6
In Case We Haven’t Been Absolutely Clear
Jonah Goldberg thinks this guy would fit perfectly into the liberal wing of the Democratic party.
Frenquently[sic] Asked Questions
Q.Why do you want to be President of the United States?
A.Because of my quest to use Fascism as a tool to upgrade the standard-of-living & improve the quality of life for each & every American man, woman & child.
Q.What are some key issues you and your party have?
A.We would like to restructure the American economy, bridging the gap between classes by instituting a form of socialism called Corporate Statism. Take America off of a metallic standard establishing instead a Work Point Standard like Mussolini did in Italy. We also favor abolishing paper money & the creation of a system of electronic credit & debit revolving around Transferable Work Point Cards.It is vital that we revive America’s heavy industry. The United Fascist Union could acheive this objective by replicating what Mussolini & Hussein have already achieved respectively in Italy & Iraq.
Q.If you could get on national TV & speak to everyone in America, how would you explain your agenda to the public?
A.Aside from telling them why they should elect me President of this country, I would tell them why they should NOT reelect my opponent, George W. Bush, as I am opposed to him & his actions everywhere, at all times, in all places simply because he is what he is.
Q.How would you reform the healthcare system in this country?
A.President Bush’s capping lawsuit amounts is not the solution, his caps are only encouraging a decline in medical care. We must determine why medical care is declining to solve the problem. The United Fascist Union has long believed that this country needs a system of socialized medicine.
Q.How would you institute social changes if elected President?
A.I would make utilities public, which would make them more affordable to the public & end the monopolies of utility cos. I would also halt urban sprawl by reviving center cities across America & enacting rules of public conduct that police would rigidly enforce. Lastly, in an attempt to save the American middle-class, the United Fascist Union would revive mercantile stores and attempt to preserve family farms.
Q.If you do not become President in 2008, what do you plan on doing afterwards?
A.Have you ever heard the old saying “try and try again”? There’s always 2012 isn’t there?
VOTE FASCIST!!!! Elect Jack Grimes U.S. President in 2008!!!!!
Is this guy a real candidate for President? Why, yes, he is.
If nothing we have said so far has convinced you that calling Jonah Goldberg a mouth-breathing moron is an insult to mouth-breathing morons everywhere, hopefully this will do it. Also, please use this space to try to decide whom you should laugh harder at – Jonah, or the guy in the Roman horsehair helm, looking like your sullen little brother getting suckered into his youth group’s Christmas production of a passion play.
Yeah, I know the Jonah stuff’s a little stale at this point, but I just can’t help it. Please indulge me – I’m a social studies teacher with a history degree, so Jonah’s arrant idiocy in this field causes me a bit more pain than your average blogger. It’s kind of like – for those of you who are football fans – if, in the wake of the Super Bowl, someone wrote a book about how the 2007 Dolphins are obviously the greatest football team in the history of the universe. It’s like if you’re a foodie, and someone starts telling you about this great steak they got the other night at Applebee’s. It’s like if you’re a cineaste, and your date surprises you with tickets to the latest Rambo movie. Doughbob Loadpants and his very special book just hit me where I live, and the humor in all of it has yet to go stale.
And yes, I know I haven’t been around much lately. It’s testing time here in Florida, and thanks to the wonders of George W. Bush’s No Child Left Behind legislation, I haven’t seen enough sunlight nor enough of my bed lately to make me happy or functional. I’ll surface soon.
Bruce said,
February 6, 2008 at 2:48
It’s a joke numb nuts. His resume includes playing Hitler on Star Trek.
Rightwingsnarkle said,
February 6, 2008 at 2:49
“…suckered into his youth group’s Christmas production of a passion play.”
Teh passion play is an easter thing. Rabbits are essential to the climactic scene.
SomeNYGuy said,
February 6, 2008 at 2:50
He had me at “Sieg Heil!”
Hysterical Woman said,
February 6, 2008 at 2:50
I don’t know where I would place this guy, actually. (Other than a mental institute)
a different brad said,
February 6, 2008 at 2:53
Dear Jillian,
Are your nuts actually numb? I’d be surprised, amazed, and perhaps a tiny bit grossed out.
Love,
adb
Simba B said,
February 6, 2008 at 2:55
Is Bruce a new troll?
I haven’t been around the comments for a while, I’m not caught up on the activities of the many personalities of Gary Ruppert.
sxwarren said,
February 6, 2008 at 2:55
Huh. He has the look of someone who’s just had his red Swingline stapler stolen.
Patkin said,
February 6, 2008 at 2:57
I’m mostly entertained by his thoughts that George W. Bush is still his opponent in 2008. I mean, yes, the Republicans are all Dubya-lite, but seriously man, if you’re going to demand fascism, at least be aware of which people you’re trying to oust.
a different brad said,
February 6, 2008 at 2:58
Oh, and off topic, does anyone know any sooper-radical feminists I could give Chris Matthews to for a house slave after I’ve kidnapped and castrated the fucker?
Twisty, Ilyka, and the like don’t count.
Please, Rachel Maddow, shut Tweety up again.
gbear said,
February 6, 2008 at 2:59
Jillian!!
Can I spend an hour of your day enlightening you as to why Styx is the best rock and roll band EVER!!!!?
Lesley said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:04
Is this how Jonah spends his time? Scouring the intertubes for morons in funny hats proclaiming to be presidential candidates to fulfill his fantasy that liberals are fascists? Jonah’s not just reached the bottom of the barrel, he’s through it.
gbear said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:09
Um, sadly no Lesley. Jonah didn’t link to him.
Righteous Bubba said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:10
Yeah, I know the Jonah stuff’s a little stale at this point,
Never!
Except, um, in stuff I don’t like.
Righteous Bubba said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:14
Sigh. I can’t comment for shit today.
MileHi Hawkeye said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:15
I hope my water doesn’t get any ideas.
Doctorb Science said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:18
Ah, good ol’ Grimey. Whatever happened to that guy, anyway?
Susan of Texas said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:22
Yeah, Jonah never stales. Now he’s calling buildings fascist.
Have I mentioned he’s an idiot?
Batocchio said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:24
It’ll never go stale, and will always need to be mocked. Keep them analogies comin’!
fauxmaxbaer said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:32
The Repubs better hope this guy’s not for real. They can’t afford the votes he might siphon away from them.
mark said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:38
I don’t know if you’ve heard that Jonah is an official Pulitzer Prize Nominee.
Hold the phone, make that a DOUBLE NOMINEE! w00t!
Woodrowfan said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:38
He can be President AND clean under the rim at the same time if you hold him upside down!
random idiot said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:39
Know what? He has got the crest on that helmet the wrong way round.
That poor bloke is a living testament to the failures of the American healthcare system.
W. Kiernan said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:40
YOU TEACH PUBLIC SCHOOL IN FLORIDA!!!???!!!
God bless you and keep you. There are no greater heroes.
luneylegume said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:40
I think this guy needs support . One can see he has his hat on crooked , a sure sign of rigorous contests . The expression being beamed from the temple of his soul is one of durable contemplative perfection . Calling doctor Howard calling doctor Fein …
Jillian said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:41
I don’t just teach public school in Florida.
I teach at an inner city public school in Miami.
And I absolutely love it.
luneylegume said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:44
Dual purpose hats went out of fashion with the introduction of the swiss army to the liberal hordes .
El Cid said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:46
You mean Jack Grimes isn’t the unanimous choice of teh Democrat Party? I thought we had all agreed on that?
zzx said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:48
How much more support can he need when he has the love of a good woman?
(Or at least he did in 2004–that site doesn’t look like it’s been updated since his last run for office.)
SomeNYGuy said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:52
Mr. Grimes’ consort looks like the secret illegitimate love-child of Eva Braun and Snagglepuss.
Smiling Mortician said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:56
Wait. Was that Bruce? You know, Bruce?
Lovely to see you again, Jillian. Keep fighting the good fight in re No Child Left Unscathed . . .
Auguste said,
February 6, 2008 at 3:58
Boy, it’s a good thing I don’t already have a massive crush on you, because this would make it even more oppressive.
Cough.
Notorious P.A.T. said,
February 6, 2008 at 4:00
I know the Jonah stuff’s a little stale at this point
No. It isn’t.
We are a long, looong way from having spent enough time beating that cretin’s book into the ground.
random idiot said,
February 6, 2008 at 4:10
http://www.ufu.gq.nu/id30.htm
Read this speech the poor crazy man gave.. The only thing more baffling and frightening than the content of that speech, is the fact that he presumably found somebody to listen to it.
Trilateral Chairman said,
February 6, 2008 at 4:14
How much more support can he need when he has the love of a good woman?
Those may be the worst two hairpieces I’ve ever seen.
Wow.
random idiot said,
February 6, 2008 at 4:22
Actual quote:
“I want you to know that Nazism is a left-wing ideology and Fascism is a right-wing ideology. Nazism relies on terror to manipulate and control the masses. Terror from the left must be met by terror from the right. Make Fascism your tool of liberty, to liberate our earth mother from the evil blood-sucking Nazi exploiters, to liberate yourselves from the yoke of capitalism, to defend you and your family from the F.E.M.A. goons and to defend our planet from the Grey threat. Form committees, help me enter the next election, elect me president of the United States of America and help me rebuild the Empire of Pagan Rome.”
Sounds like he is in complete agreement with Jonah then!
Trilateral Chairman said,
February 6, 2008 at 4:25
Read this speech the poor crazy man gave.. The only thing more baffling and frightening than the content of that speech, is the fact that he presumably found somebody to listen to it.
Now, come on. He managed to cram the Illuminati, the Hollow-Earth theory, Area 51, FEMA’s dictatorship, Y2K, and *death rays* into a single speech. If that’s not impressive, I don’t know what is.
Lesley said,
February 6, 2008 at 4:31
Um, sadly no Lesley. Jonah didn’t link to him.
oh no, does this mean I have to take my condemnation of Jonah back?
mikey said,
February 6, 2008 at 4:39
Bruce? And Jillian?
My day is complete. I now smile knowingly, and retreat into a bottle of scotch.
My intention is to go to work tomorrow and lose my job.
While it totally sucks to be me, you wouldn’t want to be ANY of my cow orkers tomorrow.
‘Cause if I’m still on the payroll at five pee emm? I’ll count that as failure….
mikey
random idiot said,
February 6, 2008 at 4:46
Relax Mickey… Chill out and make yourself some pancakes. It’s Shrove tuesday!
You Americans get politics.. I get pancakes.
Candy said,
February 6, 2008 at 4:47
Bruce said,
February 6, 2008 at 2:48
Bruce? Bruce? Honey is it really you?
We have all missed you so!
Good to see you too Jillian. I was just thinking you haven’t been around much of late.
AshPlant said,
February 6, 2008 at 4:48
Mikey?
Every time I hear you mention your scotch habit, my heart grins. Being from Scotland myself, I just want to sit down with you and go through all the fine, fine whiskies we have to offer. I’m on them right now in fact (and if we can talk about being ‘on’ heroin or weed we can talk about being ‘on’ whisky). Little bit of Glenfiddich, little bit of Highland Park, little bit of Bowmore.
As for losing your job, anyone who can do that is a hero.
As for Jillian and the rest of you, you have to understand that fascism is the way forward. It’s so liberal!
God i’m drunk.
Sorry.
Kathleen said,
February 6, 2008 at 4:51
good luck Mikey. I’ve had days like that.
Jillian! I just left you a message in the secret thread!
Candy said,
February 6, 2008 at 4:55
I hope things have the outcome you desire tomorrow, mikey.
I’d recommend quitting work and going back to school full time. I can’t begin to express how much happier I am not going to some corporate hell hole every day. ‘Course, I can’t afford good whiskey, or a pot to piss in for that matter, and I’m accumulating student debt, but man do I ever feel better.
mikey said,
February 6, 2008 at 4:55
Thanks, idiot. I totally agree that Pancakes offer a solution.
Now it’s just left to define the problem.
Ashplant, I’m all about the Islay malts, and I’m working on my own “god I’m drunk”. Don’t abandon this thread, we’re gonna get there..
mikey
White Male, Jew of Liberal Fascism said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:00
What liberal wouldn’t vote for a guy with a cool hat like that?
Jack Grimes totally out-Dukakises Dukasis!
mikey said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:02
Candy, I’d love to go to school. But only if I can do something complex and meaningless.
Particle physics. Or Graphic Design….
mikey
random idiot said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:04
I spent a happy couple of hours in the kitchen today getting through a couple of pints of Pancake mixture.
Do em nice and thin so they arn’t doughy in the middle. (Or should I say Jonah-ey) and sprinkle em with lemon juice and sugar.
Doesn’t matter what the problem IS exactly. Declare pre-emptive war on it with booze and pancakes! Did you learn NOTHING from George W?
Candy said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:09
Particle physics would be good, mikey. Just lately my son has become totally enamored of physics.
If I ever won the lottery – a moot point as I don’t play, but – I would spend the rest of my life taking classes just because they interest me. I probably would never earn a degree, but who cares? Wheeeee.
random idiot, pancakes absolutely require gallons of maple syrup. And real butter. My gram used to make a brown sugar syrup to melt the cockles of your heart, as well.
Now I’m hungry for pancakes.
mikey said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:12
*AHEM*
Fuckin Huckabee makes me want to turn in my guns and bite his ankle.
Neither of which are going to happen….
mikey
White Male, Jew of Liberal Fascism said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:17
Mikey, I’m afraid it’s something really serious when you use words like “want to turn in my guns”… you okay, buddy?
random idiot said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:22
Here’s my pancake recipe.
4oz plain flour, 1 egg, 1 egg yolk, 1/2 pint milk. 1 tablespoon melted butter. pinch of salt. Chuck it all in a bowl and beat it, then leave it to settle for a while, then sieve out any lumps.
Then you just bung about 2 tablespoons full into a hot greasy frying pan, roll it round, let it cook till its has a nice brown lacy looking pattern underneath, then flip it and do the other side.
So much nicer than those thick american style pancakes. Tastier than Huckabees leg too il bet. (wonder what that would be like if you chucked it in a popcorn fryer along with some squirrel to garnish?)
Trilateral Chairman said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:23
Mikey:
You have to have the right sort of perspective on the Huck. Take comfort in the fact that he’s driving the Republican Party absolutely batshit crazy by (1) coming home to roost and (2) bumping their favored son, Mitt Romney, into third place–THIRD!–in a bunch of states (Tenn., Missou., Georgia.)
I’d personally go for sausages and booze instead of pancakes and booze, largely because that’s what worked for me today. It’s quite a good match: the booze cuts the grease of the sausages, while the sausages help keep the booze from burning a hole in my stomach.
(Okay, the rationale for the sausages was a little flimsy, but frankly I think that sausages need no excuse.)
mikey said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:36
There is absolutely nothing between us and Sausages, Pancakes AND Booze. And Huckabee, the single batshit craziest right wing loon to get withing spitting distance of the presidency in a whole lotta years.
Huck!
mikey
ploeg said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:37
You’re much sooner going to get a good steak out of Applebee’s than anything that makes sense out of Jonah.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®©? said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:46
Happy Fat Tuesday, people!
random idiot said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:46
I think you have to see Huckabees run as a symptom of the break up of the GOP.
The republican party base has always been a strange mix of redneck jesus freaks (as represented by Hyuckabee) Cold blooded businessmen who never met a tax cut they didn’t like (represented by dear old Mittens) and assorted grumpy old men that enjoy pissing and moaning about whatever facet of the modern world scares them (as represented by Mcain).
Normally, we see candidates that attempt to play to all three of the major wingnut groups. They act pious, they talk tax cuts, they make all the right noises, and all three groups line up behind them.
Now they are splitting apart. Look at the vicious in-fighting in the wingnut world, with all of the usual suspects denouncing one, if not ALL of the candidates. Nobody seems happy with more than one of the choices on offer. Many hate at least one of the candidates as much as we do.
In november, whichever of the three stooges they pick, half of the GOP base is going to stay at home.
Me said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:50
Feh. My support will stay with The Silly Party.
Tarquin Fintimlinbin-whinbimlim-Bus Stop F’Tang F’Tang Ole Biscuit-Barrel……YES WE CAN!
tigrismus said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:53
Happy Fat Tuesday, people!
You’re saying this Tuesday makes my butt look big, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU?
Anne Laurie said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:53
Hang onto yer guns, Mikey, if pHuckabee worms his way into McCain’s VP slot you will need them. If only so I can borrow one to blow somebody’s brains out. Possibly even my own.
But don’t bring them to work tomorrow, because being unemployed is not as much fun when you’re on a psych hold. (Like I need to tell *you* that…)
kc said,
February 6, 2008 at 5:53
…you wouldn’t want to be ANY of my cow orkers tomorrow
[..puzzles..]
cow?
[..puzzles..]
orkers?
Tehanu said,
February 6, 2008 at 6:16
mikey, I just knew you were my soul mate. Bring on the Lagavulin!
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®©? said,
February 6, 2008 at 6:21
I just got home from the Shamrock Club of Columbus Mardi Gras party, is all I’m saying.
Oh crap, I gotta go to my borg tomorrow, too.
*weep*
stringonastick said,
February 6, 2008 at 6:27
I just got back from caucusing; I’ve never done that before and neither had most of who was there (that must mean something, like people are scared to death of another rethuglican administration). For a precinct that I’m told usually sees 2 to 6 people, 99 was a nice turn out. 16 for Hillary, the rest for Obama.
Observations:
(1) Nearly all Hillary supporters looked to me like (fellow) middle aged women who by God, felt this was the chance for revenge against every gender-based discrimination they’d ever suffered in their lives. Most of them expressed approval of the idea that if you elect Hillary, you get Bill as a freebie.
(2) A guy who just got out of the military pointed out that “the very republican military hates Hillary with a passion” and that alone makes her harder to elect than Obama. That comment got the 5 undecideds to get up and go over to the Obama camp.
That is all. Please return to your prior commentary.
Bruce said,
February 6, 2008 at 6:28
Listen, my name is Bruce. I’m not THAT Bruce, whoever the fuck that is. Do I need to use a different name because you people can’t get out of your rut? Get a fucking life and let me be Bruce for God’s sake.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®©? said,
February 6, 2008 at 6:32
Bruce, as long as you’re going to be an obnoxious asshole, no one here cares which one you are. Same shit, different day.
Doc Washboard said,
February 6, 2008 at 15:46
(Flashes Jillian the Super-Secret Social Studies Teacher Handsign.) Comrade!
Schwag of Tulsa said,
February 6, 2008 at 17:29
Applebee’s steak? IT’S BURNED! IT’S BURNED!!!
commie atheist said,
February 6, 2008 at 18:56
The fact that much of the imagery — for want of a better word — of the New Deal, the Soviet Union, Nazi Germany and Fascist Italy was so uniform or commonplace should bolster my case that there was indeed a “fascist moment” in the West.
Indeed, it is central to his point.
Wait, what?
Marion in Savannah said,
February 6, 2008 at 19:14
Oh, holy crap! I thought the picture you put up was you having fun at some poor moron’s expense… (Keep up the good work there, by the way.) Then I went to his site. IT’S THE PICTURE HE HAS OF HIMSELF ON HIS OWN SITE! Oh, Lord help me, I think I sprained something in my brain….
mikey said,
February 6, 2008 at 21:54
Hey, Bruce is back!
Hi Bruce! Thought you were gone forever…
mikey
Hysterical Woman said,
February 6, 2008 at 22:00
On whether the Coit Tower is a shrine to Liberal Fascism, Jonah’s reply:
Well, that doesn’t sound too bad…
Just shut up now, Jonah.
El Cid said,
February 6, 2008 at 22:06
I wonder what he’d think of all the militaristic friezes on Greco-Roman architecture? Fascist? Or Liberal Fascist?
‘Oh an 300 wuz grat muvee wif dem guys in the kayps and bear chess killin the dam Perzuns.’
Righteous Bubba said,
February 6, 2008 at 22:23
I wonder what he’d think of all the militaristic friezes on Greco-Roman architecture?
I wonder what he’d think of the art on the walls of a female grade school teacher with an education degree from Brown or Swarthmore.
Picasso prints: fascist!
Anne Geddes calendar: fascist!
Chris said,
February 7, 2008 at 4:55
What does this have to do with Jonah Goldberg? There seems to be a missing link.
Heather Goldsmith said,
September 10, 2008 at 19:56
Dear Editor;
As we approach yet another solemn anniversary of the 9/11 Hoax let us reflect upon the TRUE nature of the so-called terrorist attacks. The United Fascist Union wants patriotic Americans to remember who staged the September suicide bombing, where profits from the pretext went and, who has suffered the most from the Bush regime’s bogus War on Terror.
It is vital that you fully understand all of the implications of a piece of legislation called “Rex 84”. Also, you have to understand exactly what the defacto government could use it to do to American citizens if another Terror Attack should occur. The United Fascist Union believes the powers that be will fake another 9/11, maybe as an anniversary of the first hoax this year to disrupt the election scheduled for this November. Remember what Thomas Payne said: “the price of freedom is eternal vigilance”.
Mr. J. Grimes
Presidential Candidate
of the United Fascist Union
Heather Goldsmith said,
September 8, 2009 at 21:47
September 6th 2009
Dear Laura:
I am going to have to go somewhere by early 0ctober as winter is upon us by November and, I won’t waste the bus tickets we already bought. It will either be Cleveland or Zanesville, I’ll tell you that. I’m sick of Elkton and if I can’t go back to Canada then I’ll go somewhere I know rather than somewhere new. I don’t want to rent anything, after what I saw Heather’s co-worker Emmy Jo and her child put through this last month and a half with this termination of tenancy business. Cleveland would be better than Zanesville, unless you take Heather and Joanne’s place and drive me around as our research indicates Z-bus now has four routes. As Marta Jenkins drove me around when I lived there I never used the traction bus but, I know it ran little better than Elkton and Zanesville, 0h. has more than twice Elkton’s population.
Yes I am a complete tyrant to live with you should know that. But, you’ll be safe and you’d be happy with me too. I find that since I always know best in all things the people around me had better do what I say or they’ll bring trouble on me as well as themselves. I will not risk me safety and basic security because of the stupidity of others. Why should I conduct myself any different with personal relationships than I do with the officers of the U.F.U.? That’s why I am the way I am, I find that either you take charge and are in control of people and/or events or others are going to run your life for you. Power, fame and wealth are three important things in this reality that guarantee a happy life in this reality. If I move again and buy another property, it will be to control more people.
Kathy Greg seems she wants to relieve me of a THOUSAND DOLLARS, I doubt she’d find an apartment in Toronto if I sent her the money, so going back to Canada with these people is out of the question. The money I spent in Canada could have been better used to fund a move somewhere else in America if I’m never going to find a way to stay there. Pity U.F.U. Canada can’t attract a better crew. A leader is only as good as the people under his command, if I had better people I could have moved to Toronto or Halifax after I lost to that dick lick baby Bush in 2004, instead of wasting my life stinking away in this lousy piss soaked hell hole.
They have decent husbands and friends NOT the scum of the earth. If we could somehow keep the U.F.U. going once we buy a place in 0hio then run it as a business, you’ll meet people like that too. Scum calls to scum like dogs in heat chase after blood. A husband would have to be a DECENT person not a drunken doper like Brandon. There’s a defect in YOUR nature that draws you to this human shit. Remember when we were doing talk shows for the A.R.L.P. and businessmen on flights would offer to buy you drinks and you’d turn them down. I think you have low self esteem and until you can overcome this defect you’re always going to draw social misfits to yourself.
Your Loyal Servant
Mr. J. Grimes
Director & C.E.O.
of the United Fascist Union