[ All that.]
For immediate release:
Sadly, No! Blog, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Groupe SEB LLC, Inc., would like to notify our readers of HTML Mencken’s nomination for the 2008 Nobel Prize in Literature.
Mr. Mencken’s novel, If on a winter’s night a wingnut, has been recognized as a “new and fantastic” contribution to the genre, and is, in the words of Nobel Laureate Gabriel Garcia Marquez, “a hyper-novel, or the novel elevated to the square or cube.” It is also a best-seller on three continents.
Winning the Nobel would be just the latest coup in Mr. Mencken’s illustrious and eclectic career. In 2006, he won the National League Cy Young Award, going 26-4 in leading the St. Louis Cardinals to their eighth straight World Championship. A left-hander featuring a blazing 102mph fastball, Mr. Mencken endeared himself to baseball fans and indeed all decent people worldwide when, during a 13-0 shutout of the San Francisco Giants, his 2-1 pitch to Barry Bonds actually severed the cheating slugger’s right arm at the shoulder, preserving Hank Aaron’s career home run record.
In 2005, Mencken placed second in the controversial Mr. Socialist Universe Pageant, losing by one point to Matthew Yglesias, who was a college classmate with several of the judges. Mr. Mencken is also a musician: his band, Retardo Montalban, has released seven albums — the latest of which, “Retardation Ruling the Nation,” was certified quadruple platinum and made virtually every critic’s “best of” lists for 2007.
Mr. Mencken is also perhaps the world’s most famous blogger, though his publicist has said he plans on quitting the hobby “because [he's] tired of low-traffic types like Markos Moulitsas Zuniga and Duncan Black always begging for links.”
Asked of his plans after accepting the Nobel should he win it, Mr. Mencken replied that he would like to open a chain of restaurants featuring Giant Sammiches, “get more gay abortions,” and spend more time with his live-in companions, wingnut vixens Marie Jon‘ and Amanda Carpenter and identity politics fanatic Ann Bartow, “if [he] can stop Ann from trying to force [him] to go to strip clubs and eat at Hooters all the time.”
While Mr. Mencken is a novelist of genius, he has also written non-fiction. His history of the Russian Revolution is, in the words of Rick Perlstein, “a tour-de-force, the most accurate recounting of the Revolution we’re likely to get, and a huge kick in the balls to that rat bastard Richard Pipes.” Mencken has also written a series of children’s books, The Skeptical Brat’s Guide to American Presidents, each installment of which has won the John Newberry Award.
Mr. Mencken divides his time between Monte Carlo, Manhattan, and a corrugated tin shack in Arkansas.