Feb
7

The Beast is Red, Chapter 6: She Don’t Like, She Don’t Like, She Don’t Like… McCain




Posted at 23:15 by Mister Leonard Pierce

The John McCain speech viewed from a TV monitor near Blogger’s Row. I fought like hell to get in here: no soldier in a war ever suffered more to gain less. (Hey, if conservatives can compare no-smoking laws to the Holocaust, then I own this.) His introduction (by an Oklahoma congressman whose name I didn’t catch) keeps focusing on the theme of bravery, which, ever since those golden years of oh so many hours ago before Mitt Romney dropped out, has been the primary qualification for being president. So often does he drop the c-word that you’d think terrorists where constantly breaking into the Oval Office and challenging the leader of the free world to a rassling match.

Of course, McCain has a c-word of his own: “conservative”. John’s not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but he’s surely smart enough to realize that he’s among a group who wants a candidate slightly to the right of Father Coughlin. He establishes his conservative creds right away by talking about how the most important freedom of all is the freedom to be born without some vaccum-cleaner-wielding liberal getting all up in your fetusitude. He goes on to say the word “conservative” about eleventy seven billion more times, but honestly, he goes over like a lead balloon encased in a lead safe that has been thrown out of a lead airplane while someone plays Led Zepplein III. There are exactly three times when he gets anything even remotely resembling raucous applause: (1) when he discusses lowering taxes; (2) when he disses Barack Obama; and (3) when he mentions Mitt Romney. He also apologizes constantly, saying that he knows he hasn’t always been perfect and he counts on the cons in attendance to set him straight. He might as well puke on their shoes. To this crowd, any admission of error is an admission of weakness, and every mistake is made by someone else. Blogger’s Row, the saddest concatenation of social misfits this side of Tobacco Road, is in mourning, like the cool kid on the block said he didn’t want to be their best friend even though they let him use their Hot Wheel track. I decide to cheer them up.

“Hi, Pam? Leonard Pierce, American Milk Solids Council.” I cannot possibly describe how much pleasure it brings me to say these words. “Can I get a picture?”

“Oh, sure!” squeaks the doyenne of Long Island anti-jihadism. “Do I look pretty?”

I assure her that she does, which is no more of a lie than my claim that I am a lobbyist for a group that seeks the easing of restrictions on the export of baby formula. In fact, Pam notices that my flash didn’t go off and eagerly suggests that I take another. (Earlier, she was chomping on a sucker – no, not Dan Riehl – and I considered a candid “LONG-TOOTHED LONG LISLAND LOLITA” shot, but I am and always shall be a gentleman.) “So,” she asks, blissfully unaware that she is in the presence of a man who is at least one-half terrorist, “What do you think of McCain?”

I utter a few platitudes, and then begin a sentence with “Democrats are…”

“Stupid!”, says Pam. Hilarity ensues. See, everywhere I go I am an agent of good times and fun.

But the overall consensus is that McCain is a dud. It’s too soon, he’s too dull, the Democrats are too competitive, the campaign season is too long. Even a ticket with The Great Mormon Hope is likely to be doomed unless his name is at the top. No one on Blogger’s Row seems to think that, in the words of Ice Cube, today was a good day. I move along to a lecture featuring the Virgin Ben Shapiro about the next generation of Republican leadership, and despite an overall attempt at forthrightness and penetrating insight (not to mix a metaphor that would get Ben all hot and bothered), everyone better hope that the next generation gets it right, because this one fucked around and let John McCain end up at the top of the ticket.

For now, I’m off to the hotel bar again, to pollute myself the American Way and wait for my mashed-potato-circuit dinner. Now that I know my tolerance for painkillers, we can move on to testing my tolerance for eating while conservatives lecture me. Tomorrow should be interesting, as the outgoing president – who openly despises John McCain – will be making his appearance at CPAC. Will we see a ringing endorsement of the sort McCain gave bush after swallowing a load of his demon seed back in 2000? Or will Bush, who put the “petty” in “petit bourgeois”, twist the knife one more time? See you tomorrow morning, gutter scum…

92 Comments »

  1. funluvn said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:20

    You truly are the man, Mr. Pierce. How is your camera? Pam’s mug break anything?

  2. Hoosier X said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:22

    Schadenfreude tastes like chocolate chip cookies.

  3. Hoosier X said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:23

    Whereas I imagine that der Dolchstoss tastes like Dick Cheney’s cock.

  4. Legalize said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:23

    … “but honestly, [McCain] goes over like a lead balloon encased in a lead safe that has been thrown out of a lead airplane while someone plays Led Zepplein III.”

    Immigrant Song?

  5. Hoosier X said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:26

    Did the Viking Cats swoop in and frighten Bed-Wetter Nation?

  6. Captain Annoying said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:27

    You had me at “American Milk Solids Council.” Just reading that phrase cracks me up.

  7. Hoosier X said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:31

    We should invade the Viking Cats. I hear they are developing nuclear laser-pointer technology. And that can’t be good.

  8. Viking Cat said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:33

    All yur lazers is MIYN!

  9. zenster666 said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:34

    Yeeeowza. I wish I was there just to watch Mr. Leonard Pierce capture the scene one keystroke at a time. Pictures with Atlas Snored? I’m sucked into a black hole of envy.

  10. Doodle Bean said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:35

    Noooooooooooo! Don’t go yet! You must attend some after parties and write about them. You must!!

  11. Typical Republican said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:35

    The fact is, the American Milk Solids Council is a front for the Viking Cats.

    Liberals. Hmf.

  12. Blue Buddha said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:39

    http://users.wolfcrews.com/toys/vikings/

  13. Garth said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:40

    I want a website for the American Milk Solids Council now, replete with defensive verbiage. milksolids.com is available!

  14. Scott said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:40

    Mister Leonard Pierce is a far stronger man than I am. I’m pretty sure I’da been punching various Republican dorks within two minutes of walking in the door. Don’t know how you can resist the temptation…

  15. liberalrob said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:40

    Just keep an eye peeled for Horowitz. You have no backup and there’s no way we could get an extraction team together in time if he starts blowing your cover again.

  16. Snowwy said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:41

    I had this long, cautionary comment hoping for Mr. Pierce’s safety. Then I realised that I had better not give the wingers any ideas.

    Check your six often, MLP!

  17. Hoosier X said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:42

    Oh Noes!

    Forget the Mexico border!

    We need a fence around the coastline to keep out the Viking Cats!!!

    Run for the hills!!!!

  18. Blasphemous RINO McCain Supporter™ said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:42

    Where are the pictures? Come on, Pammycakes’ fans are waiting!

  19. Lou Dobbs said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:42

    Viking Cats are responsible for 90 percent of the leprosy cases in America today.

  20. Susan of Texas said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:43

    The Viking Cats stole my link, probably because I revealed their homosexual agenda.

    http://www.rathergood.com/gaybar/

  21. Typical Republican said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:45

    Mock if you will, liberals. But soon you will up to your necks in anchor kittens seeking citizenship. And the last laugh will be on you.

    Somehow.

    Liberals. Hmf.

  22. dmgroves said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:46

    “Now that I know my tolerance for painkillers, we can move on to testing my tolerance for eating while conservatives lecture me.”

    Never change. Never.

  23. Blasphemous RINO McCain Supporter™ said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:46

    Kittens are serial killers and pedophiles too, I hear.

  24. John McCain said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:48

    I promise there will be a fence on every border and a fetus in every womb.

  25. Legalize said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:49

    For good measure, I will drown my cats in the bathtub this evening – after LOST of course.

  26. dguzman said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:51

    I fear for your soul the longer you stay there.

    But stay there and give us more.

  27. mr yuck said,

    February 7, 2008 at 23:56

    Dear Mr. Pierce:

    Attached is the FDA’s ‘Bad Bug’ list of things you don’t want to have in the foodchain. Crib a few names off this list and, if you get cornered, start talking about how ridiculous it is that some of these items are still being regulated. If you can riff for more than 3 minutes, you’re off the hook.

    http://vm.cfsan.fda.gov/%7Emow/intro.html

  28. PeeJ said,

    February 8, 2008 at 0:02

    I move along to a lecture featuring the Virgin Ben Shapiro about the next generation of Republican leadership

    Ummm? I pray to Jeebus Ben will keep spilling his seed only into a tubesock and thereby singlehandedly ensure there will be NO next generation.

  29. t4toby said,

    February 8, 2008 at 0:03

    Nice call, Yucky.

  30. Doodle Bean said,

    February 8, 2008 at 0:03

    I agree, Yucky! I like “shigella”… sounds like a dance craze from the 1960′s!

  31. Another commie said,

    February 8, 2008 at 0:22

    Dong fang hong
    Tai yang sheng
    Zhongguo qu lie ge MazZedong
    Ta wei renmin mou xing fu
    (hu er hei you)
    Ta shi women da jiu xing

  32. mr yuck said,

    February 8, 2008 at 0:24

    How could I resist posting a government site called ‘The Bad Bug Book?’ Sounds like something Shrub would be reading while another city went down.

  33. Percyprune said,

    February 8, 2008 at 0:25

    Try Gene Hunt’s line on her:

    “You. In leather. ‘Oldin’ that. Gives me the ‘orn.”

  34. Dhalgren said,

    February 8, 2008 at 0:30

    Solids!

  35. Dhalgren said,

    February 8, 2008 at 0:31

    I would think that Max Blumenthal is there, too.

  36. Principal Blackman said,

    February 8, 2008 at 0:38

    Holy crap…Bloggers’ Row at CPAC (“you’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy”) and a picture with Titz on a Blintz? You’re really living the dream, good sir.

  37. Notorious P.A.T. said,

    February 8, 2008 at 0:39

    Viking Cats are responsible for 90 percent of the leprosy cases in America today.

    Haha )

  38. ahem said,

    February 8, 2008 at 0:43

    If you want more milk solids spiel, you absolutely need to talk about how the commie EU ban on bovine growth hormone is just designed to corner the market in infant formula across Africa for the French.

  39. Notorious P.A.T. said,

    February 8, 2008 at 0:44

    By the way, I learned on this website that Mitt was dropping out.

  40. MC Cain said,

    February 8, 2008 at 0:50

    By the way, I learned on this website that Mitt was dropping out.

    Cuz he got SKOOOOOLED.

    Peace out.

  41. John O said,

    February 8, 2008 at 1:07

    No one since Jesus has sacrificed more.

    I applaud your pharmacology-enhanced fortitude.

    I think I may have coughed up some milk-solids on my lost last weekend in Phoenix, so I’m all about your lobby.

    (Just for the record, the FBR Open, the nuttiest stop on the PGA Tour, was the most poondelicious, clamtacular event of my life–imagine boatloads, 168K on Sat. total, of semi-starlets walking around in 50+ degrees in cocktail dresses and heels trying to negotiate steep, wet grassy knolls–by a mile, so much so that it rivals Spring Break as a Place to Go while young and very, very horny.)

    You wouldn’t believe it if you saw it, if you’re old enough. I mean, it was comedy and visual gold.

    Nowhere I’ve ever been smelled more of sex. It was fantastic. It makes me sorry, Mr. Pierce, that you weren’t there to provide us your cogent analysis.

  42. Brian said,

    February 8, 2008 at 1:12

    MLP,

    Today’s work was superb. If you run into Derek again, assure him that even those of us with brows higher than the American median brow height (I measured my brow height again, just to make sure) are enjoying every word of your writing.

    I hope this makes it into book form someday. I’d buy a copy. Even if the book doesn’t come with a tasteful vinyl portfolio sporting the red, white, and blue logo of the American Milk Solids Council.

  43. dangerblond.org » mister leonard: don’t change, babe said,

    February 8, 2008 at 1:13

    [...] She don’t like, she don’t like, she don’t like . . . McCain [...]

  44. gbear said,

    February 8, 2008 at 1:14

    No one since Jesus has sacrificed more.

    John O, I take it you didn’t hear Mitt’s concession speech today. He sacrificed all for the country with NEVER a thought of himself, and it’s for the good of the country, not himself, that he has put his hopes and dreams aside (until a better deal comes along). It was just SO sad.

  45. The Kenosha Kid said,

    February 8, 2008 at 1:16

    Brilliant writing.

    I just want to point out that I snapped a picture of Pammy BEFORE it was cool.

  46. John O said,

    February 8, 2008 at 1:19

    LOL, gbear. You’re right, I only caught the highlights.

    God bless Mitt’s patriotism.

  47. Flying Fox said,

    February 8, 2008 at 1:21

    I too love Milk Solids Council. How did you come up with that one?

  48. justme said,

    February 8, 2008 at 1:41

    Doodle Bean,

    Oh, come on, B. cereus

    MC Cain,

    Don’t you mean old skooled?

  49. Derek said,

    February 8, 2008 at 1:49

    Brian, I almost left a comment that this was the best one yet. Thankfully yet another gratuitous opiate reference at the end stopped me. Parents just don’t understand!

  50. Alicia Morgan said,

    February 8, 2008 at 1:50

    I am so envious. I long to be there by your side, Mr. Price – either as a Mary Kaye’d ‘Christian spouse’ or perhaps a secretary. Milk Solids rule!

  51. gbear said,

    February 8, 2008 at 2:00

    God bless Mitt’s patriotism.

    Yes. And a good patriot always knows when it’s time to protect the brand.

  52. Glenn Reynolds Flanders said,

    February 8, 2008 at 2:05

    Heh. Indeedily doodily!

  53. Glenn Reynolds Quagmire said,

    February 8, 2008 at 2:05

    Heh. Indeed. Giggity.

  54. Alternate Universe Glenn Reynolds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 2:06

    Huh. Indeed.

  55. Vulgar Glenn Reynolds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 2:06

    Heh. Fuckin’ indeed.

  56. Lobotomized Glenn Reynolds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 2:06

    Uh………..indood.

  57. Aunt B said,

    February 8, 2008 at 2:07

    another gratuitous opiate reference

    Is someone posting suggestive pictures of the young Ron Howard again?

  58. Mexican Glenn Reynolds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 2:07

    Heh. Verdaderamente.

  59. Liberal Glenn Reynolds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 2:07

    Heh. Indeed. I’m not a moron.

  60. Glenn Reynolds On Opposite Day said,

    February 8, 2008 at 2:08

    Indeed. Heh.

  61. Rapper Glenn Reynolds said,

    February 8, 2008 at 2:08

    Heh. Indizzle.

  62. Aunt B said,

    February 8, 2008 at 2:10

    Glenn, dear, Come in and I’ll fix you a nice piece of pie.

  63. stryx said,

    February 8, 2008 at 2:27

    I’m not gonna pretend that I’ve read all the comments so excuse me if we’ve covered this, but doesn’t the American Milk Solids Council need a fly logo? Maybe something with an eagle? And udders?

    Gav- your homie needs your help.

  64. Principal Blackman said,

    February 8, 2008 at 2:28

    Out of curiosity, did you manage to attend the book signing by The Dumbest Bloggers Alive, Mark Noonan and Matt Margolis? They’re my favorite wingnuts, so I’m curious to hear how that event went.

  65. Krassen said,

    February 8, 2008 at 2:29

    I was fully expecting Romney to give the usual “outgoing CEO” spiele: “I decided to drop out in order to spend more time with my family…”
    But this “if I stay on, Barack or Hillary may get elected and we are all going to die” reasoning is so much better.

    Another golden nugget: “I believe that a child must have a Father and a Mother, so that’s why we need to ban ghey marriage”??? Now, if the gheys are kidnapping babies from their “Mother and Father Families”, wouldn’t that fall under current laws? What exactly is the proposal here? Is two moms worse than orphanage?

    And what if a Mom is an Iraq widow? Wouldn’t we need an amendement to you know ban the war in Iraq, so that such kids can grow with a mother and a father? So confusing…

  66. Liberal Masochist (BJS) said,

    February 8, 2008 at 2:53

    John O – your description of the FBR works equally well for the Byron Nelson in Dallas. Good Gawd! The fabric to skin ratio is so very low. Who knew PGA events were like this? Maybe only down South…

  67. Vin Scully said,

    February 8, 2008 at 3:16

    The best one yet.

  68. mikey said,

    February 8, 2008 at 3:21

    but doesn’t the American Milk Solids Council need a fly logo?

    Oh, absolutely. Some Milk Solids with a buncha Flies buzzing around.

    What?

    You mean?

    Really?

    Oh, crap.

    Never mind….

    mikey

  69. gbear said,

    February 8, 2008 at 3:35

    I was trying to find a picture from the days when dairies did home delivery and everyone had a milkman (ours was named Smokey). If no one was around when he delivered the milk, he’d just set it outside the back door. This would sometimes lead to the milk freezing. When this happened, it would pop the foil top off the bottle, and a cylinder of frozen milk would rise from the opening. I’ve seen this as a frozen youth, and I know I’ve seen photos too. It would make a great logo for Mr. Pierce’s Milk Solids Council, but I can’t find a #)(&#)%(*@&$ picture.

  70. Hollywood ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    February 8, 2008 at 3:41

    Or will Bush, who put the “petty” in “petit bourgeois”, twist the knife one more time?

    It’s not go with what you know. It’s the ONLY thing the shrub knows.

  71. Arky the Blasphemer said,

    February 8, 2008 at 3:57

    Doubleplus good bonus points for alluding to the Boomtown Rats .

  72. Hollywood ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    February 8, 2008 at 4:01

    Preznit Boosh to the rescue, once again.

  73. Some Guy Named Matt said,

    February 8, 2008 at 4:14

    At the end of this will the cpackers be quoting H.J.S? Such as “So one of those American Milk Solids Council creeps got to you too, huh?”

  74. Smiling Mortician said,

    February 8, 2008 at 4:19

    gbear, do you mean this Smokey? His name was Wint, when he delivered to my family on Dibble Street back in the ’60s. Sadly, his milk in this picture isn’t solid — as far as I know . . .

  75. Rightwingsnarkle said,

    February 8, 2008 at 4:38

    Important Health Alert for Mister Leonard Pierce!!11!

    I should have mentioned this sooner – please be careful about your ingestion of vicodin, percocet, and alcohol. That’s a deadly combination.

    The problem? Acetiminophen aka Tylenol is a component of vicodin (hydromorphone/tylenol) and percocet (oxycodone/tyleonol).

    Acetiminophen is hepatotoxic – it can cause liver failure. When you add alcohol to the mix, you could be asking for trouble.

    I wish I was kidding, but I’m not.

    Acetaminophen is also known as paracetamol and N-acetyl-p-aminophenol (APAP). Acetaminophen is a component of many over-the-counter cold and analgesic medications and prescription combinations, including propoxyphene-acetaminophen (eg, Darvocet) and oxycodone-acetaminophen (eg, Percocet). Hepatotoxicity associated with acetaminophen misuse and overdose is well recognized.

    The maximum daily dose of APAP is 4 g in adults and 90 mg/kg in children. The toxic dose of APAP after a single acute ingestion is 150 mg/kg or approximately 7 g in adults. The at-risk dose may be lower in some susceptible patient populations, such as persons with alcohol abuse, malnourishment, or viral illness with dehydration.

    Source

    Maybe someone else pointed this out in another thread. Please be careful, your liver is your friend.

    Have fun at C-PAC, and please give Pam’s tits a loving squeeze for me.

  76. Dorothy said,

    February 8, 2008 at 5:24

    I bet anchor kitties are cuuuute!

  77. Candy said,

    February 8, 2008 at 6:06

    I bet anchor kitties are cuuuute!

    Yesh! I for one welcome our kitty witty woo fuzzy wuzzy overlords …… prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…………….

  78. Smut Clyde said,

    February 8, 2008 at 9:18

    I’m off to the hotel bar again, to pollute myself the American Way
    That’s only a venial sin, right?

  79. Blasphemous RINO McCain Supporter™ said,

    February 8, 2008 at 10:32

    He sacrificed all for the country with NEVER a thought of himself, and it’s for the good of the country, not himself,

    Of course! Just like his five sons proudly serve their country by fighting in the trenches for Daddy’s (failed, expensive) campaign!

  80. American Street » Blog Archive » Undercover Work said,

    February 8, 2008 at 12:46

    [...] Part 6 [...]

  81. gbear said,

    February 8, 2008 at 18:30

    Smiling Mort, no Dibble street in my neighborhood, so not the same Smokey. I remember him being a nice guy that us kids greeted as if we were puppies (um, but we didn’t lick his face).

  82. gbear said,

    February 8, 2008 at 19:12

    us we. It was ‘us kids’ when I was 6, but us grownups use ‘we’.

  83. sagra said,

    February 8, 2008 at 20:25

    Go milk solids! Only dirty fucking hippies drink boobie juice!

  84. sagra said,

    February 8, 2008 at 20:26

    “Of course! Just like his five sons proudly serve their country by fighting in the trenches for Daddy’s (failed, expensive) campaign!”

    That’s not quite fair. I’m sure they’re all down at the recruiting office right now.

  85. Smut Clyde said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:22

    His name was Wint, when he delivered to my family on Dibble Street back in the ’60s.
    Perhaps you are thinking of Reid Fleming, World’s Toughest Milkman.

  86. celticgirl said,

    February 8, 2008 at 22:53

    Smut Clyde: Maybe it’s Pat Mustard (he of the hairy babies scandal)…

  87. Joe said,

    February 9, 2008 at 7:41

    Thank God for Mitt Romney’s noble self-sacrifice! He is a True American Hero! In fact, it would not be going to far to say that he is the Jesus Christ of the 2008 Republican Campaign! Immerse yourself in His Blood, John McCain! Your sins shall be washed away!

    J.J. Jordan, Chairman, Milk Solids Committee, American Hard & Soft Cheeses Institute

  88. Smut Clyde said,

    February 9, 2008 at 7:50

    Slightly OT, but despite what they say about “washing in the blood of the Lamb”, in my experience it does not leave the dishes particularly clean. In fact my flat-mates at the time became quite toxic about the whole experiment, what with all the bleating and everything.

  89. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 9, 2008 at 7:59

    Slightly OT, but despite what they say about “washing in the blood of the Lamb”, in my experience it does not leave the dishes particularly clean.

    Did you scrub clockwise or counter-clockwise?

  90. Smut Clyde said,

    February 9, 2008 at 8:04

    Clockwise, definitely, what with being in the southern hemisphere.

  91. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 9, 2008 at 8:11

    Clockwise, definitely, what with being in the southern hemisphere.

    I wonder what would happen if you bought a glass clock and then hung it backwards and MADE it go counter-clockwise.

  92. Michaela said,

    March 3, 2008 at 17:34

    Who is Pam. Anybody have a link to her blog?

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