May
26

Misguided Butt Missile Ignites, Launches, Explodes




Posted at 19:01 by Tintin
“What’s the use of four bars if nobody will take my
calls?”


The ol’ Butt-Missile, John Hinderaker, whose delusional love for his “big brother” Bush knows virtually no limits, has apparently been institutionalized for the past four years and has not been able to read a newspaper:

Are We Safer?

[I]t seems beyond dispute that something has made us safer since 2001. Over the course of the Bush administration, successful attacks on the United States and its interests overseas have dwindled to virtually nothing.

2003
May: Suicide bombers killed 10 Americans, and killed and wounded many others, at housing compounds for westerners in Saudi Arabia.

October: More bombings of United States housing compounds in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia killed 26 and injured 160.

2004
There were no successful attacks inside the United States or against American interests abroad.

2005
There were no successful attacks inside the United States or against American interests abroad.

2006
There were no successful attacks inside the United States or against American interests abroad.

2007
There were no successful attacks inside the United States or against American interests abroad.

2008
So far, there have been no successful attacks inside the United States or against American interests abroad.

Oh, great and mighty Gazoogle, can you help us here?

Thanks, Mr. Gazoogle!

Are We Safer?

[I]t seems beyond dispute that something nothing has made us safer since 2001. Over the course of the Bush administration, successful attacks on the United States and its interests overseas have dwindled to virtually nothing continued apace.

2003
May: Suicide bombers killed 10 Americans, and killed and wounded many others, at housing compounds for westerners in Saudi Arabia.

October: More bombings of United States housing compounds in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia killed 26 and injured 160.

2004
There were no successful attacks inside the United States or against American interests abroad.
May, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia: terrorists attack the offices of a Saudi oil company in Khobar, Saudi Arabia, take foreign oil workers hostage in a nearby residential compound, leaving 22 people dead including one American.

June, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia: terrorists kidnap and execute Paul Johnson Jr., an American, in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. 2 other Americans and BBC cameraman killed by gun attacks.

December, Jeddah, Saudi Arabia: terrorists storm the U.S. consulate, killing 5 consulate employees. 4 terrorists were killed by Saudi security.

2005
There were no successful attacks inside the United States or against American interests abroad.
November, Amman, Jordan: Suicide bombers hit 3 American hotels, Radisson, Grand Hyatt, and Days Inn, in Amman, Jordan, killing 57. Al-Qaeda claimed responsibility.

2006
There were no successful attacks inside the United States or against American interests abroad.

March, Karachi, Pakistan: Four people, including a U.S. diplomat, were killed and 52 others were injured when a suicide bomber rammed the diplomat’s car outside the Karachi Marriott – yards away from the U.S. consulate.

2007
There were no successful attacks inside the United States or against American interests abroad.

January, Islamabad, Pakistan: A suicide bomber attacks Marriott Hotel.

January, Athens, Greece: A terrorist group fires anti-tank missile at U.S. Embassy.

2008
So far, there have been no successful attacks inside the United States or against American interests abroad.

January, Beirut, Lebanon: An explosion apparently targeting a U.S. Embassy vehicle convoy killed three civilians and injured at least 22 others, including several employees of the American Embassy in Lebanon.

There. Fixed.

45 Comments »

  1. Stephen Ockham said,

    May 26, 2008 at 19:04

    Jebus that guy is a dolt.

    I love the caption/pic combo.

  2. neil said,

    May 26, 2008 at 19:06

    In what sense do American bases and troops in Iraq not count as “American interests abroad?” Sheesh.

  3. not even an mba said,

    May 26, 2008 at 19:08

    I’m glad that all of that shit getting mortared every day in the Green Zone doesn’t count as American interests.

  4. g said,

    May 26, 2008 at 19:09

    In what sense do American bases and troops in Iraq not count as “American interests abroad?”

    Well, in the sense that you’re Assrocket and want to make your point. Obviously.

    We’re winning! EleventyOne111!!!!

  5. Arky H8r of VürdPress said,

    May 26, 2008 at 19:11

    I see this as progress. Buttlauncher has conceded that there have been no acts of terrorism in Iraq or Afghanistan, which amounts to calling BushCo a bunch of liars.

    Filthee Lieberul!

  6. not even an mba said,

    May 26, 2008 at 19:11

    Shoot, damn you neil, to quote a brilliant philospher:
    Ahhhh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

  7. Satan's Dirty Underwear said,

    May 26, 2008 at 19:14

    But…But…But…

    There haven’t been any attacks IN AMERICA! That proves that the great and glorious leader has made us safer! So what if it was eight years between previous attacks? So what if they might have maybe sort-of could’ve possibly misinterpretated one lousy piece of very fuzzy non-specific intelligence?

    That doesn’t matter. Hello? Is anybody out there? Why won’t you talk to meeeeee!??!?!

  8. Ordained Atheist said,

    May 26, 2008 at 19:15

    Iz we safer yet? There is a special logic behind the claim that, because there haven’t been terrorist attacks in the US since 9/11 [coughanthraxcough], Uncle W must be doing something right. But but but … one could have used that same special logic on Sept 10, 2001. See how safe we wuz then? Hadn’t been no attacks on Merkin soil for years …

  9. not even an mba said,

    May 26, 2008 at 19:17

    rightwing rules of evidence:
    no terrorist attacks on US soil = we’re winning the war on terror
    no terrorist attacks on US soil = we must remain vigilant and surrender our civil liberties
    no terrorist attacks on US soil = Jimmy Carter worst president EVAR!!!

    no WMDs or WMD programs = clear and present danger, it was clearly the right thing to invade

  10. Me said,

    May 26, 2008 at 19:23

    If we’re so safe, how come the Tuchus Tomahawk and others of his ilk can’t stop shitting their pants?

  11. Anon said,

    May 26, 2008 at 19:24

    Shouldn’t attacks on the coalition be considered an attack on American “interests”?

    Here’s one example:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/7_July_2005_London_bombings

  12. Bitter Scribe said,

    May 26, 2008 at 19:29

    And he sees himself as anything but a lame duck, which is why he is stumping for Republican candidates around the country.

    Oh yes! PLEASE PLEASE GOD YES!

  13. mikey said,

    May 26, 2008 at 19:36

    Well, then, if assrocket is right, then the war on terrah’s over and we can bring our troops out of iraq, right?

    Also, if we’re “safer” then why is Iran the “greatest existential threat to america today”?

    I mean, how can you be safe when you’re just a small miscalculation from going to war with an implacable foe?

    mikey

  14. Arky H8r of VürdPress said,

    May 26, 2008 at 19:54

    “Tuchus Tomahawk” did cause me to hyuck water through my sinuses and all over the keyboard.

  15. Me said,

    May 26, 2008 at 20:21

    “Tuchus Tomahawk” did cause me to hyuck water through my sinuses and all over the keyboard.

    It was between that and “Anal Exocet”, but that wasn’t alliterative enough.

  16. Chick Deney said,

    May 26, 2008 at 20:23

    Because of us, you’re safe! Except for the TERRIBLE TERRIBLE DANGER waiting to DESTROY US ALL, of course.

  17. PeeJ said,

    May 26, 2008 at 20:27

    We don’t need the glorious leader! Kristol says McSame is going to win so that pretty much settles it. Done deal.

  18. SomeNYGuy said,

    May 26, 2008 at 20:52

    It was between that and “Anal Exocet”, but that wasn’t alliterative enough.

    And besides, I’m pretty sure you can buy that over the counter now without a prescription.

  19. Søren Kierkegaard, said,

    May 26, 2008 at 22:09

    My existential threat — let me show you it.

  20. goat or panic said,

    May 26, 2008 at 22:16

    2004? I wonder why terrorism magically stopped in 2004?

    Oh yeah,

    “The State Department announced last week that it was breaking with tradition in withholding the statistics on terrorist attacks from its congressionally mandated annual report.”

    Here’s a link from the reality based community:

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/04/26/AR2005042601623.html

    Headline:
    “U.S. Figures Show Sharp Global Rise In Terrorism”

    Shorter “Anal Exocet”:

    We’ve stopped counting terrorist attacks so therefore terrorism is down.

  21. Some Guy said,

    May 26, 2008 at 22:25

    Silly LIEbrals! Those who were dumb enough to enlist deserve to get killed! Morn not their deaths, for they are low income and do not count to Us.

    I never really understood why it’s all-important that the terrorist attacks occur “inside the US” in order to count. Not the least of which is why they would then care about the USS Cole so much, since it was outside the US at the time AND is a viable military target. As we’ve seen time and time again, they don’t seem to equate the deaths of military personal as particularly upsetting. Maybe they just really really like yachts boats, so it hits close to home?

    Or maybe they just need to the people to be killed far enough away that they can put it out of mind, not unlike how a two year old thinks that when mommy ducks behind her hand, she is gone forever.
    These are probably the people who take their cars in to the mechanics to get the tire pressure worked on, rather then have to deal with the heartbreak fo doing it *le gasp* themselves.

    *apologies if my attempt at using spiffy fonts screws up text. fingers crossed.

  22. not even an mba said,

    May 26, 2008 at 23:06

    Anal Exocet should be in the wingnut help thread. How about:
    Sacral Scud
    Netherzonez Nike
    Icy Bowel Movement
    Fire and Forget
    Gluteus Megaton

  23. Smut Clyde said,

    May 26, 2008 at 23:53

    Storm Shadow Suppository

  24. Nietzsche said,

    May 27, 2008 at 0:04

    Existential threat?
    Nice lot of idols you have here. Be a shame if anything happened to them.

  25. mchuge.net » Remember said,

    May 27, 2008 at 0:44

    [...] Update: And his name shall be Assrocket. [...]

  26. DocAmazing said,

    May 27, 2008 at 1:53

    Rectal Redstone?
    Anal Atlas-Centaur?
    MX-Lax?
    Backdoor Midgetman?

  27. DocAmazing said,

    May 27, 2008 at 1:57

    Sodomy LAWS?
    Vertical-smile Vostok?
    Sigmoid Saturn V?

  28. August J. Pollak said,

    May 27, 2008 at 1:58

    Klein’s Law: Powerline, we must begin to understand, has no fucking idea what they’re talking about at any given moment.

  29. Mike said,

    May 27, 2008 at 2:02

    Let’s not forget Iraq. We’re attacked there every single day by people the President refers to as ‘terrorists.’

    Wingnuts always want to have it both ways:

    1. We haven’t been attacked

    and

    2. We’re fighting ‘terrorists’ in Iraq and the terrorists are the ones killing US troops..

  30. henry lewis said,

    May 27, 2008 at 2:04

    The Stinger Of Stool?

  31. not even an mba said,

    May 27, 2008 at 2:31

    Perineum Polaris
    Prostate Propelled Grenade
    Sphincter Titan-er

    All with Nuclear Fissure warheads!

  32. SamFromUtah said,

    May 27, 2008 at 2:33

    Ha! “Gluteus Megaton” gets my vote.

    I can’t believe Gluteus there even attempts to show his face in public knowing he famously wrote that Bush is “A man of extraordinary vision and brilliance approaching to genius”.

  33. Kathleen said,

    May 27, 2008 at 2:46

    here’s what “Reagan’s Ghost” has to say in the PL comments:

    Who cares if terrorism is up in Iraq and the rest of the world?

    The last time I checked, those people weren’t Americans. I’m betting most of them aren’t Christians either. As long as the car bombs aren’t going off here, I could care less.

    just .. wow.

  34. not even an mba said,

    May 27, 2008 at 3:08

    Indeed, I despise that horrible phrase. Hey Reagan’s Ghost, it’s that you “could NOT care less. Unless you really mean that if your family and neighbours were being blown to bits by IEDs, you’d be less concerned.

  35. another jim said,

    May 27, 2008 at 9:38

    As an addition to all above – what about the Anthrax attacks?

    And, as another point – perhaps someone can inform Mr. Buttocksputnik that attacks on our soldiers and civilians in Iraq be counted as, well, attacks?

    Since our soldiers are voluntarily taking fire on the orders of neoconmen who avoided military service when it was required by law, it seems at least honorable that soldiers be recognized as being attacked. And not treated, as Kurt Vonnegut put so well, with the disdain of a rich kid’s christmas toys.

    What is there to do but shake one’s head and say “For fuck’s fucking sake.”

  36. Reagan's Ghost said,

    May 27, 2008 at 9:46

    I could care less. Unlike you, who can care no less than nothing, I can use my mighty dementia powers to care less than nothing about all sorts of things, from intrauterine explosive devices to phone cords, fertilizer invoices, whether there’s enough bread in the laundry, roll-on antiperspirant, matchsticks, AIDS, and pancakes. Battleship pancake, cakes, cake pans, pill lady?

  37. not even an mba said,

    May 27, 2008 at 15:18

    Geez. There it is again. Please try to follow the basic rules of the english language. It’s “For fuck’s NOT fucking sake”. Try and understand, fucks don’t fuck, they are fucked, so they can’t be fucking. Simple object-subject confusion drives me nuts. Unless we’re talking about a case wherethe fuck is fucking itself, then I take it all back. I’m not going to indict any sorts of wanking here.

  38. Southern Beale said,

    May 27, 2008 at 18:44

    You forgot a few. Here’s another one:

    2005: U.S. consulate in Karachi closed because of security concerns.

    Also, suicide bombers detonated a string of explosions at tourist hot-spots on the island of Bali, killing 19 and injuring at least 132. “Included in the wounded are 68 Indonesians, 20 Australians, six Koreans, four Americans, four Japanese, with five others unidentified, according to Indonesia’s Health Minister Siti Fadilah Supari.”

    I’m sure there are plenty of others.

    The sad thing is, people believe this bullshit because they want to.

  39. RobertSeattle said,

    May 27, 2008 at 23:17

    He must have used that special Google seach flag
    /I_AM_BUSH_APOLOGIST

    Which Google’s search engine interprets as “Don’t return any hits that doesn’t confirm my preconceived notions”

  40. croatoan said,

    May 27, 2008 at 23:43

    So far, there have been no successful attacks inside the United States

    October 2001, five Americans are killed inside the United States by “weapons of mass destruction” in what President Bush calls ” second wave of terrorist attacks upon our country.”

    “Four Americans have died as a result of these acts of terrorism…The Postal Service and the FBI have offered a reward of up to $1 million for information leading to the arrest and the conviction of the anthrax terrorists…We do not yet know who sent the anthrax–whether it was the same terrorists who committed the attacks on September the 11th, or whether it was the–other international or domestic terrorists. We do know that anyone who would try to infect other people with anthrax is guilty of an act of terror…I’m proud of our citizens’ calm and reasoned response to this ongoing terrorist attack.”

  41. RealityCheck said,

    May 28, 2008 at 0:01

    This guy is a well known liar and he is also a racist that referred to blacks in America as the n word. He is a disgrace and the fact that anyone listens to him shows how uneducated some people are.

  42. Charlie said,

    May 28, 2008 at 1:42

    What about the diplomat assassinated in Khartoum last year?

  43. Krassen said,

    May 28, 2008 at 3:01

    I read an astounding statistics yesterday (Memorial Day) that EACH year there are more than 6,000 suicides among veterans. For comparison 9/11 only toook 3,000.
    Now, you can make the point that large fraction of these are not related to Posttraumatic stress syndrome or other issues associated with participating in pointless wars. Sure, these people take their lives because they are teased by the mean kids…

  44. Gore Vidal Sassoon said,

    February 14, 2009 at 2:50

    1978, no-one died. 1979, no-one died. 1980, no-one died. 1981, no-one died. 1982, someone died.

  45. Lucky we have Google said,

    November 29, 2011 at 22:09

    [...] Richard. I’m still a little groggy from the drugs they’ve been giving me but thanks to Sadly No, who have learned the secrets of the Google, I think we can answer your question about our relative [...]

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