I have learned so much at CPAC already, I feel as if I am a new person. Like my namesake in Full Metal Jacket, I am born again hard. I know now that there is no excuse, ever, for not cutting taxes. I know that the easiest way to depress a Republican is to take his Mitt away, but I also know that a lot of liberals are soiling themselves with glee at this allegedly fatal divisiveness in the Big Tent, just as if every last stinking one of these banditos isn’t going to line up and press (R) come Election Day.
I know that Mark Noonan is very short and wears loud mist-green shirts. I know that eleven bucks is too much for a martini, even if it is a very good martini. I know that there is nothing funny about taking drugs, and that I must start listening to Green Day so I can stop listening to Green Day. I know that Kathryn Jean Lopez is inconsolable, and now that I think of it, I know that “Kathryn Jean Lopez is Inconsolable” is a pretty good title for a moody short story. (Or perhaps even a Moody short story.)
I know that Mitt Romney doesn’t like to lose, which is pretty funny considering that he’s a big fat loser. I know that David Horowitz is all over me like a cheap suit, and that a cheap suit is all over him like David Horowitz. I know that you can’t go swimming in a baseball pool. I know that according to WorldNet Daily head nincompoop in charge Joseph Farah, one of the biggest problems facing America today is witches. (No, really.) I have learned that 14-year-old pundit Kyle Williams is probably going to be savagely beaten many times when he reaches the age of majority.
I have learned that if you want to write a serious and important book, it should begin with the word ‘Yo’. (Let us no one forget that the original title of Jean-Paul Sartre’s masterwork was Yo! Being and Nothingness, Or What?.) I have learned that the words “American Milk Solids Council” are a magic key into the mind of man: every time I am speaking to someone and I utter those words, a little light goes out in their eyes and I can ask them anything I want. And I have learned that Iranians are super-scary and can shoot atomic bombs out of their eyeballs.
But mostly I have learned that a picture is worth a thousand words (or, adjusted against current exchange rates, 690 Euro-words or 1,008 Canadian words or “wordies”.) Let’s take a look, shall we?
Dick Cheney: When I lower my hand, one of you will die.
Dick Cheney: Big Brother addresses the Junior Anti-Sex League.
Dick Cheney: See you in Hell, suckers!
Bill Bennett: Five large on 27 black, cowboy. And I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough.
Michelle Malkin and Bryan Preston: they eat your flesh, they drink your blood.
Cap’n Ed: Why won’t anyone sit next to me? Do I smell? Okay, well, besides that, why not?
Niger Innis: In an image that will enrage Brian McLaughlin, CORE draws a huge crowd.
The Women of CPAC: Every one of them was required to have this exact same haircut.
Pamela Oshry: Am I pretty? Make it look like I’m working!
Elaine Chao: In the Bush tradition of a UN rep who hates the UN, a Labor Secretary who hates labor.
The Regency Ballroom: LOOK AT ALL OF OUR FLAGS! TOP THAT, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN’T!
Kathryn Jean Lopez: “And I begged and begged but he still said he was going to quit the race! Hey, has anyone got a sandwich?”
Mary Katherine Ham: All these jokes about John Edwards’ hair and nowhere to go.
At the Washington Times booth: the true spirit of CPAC.
Bob Novak: Do you have something you’d like to share with the rest of the class?
Mark Steyn: “And demographic research reveals that the most dangerous place in America is between me and a camera.”
Town Hall: The World’s Shittiest Website is now a magazine!
Richard Viguerie: There is literally nothing this man cannot ruin.
Ben Shapiro: It’s your world! Blog it! Podcast it! Change it! Do not have sex with it!