23
Department Of Public Affairs*
The Bad Boys,
One-a Dem Gummint Yards,
Trenchtown,
Kingston
Jamaica
June 23, 2008
National Association of Police Organizations,
317 South Patrick Street,
Alexandria,
Virginia 22314
USA
Dear Sirs and Madams,
Some time has passed since your query first reached our desk, and we wish at once to reassure you as to the careful and detailed consideration it has undergone, through various internal committees and in a number of fact-finding initiatives. Indeed, your repeated and ongoing entreaties seem to imply a perceived lack of interest on our part, and we hope it is to your relief and satisfaction to learn that the dilatory nature of our response is due exclusively to the great care and attention with which we have considered it.
This brings us directly to the first item. Simply, sirs and madams of law enforcement, the apparently ceaseless crescendo that your request has reached, its trumpeting repetition at all hours on cable and satellite television, has led us well to appreciate the claim that police naw give you no break.
The effect on our well-being has been noticeable. We should like to reserve special mention for Sheriff John Brown, whose coming has been heralded with such spectacular fanfare that we feel a clawing unease as each new sunset finds him still on his dawdling way. Truly, sirs and madams, it has lately begun to seem to us as though naw soldier-mon, naw even we i-dren — indeed, at times, that nobody — naw give us no break.
Our second item is by way of explanation. As you say, despite any troubling proclivities that we might have displayed at a young age, the public education system taught us to do unto others as we would have others do unto ourselves, such that the reasons for our unwise behavior might easily seem unclear. Nonetheless, we have come to believe that it is necessary, in life, to give vent to the choleric passions (e.g., activities including robbin’, stobbin’, lootin’, and a-shootin’), and perhaps here is the nexus of our disagreement, for we remain unconvinced as to the utility of relaxation as a counterstrategy.
Thus we come to the answer toward which you have so zealously inquired. Our intention, since you ask, is to chuck it on that one, to chuck it on this one, to do likewise to various mothers and fathers, to similarly treat an array of brothers and sisters, to once again chuck it on that one, and then to chuck it on Mr. Calton Coffie, until 1995 the lead vocalist of the reggae ensemble, Inner Circle. Our intention as to Coffie’s replacement, Kris Bentley, is to chuck it on him.
We hope this clears things up and look forward to finally meeting Sheriff John Brown, should he not continue, as it seems, to be held up by other commitments.
Best Wishes,
The Bad Boys
P.S.: Yuh nuh know seh wi nuh give a damn if dem hate wi.
* Cf.
Kathleen said,
June 23, 2008 at 19:48
hilarious, Gav. In the fine tradition of McSweeney’s:
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/4/6moe.html
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/7/11moe.html
President Franklin Delano Roosevelt™²³®© said,
June 23, 2008 at 20:13
Get up, stand up
Stand up for your rights!
Marita said,
June 23, 2008 at 20:15
Boston (and surrounding area) Sadlys — last chance to send me your e-mail addys (or you’ll like, miss out and stuff). E-mail me at marita at mit dot edu.
Also, for gratuitous spousal promotion, anyone who wants to do something nice for Gav can look here, here or here. Just sayin’.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
June 23, 2008 at 20:20
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
June 23, 2008 at 20:22
I and I will see you through.
Oregon Guy said,
June 23, 2008 at 20:23
Freedom of choice
Is what you got
Freedom from choice
Is what you want
In Ancient Rome
There was a dog
who had two bones
He sniffed the one
He sniffed the other
He ran in circles
till he fell dead
Freedom of choice
Is what you got
Freedom from choice
Is what you want
Freedom of choice!
mikey said,
June 23, 2008 at 20:49
Hi Marita.
Those are nice places and all, but by any chance is Gavin registered here?
mikey
Marita said,
June 23, 2008 at 20:54
Oh Mikey, I’m afraid not. My father might have a wishlist there, but not Gav. The closest thing to a weapon on our registries are very very sharp knives, for what it’s worth.
Righteous Bubba said,
June 23, 2008 at 20:56
The closest thing to a weapon on our registries are very very sharp knives, for what it’s worth.
A properly-trained blogger can kill with an ordinary sandwich.
Oregon Guy said,
June 23, 2008 at 21:03
Maybe you guys should be registered here?
roy edroso said,
June 23, 2008 at 21:09
An angry man is a funny man!
Marita said,
June 23, 2008 at 21:14
You’re right, Bubba. Gav is dangerous with a Sammich. Last guy who tried to mess with us, Gav just p’shopped an anvil in over his head. It was over fast.
I’m also pretty handy with my goalie stick, in ways that most people (on or off the ice) wouldn’t see coming. :)
Righteous Bubba said,
June 23, 2008 at 21:20
Last guy who tried to mess with us, Gav just p’shopped an anvil in over his head.
Avoid Acme products! I cannot stress that enough.
oldphort said,
June 23, 2008 at 21:23
I would like to be of an comment on the post, plz.
It weres an awesomeness!
Hysterical, actually.
Thanks, and thanks.
~oldphort
commie atheist said,
June 23, 2008 at 21:27
I LOVE CHEESE!!!!! AND MONKEY PAWS!!! FOOD IS A DREAM YOUR HEART MAKES
(from http://en.wikipedia.org/?title=Talk:John_Brown)
Jacob Singer said,
June 23, 2008 at 21:48
I’m guessing you’ve all been smoking a little in honor of the fallen Carlin, yes?
mikey said,
June 23, 2008 at 21:59
I’m also pretty handy with my goalie stick
Another in the series of phrases sure to be misinterpreted if I say them…
mikey
javafascist said,
June 23, 2008 at 22:21
Dear Righteous Bubba and Mikey,
As is custom by all internet traditions, of which we are aware, you owe me a new keyboard and monitor. For future reference, green tea stains. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.
Sincerely,
javafascist
Lawnguylander said,
June 23, 2008 at 22:51
I’ve never been the bogarting type so you can has some of my Bob Marley stash.
auggiesback said,
June 23, 2008 at 23:22
Hey, stupid liberal poopheads! YOU SUCK! Bush rules! The economy is awesome! We are winning in Iraq, moral values are back, leftist science is the new Lysenkoism and the Heartland rises! Your boy Osama is a looser!
Doctor Missus Marita said,
June 23, 2008 at 23:30
This parody troll is pretty weak sauce. Note to parody troll: pick one rant at a time and draw it out a little. Inform us of some new ‘facts’. Extoll the virtues of the current administration. Spread it out over a few comments. Don’t just blow your whole load in one short paragraph.
Seriously.
Gary Ruppert said,
June 23, 2008 at 23:31
The fact is, shut up Doctor Missus Marita.
Doctor Missus Marita said,
June 23, 2008 at 23:33
That’s better, right to the point, stuck to one subject, and still have some ammo left for your next post. The fact is, I’m impressed.
mikey said,
June 23, 2008 at 23:41
The fact is, calling me a poophead and saying “bush rules” is too clear a giveaway. It’s like you’re just phoning it in…
mikey
Gary Lolpert said,
June 23, 2008 at 23:42
Teh fact iz. i hz it.
PeeJ said,
June 23, 2008 at 23:44
You could also repeat everything fifty or sixty times in the same post but that woul;d be parody troll parodying. Or theft of e-persona. Or something.
+1 on getting ‘poop’ in there, though.
Google Arabic said,
June 24, 2008 at 0:18
I am at the top of turmoil frog wavered, and beads of race fell on my face and abundant water modesty, which spilled for the first time… Perhaps it is the latter.
bago said,
June 24, 2008 at 0:19
Sonds like someone needs to add ‘The Bukkit’ to their wedding registry.
Doctor Missus Marita said,
June 24, 2008 at 0:20
Oh noes! I’m not sure if I was just insulted or not! I’m going to guess I was.
Hmph. I already has a bukkit.
alec said,
June 24, 2008 at 0:39
They say that when they chose ‘Bad Boys’ as a little fascist anthem, they met with some resistance simply on the basis of it being reggae. You know – urban.
It’s a pity Obama isn’t what the righty Whities think he is; it wouldn’t be half what they deserve.
Pere O. D. Troll said,
June 24, 2008 at 1:10
Top McCain adviser says “terrorist attack on US would be good for McCain” Now that’s going over the line but what does O’Bambi do? Does he demand that the guy resign or get fired, as is proper? Noooo. We might well ask why.
Because the guy is BLACK, that’s why. They always stick together! Take, for the prime example, the OJ travesty of justice.
This ep[isode proves once again not only that O’Bambi can’t take the heat, but that he’s not really interested in fairness and justice, race will always prevail.
Pere O. D. Troll said,
June 24, 2008 at 1:12
See how I include links and facts and everything? You can’t argue the facts you elitist pricks.
Nikki said,
June 24, 2008 at 1:21
Spartacus Leathers has a very limited selection. I would register with Details or Extreme Restraints.
marita said,
June 24, 2008 at 1:24
Now that is some quality trolling. Well done, Mr. Pere!
Smut Clyde said,
June 24, 2008 at 1:35
I would register with Details or Extreme Restraints.
So vanilla. All the cool couples these days are branding each other with electrostatic generators.
Or so I heard.
President Franklin Delano Roosevelt™²³®© said,
June 24, 2008 at 1:49
Pirates!!
Electric Dragon said,
June 24, 2008 at 1:59
From: captain@sloopjohnb.com
To: john.stone@sheriff.nassautown.bs
Subj: crew
Sir,
I wish to apologise for the behaviour of my crew over the last twenty four hours. One crew member and his grandson had been without shore leave for some time, and consequently went a little bit “overboard” last night. I understand that they frequented many of the public houses of Nassau town, and imbibed somewhat overheavily, and that this led to a bout of fisticuffs with the locals.
As you are aware, my own vessel has not been unharmed by this incident. The constant hoisting up and setting of the mainsail has caused a certain amount of damage to the halyard, with consequent risk of luffing. The first mate, I believe, is still detained in the town gaol following his drunken breaking into of my trunk, and the chef is in the hospital with what the doctor says is maize poisoning. All of these shenanigans led to a number of calls for me to go ashore.
Please inform me as to when the chef is likely to be well enough to travel, and what procedure I need to follow to get the first mate released from incarceration. This will be of much succour to the rest of the crew, who are all complaining about homesickness and the overall quality of this voyage.
regards,
Captain Wilson.
Rugged in Montana said,
June 24, 2008 at 2:30
Note to parody troll: pick one rant at a time and draw it out a little.
Take pelicans, for instance. No, seriously, take them. Those bloodsucking vampires rule the skies over Montana and you LIE-bruls do NOTHING. The USA of America is being ruined by that and badger-spread rabies and you think electing a colored fella is gonna help matters? The President of the Heartland, George Willard Bush, being the jet pilot hero of the Battle of Iraq is the only candidate that is qualified for sky-bound pelican warfare, which is why I’m voting for him rather than Hitlery, who as a black man, has no jet pilot experience.
badger badger badger™²³®© said,
June 24, 2008 at 2:36
Mushroom! Mushroom!
vanderleun said,
June 24, 2008 at 4:20
Ha ha. I get it.
Oh, That's Just George said,
June 24, 2008 at 15:08
Hmm… Let’s see…
http://www.wcfcourier.com/articles/2008/06/01/news/regional/10378178.txt
http://www.wcfcourier.com/articles/2008/06/17/news/top_story/doc4856bbfea4c5d118219350.txt
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-ap-ia-bankrobbery,0,654294.story