Apr
30

Zirkles in Circles!




Posted at 1:57 by D. Aristophanes

(With apologies to Theodor Geisel.)

Do you ever sit and ponder
Why your wife is leaving you?
Why she doesn’t sew and launder
Like she used to mostly do?

Is it just a passing phase?
Has she simply gone insane?
Does the woman have tri-ath-a-leets
On her tiny, wee pea brain?

That’s what I thunk, I’m here to say
I thunk it just like you
But I thunk it wrong and I thunk it gay
And you thunk it gay-wrong, too!

For if you listen hard on a windy day
And tie your brain all in a circle
You may just, maybe, might just may
Hear the wisdom of the Zirkle.

I’m here to say that in this way
I’ve heard the Zirkle’s tale
If you’d care to hear what I heard-say
I’m here to make that sale!

‘Pull up a chair,’ he did begin
‘Have some soup and sit a spell
‘It’s enough to turn you outside-in
‘This tale I’m going to tell.

‘I’ll tell it quick, I’ll tell it plain,’
Said the Zirkle with a frown
Pausing only oh-so briefly
To briefly hump the ground.

‘Your wife, well, she’s a goner
‘She’s gone and floop’d the coop
‘She’s left you for the pleasures
‘Of the porno floop-de-loop!’

It hit me like an old red brick
Could this Zirkle’s words be real?
‘Of course,’ he yelled, ‘don’t be so thick!
‘Get used to your new deal!

‘No more late night Yahtzee!
‘No more wholesome games of Clue!
‘You can’t role-play Bedroom Nazi
‘When you’re missing your She-Jew!’

‘But how,’ I asked, as the Zirkle fumed
And fussed in his Zirkle way
And opened up his Zirkle mouth
To have his Zirkle say:

‘She put something ‘tween her legs, see
‘To meet some whorish need
‘To tickle her own eggs, she
‘Don’t need your blanchy seed!

‘It’s called, they say, a dee-vorce aid
‘Jews ship ‘em by the wagon
‘Next thing you know, your wife’s in bed
‘With the Tyrant King Porn Dragon!

‘This Dragon, he’s the King of Porn
‘Part Tyrant and part King
‘With his Porny, Kingy, Tyrant horn
That’s far bigger than your thing!

‘He satisfies her in the bed
‘With his Tyrant Dragon Porn
‘He satisfies her on a sled
‘And while she’s eating corn!

‘Next thing you know, you’re on your own
‘Betrayed to the Jew Porn Male
‘(The Black Man also played a part
‘But that’s a different tale.)

‘It’s happening most everywhere
‘Swept the nation as it ‘twere
‘Running off with Jews is all the rage
‘From Bryn Mawr to Big Sur.

‘Stan’s wife, she left him for a Jew
‘And Jim Fipkin’s and Joe Fop’s
‘Not to mention their rich cousin,
‘Archduke Arthur Blipkin-Blop’s!

‘Yesterday, Pete found his gal
‘Muff-deep in Dragon heaven
‘Today, Pete saw her going down
‘On a hook-nosed Jew named Levin!

‘So listen up, young white men!’
Screamed the Zirkle, turning blue
‘The Tyrant Porn King Dragon
‘Is the Right Hand of the Jew!’

With that the Zirkle disappeared
To chase the Porno King
But just before he vanished
He uttered one last thing:

‘Stop sobbing on your pillows
‘In your mansions, at your ranches!
‘It’s time to get your act together,
‘You ad-dic-tion prone blanches!’

52 Comments »

  1. Je support les troops said,

    April 30, 2008 at 2:05

    Amazing!

  2. DocAmazing said,

    April 30, 2008 at 2:06

    “Mister,” he said, as we rattled our forks;
    “I am the Zirkle. I speak for the dorks.”

  3. Lesley said,

    April 30, 2008 at 2:07

    ‘This Dragon, he’s the King of Porn
    ‘Part Tyrant and part King
    ‘With his Porny, Kingy, Tyrant horn
    That’s far bigger than your thing!

    Though the rhyming’s off a tad in places, Seuss’d be proud of your efforts in spadeses.

    (Seuss must be rolling in his grave about the Grinch of Austria. The resemblance is astonishing, no?)

  4. Oprah's Gary said,

    April 30, 2008 at 2:30

    The fact is, this is awesome.

  5. biff3000 said,

    April 30, 2008 at 2:42

    *sniff* Beautiful!

  6. D. Sidhe said,

    April 30, 2008 at 2:44

    Awesome indeed. But I’m so creeped out that I know what this is about. My God, what am I filling my brain with these days? I gotta stop paying attention to the news, I just gotta. It’s doing no one any good.

  7. addiction prone blanches™³²®© said,

    April 30, 2008 at 2:45

    Zirkle gets the square!

  8. mikey said,

    April 30, 2008 at 3:00

    Oh! My favorite game. I can go on (and on and on and on…)

    Sorry.

    In a land far off out in the east
    The land of the Dee Vorse aids
    They produce the tools of the beast
    That tempt the Western Maids

    These aren’t implements of god, Oh no
    Not something you would share
    You wouldn’t want your wife to know
    She could avail herself of this fare

    But the Dee Vorse aids are everywhere
    They’re in your corner store
    But a proper lady walks right in?
    Out walks a sleazy whore

    She rubs it on her secret place
    You know, the one that smells and weeps
    Then she’s prancing around in silk and lace
    And she SMILES when she sleeps

    We can’t allow this crime to stand
    We simply can’t, you know
    See, many of us are just so bland
    But we dream about a ho

    You know, one who does those special things
    We just can’t say out loud
    I know, the hot wax prob’ly stings
    But I’m just not well endowed

    We’ve got stop this evil scourge
    We’ve got to end the slattery
    We find our culture on the verge
    I know! Let’s withhold the battery!

    mikey

  9. Bullsmith said,

    April 30, 2008 at 3:03

    Bravo.

    I only fear that the Zirkle has now been anthropomorphized. I don’t want to start feeling sorry for it.

  10. Oprah's Mingy said,

    April 30, 2008 at 3:04

    Shut up, Gary.

  11. D. Aristophanes said,

    April 30, 2008 at 3:06

    I think The Zirkle has something that’s two sizes too small.

  12. addiction prone blanches™³²®© said,

    April 30, 2008 at 3:09

    Perhaps the Zirkle has only one ball?

  13. justme said,

    April 30, 2008 at 3:21

    What? Post Of The Year, already? It’s still April.

    Absolutely awesome.

  14. justme said,

    April 30, 2008 at 3:25

    I think The Zirkle has something that’s two sizes too small.

    I don’t think it’s his heart. He hasn’t got one at all.

  15. Homosexuals are aids monkeys said,

    April 30, 2008 at 3:30

    Pie

  16. Lesley said,

    April 30, 2008 at 3:33

    I’ll raise you two sizes on your two sizes.

  17. Lesley said,

    April 30, 2008 at 3:38

    May I just say I’m hating on this Homosexuals are aids monkeys asshole. Everytime I see his nick I want to vomit. He’s the worst of the lot of trolls who visit here.

  18. JGabriel said,

    April 30, 2008 at 3:42

    Lessons learned (or not) by Republicans from public reaction to the Zirkle Incident:

    People don’t like Nazis or Nazi Sympathizers – who knew? It’s just one of those things no one could have predicted.

    .

  19. mikey said,

    April 30, 2008 at 3:43

    Everytime I see his nick I want to vomit. He’s the worst of the lot of trolls who visit here.

    Y’know, I’d like to second that. I’m not sure what an “aids monkey” is, but the very phrase offends me. What “Homosexuals” are is people. I don’t know what it takes to get moderated here, but that kind of dehumanizing horseshit is less acceptable to me than eliminationist rhetoric, which is pretty unacceptable by itself.

    C’mon guys. Your policy is admirable, but enforce some kind of accountability. all you gotta do is ban the most egregious offenses and if they wanna keep posting they’ll stay in bounds. That’s not censorship, that’s community.

    God dammit….

    mikey

  20. justme said,

    April 30, 2008 at 3:43

    Okay, which one of you magnificent bastards sent the Tone-Man this little gem…

    Are there any lonely men who might want to save a Jewish Prostitute? If so, contact this fine Yiddish hottie.

    —————————- Original Message —————————-
    Subject: Let Me Be Your Eva Braun
    From: “Magda Korewa”
    Date: Fri, April 25, 2008 2:35 pm
    To: Campaign2008@TonyZirkle.com
    ————————————————————————–

    Dear Toneleh,

    I know you’re reading this, baby. Your diatribe about the porn dragon got me
    so worked up, and I can tell that underneath it all you’re a real mensch. Is
    that a promise to come talk to me in person? I’m kvelling! Meet me at the
    Jewish Prostitution and Pornography Cabal Headquarters this Shabbes. I know
    it’s a bit of a schlep out to Hollywood, but I promise you I’ll make it
    worth your while. You’ll be up to your ears in prostitutes! We’ve got zaftig
    girls, schvartzers, faygeles, bubbes, zaydes, kinderlach…you name it! We
    have the video that started World War II: “One Night in Anne Frank’s
    Tuchis”… to die for! Or if that’s not your thing, we have the unrated
    version of “Triumph of the Will”. Lots of close-ups on Hitler’s single
    glistening ball. Oy, you’ll love it! After we discuss my inflammatory
    remarks, can we schtup? Maybe just a little nosh on my tushie? WRITE
    BACK!!!!!

  21. addiction prone blanches™³²®© said,

    April 30, 2008 at 3:45

    It wouldn’t bother me one little bit if some wise Sadly, No!sian decided to ban haam, Lesley.

    Parody troll or not, it is teh suXXorz.

  22. Homosexuals are aids monkeys said,

    April 30, 2008 at 3:48

    Pie

  23. Smut Clyde, inspired by Blue Oyster Cult said,

    April 30, 2008 at 3:59

    They have killed the great porn dragon
    Who led the wives astray
    They stripped him of his fantasies
    Downloaded every day
    They took away his divorce aids
    And the censors took his porn
    And the dragon reaches out blind hands
    He can fuck the stars no more.

  24. J— said,

    April 30, 2008 at 4:11

    Dr. Seuss, the Tyrant Porn King Dragon, divorce aids, D. Aristophanes, BOC—Zwi Migdal controls them all.

  25. Strangething said,

    April 30, 2008 at 4:21

    I must add my voice to the ban haam movement. If only to say “ban haam.”

    He he is an offensive creep of a troll, and his name drags in trackback spam from that AIDS splog.

  26. cowalker said,

    April 30, 2008 at 4:23

    I’m sure glad I had finished my beverage before I read this post.

  27. Lesley said,

    April 30, 2008 at 4:26

    Let’s face, it Mr Homophobe wouldn’t get away with wearing a sandwich board that screams homosexuals are aids monkeys in public, but for some reason I fail to understand or appreciate, he’s given free rein on the liberal leftwing Intertubes – that doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings – to parade his vile hatred freely and without consequence.

    Heaven forbid this astoundingly wonderful contributor to sadlyno’s comment thread be threatened with a ban…what might the virtual world become without the fucker? a tad more civilized?

    if I met this son of a bitch on the street I’d be tempted to kick him in his two-sizes too small place repeatedly before dialing 911.

  28. justme said,

    April 30, 2008 at 5:02

    Oh, come on. Somebody more Seussian than I had best come up with a decent “I do not like this spew by HAAM”, or I will lose all respect for S,N.

  29. Smut Clyde said,

    April 30, 2008 at 5:48

    I would not be surprised if ‘Ban Haam’ turned out to be the name of a Bollywood musical.

  30. mikey said,

    April 30, 2008 at 6:12

    Ban Haam is twice the man
    Your mother will ever by
    Ban Haam can kiss your can
    He’s better than you times three

    Ban Haam is a righteous man
    He eats nails and moldy beets
    Ban Haam hit three grand slams
    And sprays lava from his teats….

    mikey

  31. Snorghagen said,

    April 30, 2008 at 6:31

    I do not like green eggs and Haam.

    I’ve been assuming that Haam is just the latest version of Saul. And I’ve always been in favor of banning him in all his variations.

  32. Dan Someone said,

    April 30, 2008 at 6:59

    Oh man… I stepped in the forums over there, and before I go scour my eyes with bleach, I wanted to share this post with you:

    Richardgwm
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2008
    Posts: 1

    Tony,

    You have said you will speak to any group that invites you. I am Director of the Chicago branch of the North American Man Boy Love Association. I am formally inviting you to come and speak to our group. I have sent contact information to you at your law firm. We are eager to hear you speak to our group.

    Perfecto!

  33. OneMan said,

    April 30, 2008 at 7:47

    DA, let me just add to the chorus, that was beautiful.

  34. Snowwy said,

    April 30, 2008 at 8:10

    DA,

    In humble thanks for this post, kindly allow me to buy you a drink at the next SF Drinking Sadly (or whatever the bleep it’s called).

  35. Torture And Execute All Conservatives said,

    April 30, 2008 at 11:13

    Just trying to find out what it actually does take to get your name moderated around here.

    Although I quite like this nick and may keep it if it’s allowed…

  36. spencer said,

    April 30, 2008 at 14:34

    You have said you will speak to any group that invites you. I am Director of the Chicago branch of the North American Man Boy Love Association. I am formally inviting you to come and speak to our group. I have sent contact information to you at your law firm. We are eager to hear you speak to our group.

    I was wondering when that was going to happen.

  37. OneMadClown said,

    April 30, 2008 at 14:37

    D. Aristophanes & Mikey are Seussalympian gods…gods I say!

    And I fully add my voice to the ban haam chorus. I understand and generally agree with the non-moderation policy of the site, but I can’t honestly see a reason to continue indulging this moron.

    I’m sure he gets a right good giggle shaking all the way down through his shriveled testes everytime he sees his name in the thread, self-affirming his status as oh-so-witty-and-edgy-and-un-PC. If he’s a parody, he’s not funny, and as such is a failure and needs not be tolerated. If he actually wanted to discuss or debate anything with anyone here, he wouldn’t be hiding behind such an infantile and inflammatory screen name.

  38. Doodle Bean said,

    April 30, 2008 at 15:08

    Bravo, D.!!

    BRAVO!!!!

  39. alec said,

    April 30, 2008 at 16:49

    Is banning HAAM really worth debasing the high principles that left him here past the second post? Freedom of expression is one of those canonical liberal things, and interfering with it is a particularly terrible price usually only paid in particularly terrible circumstances. I could understand it if HAAM’s behavior was appreciably more likely to get someone to firebomb a discotheque (like the cro-magnons who are given the implicit stamp of approval by moderation-heavy systems on the Right like Malkin’s and LGF), but he’s in the wrong medium to do any real damage and the potential for symbolic damage he presents is minor enough (he’s a petty, unfunny asshole who doesn’t really do much of interest on a blog which is unanimously hostile to him) that official action on him is probably a cure more painful than the disease.

    It’s the community’s job to take care of the fucker, not S,N!’s. How can we deal with this in a way that doesn’t compromise the idea of free speech in action here?

  40. alec said,

    April 30, 2008 at 16:54

    And speaking as someone who’s been mistaken for a neocon concern troll by one of the authors before, I don’t like the precedent a subjective judgement on whether or not someone is funny or honest enough to merit expressing themselves sets. That’s kind of the point of freedom of expression – it’s one of those things where everything about the category is slippery and arbitrary enough that lines drawn through it are like Pringles in that you can’t have just one, and also in that they make you fat and ugly and usually have some honky with a crazy moustache representing them.

  41. OneMan said,

    April 30, 2008 at 17:07

    I do not like you, Mr. HAAM
    I do not like you haam-I-am.
    I do not think your posts are good
    I think your brain is made of wood.

    I do not like you in a chair
    Sitting in mom’s basement there.
    I do not like your trackback spam
    I do not like you, haam-I-am.

    When you vent with your full throat
    I wish to sink you in a boat.
    You’re not amusing, you’re not a ham
    You really bore me, haam-I-am.

    If they ban you, shut you up
    I would not cry, not in a cup.
    Not in a car or on a tram
    I would not miss you, haam-I-am.

  42. kiki said,

    April 30, 2008 at 18:31

    Fuck HAAM. He’s like someone who turns up at a party wearing a T-shirt that reads “Everyone at this party is a fucking cunt”, introduces himself by saying “Hi, I’m HAAM, and I think everyone at this party is a fucking cunt”, and spends the entire party constantly repeating the line “Everyone at this party is a fucking cunt” over and over to anyone who’ll listen.

    Free speech doesn’t give you the right to walk into someone’s house and call their mother a whore. HAAM can take his free speech rights to the street corner like every other babbling loon, but there’s nothing unconstitutional about kicking his cretinous ass out of a venue where he’s made it clear he has no desire to be welcomed.

    And as this is the second time I’ve typed this, fuck WordPress too.

  43. Mo's Bike Shop said,

    April 30, 2008 at 19:29

    In a land far off out in the east
    The land of the Dee Vorse aids
    They produce the tools of the beast
    That tempt the Western Maids

    mikey, I picture your vibrator repair shop with a series of Burma Shave-type signs leading in for twenty miles in all directions.

  44. Strangefate said,

    April 30, 2008 at 20:59

    Holy shit, Sadly No! has been on fire these last few days. This is great. (So are the above posts by HTML).

  45. Indy said,

    April 30, 2008 at 21:00

    “Beware the Jewporn, my son!
    The jaws that bite, the twats that catch!
    Beware the jubjub bird, and shun
    the fruminous bandersnatch!”

    Zirkle took his vorpal wang in hand:
    Longtime the manxome foe he sought–
    So rested he by the Nazi tree
    In lecherously slathern’ thought.

    And plying Uffish thought to his wood,
    The Jewporn, with its eye aflame,
    Came wiffling through the tulgey ‘nets,
    And skeeted as it came.

  46. Lesley said,

    May 1, 2008 at 0:29

    Is banning HAAM really worth debasing the high principles that left him here past the second post? Freedom of expression is one of those canonical liberal things, and interfering with it is a particularly terrible price usually only paid in particularly terrible circumstances.

    Oh give me a fucking break on the “free speech” rant to support Hitlerian asswipes. Racists, homophobes and other lowlife scum are always using the free speech argument to defend their right to behave like the cretins they are without consequence. It simply doesn’t fly in real life. The only reason you get away with it on the Intertubes is because banning is discretionary and liberals are so easily persuaded to permit the asswipes among us to get away with virtual murder.

    Mr. Homophobe Troll wouldn’t have a hope in hell of spewing his claptrap bullshit in public.

    As for the community finding its own way of dealing with the moron, well that would be in banning him since there’s no way at this time to reach through the screen and wring his scrawny fucking neck.

  47. alec said,

    May 1, 2008 at 4:08

    Oh give me a fucking break on the “free speech” rant to support Hitlerian asswipes.

    Who’s supporting the fucker? I’m just saying that it’s like torturing Scalia: viscerally satisfying, sure; and in a sense, he probably has it coming, but it’s not worth what we have to do to ourselves to accomplish it.

    Free speech doesn’t give you the right to walk into someone’s house and call their mother a whore.

    Fighting words doctrine. No, free speech doesn’t cover walking into someone’s house and calling their mother a whore; they’re immune to prosecution if they decide to kick the cad’s ass – but that doesn’t give the state a mandate to further punish the offender, or to take up the job if the offended should fail to. Which just further supports the idea that we have to take care of this guy ourselves. The best thing I can think of is to ignore him. That’s kind why they call them trolls, yes?

  48. alec said,

    May 1, 2008 at 4:10

    Also worthwhile: figuring out his ISP and sending them a love letter.

  49. Lesley said,

    May 1, 2008 at 8:40

    but it’s not worth what we have to do to ourselves to accomplish it.

    you’re kidding me, right? We’re talking about excommunication from a blog until and unless he’s willing to stop spewing his homophobic hatred. I think I could live with myself.

    Geez, Louise!

  50. tigrismus said,

    May 1, 2008 at 15:54

    Banning a commenter from a blog is no more restricting their right to free speech than kicking someone out of your own home is restricting their right of free association. That said, I respect the proprietors’ wishes to be as open as possible… perhaps a clearly stated, universally applied policy of what merits banning might be appropriate? It could be very minimal, as would befit those wishes; my personal preferences would be name-banning attack names (no “smells like shit”, for example), and IP-banning those who make threats of physical violence. Easily skirted, but symbolically important.

  51. Sir Craig said,

    May 5, 2008 at 17:30

    My thoughts regarding banning the troll, HAAM: Yes, he’s a vile little shit who thinks he’s being clever when it is apparent to anyone with half a neuron that he is anything but. That being said, I think he serves a useful purpose and should remain unblocked: It is easy to say that there are lots of cretins out there that we should be railing against, but the visual proof helps build a more convincing case. We can silently point to this subhuman parasite and have much of our argument made for us.

    I would like to add my two cents regarding the walking pile of bigoted excrement known as Zirkle: As a member of the military, I am thoroughly offended by his use of his picture of himself in his naval cadet uniform; the little puke never made it through Annapolis (as stated in his bio, he was “discharged” – a fancy term for booted – after 2 years, probably because he was spewing his ignorant crap even then), but decides to use the oh-so-patriotic image of a man in uniform to further his cause. Personally, if I ever ran into the asshole I would demand he take that pic down and stop giving the military any more black eyes than it has already received from the likes of Petraus, Lindie England, et al…

  52. Porno-Schulden » Archivio Blog » Re: SORRY!! - Hintenrum zum Porno-Passwort said,

    May 7, 2008 at 0:06

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