2
Now Why Didn’t I Think of That?
(The facial hair is real. No image manipu-
lation program was used or harmed in the
posting of this picture.)
Noted workmen’s compensation defense attorney, renowned scholar of Constitutional Law, and frequent contributor at Renew America, Reed Heustis, Jr., has once and for all answered that pesky question about the separation of church and state. His solution is as striking as his half-face-mullet and will, like the half-face-mullet, be admired by men and women alike.
So, without further ado, let’s hear from Reed:
Most students of Constitutional Law are taught the principle that the United States Constitution is the “supreme Law of the Land.” Indeed Article VI of the United States Constitution unequivocally proclaims this precept … Unfortunately these same students are never taught that there exists one sovereign power that reigns supreme, even over the Constitution: King Jesus Christ.
My Con Law professor was Jewish, so that probably explains why he never got around to telling us that.
Inevitably students will retort, “It is logically impossible for the Constitution to be the supreme law of the land if there exists yet another supreme law of the land.”
Well, I was going to make that same retort, but — not to worry — Reed has a snappy reply to all those secular smartasses:
Such an observation would be logically correct — unless, that is, the Constitution incorporated the higher law by reference.
Okay, now watch very, very carefully as Reed shows you how the Constitution incorporates Jesus by reference:
In Article VII of the Constitution, the deputies of the Constitutional Convention incorporate by reference … the Lord Jesus Christ:
done in Convention by the Unanimous Consent of the States present the Seventeenth Day of September in the Year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and Eighty seven …. In witness whereof We have hereunto subscribed our Names, …
The year 1787 … was when the Constitution was adopted. … However, more importantly, the same year also marked the one thousand seven hundred eighty-seventh year of our Lord Jesus Christ, whom the Bible dubs, “the Lord of lords and King of kings.”
And there you have it — the First Amendment, the religious test clause, and hundreds of years of jurisdprudence swept away by a single reference to a date. I would feel sorry for Reed’s clients except they appear to be employers fighting workmen’s compensation claims, meaning that many ordinary workers have no doubt received larger awards than they otherwise would have. So even this cloud of stupid has a silver lining.
UPDATE: For those who wish to explore in greater depth the unique wisdom and jurisprudence of Mr. Heustis, or who wish to verify that his half-face-mullet is real, you can visit his website The Christian Constitutionalist. I am particularly enamored of his column posted there on why teh gays are going to hell unless they burn the rainbow flag.
norbizness said,
January 2, 2008 at 22:42
“I bought it at an Anton Levey Estate auction and now it seems to be eating my face!”
CatStaff said,
January 2, 2008 at 22:43
I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to insist on some warning next time if you’re going to lead off a story with a picture of such irredeemable beady-eyed, pencil-necked dipshitedness.
There are limits, and sharply defined ones at that.
mikey said,
January 2, 2008 at 22:43
Well, shit.
Guess there’s no getting around it.
He’s really got us this time…
mikey
Fozzetti said,
January 2, 2008 at 22:46
I wonder if he stuffs cotton in his ears, like Odysseus?
Doofus said,
January 2, 2008 at 22:51
There’s no fucking way that squirrel taped to his chin is legit. If you didnt photoshop that, someone else has. I mean, it’s long enough to warrant it’s own shampoo and a brush.
El Cid said,
January 2, 2008 at 22:52
Okay, so where does the Masonic treasure map with the secret devil worshiping symbol come in?
dan b said,
January 2, 2008 at 22:52
This is gonna make my clerking job so much easier. When a case comes up on appeal, I’ll just write, in my recommendation to the judges, that they just do what Jesus would do. It’ll take care of the backlog in our dang court system. Thanks, Beardy McJesus, Esq.!
DragonScholar said,
January 2, 2008 at 22:53
“My Con Law professor was Jewish, so that probably explains why he never got around to telling us that.”
That gave me the biggest laugh of the day. Thanks.
dan b said,
January 2, 2008 at 22:55
And my Con Law professor is teh gay, so that explains why I never learned this!
Legalize said,
January 2, 2008 at 22:57
My Con Law professor was also Jewish, as was, well, my contracts professor. I wonder if anyone would point out to the he of the distinguished half-face-mullet, that his “incorporation by reference” “argument” isn’t a constitutional argument, but rather a contract argument. I wonder also if anyone has ever explained to him the strict principles behind the doctrine of incorporation by reference, i.e. that one has to be fucking explicit as to the documents one is allegedly incorporating into whatever agreement. You know, something more than referencing the date.
‘Cause like, it was like customary and shit for documents to be dated with “in the year of our lord” back in the old-timey days. Deeds were dated as such. Contracts for the sale of goods were dated as such. Etc. Such did not incorporate some other governing power as the superseding authority over the interpretation of the deed or the contract. I’d be pretty upset if I found out that teh Jebus controlled the terms of my lease agreement, rather than the landlord-tenant law, and the courts of the state of NY.
IT’S JUST THE FUCKING DATE. Seriously, I’m offended that this has to be explained to another lawyer.
Marion in Savannah said,
January 2, 2008 at 22:57
Is there some weird religious significance to that thing on his face, or is he simply such a wanker that he can’t see what he looks like in the mirror? Or does his reflection even show up in a mirror?
Beebles said,
January 2, 2008 at 22:59
My gayboy drama friends in college referred to those odd chin patches as “ball ticklers.”
actor212 said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:01
Poor guy. Someone sholuld tell him if he’s going to walk around with a vagina on his face, he should make sure his facts are straight.
LFC said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:03
That isn’t a “half-face-mullet”. It’s pubic hair. You find it at the base of almost any d***head.
actor212 said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:04
done in Convention by the Unanimous Consent of the States present the Seventeenth Day of September in the Year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and Eighty seven …. In witness whereof We have hereunto subscribed our Names, …
We might also point out that We have capitalized the pronoun indicative of We the people, putting We at the same level, legally, as the Lord.
Thus re-establishing the Constitution as the Supreme Law of the Land.
Either that, or the Supreme Court is now a tribunal for God.
Oh…wait…
Nim, ham hock of liberty said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:04
“(The facial hair is real. No image manipu-
lation program was used or harmed in the
posting of this picture.)”
My first reaction to Mr. Heustis’ facial hair was, literally, “Those guys can photoshop better than that. They’re getting lazier.”
That can’t be real.
Phil Moskowitz, Lovable Rogue said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:06
“Is there some weird religious significance to that thing on his face, or is he simply such a wanker that he can’t see what he looks like in the mirror?”
I think it is some form of religious miracle that only wingnuts experience. I’ll call it Hairmata.
Paddy Mac said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:06
It’s always a conundrum — does the wingnut really believe whatever stupid b.s. he shovels to his audience, or is he just a cynical liar. (And which possibility would be worse?) Luckily, any ’straight’ male who prances around looking that silly has answered the question: he really is that foolish. (And wearing such a getup is the worst possibility.)
tigrismus said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:06
I’d like to point out that it says “our” Lord, and as this took place after the notorious events in Salem, it is not entirely clear who this “Lord” of the entire population of Americans was. Has he ever considered the possibility that maybe it was… SATAN?!!
Smiling Mortician said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:07
I can believe the facial hair is real. What I can’t believe is that Reed Heustis Jr. is real. Seriously, Clif. You’ve gotta stop inventing these guys. I have enough trouble sleeping through the night as it is.
mikey said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:07
Pretty sure he wears that Chin Merkin in order to distract attention from his fourth-grader haircut…
mikey
MileHi Hawkeye said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:07
Shouldn’t one have a soul before deciding to grow a soul patch?
whack said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:07
OK, I admit that I didn’t read this post because I was too mesmerized by the photo. I think the previous commenters have it right when they associate the facial hair with some weird sexual message. I know that my little dog was turned on by it.
Nim, ham hock of liberty said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:10
Also, if you want to incorporate Jebus law by reference, you might try doing it by writing, “Subject to God’s law as set forth in the Bible….” before the articles and the amendments. Or by making Article I say, “America is a Christian nation, there is no higher law in this republic than that set forth in the Bible.”
Or something along those lines. You know…actually SAYING that the Bible trumps the Constitution. The way they did it, according to face-merkin, seems pretty stupid. It’s almost as if they didn’t mean OR say that the Bible is incorporated by reference….
mythago said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:10
How did you guys overlook his website?
Legalize said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:11
Oh, and put me down in the camp that can’t believe that this fellow’s half-face-mullet is real. That thing is worse than whatever the hell Kevin Youkilis has living on his face. I believe Kevin is also Jewish, by the way.
Tom Hilton said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:12
That isn’t a “half-face-mullet”. It’s pubic hair. You find it at the base of almost any d***head.
Yup. Remember Bork?
Incontinentia Buttocks said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:13
Ohmigod! It’s Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg, the early years!
Nim, ham hock of liberty said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:14
“How did you guys overlook his website?”
I see he attended the the oldest law school in San Diego. This is not a man to be taken lightly.
t4toby said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:15
Oh, no he d’ent!
Anne Alternatereality said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:16
Why is he wearing a merkin on his face?
Righteous Bubba said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:17
I’m looking forward to the meekness consideration in inheritance laws.
Legalize said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:19
Accredited in 1962. That’s hot. I think it’s creepy that in his professional profile he divulges that “we” lost a child through miscarriage.
dan b said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:20
Why is he wearing a merkin on his face?
I mean, why aren’t more people? I recall having an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time.
Vic said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:20
This is the biggest news to hit the world of ultra-literal interpretations of American Law since Alaska and Hawaii were found to not legally be part of the “United States”.
SamFromUtah said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:22
Ohmigod! It’s Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg…
Bwaaahahahaha! Zorg is one of my favorite villains. Nearly every time I hear the word “life” I think of his condescending little speech to the priest starting with “Life - which you so nobly serve - comes from destruction, disorder, and chaos!”
Dr.BDH said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:23
I believe these chin whiskers are his homage to Uncle Sam. That’s even more patriotic than a flag lapel pin!
El Cid said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:23
So is this the New Testament Constitution, or Old Testament Constitution?
PhysioProf said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:23
“the deputies of the Constitutional Convention”
Who the fuck are they?
Righteous Bubba said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:24
Also: the founders wanted to form a union. A UNION I SAY!
LFC said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:26
First, this bag of legal fecal matter is posted a site by Alan Keyes.
Go to the actual article. (It gets even worse than the piece quoted here.) There are 3 links on the right for books about Terri Schiavo. The home page has a link that says “Click to hear Terri laughing”, despite the fact that the autopsy clearly proved she was brain dead.
After reading the kind of tripe this site pours out, I now make the connection. If they can pull the plug on brain dead Terri, any of these asshats might be next!
PhysioProf said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:26
Ah, shit. Never mind.
Well, at least I don’t have a “ball tickler” on my face.
t4toby said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:27
I think Deputy Dog was one, as well as Deputy Farva.
That’s what my pot addled, LSD downing prof taught me.
Anton Chigurh said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:27
My unique brand of chin merkin differs in many ways from a classic merkin. I don’t deny this. Indeed, it is central to my point.
gypsy howell said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:29
In addition, I graduated in 2001 from the National Litigation Academy, which is provided by the Alliance Defense Fund (ADF). The ADF is a servant organization that provides resources that empower the spread of the Gospel of Jesus Christ through legal defense and advocacy of religious freedom, the sanctity of human life, and traditional family values.
From his website. If the face merkin didn’t scare you, that idea that there’s this ‘academy’ is churning out more Reed Heustises oughta do it.
t4toby said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:29
THEY GOT ANTON, TOO!
t4toby said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:31
Oh, dammit. I just googled ‘merkin’.
Just, damn.
Sinister eyebrow said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:31
Worst. Legal. Argument. Ever.
I feel sorry for his clients.
Smiling Mortician said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:31
And those eyes. I’m trying to figure out who they remind me of . . .
SamFromUtah said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:32
While Reed is right that the mention of a Jesus-based date means that the country is Christian, he neglects to add that the fact that the Constitution was written in English means that the governing religion was intended to be the Church of England. I think that must mean that the King of England was in charge of the U.S. spiritually, if not also legally.
Nothing motivated the founding fathers more than their loyalty to George III. QED.
t4toby said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:32
From wikipedia:
Un-effin-believable.
t4toby said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:33
Malkin = Merkin. Who knew?
gypsy howell said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:33
Wait - Michelle Malkin is an obsolete merkin?
TR said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:34
I heard the National Litigation Academy totally demolished those dorks at Starfleet Academy in a tournament of Bible Verse Bombardment.
Trilateral Chairman said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:34
So I see that the new Republican trick is to grow the Hitler mustache BELOW the mouth.
Sneaky bastards.
LFC said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:35
OMG! Check out the pic of this supposed columnist over at the same web site. Man, if that ain’t the definition of “will never get laid”…
Dave Latchaw said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:35
I think the face pubes are supposed to keep you from noticing THE CRAZY EYES.
Otto Man said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:36
From Reed’s photo, I can tell that he originally wanted to become a dentist, but the Island of Misfit Christians really needed legal representation.
Merkin Muffley said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:36
Hello, Dimitri?
Some Guy said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:38
But wait!
The First Amendment expressly forbids the establishment of official religious institutions in the USA.
Thus, under Chinpube McPornstar’s logic, the Constitution is unconstitutional!
Alternately, this makes Christianity unconstitutional, (as they believe that US Constitution can be superseded by a higher power, in direct confrontation with said Constitution) and thus all churches must be destroyed, and practicing Christians must, therefor, be deported. To Mexico. Suckers.
t4toby said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:39
Oh, LFC, we’ve discussed Rudy Takala before.
gypsy howell said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:40
OMG! Check out the pic of this supposed columnist over at the same web site. Man, if that ain’t the definition of “will never get laid”…
And from Reed’s bio…
Von Zeppelin said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:40
Hey, Jesus von Merkinface has a valid point if you consider the little known “Federalist 86,” in which Hamilton argued, “Lest we be in some wise Thought to be lacking Piety, by omitting Mention of the True Author of our constitutional Liberties, we may Remedy this Supposed Oversight by referring Obliquely to the Creator at such point as we State the Year (to wit: of Our Lord) in which this Great Charter is to be Approved by our Convention. That should make it most Clear and Patent to All Men that we Endeavour to found a thoroughly Christian Republick. Also, let’s keep slavery in.”
gypsy howell said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:40
Damn, I meant RUDY.
Tim (the other one) said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:40
Jan. 2nd was gonna be my big “take charge and get my shit together day” !
But between this place and Balloon Juice, aaww fuck it…..
Iwonder said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:41
UPDATE: For those who wish to explore the unique wisdom and jurisprudence of Mr. Heustis, or who wish to verify that his half-face-mullet is real, you can visit his website The Christian Constitutionalist. I am particularly enamored of his column posted there on why teh gays are going to hell unless they burn the rainbow flag.
I started reading his column, but I got all tingly when he started describing the “debauchery” so now I will go pray and flog myself, and then keep reading it until my soul is cleansed of the lust it brings.
t4toby said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:41
Re: Takala
Why do all Wingnut Welfare recipients (See Fuckin’ Loadpants for confirmation) have this skill set? And to whom is it useful?
MzNicky said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:42
Let’s see if I’ve got this right: This joker is a “Christian” insurance-company defense attorney who specializes in worker’s comp. cases. In other words, Mr. Heustis, Jr., devotes his life to making sure employers don’t have to pay anything when their workers get hurt on the job. Yeah, that sounds about like what Jesus would do, fer sure!
And there’s no excuse on earth for that facial hair.
Carnacki said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:44
From his rainbow flag column:
Why should the rainbow flag be any different?
People burn Old Glory all the time. They exercise their freedom of speech by igniting the Stars and Stripes aflame and swirling the embers to and fro. You see it everywhere. You see it often.
I wonder what kind of crowd a rightwing Christianist hangs out with. I’ve been to dozens of rallies for liberal causes, countless anti-war protests, and even the Berkeley County, West Virginia Democratic Club. Not once did I see those liberal anti-American, godless heathens burn an American flag. Where does he live that he sees flag burnings every where?
Tim (the other one) said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:44
Oh and before I forget; it’s obvious (at least to me) that Reed’s facial hair is indeed central to his point(s).
Anton Chigurh said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:44
“Rudy hopes for a career in which he is able to continue antagonizing proponents of the State”
What does that mean? I don’t even know what that means.
Candy said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:47
OK, I started to say several different things, but I . . . holy shit . . . koff . . . I just don’t know where to begin.
If you walked into a law office and this guy emerged from his inner sanctum to greet you, would you stay? Would you politely excuse yourself? Run screaming? Decide that, hell, you’d just go out and take the bar exam yourself and do your own legal work, because if this dood passed, how hard could it be?
Tim (the other one) said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:48
Sorry for the plagiary Anton. You were there first.
El Cid said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:49
Except that you are forgetting like most liberals that Jesus is magic and can do anything that He wants. So the United States Constitution cannot make King Jesus unconstitutional because he can be or and anything he wants, this is central to my point.
Rob J said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:49
Wow. It takes someone truly special to make the Doughy PantLoad jealous of the sheer inanity and absurdity of his writing. Just when you think stupid couldn’t get any stupider, there it goes, raising the stakes. Does Jonah have a comeback?
MzNicky said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:50
Anton:
“a career in which he is able to continue antagonizing proponents of the State”
translation: Get paid to be a conservative jerkwad asshole.
random idiot said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:50
Best logical fallacy I have seen all day! The whole “in the year of our lord” is still often seen. It used to be used interchangeably with “Anno Domini” which of course got shortened to “A.D.”, which most people are familiar with.
So there you have it. Anybody who uses the Julian or Gregorian calender is confessing to the supreme authority of a long dead bastard son of a carpenter, thus invalidating ANYTHING they say, if it is contradicted by any words in a funny book containing the odd few words ascribed to that dead carpenter.
tigrismus said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:51
Currently, he spends his free time laboring over a book concerning the American government’s school system.
…
Why do all Wingnut Welfare recipients (See Fuckin’ Loadpants for confirmation) have this skill set? And to whom is it useful?
Oh, so you took “laboring over a book” to mean writing? I envisioned him toiling over someone else’s work, spending 10 minutes per page with lips in constant motion.
jim hurt said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:57
I think the chin rug is to cover up the swastika his father carved into his face with a razor as part of his ‘homeschooling’ as a child.
also
“Inevitably students will retort,” - They will refile briefs?
gbear said,
January 2, 2008 at 23:58
His hair and the cat markings in the previous post have way too much in common. To me it looks like a cross between a hitler moustache and a face mullet, combining the worst possible aspects of each.
The other thing that’s making me sick about his photo is that he looks like he could be the younger brother on MN’s teflon governor (as in having a bridge fall into the Mississippi on your watch and not being called for it even though 13 people died and MNDot is run by your lieutenant governor), republican Tim Pawlenty.
Nimrod Gently said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:03
I feel better about my Thomas Riker goatee now.
Bistroist said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:03
<de rigeur>
Well, you try running through the mall with pubes on your face and see how you feel!!1
</de rigeur>
Bob said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:04
Clif:
I’m sorry; you and Reed are both wrong. The Supremist Supreme Law of this Supreme Land is Newt Gingrich’s “Contract With America” followed by Bill Buckley’s “God and Man At Yale” followed by Adam Smith’s “The Wealth of Nations” followed by George W. Bush’s “My Pet Goat” followed by the Bible and then, finally, the US Constitution.
Bistroist said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:05
You know what’s better than not being able to fucking spell? Copying and pasting your own damn typos, that’s what. Feel free to throw a couple of extra u’s into my last comment, if the mood takes you.
Duros62 said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:10
I hope he didn’t have any of these over the Christian High Holy days, ‘cuz Jeesus hates him some Rumaki. It’s just as sacrilegious as a Bagel McMuffin with sausage.
Duros62 said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:10
Oops, shit
Rihilism said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:12
I started reading his “column” too, but then just skimmed over it. I hafta ask, what is it with these nuts and projection? I’m queerer than a two dollar bill and I could give a shit if someone burned the rainbow flag. I also don’t care if someone burns the US flag. Sure, depending on the circumstances, it could be antagonistic, but, of course, I’m well aware that the symbol is not more important than what it represents, so I’d quickly get over it.
I can only conclude that it must serve to satisfy some deep-seated (in most cases closeted homosexuality) desire to see someone suffer the way they “suffer” whenever someone torches Old Flaggy (or whenever they catch themselves staring at another guys crotch). But us fags, we’re Godless debauched heathens, for crying out loud! Jesus H. Christ, Mother Mary and Joseph, we have no sense of decency or loyalty! Why wouldn’t he see that a burning rainbow flag would make us horny and cause everyone to start humping and squeezin’, all hot and sweaty like (mmmmm….). These people need to need to get to know their audience better if they expect to save anyone…
Duros62 said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:12
lieutenant governor), republican Tim Pawlenty.
Really, that’s the guy’s name? That’s awesome.
Sir, is there corruption in the state governement?
Dude, there’s Pawlenty!
Gundamhead said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:29
Man, I saw that guys picture, I just knew he was a Jesus freak. Gad, that has to be the most pathetic Christianist argument I have EVER heard. And this guy is a fucking corporate layer?
Harry Cheddar said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:37
I don’t know about the chin beaver, but it sure looks like he’s wearing my mother’s favorite lipstick.
Lesley said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:40
A glance at his picture might give you a chuckle, but look at it for longer than 5 seconds and you begin to wonder if he might be a latent homicidal maniac.
t4toby said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:44
Rhily-
A two dollar bill is not nearly as queer as a three dollar bill.
t4toby said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:44
Might be?
SenderC said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:47
I love that he puts “A.D.” in the dateline for all of his articles — as if we’d be confused and think that his crap was written thousands of years before both the U.S. Constitution and the Internet.
Jim Flannery said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:49
His bio also mentions that he’s a member of the American Heritage Party. Me neither. Here’s their Statement of Imaginations.
Cheap Cynicism said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:52
Inevitably students will retort, “It is logically impossible for the Constitution to be the supreme law of the land if there exists yet another supreme law of the land.”
If this is actually the retort he hears from Con Law students when he tells them that King Jesus Christ reigns supreme over the Constitution, then he must be talking to GWU law students.
Hey-hoooo!
Argonaut said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:53
This is the funniest *and* the most pathetic argument (and what a great backstory!) I have ever read. If you had asked me yesterday which was a real product, Reed Heustis Jr. or the Bass-o-matic, I would have bet the house on the blender.
Truly, there is nothing beyond belief.
Bistroist said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:58
I love that he puts “A.D.” in the dateline for all of his articles — as if we’d be confused and think that his crap was written thousands of years before both the U.S. Constitution and the Internet.
One of my professors (ancient history, esp. Greek politics) was in the habit of doing that when he was younger, on letters, cheques and whatnot, until the chairman of a grant commitee let him know that they were tempted to reject his application on grounds of being a terrible wanker.
Rightwingsnarkle said,
January 3, 2008 at 0:59
So, in the end, Jesus is in charge.
That’s good to know, because the question that’s been nagging me all these years, the question of “Who’s in fucking charge of all of this shit?” has finally and definitively been answered.
Great.
I feel like I’ve taken a large dump, one that’s been sitting in the dark recesses of my bowels for too long. I feel….relief.
And it feels good.
Cigarette?
D. Sidhe said,
January 3, 2008 at 1:05
‘Cause like, it was like customary and shit for documents to be dated with “in the year of our lord” back in the old-timey days. Deeds were dated as such. Contracts for the sale of goods were dated as such.
I’m sure he would not deny that. Indeed, it is central to his point. And by obvious extension, if you use the word “Thursday” in a sentence, you are acknowledging that we are a Thunder-God-worshiping nation by heritage.
Also, Norbizness, LFC, Some Guy, and Nimrod Gently made me laugh so hard I’m still wheezing. Thank you.
SenderC said,
January 3, 2008 at 1:08
In one of the articles on the Christian Constitutionalist site, he actually writes this sentence:
Truth slices through butter like a hot knife.
Oh my. I think my snarktuitary gland has exploded.
Righteous Bubba said,
January 3, 2008 at 1:12
In one of the articles on the Christian Constitutionalist site, he actually writes this sentence:
Truth slices through butter like a hot knife.
Did you think that butter could stand up to truth? My friend, you’d better join me in my house of tofu before truth comes along and knifes that one down.
OTB said,
January 3, 2008 at 1:15
I think he thought the constitution said “in the BEARD of our lord”
jimmiraybob said,
January 3, 2008 at 1:23
Unfortunately these same students are never taught that there exists one sovereign power…
yes! Now we’re talkin’
…that reigns supreme, even over the Constitution:..
Wooohooo, we The People rule! Go “The People,” go!
…King Jesus Christ.
Ruh roh.
Arky - Fascitanata said,
January 3, 2008 at 1:50
My Con Law prof was a Christian of some sort and she would set his chin pubes on fire.
jimmiraybob said,
January 3, 2008 at 1:52
Christians must become responsible stewards of their civil government, and elect and prefer Christians as their rulers…
I rechecked the US Constitution and could not find the part where we the people are to submit to being ruled. It would seem that every document created and every note recorded in connection with the constitution is similarly missing a mention of electing a ruler. In fact, all them revolutionaries and founding fathers seem a might bit testy about NOT submitting to excess authority, whether it be god or man.
This looks a teensy bit like projection; that these Christianists dream of an anti-American system of subjection to the will of a strong ruler or authoritarian - an absolute reversal of US law and tradition. To the deep dark cold bottom of the seas with em (I was going to say fuck em but I don’t want to offend). I’m ready to go a few more rounds of American Revolution if they insist.
MzNicky said,
January 3, 2008 at 2:09
Smiling Mortician: Yep. And there’s also an uncanny resemblance to this guy.
stiv said,
January 3, 2008 at 2:25
“No Jesus, no peace. Know Jesus, know peace.”
Reed Heustis, Jr.
Element 5 said,
January 3, 2008 at 2:28
done in Convention by the Unanimous Consent of the States present the Seventeenth Day of September in the Year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and Eighty seven …. In witness whereof We have hereunto subscribed our Names, …
Holy shit! The beard-dude is right! Well, I can’t argue with his proof, so I’ll just have to get with my Rabbi so he can fill me in on how un-enlist from my Jewdom, now that I’m suddenly a Christian soldier and all that…(this is really gonna fuck up my holiday schedule).
Wait a second…….maybe they were talking about the DARK lord? ‘Cause that would make a hellovalotta sense, given Cheny and such.
Smiling Mortician said,
January 3, 2008 at 2:31
You nailed it, MzNicky. Perhaps his anti-gay stance springs from the tortured knowledge that he’s the Bundy/Manson love child?
Also, this just in: his hair is growing. In both places. Swear to god it wasn’t that long half an hour ago.
El Cid said,
January 3, 2008 at 2:33
O noez! Congris mad you a voting day but Nors god eated it. Then pagan Moon guy woman did thing too.
and also this is central to my point
Why also did Congris have to worship big moon face?
Arky - Fascitanata said,
January 3, 2008 at 2:38
And furthermore… I don’t want to hear anything about the evils of teh gehy from some twat who wears more pancake than a drag queen. I also refuse to believe his lips are naturally Barbie pink.
t4toby said,
January 3, 2008 at 2:49
I hear having a wide stance and Barbie pink lips go hand in hand.
But seriously, would any gay man be caught dead with that fucking rat attached to his chin? Sadly, No!
Maybe in the Castro district, circa 1973, but come on!
MzNicky said,
January 3, 2008 at 2:57
“No Jesus, no peace. Know Jesus, know peace.”—Reed Heustis, Jr.
You see these words of wisdom pasted onto the back of just about every other rattletrap truck down here in my neck o’ the woods. Usually it’s positioned above the rebel flag decal and below the “Abortion Stops a Beating Heart” sticker.
I should have known whoever came up with it would look like this guy.
Bitter Scribe said,
January 3, 2008 at 3:04
Do you think that workers’ comp attorneys say a prayer of thanksgiving when they see this guy on the other side of the aisle?
t4toby said,
January 3, 2008 at 3:05
He didn’t come up with that, his furry alien symbiote did.
Tom Hilton said,
January 3, 2008 at 3:11
…done in Convention by the Unanimous Consent of the States present the Seventeenth Day of September in the Year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and Eighty seven…
That doesn’t mean the Constitution belongs to Jesus; it means the year 1787 belongs to Jesus. I think he won it in a card game.
Anne Laurie said,
January 3, 2008 at 3:13
That is indeed a Chin Merkin, usually worn by those who have no hair in their pubic region. And you just know the little wanker is forever stroking and smoothing and fondling it in public, which means that half the people he thinks he’s arguing with are too distracted by nausea to focus on the piffle dribbling from his mouth. Mr. Heustis, when your opponents (i.e., the unfortunates you corner at faculty gatherings) abruptly excuse themselves, citing a sudden need for privacy, it is not because your Christianist whitterings overpower their arguments, it is because your bad grooming choices overpower their gag reflexes. Also, the clark-kent-curl-bang doesn’t actually disguise your hair loss problem, and getting your pube-licity photo hand-tinted by the guy who did your highschool yearbook photos was a very poor idea.
Snorghagen said,
January 3, 2008 at 3:17
…in the Year of our Lord…
As others have mentioned, it doesn’t specify who this ‘Lord’ is, and there’re a lot of gods floating around out there. Clearly, the most senior deity would have the strongest claim. Since Jehovah is a relative newcomer among supreme beings, Reed is actually arguing that America should place itself under the protection of the High Priests of Thoth.
All the Jesus talk is just a smoke-screen and the pharaoh-like chin whiskers are a giveaway. Reed’s real goal is to reestablish the Egyptian Old Kingdom.
x_eleven said,
January 3, 2008 at 3:24
I wouldn’t say that. Here’s his Profile:
Since he’s worked for Republican state senators and congressmen, I bet he’s had lots of buttsecks.
tigrismus said,
January 3, 2008 at 3:25
And when we consider the presence of a pyramid on our currency, I think we have to admit that Snorghagen has made a point that has never been made before in such detail or with such care.
r€nato said,
January 3, 2008 at 4:26
how long do you think he has spent growing that chin merkin?
I mean, shit… I think he’s been growing it since puberty. You gotta work at it to grow one that long.
And I’d like to see the pic of the woman he married, who thought that shit was dead sexy.
r€nato said,
January 3, 2008 at 4:42
the guy lives in Orange County. Why am I not surprised.
Arky - Professional Peace Disturber said,
January 3, 2008 at 4:42
You mean Gladly, No!
However, he’s probably such a paranoid wank he thinks the squashed mouse will frighten off the nipple-ringed hordes that lurk in America’s toilets just waiting to leap out and violate him.
The Oracle said,
January 3, 2008 at 4:59
First we had the Turd Blossom, Karl Rove, who’s busy crisscrossing the country checking in with his Republican confederates on how they can disenfrancise even more Democratic Party-leaning voters and steal more elections for the culture of corruption and deceit Republican Party…and now we have the Nerd Blossom, Reed Heustis Jr., who’s busy trying to subvert our democracy, tearing down the wall separating church and state, in hopes of establishing some kind of god-forsaking, jesus-crucifying theocratic state.
Jon H said,
January 3, 2008 at 5:39
Dude needs a chinzillian
Craig said,
January 3, 2008 at 5:42
He’s into a”fantasy sports”.
That sounds very gay to me!
Jon H said,
January 3, 2008 at 7:03
“If you’re like me, you’ve bought all those Speed Seduction tapes, but been frustrated that they don’t work on hot marmot chicks. Am I right?”
“Dude, you are so right. They never work on the marmotz!”
“Well, with my new tape series, Speed Seduction For Marmots And Insectivores” you can work your magic on any sexy little quadrapedal chubber that waddles across your lawn! It all starts with some carefully groomed facial hair, like mine.”
Mich said,
January 3, 2008 at 8:17
“oldest” law school in San Diego - almost like an Ivy League university!
Graduated in 1997….. licensed to practice law in 6/2001….vagina beard must’ve had some trouble passing the Con law section of the bar exam.
Malignant "Chas." Bouffant said,
January 3, 2008 at 9:17
I’ve served on more than one civil jury (I always state that I disagree w/ drug laws & that virtually everyone I know has been arrested for drunk driving — twice I was the passenger, hell — so I never serve in criminal trials) and I can say that those who defend the corporate/business perpetrators are always perceived as heartless, incompetent assholes by the jurors, because thay are. Sometimes they are actually employed by the evil-doing company itself. Yes, not even capable of getting employment w/ an actual law firm.
And no one could possibly respect a literal white-collar wearer who combines that look w/ a brown/tan suit.
owlbear1 said,
January 3, 2008 at 10:22
Actually, not even swept away.
In order for the chinless wonder’s ‘logic’ to work, the Founding Fathers had to mis-apply their own writing. Jefferson, Adams, all of them blatantly ignoring what they themselves had written. 220+ years of Americans INTENTIONALLY denying Christ HIS dues.
Obviously Jesus is a pussy. A real GOD would have done something about it by now…
Major Woody said,
January 3, 2008 at 14:06
I love that King Jesus Christ thing too. It’d be great as a curse. Observe:
“You mean you drank all the rest of the Bacardi while I was in the john? King Jesus Christ!”
Suitable for use with the whole family!
kiki said,
January 3, 2008 at 14:51
“Holy President Jesus Christ, King of America And By Extension The World, that was a good meal!”
Chan said,
January 3, 2008 at 15:08
All right, fine. Let him have his Christian dating customs!
I’m going to start dating things from the Battle of Yavin. Star Wars was released in 1977, so that’s 0 ABY, so what he calls 2008 is actually … hmm … 31 ABY!! We’re into the New Jedi Order already!
Hurrah!
Bistroist said,
January 3, 2008 at 15:27
Well, obviously, if the foundering farthings didn’t want the U.S. to be ruled by King Jesus Christ, The Big Cheese, they’d have written
LFC said,
January 3, 2008 at 17:47
x_eleven said, Since he’s worked for Republican state senators and congressmen…
Replace “for” with “under”.
DAS said,
January 3, 2008 at 18:42
I’ve had a wingnut argue that the whole idea of using “C.E.” and “B.C.E.” is stupid ’cause the use of “A.D.” and “B.C.” is just accepted and really doesn’t mean anything (yes the person in question knows what the abbreviations stand for and the translation of AD)
And then turn around and argue that the use of “In the year of our Lord” in the Constitution meant something.
When it came right down to it, he ended up arguing for public religiosity (which I would argue, by the fact that, e.g., people really end up saying AD without meaning it, so to speak, is actually anti-religious — why do wingnuts hate religion?) and that we who are not Judeo-Christian (e.g., being Jewish I apparently am not Judeo-Christian ;) ) should just acknowledge the Christianity of the majority without any similar acknowledgement that not everybody accepts the majority religion.
Wow! Talk about an attitude wholy at variance with our secular Constitution!
Doodle Bean said,
January 3, 2008 at 18:44
Stop mocking his facial hair. He might have thought about how attractive Brazilians are and asked his stylist for one!
It’s a mistake any of us could make… well… er…. no, but let’s be charitable.
gbear said,
January 3, 2008 at 19:00
Really, that’s the guy’s name? That’s awesome.
Sir, is there corruption in the state governement?
Dude, there’s Pawlenty!
The fairly common MN bumper sticker that describes his policies is “Trouble in the Land of Pawlenty”. In the typical MN tradition, it’s understated and far too polite.
(Lex) Skink Tyree (Azagthoth) said,
January 3, 2008 at 19:16
No. Fucking. Way.
I’ve read some really out-there shit in the last 24-hours, too, but this is just that far beyond the pale. How was this freak found?!?
Ahh, I see, at “Renew America”. Now there’s something I’ll need to check out….if I can stand the shock….covering the wingnuts is already taxing my ability to gauge major shocks to reality. Could I handle it?
No, there’s just no way, not that facial hair…tell me this is a put-on, somebody please…
(Lex) Skink Tyree (Azagthoth) said,
January 3, 2008 at 19:23
Here’s one reason why I’m overtaxed lately. It’s my fault for finding all of this so fucking hilarious, I know, but still. This guy (though lacking the odd face mullet) is really fun to write to. He tries really hard to convert you too. He kept up right up to the letter in which I said I was a gay rights activist, and then gave up, wrote a few insulting mails about sports (?!?!?) and that was it.
I still need to post our email exchanges, which for some reason he gave me permission to do, the weirdo. Seriously, emailing this guy is the modern equivalent of the treasured prank phone call.
Albatross said,
January 3, 2008 at 20:18
The half-face-mullet keeps the balls from slapping painfully into his pointy, pointy chin.
PeeJ said,
January 3, 2008 at 20:20
Reading that other column, I have to take exception to one or two stoopi(tm) mistakes.
It wrote, “[...]hundreds of thousands of people packed the sidewalks to see the annual parade of debauchery.” BZPZPTHZZ{TH! A small handful packed the sidewalks to “see the…” Most of us packed the sidewalks to BE the debauchery. Silly boy. I’m sure his rather coy, pink-shirted colleague could have expalined the difference.
Another quibble:
“Contrary to the peddlers of Gay Pride, the rainbow flag is anything but a freedom flag. It is a bondage flag[....]”
This is the bondage flag:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Leather%2C_Latex%2C_and_BDSM_pride.svg
Which, again, I’m sure Ms. Rudy Bukaki would have pointed out.
LuLu said,
January 3, 2008 at 20:22
I’m sorry … perhaps it’s just the New Year’s hangover that just. Won’t. Die! But could someone please explain why any man would think a Brazilian wax job on his chin would be teh sexxxy?
I’m just sayin’.
t4toby said,
January 3, 2008 at 21:12
I thought a Brazilian was a total deforestation.
actor212 said,
January 3, 2008 at 21:21
t4,
We call them “landing strips”.
Americans for Half-Face-Mullet Acceptance said,
January 3, 2008 at 21:27
Have any of you ever tried walking around a mall with a half-face-mullet to see how others react? Well? Have you??
RobW said,
January 3, 2008 at 21:35
The fur on his face is called a chinchilla and was recommended by his chinodontist.
mikeg said,
January 3, 2008 at 22:04
Jesus to Founders: “Hey, you left me out of this document entirely!”
Founders to Jesus: “Not to worry - we’ve incorporated you by reference.”
Seems like a slap in the face to the King of Kings. Seems to merit better treatment than an obscure rule of document construction.
t4toby said,
January 3, 2008 at 22:19
Well, actor, I’m not sure of your credentials, but I’ll take your word for it.
gbear said,
January 3, 2008 at 22:26
When they said “…in the year of our lord 1787…”, perhaps they were referring to diety upgrades. Maybe lord 1562 was a bad design that crashed before any prayers could be processed, or lord 932’s memory was so small that he couldn’t save anything complex. We won’t even mention lord 666.
spencer said,
January 3, 2008 at 22:33
His bio also mentions that he’s a member of the American Heritage Party. Me neither. Here’s their Statement of Imaginations.
Here’s my favorite bit from their little fantasy:
Imagine a political party that is unafraid to attack socialism at its secular, unbelieving, religious roots! (Emphasis mine.)
So socialism has secular and religious roots? Interesting . . .
gbear said,
January 3, 2008 at 22:38
If one more person implies anything about how that facial ferret is supposed to be sexually attractive to gay men, I’m going to come back and start telling the full true story in all it’s glorious detail of a full holiday weekend of computer shopping and system failures and customer relations managers and tech support that will have you reaching for the razor blades. Cliff Notes version: avoid Vista like the plague.
Jon H said,
January 4, 2008 at 3:11
The vertical hold blew out on his Hitler ’stache.
ImJohnGalt said,
January 4, 2008 at 4:59
What is it with Reed and that look?
http://mlb.mlb.com/team/player.jsp?player_id=407862
This cannot be coincidence.
Anyone know any other Reeds such that a conspiracy may be proven?
--Blue Girl said,
January 4, 2008 at 5:28
Funniest. Fucking. Comment Thread. EVAH!
(And amazingly troll-free! How do you do it???
Smut Clyde said,
January 4, 2008 at 7:16
I know that my little dog was turned on by it.
This is the first time I’ve encountered this particular euphemism.
flatfoot said,
January 4, 2008 at 7:23
That’s not a landing strip, it’s a park and ride.
flatfoot said,
January 4, 2008 at 7:49
Reed ‘The Machine’ hits on other bible dudes on myspace-
Jan 2 2008 5:19 PM
Happy New Year of our Lord!
Paul, there is an outside chance (perhaps less than 20%?) that I may come to Florida this Spring to visit Vero Beach for my Dodgers’ final spring training there.
I’ve never been to Florida, so it would be nice to know “somebody” there, if I went.
I’ll keep you posted!
paul
cokane said,
January 4, 2008 at 8:01
what a heuge douchebage, even his wabside is horrible.
flatfoot said,
January 4, 2008 at 9:13
Every time I see a picture of “Jesus,” I cringe.
I once worked with a black woman who had a picture of her own version of “Jesus” on her cubicle - a “black Jesus.” In her Christian community, it is believed that Jesus was black.
To which, I reply, Who cares what color He was? It matters not one iota whether he was a blonde haired, blue eyed caucasian or a dark-skinned negroid, or something in between.
…
__________________
Reed R. Heustis, Jr., Esq.
American Street » Blog Archive » Top Ten Burning Questions At The Funny Farm said,
January 4, 2008 at 12:31
[...] **** - Sadly, No! [...]
Carl said,
January 11, 2008 at 5:31
Oh and as long as I’m here way past the expiration date, in case you want to see what’s in between the ellipses “and of the Independence of the United States of America the Twelfth.” That’s right, the delegates think the Declaration of Independence was important enough to be put in the same sentence with the Virgin Birth. But you know, Christianity above all else.