As I’m sure you all know, very little in life gives me more pleasure than stupid people getting incredibly irate over totally meaningless things. It’s the reason I post on this site. So when Michelle Obama threw the dap at her husband a few days ago, I prayed a tiny little pray to my good friend Jesus: “Dear Lord in Heaven above,” I said, “If you love me the way I love you, you will let crazy right-wingers totally flip their shit over this utterly noncontroversial event.”
Well, folks, I don’t know about you, but I have proof that Jesus loves me, because not only did every square-butted news magazine in America stand agog and write a hilariously embarrassing “What is this crazy Negro fist-bump, anyway?” article, but enough Fightin’ Keyboarders percieved in the dap elements of gang affiliation, foreign nationialism or terrorist sympathy to keep me in tears all weekend.
To be fair to the wingnuts, most of them focused on the fact that a big deal is being made over nothing, and that the excessive coverage of Barry Obama and his wife throwing dap is sort of embarrassing. This is true, but it’s not funny. So, to be unfair to the wingnuts, many of them reacted exactly the way I hoped they would. Let’s watch!
Above: what really happened, and how the wingnuts saw it
Now, you know and I know that the dap, which even white people have been using since Tupac had a split-level fade, is about as harmless a gesture as the pound (for which it has often been confused during discussions of this non-event by white people). You may even recall seeing living proof of this on The Office, where Oscar and Kevin, not exactly the two most street-savvy characters on the show, exchange it from time to time after getting one over on Angela. But to some people — and by “people”, here, I mean “Freepers” — it’s still a symbol that as soon as Obama takes office, he’s going to go all Robert Mugabe on us:
The “fist bump” is just short of gang signing. Nice going Barry. (“carter”)
Fist bump? How charming. And what a marvelous example for all the black kids in projects all over the country…especially Chicago. It legitimizes being a thug and a punk. Nice. (“RexBeach”)
A kiss and a hug with your wife is appropriate. A fist pump??….spells Wright’s followers. (“Sacajaweau”)
It is more evidence of the penetration and corruption of our dominant culture by the minority. There will be a lot more of this if Obama gets into the White House. (“Ffranco”)
Meanwhile, over at Stop the ACLU, truck-window pinup queen Cassy Fiano is inspired to ‘80s-isms of her own, saying “gag me” at the Obama’s dap display; her commenters are even more blunt, calling the couple “getto [sic]” and expressing fears that next up are “a pimped-out Escalade”, “Spinners on the Presidential Limo”, “grafitti [sic] on Air Force One”, and “pants down around their butts”. Jenn at the Political Jungle finds it necessary to call one of the Obamas, though it’s not clear whether she means Barack or Michelle, a “Long Legged Pimp”, and a delightful “What Black People Are Up To Today” feature on Good Morning Yahoo! also lets the worms crawl out of the woodwork with comments like these:
THE NEXT THING WILL BE A BACKWARD BASEBALL HAT WITH USA FACING TO THE REAR. WILL THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER SOON BE A RAP SONG. (“CDM”)
I love the idea of a racist mullato being president. History has shown repeatedly, when Whites set up new countries and then give the control to the blacks, or any non-White race, it will soon collapse into another third world catastrophe. This is exactly what this ‘politically correct’ country needs so people will wake up. I hope OBAMA throws hip hop concerts on the White house lawn! (“heathengrafix”)
Obama’s wife is so ghetto!!! Our country will be in big trouble if he is elected!!! A video will be coming out of her telling “whitey to die”. Meaning white people! Higher taxes!!! Barack Hussein Obama??? A Muslim president??? We are fighting Muslim’s in Iraq for goodness sake!!! Come on people! (“Mark”)
At least Gore acted like a human. I can’t be denied that just about all their dance moves , walks and crazy handshakes mimik some kind of animal motion. What’s next? the knee in the crotch-hands above the head greeting? or maybe the Elbow thing. Putin will love that. If Prsident Obama disapproves of something will he be grabbing his balls with both hands and telling people where to go? (“cl652000”)
Another dispaly how Black “keep it real”-real dumb. Picture Obama and wife having to meet world dignitaries. 1st of all this Punk of a wanna-be presient doesn’t even salute his OWN flag. that will look retarted when the national anthem is played as he stands in front of other world officals. He never mentions race yet he acts more Black everyday. Russia China & Korea come! makes us all slaves now. (“Donnie O.”)
You got to be kidding, The fist “bump”, .America “WAKE UP”, You are getting your first taste of what it is going to be like electing Barack HUSSEIN Obama for president. Next you are going to see southern fried chicken, black-eyed peas, corn bread, and watermelon as your daily meal. Let’s not forget what Obama’s middle name is, funny thing, he never wants to use his middle name on his campaign. (“hoooch71”)
I find it to be tacky furthermore, it lessens the formal class of the White House. This is exactly what we are possibly letting into our nations leadership. I expect next we may see white house orchestra begin playing “hip hop”. If Obama is elected, I am retiring to the Bahama’s. (“jrw315”)
Amazing! All very informative stuff, but look – we all know that Barack and Michelle Obama are low-class ignorant ghetto gangstas. All you have to do is look at them to know that. The real question is, how does this alien fist-bumping gesture tie into their support of America-hating terrorists? At first, it seemed like granite-headed ex-dignitary Cal Thomas would clear it up for us; his column in Human Events was the first reference we could find to the dap as “’Hezbollah-style’ fist-jabbing”. But apparently, the comment became such an instant laughing-stock that it was removed from the HE website; it’s not even clear whether Thomas himself said it, or if it was a commenter. Less ambiguous, however, were our truth-seeking friends at FOX News; their E.D. Hill teased a typically Melvinish “what does this hep gesture mean to America, Chet?” segment by asking if what the Obamas force on our virgin eyes was “a fist bump? A pound? A terrorist fist jab?”
Strangely enough, Hill didn’t mention terrorist fist jabs in the actual piece, leaving millions of Americans uncertain as to whether major league baseball players are sending secret signals to their al-Q’aeda masters following every home run. Come on, FOX! You’re supposed to be on our side!