Feb
8

The Beast is Red, Chapter 9: Brought Me To Darkness, But Not Into Light




Posted at 21:00 by Mister Leonard Pierce

Cameos:

  • Wayne LaPierre’s speech about gun rights is remarkably well-received. The part the audience likes best is a short film in which people who have killed criminals talk about how guns saved their lives; in filmed re-creations of the crime scenes, all the bad guys are blacks. LaPierre’s narration: “Menacing figures coming towards you in the shadows…you are defenseless and completely alone.” It’s 1992 all over again!
  • Rachel Marsden, all-around conservative gadfly, is giving out free t-shirts to those who can answer questions about Ronald Reagan. The t-shirts, which Rachel had made herself, read, “C.I.A. CENTER FOR AQUATIC EXCELLENCE – WATERBOARDING TEAM”. The crowd just came apart when they saw this — biggest laugh of the convention so far. Torture is hilarious!
  • One of Rachel’s questions: who was the worst Democratic president in history? “FDR”, a large number of people call out. (That man!) “Carter,” say a lot fewer than I would have expected. “Woodrow Wilson,” say the majority -– the Doughy Pantload must be pleased that his audience can properly identify a liberal fascist when called upon to do so. The ‘correct’ answer? “All of them!” Cue sad trumpet.
  • The Hugo Chavez Democrats: Silencing the Right panel is by far the most deluded I’ve sat in on so far, as well-paid right-wing blowhards with bestselling books and radio shows with huge audiences stand in front of true believers who paid upward of $500 to listen to them speak and argue that liberals are not allowing them to be heard. It’s especially odd since, before she introduces each panelist, she talks about how their websites get millions of hits, or their show has the biggest audience in its area, or their book was a New York Times best-seller. The suffering! When will conservatives be able to catch a fucking break?
  • Number of times Hugo Chavez is actually mentioned by the panelists: 0.
  • Andrew Breitbart talks about the terrible pain of being a conservative in La-La Land. Liberals, he says, are “the angriest people the world has ever known,” while conservatives in Hollywood must exist in the closet like gays. He compares Charlton Heston to Rock Hudson, not in gayness, but in having to conceal his true nature lest he miss out on the choice roles. A number of hot young Hollywood actors (who, curiously, he does not bother to name) have sat in front of him and cried about how much they care for our boys in uniform; but they dare not reveal their secret trips to visit wounded soldiers, because “they don’t want anyone to know they support the troops.” We all know how much the public hates it when people support the troops.
  • WorldNetDaily.com leading maniac Joseph Farah’s mustache is off the fucking chain. He looks like a doughier G. Gordon Liddy wearing a bad wig.
  • Before giving his usual bullshit boilerplate about how our universities are overrun by life-hating, “freedom-killing” Reds who do their level best to keep conservatives off campus – a curious claim because there are hundreds of college conservatives in the room as he says those words – David Horowitz sits up front restlessly. He pouts, drums his fingers, gazes around the room, shuffles through his notes, and refuses to pay the slightest bit of attention to the other speakers. For him, life is just a long, barely tolerable bunch of waiting periods before he is allowed to speak again.
  • I had a fascinating conversation with one of the CafePress.com reps, who thinks that their tracking of candidates’ t-shirt sales and other merchandise may prove to be predictive of the election. Also, it was fun to talk to him because like your humble lobbyist for the American Milk Solids Council, he has to basically pretend to be a crazy right-winger and hide his own light under a bushel in order to make the sale. We leave each other with a manly tear of regret in the corners of our eyes. Only the French Foreign Legion understands us.

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Above: Ace of Spades, CPAC Blogger of the Year

50 Comments »

  1. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    February 8, 2008 at 21:04

    Ladies and gentlemen, your Blogger of the Year: Mr. Play-Doh and Bacon.

    That’s two strips, Mister Pierce.

  2. stryx said,

    February 8, 2008 at 21:14

    Left hand Play-Doh, right hand Bacon.

    You know it’s the right thing to do.

  3. Legalize said,

    February 8, 2008 at 21:16

    Caption:

    “I swear to you, the armed services recruiter couldn’t have been more than this far away from me at the time….”

  4. Gundamhead said,

    February 8, 2008 at 21:19

    Jeez, talk about yer victim class! These idiots really have some nerve whining about gays and “identity politics” and what not. Are they clueless or pure evil? Is there any amount of power and influence that would let them feel secure?

    Forget it. I think we all know the answer.

  5. Jay B. said,

    February 8, 2008 at 21:21

    This is the perfect description of Horowitz, who seems in every way a textbook narcissist.

    For him, life is just a long, barely tolerable bunch of waiting periods before he is allowed to speak again.

    Excellent stuff.

  6. pedestrian said,

    February 8, 2008 at 21:22

    “Menacing figures coming towards you in the shadows…you are defenseless and completely alone.”

    Vote Kerry Healey!

  7. empressmitzi said,

    February 8, 2008 at 21:24

    Oh god…Rachel Marsden is still peddling her pathetic ass around Lower Wingnuttia? Who’s she stalking this week?

  8. Hoosier X said,

    February 8, 2008 at 21:30

    I love the conservatives who go on and on about how divisive the liberal media is, often in the same paragraph where they go off on illegal immigrants, and Hillary playing the gender card, and John Edwards on class warfare, and all those awful, awful people who refuse to say “Merry Christmas” until it’s actually Christmas.

  9. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 8, 2008 at 21:39

    - Number of times Hugo Chavez is actually mentioned by the panelists: 0.

    The free market will provide more mentions of Hugo Chavez.

  10. gbear said,

    February 8, 2008 at 21:39

    Life is just too short for me to click the link thru to those conservative sites, but I’m wondering; does ‘truthlaidbear’ use that name because he’s too upstanding to use the ‘f’ word?

  11. Kuda Bux said,

    February 8, 2008 at 21:52

    C.I.A. CENTER FOR AQUATIC EXCELLENCE – WATERBOARDING TEAM

    Ahem, I believe my being one of you pre-SN! angel investors entitles me to a t shirt and I am nodding upward to indicate a preference.

  12. Jake H. said,

    February 8, 2008 at 21:52

    David Horowitz sits up front restlessly. He pouts, drums his fingers, gazes around the room, shuffles through his notes, and refuses to pay the slightest bit of attention to the other speakers. For him, life is just a long, barely tolerable bunch of waiting periods before he is allowed to speak again.

    This is the perfect description of Horowitz, who seems in every way a textbook narcissist.

    I don’t know, Jay B. This, combined with the way he talks, makes me think he’s just plane crazy, in that shifty ADD way. Like the guy you sit next to on the subway who keeps muttering to himself, breathing loudly, rocking back and forth and adjusting his clothing.

    All that said, isn’t it kind of awesome that a guy whose whole schtick is “conservatives should be allowed to speak out” gets to an event where every conservative on earth speaks the fuck out like nobody’s beeswax, and he’s totally disinterested and cranky about it?

  13. Jake H. said,

    February 8, 2008 at 21:53

    * or “plain” crazy, maybe. Let’s go with that.

  14. ortho_bob said,

    February 8, 2008 at 21:58

    I trust cannons fired tubs of bacon-scented Play-Doh into the crowd to celebrate Ass o’ Spuds victory.

  15. Josh said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:03

    Does the conservative movement require its male members to be doughy white guys with glasses and beards?

  16. JR said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:05

    in filmed re-creations of the crime scenes, all the bad guys are blacks

    Surely they could have thrown in a Muslim or two.

  17. Five of Diamonds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:08

    Re Horrorwitz:

    Conservative thought barely makes it in modern academia due to the whole research, fact-checking, peer reviewing, reality-based, critical thinking thingie.

  18. Nimrod Gently said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:09

    “C.I.A. CENTER FOR AQUATIC EXCELLENCE – WATERBOARDING TEAM”.

    *vomits blood*

  19. gbear said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:14

    Nimrod- Look at the bright side, maybe whoever wins one of those ‘waterboarding team’ t-shirts will wear it out to a bar tonight. They may be vommiting blood themselves before the sun rises.

  20. t4toby said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:16

    Two things:

    I gazoogled Joseph Farah. Off the chizzle, indeed.

    Ace looks 15 years older and 50 pounds heavier. Like Jonah’s brother.

    Lonely Pantload?

  21. t4toby said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:17

    WTF is up with the spam filter? If that gets any tighter, it’ll be like.. well, it’s pretty tight.

    Guys?

  22. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:23

    - Rachel Marsden, all-around conservative gadfly, is giving out free t-shirts to those who can answer questions about Ronald Reagan. The t-shirts, which Rachel had made herself, read “C.I.A. CENTER FOR AQUATIC EXCELLENCE – WATERBOARDING TEAM”.

    This really begs for a mention of the fact that Rachel Marsden accused her swim coach of raping her.

    She’s a sick individual.

  23. PeeJ said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:23

    HorrorWits is teh funnay! Remember when he claimed he needed bodyguards because those icky-poo liberal students were threatening him?

    I went to see DaHo when he visited Penn State. He’s very clearly self-obsessed; beyond delusional. I wouldn’t be surprised to have him pull one of those “bash yourself in the face and blame the liberals” things.

  24. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:24

    Correction: he wasn’t her coach.

  25. wilson said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:27

    Mister Pierce – I won’t joke about purple hearts. You deserve a lot of credit for taking on the belly of the beast. A fantastic series. Crowned with the best sentence I have read for GWB’s legacy “George W. Bush, when you get right down to it, is a fucker.” It needs to be said – again and again.

    A righteous takedown. And, I had a similar fraction of dissonance when I heard Bush on the phone with his daughter when she called from the Ellen show. For an instant, well, it was fine, a Dad and his daughter. But, I’m sorry, that won’t cover it – way too many daughters without dads and dads without daughters as a result of his mindlessness. And everyone else in that room, what they believe, stand for, and enable.

    Best.Post.Ever.

  26. Five of Diamonds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:38

    Bubba I read that entire article. That woman has quite a background. And when I say that I mean she’s seriously deragned.

  27. sagra said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:40

    in filmed re-creations of the crime scenes, all the bad guys are blacks

    Surely they could have thrown in a Muslim or two.

    Nah. The instinct here was good. There’s always that extra danger that the black guy might miscegenate with your womenfolk… and that they won’t be that into you afterward.

  28. foreigner said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:48

    Rachel Marsden, Mark Steyn, David Frum…

    Canada has a lot to apologize for.

  29. Matt T. said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:54

    C.I.A. CENTER FOR AQUATIC EXCELLENCE – WATERBOARDING TEAM

    *Scratches head* Man, that isn’t even funny, not even in a sick, black humor sort of way. “Aquatic Excellence”? The hell that even mean? Why not just get a t-shirt that says “I’m A Sick, Twisted Excuse For A Human Being, Please Avoid Me”.
    There’s always that extra danger that the black guy might miscegenate with your womenfolk… and that they won’t be that into you afterward.

    David Allan Coe wrote a song about that once, and what’s funny is that all the rednecks that get tickled over it don\’t realize they are who he’s talking about.

  30. The Kenosha Kid said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:00

    Does the conservative movement require its male members to be doughy white guys with glasses and beards?

    And every tenth male has to wear a bowtie.

  31. g said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:04

    Wow. Marsden sounds very very scarey. Be careful, Mr. Pierce.

  32. bjacques said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:05

    Ace doesn’t look like Jonah’s brother. He looks like Jonah’s future.

    I dunno how you took down Chris St. James in that hotel bar without getting thrown out, or did you just watch him whip it out and start slapping it until *he* got thrown out? Either way, we want pix!

  33. Lawnguylander said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:09

    Canada has a lot to apologize for.

    What’s a Canada? Please remind me.

  34. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:11

    Canadis, canada, whatever you’re selling I’ll take a can of it.

  35. Jake H. said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:16

    Does the conservative movement require its male members to be doughy white guys with glasses and beards?

    Teeee out and about in DC today, I was having so much fun picking out the people who are in town for this clusterfuck. Scarily identical, blonde, almost-hot, heavily-made-up sorority twins in black-pants-biz-casual over here. Trenchcoated dork with a ponytail sidling along next to a 400-pounder with a goatee over there. If I didn’t know what was going on, I’d swear that the lead in the local water supply was making me hallucinate.

  36. Liberal Masochist said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:17

    MLP – from your first post, it sounds like you are living in Houston. If so, you deserve a few rounds at your favorite local watering hole. Well done all of it. You’re a better man than I…

  37. Temporarily DeLurking said,

    February 9, 2008 at 1:09

    Hello–

    Longtime listener, first-time caller.

    Leonard Pierce is my motherfucking hero. Seriously.

  38. Derek said,

    February 9, 2008 at 1:20

    This was funny. I laughed.

  39. Leonard Pierce said,

    February 9, 2008 at 1:24

    Well, thank Christ. Now I can kill myself.

  40. t4toby said,

    February 9, 2008 at 1:44

    cross-posted comment
    Fuck! You could not be a bigger wussy, shit head! You, Sir Derek, are a coward.

  41. Noni Mausa said,

    February 9, 2008 at 1:55

    …they dare not reveal their secret trips to visit wounded soldiers, because “they don’t want anyone to know they support the troops.” We all know how much the public hates it when people support the troops.

    This kind of thing is what I call a “preemptive hate”. Basically what the strategy requires is that the hater forcibly, and perhaps a little crazily, accuses people more or less at random of not hating the people they hate. Because the hater looks crazy, they will probably not disagree with him very strongly, but will nonetheless get a message that if they don’t hate who he hates then they might get hurt.

    This happened to me when I was a young thing back in Minnesota. I was sitting peacefully in a bar, not even very late in the evening, when a man at the table turned to me and quite angrily accused me of being a “n***** lover”.

    Since I was naïve at that time, I explained to him that I didn’t even know any. This was not good enough for him — he took my calm explanation as proof that I was what he said I was.

    Preemptive hatred should not be allowable in any society. The people who use it ought to be treated as though they had just put on the tinfoil hat or the Kaleidoscope glasses. They certainly shouldn’t be allowed a place at the table of discourse.

    Noni

  42. kiki said,

    February 9, 2008 at 2:09

    Fuck! You could not be a bigger wussy, shit head! You, Sir Derek, are a coward.

    “Tsk! Such dastardly ad hominem attacks are like hot knives plunged into my sensitive soul. And if you don’t agree, you’re as stupid as that big stupid head Jonah Goldberg, who we all think is stupid! Right, fellow SN readers?”

    Actually, I think that was a bit more convincing than the real Derek’s protestations.

  43. Harry Cheddar said,

    February 9, 2008 at 2:29

    Is it just me, or does Aceo’ have really dainty hands? Like a china doll I tell ya.

  44. brendancalling said,

    February 9, 2008 at 2:41

    THAT’S Ace of Spades?

    BWAHAHAHA.
    That guy looks exactly like someone I used to beat up on in elementary school.
    I like the haircut and those squeezably chubby cheeks. I just wanna grab those cheeks like my aunt selma used to do and go “Who’s a cutesy wutesy little wingnut? Who’s that wingnut? Is it YOU? Is it YOU? YES it IS and we loves you oodles and oodles of noodles.”

  45. RobW said,

    February 9, 2008 at 3:42

    A number of hot young Hollywood actors (who, curiously, he does not bother to name) have sat in front of him and cried about how much they care for our boys in uniform; but they dare not reveal their secret trips to visit wounded soldiers, because “they don’t want anyone to know they support the troops.” We all know how much the public hates it when people support the troops.

    So, wait. The USO doesn’t exist anymore?

  46. skippy said,

    February 9, 2008 at 5:01

    cpac blogger of the year?

    now there’ll be no talking to him.

  47. Lesley said,

    February 9, 2008 at 10:14

    Dude, be sure to stay several thousand miles away from Rachel Marsden. She’s not just a wingnut, but a scary psychotic loon where men are concerned.
    http://thetyee.ca/Mediacheck/2007/04/05/RMarsden/

  48. Duros62 said,

    February 9, 2008 at 21:07

    So, in Hollywood, conservative=shamefully gay?

    Works for me.

  49. John said,

    March 11, 2008 at 2:37

    You are the same group that loves demeaning jokes about religion etc…
    Self righteous hypocrites. Lefties such as yourselves DO immediately attack anyone who doesn’t follow your code ( which is a moving target, ask Tammy Bruce, former NOW LA chapter pres.) . How many famous conservatives went left ? like…none ?
    How many useful idiots came to their senses and became conservative…?
    Ronald Reagan, Whittaker Chambers, Tammy Bruce.
    Your ilk has been proven wrong countless times, but it never sticks.

    PS CPAC was AWESOME !!!..especially Ann Coulter

  50. Righteous Bubba said,

    December 25, 2008 at 2:16

    You are the same group that loves demeaning jokes about religion etc…

    Yes! That’s us, you crazy bastard!

    How many useful idiots came to their senses and became conservative…?
    Ronald Reagan, Whittaker Chambers, Tammy Bruce.

    In other words, they were no longer useful: one quality remained.

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