Jan
20
20
Shorter Pastor Swank
- How many dictators have offered their populace hope? How many times have these despots leveled their citizenry in blood baths? Candidate Obama, your game fiendish is onto by me!
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
77south said,
January 20, 2008 at 16:31
So, candidates should only campaign on messages of doom? Despair in ’08? I hardly think that’s the way to get elected in the US.
As a side note, does Pastor Swank’s syntax remind anyone else of the results of google’s auto translate function?
anangryoldbroad said,
January 20, 2008 at 16:36
Yes because heaven forbid anyone feel hopeful about the future. Why,that’s just teh crazy talk.
You know,I was raised by people like this,who thought humans were evil and deserved every bad thing that happened to them. Punish,punish some more,and just to be sure,heap on some more punishment,with a side order of punishment in a lovely punishment sauce. Evil lurks behind every shrubbery(heh),and you can’t relax for one second because if you do,well,then you’re bound to go over to the dark side. Hope isn’t even allowed as a glimmer in the heart. Fine then. Their definition of the dark side has cookies and other yummy treats,I prefer that.
These people are miserable human beings,incapable of any sort of joy or connection with beauty,joy,pleasure,love,and of course hope. And if they see those things in others it must be destroyed,at any cost.
Jim/The Velvet Blog said,
January 20, 2008 at 16:42
>>… his record shows him enthusiastically supporting recreational homosexual sex. How many practicing homosexuals wish they had not practiced their urges, though Obama votes for them to have full license to sodomize.
Sure, make it sound like dodgeball, and no one will want to do it.
Oh, and I need a license?
D. Sidhe said,
January 20, 2008 at 16:46
You know, I don’t think anybody but actual homosexuals or at least bisexuals *enthusiastically* support recreational homosexual sex. But if there’s someone out there who does, for example with a small stipend, by all means please contact me immediately.
D. Sidhe said,
January 20, 2008 at 16:49
Oh, also, why does Pastor Swank consider the “recreational” qualifier necessary? Is he genuinely under the impression there is *procreative* homosexual sex, or is he merely suggesting that *commercial* homosexual sex is fine by him?
If it’s the former, I am saddened, having gone on record as believing that he wasn’t quite as stupid as he sounds. Hate it when I overestimate these idiots.
Arky - Professional Peace Disturber said,
January 20, 2008 at 17:24
D.S. the “recreational” qualifier is necessary to show that some people enjoy sex and don’t view it as yet another reminder of their various … er … short comings.
Those bastards!
And at least with “commercial” sex, the hooker won’t laugh right in your face.
Invigilator said,
January 20, 2008 at 17:38
Ah you’re all missing the point. It’s the womb babies whose hopes are being betrayed. And we all know that the womb babies are much more important than the rest of the citizenry combined. They’re innocent, see, and the rest of us are guilty, guilty, guilty. Life begins at conception, while original sin is passed on at birth, and that’s why the womb babies take precedence over everything else.
J— said,
January 20, 2008 at 17:42
Hope hope hope.
National Review Online, 1/19/2007.
Jennifer said,
January 20, 2008 at 17:46
If Obama cannot differentiate now between false hope and real hope, the Republic surely cannot tolerate him in the Oval Office.
Obama thinks that by pontificating hope hope hope from his smiling mug shots that voters naively are going to buy into his sweet delivery. Only the gullible. May they be few.
All the more Republicans need to unravel Obama’s hope line until there is no string left. In the months ahead, real thinkers will discover time and again Republicans calling Obama on his junior high speech class deliveries.
Yet his TV commercials continue to display a full-toothed Obama tripping off cliché after cliché — hope hope hope — before adoring countenances.
With that, a logical voting public has the full right to question every word that slithers out of that man’s mouth.
“Worse yet, Obama is a ni…er…HE’S BLACK!!!!!!! ZOMG!!”*
*Really shorter Pastor Swank
Thursday said,
January 20, 2008 at 17:57
Obama = EEEEEEVVVVIIILLLL! BWahahahhaaaa!
Those meddlesome fools! Do they not knowOverlord Obama shall DESTROY THEM!?!?!
Consume more!
Bill said,
January 20, 2008 at 18:00
Rev. Swank’s most erotic column evah. Is he hot for Barack O or what?
Arky - Professional Peace Disturber said,
January 20, 2008 at 18:03
Bingo!
Let’s see. We all know “those people” (black people) are sex maniacs. But because of the nasty librurl fascists Pastor Spank can no longer say “OMG! OBAMA WILL RAPE UR WIMMIN!!” So he talks about the Obama the despot and how much he luvs teh recreational ghey sex (because it’s still safe to say gays are sex maniacs). If all goes well his readers will get the message:
“OMG! OBAMA WILL SEND TEH BIG BLACK GEHY TO RAPE U IN THE ASS!!!”
And given the proclivities of Pastor Spank and his ilk, they’ll all vote for Obama when the time comes. If Obama ever mentions wetsuits or even diving the pundits will spend years scratching their heads over the number of theo/so-cons who contributed to his landslide victory.
Susan of Texas said,
January 20, 2008 at 18:12
…I don’t even want to be reminded of Hope, Arkansas, given our recent White House history there…
Scene: The Lopez apartment in Chelsea, circa 1998.
KATHRYN JEAN LOPEZ flings open the door of her parents’ apartment, stomps to her bedroom, and slams the door shut. A Wham! poster flutters to the floor, George Michael smiling suggestively as he lays on the burber carpet.
Mrs. K-Lo: Sweetie, what’s wrong? Did those mean gays make fun of your weight again? You’re not fat, dear, you’re just big-boned.
K-Lo: (shouting through the door) Leave me alone, Mom! You have no idea what’s going on in the world!
Mrs. K-Lo: Honey, don’t worry. Those darned Democrats won’t be in office forever.
K-Lo: Mother, that is so last week!
K-Lo opens her bedroom door and stalks to the kitchen. She opens the refrigerator, removes several labeled Tupperware containers, and begins to eat. Her mother follows.
K-Lo: You won’t believe what Clinton did, Mom. He had an affair in the White House! He despoiled the entire nation with his filthy (shudders) sexuality. How is a vir–a good girl supposed to get a date when immorality stalks the land like a great big cloud of stalking raindrops?
Mrs. K-Lo: (hesitantly) Dear, you are 22. Perhaps it’s time for you to think of a matchmaker service. I know a very nice lady who finds husbands for a living. She’s Jewish, but I think we can still trust her.
K-Lo: Mom, it’s just too horrible. He gave her something called a bee jay. I asked the kids at the Young Republicans meeting what that was, and they just laughed at me. They won’t be laughing when that little slut gets an abortion!
Mrs. K-Lo: Kathryn Jean, I think it’s time we had a little talk. I should have done this earlier, but your father wanted to preserve your innocence, since it’s his to give away as he sees fit.
K-Lo: (wearily) Mom, I know all about the birds and the bees. The nuns at St. Elizabeth’s The Anorexic told us all about our martial duties. I’m supposed to just close my eyes and think of Jesus. The blonde, blue-eyed one, not the nasty dark one.
Mrs. K-Lo: (mutters) Praise Jesus.
K-Lo. The world will never be the same again. This long national nightmare will never end. Oh Mother, how can a good girl find her prince in a world filled with sin and depravity?
Mrs. K-Lo: Don’t worry, dear. Maybe that nice Jonah Goldberg will ask you out. I hear his mother is looking for a nice girl for for him to settle down with.
K-Lo: He’s gross and he makes farting noises every time I sit down. No, when I marry it’ll be to someone who’ll love and appreciate me for what I am, a pure girl with a lonely heart. Someone like…George Michael.
Blue Buddha said,
January 20, 2008 at 18:12
Hey… that’s what got Reagan elected, and Bush re-elected* in 2004.
* Well, close enough to throw to the vote.
Bastion Booger said,
January 20, 2008 at 18:15
The fact is, Blue Buddah is a faggot.
Arky - Professional Peace Disturber said,
January 20, 2008 at 18:16
Susan of Texas, will you marry me?
Snorghagen said,
January 20, 2008 at 18:24
The twine of falsehood must be pulled until the great stringball of evil unravels so that the adoring countenances.of young innocents are not snared by the words sweetly slithering from the full-toothed mouth of Obama, who has full license to sodomize! Get that thing away from me!
Some Guy said,
January 20, 2008 at 19:18
D. Sidhe said,
January 20, 2008 at 16:46
You know, I don’t think anybody but actual homosexuals or at least bisexuals *enthusiastically* support recreational homosexual sex. But if there’s someone out there who does, for example with a small stipend, by all means please contact me immediately.
As a straight male, I am offended by your blatant and ignorant omission of my steadfast and passionate support for lesbian sex between two (or more!) hot, slightly drunken college co-eds.
Righteous Bubba said,
January 20, 2008 at 19:49
All the more Republicans need to unravel Obama’s hope line until there is no string left.
[Goes cross-eyed, brain crashes]
g said,
January 20, 2008 at 19:56
Jeez, laughing at Swank is like shooting fish in a barrel.
He pretty much phoned this one in. The basic premise – “Obama’s a good speaker, so I’m scared of him.”
There could be alot of things to pick apart Obama about. But pick him apart because he inspires Hope?
Yet his TV commercials continue to display a full-toothed Obama tripping off cliché after cliché — hope hope hope — before adoring countenances.
With that, a logical voting public has the full right to question every word that slithers out of that man’s mouth.
And seeing someone who enthusiastically supports George Bush criticize another politician for using cliches – well, Pastor Swank is too stupid to perceive irony, so we’ll have to do it for him.
protected static said,
January 20, 2008 at 20:40
Hey, shouldn’t Swank know that Hope is a virtue? You know, what with that ‘Pastor’ title preceding his name and all… Or am I getting all tripped up on one of those minor inter-faith thingies, me being an un-Catholic, and Swank being, well, bug-fuck crazy.
Snorghagen said,
January 20, 2008 at 20:47
I think it’s more like sodomizing fish in a barrel, so long as you’re fully licensed to do so.
Thursday said,
January 20, 2008 at 20:51
I support gay marriage if both chicks are hot. So sayeth T-Shirt Hell.
Protected Static -
“Hope” isn’t a virtue, it’s a cliche. Get it straight *snicker* in time for the next meeting.
Uncle Mike said,
January 20, 2008 at 20:53
Yes!! My “Full License To Sodomize” just arrived in the mail!
J— said,
January 20, 2008 at 21:05
Poor Swank is gonna lose it when he hears what Obama said today in Atlanta.
D. Sidhe said,
January 20, 2008 at 21:20
Thursday and Some Guy, I’m just ignoring it since I’m no longer hot. Non-hot chicks need love too, dammit!
I call fascism on your refusal to let fat lesbians marry!
FlipYrWhig said,
January 20, 2008 at 21:26
From J—’s link: Before there was King the icon and his ‘magnificent dream,’ there was King the young preacher and a a people who found themselves suffering under the yolk of oppression,” Obama said.
The yolk of oppression has a lamentable tendency to deflate the nation’s spiritual meringue. Throw off the yolk of oppression and slather yourself in the albumin of freedom!
pedestrian said,
January 20, 2008 at 21:52
Obama thinks that by pontificating hope hope hope from his smiling mug shots that voters naively are going to buy into his sweet delivery.
The only smiling mug shot that I’ve seen lately was Tom Delay’s. But I can see where is confused – when was the last time a black guy got his picture taken while not in police custody? /snark
Paddy Mac said,
January 20, 2008 at 21:55
“With that, a logical voting public has the full right to question every word that slithers out of that man’s mouth.”
Swanky’s got us on this one. No one ever accused words of ‘slithering’ out of G.W. Bush’s mouth. It’s more like a intermittent ice-cube dispenser, but making rocks instead.
pedestrian said,
January 20, 2008 at 21:58
All the more Republicans need to unravel Obama’s hope line until there is no string left.
Oh, I get it! It’s a koan, right?
Arky - Professional Peace Disturber said,
January 20, 2008 at 22:00
I notice the Patsy Spank doesn’t display all of his teeth when he smiles or grimaces or strains to pinch off a loaf or whatevadafug he’s doing in the photo. I suppose he thinks Obama’s “Full Toothed Grin” reveals a taste for Womb Babies.
And, uh, no offense to anyone, but men with AssChin should StFu about buttseks.
pedestrian said,
January 20, 2008 at 22:00
voters naively are going to buy into his sweet delivery.
Oh yeah, I’ll bet the Mrs Swank would like to buy some of that sweet sweet delivery.
Jake H. said,
January 20, 2008 at 22:06
Eeeeee Pastor Swank Pastor Swank Pastor Swank! How I have missed you in this, the Winter of our Doughbobcontent!
All the more Republicans need to unravel Obama’s hope line until there is no string left. In the months ahead, real thinkers will discover time and again Republicans calling Obama on his junior high speech class deliveries.
What the hell does that even mean?
Ahh, nobody does it like the Master. Er, Pastor. I feel so good now.
pedestrian said,
January 20, 2008 at 22:19
I think that the term for this style of writing should be:
Pastorbation.
shaun said,
January 20, 2008 at 23:05
…Republicans need to unravel Obama’s hope line until there is no string left.
The Repubs’ campaign slogan: “Abandon hope all ye who vote for us”
Huck is still secretly hoping for the Rapture though.
Arky - Professional Peace Disturber said,
January 20, 2008 at 23:29
Enthusiastically seconded.
Lesley said,
January 20, 2008 at 23:52
Pastor Stank prefers the fabrications of his Republican overlords.
Fozzetti said,
January 21, 2008 at 0:00
Susan of Texas: My first big laugh of the day! Thank You!
Thursday said,
January 21, 2008 at 0:08
D. Sidhe -
You lie! I’ve seen what you write, love. I seek out your comments one-handed.
Er… Or is that oversharing?
J— said,
January 21, 2008 at 0:10
So a sudden, emphatic exclamation from Swank would be a pastorbatory ejaculation.
Fozzetti said,
January 21, 2008 at 0:35
The twine of hope is wrapped around the spindle of wishes which when pulled, spins the yarn of dreams that Obama then weaves into the cloak of ambition! He then takes the thread of vision to sew the shirt of delusions, pricking his fingers on the needle of uprightness whilst attaching the buttons of liberal dogma (which spelled backward is AmGod!) to the placket of Progressive Fascism, then donning it to become the embodiment of the crazed negro!
(See: Certain things deserve to be read again)
ignobility said,
January 21, 2008 at 2:40
Bu..bu..but, the good pastor’s church is New Hope Church!
tigrismus said,
January 21, 2008 at 3:01
You’re right, guys! The “mug shots” gaffe is not racist, it’s referring to mugs of coffee! Note how he closes the sentence: voters are “going to buy into his sweet delivery…” It’s all so clear now, Swanky likes his presidential candidates like he likes his coffee: hot, black, and with a little sugar.
noen said,
January 21, 2008 at 4:19
You’re going to need a wetsuit for that Pastor. Better make that two wetsuits just in case. And those fish can be sneaky, you wouldn’t want one slipping up where you don’t want him so please kindly insert this dildo first. Oh, and we’ll need to lower you into the barrel of fish nice and slow so let’s get that rope and tie you up nice and tight. What’s that? Tighter? Mmmm kay.
Turd Ferguson said,
January 21, 2008 at 4:27
Not only is Obama pro-recreational-sodomy, he’s also “full-toothed.”
Somewhere in here there’s a joke about Obama being strongly opposed by people without full sets of teeth. If only I knew what it was!
Rich said,
January 21, 2008 at 6:30
wtf. is this guy Yoda?
“Obama, your game fiendish is onto by me!”
D. Sidhe said,
January 21, 2008 at 7:54
Thursday: No, I’m good with that. But if you don’t put a cover on your keyboard, I’m not responsible for sticky keys.
Candiru said,
January 21, 2008 at 12:12
I think it’s more like sodomizing fish in a barrel, so long as you’re fully licensed to do so.
Bring it on, urethra boy.
D. Sidhe said,
January 21, 2008 at 16:07
You really felt that required a Wiki cite? Maybe I just watch the Discovery Channel and direct-to-DVD movies too much, but I hear candiru jokes about five times a month, to the point where I’m going to start writing hate mail to people.
You men are awfully damned insecure about your dicks.
That said, this was probably the only candiru joke I’ve laughed at in three years.
mmm...lemonheads said,
January 21, 2008 at 16:35
Hope not only floats, it slithers!
I’m sending him a Happy Fun Ball.
actor212 said,
January 21, 2008 at 17:43
Jeez, what did you guys expect from a man who’s made a fortune off The Rapture???
dacman said,
January 21, 2008 at 19:41
Pastorbation!! Perfect! I think we should spread that word around the net. It covers most of these right wing parasite clergy. Can anyone say “Huckabee? Someone needs to send it to Olbermann. I can see him having a whole segment on Pastorbation.
bily2001 said,
January 21, 2008 at 20:30
hi, guys, nice discussion, I am Kily. A cute white girl with perfect sexy stature.
I am eager for a good man, All can view my crazy hot photos at multiraciallove.com by searching “Wildrose2008″. No matter who you are and where you come from…
El Cid said,
January 21, 2008 at 20:32
Looks like the “pastorbation” neologism has attracted nearly the correct type of spam. Not sure if it has to specifically involve priests in order to require young boys.
duros62 said,
January 22, 2008 at 5:09
Mit Romney. Fixed.
Maybe I just watch the Discovery Channel and direct-to-DVD movies too much, but I hear candiru jokes about five times a month,
Go Team Venture!
smut clyde said,
January 22, 2008 at 11:44
You men are awfully damned insecure about your dicks.
No, really, my sympathies are on the side of the candiru. It is the underdog in the human-vs.-fish confrontation, after all, exploiting the weakness of a powerful but clumsy adversary. It may not be identical to an X-wing fighter bustin’ a cap down the ventilation shaft of the Death Star, but any differences, central, point, etc.
Hysterical Woman said,
January 23, 2008 at 0:36
Women also have urethas, d. sidhe. I wouldn’t consider candirus a joke. Ouch.
BigRedDog said,
January 24, 2008 at 3:38
I know truth is stranger than fiction and irony is dead — but is Pastor Swank real? Could it be satire? Who writes like that? Has anyone been to his church?
Dr Zen said,
January 24, 2008 at 3:56
Fucking Obama, that dirty sexpeddling negro. I’ll bet his next move is to get recreational sodomy into the Olympics. Will these blacks never stop spoiling our sports? It didn’t end at Janet Jackson, you know.
Nimrod Gently said,
October 18, 2008 at 13:39
Backward ran sentences until reeled the mind.