages to figure out how to turn on the computer?

  56. Hoosier X said,

    July 18, 2008 at 0:05

    How does he get across the street? Or tie his shoes? Does someone else shave him?

    It’s a mystery.

  57. g said,

    July 18, 2008 at 1:12

    See this is the beauty of the right wing mind. You ask for a citation of a stated “fact”, and instead of citing an actual verbatim quote, a hard news story, or whatever, they cite an opinion column by someone whose opinion they share. I’m sure Amanda’s busy citing Da Troof’s comment as proof herself.

  58. test » Blog Archive » Comment on Shorter Amanda Carpenter by DN Nation said,

    July 18, 2008 at 1:55

    [...] Jeremy Stephens wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptYeah, good luck with that one, Trooth. Voters are really really really interested in completely harmless Michelle Obama quotes. Read the rest of this great post here [...]

  59. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    July 18, 2008 at 2:06

    g said,

    July 18, 2008 at 1:12

    See this is the beauty of the right wing mind. You ask for a citation of a stated “fact”, and instead of citing an actual verbatim quote, a hard news story, or whatever, they cite an opinion column by someone whose opinion they share. I’m sure Amanda’s busy citing Da Troof’s comment as proof herself.

    She could go for the original Ruppert, is she wanted to prove her diligence.

  60. Anglish Spoking Here said,

    July 18, 2008 at 2:43

    If you don’t spell her name Enema Carpandtar in her next ‘shorter’, I’m canceling my subscription.

  61. Learn Spanish said,

    July 22, 2008 at 19:27

    I saw what Obama said myself, and I don’t know what to think about it. I really don’t think any of the candidates will ever be able to help us the way we really need a leader to do so. One day I’m sure that we’ll all have to learn a foreign language. It seems that Spanish is just the first one on the list. It’s becoming a world society. And the only way for us to understand our neighbor is to speak his language. (Or get rid of ‘em–the U.S. is known for that)

    Well I’ve started learning Spanish so that I could get ahead of the inevitable. Here is some free Spanish to English translation. It helped me because they are the most common things latin americans talk about. So it covers almost any topic. Good luck to all of us who have to, want to, or need to learn another language to survive!

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