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It’s A Nice Day For A White — As In, Pure As A Loaf Of Wonderbread — Wedding
Hey little sister, shotgun!!
This just in: the super-fabulous Monica Goodling, one of ATL’s all-time favorite people, is engaged!
Monica Marie Goodling, of Alexandria, is engaged to be married to Michael Krempasky, of Falls Church. The wedding is planned for later this year.
The future bride, a consultant, previously served as senior counsel to Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales and White House liaison at the U.S. Department of Justice. She graduated cum laude from Messiah College and received J.D. and M.A. degrees from Regent University.
Mr. Krempasky is a senior vice president at Edelman, a full-service, global public relations firm. He is also a founder of RedState, a leading conservative blog.
The couple requests donations to the RNC in lieu of presents. Gifts of nude statues will be returned unopened along with prayers for the sender’s soul. And U.S. Attorneys who show up at the wedding without first demonstrating the secret Republican handshake will be fired, fired, fired.
Above: Synergy without teh sin!
Anyway, sincerest S,N! congratulations to my old friend Mike Krempasky, who later this year will become only the fourth Redstate.com contributor to get laid in this millennium (and only the third if we discount Leon Wolf’s episode with a chicken, as it seems correct, if a tad heartless, to do).
[Mental note -- Tic-Tac's bound to be at the wedding, and surely someone will be taking pictures.]
[Via.]
Hattie said,
February 26, 2008 at 21:42
Now that’s snarky. Tut tut.
witty1 said,
February 26, 2008 at 21:51
Whew, the future of the race is not in jeopardy after all.
But she is 34, and we all know she should get down to making sure we outbreed teh moselims, as the Human Steyn would say.
Or is it OK for Bushies to pursue a career first?
moondancer said,
February 26, 2008 at 21:56
Messiah college meets wingnut welfare recipient… all is well. They will read old copies of Saturday Evening Post and pretend they live in a world that doesn’t exist.
gbear said,
February 26, 2008 at 21:57
Well that IS just super-fabulous.
You may be jumping the gun a bit in saying that he’ll get laid though. If she decides to keep her career for a while, they’ll have to postpone starting a family, and if they aren’t starting a family, it’s bad to have sex.
Dan said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:05
I know that she is a traitor to the Constitution and has assisted bad people do bad things to the country. But she IS pretty in a Mandy Pepperidge kind of way. I would totally do her. I’d do her hard. I would totally fuck her til she cried. I would slap her ass while I drive her into the headboard. Hear that Mike?
gbear said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:09
Moondancer, will they mark their place with bookmarkers that measure what they’ve lost?
Jerkstore said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:13
She graduated cum laude from Messiah College
“laude” means “on the chin” in Latin, right?
Dagoril said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:13
Pale pasty-white isn’t really my type, but I’d bang the guy. I am, however, very slutty.
I’d have to bleach his Red State traitorousness off of me afterwards though.
Ugly In Pink said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:15
Making obnoxious sexual comments about the guy’s intended is worthy of RedState. Make fun of HIM, please. Or is anything with a vagina just too easy a target?
HTML Mencken said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:16
I am making fun of him, Ms. Bartow.
Jerkstore said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:18
Or is anything with a vagina just too easy a target?
Depends on how big the vagina is
FlipYrWhig said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:19
Aw — another success story for eHarmTheCountry!
pedestrian said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:24
Making obnoxious sexual comments about the guy’s intended is worthy of RedState. Make fun of HIM, please.
Monica Goodling isn’t just “the lucky lady”. She is a wingnut in her own right.
Rightwingsnarkle said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:24
“Hear that Mike?”
Or, put another way, “How did my dick taste?”
Ugly In Pink said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:26
So? Then make fun of her wingnuttiness. Note that saying “get back in the kitchen” or “start having white babies” is totally appropriate, since she (presumably) advocates that for everyone. But it is a tad different than “I would totally fuck her til she cried”
That said, Jerkstore’s comment did make me laugh.
Principal Blackman said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:26
eHarmTheCountry!
ZING!
blowback said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:29
Is it possible that they were bleached for the photos, they look far too white to me. Either that or they have both spent far too much time in the basement with the Cheetos and Dew
digamma said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:32
The awesomest thing about Monica Goodling is her email signature:
“There were many chances to lose our heart, our nerve, or our way. But Americans have always held firm, because we have always believed in certain truths. … And we know that when the work is hard, the proper response is not retreat; it is courage.”
GW Bush July 4th 2005.
Ugly In Pink said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:32
received J.D. and M.A. degrees from Regent University
Where else can one spend so much, to learn so little?
Ugly In Pink said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:35
senior counsel to Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales and White House liaison at the U.S. Department of Justice.
She’ll have had plenty of practice lying her ass off then, the foundation of a wingnut marriage.
pedestrian said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:36
Oh yeah… I didn’t see that comment. Sorry, you are right, totally uncalled for. Ugh.
No way I’d fuck Mike, by the way. Well, maybe with a ten-foot pole. There, does that balance out the sexism a little?
NobodySpecial said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:45
I’m assuming the cocktail weenies at the reception will be covered in either American…or Cheez Whiz.
Ugly In Pink said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:49
There, does that balance out the sexism a little?
Much better. They both look like lumpy sacks of bread dough to me.
But at least it’s dough made with white flour! Or something.
OneMan said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:52
I can just picture their wedding night….
*harps…*
The Bridal Suite at the Whalebone North Carolina Day’s Inn is inches larger than the normal rooms and has a view across the highway to the sea. There is a bang and a rattle at the door. It swings open and Michael Krempasky staggers in, carrying Monica Goodling in his arms. He barely avoids the slapstick cliche of banging her head against the doorjamb and wobbles across the room and gently drops her onto the bed.
They gigle a little, then Michael turns to the Magnum of Mumm’s chilling in the faux-pewter champagne cooler and pops the top. He pours a generous dollop into two plastic champagne flutes and turns to his new bride. “Let me offer a toast…to the most beautiful woman in the world. I am so lucky. I can just feel the spirit of Ronald Reagan smiling upon us. Bottoms up!”
They snuggle and kiss, kiss and drink but it is late and they are tired from hours of wedding-day tension and the stress of trying to greet every guest at the reception. Soon, Michael gives Monica a look full of meaning and says, “I’m ready for bed, aren’t you?”
Monica gives a little start. “Oh. Oh, of course, yes, let me just go into the bathroom, slip into something more…comfortable.”
Michael gives her a sly grin and waggles his eyebrows. “Absolutely, darling. Take your time!”
Several minutes later, Monica comes out of the bathroom, wearing an ankle-length muslin gown. Michael is already in bed, naked, drifting off with Sportscenter on the TV. He opens his eyes and smiles, but the smile fades as his eyes drift down her body. He flips off the TV and scoots over in the bed, inviting her in.
Moments later it is dark and there is rustling from under the covers.
“Darling, just touch it. It won’t hurt you.”
“But it’s so…small.”
“Maybe you should speak right into the microphone.”
“…I don’t know what that means.”
“Er, well, neither do I. Just touch it. I’ll just start…”
“No! You can’t touch me there. Nobody must touch me there! It is unclean!”
“But I…OK. Just roll over onto your back. I’m ready.”
“Mmph…ow…uh…OK, I…”
“…”
“Is that it? Are you done?”
“zzzz.”
And many happy returns.
Susan of Texas said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:56
She may look like a sorority girl but she helped pervert the Justice Department. She’s the kind of person who would simper and twirl her parasol while ordring a slaves to be whipped for sassing her.
UiPink, I wouldn’t worry about men who talk about raping a woman to get back at a man. The woman is the not the object of interest, so to speak.
JohnnyRingo said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:57
It’s a full-service pr shop. Think about it.
NobodySpecial said,
February 26, 2008 at 22:59
Several minutes later, Monica comes out of the bathroom, wearing an ankle-length muslim gown
Fix’d.
Ugly In Pink said,
February 26, 2008 at 23:01
I wouldn’t worry about men who talk about raping a woman to get back at a man.
You wouldn’t???
And, I too thought of this: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39100
Jon H said,
February 26, 2008 at 23:01
For the honeymoon I hear they’re going down to the Circle M MinuteMan Experience Ranch and Spa, where she can get a facial and stuff and at night they can take part in a highly accurate simulation of a border patrol and immigrant apprehension, without taking on any actual risk of injury or contact with an actual Latino.
Gary Ruppert said,
February 26, 2008 at 23:02
The fact is, Bow-chicka-WOW-WOW.
Chuckles said,
February 26, 2008 at 23:02
This notice reminds me of all the reasons why I am I was kicked out of the catering industry in DC.
Paul M. said,
February 26, 2008 at 23:04
I HAVE A MEMO.
ViktorYushenko said,
February 26, 2008 at 23:05
She’s got nice big tits, though.
White Male, Jew of Liberal Fascism said,
February 26, 2008 at 23:06
The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages!
You’ll want to be one of the first to make a contribution to this great man’s legacy.
The Library will include:
* The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
* The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don’t even have to show up to see it.
* The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don’t let you in.
* The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don’t let you out.
* The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room (You won’t be able to find it, but it’s there.)
* The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, you must go back for second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour,
* The Dick Cheney Room, in an undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.
* The K-Street Project Gift Shop, where you can buy (or just steal) an election.
* The Airport Men’s Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
* The Alberto Gonzales Room, you won’t remember going there.
* The museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President’s accomplishments.
* Last, but not least, there will be an entire floor devoted to a model of the President’s ego.
Ugly In Pink said,
February 26, 2008 at 23:08
A 1/5000 scale model.
PeeJ said,
February 26, 2008 at 23:09
Umm, Ugly in Pink? Monica soooo deserves whatever she gets here. She lied to Congress, broke the law when hiring for the DOJ, and ever so much more. Check the TPM archives for the full poop.
PeeJ said,
February 26, 2008 at 23:10
Yikes! How the hell did I screw that link up so badly?
TPM
That’s better.
Ugly In Pink said,
February 26, 2008 at 23:13
PeeJ,
For your ignorance, I would hatefuck you till your eyes melted.
fish said,
February 26, 2008 at 23:19
“laude” means “on the chin” in Latin, right?
That is so awesome.
Chuckles said,
February 26, 2008 at 23:21
“…why I am GLAD I was kicked out of the…”
oops.
Michael Krempasky, Esq. said,
February 26, 2008 at 23:30
Dear RedState Reader:
I have, as they say, some good news and some bad news.
(Short version: We need you to open your wallet and give what you can to build WeddedState 3.0. Go here to help. We need the money ASAP.)
The good news first: RedState.com is about to embark on a major upgrade of our life that will make it easier and just plain more fun.
The bad news: our liberal “friends” – you know, the ones who believe so strongly in free love and open marriages– have done what they can to prevent us from making these life improvements, so that our chances of getting all the gifts on our registry will be minimized just as we head into the 2008 wedding season.
You see, when we started planning for the major haul a wedding would bring in May of 1994, we used a wedding registry program called Scoop — the same program a lot people on the left use. But, as the number of invitees grew, the cost of the wedding did as well, and we’re too damn cheap to pay for it all ourselves.
If we’d been liberals, we would have been able to fix the problem quickly and relatively cheaply: we’d have just eloped or shacked up because just being together would have been the important thing. But since we want every little thing on our registry and then some, but on the cheap, we had to take drastic action.
That drastic action is to beg for money and gifts from people who aren’t invited. If you on the left don’t give stuff to us, you hate love, your momma, and all that is good and beautiful in this world. Plus you’re greedy and selfish and totally don’t understand what marriage is truly about.
SamFromUtah said,
February 26, 2008 at 23:49
Where else can one spend so much, to learn so little?
Harvard MBA school comes to mind.
Thers said,
February 26, 2008 at 23:50
Wow, ‘d forgoten about Swords Crossed… wonder if they’re still around? Looks like they are, though barely.
Krempasky is rather a mendacious little shit. And so is Goodling. Hooray for them!
histrogeek said,
February 26, 2008 at 23:53
“of Falls Church”! Is that THE Falls Church, home of the “No Girls or Gay Boys Allowed, and if you make us we’ll illegally steal your property and just screw you and your democratically elected convention” Episcopal Church? Bet that’s where they’re getting married.
Smut Clyde said,
February 27, 2008 at 0:09
Is it possible that they were bleached for the photos
Wedding sponsored by Vigala cream.
Matt T. said,
February 27, 2008 at 0:20
“Messiah College”? Really? Wow. I looked it up, there’s a college called Messiah College. It’s somewhere near South Friggin’ Nowhere, Pennsylvania, and the school motto is “Christ Preeminent”. Says the student activities board brings in bands for the students, including non-Christian acts. I now have a goal in life.
George Clinton said,
February 27, 2008 at 0:31
I want you to hit it
Good god! hit it and quit it
I want you to, hooo-whoaa
Oh mama, hit it
Good god! hit it and quit it
I want you to, ohhhh, oh yeah
Oh mama, hit it
Good god! hit it and quit it
I want you to, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh
You can shake it to the east
Shake it to the west
Hit it
Good god! hit it and quit it
Yeah, all up and down
And move it all around
Hit it
Good god! hit it and quit it
Susan of Texas said,
February 27, 2008 at 0:51
UIPink, I was insinuating that Dan really wanted the guy, not the girl.
rea said,
February 27, 2008 at 1:08
A Red State wedding? Will they be performing the traditional light sabre dance?
nilsey said,
February 27, 2008 at 1:59
speaking of tic tac, it looks like he redesigned his website to make explicit the fact the he is the marble douchebag., check out the image header on the site…….
mikey said,
February 27, 2008 at 1:59
In order for them to have a traditional Red State wedding, wouldn’t they have to be first cousins?
mikey
Hysterical Woman said,
February 27, 2008 at 2:07
histrogeek, I thought it referred to the place Falls Church, in suburban DC.
Xenos said,
February 27, 2008 at 4:02
“of Falls Church”! Is that THE Falls Church, home of the “No Girls or Gay Boys Allowed, and if you make us we’ll illegally steal your property and just screw you and your democratically elected convention” Episcopal Church? Bet that’s where they’re getting married.
The Democratic state senator (Chap!) goes to that Church. The Falls Church has affiliated itself with a Nigerian Bishop who tolerates polygamy on the part of the clergy - but no homos allowed!!!! Just imagine what appalling depths the Republicans fall to there.
Kathleen said,
February 27, 2008 at 6:11
I assume they’ll have an Iraqi-shaped pinata for the reception?
OriGuy said,
February 27, 2008 at 6:34
Since Monica took an oath of loyalty to the President, I wonder if it requires his permission, as her liege lord, to marry. I won’t even mention droit de seigneur. Oops, I mentioned it.
owlbear1 said,
February 27, 2008 at 7:55
“Oh Baby I just saw you up there lying to Congress and I knew you were the only woman for me.”
“OH Michael! You can rip my burkha off anytime!”
ViktorYushenko said,
February 27, 2008 at 8:23
RE Dan—
I’ve got 50 feet of red parachute cord with her name on it… From the first time I saw her testifying before congress, I started picturing her in her ‘Hanes Her Ways’ getting swatted with a riding crop…
Arky "I just get these headaches" The Blasphemer said,
February 27, 2008 at 15:02
Falls Church is a city in Virgina.
And. How can I say this? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a few of those people in my family. And I have NO PROBLEM voting for Obama. But … OK, here goes.
God damn those people are WHITE! I don’t care what the Surgeon General says about skin cancer, there is no excuse for being that pale unless you’ve got albinism or you’re a vampire.
Susan of Texas said,
February 27, 2008 at 16:42
And you know they’ll pop out their own little doughboy before long, who will grow up to write “Strongman: Why America Needs A Big Daddy to Keep Us Safe, Since Our Daddies Were Too Bat-shit Crazy To Love Us.”
roac said,
February 27, 2008 at 17:15
Falls Church, the city, is named after Falls Church, the church, which was there first.
Their politics are not the same however. Falls Church is an inner suburb of DC and hence Democratic.
The groom may or may not actually live in the city. Large areas of Fairfax County have F.C. for a postal address.
Falls Church High School is a Fairfax County school. The Falls Church high school is called George Mason. The right-wing public university of the same name, however, is in Fairfax County.
Got all that?
NoahC said,
February 27, 2008 at 17:32
Primae noctus?
(from snopes.com)
(It) was also practiced by despotic Roman chieftains, who took the custom to a new level by charging husbands for their performance of this duty; prospective husbands who couldn’t afford to pay the fee could not marry.
The real reason for fund raising? Paying Bushie for the right to deflower Ms. Goodling.
stogoe said,
February 28, 2008 at 1:13
Are we talking circumference or diameter?
As for me, I’d probably just dash him about the ears with an 18-inch double-sided dildo for being so fucking stupid.
As for Monica? She gets to go to jail. For treason.