I’m sequestered in a tiny corner of the Exhibit Hall with my laptop cranking its coolants trying to patch into a live feed of Ann Coulter’s speech before the Yiffies for Freedom. The Anntichrist got bounced from the official schedule this year, but the YAF snuck her through in a laundry hamper so that no one would be denied the pleasure of hearing her call someone a rude name. (My prediction: since she used “raghead” in ’06 and busted out “faggot” in ’07, she’ll go ahead and call Barack Obama a nigger this year.) I can’t get in — it’s 500 people max, and I just now found out about it, so the hall is already filled with pimply Young Republicans — but Town Hall is thoughtfully providing me with a worm’s eye view of the disaster.
More on that later, though: for now, here’s an uninstructive encounter from awhile back:
He’s sitting next to me in the lobby of the Omni Shoreham, typing furiously into a Sony laptop. He has a striped shirt with a popped collar and an ‘80s haircut he cribbed from Shadoe Stevens. For a long time, he says nothing; even when some steak-and-brandy fatass rumbles through the joint and disconnects the cable to his computer, he just eyefucks him and mutters to himself. But after a while, we strike up a conversation, borne of the boredom of waiting. His name is Tony, and he’s a stockbroker.
Why is Tony so mad?
“That fuck-stick Romney dropped out. That just leaves us with McCain.”
You don’t have any affinity for the Senator, then?
“He’s a weak sister. He won’t have the guts to invade Iran.”
Iran must be ripe for invasion. It seems like we’ve been waiting forever. But what of Iraq?
“Iraq is over. Iraq is somebody else’s problem now.”
The problem of the Iraqis, I would guess.
“Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Iran is the issue. Iran has the Islamic bomb.”
A bomb that follows a religious ideology is a terrifying concept indeed; but what about Pakistan?
“Pakistan is our ally. But even if they weren’t, Iran is the destination.”
Not according to my travel agent. But what makes you say that?
“Iran is where the money is.”
“Look, Iraq has been good to us. Everybody knows that. Construction, defense, telecoms, it’s a whole new market.”
It’s a real success story.
“You’re telling me. But compared to Iran, it’s nothing.”
A trying five years for nothing. But what do you mean?
“It’s a bigger country. It’s a richer country. It’s a country with a market class and a rich and developed economy. It wasn’t living under Stalinism like Iraq. Once we get our hands on those markets, we’re finally going to see a payoff for all the effort we’ve put into the wars.”
America put in the effort, but you’ll get the payoff.
“Not if that fucking McCain gets in.”
Well, we can only hope.
“That’s the problem with the conservative movement these days. Too much hope.”