Feb
8

The Beast is Red, Chapter 7 (Interlude): Holding A Shard of Mirror Up To Nature’s Throat




Posted at 5:21 by Mister Leonard Pierce
milksolidscouncil.jpg
Above: No whey!

I have learned so much at CPAC already, I feel as if I am a new person. Like my namesake in Full Metal Jacket, I am born again hard. I know now that there is no excuse, ever, for not cutting taxes. I know that the easiest way to depress a Republican is to take his Mitt away, but I also know that a lot of liberals are soiling themselves with glee at this allegedly fatal divisiveness in the Big Tent, just as if every last stinking one of these banditos isn’t going to line up and press (R) come Election Day.

I know that Mark Noonan is very short and wears loud mist-green shirts. I know that eleven bucks is too much for a martini, even if it is a very good martini. I know that there is nothing funny about taking drugs, and that I must start listening to Green Day so I can stop listening to Green Day. I know that Kathryn Jean Lopez is inconsolable, and now that I think of it, I know that “Kathryn Jean Lopez is Inconsolable” is a pretty good title for a moody short story. (Or perhaps even a Moody short story.)

I know that Mitt Romney doesn’t like to lose, which is pretty funny considering that he’s a big fat loser. I know that David Horowitz is all over me like a cheap suit, and that a cheap suit is all over him like David Horowitz. I know that you can’t go swimming in a baseball pool. I know that according to WorldNet Daily head nincompoop in charge Joseph Farah, one of the biggest problems facing America today is witches. (No, really.) I have learned that 14-year-old pundit Kyle Williams is probably going to be savagely beaten many times when he reaches the age of majority.

I have learned that if you want to write a serious and important book, it should begin with the word ‘Yo’. (Let us no one forget that the original title of Jean-Paul Sartre’s masterwork was Yo! Being and Nothingness, Or What?.) I have learned that the words “American Milk Solids Council” are a magic key into the mind of man: every time I am speaking to someone and I utter those words, a little light goes out in their eyes and I can ask them anything I want. And I have learned that Iranians are super-scary and can shoot atomic bombs out of their eyeballs.

But mostly I have learned that a picture is worth a thousand words (or, adjusted against current exchange rates, 690 Euro-words or 1,008 Canadian words or “wordies”.) Let’s take a look, shall we?

Niger Innis runs out of luck
Dick Cheney: When I lower my hand, one of you will die.

I loved Big Brother
Dick Cheney: Big Brother addresses the Junior Anti-Sex League.

Wave of Death
Dick Cheney: See you in Hell, suckers!

Drugged Czar
Bill Bennett: Five large on 27 black, cowboy. And I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough.

Duo of Doom
Michelle Malkin and Bryan Preston: they eat your flesh, they drink your blood.

The Captains Quarters Have Been Downgraded to Nickels
Cap’n Ed: Why won’t anyone sit next to me? Do I smell? Okay, well, besides that, why not?

We really CORE a lot
Niger Innis: In an image that will enrage Brian McLaughlin, CORE draws a huge crowd.

An Iron Will and An Iron
The Women of CPAC: Every one of them was required to have this exact same haircut.

Long Island Iced Tea
Pamela Oshry: Am I pretty? Make it look like I’m working!

Chaos and nothingness
Elaine Chao: In the Bush tradition of a UN rep who hates the UN, a Labor Secretary who hates labor.

eat the flag
The Regency Ballroom: LOOK AT ALL OF OUR FLAGS! TOP THAT, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN’T!

a woman scorned
Kathryn Jean Lopez: “And I begged and begged but he still said he was going to quit the race! Hey, has anyone got a sandwich?”

hamm on wry
Mary Katherine Ham: All these jokes about John Edwards’ hair and nowhere to go.

why is this man not smiling?
At the Washington Times booth: the true spirit of CPAC.

and then I outed his bitch wife
Bob Novak: Do you have something you’d like to share with the rest of the class?

you look like a monkey and you smell like one too
Mark Steyn: “And demographic research reveals that the most dangerous place in America is between me and a camera.”

where your opinion counts for shit
Town Hall: The World’s Shittiest Website is now a magazine!

putting the bowel movement back together
Richard Viguerie: There is literally nothing this man cannot ruin.

golden boy no more
Ben Shapiro: It’s your world! Blog it! Podcast it! Change it! Do not have sex with it!

170 Comments »

  1. Marita said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:28

    Maybe someone would sit next to Cap’n Ed if he’d button up his freakin’ shirt.

    [shudder]

  2. Hollywood ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:29

    I know that “Kathryn Jean Lopez is Inconsolable” is a pretty good title for a moody short story.

    Rap song, Mr. Pierce!

    Hanx for the photos, and rock on.

  3. 5-year-old Glenn Reynolds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:32

    Heh. Indoodie.

  4. Feminine Glenn Reynolds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:32

    Tee hee! Indeed!

  5. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:32

    I know that Mark Noonan is very short and wears loud mist-green shirts.

    Did you touch his eyebrows? Were they moving independently?

  6. Glenn Reynolds Vitale said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:32

    HAHAHAHAHAHAH! INDEED, BAY-BEE!!!!!!!!

  7. Homer Glenn Reynolds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:33

    Heh. Ind…’oh!

  8. (The Real) Homer Glenn Reynolds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:33

    Sing to me Muse! What’s that? Heh! Indeed!

  9. Helena Handbag said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:33

    All those cold, soulless eyes. Brrrrr . . . I need to put on another sweater just looking at them. Thanks for the photo essay, but now I’m going to have nightmares.

  10. Hungover Glenn Reynolds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:34

    Ugh. Man. Indeed.

  11. Stomach Flu Glenn Reynolds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:34

    Heh. In…bleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

  12. Orgasmic Glenn Reynolds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:35

    Heh. Heh. Heh! Heh! HEH! HEH! HEHHHHH! HEHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

    Ahh.

    Indeed.

  13. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:36

    Bob Novak: Do you have something you’d like to share with the rest of the class?

    I gots a picture, too!

  14. High Glenn Reynolds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:37

    Heh. Indeeeeeeeeeeeeed, man.

  15. pessullivan said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:38

    What’s with all the Starbuck’s drinking going on there?

  16. Susan of Texas said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:39

    Is that Glen Reynolds talking to K-Lo? And what’s his hand doing in his pocket?

    Virgin!Ben reminds me of Ted Bundy.

    Gellar appears to have a 5:00 shadow.

    Bryan Preston looks high. (He also liked Serenity). He must be a RINO.

    Bill Bennett, the man who will lecture you on discipline while obsessively eating and gambling.

  17. HumboldtBlue said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:39

    May I?

    hee hee, snort, bwahaha-stifle, oh fuck it, hahahahahahahahahaha …KJ-Lo don’t miss her sammiches at all.

    I found this photo of ol’ Lopie …

    http://www.dogbitelaw.com/graphics/Crying-woman-small.jpg

  18. Candy said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:40

    Wow. I mean . . . wow. So many thoughts pop into my head as I look at those pictures, so many conflicting impulses all whooshing about – simultaneous desires to close the window, laugh, puke, hop a plane and fly there myself. perhaps even an urge to poke out my eyes.

    But the question which takes a wide stance at the forefront of my thoughts is:

    WTF is Cap’n Ed drinking? It looks like sloe gin with a coffee chaser. Dear God, have the wingnuts no decency?

    As for Teh Capn’s lonesomeness – he should hook up with K-Lo.

  19. mikey said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:44

    Goddam, those assclowns are weak.

    Two NVA sappers on a weekend Rice Wine bender could clear that banquet room and still be looking around for the defensive perimeter.

    Christ. This is what stands between our society and ruin?

    Shiiiiiit…..

    mikey

  20. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:46

    To be fair, I believe that Jake and Elwood would cut taxes and then take favours from the defense industry in exchange for Latin American hookers. And go to jail for it.

  21. ignobility said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:46

    If you do go swimming in that baseball pool, mr lp, be sure to take the milk solids out of your pocket first.

  22. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:46

    Better K Lo caption: All your sammiches are belong to us.

  23. paul said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:48

    is it just me or does Cap’n Ed look more like a decidedly lunchy pr0n producer than a conservative pundit? And where is Big Brain Brian’s other hand?

    You’re a brave man, Mister Pierce.

  24. HumboldtBlue said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:48

    And who the fuck is the “Sam Adams Alliance”?

    Are they drinking beer before noon?

  25. Vic said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:52

    I’m guessing from the first photo that the ventriloquist forgot President Mortimer Snerd was absent for the day.

  26. Pinko Punko said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:59

    Pam actually looks pretty good and non-crazy. Kudos, Pam, take care of yourself- perhaps the decays is like a cavity, on the inside.

  27. tbogg said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:04

    Why does Bryan Preston always have dark circles around his eyes? It’s like he was up all night trying to give Malkin a Dirty Sanchez and she wouldn’t let him do it because it “sounds too Mexican.”

  28. TRex said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:07

    Bryan Preston looks high.

    And increasingly chunky.

    God, do you think there’s any way those two are fucking? An explosive, marriage-destroying scandal might be the only thing that would make those two people interesting.

  29. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:08

    “On Super Tuesday, I called a number of knowledgeable Republicans, Democrats and neutral observers to check their appraisals of McCain as a general-election candidate. I found him consolidating support in his own party and being treated with great respect by Democrats.”

    On Mardi Gras, I called a number of people. These knowledgeable Americans guessed that Dave Broder wants to have Saint John McCain’s illegitimate baby.

    Out of wedlock, they added.
    ~

  30. zsa said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:11

    Wow, if they were wrapped in the flag any tighter, they’d asphyxiate.

    Excellent work, MLP.

    If Rush makes an appearance, you might want to drop a few OxyContin in his pocket.

  31. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:11

    Oopsies. The WaPo does not have preview comment, so I was using S!N’s.

    ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© Incorporated regrets the error.

  32. Rightwingsnarkle said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:13

    Since livers are intrinsically fascist, maybe you can hook some of those fuckers up with a few bottles of Maximum Strength Tylenol and some high-proof grain alcohol.

  33. Fozzetti said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:13

    Is attending the conference is like roller-skating in a buffalo herd? Where is the photo of the Depends booth? I hear their booth-babe is awesome!

  34. srv said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:15

    “I have learned that 14-year-old pundit Kyle Williams ”

    Hey, leave the kid alone. You know he went off the reservation and got uninvited at WND years ago? He had his own blog for awhile where recanted on much of the insanity, but people hounded him until it disappeared.

    Somebody should make a movie about that kid.

  35. Liberal Masochist (BJS) said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:19

    Did you bump into Gary or Saul by chance?

  36. gbear said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:19

    Why does Bryan Preston look like he’s wearing a sleeping bag under his clothes?

    Nice Congress of Racial Equality booth. Very informative just the way it is. I’ll bet the ‘Let’s Read The Constitution’ booth looked about the same.

  37. D. Sidhe said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:21

    I am proud to be one of the biggest problems facing Joseph Farah today. I gotta call the coven and tell ‘em the ol’ pins-in-the-poppet bit is working just fine.

  38. mikey said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:24

    Ahh. Yep. Fourteen. I thought that the world was the way it appeared to be when I was fourteen.

    I went to the beach. I drank booze, I did drugs, I surfed. I was fourteen.

    Then, through no fault of my own, I was sixteen. I had decisions to make. There was a war, and there was college, and there was me.

    I needed to run to canada, but I didn’t know how to initiate that action. So I chose Cavalry. Air crew, right? Fuck you, boy. We need bodies. Go in, and get some.

    It’s a fucked up rigged game, and anybody that thinks they can play is just getting played. You’re going to learn about dead people, dead animals, dead futures, dead hopes, dead death having dead shit.

    You can kill it. They’ll like you if you kill it. You can not kill it. Your shit is NOT strack. Fucker. Get rounds on target.

    Kill it. Burn it. Drink it. Play along, do your deal, kill the people who are the wrong color, and keep putting rounds downrange.

    Know what? Fuck you..

    mikey

  39. Smut Clyde said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:27

    No Whey!
    Dairy products gone bad!

  40. sniflheim said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:30

    Well I checked out your Corsi Atomic Iran link. The cover looks like a picture of a guy in full Muslim lady headgear. Which is probably integral to the John Kerry connection as they bribed him with Islamohomofascistmexialodocious sexual things.

  41. zsa said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:33

    Remember, in the men’s room, the tap-code is “one if by land, two if by sea”, if you take my meaning.

    Also, watch out for that sleazy fucker Horowitz … it takes a fraud to know a fraud.

  42. Vin Scully said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:37

    What better way to relaunch the conservative movement than with a reference to a movie that was released in 1980?

    A Blues Brothers poster, in 2008, that isn’t advertising Legends in Concert at Harrah’s. I’m really hung up on that – they went to some Kinkos to make that damn poster and they thought it was so fresh that they brought it with them across the country and put it center stage in their convention booth, showcasing it as their most dynamic image. My God – have none of these capitalists ever worked in sales?

  43. bryanD said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:38

    I realize you may have captioned the poster board as “Richard Viguerie”, but in case anyone mistakes the mild old guy pictured for Richard Viguerie, he most assuredly is not!

    Richard Viguerie is short and bald and wirey, with a boulder-like head, and can kick this whole site’s ass!

  44. J— said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:47

    The Women of CPAC: Every one of them was required to have this exact same haircut.

    Call them conk-cons.

  45. J— said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:47

    Check it out, Derek. Pictures. Lots of them! Happy now?

  46. Still Not Auguste said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:47

    God, do you think there’s any way those two are fucking? An explosive, marriage-destroying scandal might be the only thing that would make those two people interesting.

    I’ve actually been thinking that since the beginning of Hot Air. The signs are all there, I says.

  47. gbear said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:50

    You know, the Blues Brothers aren’t such outlandish ambassadors for conservatism if you think of America as the Dixie Square Mall in Chicago.

  48. J— said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:54

    Just so there’s no confusion, that’s conk in this sense:

    the women almost all sport hair that seems flattened with an iron, chasing away any suggestions of ethnicity

    From Pierce’s Chapter 3.

  49. Fozzetti said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:55

    Blues Brothers: One of them is dead and the other got fat! That’s a conservative for you.

  50. Lesley said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:56

    Leonard, before your one-on-one encounters I never quite believed any of these wingnut celebrities (in their own minds) actually existed. The photos are most amusing, a real gift! Keep snappin’.

  51. gbear said,

    February 8, 2008 at 7:02

    Virgin!Ben reminds me of Ted Bundy.

    or a composite of all the guys in the band Fountains of Wayne.
    Except they’re probably not virgins any more. Big difference.

  52. MrSparkle said,

    February 8, 2008 at 7:04

    The Blues Brothers? No! No! No! The conservative kulturkampf will not claim a bad yet hilarious and blues-infused movie with Dan Akroyd and John Belushi without going through my dead body first!

  53. Some Guy said,

    February 8, 2008 at 7:10

    Blues Brothers? Fucking BLUES BROTHERS?! Jesus. Wow. Okay, you know? Whatever. Just because that movie is about delinquent failures who drink heavily, enjoy recreational drugs and womanizing, that doesn’t mean it’s not a good catch phrase. Besides, the poster mentions God!

  54. Lesley said,

    February 8, 2008 at 7:16

    that guy standing next to Malkin looks like he’s about to collapse into a slithering mass on the floor, like some evil boneless jello creature out of the X-files.

  55. OneMan said,

    February 8, 2008 at 7:22

    WTF is the deal with the Nixon head? That’s just scary. If these people dislike McCain, they would’ve hated Nixon.

    His only redeeming feature for the CPACers must be his ratfucking and paranoia. Right up their alley.

  56. Lesley said,

    February 8, 2008 at 7:22

    I don’t know why but the way those flags are draped they remind me of KKK head gear. Maybe it’s the company they’re keeping.

  57. Sinfonian said,

    February 8, 2008 at 7:26

    I feel dirty just having looked at these pictures.

    Pam actually looks pretty good and non-crazy. Kudos, Pam, take care of yourself- perhaps the decays is like a cavity, on the inside.

    Um, no, she doesn’t. What I’m wondering is whether she used Scotch tape to pull her eyebrows back, or whether she went straight for the safety pins.

  58. FlipYrWhig said,

    February 8, 2008 at 7:30

    If Rush makes an appearance, you might want to drop a few OxyContin in his pocket.

    That’s a good candidate for an American version of the British expression “Coals to Newcastle.”

  59. The Collector! said,

    February 8, 2008 at 7:41

    All that matters is that Derrick Brown tipped in a Drew Lavender miss in Saint Louis. I hate to beat Coach Majerus….but, thank you Jesus horses.

  60. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    February 8, 2008 at 7:42

    Sinfonian should know. He’s from America’s Wang™ (my birthplace, he typed proudly).

  61. Greg T. said,

    February 8, 2008 at 7:50

    The Horror-witz! The Horror-witz!

  62. Tim (the other one) said,

    February 8, 2008 at 7:54

    The pictures are awesome. Thank you so much MLP ! Even if you get “popped” tomorrow, it will all have been worth it.

    So when did “Joni Mitchell hair” become a conservative female identifier ?

    K-Lo could be Mama Cass !

  63. Tim (the other one) said,

    February 8, 2008 at 7:56

    Also, who got Cap’n Ed to wear the puffy shirt ?

  64. bob the hog said,

    February 8, 2008 at 8:15

    What’s with all the Starbuck’s drinking going on there?

    It’s latte.

    I hate conservative lattes (floors it)

  65. Zarquon said,

    February 8, 2008 at 8:18

    I have learned that the words “American Milk Solids Council” are a magic key into the mind of man:

    Then you can have your whey with them!

  66. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    February 8, 2008 at 8:43

    “The tradition of moral internationalism — which reaches back to Roosevelt, Kennedy and Reagan — is more necessary than ever. And it is durable enough to survive some serious, early mistakes in Iraq. ”

    One of these things is not like the other, Mr. Faux Christian Gerson.

    P.S. The tradition of whoring for oil companies and raining death, pestilence, and despair on whomever is unfortunate enough to live in the path of the Rumsfeld/Cheney/Exxon/KBR complex?

    FAIL.

    Wave proudly, and take a bow.

    Who Would Jesus Waterboard, Pious Michael?
    ~

  67. ahem said,

    February 8, 2008 at 8:46

    I know that David Horowitz is all over me like a cheap suit, and that a cheap suit is all over him like David Horowitz.

    Five words to send him running away: “Your gaydar is amazing, David.”

  68. bob said,

    February 8, 2008 at 8:52

    Blues Brothers references lost their impact twenty years ago. Fun movie, but…………………………………………………………..

  69. bob the hog said,

    February 8, 2008 at 9:00

    Thanks for sharing.

  70. bob the hog said,

    February 8, 2008 at 9:26

    I said, “Thanks for sharing”, bob.

  71. RandomObserver said,

    February 8, 2008 at 10:07

    Did they really take a Blues Brothers poster, scratch out and overwrite a word to make it their own?

    Conservatives are certainly creative.

  72. RandomObserver said,

    February 8, 2008 at 10:20

    I just finished reading all the entries — great work. Looking forward to more pictures.

    What’s the opposite of a latte liberal? A cappucino conservative?

  73. Blasphemous RINO McCain Supporter™ said,

    February 8, 2008 at 10:21

    whether she used Scotch tape to pull her eyebrows back, or whether she went straight for the safety pin

    Neither. She’s had (botched) surgery. I caught the scar on her hairline in one of her fifty godzillion pictures of herself on her shitty site. Amazing she didn’t have one of her sycophants photoshop it out, but then she thinks she’s goahgeous so it was probably not a priority.
    You’ve got to see the video of that cupid stunt introducing Steyn.

    Kathryn Lopez is a miserable twat, almost as bad as Malkin.

  74. sarah said,

    February 8, 2008 at 10:37

    when i read “kathryn jean lopez is inconsolable,” my mind automatically substituted “timothy mcsweeney.”

  75. Scott said,

    February 8, 2008 at 12:25

    OMG, a photo of Malkin!

    Doesn’t she tend to freak out when non-Bushites take her picture?

  76. Crissa said,

    February 8, 2008 at 12:40

    Twenty four flags?

    What does that represent?

  77. Soj said,

    February 8, 2008 at 12:42

    What cracks me up is the group “Young America‘s Foundation” implying it is the property of or related to “Young America”. Shouldn’t it be Young Americans Foundation or the Foundation of Young Americans?

    Who is this “Young America?” Is it a person? Is it a personification or reincarnation of Franklin and Jefferson-era America? Wingnut grammar creeps me out.

    What’s even creepier is this link on their website DEFENDING a supposed “liberal attack” on military recruiters and calling for help in allowing student to GET recruited. Save the fucking bandwidth and just sign up yourselves, YAFfers! Damn, already…

  78. Soj said,

    February 8, 2008 at 12:43

    Oh and I forgot the creepy coda to the above: the YAF guy organizing the “defend the recruiters right to recruit” is literally named Flagg Youngblood.

    (shivers)

  79. Doug Watts said,

    February 8, 2008 at 13:03

    Virgin Ben, I have your personalized action center right here …

  80. Doug Watts said,

    February 8, 2008 at 13:06

    Pammykins has to stop eating 10,000 bags of carrots a day.

  81. Smut Clyde said,

    February 8, 2008 at 13:06

    the YAF guy organizing the “defend the recruiters right to recruit” is literally named Flagg Youngblood.
    Didn’t he star in Run It Up the Pole III?

  82. Doug Watts said,

    February 8, 2008 at 13:08

    Bryan Preston has a spleen goiter or is trying to smuggle in a blue Hubbard squash.

  83. Doug Watts said,

    February 8, 2008 at 13:09

    Bill Bennett’s got that mischievous “pull my finger” look …

  84. Derek said,

    February 8, 2008 at 13:43

    An improvement. Not sure why you mentioned that minor Sartre work. Scholars prefer his classic “Holla! Wuzzup with the Exit?”

  85. bob the hog said,

    February 8, 2008 at 13:54

    Did they really take a Blues Brothers poster, scratch out and overwrite a word to make it their own?

    Not exactly.

  86. Arky the Blasphemer said,

    February 8, 2008 at 14:13

    Man, seeing the well attended CORE table reminds me why one does NOT mention CORE in front of my older relatives and their friends. I grew up thinking Roy Innis was a cross between Satan and the Thing Under the Bed.

    Spoiler Alert: If by chance you haven’t seen The Blues Brothers, that big bright light in the sky is The SUN and skip this part.

    I cannot think of the movie without recalling of the scene where the two white supremacists know they’re about to die and one turns to the other and says “I’ve always loved you.”

    I didn’t quite get it at the time (thought it was kind of sad) but mom laughed like a maniac if you ever heard my mom laugh, you’d have to laugh too.

    Anyways, it is a perfect analogy for the Kurrent Konservative Korps.

    And speaking of things that need to be dug out of the mothballs, I’m going to take a gallon of hot wax, two yards of waxing strips and some weed killer to help Bun Shapiro with those scalps above his eyes. Who’s with me?

  87. Arky the Blasphemer said,

    February 8, 2008 at 14:21

    the YAF guy organizing the “defend the recruiters right to recruit” is literally named Flagg Youngblood.

    Your attention please. Any similarity between Flagg Youngblood’s name and monikers adopted by porn stars is a complete and total coincidence. Who’s laughing? Are you laughing? Shame on you. It isn’t his fault his parents gave him a name that makes your filthy mind think Young Flagpole. Stop it. Stop it this instant!

    But speaking of recruiters recruiting, I note there seem to be more than a few semi-able bodied folks of the right age group in the crowd. I wonder why they haven’t supported their local recruiter by signing up. Could it be they’re big cowardly hypocrites?

    Nah. They just have other priorities.

  88. Rock Studly said,

    February 8, 2008 at 14:23

    I don’t think there’s anything funny about that name.

  89. Brick Longwood said,

    February 8, 2008 at 14:24

    Neither do I.

  90. M. Onan Batterload said,

    February 8, 2008 at 14:31

    Nor do I.

  91. Harry Tuttle said,

    February 8, 2008 at 14:31

    Mark Steyn: “And demographic research reveals that the most dangerous place in America is between me and a camera.”

    Wasn’t that Bob Dole’s line about Chuck Schumer?

    I kinda miss Bob.

  92. Choad Bangmaster said,

    February 8, 2008 at 14:39

    Batterload, your name is ridiculous.

  93. Philostopher said,

    February 8, 2008 at 14:58

    I can’t help it — every time I see a picture of K-Lo, that old Steve Martin routine plays out in my head. The one with the final line:

    “… and when we walk into the room, every head will turn … except for hers. Because she has no neck!”

    If I believed in hell, that one might just get me a ticket in.

  94. funluvn said,

    February 8, 2008 at 15:02

    Man, I’m glad I didn’t read this last night before bed. At least I got a good nights sleep before those pictures up there ruined my breakfast.
    Oh, well, I could stand to lose a couple pounds.

  95. Blue Buddha said,

    February 8, 2008 at 15:09

    pessullivan said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:38

    What’s with all the Starbuck’s drinking going on there?

    That’s what I’m wondering. Also, Pam is either a small woman or those Starbucks cups are half gallon sized.

  96. Ben Dover said,

    February 8, 2008 at 15:12

    Oh c’mon, Choad… Batterload is a fine family of philanthropists. You never heard of the Batterload Foundation?

  97. Xavier Breath said,

    February 8, 2008 at 15:22

    BEST BLOG EVER!

  98. Jay said,

    February 8, 2008 at 15:28

    I followed the link to WorldNet Daily and found this juxtaposition of befuddlement:

    Why do witches often perform their ceremonies naked? And most of all, why do so many people today aspire to be witches?

    I think it explains itself.

    And this was the funniest and bestest post on the intertubes ever!

  99. anangryoldbroad said,

    February 8, 2008 at 15:30

    Malkin and Preston’s body language pretty much answers the question about their “closeness”,IMO.

    I thought Jesse was some sort of conservative super policy wonk brainiac. Why is it we’ve never seen any pics of him after college? There’s nothing recent that I can find,unless I’ve missed something.

    I’ve travelled around the internets and I can’t find much about him at all really. That’s sort of odd,you’d think if he had actual conservative cred he’d at least have something recent attached to his name.

    I have a theory,purely speculation,call it woman’s intuition if you want to:

    Jesse is very sick emotionally/mentally or physically and the burden of his care is on Michelle(which would explain alot about her overall psychology,in addition to her being a conservative nitwit). Or he left her and the kids awhile ago and she’s trying to keep up the facade to save face.

  100. El Cid said,

    February 8, 2008 at 15:37

    I have been very busy the last couple of days, so I would appreciate all of you doing all this over again for my benefit.

  101. Cangrejero said,

    February 8, 2008 at 15:38

    K. Lo : Romney :: Mel : Flight of the Conchords

  102. Rightwingsnarkle said,

    February 8, 2008 at 15:50

    Some see photos from CPAC and ask, “Why”?

    Others see photos from CPAC and ask, “Why not Photoshop?”

  103. White Male, Jew of Liberal Fascism said,

    February 8, 2008 at 16:02

    Cool shirt, Cap’n Ed.

    Can you talk like a pirate too?

  104. spinkbottle said,

    February 8, 2008 at 16:23

    Best bloggy series EVAH.

  105. Tom said,

    February 8, 2008 at 16:30

    Pam is definitely a FILF

  106. tigrismus said,

    February 8, 2008 at 16:31

    Pam actually looks pretty good and non-crazy. Kudos, Pam, take care of yourself- perhaps the decays is like a cavity, on the inside.

    You haven’t seen the portrait she keeps in the attic room…

    And weren’t the Blues Brothers thieving con-men who felt the end they wanted justified any means because God wanted it, too? And didn’t they end up in prison?

  107. Moonbootica, shh at work said,

    February 8, 2008 at 16:33

    your a very brave man Leonard Pierce, cause those photos are incredibly scary

  108. Moonbootica, shh at work said,

    February 8, 2008 at 16:36

    seems to me this CPAC is just an excuse for the bonkers right wing to push their shitty books

  109. g said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:00

    Incredible work. I look forward to many Photoshops.

  110. g said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:03

    My take on Michelle Malkin and Bryan Preston?

    He adores her. He longs for the day she can be his. Her? She doesn’t know the fire that burns deep in his heart for her.

  111. caliph garrett said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:04

    I see one pic that just SCREAMS for a sammiching…

  112. ortho_bob said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:06

    It’s CPAC 08 haiku time!

    Pleated khakis and
    a venti latte — all the
    hallmarks of a YAF.

  113. pedestrian said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:11

    Will this be an upcoming special on the Discovery Channel?

  114. Rum P. Pumphrey said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:12

    Why do so many Madly Nosers have such stupid names?

  115. Don Drennon said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:15

    OK..who is that with Viguerie? Or not-Viguerie? Anyway, she’s kinda cute…

    Great work.

  116. dBa said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:18

    A pictorial review of the death of conservatism, nice.

  117. g said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:20

    Just curious – they’ve had 7 years of their own in the White House, and 6 years of their own in Congress. And Conservatism is so dead it needs re-birth because….why?

  118. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:24

    Why do so many Madly Nosers have such stupid names?

    Don’t pick on Derek.

  119. Blue Buddha said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:24

    g said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:20

    Just curious – they’ve had 7 years of their own in the White House, and 6 years of their own in Congress. And Conservatism is so dead it needs re-birth because….why?

    ?Because they are sore whiners winners.

  120. Five of Diamonds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:36

    The sexual repression in that room must have been flammable. Good thing you didn’t light a match.

  121. Xenos said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:46

    Jesse is very sick emotionally/mentally or physically and the burden of his care is on Michelle(which would explain alot about her overall psychology,in addition to her being a conservative nitwit). Or he left her and the kids awhile ago and she’s trying to keep up the facade to save face.

    Gav reported something like that a few months ago. I discounted it as I would think it impossible to keep such a thing secret in this day and age.

    There is indeed something odd about Preston’s pose: hips facing mostly forward, right shoulder twisted back to acknowledge and accommodate the Michelle’s presence in a strange manner – like he is a buddy at the shoulder level but ignoring her at the hips… There does seem to be some sort of denial going on there.

  122. NickM said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:48

    Why so many freakin’ flags? Were they afraid that one or two flags might get lonely?

  123. dBa said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:52

    The re-birth at the hands of Shapiro, Pam, Ham, Captain Disco Pirate, Clown Hall, Etc. should be entertaining – although I have no idea what’s left for them to fuck up – or why they want to blame God for it.

  124. Susan of Texas said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:59

    I have a theory,purely speculation,call it woman’s intuition if you want to

    I’ve wondered the same thing. My speculation is that he’s chained up in the basement. And they have no safe word.

  125. LD said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:00

    “g said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:20

    Just curious – they’ve had 7 years of their own in the White House, and 6 years of their own in Congress. And Conservatism is so dead it needs re-birth because….why?”

    I think you answered your own question in the first sentence.

    But I don’t get it. All those conservative bloggers, and no cheetos in sight?
    Are you sure this is not a framed setup?

    As for criticizing people based on looks, I’d remind everyone that we are not exactly Brad Pitts ourselves either.

    Then few questions for mister Pierce:
    Is it possible to get them to fight, if you try asking who they think is the best conservative blogger among them(preferrably so there are many of them around). Pictures of the following “debate” would be good.

    Also, use your pseudo identity and drop some fake tips. Since you trade in Africa,naturally a soldier of a small african counry told you how he saw with his own eyes Iraqi trucks driving away fully loaded from local Uranium mine, etc. See how long it takes for this stuff to start circulate in the blogs.

  126. Blue Buddha said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:00

    NickM said,

    February 8, 2008 at 17:48

    Why so many freakin’ flags? Were they afraid that one or two flags might get lonely?

    I counted two dozen (24) of them. Maybe there was a bulk discount at the local flag shop.

  127. Johnny Coelacanth said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:01

    I’m going to be all looksist and sexist and thinking with my penis-ist here, but Pam is actually an attractive woman. If she was sane, hence on our side… you know what? I’m not even going to finish that sentence.

  128. Blue Buddha said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:02

    LD said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:00

    Also, use your pseudo identity and drop some fake tips. Since you trade in Africa,naturally a soldier of a small african counry told you how he saw with his own eyes Iraqi trucks driving away fully loaded from local Uranium mine, etc. See how long it takes for this stuff to start circulate in the blogs.

    Oooo… I like that idea.

  129. Susan of Texas said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:03

    Also–great Milk Solids Council pic. Little Miss Muffet can be your spokeswoman. (I’m not sure if that site is work safe.)

  130. grendelkhan said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:04

    Kathryn Jean Lopez: “[...] Hey, has anyone got a sandwich?”

    Not cool, dude. Not cool.

  131. Brad Pitt said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:04

    I’d remind everyone that we are not exactly Brad Pitts ourselves either.

    Speak for yourself!

  132. billy pilgrim said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:04

    If Rush Limbaugh is there, you need to slip a few Oxycontin FROM his pocketses….

  133. Blue Buddha said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:07

    billy pilgrim said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:04

    If Rush Limbaugh is there, you need to slip a few Oxycontin FROM his pocketses….

    Yeah, I was going to suggest bonding with Rush over prescription drugs to improve Mr. Pierce’s cover.

  134. g said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:09

    Also, use your pseudo identity and drop some fake tips. Since you trade in Africa,naturally a soldier of a small african counry told you how he saw with his own eyes Iraqi trucks driving away fully loaded from local Uranium mine, etc. See how long it takes for this stuff to start circulate in the blogs.

    Rubs hands together in evil glee!

  135. Blue Buddha said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:11

    Susan of Texas said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:03

    Also–great Milk Solids Council pic. Little Miss Muffet can be your spokeswoman. (I’m not sure if that site is work safe.)

    Why am I not surprised that is from a Halloween costume outlet?

  136. Bradd Pit said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:12

    I’d remind everyone that we are not exactly Brad Pitts ourselves either.

    Oh… well, not exactly

  137. atheist said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:31

    FILF

    Tom:

    A “Fiend I’d Like to Fuck”?

  138. Arky The Blasphemer said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:48

    And Conservatism is so dead it needs re-birth because….why?

    Because before it is re-born it is a womb baby and so anyone who tries to impede its development is a islahomoboritionist and can be shot on sight!!

    About those flags (not Flaggs), anyone want to bet they were made in China?

  139. Michael said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:52

    What was Truman Capote doing the….?…oh, sorry, that was Cap’n Ed.

    My bad.

  140. Candy said,

    February 8, 2008 at 19:13

    FILF?

    I don’t know why, but that reminds me of a band that used to play around these parts in the early 90s. They sucked to the breadth and depth of suckitude, but they had one of the best band names evah: Filthy Wilma

    /OT

  141. Dan Someone said,

    February 8, 2008 at 19:19

    WHY IS THAT WOMAN ORANGE, DAMMIT!?

  142. stryx said,

    February 8, 2008 at 19:19

    Sorry, Arky, but I’ll disagree. This place has a pretty decent lock on American patriotic regalia.

    On the other hand, it’s been know for years that the “American” Milk Solids Council is a front organization for the Chinese dairy industry.

  143. Ex-Blogger said,

    February 8, 2008 at 19:28

    This is some of the greatest, most sublime blogging I’ve ever read. Gonzo journalism at it’s finest, even if it is all a lark.

  144. Jake H. said,

    February 8, 2008 at 19:32

    So many people try to capture the HST style and fail. This, however, made me feel like I was reading something out of the Great White Shark Hunt, but for our new and terrible millenium. You should win a goddamn Pulitzer or something.

  145. Blue Buddha said,

    February 8, 2008 at 19:33

    Dan Someone said,

    February 8, 2008 at 19:19

    WHY IS THAT WOMAN ORANGE, DAMMIT!?

    Fake tan in a bottle, perhaps. It’s big in northern Jersey and Long Island.

  146. Susan of Texas said,

    February 8, 2008 at 19:37

    It’s been a long, rocky road for the American Milk Solids Council. From their humble beginnings as a loose organization created to lobby for the milk by-products industry, they have grown to an organization with international influence. Along the way they have helped write laws protecting honest, patriotic, straight American cows and the men who serve them by serving them, preferably in sterile plastic packages. The scandals in the 1980s would have crushed any other organization, but the American Milk Council has risen above them to take their place in Dairy™ history.

  147. Bill Rutherford, Princeton Admissions said,

    February 8, 2008 at 19:45

    Orange, bronze, cocoa…I’d still fuck the shit out of her.

  148. SomeNYGuy said,

    February 8, 2008 at 19:45

    Tim (the other one) said,

    K-Lo could be Mama Cass !

    Ummmmm …. no. Cass had a heart, a soul, talent, a firm command of the English language, and a sex life.

  149. stryx said,

    February 8, 2008 at 19:50

    What really puts me over the edge is how the American Milk Solids Council is trying to cover this up:

    The sphincter muscles of the yak’s teats are strong and hard squeezing is needed to extract milk. The teats are normally squeezed between the fingers. Especially among Alpine-type yak, some one third of the females are found to have particularly “tense” teats.

  150. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    February 8, 2008 at 19:57

    Tense teats sink ships!

    Hmm. Needs more cowbell. How about:

    Tense teats in topless bar!

  151. ortho_bob said,

    February 8, 2008 at 20:00

    American Milk Solids
    Stay away from me,
    American Milk Solids
    Leonard, let me be
    Don’t come curdling round my door
    I don’t wanna see your byproducts no more
    I got more important lobbyists to bilk
    Than spend my time reconstitutin’ milk
    American Milk Solids, I said stay a whey (geddit?)
    American Milk Solids, listen what I say.

    (Etc, etc for about three hundred verses.)

  152. tb said,

    February 8, 2008 at 20:11

    Behold Bryan Preston, auteur of the sublime “cheerleader” clip, cinematographer who crafted the legendary “Democrat potty-mouth” bit, guy who took 5 minutes away from masturbating furiously over the cheerleader and potty mouth clips to slap “STILL STANDING!” in grunge font over the bombed-out mosque. Is it possible to look more like a douchebag? Did he crawl out from under a pile of spent porn DVDs and pizza boxes 5 minutes before this picture was taken? I mean what the fuck.

  153. protected static said,

    February 8, 2008 at 20:12

    I’m still surprised that no one’s said that it’s my whey or the highway….

  154. Kathleen said,

    February 8, 2008 at 20:36

    sweet Bloggy Jesus.

  155. Principal Blackman said,

    February 8, 2008 at 20:50

    Hey, leave the kid alone. You know he went off the reservation and got uninvited at WND years ago? He had his own blog for awhile where recanted on much of the insanity, but people hounded him until it disappeared.

    Wow, I had no idea about that. I almost feel sorry for the kid. Almost.

    Also: Best. Blog series. Ever.

  156. sagra said,

    February 8, 2008 at 21:37

    Is “YAF” anything like “yiff”? I mean, besides their both being kinda creepy.

  157. Smut Clyde said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:16

    I heard that “Flagg Youngblood” was born František Zden?k Bohumil Janá?ek, but he changed his name after the poor sales of his first DVD*.

    * “The Czech’s in Your Mouth (I won’t come in the mail)”.

  158. Satan said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:25

    Dick Cheney: When I lower my hand, one of you will die.

    DIBS ON NOVAK!

  159. dave said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:28

    get a flash…

  160. Have You Heard the One About the American Torture Dudes? § Unqualified Offerings said,

    February 8, 2008 at 23:02

    [...] has gone all Maxwell Smart and infiltrated the ongoing CPAC convention, and he’s issuing numerous reports. (More than those links, just keep scrolling down.) Thus far, this is the most [...]

  161. BlueSkye said,

    February 9, 2008 at 0:43

    Bryan Preston looks like he ate a poodle for lunch.

  162. duros62 said,

    February 9, 2008 at 5:38

    Dick Cheney: When I lower my hand, one of you will die.

    Alternative caption: Seig….Heil!

  163. duros62 said,

    February 9, 2008 at 5:41

    BTW, Mr. Pierce, but imdb has your namesake as Leonard Pratt. Unless you mean someone else.

  164. Leonard Pierce said,

    February 9, 2008 at 5:44

    Actually, I just meant that his name was also Leonard, but IMDB’s wrong about his name: Private Pyle was named Leonard Lawrence, not Leonard Pratt. (“I don’t like the name Lawrence! Only faggots and sailors are named Lawrence!”)

  165. Art Kelly said,

    February 9, 2008 at 5:45

    Why would anyone assume that a man at the ConservativeHQ.com booth was Richard Viguerie?

    Do you think that anyone at the Americans for Tax Reform booth would be Grover Norquist? Or anyone at the Leadership Institute booth would be Morton Blackwell? Or anyone at any of the 150 booths would always be the head of that particular organization?

    So, instead of guessing wrong on the Internet for the world to see, perhaps the name ConservativeHQ.com might give someone a clue. When you do that, and scroll down a little, there is a picture of Richard Viguerie on the left of the screen at http://www.conservativehq.com/

    Shouldn’t persons who post pictures and captions on the Internet know just a little bit about what they are writing?

    Or is it impossible to know what you are doing and be a liberal at the same time?

  166. Leonard Pierce said,

    February 9, 2008 at 6:00

    Okay, Art, let’s just calm down here. First of all, the guy at the booth was passing out copies of Richard Viguerie’s book, at Richard Viguerie’s booth, at a conference Richard Viguerie was attending, and in fact, there have been plenty of times that the heads of their organizations were manning their booths — in fact, I saw Morton Blackwell at the Leadership Institute booth several times; a number of Town Hall writers were at the Town Hall booth; Niger Innis was (despite my photo above) at the CORE booth a few times; Michelle Bernard was at the IWF booth; and Joseph Farah was constantly at the WorldNet Daily booth. Having seen Viguerie only a few times in photos, I wasn’t entirely sure what he looked like , and frankly, whoever that guy is, I don’t think he looks entirely unlike Richard Vigurerie, so I just assumed it was him.

    If it’s not, fine, I’m sorry, and I apologize for mistaking an innocent man for a total douchebag like Viguerie. My overall point is still valid, though, which is that Viguerie, who undoubtedly approved the image I was mocking, is a dick. The fact that I mistook some other guy for Viguerie is of marginal import, and you’re acting like it’s the fucking Piltdown Man.

  167. Art Kelly said,

    February 9, 2008 at 16:15

    Hey, Leonard, I’d like to recommend that you learn to express yourself without using vulgar words of a sexual and excretory nature, especially in public forums and blogs on the Internet.

    In regard to the ConservativeHQ.com booth at CPAC, you could have introduced yourself and asked the names of the several people at that booth before incorrectly guessing.

    There’s a right way and a wrong way to do everything.

  168. joey big time said,

    February 9, 2008 at 18:01

    Really strange. Hard core conservatives applauding the biggest spending, least conservative big-government Republican ever. Hard core conservatives at CPAC should have been booing Bush and Cheney, if they had sense and guts. Strange days, indeed…..

  169. Duros62 said,

    February 9, 2008 at 19:47

    Actually, I just meant that his name was also Leonard, but IMDB’s wrong about his name:

    Hanx for the clarification. Carry on.

  170. pub said,

    April 2, 2009 at 9:42

    It must suck to win in every government branch and still be bitter angry people. :)

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