Feb
8

The Beast is Red, Chapter 10: The Sugar and the Shit




Posted at 23:19 by Mister Leonard Pierce

I’m sequestered in a tiny corner of the Exhibit Hall with my laptop cranking its coolants trying to patch into a live feed of Ann Coulter’s speech before the Yiffies for Freedom. The Anntichrist got bounced from the official schedule this year, but the YAF snuck her through in a laundry hamper so that no one would be denied the pleasure of hearing her call someone a rude name. (My prediction: since she used “raghead” in ’06 and busted out “faggot” in ’07, she’ll go ahead and call Barack Obama a nigger this year.) I can’t get in — it’s 500 people max, and I just now found out about it, so the hall is already filled with pimply Young Republicans — but Town Hall is thoughtfully providing me with a worm’s eye view of the disaster.

More on that later, though: for now, here’s an uninstructive encounter from awhile back:


He’s sitting next to me in the lobby of the Omni Shoreham, typing furiously into a Sony laptop. He has a striped shirt with a popped collar and an ‘80s haircut he cribbed from Shadoe Stevens. For a long time, he says nothing; even when some steak-and-brandy fatass rumbles through the joint and disconnects the cable to his computer, he just eyefucks him and mutters to himself. But after a while, we strike up a conversation, borne of the boredom of waiting. His name is Tony, and he’s a stockbroker.

Why is Tony so mad?

“That fuck-stick Romney dropped out. That just leaves us with McCain.”

You don’t have any affinity for the Senator, then?

“He’s a weak sister. He won’t have the guts to invade Iran.”

Iran must be ripe for invasion. It seems like we’ve been waiting forever. But what of Iraq?

“Iraq is over. Iraq is somebody else’s problem now.”

The problem of the Iraqis, I would guess.

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Iran is the issue. Iran has the Islamic bomb.”

A bomb that follows a religious ideology is a terrifying concept indeed; but what about Pakistan?

“Pakistan is our ally. But even if they weren’t, Iran is the destination.”

Not according to my travel agent. But what makes you say that?

“Iran is where the money is.”

What money?

“Look, Iraq has been good to us. Everybody knows that. Construction, defense, telecoms, it’s a whole new market.”

It’s a real success story.

“You’re telling me. But compared to Iran, it’s nothing.”

A trying five years for nothing. But what do you mean?

“It’s a bigger country. It’s a richer country. It’s a country with a market class and a rich and developed economy. It wasn’t living under Stalinism like Iraq. Once we get our hands on those markets, we’re finally going to see a payoff for all the effort we’ve put into the wars.”

We?

“Well, America.”

America put in the effort, but you’ll get the payoff.

“Not if that fucking McCain gets in.”

Well, we can only hope.

“That’s the problem with the conservative movement these days. Too much hope.”

78 Comments »

  1. tb said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:24

    Town Hall is thoughtfully providing me with a worm’s eye view of the disaster.

    That’s the only way to see it. Go native.

  2. Dave said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:25

    Can you put these CPAC postings in a separate area so we can savor all of them at once?

  3. TheHolyFatman said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:26

    You are one brave muthafucker. seriously.

    I’m actually in DC and would have loved to buy you a drink for your bravery. I’ll drink one in your honor on my way home to the great city of Baltimore.

  4. Brian said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:29

    An “active” conversation. That will please Derick (although he may be disappointed that you failed to provide a link to a photo of Shadoe Stevens).

  5. gbear said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:34

    I hope you dropped ALL of your drugs into his drink after that conversation. You can always get more. He can only have his mind blown for the first time once.

  6. OneMan said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:36

    My god, please tell me that was a fictional conversation with a made-up character.

    Please?

    Because if it and he are real, I’m going to have to move. I wonder if Australia would take a clapped-out Linux network geek?

  7. Rishy said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:37

    Sir, I offer my most sincere complements on your self restraint. I do not believe I would have lasted this long without committing grievous bodily harm on one of those FNG things masquerading as humans.

  8. Kuda Bux said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:41

    So now all wars are justified if we can screw Europeans out of their telecom and building contracts. I blame the misappropriation of Sun-Tzu by the investment class.

  9. fardels bear said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:42

    How pathetic do you have to be to be Ann Coulter? That hunk she has a crush on didn’t invite her to his party with all the cool kids in the high school. So, rather than showing some self-respect, she accepts an invitation from the hunk’s little junior-high brother to come to his room and play video games with him in his bedroom while the cool high schoolers are in the living room.

    She is so incredibly disparate. She’s 14 minutes, 58 seconds into her 15 minutes and she knows it.

  10. fardels bear said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:43

    Desperate. Ann, is desperate. She’s not disparate, indeed she’s maniacally focused.

  11. Mom in Maine said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:45

    Hi – This is my first visit. I came here so maybe someone could hold my hand?

    I’m watching the “Our National Defense—Looking to the Future” talk on c-span and I think I might be having an anxiety attack.

    You are brave for going into the belly of the beast. Now… who will give me a paper bag so I can stop hyperventilating?

  12. Scott said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:46

    It almost makes you wish for a complete economic meltdown. Sure, I’d be dead in a gutter before the first day was over, but my last moments would be comforted by the fact that all these greedheads would be spending the rest of their short sad lives fighting over mostly-empty cat food cans…

  13. Blue Buddha said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:47

    They’re just right wing pigeons from outer space
    Sent here to destroy the human race
    They don’t give a damn about you or me
    They just buy guns and watch TV

  14. Some Guy said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:47

    That little back and forth needs to be copy-pasted everywhere.

  15. Jas said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:47

    I’ve never seen a more succinct depiction of “Conservatives: Selfish, Stupid or Both?” gambit in all my days.

  16. patrick said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:47

    Well that says it all doesn’t it?

    Tony offers a good primer on neocolonialism. I’d like to see his accounting on this one. Apparently he supports whomever can funnel your payroll taxes to his portfolio, preferably by means of killing Arabs and/or Persians.

    And Romney “has the guts” to invade Iran? Is he serious? Romney didn’t have the guts to fight a penniless old man whose own party hates him! Romney’s posturing on the kill-the-muslims front was for the CPAC crowd and had about as much truth to it as his newfound anti-abortion position. That’s why they ultimately didn’t get behind him, because even for a crowd of people that enjoy being pandered to, his pandering was crass and disingenuous. That’s what they get though. Expect bullshit, get bullshitted.

    You picked a good year to go to CPAC: The Unravelling

  17. Jake H. said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:49

    What a loser. Thinking small. If we want to invade a rich country, why the fuck are we dicking around in the Third World?

    The question is, who has the guts to invade Japan or Northwestern Europe? Certainly not that weak sister McCain…

  18. sophie brown said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:49

    what bums me out is that you can’t go all psycho on these people like hst would. creating some mayeh in the wake of that conversation would sure be cathartic.

  19. sophie brown said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:50

    I meant mayhem…..

  20. Greg T. said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:55

    “It’s a bigger country. It’s a richer country. It’s a country with a market class and a rich and developed economy. It wasn’t living under Stalinism like Iraq. Once we get our hands on those markets, we’re finally going to see a payoff for all the effort we’ve put into the wars.”

    Chilling and revealing.

  21. Five of Diamonds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:55

    A moment of unedited candor from a real Republican. If only he’d mentioned oil revenue sharing we’d have a full-blown whistleblower on our hands.

  22. Scott said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:56

    I doubt you have too much to worry about, Mom in Maine. I tend to assume that almost everything on TV nowadays is sensationalized to the point of pure fiction.

    What’re they saying? Are they saying we’re gonna get invaded by Islamobanjofascists? Ain’t gonna happen. We got a military budget bigger than every other country on the planet combined — no one’s nutty enough to try to invade the U.S. with an army of 14 guys and a popgun, trust me. Are they saying terrorist nukes are being smuggled in? It’s always possible, but we can’t say for sure, ’cause the current Republicans aren’t even trying to prevent it.

    Here’s how to solve all current national defense issues: (1) Get out of Iraq — instantly save trillions of dollars, plus you quit pointlessly killing American soldiers. (2) Put some of those trillions you’re saving into things like port defense and inspection. Start spreading the cash around to police departments, fire departments, and first responders, and start giving them real training on how to spot and/or prevent terrorist crimes. (3) Get Osama out of the Pakistan safe house he’s been sitting in. (4) Make Osama and Bill O’Reilly fight to the death, then shoot the winner.

  23. Gavin M. said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:58

    Can you put these CPAC postings in a separate area so we can savor all of them at once?

    I’m making a special page for ‘em this eve…

  24. Nimrod Gently said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:58

    It should be a law. If you’re that stupid, and have no interest in becoming not stupid, you shouldn’t have an opinion about geopolitics.

  25. g said,

    February 9, 2008 at 0:04

    “Look, Iraq has been good to us. Everybody knows that. Construction, defense, telecoms, it’s a whole new market.”

    Is that true? I mean, yeah, defense, but construction? telecoms? I mean, maybe having some Kuwaiti contractor jerry-build police barracks so poorly the sewage system doesn’t work is good for the Kuwaiti contractor, but how does the disappointingly meager “rebuilding” of Iraq enrich a guy like that?

    Unless he’s talking about Carlyle Group holdings?

  26. Teh Gary said,

    February 9, 2008 at 0:05

    The fact is, Tony is a great American patriot which is why he was given the center square on Hollywood Squares and a prominent role on Dave’s World. You liberals are jealous of his flowing locks and his love for the capitalist paradise that is a failed state, but we in the heartland will soon rise up to stop your miscegination and baby-killing because we are well-educated and brush our teeth carefully.

  27. Helena Handbag said,

    February 9, 2008 at 0:06

    His stupid works for him, Nimrod G. just like it works for Dubya–all the way to the bank.

  28. Mom in Maine said,

    February 9, 2008 at 0:06

    Hi Scott -

    Of course I know none of this is going to happen. But the fact that they are all frothing at the mouth, trying to outdo each other on their lists of where we need to be expanding our empire next… (“it’s a jungle out there” seems to be the theme of the afternoon) is terrifying me. I really shouldn’t watch this stuff.

    What worries me is that all this hyperbole will leak out of the CPAC convention into mainstream media over the coming months and the frightened citizenry will cower on the wing of John McCain. That’s all I worry about. But thanks for trying to reassure me.

  29. Mom in Maine said,

    February 9, 2008 at 0:07

    “on the wing” should be under the wing, sorry… I am writing and taking care of 3 kids at the same time…

  30. Five of Diamonds said,

    February 9, 2008 at 0:08

    Why doesn’t this guy try to start a market trading Iraqi childrens’ skulls?

  31. Hoosier X said,

    February 9, 2008 at 0:12

    Many of the people I work with are just like this guy.

    I have no problem believing that conversation, WORD-FOR-WORD.

    I hear pieces of that shit every fucking day just walking down the street.

    I live in Lancaster, Calif., which has a big billboard that says, “Voted #1 for business in Los Angeles County.”

    I have yet to see the billboard that says what the residents think of the arrangement.

  32. kiki said,

    February 9, 2008 at 0:28

    Scum.

  33. Dave said,

    February 9, 2008 at 0:30

    I’m making a special page for ‘em this eve…

    Sweeeeeet.

  34. r4d20 said,

    February 9, 2008 at 0:31

    LP has more self-control than I do. I would have had serious urges to kick the living shit out of that guy.

  35. Liberal Masochist said,

    February 9, 2008 at 0:40

    MLP – I posted this in the last chapter at the end of the thread. Drinks on me in Houston if you are from here. Wow. You need a wing man (HST had one) or an extraction team as has been suggested.

  36. KC45s said,

    February 9, 2008 at 0:43

    Shadoe Stevens! Best pop culture ref I’ve seen in weeks. Bravo.

  37. t4toby said,

    February 9, 2008 at 0:48

    Mom in Maine -

    In lieu of a paper bag, I give you S,N!’s Wingnut Look-Alikes and my post on someone else’s hard work, In my Estimation.

    That should get you through for awhile.

  38. Me said,

    February 9, 2008 at 0:50

    PA announcer in the Omni Shoreham: Will a Tony please come to the lost and found? Tony, to the lost and found. We have a soul here that appears to belong to you. It’s black, shrivelled and wasted away to almost nothing. Tony, to the lost and found. Thank you.

  39. J— said,

    February 9, 2008 at 0:58

    Tony the Stockbroker has internalized the Shock Doctrine.

  40. Principal Blackman said,

    February 9, 2008 at 1:19

    “Islamic Bomb” sounds like it could’ve been the Iron Sheik’s finishing move.

    “Sergeant Slaughter is down! The Iron Sheik is picking him up, and…oh no, he’s setting him up for…my god, he hit him with the Islamic Bomb! 1-2-3! Iron Sheik wins it!”

  41. Leonard Pierce said,

    February 9, 2008 at 1:23

    IRAN NUMBA ONE! RUSSIA NUMBA ONE! USA NUMBA…TWENTY!

  42. Derek said,

    February 9, 2008 at 1:26

    Where are all these comments regarding my wanting pictures coming from? I never once said these posts were too long, or they didn’t have enough pictures. I said the writing quality is very poor. I also suspected that the people disagreeing with me have very low reading comprehension levels. I think I have more evidence for that now. (P.S. “Derek” — not “Derick.” Hugs and kisses.)

  43. Derek said,

    February 9, 2008 at 1:28

    Hey, Leo. I left a comment for you back in Ch. 8. Best regards.

  44. Brandi said,

    February 9, 2008 at 1:34

    Yiffies for Freedom?!

    Oh man, if there was some way you could hook them up with the furries…

  45. t4toby said,

    February 9, 2008 at 1:37

    Gary/Kevin/Saul/Derek???

  46. g said,

    February 9, 2008 at 1:38

    deorek

    Fixed your typo.

  47. t4toby said,

    February 9, 2008 at 1:47

    crossposted comment

    Fuck! You could not be a bigger wussy, shit head! You, Sir Derek, are a coward.

    See how you can click on my name and you get my blog? I stand behind what I say, no matter how asinine. You’re just afraid of the world.

    C’mon, Leonard. Will you e-mail me who this is, so I may eviscerate him on my lowly blog? Please?

  48. t4toby said,

    February 9, 2008 at 1:48

    Pretty please? With sugar on top?

  49. Daphne Chyprious said,

    February 9, 2008 at 2:04

    Please stop using “pimply” as a pejorative at once. It’s as cruel as it is irrelevant: ie, worthy of our opponents.

  50. Mr. Whitehead said,

    February 9, 2008 at 2:16

    Please stop using “pimply” as a pejorative at once. It’s as cruel as it is irrelevant: ie, worthy of our opponents.

    I thoroughly agree.

  51. Bob Boil said,

    February 9, 2008 at 2:24

    Please stop using “pimply” as a pejorative at once. It’s as cruel as it is irrelevant: ie, worthy of our opponents.

    I thoroughly agree.

    Oh I don’t know…could be worse.

  52. Acne Corporation said,

    February 9, 2008 at 2:30

    We kept sending our flyers to that stupid coyote and never earned dollar one from him.

  53. handy said,

    February 9, 2008 at 2:34

    I also suspected that the people disagreeing with me have very low reading comprehension levels.

    Way to go and throw that one out there. Yes, absolutely positively the only reason people are disagreeing with you is because of their reading comprehension levels. I say go with it!

  54. Mo's Bike Shop said,

    February 9, 2008 at 2:40

    I think she said ‘the President is NEAR!”

  55. justme said,

    February 9, 2008 at 2:42

    Ah, the plaintive cry of the Red-Nozzled Fuckstick; unfortunately, not an endangered species.

  56. Kevin Chancre said,

    February 9, 2008 at 2:45

    Oh I don’t know…could be worse.

    Ya think?

  57. justme said,

    February 9, 2008 at 2:53

    While I’m normally somewhat more of the forgiving, live and let live type, turdsnorkles like this make me yearn to see them bounced unceremoniously from their health insurance rolls just as their portfolio tanks, an identity thief fucks their credit rating to Dubai and back, and they are diagnosed with something horribly disfiguring yet easily, if expensively, cured.

  58. Gertrude Goiter said,

    February 9, 2008 at 2:54

    As a representative of the American Pustule Association, I feel I must protest this thread in the strongest terms possible; indeed, this is central to my point.

  59. Fozzetti said,

    February 9, 2008 at 3:02

    Durr-Ick is just another troll with pretensions to literacy. I read about those kinds of guys in Mad Magazine.

  60. A Sane Person Goes Deep Into The Heart Of Darkness « Beware The Man said,

    February 9, 2008 at 3:06

    [...] Part 10.   [...]

  61. Arky the Blasphemer said,

    February 9, 2008 at 3:42

    Has anyone ever spoken to a person high on speed, coke or possibly glue fumes?

    ‘K. Now think of that conversation and then go read Tony’s remarks again.

    Sound familiar?

  62. Miss Whitehead said,

    February 9, 2008 at 3:42

    Can I just say I love you guys for making me laugh so much is these very troubling times!

  63. WillyK said,

    February 9, 2008 at 4:22

    HossierX is 100% right. I worked in Lancaster, CA for two years and it is unfortunately a perfect microcosm of ignorance-driven conservatism. Very few of them are a Tony but a lot of them have kids in Iraq and still haven’t figured out the joke that the Cheney and Tonys of the world have perpetuated on them. They will whole-heartedly support McCain over that “b*tch” or that Hussein-fellow even if he makes their little evangelical hearts skip a few beats.

  64. Maggot infested sack of oozing puss said,

    February 9, 2008 at 4:58

    Now you’re telling me!

  65. Innocent Bystander said,

    February 9, 2008 at 6:48

    Pretty revealing….it’s the new corporate raider playground….hostile takeovers of countries. Breaking up infrastructure to unlock value. They’ll “do the deal”, plunder the assets and leave another country completely bankrupt,,,pass off the remains to the workers (or the remaining citizens) and let them deal with the aftermath….. while they go on to the next “acquisition”.

  66. Tehanu said,

    February 9, 2008 at 7:22

    “It’s a bigger country. It’s a richer country. It’s a country with a market class and a rich and developed economy. It wasn’t living under Stalinism like Iraq. Once we get our hands on those markets, we’re finally going to see a payoff for all the effort we’ve put into the wars.”

    I keep saying it. It’s not power and cruelty and aggression that really drives these people, not in the last analysis. It’s greed.

  67. winterbear said,

    February 9, 2008 at 7:36

    Iran is a fools errand and has a high potential for being another quagmire.

    The first place we need to invade is Canada. I mean, its just sitting there… and it would be a lot more profitable than Iran. Its full of timber and white people. its got oil and no military. They are not known for their insurgents and suicide bombers and we could quickly integrate them into the country. Except for Quibec we wouldnt even need translators. We also wouldnt need anyones permission to mass our troops before the invasion and we would save a fortune in transportation costs. It would be a cake walk. They would great us as liberators and shower us with flowers after 200 years of tyrannical English rule.

    I am sure we could easily convince the patriot class that they need invading. I mean, they have to have had some kind of nuclear development plan at some point. We could even claim to be rescuing them from the evils of socialized medicine.

    Seriously… what are we waiting for?

  68. justme said,

    February 9, 2008 at 8:50

    Innocent Bystander said,

    February 9, 2008 at 6:48

    Pretty revealing…

    Ol’ Gordon Gecko has nothing on these folks. In their minds, anyway. I suppose they figure that if you are entirely ruthless, you don’t have to be smart.

  69. Dan Someone said,

    February 9, 2008 at 18:13

    I also suspected that the people disagreeing with me have very low reading comprehension levels. I think I have more evidence for that now.

    I don’t understand what you mean.

    Seriously, Derek (did I get that right?), if you don’t like MLP’s writing, then by all means don’t read it. Apparently, it’s compelling enough for you to get through ten (so far) chapters, so it’s not totally unreadable. Yeah, it’s a conscious homage to HST and gonzo journalism; and yeah, there can never be another HST; but really, so fucking what? As far as I can tell, you’re not MLP’s editor, and I (along with many others, to judge by the comments) have been perfectly happy reading MLP’s account of his trek to the Ninth Circle. So really, what is your problem? (Other than now being so defensive you’re flaming typos.)

  70. Andrew said,

    February 9, 2008 at 18:24

    The “too much hope” thing is going the rounds because Obama talks about hope a lot. So the new meme on R blogs is “hope is for losers” and “hope won’t cut it with the jihadists”.

    Just in case you mistakenly thought it was evidence of wit.

    (PS Derek has gone now.)

  71. Monkay said,

    February 9, 2008 at 18:46

    Sir Norman Angell always never said that World War I could not happen.
    This is in fact relevant; see The Great Illusion (your local university library should have a copy) in which it is explained that in today’s interconnected world (and this book was written 98 years ago) it won’t really pay to invade and occupy your rich neighbor country. World War I occurred, this thesis was shown to be true, and ever since, the militant right has libeled Angell as “that guy who said World War I was impossible, and wouldn’t happen)
    Excellent work, LP!

  72. sagra said,

    February 9, 2008 at 18:57

    I am aghast that such evil speaks its name in public. Tell me you made up the stock broker guy out of whole cloth before I start weeping.

    No, really. That makes Cheney seem… cuddly in comparison.

  73. sagra said,

    February 9, 2008 at 19:03

    “(4) Make Osama and Bill O’Reilly fight to the death, then shoot the winner.” = WIN!

  74. sagra said,

    February 9, 2008 at 19:10

    Seems like a natural mistake… picking the spelling with “dick” in it.

  75. Duros62 said,

    February 9, 2008 at 21:22

    “That’s the problem with the conservative movement these days. Too much hope.”

    Republican bumper sticker FTW!

  76. tigrismus said,

    February 9, 2008 at 22:48

    Someone said to me today we needed another revolution, but more like the French Revolution this time. I said I wasn’t sure I’d be willing to go that far, but this loathsome pustule of a stockbroker makes me reconsider.

  77. Flag Pin said,

    February 10, 2008 at 5:51

    That shit is some fucked up shit.

  78. Heywood J. said,

    February 10, 2008 at 19:07

    “Look, Iraq has been good to us. Everybody knows that. Construction, defense, telecoms, it’s a whole new market.”

    Here’s hoping “Tony” eventually meets a fate out of a Thomas Harris pot-boiler. It’s bad enough when they’re just stupid, but when they’re so comprehensively, indifferently evil like that, you just wonder where there might be a handy wood-chipper or vat of sulfuric acid.

    Actually, the best way to really hurt a piece of shit like “Tony” would be to make him poor. Karma, do your damned work already. You’ve been lagging.

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