Some Closets Should Never Be Opened

Seb’s cryptic last words to me before leaving for his vacation had been: “No matter what happens, you must not look in my closet. Do you understand?” I’d nodded absently and then promptly forgotten all about his warning.

When I got to his house the next day, though, I found a hastily scrawled note from somebody named “Amber P” claiming she was locked in a closet. Being the valiant sort, I thought maybe I should have a look. But then S.Z. told me Amber was a fictional character Seb had made up to convince people he’s a heterosexual. I doubted his little scam would convince anybody but it did seem like the kind of stunt he’d pull and I again forgot all about her.

And then this happened.

When I woke up this morning, I heard some strange scraping sounds from the general direction of the closet and, curiosity getting the best of me, decided to have a look (May God have mercy on my soul).

Imagine my surprise when I opened the closet to find a not-unattractive girl locked in a cage. Not only that but she was wearing one of those Hannibal Lechter masks. Her eyes started to bug out as soon as she saw me and she began to make a series of unintelligible and muffled noises.

‘Just what kind of monster is Seb?’ I thought. ‘How could he do a thing like this?!’ I immediately reached over to remove her mask and, after wiping the foam from my hands, was treated to this:

Leftists at the Democratic Convention this week are saying that they were united with the country on September 12, 2001. (And then the big bad Republicans waged war and divided everybody). I was in a hot spot of leftism on September 11, 2001, on campus, and I can say: like hell they were.

Uh…You’re welcome? But then I guessed she’d probably had a lot of time to think about this and I decided to humor her.

On September 13, 2001, after Penn State did not call classes off, I walked into an English class, and the first question we were asked was, ?What did we do to deserve this?? What followed was a lecture on how only the irrational would want to retaliate to what happened.

I remembered how right after the attacks psychologists said that canceling work and school might actually be detrimental to people because they’d have no way to channel their energies and focus their thoughts. Even so, Amber made it sound like the people at Penn State were pretty cold bastards and I thought I’d better check her story out. Especially since one of my friends is a PSU grad and a noted Blame-America-Firster.

A quick trip over to the Penn State website, however, led me to this statement issued by the President of the University on September 11th:

Because of the emotional crisis that such events evoke in all of us, we are hoping that faculty, when comfortable doing so, will use their classrooms to help our students search for answers and cope with this tragedy.

For students who are unable to attend class, or who feel that they are not yet psychologically prepared to do so, we are asking faculty to show compassion and flexibility in addressing student concerns about attendance.

Well, you know, if you’re locked in a cage, you’re bound to be a little foggy.

After students started hanging up American flags in patriotic fever around campus and talked about joining the military, the left screeched at us that we were nothing but mindless patriotic dolts with blood lust. (So much for ?unity.?)

I found this a bit difficult to believe. Even in the Castro District here in San Francisco (a more liberal neighborhood I cannot imagine) there were American flags as far as the eye could see. Shop owners wanted to show their pride in America so badly that when they didn’t have actual flags, they filled their windows with glittery red, white, and blue rave t-shirts.

I went to a ?pro peace? rally hosted by leftists (to protest it) before any action was taken by the United States ? before the war in Iraq and Afghanistan.

You go, girl! There’s nothing quite so patriotic as protesting peace!

The only thing the left screamed at us in the days and weeks that followed September 11, 2001 was, ?WHY DO THEY HATE US?? They had nothing but sympathy for terrorists and disdain for America. They were so loud that we gave them a name: Blame America First-ers.

I was beginning to see why Seb kept her in the closet.

Planting seeds of moral guilt and promoting an anti-war agenda came from the left since September 11, 2001. For them to stomp their feet and announce they were united then, and the Republicans are evil for waging war against terrorist regimes in the Middle East is the height of absurdity.

Terrorist regimes?

Apparently what they wanted us to do was nothing, and be the suffering victim forever, gaining the sympathy of the rest of the world (in order to ?stay united?).

Which is why the left overwhelmingly supported action in Afghanistan and the real war against actual terrorists.

What is ?divisive? about taking out someone like Saddam Hussein? Let me explain the war in simple terms, understandable to the left: Saddam Hussein was a bad man, we are at war with an entire culture that wants us destroyed, and taking him out can do nothing but good. There is nothing about this that is too terrible.

I now realized there’d be nothing too terrible about closing that closet door again, too.

You have free speech in this country, even to cripple your own countrymen and soldiers during war time. But when you do it, don?t expect the rest of the country to forget it. Leftists, we remember your treason.

And with that, Amber punched me in the ribs, causing me to lose my balance momentarily. Unfortunately, she used the opportunity to escape from her cage. Once she was out, she began to run madly through the house.

“Loony loony loony!” she squawked as she hopped from chair to chair, wearing nothing but Seb’s Bananarama t-shirt and a crazed grin. I dove for her but narrowly missed and crashed into a potted fern.

“Woop woop woop!” she shrieked, bursting through the front door and out into the Stuttgart night. I gave chase briefly but lost her when she ran into traffic. Seb always told me she was fast…I’d just figured he meant something else.

Anyway, I must now warn you all that Amber Pawlik is on the loose. Should you see her, please notify Interpol or the local Polizei immediately.

 

Comments: 20

 
 
 

Rule #1 of letting people out of cages: Chain them up before you let them out.

*sigh* You know Seb is going to be very upset about this unless you catch her. Better yet, catch Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin and Amber, lock all three of them in one cage. That’ll be a nice homecoming gift for him.

And it will make things so much quieter.

 
 

Okay, why can’t I get that old Twilight Zone episode “The Howling Man” after reading this?

They had nothing but sympathy for terrorists and disdain for America. They were so loud that we gave them a name: Blame America First-ers.

“Blame America First-ers?” Perhaps if you had asked them to quiet down, Amber, you wouldn’t have been so distracted and could come up with a better nickname.

 
 

Penn State? Hotbed of leftism?

I used to live in State College, PA, the imaginatively named support network for the university, and trust me, the only things to the left of the local population are G. Gordon Liddy, Ollie North, Karl Rove, and Bill O’Reilly.

I mean, we’re talking about a place that won’t let high school start up until after the county fair, because of its “educational value.”

 
 

Andrew, don’t forget it’s one of the most live-able places in the country. (As long as you stay in the bars & coffee shops.)

Pete, Does Bloomington, IN have such a title?

 
 

Good lord. What the hell is this lady’s problem? I bet she doesn’t remember that the rest of the world was united with us, too. That the French had a huge memorial thing, even the Iranian soccer team had a moment of silence before their game a couple of days later. STFU, Amber!

Oh and one more thing, how can you, in the space of 3 sentences, both admit that people have free speech, “even to cripple your own countrymen and soldiers during war time,” and call it treason at the same time?

 
 

Brad, I’m going to attempt to prove this mathematically.

What you said = lie.

State College is a terrible place to live. I don’t know why the suicide rate is only 7 per 100,000. When I was there, everybody was committing suicide (four defenestrations in a two year period) or going nuts with a Mauser rifle.

When you live in a place like that, killing people is just about the only thing that you can do to pass the time.

By the way, the coffee shops in State College are terrible, too.

…and then I got banished from the Waffle Shop, I don’t know if it’s the one branch or all of `em.

 
 

Having been a senior (at a *genuinely leftist college, no less!) in 2001, I actually went to a class on the afternoon of 911. I mean, really, it was either that or sit in my room and stare at the wall.

 
 

Hey! Blair & Jo from “The Facts of Life” had a kid together.

 
 

You’d probably have accomplished more staring a wall than Amber has in all of her writing,GeoX.

 
 

Boo hoo. Amber had to go to class two days after Sept. 11? Hell, I had to go to work the day of Sept. 11. The world did not end.

 
 

When I read PSU being referred to as a “hotbed of leftism” my mind did a double take. I was there in ’94-’98, back when we were at least half-decent at football, and I would hardly describe the student and academic communities as hotbeds of leftism, unless you think the people poking fun at the Willard preacher are “radicals.” We had a student club for straight people start up while I was there, for chrissake! If she considers University Park to be rife with hardcore lefties, then I seriously think she needs to see more of the world and get her meter recalibrated, so to speak.

 
 

It was never going to work with Amber, Pete; you were just the wrong type of guy for her. Remember her essay at psu.edu from two years ago, “The Type of Guy I Like”, sadly no longer posted there? Here’s a refresher:

“The type of guy I like looks like he is an overgrown 8 year old.”

“The type of guy I like is an indidvidualist. When he walks down the street, he sees no one. He is only concerned with himself and his business.”

“The type of guy I like always golfs, he drinks coffee, and has a stock portfolio.”

“The type of guy I like is not loud. You will never see him addressing more than 3 or 4 people at a time.”

“The type of guy I like looks straight at you when having sex.”

See, Pete? Just on the last one alone, you’re disqualified.

 
 

Oh dear. Of course I meant to say the second last one.

 
glenstonecottage
 

“After students started hanging up American flags in patriotic fever around campus and talked about joining the military, the left screeched at us that we were nothing but mindless patriotic dolts with blood lust…

Mystery solved!

See, Amber has been talking about joining the military ever since September, 2001. So I guess that Seb, being the gentleman that he is, just HAD to lock her up in that cage for her own protection.

But now that you’ve clumsily allowed her to escape, Pete M., I’ll bet you could find her at the nearest Marine recruiting office if you hurry real quickly… unless, of course, she’s joined one of those better-paying Halliburton-type corporate armies.

All I know is that any woman who talks so frequently about signing up to go to Iraq is bound to get over there somehow, and you can bet your bottom dollar that she’ll win more medals than John F. Kerry and George W. Bush put together.

So watch out, you America-hating terrorist bastards! You can’t run and you can’t hide from AMBER!

 
 

Andrew,

State College was voted by U.S News & WR in the mid-80s as one of the most live-able small towns in America. I repeated it in this forum more or less tongue in cheek after reading your comment.

I have family & friends who’ve lived in State College for over 25 years. Not to mention all of my friends who currently own businesses in SC. I visit often and look forward to the home football games every year so I can see everyone. (Hopefully we can start winning soon.) I would move there in a second if the situation was right for me and my family, and still might retire there.

Thanks for the stats and 37 cent words, but I fail to see how that makes me a liar.

 
 

Brad–

I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree. I lived there for three of the most wretched years of my life. It’s a horrible town, and I wouldn’t mind salting their fields, but I guess if you like silage judging (Or was it manure judging? It was something like that), State College is the place for you.

 
 

Even in the Castro District here in San Francisco (a more liberal neighborhood I cannot imagine) there were American flags as far as the eye could see.

I was on Castro Street less than an hour ago (NOT for the reason you think; I was with my wife and daughter, waiting for a bus) and the only flags I saw were rainbow-colored.

“The type of guy I like looks straight at you when having sex.”

See, Pete? Just on the last one alone, you’re disqualified.

Very revealing, Alison — and here Pete’s always claiming that he never gets any action . . . .

 
 

Way to back up your point.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised.

 
 

An Assful of Reruns

Among the Koufaxes we’re not going to win this year is best series, for which someone nominated An Assful of Secrets, the black-and-white noir serial featuring Richard Widmark as a French-Canadian anti-wingnut detective. It’s a pain to skip around the…

 
 

An Assful of Reruns

Among the Koufaxes we’re not going to win this year is best series, for which someone nominated An Assful of Secrets, the black-and-white noir serial featuring Richard Widmark as a French-Canadian anti-wingnut detective. It’s a pain to skip around the…

 
 

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