5
Jon Swift = still totally awesome
God, I love this dude:
McCain: Make Sure You Have the Right Change
[...]
Like many senior citizens, McCain knows what he is talking about. A lot of young whippersnappers who grew up with calculators and studied New Math in school can barely count, and if you don’t make sure you have the right change before you walk away from the cash register, they will accuse you of trying to cheat, so you have to count it right in front of them. And I don’t think it is racist to point out that a lot of the hired help in stores these days are minorities, who have not gone to the best schools. McCain would be the kind of President who would count America’s change and not be afraid to point out when we have been shortchanged, even if he has to ask the cashier to call the manager and make a scene.
It seems like all we have heard about in this election is how America wants change, but as John McCain pointed out in his speech, speaking very slowly and patiently and enunciating all of his words to make sure we all understood what he was saying, not all change is good. In fact, generally Americans don’t like too much change. We like to go out once a week for the Early Bird Special and order the exact same thing every time. It’s very economical and gives us a break in our routine. We would be very upset if it was discontinued and we had to order off the regular menu, which would still be more expensive even with coupons we clipped out of the newspaper. That kind of change would not be welcome at all.
I hope, for the simple sake of justice in this world, that Mr. Swift is being paid to write something by somebody. Because frankly, satirical writing that is this detailed, precise and incisive is very hard to come by.
some guy said,
June 5, 2008 at 14:32
there ain’t ho hyperlink there
Brad said,
June 5, 2008 at 14:38
Fixed. Thanks for pointing that out.
javafascist said,
June 5, 2008 at 14:41
McCain wants to make sure he gets his full five bees for that quarter.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
June 5, 2008 at 14:56
Finally!
Change we can live with.
edub said,
June 5, 2008 at 14:57
Glad Jon Swift is back. That site was billmonned for months.
OTB said,
June 5, 2008 at 14:58
Ah, wonderful way to start the day.
Legalize said,
June 5, 2008 at 15:03
McCain: Change You Can Feel Moderately Comfortable With!!
Magda Carter said,
June 5, 2008 at 15:12
I used to go to the shop and buy bread but now I buy bread and donuts? Is that it?
No wonder Obama is going to win win win come November.
Jim said,
June 5, 2008 at 15:39
McCain: Change for a Dollar
El Cid said,
June 5, 2008 at 15:46
Wasn’t John McCain himself among one of those slick-talking salesmen types in the Keating 5 which absconded with the entire Savings & Loan portion of the U.S. banking system, earning slaps on the hand and costing the taxpayers from the Reagan-pushed proposal about $400 BILLION in 1990 dollars?
henry lewis said,
June 5, 2008 at 16:00
John McCain is not afraid of technology. Sometimes, when he’s feeling saucy, he’ll use the red half of the typewriter ribbon.
not even an mba said,
June 5, 2008 at 16:06
Given his record you can count on McCain changing his positions, er – sorry to all the folks who didn’t want to hear McCain and positions in the same sentence.
noen said,
June 5, 2008 at 16:15
I wonder if Jon Swift isn’t a teacher. The timing would be about right.
not even an mba said,
June 5, 2008 at 16:30
BiPM at the Great Orange Satan also has a friendly critique of the speech. Here’s an excerpt:
web design said,
June 5, 2008 at 16:31
Thanks for the information.
gjdodger said,
June 5, 2008 at 16:46
“McAncient: Correct Change We Can Count On.” Or, “Upon Which We Can Count,” whatever. He finished last in his class at the Academy, so it’s not like grammar is his strong suit.
not even an mba said,
June 5, 2008 at 16:52
There you lie-berals go again. John Sidney McCain the Third finished 894/899, hardly last.
Chinn Romney said,
June 5, 2008 at 16:55
How do you parodize something as ridiculous as a the current controlling wing of the Republican Party? Some of the commentators can’t even tell the difference, which puts a little extra cha-cha into the mix. Jon does a heckuva job (TM) pulling it off.
not even an mba said,
June 5, 2008 at 16:57
John Sidney McCain III. Wow. How come no one’s poked fun of this yet? I mean with all the Hussein X’s out there, shouldn’t someone be using John Sidney McCain III? I’m going to start calling him JiSM 3.
cur said,
June 5, 2008 at 17:20
McCain can use the old SNL commercial for his campaign spot.
http://blog.stewtopia.com/2007/11/20/snl-the-change-bank/
Change is a two way street.
jim said,
June 5, 2008 at 20:43
McCain: Change You HAVE To Believe In, Because The Evidence-Route Is Closed Indefinitely For Repairs.
I saw about a minute of his “speech” & had to stop – the left-center-right head-fake gave me the heebie-jeebies. He looks literally Animatronic, & has the voice to match … either that man is drastically medicated out the wazoo, OR … dun dun DUNNNNN … has anyone ever seen people from Disney’s “Imagineers” outfit hanging around backstage at his events? Just asking.
Rightwingsnarkle said,
June 5, 2008 at 21:20
Roger that.
Mister Swift is the shit.
Adara said,
June 5, 2008 at 21:51
I want to give Swift a hug.
Tom said,
June 5, 2008 at 21:52
If he’s elected, we will all be saying, “Got any spare change?” to J. Sidney McCain III.
sagra said,
June 5, 2008 at 22:29
Back in the day, $400 billion was a lot of money.
Davis said,
June 5, 2008 at 23:00
For once, the pseudonym is apt.
PaminBB said,
June 5, 2008 at 23:38
Thanks for the link, Mr. Swift’s posts have gotten erratic and I forget to check.
As to change – I prefer quarters. Screw pennies.
shaun said,
June 6, 2008 at 2:31
either that man is drastically medicated out the wazoo,
I believe that the medication goes in the wazoo, not out.
Gabriel Ratchet said,
June 6, 2008 at 7:18
He’s actually an entertainment journalist in real life (I know him slightly). Out of deference to his privacy I won’t say anything more than that.
merl said,
June 6, 2008 at 11:47
John Sydney McCain III was the NVA’s best bomber pilot.
Smgumby said,
June 6, 2008 at 12:24
I’m so glad to see Jon Swift blogging again! I hope he keeps it up!
Krassen said,
June 6, 2008 at 13:24
Now, now, Magda Carter, if I were you, I would refrain from buying donuts, at least until we have clearance on which brands are ideologically pure and 100% jihadi-free. Same for arugula and other leafy vegetables.
Stay tuned!
SoundView said,
June 6, 2008 at 22:53
…point out that a lot of the hired help in stores these days are minorities
Well up here in the Great Northwest, I’m seeing a lot of older folks working in the stores as “hired help” (who the hell says that?). See a lot of minorities going off to work at Microsoft everyday and they aren’t cleaning the toilets, but those aren’t the type of minorities that scare McCain.
The Texas Blue said,
June 12, 2008 at 7:30
FOX News Gets The Fever…
Apparently the producers at FOX News learned the lessons of Richard Nixon and Lee Atwater quite well. Via Sadly, No:
Wow. A Princeton Bachelor’s, a Harvard J.D., employment at Sidley Austin, the City of Chicago and the University of Chicago only ge…