Apr
14

The Ole Perfesser moves beyond my abilities to satirize him




Posted at 22:45 by Brad

This is the sort of thing that I’ve always dreamed the Ole Perfesser would write. But now that he’s actually written it, I’m at a loss for words. It has become completely impossible to parody this dweeb more than he already parodies himself:

IN THE MAIL: David Levy’s Love and Sex with Robots: The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships, No doubt this will set off a storm among the narrow-minded robophobes out there. Stand up to the haters!

Glenn, we’re not “haters” – we’re “laughers.” As in, we think your obsession with downloading your brain into a robot body just so you can boink hot cyborg babes is utterly ridiculous. And thus, we’re laughing at you.

UPDATE: Oh lordy, it’s even worse than I’d imagined:

“Love with robots will be as normal as love with other humans,” Levy writes, “while the number of sexual acts and lovemaking positions commonly practiced between humans will be extended, as robots teach us more than is in all of the world’s published sex manuals combined.”

Levy goes on to imagine a world of robot prostitutes, or “sexbots,” which would offer people a chance to practice their technique before entering a human relationship. “With a robot prostitute,” he writes, “the control of disease is implicit — simply remove the active parts and put them in the disinfecting machine.”

That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard. No wonder Glenn’s so eager to get it on with these cyberbabes.

151 Comments »

  1. His Grace said,

    April 14, 2008 at 22:51

    And this guy’s wife goes around lecturing people about a supposed masculinity crisis in America…

  2. Patkin said,

    April 14, 2008 at 22:52

    “I don’t want anyone thinking we’re Robosexuals, so if anyone asks, you’re my debugger.”

  3. pedestrian said,

    April 14, 2008 at 22:52

    Oh come on, everyone knows that robots are total slut kittens. Raise your hand if you have not fantasized about having sex with a robot.

    [scans sea of hands]

    Yeah, well you can all GO TO HELL!!!

  4. FGFM said,

    April 14, 2008 at 22:55

    The late Frank Zappa tried to warn us about this sort of thing.

    Wikipedia

    Joe turns to religion for help, and “pays a lot of money to L. Ron Hoover at the First Church of Appliantology.” Hoover identifies Joe as a “latent appliance fetishist”. When Joe asks if he should “come out of the closet” he is instead instructed to “go into the closet” to achieve “sexual gratification through the use of machines”. In the next song, we learn “The Closet” is the name of a club where humans can copulate with appliances. Joe locates a machine he likes, named Sy Borg, and they return to Sy’s apartment. There Joe and Sy have a “groovy orgy” with Sy’s roommate, a “modified Gay-Bob doll.”

    Joe ends up destroying Sy, (whom the Central Scrutinizer calls a “XQJ-37 Nuclear-Powered Pansexual Roto-Plooker”) with a golden shower. Joe is thrown in prison after being unable to pay for the damage (having given up all his money to the Church of Appliantology). In jail, Joe is repeatedly gang raped (“plooked”) by former musicians and record executives when they’re not snorting lines of detergent pretending it’s cocaine. This gang is led by a shockingly endowed former promotional agent of a major record company, known as “Bald-Headed John: King of the Plookers” (whose character is based on Zappa’s chief of security, John Smothers).

  5. D.N. Nation said,

    April 14, 2008 at 22:56

    InstaDoofus linking to Bloody Bill Kristol today on TehBitterGate!!!!!1 damn near collapsed the universe. If I were to think of two individuals who care about Middle America the least, a neocon prince like Kristol and a pathetic warmongering nerd like Reynolds would be waaay up there.

    His Grace- Exactly. Loved those pics of himself Teh Ole Perdorkus recently put up on InstaDoofus. Looked like Capote could dunk on him. This was a few days after he talked about sampling non-alcoholic beer.

    But yes, Dr. Mrs. Putz, we’re losing our masculinity because we don’t go around packing heat. Rrrrrrright.

  6. Smut Clyde said,

    April 14, 2008 at 22:58

    “With a robot prostitute,” he writes, “the control of disease is implicit — simply remove the active parts and put them in the disinfecting machine.”
    Evidently Levy was disappointed and traumatised when he encountered the outmoded legal barriers that stopped him doing that with human prostitutes.

  7. Dagoril said,

    April 14, 2008 at 22:59

    We all know where this will lead…

    http://www.shillpages.com/dw/story/d8/st–9b34.jpg

  8. Rightwingsnarkle said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:02

    What should we use for lube?

  9. D.N. Nation said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:03

    Oh, and from now on, he’s Glenn “I want to have sex with robot women” Reynolds to me. End of story. That’s his name from now on.

  10. pedestrian said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:04

    I believe it was Scott Adams* who said that sex and money are the two sources of motivation in the human male; therefore, when virtual reality becomes cheaper than dating, society is doomed.

    I was kind hoping for the gay bomb, but whatever gets the job done.

    .
    .
    .

    *Quoting Scott Adams does not make me a nerd.

  11. Rightwingsnarkle said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:04

    OT – I’m Number One!!11!

    Not that I’m proud of it…

  12. FGFM said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:04

    What should we use for lube?

    WD-40?

  13. Patkin said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:07

    Also, as I noted.

    “while the number of sexual acts and lovemaking positions commonly practiced between humans will be extended, as robots teach us more than is in all of the world’s published sex manuals combined.”

    These robots will be programmed by the same sexually-frustrated technofetishist computer dweebs that are hoping the robots will ‘teach’ them. So where would these new sexual positions come from?

    The Cylon God?

    At least I acknowledge my belief in computer gremlins and placating their spirits is because I’m bad at understanding technology. These are the sorts of assholes who think they’re on the cutting-edge of technological understanding.

  14. Righteous Bubba said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:07

    when virtual reality becomes cheaper than dating, society is doomed.

    That’s terrible.

  15. Bitter Scribe, an accomplished, well-rounded writer, said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:08

    “Not tonight, dear. I have a short circuit.”

  16. Grand Moff Texan said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:11

    Republicans and robots? This will do nothing to cut down on date rape.
    .

  17. stryx said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:13

    The thing is, robots are so 20th Century. Get with it, Glennbot Korps.

    In the future, Takeshi Kovacs will kick your ass.

    That is, if your chi isn’t stolen and installed in an orangutan.

  18. Vivek said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:14

    Oh god. Now I need to watch “I Dated A Robot” all over again.

    Damn you, Futurama, for being so prescient!

  19. Rugged in Montana said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:15

    Oh great. As if I didn’t have enough to be concerned about here in the heartland, now I’ve got to worry about Islamosexual robots hunting me down for my essence?

    On the other hand, I have developed a curiously pleasurable sensation when I sit on the washing machine in my basement fortress, cleaning my fully erect M1 Battle Rifle™…when that machine is in spin cycle, my special region feels all funny and such.

    The USA of America is #1!!!!

  20. Hysterical Woman said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:16

    So when will we find out that Mrs. Ole Perfesser is a robot?

  21. stryx said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:16

    And for real Glenn- how do you explain to your real live wifey that you’d really rather be doing it with a machhine?

    I guess this explains why Dr. Mrs. Ole Prefesser spends time alone down in their basement.

  22. Patkin said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:17

    I’m pretty sure Glenn’s the one acting as marital aide in that situation, HM.

  23. steve said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:19

    Sexbots are only a small step from Warbots. I’m sure he’s salivating over the two: woman-free sex and soldier-free wars (no pesky vets to deal with). Yes, the future is a veritable bacchanal for war and sex for ol’ Glen.

  24. Bob Calvert said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:21

    I just took a ride
    on a silver machine
    and I’m still feeling mean
    I got a silver machine
    Do you want to ride
    see yourself going by
    other side of the sky
    Well I got a silver machine
    It flies sideways through time
    It’s an electric line
    To your Zodiac sign
    It flies out of a dream
    It’s anti-septically clean
    You’re gonna know where I’ve been
    on my silver machine

  25. pedestrian said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:22

    Sexbots are only a small step from Warbots.

    I’ll bet Warbots come first.

  26. Kathleen said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:28

    at least this will definitively resolve who has to sleep on the wet spot.

  27. Righteous Bubba said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:28

    I’ll bet Warbots come first.

    They can be adjusted.

  28. Vin Scully said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:31

    Say what you will – that book has a funny, funny cover.

  29. Duros Hussein 62 said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:38

    What should we use for lube?
    Marvel Mystery Oil, of course.

  30. His Grace said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:38

    Look I don’t know if I can speak for everyone here, but I for one would be more than a little creeped out if I found out my significant other practised with a machine before me.

  31. Kathleen said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:39

    From Amazon:
    “Buy this book with Beyond Human: Living with Robots and Cyborgs by Gregory Benford today! Buy Together Today: $32.94″

    “Some readers may be turned off by Levy’s fairly graphic descriptions of the mechanics of having sex with robots”

  32. Bob Calvert said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:41

    No doubt this will set off a storm among the narrow-minded robophobes out there. Stand up to the haters!
    Be fair. Do not rule out the possibility that Reynolds is joking.
    Levy could be serious, or maybe he just knows the needs of his readership.

  33. Galactic Dustbin said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:42

    So lemmie get this straight; making it with another human of the same sex= bad and evil and cursedbygod. Making it with a Commodore 64 with a disposable vigina= TEH SEXXXAY!!1!

  34. Galactic Dustbin said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:42

    Sexbots are only a small step from Warbots.

    I’ll bet Warbots come first.

    And then they roll over and fall alseep.

  35. Gary Ruppert said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:44

    “With a robot prostitute,” he writes, “the control of disease is implicit — simply remove the active parts and put them in the disinfecting machine.”

    The fact is, that is HOT!

  36. Duros Hussein 62 said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:44

    Republicans and robots? This will do nothing to cut down on date rape.

    Or underage butt seks.

  37. Jay C. said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:47

    “Some readers may be turned off by Levy’s fairly graphic descriptions of the mechanics of having sex with robots”

    Leave R2D2 alone, you monster!

  38. Duros Hussein 62 said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:47

    Levy could be serious, or maybe he just knows the needs of his readership.
    I saw him on Colbert pimping this book. He certainly looks serious about it.

  39. David Levy's Roomba said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:49

    I only ask that someone tell my side of the story.

  40. PeeJ said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:50

    “Plooking”?

    I’ve sung it as “You’re plooving me too hard! ..” Same song with the line “don’t get no jism on the sofa…sofaaah.” I think.

    [okay, gimme a minit while I find my Joe's Garage CDs and get the actual lyrics]

  41. Duros Hussein 62 said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:51

    So lemmie get this straight; making it with another human of the same sex= bad and evil and cursedbygod. Making it with a Commodore 64 with a disposable vigina= TEH SEXXXAY!!1!

    GD, you make an interesting point. If God says sex is only good for procreation and teh gay is evul because you can’t be amking no babies, does that make robosex as evul or moar evul than the gay?
    Ok, enough with the locatsspeak. I’ll stop now.

  42. Duros Hussein 62 said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:52

    Why can’t I stop thinking of the robot fucking the washing machine from Robot Chicken?

  43. Righteous Bubba said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:54

    Don’t be a naughty baby
    Come to papa, come to papa do
    My sweet replaceable you

  44. Dan Someone said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:57

    It’s going to be really hard to get the furry animal costumes on the robots without ripping or tearing.

    What?

  45. tigrismus said,

    April 14, 2008 at 23:59

    What should we use for lube?

    Depends on the season, but be sure to change it every 6 months or 3000 fucks, whichever comes first.

    And then they roll over and fall alseep.

    WIN.

    So lemmie get this straight; making it with another human of the same sex= bad and evil and cursedbygod. Making it with a Commodore 64 with a disposable vigina= TEH SEXXXAY!!1!

    GD, you make an interesting point. If God says sex is only good for procreation and teh gay is evul because you can’t be amking no babies, does that make robosex as evul or moar evul than the gay?

    Wow, Republican hypocrisy? Unpossible!

    So, are “friends” electric?

  46. Glann Reynolds said,

    April 15, 2008 at 0:01

    This one’s defective. Its “vagina” is way too large.

  47. Brandi said,

    April 15, 2008 at 0:18

    Cosmetic baby plugged into me
    And never ever find another
    And I realize no one’s wise
    To my plastic fantastic lover

  48. Duros Hussein 62 said,

    April 15, 2008 at 0:29

    I’m just gonna go with Robot sex sounds kinda gay and leave it at that,

  49. fillerbunny said,

    April 15, 2008 at 0:38

    Bubblegum Crisis, eps. 5 & 6

  50. fillerbunny said,

    April 15, 2008 at 0:38

    based, of course, on Bladerunner…

  51. gbear said,

    April 15, 2008 at 0:40

    And for real Glenn- how do you explain to your real live wifey that you’d really rather be doing it with a machhine?

    Could be that Glenn’s wife is whispering these ideas into his ear as he sleeps at night?

    “With a robot prostitute,” he writes, “the control of disease is implicit — simply remove the active parts and put them in the disinfecting machine.”

    So what do you suppose might happen if the robot decides you’re not measuring up to expectations?

  52. Snorghagen said,

    April 15, 2008 at 0:44

    “With a robot prostitute,” he writes, “the control of disease is implicit — simply remove the active parts and put them in the disinfecting machine.”
    ———————-
    The fact is, that is HOT!

    The faux Gary is absolutely right. Dipping genitalia in 10% bleach is an intense turn-on.

  53. Cybermonkey said,

    April 15, 2008 at 0:54

    There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who know robots and those who don’t.

  54. Smut Clyde said,

    April 15, 2008 at 1:03

    I am thinking that David Levy might owe a few dollars of copyright payments to the scriptwriter for Cherry 2000.

    Things I Learned From This Movie:

    Women are irresistible when they are wearing a tight red dress and rubber gloves.
    Rubber, diodes, and resistors equal romance.
    Sex should not involve standard legal forms.
    People from Anaheim get no respect.
    In the future the technology for red-eye reduction will be lost.
    Hoover Dam has the best water slide.
    Toaster ovens are the perfect thing for cooking rattlesnakes.
    You have not had a bad day until you are flash-burned and then attacked by a swarm of angry bees.
    Having Melanie Griffiths’ head in your lap is not conducive to good driving.

  55. Jay B. said,

    April 15, 2008 at 1:10

    FUCKING WORD PRESS! How ’bout them apples, Interboobs?!

    See, this is what happens when you start making fun of robot whores, their computer allies obliterate your words!

    This though, is teh awesome:

    “Love with robots will be as normal as love with other humans,” Levy writes

    Much like love with your gay black trannie neighbor, robo-humano love involves your organic hoo-hah stuck into warm parts of your ‘partners’ metallic body.

  56. Galactic Dustbin said,

    April 15, 2008 at 1:13

    And another thing- one sure way to get Glenn and Co. off the Robocop-A-Feel bandwagon; show them the gleaming BradPittanator with the large attachments that their wives and daughters will be ordering.

    There will be screams in Wingnutta for anti-sexbot legislation so fast it will make your head spin.

  57. Quicksand said,

    April 15, 2008 at 1:16

    Futurama, check. Zappa, check.

    Clearly I’m not needed here.

  58. Notochord said,

    April 15, 2008 at 1:23

    Take that you winner of the Glenn Reynolds Contest.

    It’s my picture that gets a rerun.

    HA HA

  59. tigrismus said,

    April 15, 2008 at 1:26

    If gleaming BradPittanators are outlawed, only outlaws will have gleaming BradPittanators. With large attachments.

  60. Woodrowfan said,

    April 15, 2008 at 1:27

    Humm, maybe Hindrocket really IS a hindrocket? maybe that’s the Ol’ Perfessor’s inspiration…

  61. OneMan said,

    April 15, 2008 at 1:32

    Donald Fagan said it best:

    Just machines to make big decisions
    Programmed by fellas with compassion and vision
    We’ll be clean when their work is done
    We’ll be eternally free, yes and eternally young

    Oooh…

    Me am programmer. I would never put LittleMan anywhere near anything I or anybody I know coded.

  62. MrWonderful said,

    April 15, 2008 at 1:38

    (I just had an entire rant about “positions” obliterated by Word Press. The bastards.)

    Anyhoo: I like how to Levy, and to the Perfesser, one “benefit” of this idiotic scenario will be an increase in the number of available “positions.” As though either of those lads has used up all the extant ones. Uh-huh.

    This, as I said, is the ultimate nerdian fantasy: define sex as a matter of gear, equipment, “practice,” and technology. Anything to eliminate real women. Which is to say, anything to eliminate Mom.

    At least Gibson’s sim-stim was a recording of real people doing it.

    (Apologies if this gets posted twice.)

  63. Blue Buddha said,

    April 15, 2008 at 1:42

    Transhumanists are funny. They deserve as much ridicule as hipsters who base their entire existence on “irony”.

  64. OneMan said,

    April 15, 2008 at 1:45

    Well, even with a robot, you’d have to ask: is she really going out with him?

  65. Smut Clyde said,

    April 15, 2008 at 1:46

    OneMan said,
    Me am programmer. I would never put LittleMan anywhere near anything I or anybody I know coded.

    True. But re-programming a warbot into a sexdroid should be safer. You only have to change a few properties of the higher-order classes — what could go wrong?
    Excuse me while I take the guns from my sexdroid’s cold, dead hands.

  66. J— said,

    April 15, 2008 at 1:46

    I love Cherry 2000. Good fun. And now I’m imagining Ye Ole Professor hiring a tracker to take him out to Zone 7. A libertarian’s dream excursion!

  67. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    April 15, 2008 at 1:49

    Me am programmer. I would never put LittleMan anywhere near anything I or anybody I know coded.

    It’s feature, not a bug!

  68. Jennifer said,

    April 15, 2008 at 1:57

    Two thoughts: first, has anyone alerted Glenn to the buttbots? His wait might already be over.

    Also, what about when the robots attack?

  69. mikey said,

    April 15, 2008 at 2:18

    Speaking of which, sorta, any of y’all notice that the infamous “Buttman” is being prosecuted for selling adult videos to, well, adults?

    I mean, sheesh, it’s not like there’s anything more important the justice department could be doing, right?

    mikey

  70. Andrew A. Gill, SLS said,

    April 15, 2008 at 2:22

    Could my robot body be a, um, beautiful woman?

    If so, I’m gonna be an Adrienne Barbeau-bot.

  71. Smiling Mortician said,

    April 15, 2008 at 2:30

    Take that you winner of the Glenn Reynolds Contest.

    Well, yeah, but just wait until the next time Glenn writes a column about Ann Althouse and an Etch-a-Sketch in a Lost-in-Space context. I’ll show all of you.

    Also: This

    Adrienne Barbeau-bot

    is totally fun to say out loud.

  72. Patkin said,

    April 15, 2008 at 2:34

    Sealab 2021 is good for some stuff, at least.

  73. Lardass said,

    April 15, 2008 at 2:35

    I mean, sheesh, it’s not like there’s anything more important the justice department could be doing, right?

    Well, you know what John Ashcroft was working on when Cheney attacked us on 9/11? A big sting of prostitutes in New Orleans! Talk about terrorists…(well, them and goddamned WordPress).

  74. Patkin said,

    April 15, 2008 at 2:39

    A big sting of prostitutes in New Orleans!

    Yeah, I’m sure he told them that’s what he was working on when they found him in an Orleans whorehouse with coke on his nostrils and handcuffed to the bed.

  75. Ugly In Pink said,

    April 15, 2008 at 2:45

    coin operated boy
    sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
    but i turn him on and he comes to life
    automatic joy
    that is why i want a coin operated boy

    made of plastic and elastic
    he is rugged and long-lasting
    who could ever ever ask for more
    love without complications galore
    many shapes and weights to choose from
    i will never leave my bedroom
    i will never cry at night again
    wrap my arms around him and pretend….

    coin operated boy
    all the other real ones that i destroy
    cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i’ll
    never let him go and i’ll never be alone
    not with my coin operated boy……

  76. mikey said,

    April 15, 2008 at 2:47

    when they found him in an Orleans whorehouse with coke on his nostrils and handcuffed to the bed.

    God DAMN it.

    I shoulda gone to school and become a lawyer.

    Fuckers…

    mikey

  77. PeeJ said,

    April 15, 2008 at 2:53

    Ewgh. Who had to mention warbots? And converting them? I just had the most horrible vision of Yul Brynner….

  78. Smut Clyde said,

    April 15, 2008 at 2:54

    Some unsolicited advice for David Levy: if the arguments in your book (about controlling disease, new positions, and “practic[ing] technique before entering a human relationship”) sound like excerpts from the court record from the case of Wisconsin v. Ed Gein, you might have written the wrong book.

    Which is roughly what MrWonderful said at 1:38.
    Anything to eliminate real women. Which is to say, anything to eliminate Mom.

  79. Gary Ruppert said,

    April 15, 2008 at 2:58

    The fact is, liberals would only have sex with a robot if it was a gay faggot robot.

  80. Patkin said,

    April 15, 2008 at 3:02

    Gary:

    Hey, we aren’t the ones sticking vibrators up our asses because we’re too in the closet to get an actual person to stimulate our prostates.

    Your fave rave Republican representatives sure are though.

  81. mikey said,

    April 15, 2008 at 3:04

    Umm, isn’t “gay faggot” a double negative?

    mikey

  82. PeeJ said,

    April 15, 2008 at 3:13

    Garbly Puppet: Of course only if it’s a gay faggot robot. We real men don’t get into “str8 acting” (hah! there’s a good one!), closeted ostensibly hetero robots, as do you silly-assed closet queens. No, it’s real gay faggots, whether robotic or otherwise, for us or it’s nothing.

    Quit your god damn begging, slut.

  83. Rugged in Montana said,

    April 15, 2008 at 3:13

    Umm, isn’t “gay faggot” a double negative?

    Not in the USA of America, it’s not!

  84. Righteous Bubba said,

    April 15, 2008 at 3:19

    The gay faggots ruin it for all the other faggots.

  85. Smut Clyde said,

    April 15, 2008 at 3:22

    That’s why we can’t have nice thongs.

  86. Patkin said,

    April 15, 2008 at 3:24

    No thong is a good thong.

  87. mikey said,

    April 15, 2008 at 3:28

    That’s why we can’t have nice thongs.

    Speak for yourself, dammit.

    I’ve got some really cool tho…

    Umm, well, uh…

    Never mind.

    Move along. Nothing to see here….

    mikey

  88. tigrismus said,

    April 15, 2008 at 3:32

    The fact is, some Liberals would be willing to have sex with a non-gay robot if it gave them an abortion during. Gay abortion bots would be preferable, though.

  89. Hesh said,

    April 15, 2008 at 3:34

    Yeah, well have fun on the robot reservation, suckers. We’re not gonna honor those bogus treaties. Hesh, will see you, in hel …

  90. Rightwingsnarkle said,

    April 15, 2008 at 3:41

    “It’s my picture that gets a rerun.”

    And justifiably so.

    But now I’m confused. Does art imitate life, or does life imitate art?

    PS – Fucking WordPress thingamajig. I’ve taken to copying my comment before posting. What a hassle…

  91. mikey said,

    April 15, 2008 at 3:45

    I went to Sadly, No! and told them I wanted to file a complaint about the fucking WordPress/Cookie comments bullshit.

    They told me no problem, the complaint department was managed by Helen Waite.

    And if I had a complaint, I should go to Helen Waite….

    mikey

  92. mikey said,

    April 15, 2008 at 3:47

    Hey Bradrocket!

    (If you’re around tonight, that is)

    You’re mancrush Big Poppy seems to be having a little trouble hitting big league pitching these days.

    Unlike, say, Manny, who is the coolest, bestest baseball player in the world, and is without a doubt my personal baseball mancrush….

    mikey

  93. Dan Someone said,

    April 15, 2008 at 3:50

    All this talk of homorobosex has put me in mind of this. Actually it has nothing to do with robots, but it’s damn funny.

  94. Humbot Humbot said,

    April 15, 2008 at 3:50

    Lo-lee-toid: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth.

  95. H&R Blockhead said,

    April 15, 2008 at 3:53

    Why do you leftists hate freedom and liberty?

    Join or Die! You might be oppresed next.

    The First Annual Megan McArdle jefferson Memorial Dance-a-Thon!

    http://meganmcardle.theatlantic.com/archives/2008/04/citizen_action.php#comments

  96. mikey said,

    April 15, 2008 at 4:01

    You might be oppressed next.

    I’m pretty sure there’s a profound truth in this phrase.

    And I’m pretty sure this is worth caring about.

    The question is, with the press unwilling to challenge the criminals, and the congress trying desperately to make certain the criminals never face charges, at what point are we, the citizens who own this democracy, willing to place the criminals in irons and retake our freedom?

    Oh. Sorry. American Idol is on.

    I’ll come back later…

    mikey

  97. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    April 15, 2008 at 4:02

    mikey said,

    April 15, 2008 at 3:47

    Hey Bradrocket!

    You mean Mr. Bradley Roquette the Third, elitist?

  98. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    April 15, 2008 at 4:03

    Damnit, I got past the WordPress denial, and then got dumped right into the spamblocker. Curse you, S,N!

  99. Hysterical Woman said,

    April 15, 2008 at 4:24

    If the The Rule of First Adopters is right, we may one day see sex robots before we have robots that can do more important things, like surgery or bartending.

  100. Malignant Bouffant said,

    April 15, 2008 at 4:35

    The photo just makes me want to say:

    ROTWANG!!

  101. Some Guy said,

    April 15, 2008 at 4:47

    Mock all you want, Brad, but I already have a savings fund building up so I can buy me one of these.
    http://www.toysnjoys.com/puzzles/1000chobits03.jpg

    But, seriously? This little fetish of his has officially crossed into Necrophilia level of creepiness. Sexbot prostitutes we can hire to practice techniques on? It’s called “communication with your partner” fucktard.

    Incidentally, is Ole Prof against gay marriage at all, and if so, is his rational in any way a variation of “marriage is for babies!” bullcrap? How does that stand at odds with his fetish for hot cyborg luvin’?

  102. Anne Laurie said,

    April 15, 2008 at 4:50

    “With a robot prostitute,” he writes, “the control of disease is implicit — simply remove the active parts and put them in the disinfecting machine.”
    Evidently Levy was disappointed and traumatised when he encountered the outmoded legal barriers that stopped him doing that with *human* prostitutes…

    Smut Clyde gets ALL Teh Win on this post!

    Srsly. If your partner can pass the Turing test, it’s going to insist on all the boring “social interaction” stuff anyway; and if it can’t, it’s just a very expensive aid to masturbation. Of course we’re told that what “real men” want from a prostitute is just that — assisted masturbation — but if that’s the Ultimate Prize then why haven’t we seen more human societies where the availability of highly-trained prostitutes have made it unnecessary to form boring old-fashioned meat-based relationships?

    (Please note that I am deliberately not specifying a gender for those prostitutes, since the Real Men historical records are cluttered with hard-to-quantify examples like the warnerd-approved Classical Greeks, who managed to normalize both ephebephilia and hetaerae, thus suggesting that even Real Men in their Golden Age were confused about the relative desirability of social and sexual intercourse…)

  103. Andrew A. Gill, SLS said,

    April 15, 2008 at 4:54

    How does that stand at odds with his fetish for hot cyborg luvin’?

    Well, cyborgs are at least part human, so…

  104. Hattie said,

    April 15, 2008 at 4:56

    You are causing me to split a gut.

  105. Smut Clyde said,

    April 15, 2008 at 5:08

    it’s just a very expensive aid to masturbation
    You make that sound like a bad thing.

  106. J-Bob said,

    April 15, 2008 at 5:15

    Domo arigato, Mister Roboto. The cash is on the nightstand.

  107. PeeJ said,

    April 15, 2008 at 5:18

    (Please note that I am deliberately not specifying a gender for those prostitutes,

    I am impressed with your casual use of terms like ‘ephebephilia’ and
    ‘hetaerea.’ Really, I am, being an old lexicophiliac.

    But god damn it, lets stop conflating the the terms ‘sex’ and ‘gender’, shall we?

    Not togo all constructionist or anything but, sheesh! I get so pissed off that so many forms I fill out ask for my gender, but not my sex. My sex is what it is; my gender is none of your fucking business.

    Now git offa my lawn!

  108. PeeJ said,

    April 15, 2008 at 5:25

    Missing: Pet Peeve

    Last seen wandering around the intertoobz. Answers to “pedantic jerkwad.” If you think you may have seen the Pet Peeve in question, say “dampening field” or pronounce “dissect” as ‘die-sect.’ If subject cringes, please call 555-dang.

  109. Soullite said,

    April 15, 2008 at 5:30

    I might fuck a robot. There’s nothing wrong with that, women fuck little robotic penis’s all the time.

    I’m damn well not going to fall in love with a bucket of bolts, though. Thats just fucking wierd.

  110. jim said,

    April 15, 2008 at 5:44

    NOW we’re talkin’ REAL elitism!
    These glorified dildos will cost about as much as a new car.

    Cyborg, schmyborg … just get the guy a Fleshlight.
    Or a honkin’ big slab of raw liver … so I’ve heard.

  111. Hitachi M. Wand said,

    April 15, 2008 at 5:50

    What’s new about robosex? Mrs Ole Perfesser’s been at it for years. Not to mention O’Reilly.

  112. Karate Bearfighter said,

    April 15, 2008 at 5:54

    The future is now.

  113. Karate Bearfighter said,

    April 15, 2008 at 5:54

    Sorry, that should be
    The future is now.

  114. Smut Clyde said,

    April 15, 2008 at 5:56

    women fuck little robotic penis’s all the time.
    In some cases they refuse to do so. Not that I’m bitter.

  115. mikey said,

    April 15, 2008 at 6:11

    In some cases they refuse to do so.

    Perhaps you should turn down the klieg lights…

    mikey

  116. filkertom said,

    April 15, 2008 at 6:20

    Already wrote the song about it.

  117. Anne Laurie said,

    April 15, 2008 at 6:37

    Mr./Ms. PeeJ, old bean, I’m afraid you’ve got the Canute end of this particular linguistic stick; in the modren PC format, gender is the question of which public lavatory you habitually choose, and sex is what you choose to do with your gender (hopefully not in those public lavoratories even if you *are* a Republican)…

    And despite SomeGuy’s photolink, the anime CHOBITS is actually a very sweet, rather old-fashioned series of meditations about the possibilities of human/machine personal interaction: Can a ‘normal’ human fall in love with one of a particular series of (theoretically) generic humanoids? Can a disappointed human cite an interactive sexual program as a third party in a divorce case? Can a computer, no matter how elaborate its memory programs, ever “replace” a human for that human’s grieving relatives? If a robot perceives itself to be ‘falling in love’ with a human, is it passing a very advanced sort of Turing test, or is it just hopeless misprogrammed and due to be rebooted? (Not surprisingly, since it was done by old-fashioned shojo-style artists, the overall conclusion of the series is that once ‘persocom’ robots are sophisticated enough to replace meatpeople, they will be as needy, demanding, and fascinatingly individual as us wetware units. But it’s one of the better grown-up anime for non-anime-watchers, in my opinion. Even allowing for the inevitable ‘panties’ episodes. No, really.)

  118. ahem said,

    April 15, 2008 at 6:49

    In other news, Dr Helen is curious about the smell of burning pubic hair whenever she plugs in the toaster.

  119. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    April 15, 2008 at 6:57

    George F. Will wrote:

    Obama may be the fulfillment of modern liberalism. Explaining why many working-class voters are “bitter,” he said they “cling” to guns, religion and “antipathy to people who aren’t like them” because of “frustrations.” His implication was that their primitivism, superstition and bigotry are balm for resentments they feel because of America’s grinding injustice.
    ———————-
    Obama’s implication was that the plutocrat class successfully fans and exploits bigotry and gets these voters to vote against their own interests and for the people you serve, Mr. Will.

    I find the concern you and your fellow pundits express for the feelings of the working class risible.

    Just re-read a few of your recent “Let them eat cake” columns.

    Moving on to this:

    “What had been under FDR a celebration of America and the values of its working people has become a doctrine of condescension toward those people and the supposedly coarse and vulgar country that pleases them.”

    Funny, I don’t see any enthusiasm for FDR or his policies from the right. Rather, I see a consistent effort to erase all of it.

    Let’s talk about religion, Mr. Will. Were Jesus to come to the United States today, do you think he would be impressed with the Republican party?

    FAUX Christian Values:
    1) Capital punishment
    2) Torture
    3) Prisons full? Build more!
    3) Bombing foreigners
    4) And of course, tax cuts for the rich.

    In short, Mr. Will:

    Who
    Would
    Jesus
    Waterboard?
    ~

    On that note, g’night, folks!

  120. Douglas said,

    April 15, 2008 at 7:13

    I was under the impression that getting a freak-on about sex-toys was the role of the wingnuts, not us..

  121. Snorghagen said,

    April 15, 2008 at 7:51

    I was under the impression that getting a freak-on about sex-toys was the role of the wingnuts, not us.

    Be advised that RoboSluts are not toys, and should only be operated with the assistance of licensed professionals.

    And be sure to put your active parts in the disinfecting machine after each use to prevent an infection of your freak-on.

  122. soullite said,

    April 15, 2008 at 7:56

    Lmao, any woman who refuses to use a dildo is just plain strange. I don’t think I’ve ever been with one who didn’t own one, and I don’t think I’d want to. Repressed people aren’t worth the time.

  123. soullite said,

    April 15, 2008 at 7:58

    Cyborg, schmyborg … just get the guy a Fleshlight.
    Or a honkin’ big slab of raw liver … so I’ve heard.

    A fleshlight, sure. (do they actually work? I mean, whats the comparison to the real thing?). A slab of liver… Now we’re getting into corpse fucking territory. Worse, bestiality corpse fucking. Even I have to draw the line somewhere.

  124. ortho-bob said,

    April 15, 2008 at 8:38

    Sometime in the twenty-third century, humanity went extinct—leaving only androids behind. Freya Nakamichi 47 is a femmebot, one of the last of her kind still functioning. With no humans left to pay for the pleasures she provides…

    He’s going to spend the summer locked in the bathroom with Charles Stross’s new novel, Saturn’s Children..

  125. Stepford Wives said,

    April 15, 2008 at 9:35

    We get grumpy when we get no recognition. You wouldn’t like us when we’re grumpy.

  126. Andrew A. Gill, SLS said,

    April 15, 2008 at 9:55

    Now we’re getting into corpse fucking territory. Worse, bestiality corpse fucking. Even I have to draw the line somewhere.

    What do you think plastic is?

    Dead, decayed dinosaurs eaten by bacteria and then shit out as petroleum products, which are then chemically altered in a laboratory into injection-molded love canals.

    So let’s see how many fetishes that is…

    - Necrophilia
    - Bestiality
    - Macrophilia
    - Coprophilia
    - love of decaying things (I don’t know the name for this one)
    - medical fetish

    - And, of course, onanism.

  127. justme said,

    April 15, 2008 at 10:11

    ♫ I’ve got a thong in my heart… ♫

  128. Lesley said,

    April 15, 2008 at 10:18

    Somehow I can’t picture any intelligent life, robotic or otherwise, going for Glenn without some hefty cash up front.

  129. Lesley said,

    April 15, 2008 at 10:22

    Lmao, any woman who refuses to use a dildo is just plain strange. I don’t think I’ve ever been with one who didn’t own one, and I don’t think I’d want to. Repressed people aren’t worth the time.

    You’re not really going to try and swing this one by any women in this thread and expect to be taken seriously, right?

    every woman he’s been with has a dildo and any woman who refuses to use one is strange. *snort*

    this is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long while.

    study the female anatomy, dude. Vaginal orgasms are a myth.

  130. Andrew A. Gill, SLS said,

    April 15, 2008 at 10:38

    Vaginal orgasms are a myth.

    Er… what?

    Freud’s idiotic vaginal/clitoral orgasm ideas have been pretty well debunked, but everything I’ve read suggests that an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm and wherever you get stimulated is the type of orgasm you have.

    See, for example.

  131. Smut Clyde said,

    April 15, 2008 at 10:50

    women fuck little robotic penis’s all the time.
    In some cases they refuse to do so. Not that I’m bitter.

    Just to be clear (and to assuage the Wrath of Lesley), the cause of my bitterness was women responding “Go away, you little robotic dick”.
    This thread needs more jokes explained.

  132. Some Guy said,

    April 15, 2008 at 11:27

    WordPress lies! My beautiful, informative text wall, no!

  133. LD said,

    April 15, 2008 at 12:10

    I have to wonder, has the professor thought about the error and pop-up messages on the cybersluts:

    -Penis not found, abort, retry, fail?
    -New hardware found. Searching drivers for mini-dick.
    -New hardware has been instralled faultily, it may work improperly
    -Access violation in area FFEC06F2
    -Virus detected. Choose action: Erase, Quarantee, Ignore
    -The system performance is suffering, it i suggested you opgrade your hardware.
    -Please wait while performing backup
    -Low power, entering hibernation

  134. LD said,

    April 15, 2008 at 12:10

    And the one I forgot:
    -Harddick not found, reboot from floppy?

  135. anangryoldbroad said,

    April 15, 2008 at 13:07

    Ahem. Some women don’t use,em,appliances, because quite frankly they overstimulate(causing pretty much a numbness that’s anything but pleasurable) and make orgasm impossible. On the other hand,heh,a gentle touch and just the teeniest bit of concern can produce remarkable results. And I say this as a female who knows what she likes,knows what she doesn’t and has no problem saying so. Repression isn’t the same as not liking something and communicating one’s preferences.

  136. The Politzanian Citizenry said,

    April 15, 2008 at 13:19

    “And this guy’s wife goes around lecturing people about a supposed masculinity crisis in America.”

    Those durn Republicans. Always projecting.

    .

  137. windy said,

    April 15, 2008 at 13:24

    A four star, apparently serious review on Amazon: I can only imagine the amount of interesting research David Levy had to do for this book.

  138. kiki said,

    April 15, 2008 at 13:30

    I’m gonna be an Adrienne Barbeau-bot.

    Well, I’m gonna get me an Olivia D’Abo-bot. Hubba hubba.

  139. justme said,

    April 15, 2008 at 15:01

    HEEEEYYYYYY AAAABBBOOO-BOOTTTT!

    Ever so sorry.

  140. DBK said,

    April 15, 2008 at 15:05

    In a nutshell: I like fucking humans.

  141. Woodrowfan said,

    April 15, 2008 at 15:59

    Hello? Is this the Toybot Company? Um, yes, I’d like to order a female toybot. It’s for a friend. Yes, ok. Which model. Well, you know in Star Wars VI, Princess Leia, what? Most popular model? Really. Heh heh. The waiting list is HOW long??

  142. Boris Badenough said,

    April 15, 2008 at 16:45

    So someday you too could have a robotic wife without the current time and expense of becoming the President.

  143. zzzz said,

    April 15, 2008 at 18:06

    uh, this book was “big” in the media over a month ago. the author was even on colbert.

  144. t4toby said,

    April 15, 2008 at 18:19

    Some like vibes, some don’t.
    Some like veggies, some don’t.
    Some like oral, some don’t.
    Some like to pitch and some like to catch…

    But I’ve yet to meet a Cheeto-fetishist.

    Maybe that’s the impetus for this from Glenn.

    And mikey, did you just admit to owning a banana hammock?

  145. kenga said,

    April 15, 2008 at 19:12

    Thanks toby, that was nearly as bad as G. Gordon Liddy
    http://www.sadlyno.com/archives/2646.html

    I feel compelled to point out that both Liddy and Hulk are wearing Speedo-style swimsuits – different critter than a thong.

    Quite comfy under a sport-kilt, I might add.

  146. Duros Hussein 62 said,

    April 15, 2008 at 21:48

    Umm, isn’t “gay faggot” a double negative?

    More like a double plus positive.

  147. jaya said,

    April 18, 2008 at 13:40

    Sad??????
    Just register and be happy…….
    No hidden charges & free registration……..

    http://www.stickiewicket.com/shine/shine13

  148. Sadly, No! » Somewhat longer Glenn Reynolds said,

    July 14, 2008 at 18:58

    [...] am outraged that anyone would want to extend human rights to apes… hot sex-bots on the other hand, now that’s a different story… ‘Shorter’ concept created [...]

  149. bklyn said,

    July 14, 2008 at 19:13

    sounds like masturbation is going to be very expensive in the future.

  150. Glenn Reynold's Malfunctioning Libido said,

    July 14, 2008 at 20:29

    Personally, speaking as a Transhumanist, one of the things that really turns me off is the idea that the poor, with their icky filthy bodies and ill educated minds, have just as easy access to sex as I do; where as when Sexbots are legal, only I with my super Lawyer money will be able to afford the very best bot-bottoms, but the poor will have to make do with my disinfected hand-me-downs… and then, oh oh god YES, I’ll truly feel like the successful and powerful man that I really am! Except you’d never believe it, if you spoke to my living breathing meat-space second place prize of a wife…. but she’ll be a quiet irrelevance too, when I have my Sexbot!

  151. Balloon Juice » Blog Archive » We’ll be eternally free yes and eternally young said,

    January 7, 2011 at 17:39

    [...] But it also shows that Daniels likes saying weird unsubstantiated sci-fi shit. So I ask you: will Daniels be hurt politically if he starts talking about robot sex a la Instapundit? [...]

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