Jan
8
8
Somewhat Shorter Daniel “Crack” Pipes
Above: Applauded Pantload’s quoting of “the historian [sic]
Richard Pipes” without disclosing that Dick’s his Daddy.
- Whoa, Jonah Goldberg is, like, a total genius. He proves that all ideologies except conservatism are fruits of a poison tree. Best of all, as a rhetorical tool his thesis is a win-win scenario all the way, baby: At worst, ‘fascism’ loses all its power as a term of opprobrium; at best, we get to smear as commies and fascists all those cruel liberals who torture us for our sensible and blameless McCarthyism.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
Bonus Crack Pipes’ huffing and puffing, in RE: Obama = Muslim. New fumey formula: If you ever set foot in a mosque as a child, you’re a Muslim.
Patkin said,
January 8, 2008 at 10:08
If you’ve ever set foot in a park, you are an environmentalist.
If you’ve ever set foot in a Russian restaurant, you are a Soviet.
If you’ve ever set foot in a men’s bathroom, you like men.
These are more facts pulled directly from an ass.
Mandos said,
January 8, 2008 at 10:08
C’mon. Pipes is so 90s.
kingubu said,
January 8, 2008 at 10:16
Heh. Trying to get a ‘Shorter’ from HTML Mencken that is actually shorter is a bit like trying to wring a taut little haiku out of Cervantes.
HTML Mencken said,
January 8, 2008 at 10:19
Aww, c’mon. I’ve done a billion of them, and they have been legit ’shorters’. But I’ve been silent about Pantload’s book until now, and Pipes’ post was a great opportunity to show why teh wingnuts love it.
Moonbat Rising said,
January 8, 2008 at 10:19
Heh. With those brows, Pipes looks like Ming the Merciless, circa the 70’s Flash Gordon flick (featured a pretty decent Queen soundtrack - if you’re into such things). Course, Ming was bald. Hot daughter tho’….
the_millionaire_lebowski said,
January 8, 2008 at 10:24
All of them really do have the Wingnut Face Mullet.
We (liberals, or otherwise level-headed people) need a facial hair style to call our own. Is the Goatee too trite?
kingubu said,
January 8, 2008 at 10:32
Just razzing you, Mencken; though I admit that I like your long form posts mo’ bettah.
sanitas said,
January 8, 2008 at 10:32
Is the Goatee too trite?
I’d suggest the flava-sava, but Reed Heustis, Jr. has already defiled it.
Patkin said,
January 8, 2008 at 10:43
lebowski:
I think we should all rock out the (Karl) Marxist beard, but I understand if some people might be against that much facial hair. If that doesn’t work, the (Groucho) Marxist mustache might do well for us, particularly for Sadly, Novians.
a different brad said,
January 8, 2008 at 10:48
One of the hardest things about being a lefty, to me, is knowing that hatred is such an awful thing that I can’t indulge in it even by wishing we could sell Pipes and the Kristols and the malkin thing and Bill-o and Rush and etc to gay Muslim commies who will gay rape them until they’re old and their pelvis shatters during the rape, leading to a jagged edge puncturing a lung and death.
I don’t believe Christ existed, am a Nietzschean, and I’m still a better Xistian and more moral than these fucks. Oy.
Jillian said,
January 8, 2008 at 12:27
Richard Pipes is a prototypical wingnut of the old school. He’s a Russian historian whose work I have had the immense amusement of having read once or twice. He’s actually not a half bad Russian historian when it comes to dealing with any aspect of Russian history other than the October Revolution - at that point, he becomes (like any good wingnut) gibberingly insane.
Pipes Sr., for instance, takes quite seriously the old canard about Lenin having been acting under orders from the German government when he went back to Russia after the collapse of the tsar’s government. Among Russian historians, this particular story is the equivalent of, say, the stories about how Barack Hussein Obama’s education in a madrassa proves he’s a Muslim plant here to destroy America.
Pipes Jr. is carrying on his family’s tradition of being embarrassingly wrong about nearly everything.
Ralph Dosser said,
January 8, 2008 at 13:03
The pantload’s book is “brilliant, profound, and original.”
And I am Marie of Roumania.
El Cid said,
January 8, 2008 at 13:13
Shorter Crack Pipes:
Real fascism was totally awesome — I can quote it all to you by heart — but everything we have now is like some watered down liberal version and it totally sucks.
pablo said,
January 8, 2008 at 13:26
Pipes, Goldberg! Will the last one out please chain the gates of the asylum!?!
Snorghagen said,
January 8, 2008 at 13:59
Good old Richard Pipes. The man is way too driven by his conservative ideology, and has a need to prove that in early 20th century Russia everyone left of center was always up to no good. Always.
He’s okay as a dependable source of dates and such, at least so far as I know. That’s faint praise, but it’s more than I’d be willing to say about son Daniel.
Worst. President. Ever. said,
January 8, 2008 at 14:34
Goldberg’s extraordinary book provides conservatives with the tools to reply to their liberal tormentors and eventually go on the offensive.
But conservatives are already tools, and they’re already offensive…
El Cid said,
January 8, 2008 at 14:38
“Bush has done more to undermine the Constitution than perhaps any President in history.”
“Nuh uh, ’cause, you’re the fascist.”
El Cid said,
January 8, 2008 at 14:41
Uh oh. America must be in real trouble, because I have stepped foot in, nay, lingered in, Alhambra. That must imply I’m about to rule the whole territory for the Moors, all just to lose it again.
Arky - Professional Peace Disturber said,
January 8, 2008 at 15:15
S/W/M ISO Nubile virgins to ravish and then feed to my pet chimeras.
kiki said,
January 8, 2008 at 15:30
a different brad -
I don’t believe Christ existed, am a Nietzschean, and I’m still a better Xistian and more moral than these fucks. Oy.
I’m sure you meant to say Xtian, as in ‘Christian’, but what you’ve come up with reads more like ‘existian’.
I like it. It sounds like an existentialist who’s maybe not quite so depressed about the whole ‘existing’ thing. I may well be an existian.
El Cid said,
January 8, 2008 at 15:33
I thought the Nietzscheans had them bony arms.
kiki said,
January 8, 2008 at 15:38
And, on reading the ’shorter’ post, did anyone else hear Raineir Wolfcastle saying “Am under attack by CommieNazis!” and see that little hammer-and-sickle-and-swastika logo?
I think they will actually be calling leftists CommieNazis without a trace of irony by the end of the year.
Lesly said,
January 8, 2008 at 15:51
But I like his ultra-arch eyebrows…
Legalize said,
January 8, 2008 at 16:05
Dear Greater Wingnuttia:
I stepped foot in a Temple one time. Does that make me Jewish? And if it does make me Jewish, may I now please criticize Israeli policies.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
dBa said,
January 8, 2008 at 16:16
Neoconservatism is dying horribly embarrassing death. It’s really fun to watch.
Bullsmith said,
January 8, 2008 at 16:48
So in the comments, I see that real conservatives are in fact the only real liberals too. It’s all logically consistent. Anyone who calls themselves a liberal is actually a communist and a fascist (making the anti-communism of fascists nothing more than jealousy or perhaps self-loathing). Meanwhile only those who claim to be conservatives can legitimately claim the mantle of being liberals.
This liberal/facist conceit is like a perfectly sealed crystal ball filled with poo.
The Kenosha Kid said,
January 8, 2008 at 16:49
New fumey formula: If you ever set foot in a mosque as a child, you’re a Muslim.
If you find yourself praying five times a day… then you just might be a Muslim.
- Jeff bin Foxworthy
Wes F. in Cincinnati said,
January 8, 2008 at 17:14
I went to a concert at a Hillel Center once. I guess that makes me both Jewish and a member of a string quartet.
And all this time I thought I was a liberal Christianish trombonist.
WF
histrogeek said,
January 8, 2008 at 17:17
St. Ignatius of Loyola must be so pissed that Allah figured out how to infuse worship places with brainwashing rays (or whatever the delivery system is). The Jesuits needed to get their hands on kids (no dirty thoughts now) by the time they were five in order to get that success. AND they had to friggin’ teach the little snots.
Those Muslims are scary folks.
LFC said,
January 8, 2008 at 17:24
Mandos said, C’mon. Pipes is so 90s.
Pipes is one of Rudy Giuliani’s “stellar” crew of foreign policy advisors that include Norman Podhoretz. (NOTE: I mean “stellar” as “residing in outer space”.)
LFC said,
January 8, 2008 at 17:27
New fumey formula: If you ever set foot in a mosque as a child, you’re a Muslim.
Does that mean you can’t trust people who are “born again”, since they must have experimented with being born just once?
MzNicky said,
January 8, 2008 at 17:34
Neoconservatism is dying [a] horribly embarrassing death.
I wish.
Where the hell do these people come from? I’m just glad so many of them congregate over at Clown Hall. Makes it a one-stop easy-to-avoid location.
Chuckles said,
January 8, 2008 at 17:53
I guess I’m like an uber-Muslim now because I set foot in the Blue Mosque on more than one occasion as a child.
LFC said,
January 8, 2008 at 18:00
I like Indian food. Have I been a Hindu for years and just didn’t realize it?
MzNicky said,
January 8, 2008 at 18:13
LFC: Or perhaps Buddhist.
Dorothy said,
January 8, 2008 at 18:21
New fumey formula: If you ever set foot in a mosque as a child, you’re a Muslim.
Ooh! Ooh! I’ve set foot in a Choctaw Casino! I’m now a member of the tribe and can apply for tons of financial aid.
Even better, I’ve been to Alaska (twice, even), so the government now owes me 8 years of Alyeska pipeline dividends!
FlipYrWhig said,
January 8, 2008 at 18:21
their liberal tormentors
When you think “torture” these days, the first thing to come to mind is how liberals treat conservatives. Good thing no one has been defending or downplaying torture, so the point has maximum rhetorical effect.
SamFromUtah said,
January 8, 2008 at 18:38
Meanwhile only those who claim to be conservatives can legitimately claim the mantle of being liberals.
Pretty twisty. Is anyone else reminded of the story of the Star-Bellied Sneetches?
handy said,
January 8, 2008 at 18:39
When you think “torture” these days, the first thing to come to mind is how liberals treat conservatives. Good thing no one has been defending or downplaying torture, so the point has maximum rhetorical effect.
But see, it’s only torture if it’s a librul saying naughty words to conservatives and calling them names. Things libruls call torture is just really recreational activities. Waterboarding, for example, is just another word for snorkeling. See, it ain’t the terrasts that are being tortured, friends. They are living the lap of luxury thanks to our Dear Leader and brave interrogators (spoiled brats!). It’s moonbat websites like Sadly No calling people “Doughy” and “Pantload.”
Wake up America! The liberal fascist is all around you, lurking in your inbox and your browser cache.
Mandos said,
January 8, 2008 at 19:00
I like Indian food. Have I been a Hindu for years and just didn’t realize it?
It’s worse. If you’ve been eating non-veg Indian food, you might actually be a Muslim!
Ruthie said,
January 8, 2008 at 19:29
I’m Jewish, I grew up in a neighborhood with a fairly healthy Lebanese population, I’ve been to several services at mosques, and I’ve explained the law behind ketubot and mahr-iddah, Jewish and Muslim marriage contracts, in law school. Guess I should expect a visit from Mossad!
Phil Moskowitz, Lovable Rogue said,
January 8, 2008 at 19:29
“Goldberg’s extraordinary book provides conservatives with the tools to reply to their liberal tormentors and eventually go on the offensive.”
Why do conservatives need a book to provide them with tools to argue? I always thought that a brain was the only tool you needed to argue properly. Oh, never mind.
Snorghagen said,
January 8, 2008 at 19:31
Hey, wait a minute. I just remembered that I was taken on a tour of the White House when I was a kid. I am the President of the United States of America! Martial law!! Martial law!!
LFC said,
January 8, 2008 at 19:34
As long as we’re talking about right-wingnuts, here’s a post about Bill O’Reilly defending his shoving an Obama staffer in order to “uphold the Constitution.”
I s**t thee not.
Grand Moff Texan said,
January 8, 2008 at 19:37
Are they still trying to claim that Hitler was a vegetarian?
Morons.
.
MileHi Hawkeye said,
January 8, 2008 at 19:45
Could someone help me out and tell me what is acceptable facial hair for a liberal fascist? ‘Cause I’m real confused about that…
Is my beard really a wingnut-mullet? What about in the summer when I have a goatee?
Or must I only wear the 80’s pron star mustache?
tigrismus said,
January 8, 2008 at 19:50
I’ve been in a graveyard… WoooOOOoooOOOoooo!
Bob Dylan said,
January 8, 2008 at 19:51
Hey, I set foot in the Alhambra this summer, but for some reason it turned me into Bob Dylan. Crazy stuff, that.
Also, Daniel Pipes is like some kind of Voltron, except instead of lions, he’s made out of five Hitlers. So THERE.
MzNicky said,
January 8, 2008 at 20:06
LFC: God in heaven. If BO was anymore of a gasbag he’d be Ron Paul’s dirigible.
Greater Wingnuttia said,
January 8, 2008 at 20:07
I stepped foot in a Temple one time. Does that make me Jewish? And if it does make me Jewish, may I now please criticize Israeli policies.
That depends. Do you loathe yourself?
Percyprune said,
January 8, 2008 at 20:11
Strangely enough, they do. They call themselves ‘classical liberals’.
Principal Blackman said,
January 8, 2008 at 20:31
The shawarma I ate the other day proves that I am an IslamoCommieNazi sleeper agent. Please don’t tell anybody, though.
Worst. President. Ever. said,
January 8, 2008 at 20:34
Aha!
Now I understand these mysterious bloodstains on my underwear every month…
One time, I accidentally went into the women’s washroom.
misterniceguy1960 said,
January 8, 2008 at 20:50
Thing is, “conservative” is a verb, not a noun. You can be a conservative Catholic or a conservative architect or a conservative Communist, but you can’t just be “a conservative”.
American conservatives are conservative liberals, as opposed to us progressive liberals.
We liberals should really stop fighting amongst ourselves and concentrate on our real enemies, the neocons (i.e., fascists).
Smut Clyde said,
January 8, 2008 at 22:25
I like Indian food. Have I been a Hindu for years and just didn’t realize it?
Yes, but in a previous incarnation.
SamFromUtah said,
January 9, 2008 at 2:45
Thing is, “conservative” is a verb, not a noun.
I conservatived in public once. It’s the only felony I’ve ever committed.
BlueHerald 2.0 - News You Can Abuse! said,
January 25, 2008 at 11:23
[...] of Daniel Pipes, whose discovery was hailed by many right-wing bloggers. Let me turn it over to Sadly, No!, who in turn linked Dum Pendebat Filius‘ debunk, and let’s throw in Media [...]
Sadly, No! » The Thing That Should Not Be said,
January 28, 2008 at 9:22
[...] published and has garnered the wingnut movement’s endorsement. Emerson hits on larger motive; Daniel Pipes confirms it. On the one pudgy hand, Pantload’s book — dishonestly and preposterously, [...]