30
We Ain’t the Same Color When the Police Show Up…*
You know, I’m hearing a lot of talk these days about a national dialogue on race. Let me tell you people something: one guy giving a Kiwanis Club speech is not a dialogue. A YouTube Video is not a dialogue. Gassing about on your blog is not a dialogue. Making fun of Scott Stapp is not a dialogue. A Jolly Rancher disguised as a sprinkle is not a dialogue!
I’ve got your dialogue right here (indicates crotch below):
Hey, what’s up?
(frantically dialing cell phone)
No, no, hey, it’s cool! I’m just here for the dialogue!
Why don’t you people get your own dialogue? Why are you always trying to take what belongs to us?
I’m…I’m talking about the national dialogue on race. The one that Barack Obama says we should be having. You and me.
You and me? Together? Is this some kind of state-mandated program?
We’re just supposed to talk, I guess. Kinda, understand each other’s grievances. To help with racial healing.
Well, it’s about time someone asked me to air my grievances. White men have been silent for too long.
Uh…okay! Okay, then. Why don’t you start?
Right. First of all, I’m tired of not being able to say ‘nigger’.
…
Do I do another one?
That’s your number one complaint.
It’s an unconscionable violation of my free speech.
Great. What else you got?
I’m tired of black people who don’t work to better themselves. They’re always looking for a handout.
Fair enough.
I mean, you can’t expect something for nothing in this world.
You mean, like, a lifetime of free labor from a slave?
Hey, buddy, we paid for those slaves.
All right, one more. Hit me. Don’t hold anything back.
Um….oh! The rap-hop music. And also those baggy pants. It’s disrespectful.
Okay. I feel like we’re really getting somewhere. I can just feel centuries of the wounds of racism healing over. All I have to do is give up my culture, let you call me racist names, and stop ever needing help for any reason, and you’ll like me. This is great.
Cool! Ha ha. Now you do some!
All right. I would like it if, when one person of my race did something, we didn’t all have to pay for it.
Great! No.
It would really help if there could be a general recognition of the fact that 400 years of slavery, oppression, segregation, disenfranchisement and discrimination has made things more difficult for us than for people who haven’t faced similar struggles.
Wow, I don’t even know what that means! But congratulations on being so articulate.
And maybe if we approached addressing the problems of the black community not as giving special assistance to the undeserving, but rather as a progressive endeavor that, ultimately, will benefit whites as much as it will blacks, then maybe this entire issue wouldn’t be so volatile.
I hear the word ‘progressive’ in there which means higher taxes, so no.
Aw, cranberries.
But really, this was a great idea, this whole dialogue on race thing!
Yeah, I think we’ve made real progress. This was really time well spent.
I can’t believe a Muslim came up with it.
Actually, he’s not a…
Yo, get the fuck up on outta here, terrorist motherfucker!
(frantically dialing cell phone)
Pshaaa. This ain’t no motherfuckin’ trialogue on race.
I hear that, my man!
So, you wanna go grab a beer, or something?
Fat chance, nigger.
~ ENDUT ~
*: Cf.
Smut Clyde said,
March 30, 2008 at 4:40
How about a big bag of dicks? Is that a dialog?
Scott Stapp said,
March 30, 2008 at 4:43
I am available to write new songs that speak to a dialogue on race. Fire up your gondolas everyone!
Mr. T said,
March 30, 2008 at 4:46
I ain’t flyin’ with that crazy fool Murdoch!!!!
D. Aristophanes said,
March 30, 2008 at 4:50
Also, please stop making jokes about knocking me unconscious whenever you see me at an airport. And no, little Italian runts can’t really whup me in the ring. Lastly, the Diff’rent Strokes I appeared on was not the ‘Very Special’ episode where Arnold got molested. That was an old white guy.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
March 30, 2008 at 4:54
Mister T for Attorney General!
PeeJ said,
March 30, 2008 at 4:55
Who the hell is that? Is that the actor from young comedies that always ends up sucking face with some other guy?
Please help – I’m pop-culturally illiterate.
Gundamhead said,
March 30, 2008 at 4:56
Man, fuck Chuck Norris! When it comes to 80’s muscle brains who can’t act and have become ironic pop culture icons of the new millennium, Mr. T is where it’s at!
I don’t hate Chuck Norris, but I pity da fool!
frantically dialed cell phone said,
March 30, 2008 at 4:58
*halp me*
Hannibal M said,
March 30, 2008 at 4:58
BA, you know you love it when a plan comes together.
Righteous Bubba said,
March 30, 2008 at 5:04
Firefox tip: right-click on an image. Choose view image. Check filename. Do not reveal that you have used this because you didn’t know either.
Vin Scully said,
March 30, 2008 at 5:11
(wild applause)
Jennifer said,
March 30, 2008 at 5:25
Bravo, Mister Pierce.
PeeJ said,
March 30, 2008 at 5:26
What’s a seacrest then? Is that anything like a seabiscuit?
Don’t tell me I have to watch teevee – it’s been 30+ years and I’m too old to start now.
Git offa my lawn!
Mazareth said,
March 30, 2008 at 5:30
Making fun of Scott Stapp may not be a dialogue, but it’s fun! :)
Scott said,
March 30, 2008 at 5:32
I’m sorry, that didn’t have nearly enough KILL WHITEY for my tastes.
PeeJ said,
March 30, 2008 at 5:40
Is it me? Is it Comcast (aka Satan’s daughter)? Is it the host?
Righteous Bubba said,
March 30, 2008 at 5:45
I am encountering hamster difficulties also.
Jim said,
March 30, 2008 at 5:52
I am now available to debate dialogues on race on television.
Bullsmith said,
March 30, 2008 at 5:52
Thank goodness that whole race thing is over with. Bravo!
Bullsmith said,
March 30, 2008 at 5:55
Thank goodness that whole race thing is over with. I thought even the A team couldn’t deal with that pile of pony poo. Bravo to Mr. T !
Stevenovitch said,
March 30, 2008 at 5:56
Seriously Ryan Seacrest vs. Mr. T? As a white guy I don’t remember ever selecting Ryan Seacrest to represent me. Can’t we get someone equally badass like Teddy Roosevelt or… anyway I’m sure there’s a living badass white guy somewhere.
PeeJ said,
March 30, 2008 at 6:07
Feed the hamsters already.
(Lex) Twilly Spree (Azagthoth) said,
March 30, 2008 at 6:14
Man, I still love Dwight Schultz as H.M. Murdock SOOO much. I have all of the A-Team on DVD now!! But Schultz now hosts a wingnut web radio show, and Face Benedict is a frequent wingnut guest apparently. It was so sad. One of my only shows from childhood I love.
Bravo Mr. Pierce though, Bravo!
(Lex) Twilly Spree (Azagthoth) said,
March 30, 2008 at 6:26
Scott–how about this one? Mr. Bob Jones U. got mad when I was pissed that his wife broke 4 of my CDs for being “degenerate secular trash” (her teenager ‘borrowed’ them; 2 Bauhaus, 1 Depeche Mode, 1 Hendrix). He told me to “get professional help” when I later called again to demand an apology.
So I called the cops the next morning, and asked if he liked my “professional help”…ROFL…they had to pay me to avoid a misdemeanor….HAHAHA! The “dirty Mexican” strikes back! The U-Hauls showed up soon after that. OK, not very “Kill Whitey” either, but sort of “Kill the Pottery Barn Ruby Ridge” family and I’m only 1/4 white….does that help?
“Fat chance nigger”….ROFL Pierce. “Jesus Christ and Grandma too! Jackson Pollack was a niggah…..”
Or some good Flava Flav. I always wanted to be Chuck D, but I always end up being Flava, dammit. Cept that now everyone thinks I’m Sarah Silverman. I say it’s not really physical resemblance, it’s just that we both say cunt all the time.
Al_In_Arabia said,
March 30, 2008 at 7:04
Oh My. That there Arab Terrorist is HIs Highness Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid al Maktoum, Prime Minister of the UAE and ruler of Dubai. Great. That’ll be this blog banned over here then.
FuriousGeorge said,
March 30, 2008 at 7:08
and Face Benedict is a frequent wingnut guest apparently
Not to mention a total douchesack about the new Battlestar Galactica. Or as I like to call it, “The good one”.
Nice Patti Smith reference. From back when punk rockers could get away with using that word in a non-racialized context. Then Ian Stuart and his ilk had to ruin it for everyone.
trashdog said,
March 30, 2008 at 7:15
Apropos the bag of dicks… Don’t click the link unless you want this image seared into your corneas forever.
Seriously NSFW. I warned you.
Matt T. said,
March 30, 2008 at 7:39
Never have understood the whole “it isn’t fair white people aren’t allowed to say ‘nigger’.” It’s stupid. For one, everyone is allowed to say “nigger” as much as he or she wishes. However, one is not automatically removed from the danger of being considered a complete douchebag afterwards. Also, as I’ve said before, I’m from Northeast Mississippi, and I think the only places one might here that word more from white mouths is either North Florida or South Carolina. It’s still pretty casually tossed about.
The other thing is these guys are always complaining about “not being able to joke around with my black friends” by the high decree against whitey using the n-word. Hey, buddy, if you want to call your “friends” a horrible, vile racial slur as a joke, be my guest. Don’t say it to my friends, though.
Racist is the craziest peeples, I s’pose.
Tehanu said,
March 30, 2008 at 8:06
Mr Leonard P: that was scurrilous. I loved it.
teh l4m3 said,
March 30, 2008 at 8:14
Wow – that cockball looks like an ornament from Rob Halford’s xmas tree.
GoatBoy said,
March 30, 2008 at 8:31
We also would have accepted “Ryan Seacrest’s”.
justme said,
March 30, 2008 at 8:53
That’s not a dialog on race,
Now this, this is a dialog on race.
Damn shame you can’t see that on the tee vee no more.
Worker said,
March 30, 2008 at 14:51
Hoch Hech!
Senator Ted said,
March 30, 2008 at 19:11
How about Mr. T and Chuck Norris have a dialog? Or maybe Trent Lott? Anybody but the schmuck you’ve got there now…
dilford said,
March 30, 2008 at 20:08
My contribution to “the dialogue” is just ripping off David Cross – “You know what’s worse than a pedophile? A racist pedophile. That shit’s just ignorant, man.” No, no, thank him, not me.
Dan Someone said,
March 30, 2008 at 20:40
If we are going to have an amazing race dialogue in this country, shouldn’t it involve Phil Keoghan instead of Ryan Seacrest?
jackd said,
March 30, 2008 at 22:24
The dialogue needs to be animated, so it can join the classic Diddy-Bjork call.
FuriousGeorge said,
March 31, 2008 at 0:10
I’ve never seen that before, that’s hilarious.
justme said,
March 31, 2008 at 1:25
PIZZA!
Adam Seale said,
March 31, 2008 at 1:34
I would like to file a complaint on this humorous commentary:
Baggy pants aren’t a cultural thing.
Unless you want to take prison signs as a part of your culture.
In which case, I would be laughing too hard at the irony to reply.
asd said,
March 31, 2008 at 1:47
FUCK YOU NIGGER!!
LULZ!! DEATH TO JEWS!!
River Rafting said,
March 31, 2008 at 2:51
I pity da foo!
ATLien in the Mist said,
March 31, 2008 at 4:03
Ryan Seacrest? What, was Clay Aiken not available?
Doctorb Science said,
March 31, 2008 at 4:03
You know what I don’t like? Black people aren’t allowed to say “cracker” or they seem all racist. I hear white people call each other “cracker” and “Big-Headed Yakub” all the time, but let some black guy try and join in with “honkey, please” and ooooh, you said a baaaad woooord ooooh.
Double standard.
crazydrumguy | readblog | » National Dialogue on Race said,
March 31, 2008 at 6:08
[...] Sadly, No! has a more contemporary example. [...]
RobW said,
March 31, 2008 at 8:27
I nominate Dog the Bounty Hunter as the white Mr. T.
Mike said,
March 31, 2008 at 12:08
400 years? Want to run that by me again? starting when and ending when?
Also, anyone but Seacrest. Seriously, who picked him?
justme said,
March 31, 2008 at 12:32
jackd,
Ask and you shall receive.
Animated, for all the yummy goodness.
http://img138.imageshack.us/img138/3411/dialogcf9.gif
Leonard Pierce said,
March 31, 2008 at 14:20
Oh, man, justme, well done.
Temple3 said,
March 31, 2008 at 15:13
Very well done. Very well done!
(Lex) Twilly Spree (Azagthoth) said,
March 31, 2008 at 16:44
Thanks Furious. I love that song, and Patti Smith made a good point with it. Outside of Society, as the refrain goes. To be a “nigger” (when she wrote that, before the word was too politicized) was to be outside of white, mainstream society. She was not by birth, but sang “and the cost, and the cost didn’t matter to me….I was lost, and the cost was to be outside society” (if I remember correctly).
Can’t forget Public Enemy either, “I don’t wanna be called your nigga.” The “nigga” X about 50…LOL.
As for me, I just want someone in my band to be called Lenny so I can yell “Lenny!” on occasion when he sings. Any musical Lennys here?
liberalrob said,
March 31, 2008 at 17:18
Brilliant! Bravo, Leonard P.!
I Pity Tha Fool Who Talks About Race in America! | Popehat said,
April 3, 2008 at 14:05
[...] that some wicked good satire has come out of the whole thing. So for now, let me share with you Sadly, No’s imagined debate on race between Mister T and Ryan Seacrest. You can also watch it in animated [...]
Axo said,
April 10, 2008 at 17:04
I would love to see an exclusively white USA. Let’s dump these people and find our fortunes somewhere else! What pisses me off is that they think we like being around them. Africa should trade with countries like china and india. Leave whites to their own fate. It’s funny how the issue of wether blacks like living in the same country with whites never comes up. There’s segregation, racism, affirmative action and all that. The basic question is never asked as to what blacks are doing living with whites in the first place. If I had it my way blacks and whites would never have met in the first place, let alone have anything to do with each other.
okie said,
June 28, 2008 at 5:15
this was so stupid. I keep hearing the same bullshit from black and white people. Someone needs to stand up and take a positive action whether its a black person, white, asian, hispanic, or whatever the race may be.
Righteous Bubba said,
June 28, 2008 at 5:27
Let’s dump these people and find our fortunes somewhere else!
Bye Axo! Enjoy the boat ride!
It Is *Dancing*!!!! » Required Reading said,
August 13, 2008 at 2:10
[...] on Sadly reminded me of this, which may just be the best blog post I’ve ever read. We should put it in the header. [...]
JET said,
August 21, 2008 at 2:23
How about a national dialogue on the fact that there is only one race; human?
Would that be too hard to grasp for all the people who’ve been inculcated to think that there is some actual, fundamental difference between black, white, yellow and brown people?
The first tenet of racism is that there ARE different races. Why not kick that tenet right under the fucking bus where it belongs?
notyetfood said,
November 10, 2008 at 8:37
axo you know there is no such thing as blacks and whites , right? I mean that must be a clever subtle joke you are making. Yes, you must be really bright.
Whatever. But truly…..Why so hateful, brother?
notyetfood said,
November 10, 2008 at 8:41
RIGHT ON JET!
Really we need to see this and come out of the dark ages of biological ignorance. This is so simple and true. It is verified again and again by repeated experiments and studies….its just the damn plain simple truth. Everybody who believes in your race for the love of humanity do your own research.
Try to prove race is real!
You go try, Axo.
kenga said,
December 23, 2008 at 15:41
lulz – this is the first google result when I searched “dialogue on race mr t”
Which I was seeking for an example of how I expect a dialogue with Rick Warren to work out.