21
If Everybody Is Fabulous, Then Nobody . . . Etc., Etc.
If you were a graduate of Oral “Donate or God Will Kill Me” Roberts University, had been caught impersonating an INS officer, and had been fired from WMAL for being to much of a kook even for that station, then perhaps you might have more sense than to get tangled up in the Obama-Wright nonsense. But then you wouldn’t be Michael Graham:
Obama … admitted that he had in fact been in church for some comments that “could be considered controversial - just as I’m sure many of you have heard remarks from your pastors, priests or rabbis with which you strongly disagree.”
Uh, no.
As a graduate of Oral Roberts University who grew up attending church five times a week - including tent revivals, healing services and the handling of less-than-friendly reptiles - I can honestly say that I never attended a service where the minister preached race hatred, anti-Israel paranoia or used the phrase “ridin’ dirty” in a theological context.
Well, of course, Graham didn’t hear that because the only thing he heard the ministers say, at least when they weren’t speaking in tongues, was “Whoa, son, be careful, that there snake’s about to bite you!”
America is still a nation suffused with racism, Obama insisted. To paraphrase the Disney movie “The Incredibles,” “If everybody’s racist, then nobody is.”
Okay, Michael, I know that we’re dealing with a tag line in a cartoon, which means that it’s a concept that may well be considerably too complex for you to grasp, but you can’t just substitute any word for “special” in that sentence from the cartoon and still have it make make sense. If everyone is green, for example, then everyone is, well, green.
This is not the first time that Graham has bollixed up the line in question. In a hilarious column in which he flounces around over a Wikipedia entry that said he was gay (and what would ever have given anyone that idea?), he said this:
If everybody’s final Jeopardy answer is right, then nobody’s is.
If everybody thinks Michael Graham is a blithering idiot, then nobody thinks he’s a blithering idiot. Sadly, of course, no.
Note from the Sadly, No! midtown Manhattan law firm: “Michael Graham is not gay and never has been gay, notwithstanding that he looks exactly like Lindsey Graham after a second face lift.”
OTB said,
March 21, 2008 at 14:21
If everybody’s gay, then nobody is. That’s why we need to enforce gay marriages on the entire country when Hussein X is installed as Black Caesar. To eradicate homosexuality, of course.
Robert M. said,
March 21, 2008 at 14:32
I would like to further point out that the guy uttering that line is the warped, homicidal badguy.
Not that I’m condemning this line of thought. In fact, I think he should take it further: survive for a month on his own in the wild, using only the hunting skills of Elmer Fudd, the marskmanship of Yosemite Sam, and the mechanical expertise demonstrated by Wile E. Coyote.
Chlamydia Champaigne said,
March 21, 2008 at 14:34
From Graham’s Wiki entry:
Michael Graham: too crazy even for Glenn Beck.
Also, usually when you keep losing jobs for the same fuck-up reason, you’re considered to have ‘a problem’.
Bistroist said,
March 21, 2008 at 14:37
Ah, but when, in consequence of everybody being racist, nobody is, then everybody must be not-racist. But if everybody is not-racist, then nobody is?
Damn, maintaining a cartoon worldview is hard.
El Cid said,
March 21, 2008 at 14:38
Wait — is this the Oral Roberts University under investigation for massive corruption and possible underage relations by Mrs. Oral Junior herself and whose president Richard Roberts had to resign because of the same?
javafascist said,
March 21, 2008 at 14:38
You mean to tell me that the all-white male power structure that Graham has submitted his will to (no homosexual metaphors intended) has never uttered a Chamillionaire lyric as part of a sermon? Next you’ll be telling me that they don’t quote Ani Difranco or reference the witticisms of Graham Norton.
Jim said,
March 21, 2008 at 14:46
If everbody’s ridin’ dirty, then no one is.
If everyone’s a suuuuuuuuu-per genius, then no one is.
If everyone’s a varmint, then no one is.
pedestrian said,
March 21, 2008 at 14:48
Ugh, my pasty white fundie pastor used to make pop culture references all the time. Nothing worse than a failed vacuum cleaner salesman trying to connect with “today’s youth”
Prospero said,
March 21, 2008 at 14:53
Yeah, but Wright’s remarks are just so much worse then that, aren’t they?
Gary Ruppert said,
March 21, 2008 at 15:08
The fact is, Wright is a racist and an America hater. Association with this man means that Barack HUSSEIN Obama should be disqualified from any public office. He is also a confessed drug dealer and has done illegal real estate deals.
kc said,
March 21, 2008 at 15:16
Graham once wrote a column that basically blamed the Clintons and Democrats for people behaving badly at sports events. Mr. Graham wrote:
“Do any of these incidents, from the Carolina/Clemson fight to the Monday Night Football naughtiness really matter? Actually, yes. They matter to that slim (and shrinking) majority of Americans who share my unreasonable desire to live in a place where those advocating civility and common courtesy aren’t the bad guys, and where the foul-mouthed morons demanding 24-hour porn access on broadcast TV are.”
I think he wrote that a couple of years after he expressed, on national television, his desire to bludgeon Hillary Clinton with a tire iron.
Jim said,
March 21, 2008 at 15:21
If everybody is Gary Ruppert, then nobody is.
Gary Duppert said,
March 21, 2008 at 15:23
Factually speaking, John SIDNEY McCain is a traitor who gave top secret information to the Vietnamese soldiers who captured him, resulting in the death of brave American troops. He probably also had sex with them. His wife is a psychotic drug addicted slut who should not be allowed near the white house.
Real Americans who are literate enough to actually read the Constitution will not be fooled by this lying imposter and will overwhelmingly elect Barack Obama as President a 67-33 Democratic Senate, and a 70 vote Democratic majority in the House.
OTB said,
March 21, 2008 at 15:24
At least this Gary is an improvement.
Michael Graham said,
March 21, 2008 at 15:53
I am a homosexual and I like it up my ass.
Bistroist said,
March 21, 2008 at 15:54
Then nobody likes it up my ass?
Arky "I Just Get These Headaches" The Blasphemer said,
March 21, 2008 at 16:06
There’s a joke about sucking in here, but it’s Good Friday so I ain’t gonna go there.
pedestrian said,
March 21, 2008 at 16:23
Oh look, Muslims aren’t the only ones who <a href=”http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/books/03/21/author.deported.ap/index.html” aren’t Christian enough to be allowed into the US.
pedestrian said,
March 21, 2008 at 16:24
It ate the end of my tag! I swears!
trying again
Redleg said,
March 21, 2008 at 16:26
Im sure Graham didn’t disagree with any of the vile, racist, and ignorant statements his pastors have made.
Steam Powered said,
March 21, 2008 at 16:29
While watching the NCAA tournament yesterday a female friend of mine inquired, “Do you think the student section at Oral Roberts just chants ‘Oral! Oral! Oral!’ at games?”
owlbear1 said,
March 21, 2008 at 16:30
And Obama nails the dismount!
Are the Pig fucking Bigots still open for ridicule, Barack?
Some Guy said,
March 21, 2008 at 16:34
What? The fuck? “If everybody’s racist, then no one is”? You fucktard idiot. No. Christ. Too bad they didn’t teach English 101 at your Cult School for Morons.
Dagoril said,
March 21, 2008 at 16:34
But he looks so darn cute in that tutu! Nope, nothin’ gay there. Nope, not at all.
“If everybody’s a Liberal Fascist, then nobody is.” Hey, I can play that game too!
Jas said,
March 21, 2008 at 16:38
Funny, I think he looks like the distinctly gay host of “What Not To Wear”, Clinton Kelly.
pedestrian said,
March 21, 2008 at 16:43
Funny, I think he looks like the distinctly gay host of “What Not To Wear”, Clinton Kelly.
*slaps Jas across the cheek*
Take it BACK!
pedestrian said,
March 21, 2008 at 16:50
No, I’m kidding, I never even heard of the guy. But from your link he does appear to be attractive and interesting, more than I can say for Michael Graham.
Can we stop calling all of these viscious effete vile hypocrites gay? I’m not saying he isn’t gay, but God damn America, can’t we just categorize these types as their own seperate orientation?
Robert M. said,
March 21, 2008 at 17:01
Sure, but “Has Technically Heterosexual Sex While Thinking of The Commander-In-Chief’s Codpiece” doesn’t exactly fall trippingly from the tongue.
Oh, also? The Clemson/Carolina fight was TOTALLY the Cocks’ fault. My position on this matter is totally dispassionate, and has nothing to do with the Tiger paw on my diploma.
Arky "I Just Get These Headaches" The Blasphemer said,
March 21, 2008 at 17:04
Seconded.
I know it’s painful. I understand the vicarious shame you must feel. But you all need to make peace with the fact that 99.9% of the loonies are from your tribe. Perhaps .5% like to bone guys, but Strom Thurmond liked to bone black women and contrary to common wisdom when he was a lad (17th century) it didn’t rub off on him and turn him into a black guy or even cause him to want peace, kittens and candies for all African Americans.
By the same token (har!) Graham and his ilk clearly like to blow three-legged goats but that hardly makes him a crippled ungulate.
SomeNYGuy said,
March 21, 2008 at 17:07
Or…
Gary Ruppert is nobody.
I think I like that version best of all.
Robert M. said,
March 21, 2008 at 17:32
To be more clear, I totally support the idea of finding a different epithet for vicious, vile hypocrites of all stripes. The only obstacle is that I’m not too good at the epithetizin’, so someone else is going to have to do the heavy lifting on this one.
g said,
March 21, 2008 at 17:33
I am gary ruppert
Jas said,
March 21, 2008 at 17:35
Isn’t that what cobag is for?
Robert M. said,
March 21, 2008 at 17:41
No, a cobag is someone who deserves to be clocked in the head with a big bag of…
…oh. I see what you did there.
Arky "I Just Get These Headaches" The Blasphemer said,
March 21, 2008 at 17:46
Retrosexuals?
ignatov said,
March 21, 2008 at 17:56
If Graham’s fundamentalism allowed him to have pop culture knowledge beyond Disney cartoons and included filthy Broadway shows, he would have found a perfect example of the notion he was mocking in the lyrics of “Avenue Q”:
“Everyone’s a little bit racist
It’s true.
But everyone is just about
As racist as you!
If we all could just admit
That we are racist a little bit,
And everyone stopped being
So PC
Maybe we could live in
Harmony!”
Hysterical Woman said,
March 21, 2008 at 18:38
“He commutes to Boston daily by single-engine aircraft from the Provincetown, Massachusetts home he shares with his partner, a novelist.” –From the “Michael Graham” article on Wikipedia.org
Dude, that doesn’t directly at least say you’re gay, though the term partner implies it. Besides, it makes you a pilot! Isn’t that cool?
Me said,
March 21, 2008 at 18:44
This is not the first time that Graham has bollixed
Is this an acceptable spelling? I always thought it was bollocked. Anyone feel free to correct me.
Righteous Bubba said,
March 21, 2008 at 18:49
Is this an acceptable spelling?
Yes.
tb said,
March 21, 2008 at 20:07
So much for original sin, I guess.
Lesley said,
March 21, 2008 at 20:26
If everybody dislikes him, then nobody likes him. Someone needs to tell him. (Snakes included.)
Henry Holland said,
March 22, 2008 at 1:50
Dammit, it’s bad enough we mo’s have to own up to the fact that people like Ernst Rohm and Roy Cohn and J. Edgar Hoover were on our team, but this fuckwit as well? No, simply…..no.
Kip W said,
March 26, 2008 at 0:41
“When everyone is somebody, then no one is anybody.” — W.S. Gilbert, “The Gondoliers” [And he meant it. It's the thesis of the anti-democratic operetta. Not that I agree with him.]