Feb
1

As True As All That




Posted at 12:57 by HTML Mencken

[ All that.]

For immediate release:

Sadly, No! Blog, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Groupe SEB LLC, Inc., would like to notify our readers of HTML Mencken’s nomination for the 2008 Nobel Prize in Literature.

Mr. Mencken’s novel, If on a winter’s night a wingnut, has been recognized as a “new and fantastic” contribution to the genre, and is, in the words of Nobel Laureate Gabriel Garcia Marquez, “a hyper-novel, or the novel elevated to the square or cube.” It is also a best-seller on three continents.

Winning the Nobel would be just the latest coup in Mr. Mencken’s illustrious and eclectic career. In 2006, he won the National League Cy Young Award, going 26-4 in leading the St. Louis Cardinals to their eighth straight World Championship. A left-hander featuring a blazing 102mph fastball, Mr. Mencken endeared himself to baseball fans and indeed all decent people worldwide when, during a 13-0 shutout of the San Francisco Giants, his 2-1 pitch to Barry Bonds actually severed the cheating slugger’s right arm at the shoulder, preserving Hank Aaron’s career home run record.

In 2005, Mencken placed second in the controversial Mr. Socialist Universe Pageant, losing by one point to Matthew Yglesias, who was a college classmate with several of the judges. Mr. Mencken is also a musician: his band, Retardo Montalban, has released seven albums — the latest of which, “Retardation Ruling the Nation,” was certified quadruple platinum and made virtually every critic’s “best of” lists for 2007.

Mr. Mencken is also perhaps the world’s most famous blogger, though his publicist has said he plans on quitting the hobby “because [he's] tired of low-traffic types like Markos Moulitsas Zuniga and Duncan Black always begging for links.”

Asked of his plans after accepting the Nobel should he win it, Mr. Mencken replied that he would like to open a chain of restaurants featuring Giant Sammiches, “get more gay abortions,” and spend more time with his live-in companions, wingnut vixens Marie Jon‘ and Amanda Carpenter and identity politics fanatic Ann Bartow, “if [he] can stop Ann from trying to force [him] to go to strip clubs and eat at Hooters all the time.”

While Mr. Mencken is a novelist of genius, he has also written non-fiction. His history of the Russian Revolution is, in the words of Rick Perlstein, “a tour-de-force, the most accurate recounting of the Revolution we’re likely to get, and a huge kick in the balls to that rat bastard Richard Pipes.” Mencken has also written a series of children’s books, The Skeptical Brat’s Guide to American Presidents, each installment of which has won the John Newberry Award.

Mr. Mencken divides his time between Monte Carlo, Manhattan, and a corrugated tin shack in Arkansas.

47 Comments »

  1. Thorlac said,

    February 1, 2008 at 13:34

    Bravo! I feel honored just to be able to comment in your thread!

  2. justme said,

    February 1, 2008 at 14:09

    Well, you know how it is for Jonah and pals. If you can’t beg, buy, borrow or steal credibility, just make shit up! What, like it’s going to ruin your reputation?

  3. Arky the Blasphemer said,

    February 1, 2008 at 14:19

    I thought the Pulitzer Prize was for NaziLibroFascists. Or am I getting it confused with the Nobel?

    Anyways: Bwahahaha!

  4. Susan of Texas said,

    February 1, 2008 at 14:44

    That’s quite the feather in your cap!

  5. Incontinentia Buttocks said,

    February 1, 2008 at 14:56

    Would that be the Nobel Peace Prize in Literature?

  6. Leonard Pierce said,

    February 1, 2008 at 14:57

    That Pulitzer will go great on the shelf next to the Oscar you won for directing the Phyllis Schlafly biopic No Country for Old Bats.

  7. owlbear1 said,

    February 1, 2008 at 15:06

    Waitaminute!!

    In the post-game you said that pitch just got away from you!?

  8. MzNicky said,

    February 1, 2008 at 15:32

    I thought the Pulitzer Prize was for NaziLibroFascists. Or am I getting it confused with the Nobel?

    Arky: Couldn’t be the Nobel. After all, Rush was robbed by that cotton-pickin’ LiebroFascistual Gore.

  9. Ann Bartow said,

    February 1, 2008 at 15:53

    …that cotton-pickin’ LiebroFascistual Gore.

    Cotton-pickin’? Really? This type of vile racist turn of phrase in a sentence about some kind of robbery — widely considered to be a “Black” crime — really gets my non-objectifying pro-feminist undergarments in a bunch.

  10. spinkbottle said,

    February 1, 2008 at 15:56

    Perhaps he could follow it up with “The Wingnut in the Trees”?

  11. Legalize said,

    February 1, 2008 at 16:07

    Hmm, some of the alleged “facts” surrounding Mr. Mencken’s career seem a bit inflated to me.

  12. kenga said,

    February 1, 2008 at 16:19

    Legalize, creating our own reality is the new black. Well, it was, not long ago.

  13. dbati said,

    February 1, 2008 at 16:20

    I saw Retardo Montalban play the Garden in ’77 (Led Zeppelin opened for them) and was blown away. This was the during the Disco days (as you youngsters may not remember) and they were dark days indeed. R.M. came along at just the right time; with their blend of Heavy Metal , Tuvan Throat Singing and highly synthesized lamellaphone, they were the panacea for our broken psyche.

    I’d heard the thumb piano player died under mysterious circumstances in the early 80′s while helping Ross Perot rescue some hostages from Iran, but that can not be confirmed nor denied, which is central to my point.

  14. Jake H. said,

    February 1, 2008 at 16:26

    Teeee, so Jonah’s been “nominated” for the Pulitzer in the same sense that we’ve all been “nominated” to win the lottery.

    Why even bother going for something so hard though? I’m sure Chimpy still has a half-full box of Medals of Freedom kicking around in the shed at Crawford. I think he gives them out to pizza delivery guys in lieu of a tip.

  15. Susan of Texas said,

    February 1, 2008 at 16:28

    I just won a Mercedes or a gazIllion dollars, according to a post card I got in the mail. I’m just like Jonah!

  16. Clint said,

    February 1, 2008 at 16:41

    Bah! Until you’re nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize in Medicine, I refuse to be impressed.

  17. Randy Owens said,

    February 1, 2008 at 17:06

    And to think! I knew him way back when he was just a little SGML Mencken! It’s been an honour!

  18. Ben Shapiro said,

    February 1, 2008 at 17:29

    By the way, I’m a dead ringer for George Clooney. When I’m not promoting world peace from my 200 room chateau, I provide life-saving surgery for orphans. Wanna see my etchings?

  19. moondancer said,

    February 1, 2008 at 17:43

    This just in… the writers guild is going to settle the strike right now so they can begin writing hundreds of treatments for the greatest story ever told. Yes the Jonah DP Mencken Goldberg story is the movie all the A-listers are drooling over…Jolie is willing to kill to be the love interest.

  20. Legalize said,

    February 1, 2008 at 17:44

    I was there in 1974 at the first Suicide practices at a loft in New York City. I was doing the organ parts with much patience. I was the first guy playing Daft Punk to the rock kids – at CBGB. Everyone thought it was crazy.

  21. kingubu said,

    February 1, 2008 at 17:58

    R.M. came along at just the right time; with their blend of Heavy Metal , Tuvan Throat Singing and highly synthesized lamellaphone, they were the panacea for our broken psyche.

    Wait, was that Retardo Montalban or Yat Kha?

    (proof that literally every absurdist genre mash-up you might think up for a clever goof has already been done by someone else in earnest)

  22. Pirelli's Purse said,

    February 1, 2008 at 18:03

    Say don’t you have an undefeated record vs. Bobby Fisher AND Boris Spassky? Seriously though, these guys are shameless, greedy attention whores.

  23. pedestrian said,

    February 1, 2008 at 18:12

    Even more impressive, Jonah was the inspiration for Bum #2 in Woodie Guthrie’s “Bragging Song”

    Well, I’m just a lonesome traveler, a great historical bum
    Highly educated through history I have come
    I built the Rock of Ages, it was in the year oh one
    And that’s about the biggest thing that Man has ever done

    Now I built the garden of Eden, it was in the year oh two
    Joined the apple-pickers union and I always paid my dues
    I’m the man that signed the contract to raise the risin’ sun
    And that’s about the biggest thing that Man has ever done

    Now I was strawboss on the pyramids and the tower of Babel too
    I opened up the ocean, let the mighty children through
    I fought a million battles and I never lost a one
    And that’s about the biggest thing that Man has ever done

    Now I fought the revolution that set this country free
    It was me and a couple of Indians that dumped the Boston tea
    I won the battle of Valley Forge and the battle of Bully Run
    And that’s about the biggest thing that Man has ever done

  24. dbati said,

    February 1, 2008 at 18:26

    Wait, was that Retardo Montalban or Yat Kha?

    I’m pretty Sure it was Retardo, but I was all hopped up on Goofballs and Soapers at the time, so I could be wrong.

    Although the 1985 Sub-Saharan Tour really kicked ass. I followed them from Burkina Faso through to Burundi and never felt so alive. Of course, by then, they had changed personnel and were featuring an Irish National (Caoilfhionn O’Brien) on Brazillian Nose Whistle and a diminutive Slav playing a Vietnameese Dinh Goong.

    I think they were the inspiration for the Live Aid concerts, but I could be wrong, which is central to my thesis.

  25. actor212 said,

    February 1, 2008 at 18:28

    Ooooh! Can I submit my blog as a nominee? Who cares if it gets laughed out of the office!

  26. Candy said,

    February 1, 2008 at 18:31

    So what? I’m the Queen of the Universe and I’ve been nominated for the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes. I’ll be going out this afternoon to purchase my tiara and gold sequined off-teh-shoulder gown for my red carpet harch.

    Hey! Stop pulling on my arm! I just got to the dayroom! It can’t be time for meds yet! Why does that damned Jonah always get more computer time than I do? His mom donates to the clinic fund? Oh . . . I see . . . Batshit Wingnut Welfare.

    I’ll take the meds now after all. I need them.

  27. Ed Drone said,

    February 1, 2008 at 18:39

    I was born about ten thousand years ago
    There ain’t nothing in this world that I don’t know
    I saw Peter, Paul and Moses playing Ring Around the Roses
    And I’ll whup the guy who says it isn’t so.

    I saw Satan when he looked the Garden o’er
    I saw Eve and Adam driven from the door
    From behind the bushes peeping, saw the apple they was eating, and
    I swear that I’m the guy what ate the core.

    I taught Samson how to use his mighty hands
    Showed Columbus to this mighty land
    And for Phaoroh’s little kiddies built all the pyramiddies
    And to the Sahara carried all the sand.

    I taught Solomon his little A B Cs
    I was the first one ate Limburger cheese
    And while sailing down the bay with Methuselah one day
    I saved his flowing whiskers from the breeze.

    Queen Elizabeth fell dead in love with me
    We were married in Milwaukee secretly
    But I snuck around and shook her, to go with General Hooker
    To fight mosquiters down in Tennessee.

    The Woody Guthrie song above, and this one, are sometimes sung in alternating verses, usually as a duet. Great fun, and proof that Mencken’s feats* have entered folklore. This, in turn, surely has a great deal to do with HTML’s popularity and sagacity — not to mention looks.

    Ed

    * What is a foot? — A singular feat!

  28. MrWonderful said,

    February 1, 2008 at 18:40

    Not that this takes away one iota of glory from the phenomenon that IS Mencken, but ANYONE CAN NOMINATE ANYONE FOR A PULITZER PRIZE. Including themselves.

    You fill out a form and send it in to the Pulitzer Committee. Maybe it costs eight bucks or some damn thing.

    The wife and I did it for a book we published in 2004. Oh all right. Here:

    http://tinyurl.com/25pnos

  29. Hysterical Woman said,

    February 1, 2008 at 18:42

    How can you have all those gay abortions if you’re living with three women? Unless…

  30. actor212 said,

    February 1, 2008 at 18:43

    MrW,

    That was the point.

  31. Grand Moff Texan said,

    February 1, 2008 at 18:50

    Hey, remember Mike Bilirakis (R-FL) recommending Hammesfahr for a “Nobel Peace Prize in Medicine”?
    .

  32. Arky The Blasphemer said,

    February 1, 2008 at 18:57

    MrWonderful said,

    February 1, 2008 at 18:40

    Not that this takes away one iota of glory from the phenomenon that IS Mencken, but ANYONE CAN NOMINATE ANYONE FOR A PULITZER PRIZE. Including themselves.

    Nuh-uh. You can only submit a writer/reporter’s name. Submission /= Nomination. See MzNicky’s link on the mighty Flush Limpbag.

    And I should know because I AM the PP Selection Committee.

  33. commie atheist said,

    February 1, 2008 at 19:30

    Mr. Mencken, congratulations on your nomination. However, I wanted to point out one thing regarding your “Skeptic’s Guide to American Presidents” series:

    Woodrow Wilson: Worst President with regard to racial matters in the period between Buchanan and Nixon. The original “Bubble Boy” President, though by no fault of his own: had a stroke that debilitated him; wife and staff were de facto Presidents. But he was a terrible, terrible President all on his own. Terrible; the guy you want to go back and murder if you have a time machine.

    According to Jonah Goldberg, however, Wilson was a Liberal Fascist. Therefore, he must by definition have been one of our BEST presidents. I fear this inconsistency may cost you some points with the Nobel committee.

  34. Major Woody said,

    February 1, 2008 at 19:30

    Yeah, but I won’t support HTML Menken because he once killed a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

  35. jimmiraybob said,

    February 1, 2008 at 19:32

    …his 2-1 pitch to Barry Bonds actually severed the cheating slugger’s right arm at the shoulder, preserving Hank Aaron’s career home run record.

    And let me tell ya, a good time was had in St. Looo that night.

  36. dadanarchist said,

    February 1, 2008 at 19:49

    I personally would fear reading an actual copy of “If on a winter’s night a wingnut.”

    My guess would be that if you were to take 10 random chapters from 10 random wingnut books, and put them together in one volume, either a.) it would make more sense than any one wingnut tome by its lonesome; or b.) the concentrated stupid would cause gravitational collapse, leaving a hole in the spacetime continuum.

  37. Doodle Bean said,

    February 1, 2008 at 19:52

    Let me be the 2105th to congratulate you, HTML!

    Congratulations! Onward to Peoria!

  38. Smiling Mortician said,

    February 1, 2008 at 20:11

    My copy of The Cloven Wingtard is all dog-eared, and I’m on pins and needles waiting for the release of Conservacomiche. Congratulations on your well-earned acclaim, H. (Yeah, that’s right, we know each other well enough that I call the great man, simply, H.)

  39. commie atheist said,

    February 1, 2008 at 20:12

    Not that this takes away one iota of glory from the phenomenon that IS Mencken, but ANYONE CAN NOMINATE ANYONE FOR A PULITZER PRIZE. Including themselves.

    Stop being a hater.

  40. dadanarchist said,

    February 1, 2008 at 20:14

    “My copy of The Cloven Wingtard is all dog-eared,”

    A fine book, that. I prefer, though, “The Daffyd in the Trees.”

  41. robert green said,

    February 1, 2008 at 22:36

    congratulations.

    if you ever need to win an oscar, give me a call.

  42. The Frito Pundito said,

    February 1, 2008 at 23:21

    I just want to be reassured that HTML M. is the same modest, unassuming guy he always has been, preferring to roast squirrels in his popcorn popper in AK than lick fondue off of Maria Sharpova’s lips in Monte Carlo. Right? Right??

  43. Kathleen said,

    February 2, 2008 at 0:43

    Mr. Mencken –

    I haven’t had time to read your book yet, what with home schooling my five children and none of the bookstores carrying it, but I wanted to write in and say how amazing your book is, and how brave you are to have written it! The length of time it took you, and the nearly universal mockery you have received only reinforces the fact that your book is intellectual, elitist-exposing, dense, funny, and tells the truth!

  44. Smut Clyde said,

    February 2, 2008 at 0:47

    A fine book, that. I prefer, though, “The Daffyd in the Trees.”
    We shouldn’t forget “The Non-Existent Newt”.

  45. Zarquon said,

    February 2, 2008 at 1:57

    I have proof that HTMLM works were shamelessly plagiarised from his cousin L.A. “Tex” Mencken.

    For shame, sir!

  46. kingubu said,

    February 2, 2008 at 3:55

    L.A. “Tex” Mencken.

    For this pun, you should only be pecked to death by geese.

  47. master of logic said,

    February 4, 2008 at 8:42

    I propose we nominate this post for a Pulitzer. Then we’re Pulitzer nominees too.

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